Brentful Brents 61 Peaks Island Wookies 61 Owners Steve Johnson and Will Mitchell are two guys without a lot in common. Yes, they both love fantasy football and know league media conduit and everybody�s best buddy Perry Missner, but that�s about it. Yet, when they meet in Modano hand-to-hand combat, it is usually a tense affair. In 2007, the stakes were amped up a bit because the Wookies were heading into the week with a share of first place and the Brents had shaken off a slow start to even their record at 2-2. There was a feeling out process at the beginning of the game as both coaches went conservative (although not as conservative as Mike McCarthy, son of Das Ubercoachen). The vaunted Lion offense let Mitchell down as Jon Kitna (5/64) reminded everyone that he was not Joe Montana or old Johnny U, no he is Jon Kitna and the Lord is behind him. Except in Week Five. Kitna took three points away from his team as he was brutalized and gang probed by Redskin defenders. With Kitna not doing much, Roy Williams (5/41) was taken out of the Wookie offense (even though Mitchell craftily still had Roy Williams left to play on defense. Crafty!) Even Randy Moss (5/77) could not get his swerve on and his all-pro streak ended at four. Steve Smith (5/52) found the endzone and Antonio Gates (5/49) continued to prove that he was the best tightend in the league. With Donovan McNabb on the bye, Johnson made the usually fatal error of going back to his buddy, the inbred moron himself, Brent Farf (3/34). After causing the 44 offense to collapse, Farf was cut loose and found himself begging Johnson for work. Ever the soft touch, Johnson could not say no and put Farf in against what he considered a soft defense. The unfortunate thing was the Farf once again had trouble figuring out who was on his team (he�s never been considered a genius, really) and besmirched his ten-point outing with a terrible interception. Farf�s lack of leadership and me-first-ism caused the entire Brent team to lose focus. Johnson did say this about Farf: �Ahhh.. he really throws that ball hard! And.. he sure looks like he's having fun out there.� Joesph Addai (5/57) and Todd Heap (5/18) refused to play and the Brents were left with a large lead from which to chip away on Monday. Johnson was considering sending them to the �Montreal Man Haters.� Johnson had Nick Folk (2/19) and Patrick Crayton (1/10) left against the other Roy Williams (1/7). The Monday night contest kept both Johnson and Mitchell at the edge of their seats. Crayton caught a late TD and Folk kept kicking away. As time was running out, Folk attempted a fifty yard field goal that would not only put the Brents in a tie but cause them to get the win do to the second tie breaker. Mitchell waited for the Brents to snap the ball, then called timeout. Folk made the first kick, waited, and calmly deposited the second kick between the uprights. Since both teams had a TD-turnover sum of zero, the fifty yarder was the winner. Johnson shouted, �Nick Folk! Last second field goal to win it all. Beautiful!� He then kept shouting (with his inside voice, �Won a game I had no business winning. Players that looked fine didn't want to play, and others who were gimpy played like all pro's.�p>
P-Miss Envy 91 The Bull City 71 Owner Randy Chambers has won championships. Owner Perry Missner has not. Chambers has been to the top of the mountain and felt the sun�s golden rays, while Missner has routinely been in the trash heap, covered by muck. Yet, in sports as in life, sometimes trends reverse and what was once uncool suddenly becomes very hip. Missner had a plan entering into the season that started and ended with his four incumbent running backs. He said, �It�s not like we�re the Las Vegas Lesbos.� A comment that caused Chambers to retort, �I won't touch that one with William Jefferson Clinton's ten foot pole...� None of the Envy runners has been great, but each has been solid in their own way and they were able to school a newcomer to greatness. The Envy took early control of the game behind Kenton Keith (1/22), who earned a gameball. Missner noted, �I struggled with whether to play him over Cedric Benson all week. I hated to sit Benson, but in the end it was the right decision.