When Perry announced his retirement and my succession, my inbox was flooded by members of the football community wanting to know what they could do to in this time of transition. Many just wanted to say a word or two acknowledging Perry��s immense impact while a not insubstantial number asked if they could guest recap at some point during the season. Rather than spreading it out through the season, I decided that week one would be a ��Tribute to Perry�� week and so I invited five people of varying Modano importance to recap this week��s games. So, to kickoff the 2008 recaps, we have the host of the 2000 Year-End Awards Banquet, Dennis Miller, to recap the Cubist-Wookie game.
Weaselicious Cookies 90 SF Cubists 74 - Hi all, it��s good to be back. You know, when my manager booked me to host the Year End Awards back in 2000, I thought maybe the ghost of Timothy Leary had dosed his scotch and soda. I mean the Awards back then were smaller than Billy Barty for Christ sakes. But after an experience like none other in my career, imagine say, Barbra Streisand opposite Farley in Tommy Boy, I figured I was finished with this freak show of imagination. But little did I know what would become of these recaps back in 2000. So when I heard that Perry was stepping down, I hopped off the wife, called my agent, and now, eight years later, I get to do one little bit in what has become a life��s masterwork, a decade-long birthing from the love child of Dave Barry and Ethan Coen. But not Joel!! That guy��s a hack who couldn��t write a joke even if he was an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters. I don��t want to get off on a rant here, but Joel Coen has the type of intelligence where he would have played Chris Cooley, Santonio Holmes and Chad Johnson, even knowing they would put up a cumulative 2 points. And Chad, it��s been done babe, and by better than you. You should have just put on a wedding dress and changed your name to Dennis Rodman. Hopefully we��ll be spared another Simon Sez. And I don��t want to say the Cubists were overconfident, but I heard Tony Romo bought his own Mexican island for game week getaways and is paying Adam Vinatieri $100,000 a day to kick beers over to him every half hour. And this team has Reggie Bush too? I didn��t know you could fit that many prima donnas on one team. And you have to respect their class. I mean, you don��t practice since winning the championship the season before, so your strategy is to shred the knee of the opposing QB? Forget that it��s Tom Brady for a sec, what was this, Ocho Rodman��s idea? Did he say, ��Hey guys, Laimbeer just called and I know how we can win without having to practice.�� I��ve got nothing but respect for owner Jason Moore, and I��m sure he��s displeased by his team��s performance, (the closed doors to his locker room must be due to his ripping his team a new a-hole), but did he really need to go Gillooly on Brady in week one? Cookie owner Dan Weitz continued his recent closed door policy as well, but if he had spoken to the media, he would have shared this video that he had made at the end of last season in an eerie premonition of the champs tactics: http://www.ryanparkersongs.com/2007/10/go-gillooly.html Sure, Marion Barber scored more than Kathy Bates on Conjugal Visits with the Stars, and ESPN cover boy Mario Williams was in Romo��s face more than Jessica Simpson��s bajingo, but even the Cookies third win in their last four meetings with the Cubists has to ring a little hollow after losing Brady for the season. I��d say the Cookies will be all right, but someone told me prior to writing this, that it��s just as likely Weitz will put Brady back out there in week two- wheelchair and all. Wait, hold on, this just in, Weitz released him? He cut Tom Brady! He cut Tom Brady? Wow, this is more shocking than Tina Fey becoming a huge industry star while I��m sitting here doing a guest recapping gig. Look what the future holds Tina Fey!! Look what the future holds!
