The Setting: The epicenter of Durham, NC – Cameron Indoor Stadium. There is an atmosphere inside that Dick Vitale would call “crazy” and possibly even “intense.” It’s as if North Carolina were coming to town, but somehow Michael Jordan, Vince Carter, and Dante Calabria were all still on the team. On other words, the Cameron Crazies have been worked into a frenzy. They are jumping around and getting ready for coordinated cheers that will throw off even the steadiest of free throw shooters. Yes, coordinated cheers are the worst thing possible. All of the sudden, the noise stops and there is a hush among the Crazies as if they feel a ripple in the force.
The lights go out and a single spotlight appears. Into the light steps a cranky guy with a big nose: Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski. The silence is shattered and sonic booms are heard. The crowd loves this guy and it’s pretty clear that he is used to being a god among Crazies. The applause goes on for far, far too long. Finally, Coach K is given a mike.
MK [whinily]: Thank you, thank you for that rousing reception. I never get tired of it – when I get up in the morning, when I take a good crap, and when I enter Cameron Indoor Stadium. Now, who are we going to root for?
Cameron Crazies: BLUE DEVILS!
MK: Yes, but I do need to talk to you about a few important matters. First, please – if you are Americans – please use American Express. I can’t state how important American Express is. Why I never leave home without it?
CC: [General noise, laughing in hysterics sort of like the laugh track to Everybody Loves Raymond.]
MK: And eat at McDonalds too. And, please – and this is the most important one – when you have sex, please do not use a condom. It’s a sin!
CC: [the crowd roars approval and starts their first chant of the night] Pope K! Pope K!
MK: Now, we have some business to take care of. No, not the ACC tournament presented by American Express (Don’t leave home without it), but the biggest event ever to hit Cameron Indoor Stadium, the 2008 Modano Mi Hermano Awards. Now that I have been on stage for my minimum 30 minutes, I can get my speaker’s fee. So, without further ado I present the co-commissioners of the Modano Mi Hermano League Todd Tugwell and Steve “the Einar” Olson.
[Angels fly in and take Coach K off to heaven on a cloud and the crowd isn’t sure what to make of the two blond headed men in front of them.]
Todd Tugwell: How about that Coach Kerzwacki?
[The air goes from light to heavy. There is a brooding in the air. It’s up the Einar.]
SEO: [meekly] J.J. Redick?
[The party is back on. The crowd is boisterous and happy.]
SEO: [clearly pleased with himself] Mike Gminski! Now, we have a show to put on, but with all of the economic upheaval going on in our country and throughout the world, we’ve had to economize here as well. We’ve landed American Express as a sponsor, but in order to rent out the gym, we’ve had to agree with Fox to put on a sort of teleplay.
TT: Now, wait just a minute, Einar. We did this last year in New Zealand. You aren’t trying to tell me that we are going to rehash last year’s idea, are we?
SEO: No, the powers that be have something else in mind this year. Allow me to present this year’s theme and panelists…
[The crowd is interested, almost curious, but wary all the same.]
SEO: The cast and crew of American Idol! Including Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, David Hasselhoff, and the black guy at the end.
CC: MICHAEL! YOU’RE DRIVING TOO FAST! HWAW!
[The all-too-familiar American Idol music starts blaring and the familiar lyrics about becoming a star are heard. Meanwhile the key grip and gaffer get the stage ready for the show.]
Paula Abdul: Thank you for having us, Duke University.
David Hasselhoff: Yes, I feel as alive as Jason Williams popping a wheelie!
PA: I’ll drink to that.
[The air becomes surly again.]
SEO: [now knowing how to the save the day] Wojo!
Simon Cowell: All right, I think we’ve wasted enough of everyone’s time, especially mine. As you know, I am the shrewdest evaluator of talent the world has ever created. I, in fact, know what “it” is and I can tell if you have “it” or not. That’s my one purpose in life – oh, that and scathing, bitchy commentary. I am ready to scathe some bitches, so let’s bring on the first one. Charlie Mitchell!
[Mitchell hits the stage with a sixpack and a smirk.]
DH: So, you’re first out, Charlie – which is the exact opposite of me in a holding my guy in contest. What is your talent?
CM: I am going to shotgun a sixpack in under a minute.
PA: Isn’t that dangerous?
CM: Yes, Paula, I could totally throw out my larynx with this one.
Other Black Guy at the End: Damn!
[CM pops open an entire sixpack cues the music and downs the Coors in 56 seconds flat]
CM: WEHHHhhewie!
SC: That’s it.
