Weaselicious Cookies 133 The Bull City 56 As Owner Dan Weitz knows as well as anyone, progress in any sort of therapy has its peaks and valleys (or what the British call troughs). His anger management program followed a similar chart, but Weitz eventually became the calm, thoughtful guy he is now. Yet, the Patriots and his QB Tom Brady (6/169) seemed to bring out the old Dan. The one who would yell at you if you brought him generic raisin bran rather than Post. (Trust me, it is not a happy scene when you screw up Weitz� food order and he is damn picky). Reporters (including ESPN�s Pedro Gomez) were thronged around Dr. Van Nostrand�s office awaiting the usual departure of Weitz and Brady ten minutes apart, but this time they saw Brady and Weitz arm in arm, smiling beatifically. Brady has been in MVP form for most of the season, but his conflicts with Weitz had to take their toll. Unfettered with emotional baggage, Brady finally broke the four TD barrier that had plagued him throughout his career and did what Weitz had asked of him since the beginning of the season: five TD�s. The fact that he did so against Weitz�s beloved Cowboys caused his owner to punch himself in the sac, but he did so smilingly. In addition to his record setting five TD�s and 39 points, Brady seemed to buoy the spirits of the other Cookies and cause the opponent, The Bull City, to stare slack jawed into open space. Brady seemed especially effective at setting up screen passes and Maurice Jones-Drew (5/47) continued his wake up process with 26 points and DeAngelo Williams (2/16) had a good 14-point afternoon. To no one�s surprise, Maurice Morris (1/0) did not score and should probably � no, strike that, should definitely be cut. Despite Brady�s aeonautics, BC Owner Randy Chambers was not impressed and would prefer Peyton Manning: �I'd say Peyton, mostly because he's got such a cool first name. Though Peyton loses points for the chicken dance and indiscriminate product endorsements, Brady's shilling for Bush at the state of the union a few years back penalizes him, in spite of the two extra rings.� Brady, Bush, Curt Schilling? Who needs them, although they were all still better than any �Talking head on Fox News. Ever seen this lard-bucket Caputo or the Fox and "Friends" morning show? Get a life. You know nada, were nada and should be nada.� Nada? Yes, nada. Speaking of conventional wisdom that should be debunked, Chambers shouted, �Patriotism. Why does it matter to be loyal to your country of birth? We are all humble citizens of the world, doing our part to make humanity better for all, not just our fellow Americans. After that, I'd like to debunk the myth that all of us have cable, and therefore, it's OK to have the playoffs on TBS. TBS? TBS? How about CBS?!� Football playoffs are on TBS? Oh, baseball � well, no one watches that anyway. Much like ESPN the magazine which is �Too interested in being hip, at the expense of being informative. That said, I only ever read it at Great Clips, when I get my bimonthly do done. I read sports copy to be informed, not amused, with the exception of Tony Kornheiser's writing in the late 80s and early 90s, which was brilliant in its ability to create any number of hearty chuckles. That said, he was intentionally amusing, rather than trying to be cutesy hip, like ESPN, the Magazine.� Perhaps the less said about the BC team performance (including the worst loss and the first four game losing streak in franchise history), the better. So, let�s send it back to Chambers who thinks the late Craig �Ironhead� Heyward should be the next Iron Chef and considered the following player probably on the cutting block: �Probably? Probably? Brees and Rivers are acting like a couple of drunken sailors wandering through the gaslamp (or is it gaslight, either way, they're both making me gassy) district in San Diego. Neither can decide who's more inebriated, so they take turns drinking themselves into oblivion. They need to finish it off with a bare knuckle brawl which puts one of them in the hospital, so the other one can put up 20 points every week, not just every third week.� Asked if there was anything good about Week Six, Chambers was succinct, for once: �Coooooley (5/36).� He then added, �It's time to take the Bull in for some serious retooling. We can never get more than one cylinder firing in a given week, and never know which cylinder it will be. Look for something to change. Don't know what, but something stinks around here.�
P-Miss Envy 96 Red Herrings 69 Whatever training regimen that Owner Perry Missner put himself on during the off season seems to be working. For just the second time in franchise history, Missner has his Envy at 5-1 (they were 6-1 in 1999 before falling off to a 10-7 finish) and he is causing opponents to mishandle their lineups in fear. For example, in Week Six Owner Charlie Mitchell decided that QB Kurt Warner (1/-3) might remember that self same 1999 season with the Envy and put on the Greatest Show in Arizona. Sadly, Warner tripped on the way out to the huddle, tore some ligaments, and had to be put down. Meanwhile, clipboard holder extraordinaire Matt Hasselbeck had 21 meaningless points from the bench. While Warner was in, he seemed to have a disconnect with his receivers. Santana Moss (4/8) lost his team another three points and Lavernues Coles (4/25) and Ben Watson (6/42) had to settle for bullets. This was in stark contrast to the return of Carson Palmer (5/92) from the bye and his two receivers of choice � Braylon Edwards (1/22) and Mushin Muhammed (1/8). Missner noted, �With all due respect to Braylon Edwards, who was fantastic, I knew I had the game in hand when my flyer Mushin Muhammed scored a late TD. Moosh!� Then everyone said, �Moosh!� Missner also defied conventional wisdom (much like this �I really don�t think breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It can be skipped without much lost, but lunch is essential, by all means.�) by playing a defensive player named D�qwell (Jackson (1/10). The Envy also received TD�s from Edgerrin James (6/58) and Willis McGahee (6/58), which means they would have gone triflexa, if there were still such a thing. The only thing more disappointing than ESPN the Magazine (says Missner, �Because ESPN screwed up the first two weeks of baseball, I am apparently subscribed to the Mag. It�s worthless. I do read it before I throw it out, but 150 pages takes me about ten minutes. Too many fuzzy articles and not enough analysis � sort of like SportsCenter, except without the yelling.�) was the continual point of frustration for the team: �You knew this was coming. Suisham (2/8), can I see you in my office for a moment? The 2007 Envy legacy may be kickers used at the same rate as Spinal Tap drummers.� Missner is thinking of recruiting that plastic toy that kids used to use as a kicker. That may be a bigger mistake than �seeing what Ronald McDonald could do with some foie gras and carpaccio.� The Envy have now surpassed their 2006 win total and Missner commented, �Big ups to Charlie for playing Devin Hester (1/24) and getting the best out of him. Word to the wise to my opponent: trade him quick or cut him � he won�t be able to do that again. It�s a shame Hester is too dumb to learn how to run routes, but he is an amazing returner. Good to see all of the TD�s, now I�d like Benson to make good on his being �the best red zone back� one scout ever saw.�
Syracuse 44�s 138 San Francisco Cubists 72The Ballbusters 110 Peaks Island Wookies 74 For Owner Jason Moore in Week Six, the bad probably outweighed the good, but there was still some good to be seen. First off, Moore settled his suit against AOL for stealing their tagline �AOL kicks rear� for his personal website. AOL promised to share the tagline and allow Moore access to his beloved Cubists. On where the lawsuit came from, Moore questioned the conventional wisdom of �"Liquor before beer, never fear." When you drink enough, you should always fear.� He was able to watch his beloved Tony Romo (6/129) have his fifth all-pro game. And, rumor had it that his minor league team played very well. Well, this here�s the majors, Jamo, and you just done got yer ass kicked real good like. Moore said, �Most of the offense [should get cut]. Joey Galloway gets special mention for continuing to put up big numbers when he is on the bench and nothing when he plays.� The Syracuse 44�s (the league�s highest scoring team) came in to the game on an uneven keel, but put such a horrible thrashing on the Cubists that the game was over by Sunday afternoon. The 44�s were led by Adrian Peterson (5/82) or as Owner John Stoer calls him �AP.