SF Cubists (6-5) 80 P-Miss Envy (6-5) 60 Week 11 of any Modano season, for teams in contention, is all about treading water. A win keeps your head above water for another week, while a loss, well, you don�t have to have seen Titanic to know what happens then. The defending champion Cubists were most definitely treading water entering their week 11 matchup with their long-time rival Envy, and with their resounding victory, they shoved the Envy championship dreams underwater while keeping their own faint hopes of Modano survival alive. The win was vital, but perhaps the more important story was who led the Cubists to their title. Injured interplanetary-MVP Tom Brady still continues to rehab with the Cubist geisha, but this week Pampers spokesman Tony Rhomo returned to the Cubist locker room, bringing everyone their very own Pet Rock. Prior to the game he said, �My rock�s name is Bernard. The other night he told me he wished he could watch Beerpong on TV, and I said, hey Bernard, I can just get like eight Maxim chicks over here and we can play strip Beerpong with me and you versus the abundant ladies of Maxim. But Bernard said no, he just wanted a quiet night, so we stayed in and watched a Fraggle Rock DVD again. I then did my sexy yet nameless starlet girlfriend twice and called it a night.� With the mental health of their keeper QB in question, Cubist owner Jason Moore publicly put Rhomo on the trading block and left Joel Osteen�s favorite son- Kurt Warner- in to guide his club�s fortunes. This return to faith worked wonders for the Cubists as Warner contributed an all-pro 15 points. Interestingly enough, the Cubists have only had one non all-pro performance from their multiple QB�s this year and that was a 13 point day from Rhomo in week 3, other than that, the 15 they got from Warner in week 11 tied for their worst effort of the season. The miracles continued for the Cubists as the gameball earning DeAngelo Williams continued to take much �Pride� in his work as he galloped for a high scoring 20 point evening. The pride he takes in his work just shows that he cares. An at peace Jason Moore said, �While we would like to see everyone on the team scoring 5 or more, 3+ is a big step up from all the zeroes last week. Warner and Williams were great, Fitz, was solid as usual, and the rest of the team didn't screw things up too much.� That �rest of the team� probably includes a d-flex which simply has not seen the light in recent weeks. Still, the Cubists have now taken 3 of the last 4 from the Envy and evened the series at 10 a piece. For Perry Missner�s Envy, this prime time showcase against the defending champions was their opportunity to say to the Modano world, We Belong. Instead this loss may be crippling to the Envy title hopes in �08 and it left their Hall-of-Fame QB Donovan McNabb questioning the Modano rule book. After the game McNabb was asked about the loss and he said, �We lost just because they scored more than we did? Where�s that in the rule book? I didn�t know that? Hey, I�m still awesome.� McNabb�s nine points did little to offset the lack of Envy production against the stout Cubists. The 60 Envy points were a season low, but Missner turned off the Aussie football and Sumo wrestling long enough to say, �Just an off week. The biorhythms were off or something. Donovan needs to be challenged and the Bengals just didn't seem like that big of a challenge. He needs teams like the Giants or next week's Ravens to get his mojo working.� A leader that needs to be challenged from outside forces sounds like one who is taking his cue from his own owner who has said in the past, �What's the big deal with sloth. So I just want to be lazy somedays and eat peanut butter right from the jar while not changing out of my PJ's. Who am I hurting?� No one but yourself. Still, not every member of the Envy were stupid or lazy. TJ �Hush�manzadeh earned the gameball for his 16 point return to relevance, which proved that there are forces of nature, like God or Yahoo, which know what is best for the common man. But Hush was the only player who scored in double digits. WR Vern Coles, for the final time, led a disastrous 6 point scoring o-flex and usually reliable K Robbie Gould only added 3 points. With six weeks remaining in the Modano season, both the Cubists and Envy are two games out of first and neither one can really afford to lose another game.