Red Herrings 89 Big Bad Bretts 75 Hi everyone, Bob Costas here. I was privileged to host the Awards Banquet in 2002, and, other than hosting an Olympic Games or my own HBO show or Sunday Night Football on NBC, there��s no where I��d rather be than right here, right now, with you. And what a game I have to recap. On the one had we had the Bretts. One game away from a title last season. The champs the season before that. An indisputably talented roster, (one��s mind immediately harkens back to the ��67 baseball Cardinals), and a team that had never lost to their opponent. On the other hand, the notoriously slow starting Bretts hadn��t won a season opener since 2004. It��s only in sports, I find, that the contradiction of facts provides so much of the drama. Well, maybe literature too. Anyway, their much heralded trio of running backs- and as all true Modano fans know, an assemblage of three outstanding runners is, according to bylaw, automatically dubbed a ��three-headed monster��- all fell flat on this beautiful opening day, and while new QB Ben Roethlisberger tried his best to keep the team in contention, the Bretts couldn��t keep up with the pace of Charlie Mitchell��s Herrings, and fell once again in an opening week, this time 89-75. Roethlisberger earned a gameball and matching white shoes and belt for his all-pro 15 point performance. The remainder of the offense was singled out for scorn by Johnson, who then sent out this mysterious press release, ��In a printing mix-up, the schedule was sent out to the team without week one dates marked. When the time came to play�K no one showed up. The only people around were the school kids who ride their bikes to the stadium, in hopes of having their favorite player ride their bike to the locker room. With no time to waste, anyone in a Bretts jersey got a shot at the big time. We shuffled those youngsters out onto the field and hoped for the best. At the last moment, Big Ben popped his head out of the film room hoping to quiet those damn kids down. He hadn't left the facility to watch more tape. What a trooper! So with a Super Bowl QB at the helm, we put those kids threw their paces. *Keep an eye on the kid in the Ware jersey. He has something*.�� If Johnson��s allegations are true, someone in the league office will surely be looking into this and it��s fair to say that heads will roll. So a potential scandal is brewing in the Modano world, something I��m sure we��ll all keep a very close eye on in the weeks and months to come. OK. That said, some praise needs to be handed out to the Herrings who took advantage of the situation presented them. A gameball and a cub cadet mower w/ beer helmet went to rookie WR DeSean Jackson, who went from waiver wire obscurity to 10 point scorer in a mere matter of hours on Sunday. Hannah Storm sat down with the rookie after the game, and we��ll have that interview coming in just a little bit. First though, a story rising from the Herring locker room is the disappointment that Mitchell had in the play of starting QB Carson Palmer, going so far as to hint at the possibility of a quarterback change for week two. Palmer, projected to have a big day, managed a mere two points, only furthering the cause of his many critics who have nicknamed him, ��The Siren.�� Still a week one victory despite some poor quarterback play left Mitchell feeling OK about his team. He said after the game, ��With four rookies this looked like a possible rebuilding year, but we're very excited to knock off the legendary Bretts. It's a milestone win for the franchise and hopefully a harbinger of good things to come.�� Good things to come. I couldn��t have said it better myself, though if I had, I would have used bigger words, a poignant tone, and a Midwestern sincerity that has gotten me to where I am today. Thanks again for this wondrous opportunity, and I��ll see you Sunday nights and, of course, in Vancouver in 2010.