CM: [slightly drunkenly] Oh yeah!
SC: I am sorry but that is barely a talent. Drinking? In Britain, we would call you a stooge.
OBG: Damn!
CM: You take that back!
SC: All right – you did what you said you would. Now tell me, what went right this season?
CM: [more drunkenly – some words slurring – alcohol starting to take effect] Not much. We found Slaton and we stayed in the same city for a full season.
PA: Aw, I’d like to be in the same city for two nights in a row. What went wrong?
CM: [nearly incomprehensible]: Wrong? Well, it all started with missing the draft (not that I blame those good souls who drafted for me), then choosing each week from my pupu platter of bum qbs.
DH: That beer smells good. Who are your keepers?
CM: [swaying heavily] F*&% you, Hasselhoff. You think your so big … [followed by some incoherent rambling … followed by CM collapsing]
PA: Did he say what I thought he said?
DH: I’ve been to my share of AA meetings and I could have sworn he said he was keeping Schauber along with Slaton and Westbrook.
OBG: Damn!
SC: It’s a shame he passed out because I could have told him that keeping Matt Schaub was nearly as unwise as keeping Matt Hasselback last year. Some people never learn. Speaking of which, let’s bring in John Stoer.
John Stoer: Hey, everybody. Here’s what I was planning: Kerry Collins and I are going to drink a Budweiser every time commissioner Tugwell opens his mouth and then at the end of the night we are going to cross-check him and make his legs twitch and head bleed just like little Wayne Gretzky in Sega hockey. Is that a talent?
All in unison along with the crowd: No!
JS: Oh, okay I’ll just get up and do a karaoke version of Tom Petty’s “Hard to Find a Friend.”
SC: That is perfectly acceptable. I hope you can sing.
JS: I’ve been compared to Frank Sinatra. It’s true – someone once told me “you’re no Frank Sinatra.”
[A tune that sound similar to Tom Petty’s Hard to Find a Friend is heard, but it has a distinctly Raggae beat. Stoer does his best with the lyrics and punches them up with a lot of pelvic thrusting, shouts of “who’s with me?” and hog-like grunts. Afterwards, he takes a deep bow. No one applauds.]
SC: Well, wasn’t that something. I certainly hope you are better at fantasy football than you are at singing – or whatever that would be called.
JS: No one is more active than me!
DH: So, tell us, Sto. What went right this season?
JS: The acquisition of WR Andre Johnson has to be the best thing to come out of a dreary ’08 season for us. He looks to be a long term keeper. On the field, the sweep of our Pizza rivals has to be our finest accomplishment. I know that’s like giving a kicker the gameball, but the highlights were few and far between this year. And I know we won four of five down the stretch, but we seem to do that every year after we’ve been humiliated and beat down by week 12.
PA: On the flip side, what went wrong?
JS: I don’t know what I ever did to piss the Modano gods off other than spit in their face and tell them they body check like little pony-tailed beret-wearing girls, but did we really have to allow the most points in the league for a second straight season? I’m no mathematician, but that seems pretty damn improbable. Cookies DB Antoine Winfield’s Monday Night 25 point game in week 5 doomed our season. Oh, and I also had two starters get suspended and one idiot shoot himself in the leg. Only in Syracuse, I guess.
OBG: Damn! What are you going to go in the offseason?
JS: I’m going to sacrifice as many nubile young tattoo-free virgins as it takes so that Larry Johnson gets traded to New England and not Seattle, or heaven forbid, stay in KC.
SC: That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said. Who are you taking with you on your journey to 2010?
JS: Adrian Peterson, Andre Johnson, and Larry Johnson. Two were easy, as AP was the #3 back and AJ the #2 WR, but the third choice was very tough. In the end, I picked Johnson by process of elimination. I vowed, after the Vince Young mistake, to never keep a QB again, and Ronnie Brown has been a thorn in my paw for over a year and I’m happy to be finally rid of him. After that though I wasn’t left with many options, so in true 44 fashion I have decided to actually retain the disgruntled misogynist over other more worthy candidates. Is there any doubt why I finish in the bottom half every year?
SC: Interesting choices – a pair of Johnsons. I always like that. Maybe Bubbelah still has some game left. With the new regime in Kansas City, they might be able to squeeze a few points out of him yet. You’ve almost made me forget about your singing. Now, get off my stage.
[JS shuffles off. A pink grand piano is wheeled out.]
SC: This is going to be good. Who is next?
[Jason Moore arrives next, dressed in a pink jumpsuit with sequins. It also has giant angel wings. The Cameron Crazies – never at a loss for words – are at a loss for words.]
