Envy 94 Ballbusters 62 2007 continues to be a magic season for owner Perry Missner. As we enter the final two months of the year, Missner has seen nothing but success with his various franchises. And while this is nothing new, the roll that his flagship franchise, the Envy, has been on is nearly unprecedented. That roll continued in week eight with a convincing ass-whupping of long time rival Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters. Missner commented, "The Envy is hardly a dominant team like Modano has seen in years past, but we are solid. We have not had a really bad stinker week and we have made it through most of our byes. I was worried about Peyton going off and beating us by himself, but the rest of Rich's team looked like they were hung over from too much Red Sox bandwagon partying." The Envy were without their dynamic duo of Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee, the pair of "The U" running backs who do everything together including take the week off. One camera spotted McGahee running his fingers through James' dreadlocks on the sidelines which makes one wonder what they do off the field together. When told, Missner got the heebie jeebies, much like the time he saw Cubist owner Jason Moore and his spot on Hannibal Lecter costume. Creepy. But there was nothing creepy about the play of the Envy receivers. Braylon Edwards earned a gameball with his 19 point performance which barely overshadowed Reggie Wayne's 17 and Wisconsin man Lee Evans' 15. All-pro performances all. Kellen Winslow added a TD for 7 points of his own. And running back Benson, who has dropped his first name and wishes to go by just his last now, added a meager 3 points to bring his season total to 27. Those three points though were three more than Buster RB's Travis Henry and DeShawn Wynn put on the board. WR Donald Driver and TE Owen Daniels were able to equal those three points though taking the total of Buster players to four needed to equal the prodigious output of Benson. When asked for comment, owner Rich Joseph could not be found. Someone spotted him much later in a gutter surrounded by empty bottles of Sam Adams muttering "Papelbon" over and over. Peyton Manning took control of the Buster locker room and promptly closed it to the media. But one of our intrepid reporters saw him sneak out the back and followed him to a studio where he was shooting a commercial for the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. With a thumbs up and wink he was overheard to say, "I always hit Air Force Amy when she's open." It's clear that Manning has no shame and also that someone needs to take charge of the now .500 Busters. At 7-1 and leading the league, the Envy have no such problems. Missner said he was going to take a walk and enjoy the victory.
The Bull City 112 Syracuse 44's 43 2007 has been a dismal season in the Bull City. The championship banners that fly so proudly over the stadium are starting to fade and fray a little around the edges. Owner Randy Chambers has been despondent and griping more than Kobe Bryant. But on this magical Sunday, it was reminiscent of the glory years. One of the leaders of those championship squads was Captain Hiney who earned one of three gameballs handed out on the day by Chambers for his 17 points, but more importantly "for his leadership". Chambers took a quick shot at the media saying, "The media said we didn't make enough changes. It's not quantity that matters, it's quality," before handing out two more gameballs, "Marques Colston gets the 2nd for his fabulous practice, keeping Brees sharp for his breakout game. Brees gets the third for outscoring our QB position of the first 7 weeks, combined!" Yes, Marques Colston received a gameball despite being on the bench. Drew Brees though earned his as he put up 35 points nearly doubling his entire season's output. Losing owner John Stoer glumly commented, "It's not why we lost, but what the *$@! was up with Drew Brees?" It wasn't all Drew Brees though for Bull City. Long time stalwart Torry Holt also reappeared for a 13 point game, Chris Cooley added another solid performance with 8 points and the Bull City D, led by Terrence McGee, added 23 points. It was such a one-sided domination that even the Bull City bench with it's 45 point performance would have beaten the 44's starters on this day. Rightly so, 44's owner John Stoer handed out no gameballs and noted that "everyone stunk". Playing without RB's Shaun Alexander and Larry Johnson, the 44's offered no resistance to the Bull City onslaught. Clearly enjoying his victory, Chambers gave Stoer credit for the win. "Eli? Plaxico? Shockey? Thanks for giving us the focus to shake us out of The Slump." Those three combined a mere 6 points, though with the exchange rate, it was more like 9 points in London. Regardless, those three were outscored by Bull City's own Giant Gibril Wilson. But starting and playing a Redskin enemy is allowed when you win by 69 points. The dominating manner of the victory gave Chambers pause and as his eyes glassed over, you could almost see him fondly remembering the glory days and hoisting the Modano league trophy. He left the locker room with his arm around Captain Hiney's shoulder. Stoer was left with his head in his hands wondering where this season has gotten away from him. Confused and a little disturbed, it was much like the time he saw fellow owner Jason Moore wearing lederhosen. He noted, "Congrats to Bull City on their win. Start to finish they destroyed us. But did Shaun Alexander really need to be on their sideline whoopin it up with his old pals? I didn't like it when Kevin Millar did it during the World Series and I sure as heck don't like Alexander doing it here." Trouble seems to be brewing in Syracuse.