County Coroners 110 P-Miss Envy 99 Hey, it��s the coach here, Mike Ditka and I��m recapping the Coroners-Envy game. I wanted to do this ��cause Perry��s a good guy, ya know, and a loyal Bears fan, and well, I��m happy to be here, though I will say that this isn��t really my thing, but I��m, like, gonna do my best and then invite everyone over to the restaurant for some good steaks, some good wine, and then, you know, we can talk some football. Anyhow, it��s too bad Perry��s Envy lost this one, but Chad��s Coroners were just too tough. I mean Willie Parker scored 28 points, something he seems to do a lot when he��s healthy, but man, that kid can��t stay on the field enough to be consistent. And they��ve got that kid Rivers at quarterback. He scored 26 points. I like Rivers, I do, and maybe this is the year he breaks out, I don��t know, but I have to say I don��t see it. But that��s me. I mean he��s got all the tools, he just needs to start putting it together week in and week out. He could take some lessons from Jimmy McMahon, let me tell you. The Coroner defense was good, London Fletcher proved to be a good keeper, but really, it was those two guys I said before who helped the Coroners win. It says here that this was the most points the Coroners had scored since 2005 and they now lead the series 10 games to 9, but I��ll tell you, I never put any stock into those kinds of numbers. The only numbers I ever cared about, EVER, was the score at the end of the game and how many times I put my guy on his butt during the game. That��s it. That��s all I cared about. Most points scored since 2005, who cares, really? Anyway, the Envy had some guys who played well too. They��ve got McNabb, who��s a great quarterback and an even better leader. You can see on the field how he��s got his team listening to him. It��s his team, it��s obvious. He had 32 points. Marshawn Lynch had 12 points, and he��s a good young running back. He��s going to have a good season, just you watch. Then some guy named Kevin Smith scored 11 points, but I��ll be honest with you here, I don��t know too much about him. Maybe he��s good, I don��t know, but he had a good day here. Dallas Clark stunk up the joint though, and he��s a good tight end, though really he��s more like a big receiver. He doesn��t block a whole lot except for downfield when he needs to. He doesn��t like to mess up that jersey of his, which, OK, I understand times change, and football changes, but I��m old school, you know that about me, and I like to see tight ends getting physical, hitting people, but, again, that��s me, and Clark is a good player, don��t get me wrong. Anyway, I��ve got a bunch of quotes here from Perry about the game and all, but I don��t know if I��m supposed to put ��em in here or not, but I will say that one thing stood out for me in there and it��s when says he ��doesn��t like to open with a win.�� Again, maybe it��s me, maybe I��m too old for this, and the game has passed me by, but when you say publicly that you don��t want to win, I mean if you even think it, well I just don��t understand. I mean, why wake up and put your shorts on then? That��s what the game is all about son. And I like you, I do, you��re a true Bears fan, but I can��t hear that you don��t like to open with a win, I just don��t get it. Not one bit. But maybe it��s me, I don��t know. Hey good luck to both teams next week and thanks for letting me do this. I don��t know if it��s what you were looking for, but, hey, I��m me and I only know how to do things my way. So, see ya, I��m done.
The Ballbusters 78 Syracuse 44��s 64 Hey guys, Troy Aikman here, and I��ve just got to say that I��m thrilled to be here today to participate in this great cause. It��s a wonderful charity and I think everyone really ought to donate, not just their money, but their time as well until we find a cure and defeat this disease. Because that��s what we can do with diseases now in the 21st century, we can defeat them. But hey, you don��t have to listen to me, I��m just an ex-football player who has found a home on FOX, doing what I love, which is talking about football, and getting to spend time with the greatest guy in the whole world, Joe Buck. Joe and I have gotten really close over the last couple of seasons doing games for FOX, all that time on the road, in hotels, sharing meals, you get close to a guy. So while this is a great cause, and I��m really happy to be here, it��s all thanks to Joe Buck, my partner on FOX. So I guess I ought to get to recapping, right? That��s why I��m here after all. OK, let��s see. Well, I guess first I ought to say that the Ballbusters beat the 44��s 78-64. The Busters have now won two opening week games in a row after losing their first four. Good job. The 44��s have now lost two in a row on opening day. Let��s see, what else�K. Oh, ok, the Ballbusters were led in scoring by Peyton Manning. He had 16 points. As an aside, I��ve gotten to know Peyton a little bit over the years, he plays in Indy which we don��t get to cover on FOX as much as I��d like, but he��s a good guy and a good quarterback. Ok, what else, uhm, T.O. had 11, but so did 44��s WR Reggie Wayne, so that sort of canceled each other out. Let��s see, Thomas Jones had 12 points, oh, but so did Adrian Peterson. Another cancel out. A lot of zeros posted. Braylon Edwards, Wes Welker, and Torry Holt. Jeez, not a good day to be a wide receiver. But hey, I remember a lot of days where I only threw to Michael Irvin and the other guys were sort of left out. But that��s mostly because Michael sort of scared me. I remember this one time, funny story and I��ll tell it quick, Michael was waving his gun around in the locker room and he had this really hard, intense look in his eyes, but his eyes, it��s like they were bugging out of his head, and he started screaming that he would shoot all of us if we lost that day, and now that I think about it, it may have only been an exhibition game against the Falcons, but man, that��s the type of competitor he was and why he��s in the Hall-of-Fame right now. Sorry, so, what was I saying about FOX? Oh, the game, yeah, I guess the difference came down to the defenses, where the Busters scored 26 points, including a return TD, while the 44��s scored only 17. That and the quarterback play. Manning was better than 44��s QB David Garrard. Let��s see, anything else? No, I think that��s about it, so thanks again, thanks to Joe Buck who I hope is my partner for life on FOX, and you know, diseases are bad, we can defeat them, but we have to give 110% and our money and our time, and man, this has been really great, I hope I get a chance to do this again because you guys are great and this cause is great and Joe Buck is great and FOX is great. I guess I just have so much to be thankful for. So congrats Ballbusters, nice win, and 44��s, you know, go get ��em next week. See ya, you guys are great.