PA: That is some costume. What is your talent?
JM: I will play a little Scott Joplin on the piano.
[JM sits at the piano and plucks the first few notes of the Entertainer. Hesitantly at first, but when the crowd starts clapping, JM gets into it. By the end of his four-minute performance, he is playing with his nose and the back of his feet, jumping around, and giving it everything he’s got. Cue OBG]
OBG: Damn!
PA: That was an amazing performance and nothing like I’ve ever seen before. One quick question – why the angel’s wings?
JM: Why not?
PA: That makes sense. Simon, what did you think?
SC: Meh – the opening bars were terrible and I don’t think this performance was in the way Mr. Joplin intended the piece. I found the costuming garish and distracting and I noticed he missed an A#. If I never hear the Entertainer again, that would be fine with me.
OBG: Damn!
DH: Well, that was just mean, Simon, but I guess that’s why you’re here. I am here for my interview and gut sucking prowess. So, JaMo, if I may call you that, what went right in the 2008 season?
JM: Unexpectedly strong performances from Williams and Johnson, as well as Kurt Warner. As for what went wrong, lousy D, a couple of injuries, and weak performances from 2 of my 3 top draft picks (Ocho Cinco and Santonio Holmes).
PA: So what’s your offseason plan:
JM: Cross my fingers and hope I made the right call leaving Brady and his mystery injury status off my roster. By the way, I am bringing back DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson, and Larry Fitzgerald.
SC: I may not think much of your piano playing, but I know that you are five-time champion in these parts and those sound like fine keepers. It’s been awhile since the cubists had a pair of nice runners like Williams and Johnson (three Johnsons kept so far!) and 2009 will probably be a good year in San Francisco.
JM: Thanks, Simon and I am sorry about the costume. I’ll never wear sequins again!
SC: That is another good start for 2009. Who is next? Oh, that furry Will Mitchell. And what will your talent be (I hope it is more representative than your brother)?
WM: I'll sing Edelweiss in German while downing 4 liters of beer between words.
SC: Oh, for god sakes.
[Unbeknownst to the senior Mitchell Edelweiss has a 25-page version so Mitchell is on stage singing and drinking for four hours. Remarkably, he seems unaffected by the amount of beer that would kill most blue whales.]
SC: Well, wasn’t that something? I must have set a record for looking at the camera and rolling my eyes. I can only imagine what inspired this performance. So, what went wrong in 2008?
WM: The draft. Trading Forte.
DH: What about what went right?
WM: A lot really - just not the final record. We played through some adversity - a really crap draft class performance (McFadden, Andersen), some injuries, some tough losses. We played a very tough D-ball and racked up a lot of points down the stretch. Matt Cassell really shone. We have a core and the right stuff to make it back to contention next year - never gave up.
DH: And what will you do insure success next year?
WM: We'll scout and prepare for the draft much better. We'll take more risks and shake things up - such as letting Antonio move on. We'll avoid stupid trades and expect a strong performance from our keeper core.
PA: That sounds great. Really, really great. Who are your keepers, Will?
WM: Calvin Johnson, Randy Moss, and Marshawn Lynch
SC: More Johnsons! There must be something that family’s water. I can’t really complain, however. Nice job, Will.
WM: Thanks, Mr. Crowell. [All of the sudden the barrels of beer take effect on WM and he passes out next to CM.]
[Chad Nuss bursts on to the stage. He’s pumped!]
Chad Nuss: Hey, everybody! Is everybody ready to laugh – I said, is everybody ready to laugh?!?
PA: Oh, excellent, you are going to tell us some jokes?
CN: No, I will be eating 100 hot dogs in under 30 minutes.
[In fact, it only takes Nuss 12 minutes to down all 100 dogs in one of the greatest displays of gastronomical demolition known to mankind. Unfortunately, DH is a vegan and seeing all of that processed meat in one place makes him swoon – right next to the Mitchells.]
CN: [belly somewhat distended] I’d now like to talk about Philip Rivers, who like 100 hot dogs, I have a love/hate relationship with. I am bringing him back along with Brandon Jacobs and Steve Smith. I love Jacobs too, but I needed a bit more power in the running game to really succeed in 2008. I have already started my preparation for the 2009 season by watching a Tony Robbins Seminar called “Unleash the Power Within.”
PA: I love that seminar and I love unleashing my inside power.
SC: Interesting keepers. Rivers was somewhat of a surprise and I can see why a Black-and-Silver devotee like yourself would be conflicted. Now, if my timing is correct, I think you may have to sit on the toilet for the next three and a half hours right .. about … now.
