Weaselicious Cookies 107 The Ballbusters 101 For scientologists, there comes a time when all of the bad memories are erased and the person becomes fully actualized. According to Dianetics, this fully actualized person can see better, run faster, and pee straighter (read the book, it�s in there!). For the couple of Owner Dan Weitz and his QB Tom Brady (7/216), it has been a long road to hoe in order to reach full actualization, but in Week Seven, they reached their peak. Brady would know the play even before Weitz called it in and the wondrous thing about it was that he would always completely agree with the call. This in-tuneness led to a record day for Brady as he shattered the five TD plateau and set a new standard for the Modano league with 47 points. Even opposing Owner Rich Joseph could only clap in appreciation of Brady and even sent his gameball across the aisle. Even with the Brady-Weitz relationship reaching new highs, the Cookies had to pull out a win because of Weitz�s tunnel vision. He refused to play a kicker with John Kasay on the bye � a disappointing trend set three weeks ago by Owner Jason Moore and followed by Owner Randy Chambers in Week Six. Only The Bull City lost because of it. Even before the game, Weitz had to know that Reuben Droughns (2/2) and Maurice Morris (2/3), the heir apparent to Mac Strong, would not be of much help. The one plus for the Busters in Brady�s record day was that he kept Wes Welker (4/50) in the loop and the Pats receiver had his second big week in a row. Speaking of the Pats, Joseph believes they can go undefeated. Welker was not the only Busters to bust out in Week Seven. Lendale White (2/12) came from the scrap heap to score 13, Jared Allen (5/35) made a lot of tackles, and Terrell Owens (7/63) demanded a little attention with 12 points. It all came down to Monday night with the Cookies holding an eight point lead, Maurice Jones-Drew (6/62) on the docket against Peyton Manning (6/119). Joseph�s advice to Manning before the game was to �sleep, sleep, sleep,� but Manning was too keyed up from chicken dancing the Sunday night away to be properly rested. He played well with 17 points (his fifth all-pro game), but the Busters could not stop Jones-Drew, whose 15 points represented the only RB all-pro for the week. A frustrated Joseph shouted, �Manning.....pussy!� Meow. The loss was the Busters� first 100+ point loss since 2004, but they are still allowing the least points in the league at 79.29 ppg. The Cookies have now won three straight and Brady is averaging 30.86 ppg. Compared to last year�s MVP, LaDainian Tomlinson (ended up with 16/333 last year), Brady is on pace to demolish his season. If anything ever happens to Brady (like a bye), the Cookies may be in trouble because they are only getting 13.14 ppg from their O-flex, but Weitz has vowed to cancel all byes, much like Joseph would like to cancel �secretary�s day.�
P-Miss Envy 93 Brentful Brents 76 Many things can be said about the player Owner Steve Johnson�s team is named for: He�ll shill for anything (Prilosec OTC?), he endlessly waffle about his retirement so more attention is paid to him, and he�ll undermine even the best of starting QB�s (see Rodgers, Aaron�). For Johnson in 2007, Brent Farf is causing nothing but trouble and that can be seen from the underwhelming play QB Donovan McNabb (6/78). Johnson had placed immense faith in McNabb heading into the Week Seven mega-battle with arch rival Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy. Johnson had a pass wacky lineup installed to give McNabb the tools to succeed, but Farf kept whispering plays he considered better � the direct toss to Sean Taylor, the impossible angle into triple coverage, and the shovel pass. McNabb seemed confused about who to listen to. He did score 14 points and hit three of his receivers for TD�s � T.J. Houshmandzadeh (6/78), Ronald Curry (3/23), and Derrick Mason (4/26), but the team seemed pinned like someone had told them �You can't limit my Pirate talk to just one day a year Mr!� Argh. The only bad sign for the receiver was Patrick Crayton (2/8) who caused Johnson to exclaim: �I received scores from all of my WRs, except Crayton. Negative points vs MN? Now you aren't even trying.� At that, Crayton began to cry. The well-grounded Envy jumped out to a nice lead behind Marshawn Lynch (6/52) and Willis McGahee (7/68), who each scored TD�s. Missner was �still waiting for Cedric Benson (6/24) to wake up. He will and when he does � look out!� We�re still waiting. Speaking of waiting, that�s not something Missner likes to do when on a long car ride. He said the three essentials were �Book on tape, water, and an empty bottle (to minimize stopping).