Bull in the City 110 Wookies 84- Hi fellas, I know this is going to come as a little bit of a shock, but I just had to try and reach some of you big, strong men and to tell you who I am and what I believe in. First, I know you were expecting John Madden right about now, but my new protection detail subdued him all too easily and have him detained somewhere beyond legal jurisdiction, you know, like Cuba�K.. just kidding, just kidding with you guys. Anyway, I guess I ought to introduce myself, my name is Sarah Palin and I��m running for Vice-President of the United States this fall. Ain��t that a hoot? I��ve got five children, and I��m a good loving mother. I��m from outside Washington so you know I��ll bring change once I��m inside Washington. Being from Alaska, I have, on occasion, eaten some wild game, so in that way I am very much like roughrider Teddy Roosevelt who used to do the same thing, and he was more than qualified to be President, right? Anyway, you don��t want to hear about my list of accomplishments or my extensive record, you are guys and you want to hear about football, am I right? And yes, I am a woman, but I��m from Alaska, and Alaska has a lot of tough men, and while we don��t have a professional football team (yet��), you can��t become the governor of a great state like ours without being able to talk about issues that men care about, like football. So let me recap this game for you. The Bull in the City team scored 110 points. Their victory, combined with the Cubists loss, gives the Bull in the City a one game lead for most victories ever in the history of the league. The Bull in the City were led by their all-pro QB Drew Brees, who passed his way to 28 points. New running back Michael Turner totaled 26 points in his first game for Bull in the City. (I just have to say, every time I write Bull in the City, I have this wonderful thought where, let��s say, I am the City. Yum.) Brees and Turner were aided by Frank Gore with an all-pro 15 points and Hines ��Captain Hiney�� Ward with an all-pro 17 points. Did I get that right? Captain Hiney? Hmm, my next Chief of Staff perhaps. Still, that��s 4 players with all-pro performances in a single week, while the Wookies had only one, DL James Harrison who scored 22 points. The Wookies had a bunch of guys with 7 points, and their ultra-cute QB Derek Anderson had 11 points, but it wasn��t enough to overcome the massive strength of the Bull in the City. Still 84 points is usually pretty good, right? It was a good try by the Wookies. The Bull in the City was just too strong and hard to beat. Let me say that again, the Bull in the City was just too hard to beat. I got that trick from Hillary Clinton, repeating something for emphasis. See, besides just being women, Hillary and I have things in common. But back to the recap, the game also proved that history doesn��t always have to be repeated. The Wookies had won three straight season openers while the Bull in the City had lost three straight. But as this game proved, change can happen, change will happen, and all it takes is the will to make it so. This week the Bull in the City had that will, controlled it, tamed it, and used it to secure a victory. And in that victory, they provided a blueprint for us all. Sure the Republican Party has controlled the White House for 20 of the past 28 years, but John McCain and I are about change. Not like those inside the Beltway, me-first, country-second Democrats who don��t understand the meaning of the word. Change is about will, the will to put right what once went wrong, and to hope that with each small leap forward we��ll all get the home we��ve always wanted, earned, and deserved. Because that��s the American dream, is it not? And sometimes it takes something as masculine and testosterone-filled as football to show us our dreams while sometimes it takes someone as compassionate and understanding as a woman to help us realize our dreams. Good night and God bless the greatest country in the world, the only country that truly loves football.