Bull in the City (8-3) 87 County Coroners (5-6) 78 The 4pm Modano game saw Randy Chambers and his City squad for all intents and purposes put the nail in the Coroners coffin for the �08 season. The City win, coupled with a tough Cookie loss, gave City sole possession of first place and control of their own destiny with six weeks left in the season. The Coroner loss, their third in a row, effectively ended what was once a very promising season. MVP-candidate QB Philip Rivers picked a horrible time to have his worst game of the season by far as he failed to score a single point. A pair of all-pro running days by ManBeast Brandon Jacobs and Ryan Grant provided the bulk of the Coroner scoring, but they were not enough by half to overcome for the poor play of Rivers. The Coroner d-flex, led by vociferous DE/LB Joey Porter, added an additional 24 points and Porter, as usual, commented after the game, �Man, I�m pissed. No disrespect to City or nothing, but I flat out don�t respect those guys. They didn�t do nothing or show nothing that we weren�t expecting. They had no business winning this game, and again, I say this with all due respect, but they aren�t as good as we are, and I don�t care what the scoreboard says or what their record is.� Coroner owner Chad Nuss has retreated to his palatial mansion and barred the gates from the media, but he has been aware for some time that his team could not keep up their good fortune. They have now lost three straight games for the second time this season, and while it is doubtful that Rivers will post another goose-egg this season, even with a quality stretch run, the Coroners are probably just too far behind City to be able to make up the ground. That�s because City has won two in a row now to run their league best win total to 8. Once again, QB Drew Brees was integral to the City success with a solid 13 point game, but Randy Chambers handed out three game balls this week, one for each of his running backs who scored a touchdown. Michael Turner led the way an al-pro 17 points and he was nearly matched by Frank Gore who posted a 16. Finally, Chambers was pleased to welcome back Deuce McAlister who rewarded his owner with 7 points. Said the Bocce-loving Chambers, �I don't think I've ever seen anything so lovely as three (running backs scoring TD�s).� He then continued, �A nice surprise to take sole possession of first on a day when ManBeast and Ryan Grant were strong. Fortunately, our defense confused ol� man Rivers. For a second, I thought I was still playing Will when I saw a zero next to the opposing QB's score.� Me-ow. But fighting words are what gets this City team all riled up and ready to play each and every week. Chambers values the ability to get angry at a moments notice, but he also knows how to keep the fires burning on a long-standing grudge as well. In fact, while defending his need to exact revenge on his enemies, the grinning Chambers said, �Without the wrath of the American electorate reigning down on son-of-a-bush, we'd probably be swearing in yet another slovenly, envy-ridden, greedy, prideful, lusty, gluttoness Republican president in two months.� The rest of Modano ought not to expect Chambers and his City squad to take any of the next six games lightly, though it will be interesting to see if the start of his beloved Duke basketball program�s season will affect his intensity in any way. One slip up and this Modano race will be wide open once again.
Big Bad Bretts (5-6) 111 Weaselicious Cookies (7-4) 102 The Modano game of the week was this 1pm high-scoring tilt that ended predictably with Steve Johnson�s Bretts edging a very disappointed Cookies team. The Bretts dominate this series and own a 14-4 series edge, so while the Cookies put up a quality fight, there really was no surprise that Johnson got his team up for this game. The Bretts need no extra motivation when they face off against the Cookies. The surprise for Johnson though was in who led his team to victory. RB Joseph Addai has had an injury-riddled 2008 campaign, and even when he has played, he has been largely ineffective, but on this day, he ran like it was 2006 again with a fierce 22 points. He was one of seven Brett players to score in double digits and earned the gameball from Johnson who said, �Way to come back with a surge!� WR Dwayne Bowe added an all-pro 16 points and fellow wide out Greg Jennings piled on 10 of his own points, giving the Brett o-flex a very manly 48 point total. Even LaDanian Tomlinson, who has been showing some wear this season, scored a healthy 12 points while QB Jake Delhomme reached 10 of his own points, a welcome relief for Johnson who has been struggling with the QB position of late. Gimpy WR Marques Colston was singled out by Johnson for his two point day, but an angry Colston shot back, �But (tight end) Owen Daniels didn�t even score any points and I at least got two even though I only have one functioning hamstring. Cut me some slack boss.� Johnson wasn�t having any of it though and snapped, �You were my first pick man. I know you were injured, but step up.� Colston then replied, �Boss, I�ll step up when I got two good hamstrings, but even with only one I still did better than that slothful Owen Daniels who couldn�t even be bothered to get up off the bench and put his dang helmet on.� Johnson didn�t have a reply for that, so he retreated to his office to watch some 4-square, the unheralded game of champions. For Dan Weitz, it looks like his team is going to be satisfied with a nice first half. Much like the reticent Weitz, the team seems frustrated that their leader can�t settle on a guy to take the snaps. In Week 11, it was Tyler Thigpen � who may or may not be a girl. Thigpen played well and scored 21 points and led the team to its second 100-point scoring game of the year. Thigpen�s all pro performance was bolstered by three more all-pros in the losing effort. Maurice Jones Drew has been on a roll lately and blasted through the Brent defense bowling ball style for 17 points. Marion Barber followed MJD�s lead with 16 more and crackwhore Neil Rackers sniffed up another 15. Thigpen did not do well with authority and Kevin Boss was held scoreless Superintendent Chambers notched just a bullet. When asked for comment, Weitz said nonsensically that his wizard in World of Warcraft had just leveled up and he couldn�t be bothered to comment on anything other than his rich fantasy life. Doesn�t Modano count? Week 11�s don�t seem to agree with the Cookies because it was one year ago that the Cookies last lost when scoring 100 points. The Cookies did manage to score enough points so that they aren�t the lowest scoring team in the league (that would be the Herrings), so if they get any luck at all down the stretch, they could be a factor in the championship race. Who�d a thunk it?