� Johnson thought that was nonsense and said his three essentials were �Good music, plenty of cash, and a baby sitter so you don't have to bring your child on a long car ride.� The score was tied heading into Sunday night, but the game�s axis tilted toward the Envy behind �my rent-a-TE Heath Miller (3/27), who knew he was only staying for a week, but put the game in control with his Sunday night excellence. Way to catch it, Heath.� Miller was playing for his third team and has already made his way to the waiver wire. The Brents had one last chance on Monday with Joseph Addai (6/63), but Johnson was unhappy to see �two rushing scores from the Colts. Manning and Keith. Great.� Addai did not overcome the deficit or outscore Reggie Wayne (6/51), sending Missner to express �Thanks to the football gods we did not have to face a fully complemented Brent team, but I had to do without Kellen Winslow Jr � so I think that evens things out. It was a big win and a two game lead is nice.� He added, �I clearly have a problem with Crime Prevention week (I am currently not observing it and I am going crazy), but I am religiously opposed to Boss�s Day as well. Why not rename it Suck Up Day?�
San Francisco Cubists 113 Peaks Island Wookies 93 What has happened to the once proud Wookies? After starting the season with three straight wins and using the best the Lions could offer, Owner Will Mitchell�s team has now lost four straight and the good people of Peaks Island are not happy. Some of them even wish that Mitchell would turn black again. That�s not going to happen, but it�s clear that the Wookies need more balance on offense in order to succeed. In Week Seven, they were facing a revved up Cubist team that smelled blood and a chance to be the first team in Modano history to get to 100 wins. The Cubist offense was neither too high nor too low, but it was just right for Owner Jason Moore. Tony Romo (7/141) nailed Dallas Clark (4/45) for a TD and Reggie Bush (6/41) spun his way into the endzone as well. The show was stolen by DeMarco Ryans (7/81) who some criticized Moore for taking too early. Who�s criticizing now? Ryans scored a season record 28 points for the D-flex and passed Brent LB Julian Peterson for the title of year�s best defensive player so far. Ryans scored a TD and his 28 points tied the second most ever by a defensive player (the record of 30 points is held by Jason Taylor (2005) and Ronde Barber (2006)). Moore gave Ryans the gameball �without a doubt.� Ryans� D-flex mates chipped in 15 more points for another season record of 43 and the Cubists now have the best defense in the league. Even the best defense in the league could not stop the enviable Brian Griese (2/37) to Randy Moss (7/106) connection. Since being signed by the Wookies, Griese has been a revelation and he has done wonders for not only Moss but the entire New England region. Even the Christ-like Griese was not able to propel the Wookies to a win because their running attack has just been terrible. Without Rudi Johnson, Mitchell has had to rely on Brian Leonard (2/4) and Kevin Jones (2/17), who actually did have 13 points. The Cubist win (which pushed their Week Seven record to 8-2) could have entered blowout proportions had Moore played Kenny Watson who had 27 points from the bench, but Moore is much too nice for that. Mitchell has some work to do on his D-flex which is the worst in the league (19.29 ppg), despite the above average performance of 23 points. Week Seven has long been a weak point for Peaks Island and Mitchell�s team fell to 1-8. The fourth straight loss represented the team�s longest losing streak since 2003 when they dropped five straight. Mitchell hopes to perfect his cloning machine so that he can field an entire team of Grieses, but he is having some patent issues on his flex capacitor. Moore promised his team �Lots and lots of MP3s, cheese crackers with peanut butter, Dr. Pepper.� He then pointed and said, �Here's what it says on the chalkboard at Georges Bracques Stadium: "Balanced Offense + Unrelenting Defense = Wins". Any time we can get 6 people in double figures we are doing something right.�
County Coroners 96 Syracuse 44�s 79 Say what you want about Owner Chad Nuss, just do not disrespect the Oakland Raiders. Nuss felt that Owner John Stoer was sending a slap to his face by benching Lamont Jordan for the other running backs on the 44�s roster. When asked who he would have benched, Nuss misheard the question and answered, �weed, chew, and beer.� It�s hard to pick one of the 44 back to sit down because they once had a wealth of healthy starters. As Stoer noted, �It's hard to be too bitter when you lose thanks to 22 points from a defender from your favorite NFL team, but I find it odd that while facing the Coroners this week I lost Ronnie Brown to a season-ending injury just weeks after losing Cadillac Williams to the same injury. Coincidence or evil Coroner-inspired voodoo?? Either way.....[Whoah]!!!!!!!!!!� Even Charles Barkley and Korteney Barber hate Stoer, who said, �In keeping with my mood this week, I'll have you know that apparently this October is, among many other things, Antidepressant Death Awareness Month. Someone keep an eye on me.� While Eli Manning (3/33) was not eying Stoer, he kept an open ear for his play calls and managed to hit Jeremy Shockey (6/27) for a TD � two for one! Unfortunately, Manning ignored Plaxico Burress (6/70) who settled for the same point total as Sean Taylor (2/18) � two. Larry Johnson (5/34) and Adrian Peterson (6/91) of the Vikings each scored TD�s, but neither hit all-pro numbers. Ever the eminent sage, Stoer said, �Let's give LJ a ball before he blows out his ACL.� Nuss, meanwhile, gave the game ball to Jeff Garcia (2/32) and London Fletcher (6/57) �for being consistent� even though both scored well above their averages. Fletcher�s 22 point explosion would have been quite notable had DeMarco Ryans not scored 28. Nuss also noted that �I hate myself for picking Thomas Jones (6/29).� It is true that he could have picked Tom Brady rather than Jones, which caused Nuss almost as much ill feeling as �Valentine�s Day, which is a bunch of bull. You can love your wife any day of the year, but a friggin� Holiday? Come on!!!� Nuss has apparently never heard of the even more lame Sweetest Day (trademark by hallmark) and he even refuses to honor his wife�s birthday because �she ain�t Al Davis.� Nuss was happy with Brandon Jacobs (4/20) who is just one of the New York RB monopoly on the Coroner crew. As for Stoer, he blamed the loss squarely on �the non-tackling machine and now gone Jonathan Vilma (3/25)� and wondered how the Jet LB once won the Sweeney Trophy. In order to get rid of the ugly scent of losing, Stoer promised to find �Good tunes, good weather, and no british chicks.�
Red Herrings 83 The Bull City 78 Around Bull City, or The Bull City if you prefer, there is a lot of talk of curses. There is plenty of cursing too, but the Curse of 100 is the headline in the Bull City reader almost every day. Owner Randy Chambers has no answers for how his team has gone from perennial championship contender to league laughingstock in just an offseason. Through the first six weeks of the season, he could blame his QB platoon of Drew Brees (5/18) and Philip Rivers, but Brees pulled an all-pro game out of his 2006 arsenal, so blame had to be pointed elsewhere. Chambers said, �? Brees. Finally, we get into black numbers at QB. Huzzah!� He compared Brees� play to a long trip with �Water. Tired children who will nap for most of the ride. A good football or baseball game on the radio.� Chambers could also not blame RB/resident goofball Clinton Portis (5/40) who scored a pair of TD�s. The rest of the team? They were to blame. Chambers was especially hurt by local favorite Chris Cooley (6/36) for not scoring. He said, �Don't let last week's game ball go to your head, moron. All you needed was the customary six, and we win. Argh.� While pointing the finger at himself, Chambers neglected to notice his opponent, the Red Herrings. Oh, those Red Herrings, if you miss them, you miss the whole point. Owner Charlie Mitchell had seen his team go from two dominant weeks to a three-game losing streak. He fired up the old Matt Hasselbeck (5/66) to Lavernues Coles (5/45) connection and the two combined for a pair of all-pro performances and 35 points. Coles was the fourth different Herring receiver to have an all-pro day. The expected downturn in production by Devin Hester (2/26) materialized and surprise play David Martin (1/1) did not surprise, but Mitchell was satisfied overall. Neil Rackers (7/49) had a rare off day with zero points and a missed PAT. Herring RB Laurence Maroney (6/17) got back on the field and scored just two points (or 45 less than Tom Brady who he was picked ahead of.) Heading into Monday night, the Bull City had a chance to pull out a win. While imploring the league office to count Clinton Portis� tackle on Sunday, Chambers rooted on Adam Vinatieri (7/57) to overcome a 15-point deficit. The rooting was in vane as the kicker, who Mitchell considers a traitor, actually