Brentful Brents 112 San Francisco Cubists 61 Don't look now, but the defending champion Bretts are back and better than ever. In a crucial week 8 matchup with the perennial power Cubists, the Bretts used a balanced attack to overwhelm their opponent. Now standing at 5-3, they look to be the best bet to derail the title aspirations of the Envy. Owner Steve Johnson gave the gameball to Joseph Addai, noting, "He played the role of LT this week," but really it should have gone to star QB Donovan McNabb. True, Addai scored 24 points and found the endzone three times, but McNabb's 17 points and inspirational leadership carried the day. On a day that found Cubist upstart QB (and closet Depends user) Tony Romo on the bench sipping from a juice box and skipping over the big words in 'Everybody Poops', it was McNabb who showed what class and experience look like on a football field. He hit his best pal TJ Houshmandzadeh for a score and 11 points. He helped rookie TE Greg Olsen find his playbook, warmed his belly with a warm bowl of Chunky soup, then found him in the end zone for a TD and nine solid points. He was even ready to rush out and help the defense, but on this day, the D needed no help as the law firm of Barnett, Briggs and Witherspoon tallied 28 points. When asked if he had any problems with his teams effort, the easy going Johnson said, "Everyone pulled their weight.. so who can complain?" Fifty point victories breed contentment. In fact, while out golfing with his buddies after the game and in between the amiable chatter about the good coffee in Seattle, Johnson beamed, "A very good week. Brett and the Pack win, Bears and Vikes lose. Good times!" We think he was referring to back up QB Brent Farf, but one wonders why there is even another QB on the roster when McNabb is clearly established as the best QB in football. Meanwhile, Romo and the Cubists were left to ponder what might have been. When gameball-earning David Akers and his 11 points is your lone bright spot, it's been a bad week. Owner Jason Moore, behind a closed door to his locker room, was heard screaming, "&%$*#! Tony, big boys use the toilet!!" He continued his rant by screaming, "I knew we were going to be hurting without the great Tony Romo. But 1 TD and 2 fumbles is pretty pathetic." He then mused, "I remember a pretty outstanding Wonder Woman, although the fishnet stockings probably had an unfair influence."
Red Herrings 78 County Coroners 76 Things are also looking up in the land of the Red Herrings. Winners of two in a row and 4-4 overall, they overcame same questionable coaching to defeat the ever sneaky Coroners in week 8. The gameball went to their new gun slinging QB Derek Anderson and his 26-point performance. With his two main receiving threats, Andre Johnson and Anquan Boldin on the bench, Anderson also did a marvelous job handing the ball off and watching his O-line gash the Coroner D. Led as usual by shifty Brian Westbrook, who scored twice and had an all-pro day with 18 points, the Herrings marched up and down the field at will. Lawrence Moroney chipped in 7 points and DeShaun Foster added an even 10. And it was a good thing the runners did so well since the Herring D managed only 15 points and the kicking game was.....well, this is where the coaching factor came in to play. Everybody knows the stories about Owner Charlie Mitchell's loyalty to his players so we don't need reiterate them here. Suffice it to say that loyalty and Charlie Mitchell are synonymous. So when Herring kicker Neil Rackers asked for the week off to tend to his vast marijuana plantation, Mitchell naturally gave him permission and informed Rackers that he wouldn't even bring in a replacement for him. Mitchell figured they could just go for two every time they scored and that a 'roided up Shawne Merriman could kick off. Even though the two points conversions went well and Merriman kicked the ball out of the stadium a couple of times, Rackers knew his job was safe even though he wasn't playing. Coroner coach Chad Nuss has his players so used to the "leave-the-guy-on-the-bye-in-the-lineup" trick that they didn't fall for the crazy tactic though. A close game late, the Coroners were on the verge of victory until a late tying score and, yes, a two-point conversion made the difference in the game. Rackers returned from his plantation in time for the celebration and passed out gigantic joints all around the jubilant locker room. When Mitchell asked for one, Rackers told him they were for the players only. He was promptly cut. Loyalty, obviously, has its limits.