� Peterson made Soldier�s Field his own private Idaho by ripping off three long TD runs and making the Bears defenders look like pansies. Peterson ran for what was a short held record of 37 points and led the varied assault on the Cubists. Larry Johnson (4/20) had his best game in a 44 outfit with 11 points and Ronnie Brown (3/43) continued to look like a playa. Things started to get comical when the 44�s received all-pro performances from their kicker � Matt Stover (6/62) � and their newly signed defensive madman � Sean Taylor (1/16), who became Brent Farf�s favorite receiver for the day. At one point, Stoer had the chance to turn his closed circuit TV to the Iron Chef Challenge where �Morou is from DC, but I like Besh.� That Besh knows his way around a carpaccio. Moore was rooting for �The guy who makes the burritos at Tacqueria Cancun in the Mission. His avocado-scooping skills are beyond reproach.� Stoer was less enthralled with Shaun Alexander (6/37), �who may be packing his bags soon� because he�s too busy with way too much stuff:� his recording career, his brand of dog biscuits, his athletic underpants, and his hair gel promotions. Just settle down, Shaun, and play some football! Stoer then tried to debunk two bits of conventional wisdom: first, �I'd like to own the O's and debunk the wisdom that only the Red Sox and Yanks can win the AL East,� and second, that enough is enough. Eli Manning (2/20), Plaxico Burress (5/68), and Jeremy Shockey (5/19) piled on to lead the 44�s to a season standard of 138 points and the greatest blowout loss in Cubist history (eclipsing the 57-point thrashing in 2005 at the paws of the Wookies). Stoer summed things up by saying, �I'd prefer not to blow my offensive load all at one time [because it is a pain to clean up], but if it was going to be done, then there is probably no one I'd rather do it against than the Cubists. My "U" D was superb, Stover continues to shine, and I hope AP, Brown and LJ can stay healthy and continue to produce.� Moore noted, �Adrian Peterson is outstanding. If he stays healthy and LJ maintains momentum, that team will be there at the end.�
Bull City Baers (sp?) 120 P-Miss Envy 78 Few league observers have forgotten last year�s Chowdah Bowl I when Owner Will Mitchell had a Gatorade bottle of steaming hot clam chowdah dumped on him, causing him to turn various colors. And for those of you who have forgotten, this here is a reminder. Hilarity ensued and everyone was happy, everyone that is, except Owner Rich Joesph. All of his life, he has dreamed of bathing in steaming hot clam chowdah � damn the burns � and whenever he sees a vat of his favorite soup, there is always someone to hold him back. Family members, close personal friends, and various medical officers and accountants have advised Joseph that diving in chowdah is simply not a smart thing to do. Well, Joseph replies with a simple sentence: �Keep your mouth shut unless you have something good to say!� Should the Busters win, Joseph planned his first ever Chowdah bath, even if it turned him black or green. To do so, he was counting on the famed TD combo of Derek Anderson (1/32) and Wes Welker (3/28). Defying all odds, conventional wisdom, and even Jesus himself the famed duo combined for six TD�s and 55 points. Game, set, match � nearly. The only thing that Joseph had going against him was Owner Will Mitchell�s ace up his sleeve: Brian Griese (1/21). Sure, laugh all you want at anyone playing Brian Griese, but Mitchell had a plan and he almost pulled it off. Griese and Steve Smith (6/68) turned out to be the near antidote to Anderson-Welker and Randy Moss (6/86) caught another perfectly placed Griese sprial, but it just wan�t enough. Moss was offset by his brother in arms Terrell Owens (6/51) and Deshawn Wynn (1/8) scored a fluke TD to take the pressure off Ahole �Put it on the� Green (4/12) who did bumpkis. Speaking of bumpkis, Mitchell had the misfortune of playing Greg Jennings (1/1) causing himself to wonder �Why did I think a Packer could help?� Making the Jennings play even worse was the fact that Donte Stallworth had 15 points from the bench. Jennings was consistenly matched up against Jared Allen (4/21) and still could not get open. Allen, by the way, is the George Forman of Iron Chefs. The Wookies are in a deep funk having lost three in a row and falling to 6-3 in Week Sixes, while the Busters upped their Week Six record to 4-1 and are allowing the fewest points in the league (74.7 ppg). A content Joseph was able to sit back and spend his ten minutes reading ESPN the Magazine (�Good magazine, I get it.�) and said, �Well needed victory.� Family members, close personal friends, and various medical officers and accountants were able to get a restraining order on the Chowdah, saving Joseph a long week in the burn ward.