helped the Herring cause by finishing with nine points. The win snapped a three game losing streak from the Herrings, while The Bull City descended into even murkier waters. The team has now lost five in a row and each week could have resulted in the franchise�s 100th win, a fact that Fox has beaten more to death than Joel Skinner�s decision to hold Kenny Lofton on third base. I just happened to watch that inning and as soon as it happened, I could tell they were going to beat it like a drum. Ah, baseball on Fox. Chambers has vowed to make big changes to get the team back in the winning column and said that his fervent hope was that �in a dramatic Sunday night showdown on Nov 4, Peyton and Brady will both be diagnosed with herpes at halftime, and their understudies will fail to score, leaving an ugly 17-17 tie. Fortunately, penicillin and some media sunshine will cure their ails by Tuesday, and each team will finish 15-0-1.� He also noted that Columbus day is dumb: �The guy's only "achievement" was believing the world was round, even though he failed to prove it. Otherwise, all he brought was European pestilence and violence to a pristine world. Why is it a Federal holiday?!� The workaholic Chambers summed things up by saying, �The Bull City -- a team that strives to be number one ... counting from the bottom!�
Week Eight previews - Looking over the Bull City�s lineup, there are some changes, but they may not be considered that big. Jerricho Cotchery, Hines Ward, and Keith Bulluck are all back in for Week Eight to face the Syracuse 44�s. Owner Randy Chambers� team has owner this series, holding a 12-4 advantage and winning both meetings in 2005 and 2006. Owner John Stoer said, �If only there were bye weeks for fantasy teams [and Bull City is getting close], we could sure use one. But since no, we regroup to face the once-proud boys from Bull City. As much as we'd like to use our injuries and byes as an excuse, we will not, and so happily I will trot out a double shot of AP to take down the once-mighty boys from Bull City.� Ever the trickster, Stoer is dipping into the Will Mitchell playbook by playing two players with the same name, but in this case they also play the same position. Maybe the Bull City will go after Bear RB Adrian Peterson, leaving Viking RB Adrian Peterson to run into the endzone by himself. Stoer is also listening to Chad Nuss and placing Lamont Jordan in the lineup along with Chris Chambers and E.J. Henderson. New blood. The league�s top team, the P-Miss Envy has done a 180 from last year. At this time in 2006, the Envy were 1-6 and now they are 6-1. You see, Randy, there is hope. This week, the Envy face another mountainous challenge against Owner Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters. Missner said, �Peyton Manning, I still have not forgotten the Super Bowl. It is time for some revenge. No more chicken dancing!� The Busters lead the series 4-2 and have won the last three meetings. The Envy have Braylon Edwards and Lee Evans in the lineup in the hopes of jumpstarting Carson Palmer. The Busters have yet to name any starters, but will need to replace Terrell Owens, Jared Allen, and Lofa Tatupu. A pair of 4-3 teams meet when the Cubists and Brents renew acquaintances. Although most of the league has felt awed by Owner Steve Johnson�s recent success, Owner Jason Moore�s team holds a 10-5 series edge, despite a 2006 Brents sweep. Johnson hopes his three-headed monster is alive again as he returns LaDainian Tomlinson and Steven Jackson to the lineup. He said, �No way NE plays everyone at the end of the year, and their 3rd string will lose.� True enough. Moore has named Jay Cutler as his replacement QB and returns Santonio Holmes to the lineup for name purposes only. A replacement for Michael Boley is sought. The league�s second hottest team is the Cookies and they face the coldest team, the Wookies. Owner Dan Weitz has Tom Brady thinking �La-la-la-la� and has brought Reggie Brown, Jason Elam, and Mike Peterson in to bolster the scoring. Owner Will Mitchell, whose team owns a 8-7 series edge and a 2006 sweep, has not made any changes to his lineup, but Brian Griese hopes to outscore Brady. The fifth game is what Owner Chad Nuss yelled, �BATTLE FOR .500!� The Coroners take on the Red Herrings and each team is coming off a nice win. Nuss has benched Thomas Jones and replaced him with a guy from across the city, Derrick Ward. Owner Charlie Mitchell has not made any lineup changes yet, but must replace his Cardinals � Anquan Boldin and Neil Rackers.
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