Week 2 previews The week 2 Prime Time game of the week will feature the two teams that scored 110 points in week 1, the Coroners and Bull in the City. BC has owned the series between these two, 14-6, and also owns an 8-2 record on week 2. In keeping with long standing BC tradition, they have benched starting QB Drew Brees, who is facing the Redskins this week. In comes the young, up-and-comer Aaron Rodgers who will look to new TE Bo Scaife to improve upon the play of veteran Alge Crumpler who was released this week. The Coroners have changed their TE as well, adding Anthony Fasano to take over for Zach Miller. WR Brandon Marshall returns from a one-week suspension to inherit the WR slot now vacated by Vincent Jackson who returns to the bench. Vegas has the road Coroners- the team with the coolest new logo in the league- as 14 point favorites, but will championship pride and experience lead BC to a 2-0 start, or will the Coroners jump to 2-0 to shock the Modano world. The 4pm game features two of the top teams from ��07, the defending champion Cubists versus the mercurial Envy, hard luck 99 point losers in week 1. The all-time season series between these two is knotted at nine. Said Missner, leading up to the week 2 grudge match, ��The Cubists opened a bit slowly, so they are likely to rebound. We hope to have Willis out there and get a few more TD's.�� McGahee sat out week one with an undisclosed injury, leaving fellow Wondertwin Edgerrin James orphaned. A reunion of the two brothers can only help the Envy cause. Chad Ocho Cinco heads to the Cubist bench in the hopes of more sanity and stability in the Cubist lineup. It��s hard to believe, but one of these talented teams will open the season 0-2. Vegas gives the home standing Cubists a one TD edge. Headlining the 1pm games is the duel between the 1-0 Red Herrings and the 1-0 Ballbusters. One of these teams will be tied a top the early Modano standings with a victory. The Busters add DL Travis LaBoy to the game day lineup while the Herrings are hoping rookie RB Felix Jones plays a larger role in the offense. There��s not much of a history between these two young owners, but the Busters do own a 2-0 series edge. Said Charlie Mitchell in anticipation of a big early season tussle, ��Week one the match-ups all looked good for us - this week looks much tougher. It'll all come down to two of my rookies on MNF. We hope very much not to have our balls busted.�� And who among us can hope for less? Vegas has this as a -1 Ballbuster line, but it��s essentially a pick ��em and should be a great contest. Another 1pm game sees the slow starting Bretts taking on the now Brady-less Cookies. In what looks like a mismatch, Vegas sees this as a -20 point blowout, but the Bretts shouldn��t take the 1-0 Cookies lightly. As soon as they decide on their new starting QB- as of now, the coy Cookies refuse to name a starter- the Cookies will surround him with real talent. The Bretts hope that WR Dwayne Bowe will inject some life into their offense and that his star players play to their ability in week 2. The Bretts own this series 13-3 and the Cookies are a lousy 3-7 in week 2��s. Looks like a mismatch, smells like a mismatch, but we shall see. Finally, the 44��s, coming off their lowest opening day total since ��03 do battle with Will Mitchell��s Wookies. Both teams are looking to rebound following poor opening weeks. The Wookies have added rookie RB Matt Forte to the lineup while, amazingly, the 44��s are the only team not to make a change in their starting lineup. Perhaps owner John Stoer sees week 1 as an aberration rather than a trend. Vegas seems to back him up as his team is favored by -17 points on the road, still, his team will need to show some rapid improvement if he wants to beat a team that has beaten him in 10 of their 16 previous contests. Neither owner commented on the coming week��s game, a disappointingly popular trend in 2008.
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