Weaselicious Cookies 77 Peaks Island Wookies 74 While a two-point conversion made the difference in the Herring-Coroner battle, a kicker sealed the deal in the always-enjoyable Cookie-Wookie duel. Cookie kicker Jason Elam nailed a 45 yarder as time expired to send the Cookies to 5-3 and just two games back of the league-leading Envy. For the dispirited Wookies, it was their 5th straight loss after three wins to open the season. Elam was the hero, but he wouldn't have had the opportunity if it were not for the efforts of planetary MVP Tom Brady. Brady yawned his way to another 37 points, giving him a season total of 253 after 8 games, an average of over 31 points a game. Cookie owner Dan Weitz is concerned though. It seems that this "football thing" is too easy for Brady and he's rapidly becoming bored with it. Brady wouldn't deign to talk with reporters after the game, but he could be seen discussing geopolitics with U2's Bono. At one point he gave a dismissive look Bono's way and was overheard saying, "I could fix that so easy, give me a challenge!" At that point every Victoria's Secret model who has ever appeared in the catalog rushed over to him and led him out telling him how handsome he is. While Weitz may have some locker rooms problems, as long as he can find some way to get Brady back on the field next week, he has a good shot at victory. Which is more than Will Mitchell's Wookies can say. They wasted an 18-point all-pro effort from TE Antonio Gates because QB Brian Griese was so in awe of Tom Brady's presence on the other sideline that he too wanted to throw the ball to the Cookies. He was successful 4 times knocking his point total to a fat goose egg. After the game, Griese went over to Brady to get an autograph and see if he would be pleased that Griese had thrown the game, but Brady looked at him and said, "Who are you?" Griese's confidence heading into week 9 is at an all-time low. Normally owner Will Mitchell would be there to pick him up and tell him that everything would be OK, but Mitchell was nowhere to be found after the game. One unconfirmed report had him surrounded by empty Sam Adams bottles muttering "Papelbon", but now it seems like that could be just about anyone in the New England area this week. Everyone that is but Tom Brady who said, "Baseball? Please. I'd have like a .000 ERA and 50 wins every year if I wanted to."
Week Nine previews - The midway point of the season brings the one week where you get one shot and one shot only at your opposition. The first half of the season has belonged to Perry Missner and his Envy. At 7-1, they are the class of the league as they prepare to face the crafty Coroners. "Our only crack at the Coroners. We'll be without the leader of our defense and Benson gets a well deserved rest (it's hard trying to shed seven tacklers behind the line of scrimmage). It will be up to us and the Texans (gulp!) to win again. Farf blows." The Coroners will look to rebound from their tough two point loss without ManBeast Brandon Jacobs but do welcome back Touchdown Tony G. Attempting to catch the Envy, the 5-3 Bretts face off against the 4-4 Herrings, both coming off of victories. Bretts owner Johnson said, "The Hump week and then the second half looms. Hopefully Cleveland reverts back to its worst-team-ever mentality." Gun-slinging Herring QB Derek Anderson hopes not. It's widely suspected that Rob Bironas will take over the kicking duties for Neil Rackers, but perhaps the Mitchell games will continue. The other 5-3 team, the Cookies, winners of 4 straight, face a despondent 44's club. The Cookies have an enormous number of players on the bye, but if Tom Brady decides to play, then victory will undoubtedly will be ensured. The 44's welcome back Larry Johnson but will be without Eli, Plax and Shockey who have decided to do some clubbing in London this week. A pair of 4-4 clubs, the Ballbusters and Cubists do battle in a key game if either team harbors championship hopes this year. Owner Moore is looking forward to the challenge. "Peyton Manning, Travis Henry, and our old friend TO... this is going to be interesting." The bye week doesn't particularly affect either club but Moore will unwisely be returning Tony Romo to the lineup. Finally, the 3-5 Wookies, losers of 5 straight, face the resurgent 2-6 Bull City. Riding a one game win streak, owner Randy Chambers seems to have his spirits back. "Now that we've dumped the slump, it's time to make Will a chump.. though we always respect the wookie." Torry Holt gets the week off, and there is a question of just who will start on the D, but the Bull City seems to be back. For the Wookies, Brian Griese gets a week to sit in a dark corner and cry while Jon Kitna returns to the helm.
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