Wookies (4-7) 112 Syracuse 44�s (4-7) 52 There�s a song that comes to mind when it comes to two teams struggling to finish out a lost season. It goes a little something like this: �When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on, Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.� Were the collective media half the singer Michael Stipe is, we�d get down on our knees and sing to the owners of the 44�s and Wookies just to hang on because everybody hurts sometimes. The 2008 season has not been particularly pleasant for either owner, but one � Will Mitchell � now has a week that he can look back upon and smile. The other � John Stoer � will need to continue to grimace at moves like putting Darrelle Revis in the lineup. �What the heck was I thinking?� uttered Stoer, but no one could answer this question which we hoped was rhetorical. Following Revis� lead, the 44�s took a collective dump on the city in upper New York that could be smelled throughout New England. Only gameball earning Jay Cutler scored in double-digits and highly touted runners Adrian Peterson, Ronnie Brown, Tim Hightower combined for a whopping ten points. It was almost as bad as a certain Syracuse grad not knowing that NFL games could end up in a tie. Stoer tried to calm his nerves by playing �Mini-golf, putt-putt, whatever you want to call it,� but even the struggle to find a name for the game with the windmill put him on edge. The one thing that seemed to sooth the waters of all in the area was whatever was wafting from the Wookie camp. Now that Proposition II has past in Massachusetts, the Wookies were all flouting their ability to smok�em if you got�em and the game was played with a certain mellowness. Somehow, Mitchell was able to focus this kindly aura into a spirit of battle and when the team got the munchies, he called for a competitive eating contest. That�s smart. The dominant force of the game turned out to be Matt Cassell. The former Brady caddy once looked like he�d never be more than a game manager, but he exploded all over the field for 40 points. For the big performance, Mitchell gave Cassell three game balls, so there will be no Wookie gameballs for the next two weeks. He was backed by Mr. Cool, Marshawn Lynch with 16 and James Harrison on the defensive side with 18. Mitchell was not as happy with former MJ-abstainer Antonio Gates who had zero points. Mitchell said, �he just doesn�t get it. It your going to be on the Wookies you have to let out those throaty bellows and light up. It�s practically the only thing we�re known for.� That any the somewhat erroneous belief that lust is not a sin. What would Jimmy Swaggert say? Well, there was one voice who agreed with Mitchell and that was Stoer who said, �if it feels that good, it�s can�t be wrong.� Of course, that�s what some people say about heroin. Maybe that�s just the thing Stoer needs to take his mind off the lost season. He said, �Wow. We suck. We got the wind taken out of our sails last week and Will just pounced on a demoralized team. Kudos. Though to be fair, Sidwell could have beaten the 44's this week.� The victorious Mitchell clambered, �We�re an unpredictable squad this season that�s for sure. I liked the fight. No rolling over. God-damn jets.� You can say that again, Will.
The Ballbusters (7-4) 77 Red Herrings (3-8) 60 The media would like to offer its apologies to Charlie Mitchell for this loss. It�s not everyday that a Modano owner would try curry favor by playing a Bear quarterback. When that quarterback can�t move because of a recently sustained high ankle sprain and can�t plant his foot to put any oomph on the ball, yet the owner still does with that guy. Well, what can we say? Mitchell deserved better than the two points he got from Kyle Orton and probably deserved better than the 58 points the rest of his lousy team gave him. Let�s face it � Mitchell deserves to have a lot of better things in life, but if there is one less that can be taken from a Modano whupping, it�s that you know you are losing to the absolute best the world has. Take example A, Rich Joseph. The guy has more fantasy teams than Brigham Young had wives and he brings fantasy gold to each and every one. In Week 11, he relied on three players who have looked done at certain points of their season, but have come back strong. Peyton Manning, as he usually does, led the Busters with 24 and announced that he had won the gameball, which he promptly gave to tough actin� Tinactin. Manning was backed up by used up Thomas Jones, who had 13, and Julius �Mr. Peepers� Peppers who sacked a lame Orton repeatedly and ended up with 15. Joseph was not as pleased by BenJarvis Green Ellis. Even though his name is fun to say in an iambic way, Ellis scored zero points and might not see another day in the Buster backfield. Eddie Royal and Roddy White saved the O-flex with a combined 15 points, but in the end Joseph said that he�d like to see archery back in the Olympics just so he take a gander at Geena Davis in her shooting suit again and that he was �in a word � lucky.� The 77 points did represent the lowest winning total for the Busters this year and they remained just a game back of the lead. For Mitchell � a Frisbee enthusiast who�d like to see disc gold and ultimate in the next Olympics � it was back to the drawing board. It looks like he has a nice piece for the future in Steve Slaton who scored 16 points and the gameball. Fellow Steve, Breaston did little and Lee Evans did even less. Mitchell announced that when he has a son, he is going to name him Wrath with Greed coming in as a safety name. Wrath Mitchell � I wouldn�t mess with him. Pretty much anyone can mess with the Herrings these days as they have now lost eight of nine and find themselves in the Modano basement.