[CN quickly runs off holding his backside to keep the burgeoning somewhat frankfurters from leaping out. Dan Weitz, expecting the worst, is next. Will the roof of Cameron fall on him?]
Dan Weitz: I am sorry. I really don’t have a talent. I can’t really sing or dance. I know that marks me as a failure in your book and potential participant in Big Brother. I’d like to pass on the talent portion of the contest – maybe I can go right to the swimsuit?
PA: There is no swimsuit competition here. I asked. Isn’t there anything you can do better than regular the Joe?
DW: Is swearing a talent?
PA: I guess so.
[DW unleashes his power within – a string of swears so unheard of, so vile, so creative that the when he is finished there is almost nothing left to say.]
[SC stands up and begins a slow clap. There is a tear in his eye. The rest of the crowd soon joins in the applause. DW holds his hands up in triumph.]
SC: Dan Weitz – I’ve seen many rare talents in my day from the skinny gay dude who could sing to the big black guy who could sing. That was simply terrific. If I ever take a leave of absence from Idol, I’d like you to be my replacement. Now, tell me – swearer to swearer – what went right this season?
DW: Hmmmm We held our opponents to low scores usually. Sadly, we couldnt score when we needed too. I hold Amber responsible for the teams' lapses in discipline. As a teenager now I'm not sure she even knows what the word means. She can also be moody which effects our team’s concentration.
PA: So what are you going to do about this situation?
DW: What any good parent would: Fire Amber!!!!!!!!!!! I would like to take this opportunity to name her replacement as GM for the cookies.....none other then Owen Olsen 3 year old son of our hated rival the einar. Owen has already easily surpassed his father in intelligence, drive and arm strength. He can already whoop his dad in arm wrestling.
SC: An interesting approach. Who is joining the Cookies in 2009 along with Owen Olsen?
DW: Do I have to have three? or can I get an extra pick first before everybody else drafts? If not here are my keepers Marion Barber, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Anquin Boldin.
SC: Well, at least Barber and MJD know the system. It will be interesting see where Boldin ends up, but he could be a huge pick if he is traded to Philadelphia or New York. Again, nice job, Dan.
DW: Thanks, Mr. Cowell. And F*&*%R# you!
SC: Aw, Dan, you shouldn’t have. Who is next?
Perry Missner: I am. I have been practicing this talent for a long time and I think you are really going to like it. I am going to sing Tracy Chapman's Fast Car with my guitar.
[PM begins earnestly strumming his guitar and singing the weepy melody. About a quarter of the way through, SC begins laughing. PM stops.]
PM: What the hell is so funny?
SC: You are truly a terrible singer. And you make these faces. Start again, but this time turn around and face the wall.
PM: Are you fricken kidding me?
SC: No, this is a standard practice on American Idol when I want to humiliate the contestant.
PM: Well, no one is humiliating me!
[PM runs at SC and smashes his guitar over SC’s head.]
PM: How you like me now, biotch!
[Cameron Indoor Security staff pull PM away from a broken SC, but PM eludes the entire staff to get a boot to the head of insidious limey – a second Declaration of Independence.]
PM: Man, that felt good! Now, who has some questions?
PA: [meekly] I guess I do. What went right in 2008?
PM: We played hard every game and beat the eventual champion (badly) in our only meeting. The trade for Forte was great even though the cost was stiff.
PA: What went wrong in the 2009 season?
PM: Coaching is very good, but talent evaluation needs some work. Edgerrin James as a keeper - what the hell was 2008 Perry thinking.
PA: What will you do in the offseason to insure that you win the 2009 championship?
PM: I am going to spend 6-8 hours a day studying trends and tendencies of other owners. Then I am going to use that data to build a database and go 17-0 in an Ivan Drago like fashion.
PA: That sounds like a very good plan? Now, who will you bring with you?
PM: Matt Forte, Pierre Thomas, and T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Not a strong trio, but we have high hopes for Thomas. We'll build our team around Forte.
[After being laid out, SC creeps back to his seat. For whatever reason, despite being bloodied and battered, he is smiling beatifically.]
SC: No one has ever confronted me in that way. I feel born again. Wow – I feel so good. I don’t care what the next talent is, I am sure I am going to love it. Let’s see, who is up? Oh, Steve Johnson. Johnson’s clear are the best. What will you be doing for us? What’s that book?
Steve Johnson: I will be making a dramatic reading of Henry Kissinger's biography (with whistle intro)
[Johnson does his best deep German accent and reads the work cover to cover. The Awards Banquet has now gone on for 46 hours – just slightly less than it took to write it.]