Brentful Brents 110 County Coroners 79 As lockerrooms go, that of the Brentful Brents is one of the looser atmospheres in the leagues. The players have a previously unknown to the media tradition of calling each other simply Brent. Therefore, behind closed doors it is not uncommon to hear things like �the Brent Tomlinson can really shake a leg� and �Brent Peterson had bad chicken last night.� With Owner Steve Johnson unable to meet the team due to a 112�F fever (and, yes, I know that would cause severe brain damage � your point?), the lockeroom went from loose to bordering on unruly. What�s that old saying: �When the Johnson�s away�� I forget the rest. Sadly, the lawlessness of the cost the team their tightend and Todd Heap (6/18) fell prey to a prank involving shaving cream and a bucket of razorblades and could not play. It did not matter. In the match up that Johnson once dubbed the �Gimme Game,� the County Coroners were no match for the Brents, as they never seem to be. LaDainian Tomlinson (6/92) acted like he was playing against the Raiders in scoring four TD�s and 38 points. A noticeably weakened Johnson croaked, �Thats the LT we know and love.� Tomlinson�s 38 points were the most from a running back in the league since 2003 when then-Brent Clinton Portis rumbled for 46 points. The Coroners attempts to stop Tomlinson were futile, but they did try, opening up passing routes for T.J. Houshmandzadeh (5/70). Donovan McNabb (5/64) and little Jason Wright (1/8) also scored TD�s in the week�s fifth blowout. Owner Chad Nuss can take pride in one thing: his team had the superior tight end in Week Six. Tony Gonzalez (6/43) had a huge game with 18 points. The Coroner kicking game was also in vintage form with Stephen Gostkowski (2/22) leaving the set of Riptide to knock in 12 points. Thomas Howard (3/34) paced the defense with 14 but that was the end of the Coroner highlights. The bye week did not seem to serve Daunte Culpepper (2/37) as his performance dropped off notably. Time to think has never been a plus for D-Cupp. With Culpepper unable to find his receivers, Jerry Porter (3/17) and Vincent Jackson (5/27) scored minimally. The win was the Brents fourth straight this season and ninth straight over the Coroners � numbers that caused Johnson to vomit violently. The series history is now weighted 113-2 toward the Brents. An angry Nuss said he had no comment when asked about his team�s 2-4 record and whether he should feel responsible for their lack of performance. Media cronie immediately branded an uncooperative lout and have banded together to give him a poorer portayal in the media than Rex Grossman.
Week Seven previews - Many media outlets buried the Brents for dead after an 0-2 start. Owner Steve Johnson is making those pundits eat crow. The team has four straight wins and looks like an unstoppable juggernaut. However, in Week Seven they face the top ranked team in the league, the P-Miss Envy. An unscared and unrepentant Owner Perry Missner said, �Oh man, this is a big one and we are completely ready for it. While I will miss our many Browns, it will be good to have Marshawn back. I�ll bet Johnson is too chicken to be Brentful for this important week.� Whether Johnson is afeared or not is up to debate, but he will not be playing Brent Farf who is on the bye. In fact, the Brents � who hold a 9-5 series edge and have won the last three meetings � are going pass wacky with four wideouts and Joseph Addai. Greg Olson is the Brents tightend this weekend. Olson is countered by Heath Miller for the Envy. Ernie Sims returns from a week spent wandering garbage dumps and the new kicker is Lawrence Tynes, who has promised to light himself on fire if he does not do well. The only other team with a record better than .500 is the Bullbusters who face the Cookies this weekend. The game features the best match up of QB�s that the league can offer � Busters QB Peyton Manning, returning from the bye, against Cookie Tom Brady. Owner Dan Weitz is trying to increase the degree of difficulty for Brady by surrounding him by such lackards as Maurice Morris (again) and Shane McDonald. Owner Rich Joseph, whose team holds a 4-3 series edge despite being swept in 2006, is giving Lendale White his first start in a Buster uniform. Joseph said, �I pity the fool.� The 44�s have beaten the Coroners more often than any other team. They hold a 12-5 series lead and Owner John Stoer said, �Run the ball, play good D, and a solid kicking game. We were good in all three phases in week six, but we might need to be even better in week seven against the dangerously sneaky Coroners.� Stoer had four RB�s in the lineup and a defense stocked with fugitive Hurricanes. Owner Chad Nuss is giving Bobby Engram his first start. He�s still in the league? A pair of 3-3 teams, the Wookies and Cubists, hope to break over the even line. The Wookies who have lost three in a row have split the series the last two years but are down 6-9 in the history. Owner Jason Moore noted, �With the Lions in the lineup the Wookies are tough. Hopefully Marvin can come back and give us a little spark.� Spurred by his one week performance, Owner Will Mitchell looks to Brian Griese to spark his own offense. Perhaps not the wisest of decisions, but his mind may be elsewhere this weekend. Moore, a glutton for punishment in his own way, is starting Joey Galloway again. Finally, two teams struggling for survival are pitted against one another as the Herrings and Bull City meet. Owner Randy Chambers pleaded, �Stop the agony, please. This is beyond humbling. It's humiliating.� A four game losing streak will cause anyone to beg to a higher power. Will Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger be listening? Chambers has brought back QB Drew Brees in his own peculiar version of Russian roulette. Frank Gore also returns from the bye. Owner Charlie Mitchell, who has left the ACLU according to his out message, hopes somebody is healthy. Those somebodies include Anquan Boldin, Laurence Marony and the recently signed and soon to be cut Michael Bennett.
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