Week 12 previews - Another battle for second place position takes prime time precedence in Week 12 as the two 7-4 teams face off in what looks like a struggle within Elizabethan intrigue. The heir to the throne could be Rich Joseph and his Ball Busters. They already have football royalty in Peyton Manning and have a parcel of Cowboy receivers to keep their opponent quiet. Dan Weitz is like the bastard son whose claims to the throne are dubious at best. His team�s scoring average indicates how much luck has gone into his 7-4 start, but the stuff (ahem) is heading toward the fan. The Cookies who beat the Busters 84-73 in Week 3 have Warrick Dunn and Envy retread Jonathan Vilma in the lineup. Weitz has wisely pegged Greg Olson as his tightend. Joseph is throwing caution to the wind and starting Antonio Pittman and Josh Wilson. Joseph noted, �Luck won't do it this week. If we want the title, these are the ones we need to put up big numbers!� The Busters and Cookies are looking up at the Bull City team that is riding a two game winning streak and has notched victories in six of their last seven games. They face a down in the mouth 44�s squad that was whipped by City by 46 points in Week 3. John Stoer said, �City owns us but we need to step us this week, if not for ourselves, then at least for the rest of the league to make this an interesting final stretch.� Yes, please do. To help his case, Stoer has unearthed Bubbie from his suspension/injury woes. Larry Johnson hasn�t been on the field in awhile, but he crocheted a nice new sweater while he was out. Now, eat your chicken soup, you�re skin and bones. Skin and bones. One guy who is not skin and bones is LenDale White who is back on the City scene. University of Louisiana at Lafayette grad Peanut Tillman will likely take one to the house for City. The battle by the bay always has special significance for Chad Nuss. This year, it has some extra sauce because should the Coroners prevail they will not only avenge a 16 point Week 3 loss, but tie the Cubists in the standings. Nuss is playing the usual suspects � too many Raiders, too many Brandons, and just enough Joey. Jason Moore is letting his backup QB�s worry about who is schtupping starlets, while Kurt Warner pretends its 2000 all over again and keeps schtupping Jesus. Warner will be backed up by the entire Panther running crew except Tim Biakabatuka and Bernard Berrian makes a special appearance. The Envy and Brents continue to fight for respectability and fledgling title hopes. Owner Steve Johnson said, �Last week we saw just who was supreme in the upper Midwest. Was it the Bears? Oh, no, it was not. 37-3, bab-ey!� Owner Perry Missner could just weep, but through those tears came a look of something that can�t exactly be described: utter determination? Perhaps. The need to use the toilet? More likely. Whatever it is, Missner might not be thinking straight to have Antonio Bryant and Pierre Thomas in his lineup. Oop, Derrick Ward has just been inserted in the lineup. How�s that for up to date news. Rumor has it that Ben Roethlisberger may score 21 points this week. He is backed up by a number of one-time great players who have not had great seasons. Missner said, �We are also benching our entire O-flex in hopes of kick starting the middle of the lineup. I still haven't forgotten the hurt the Brents put on us in Week 3, but that's when we had Kevin Smith, Tony Scheffler, and Jonathan Vilma in the lineup (a combined zero points). There will be no gimmes this time around.� Tell that to that goof Houshmandzadeh. One point and he still can�t be dropped. Finally, we have the tale of two brothers playing in the basement. The Mitchell can celebrate 2008 as the year they helped get Barack Obama elected by foregoing all Modano wins. Well, not all wins, but just most. Bad things all starter in Week 3 when the Wookies won a 64-54 defensive struggle. The two teams have accumulated a combined three wins since then. The Wookies have three Patriots, but the Herrings have Mayo. Never one to give up a lost cause, Charlie is starting Kyle Orton again.
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