SC: That was amazing. I was rapt for every word. Who knew that Kissinger spent his teen years as a transvestite? Back to topic, Steve, what went right in 2008?
SJ: We were still able to look somewhat respectable, even with the down poor effort from my team as a whole. My D performed great for me.. all year long. The league went down to the wire, again. If only we could do that every year.
SC: What went wrong?
SJ: Injures, poor play, and otherwise dismal year for my RBs (among others). Next year I plan to be on top of the wire more. I would look, late, at the available players, and the guy I wanted was always taken by Perry. (And look what it did for him!)
SC: I used to think that guy was a jerk, but he hit me in the head with a guitar and changed my entire prospective. So, any changes in your keepers?
SJ: Nope: ? LT, SJ, and Addai. I was trying to think of other options, but these were my strongest (If still shaky) picks.
PA: Are we almost done yet?
SC: Yes, just two more and I think I can write them in less than ten minutes. First off, Rich Joseph! What will you be doing for us?
Rich Joseph [continuing a trend from the stoned Northeast]: Juggle while smoking a fatty
[RJ proceeds to juggle chainsaws, cats, and tennis balls – all while smoking said fatty. Eventually, Randy Moss joins him on stage.]
SC: Well, that was nice. Can I take a hit?
RJ: No.
SC: All right then. That stunk.
RJ: Well, I’d just like to say that the Busters played well with a subpar team, but we didn’t produce in the clutch. We are going to have practices on Sunday to make sure we are ready for 2009 with the following keepers Roddy White, Thomas Jones, and – yes – for the ninth consecutive year Peyton Manning. I just can’t get rid of that guy.
SC: I know what you mean. Last and not least, Mr. Randy Chambers – the Modano Mi Hermano champion.
Randy Chambers: Hello. I don’t know if you consider this a skill, but I'd like to play a recorder through my nose like some lame-ass parent at my kids' school's yard clean-up day. The rest of us were dragging around 100 lb bags of mulch and dirt while this schmuck tooted his recorder through his nose. What a skill.
SC: Yes, that is lame. Bag that mulch, jerk.
RC: Thanks for the confirmation, Simon. Now I’d like to point out that Michael Turner rewarded me for my worst season ever with a performance worthy of a high draft pick. However, we had no defense, whatsoever. Frank Gore fumbling six times with few TDs and not enough years. And this offseason we will tweak the team name. Goad Brees for being outscored by his former Modano and real-life backup. Bribe Dan Snyder into getting some young stud O-linemen like Albert Haynsworth.
SC: And who will you be keeping?
RC: Portis, Turner, and Brees. Nuff said.
SC: Yes, thank you for coming. And good night!
CLOSING CREDITS
Sneaky Pete Most Surprising Winner………………………DeAngelo Williams, Cubists (22 votes)
Sneaky Pete Most Surprising Runner Up………………………….Matt Cassell, Wookies (21 votes)
Sneaky Pete Most Surprising Third Place……………………………..Matt Forte, Envy (19 votes)
Mark Pussier Disappointing Winner………………………..LaDainian Tomlinson, Brents (19 votes)
Mark Pussier Disappointing Runner Up…………………..… Braylon Edwards, Herrings (12 votes)
Mark Pussier Disappointing Third Place……………………..Willis McGahee, Envy (11 votes)
Wunderkind Rookie Winner……………………………………. Matt Forte, Envy (39 votes)
Wunderkind Rookie Runner Up………………………………..…Chris Johnson, Cubists (22 votes)
Wunderkind Rookie Third Place…………………………………………...Matt Ryan, (14 votes)
Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy Winner………………..DeMarcus Ware, Brents (29 votes)
Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy Runner Up…………....James Harrison, Coroners (27 votes)
Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy…………………………..Joey Porter, Coroners (8 votes)
La-la-la-la-Fontainte MVP Award Winner………………………..…Drew Brees, Bull City (49 votes)
La-la-la-la-Fontainte MVP Award Runner Up………………………...Michael Turner, Bull City (35 votes)
La-la-la-la-Fontainte MVP Award Third Place……………………..DeAngelo Williams, Cubists (26 votes)
Modano Mi Hermano Winner…………………………………………...Randy Chambers (five votes)
Modano Mi Hermano Runner Up………………………………………....Rich Joseph (two votes)
Modano Mi Hermano Runner Up………………………………………….Dan Weitz (two votes)
-----------------------------------The Worst Press----------------------------------------------------------------