� Benson did score a TD, but he said that the week off will really help him in the long run. That guy is ever the team player. The rest of the Envy matched TD production with the Bull City as both starting WR and TE�s scored TD�s. Torry Holt (5/37) and Chris Cooley (4/23) each added two point conversions to provide a 22-16 edge over their Envy counterparts, but that was the only phase of the game in which The Bull City was superior on Sunday. Both owners were also in the mood of discussing one Brent Farf. Chambers said, �He throws the best interceptions in all of football. As my good friend [Owner] John Stoer would say of his underhanded shovel pick to Urlucker -- Good Grief!� Missner replied, �As much as I hate to admit it, that guy is very difficult to sack. He�s quite wily and he can get the ball away even though he is technically �in the grasp.� That pass to Urlacher was quite nice as well.� Urlacher (5/42) led the Envy defense with ten points. QB continued to be a problem for Chambers as he chose Drew �The Big Breezy� Brees (4/2) rather than Philip Rivers, who had 27 points from the bench. The weekly sore spot for Missner, the kicker, escaped condemnation, �I am going to lay off the kicker this week and let Suisham (1/6) kick another day. Drew Brees does come to mind [as someone who did not play well]. Speaking of kickers, Missner opined that �Maury Buford [was the greatest punter ever] because the 1985 Bears had the best of everything,� while Chambers chose Sammy Baugh. Terrence McGee (5/42) made the score respectable with a 19-point night on Monday, but he would have needed another 20 points to catch the Envy. A morose Chambers said, �Thank god I don't get cable. Otherwise, I might have watched the Bills-Cowboys game to its ugly conclusion, which really would have led me to hang myself.� While Missner, who saw his team attain that aforementioned mountain top, if ever so briefly, said, �While I�d love to feel sorry for Randy, he�s had his share of success. After a season like I had last year, there is very little feeling of remorse for any other owners. I don�t know that I�ve ever been in first place this late in the season��
Syracuse 44�s 68 The Ballbusters 61 Owner John Stoer has had a lot of great ideas over the years. Heck, the tie breakers are among the best. But, when asked about WNFL franchises, he was throwing out gems like nobody�s business. Roger Godell has decided the league should start with four teams and they will be named �The Washington All-Skins, the Buffalo Babes, the New York Jugs, and the Minnesota Vixens.� If expansion is needed, he would consider adding the Chicago Bras, Los Angeles Silicon Breast Implants, the Dallas Ass, and the Virginia Giants, but that may have to wait until 2010. What might be considered one of Stoer�s least successful ventures has been the keeping and playing of Vince Young (2/12). Now, we all know that the QB has skills, enough so that he was featured on 60 Minutes, but let�s face it � he�s no Joe Theismann (perhaps the greatest punter of all time and a man who has had dinner with every offensive and defensive coordinator in NFL history. Imagine this conversion. Joe: Ron Rivera, could you pass the roles? Ron: Sure, Joe, here you go. Joe: You are a genius!) Ah, that�s so 2005. Young also had trouble handing off to the 44�s high priced runners, Shaun Alexander (5/35) and Larry Johnson (3/9) causing Stoer to mutter �Johnson and Alexander: 20 carries for 37 yards. And I won? Really??� Well, he did have gameball earning Ronnie Brown (2/33) plowing away (�Who would have thought it, but it's Ronnie Brown again.�) and a less than threatening Buster team facing. Oh sure, Owner Rich Joseph had Peyton Manning (5/102) throwing and scoring 17 points (his fourth all-pro game), but the rest of the Buster lineup was a sad state of affairs. Ahole �Put it on the� Green (3/10) spent the whole game on the sideline, moaning about his various (and minor) injuries and Travis Henry (5/39) was way too baked to understand what was going on. Other than Manning, the Busters were led by Bernard Ruud (3/29) and Mason Crosby (1/8). Who? Exactly. Still, the Busters had a chance to win on Monday with an eight point deficit and Terrell Owens (5/41) left to play. Yet, Owens did not really feel like trying hard against the Bills and blamed media pressure for his poor performance (1 point). Joseph could just shake his head and wonder what might have been as his team fell to 1-4 in Week Fives and just 6-10 in decision�s by less than ten points (the worst record in the league). Stoer, on the other hand, saw his team snap a three game losing streak and said, �How 'bout them 44's? Easily our worst offensive day of the season with Young, LJ and Shaun combining for negative numbers, yet with some gritty defense and some help from my Giants we snuck past a downtrodden Busters squad that had only Peyton show up. Oh, and T.O.- You Suck!! Go drop another pass and bark on the sideline like an adolescent.�
San Francisco Cubists 59 Red Herrings 48 [The following is the exact transcript of a meeting that was recently attended] Good afternoon and welcome to the October team meeting. How is everyone doing? [No reply] OK, well, let�s get to the agenda today. First off, we�ll start by saying the company pledge, then we�ll talk a bit about BSD and RFP as well as a mention of RPLSUTERK. [Chuckles nervously] OK, I�d like to thank Sherry for bringing in the doughnuts yesterday. Crispy Cr�me are my favorites. Thank you, Sherry [One person claps.] OK, now Bill has been at the company for 20 years, so let�s give him a round of applause. [One person claps.] Now, Bill, I know you are a big Tony Romo (5/114) fan, but this here is Packer country where we worship Brent Farf, �who has an awfully good-looking Cubists championship ring on his finger.� Yes, I know that is the past and we must forget the past to attain the future, but the kicker is that if you aren�t going to play a kicker, you can still win. Yes, Jason, you�d like to make a point? �Larry Fitzgerald (5/28) finally showed up! Nice job, Larry.� Yes, Larry was instrumental in team building as well as landing the ROLTC account. Let�s give a round of applause to Larry. [One person claps] Now, let�s talk about safety. It�s not safe to call anyone a Heifer or a Cougar unless you are thinking of starting up the WNFL, which is an excellent idea, by the way. It�s really a great, great idea, so I�d like to thank whoever submitted that idea into the portal with a big round of applause [yes, just one person claps.] Now, we also have some bad news. Yes, I am afraid Santonio Holmes (2/3) was not available for his conference call. �If you are going to be injured, be injured a couple days ahead rather than with 2 minutes left in warmups.� Yes, whoever said that is spot on. Spot on! It�s not like everyone can be Ben Watson (5/41), who is an all-pro in my book for his record breaking performance. On budgeting, we are well ahead in the numbers and we have to be very careful in fourth quarter, but we can talk about that offline, if we need to. Yes, Ray Guy was the greatest punter in NFL history, but I don�t see what that has to do with budgeting. OK, any other comments or questions for me, since we still have 30 minutes? Yes, Owner Jason Moore,� Romo scared the $%#! out of me with the 6 turnovers. I figured, with the lead, we did not need to pick up a kicker for the Akers bye week, but it made for a nerve-wracking Monday night. Unbelievable comeback by the Brents, by the way, which does not bode well for the rest of the league.� OK, but let�s not be too down about it. We�ll be fine. In fact, we are great. On a more personal note, Missner - you're fired!
Weaselicious Cookies 73 County Coroners 70 [the following is a verbatim transcript from a recent speech by motivation speaker Blaise Winter] Good afternoon, everyone, I am Blaise Winter and I am a motivational speaker. Now, you may asking yourself, what could a washout from the Green Bay Packers know about motivational speaking. Well, not a whole heckuva lot, but the key to my continued success is cheap pricing. Yes, I will talk at any event and relate the stories of how I was once called into the game, but how I tripped on the way to the huddle and had to be taken off on a stretcher without even playing a down. I once even got to hold Brent Farf�s jockstrap for him, but the greatest thing about Brent was �The nicest thing about Farf is he throws great interceptions and many of them (inserting a Romo joke here will definitely end the life of one so-called journalist).� Oh no, that was a lightening strike and that is something Blaise Winter knows about. Just like Owner Dan Weitz just was, I have been hit by lightening on a number of occasions and it just doesn�t feel good. It�s like zap, wham, bam and you�ve got 20,000 volts running through you. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I�ve known guys like Jeff Garcia (1/1) and Vincent Jackson (4/27) and they are good guys who can score touchdowns, but when you get right down to it, there is only one Tom Brady (5/130). The guy is a virtual prince, at least from what I�ve read. Now, you may be wondering, Blaise � you�re obviously the best motivational speaker I have ever heard and even if you do live in a van down by the river you �operate with loyalty to the needs of those who hire me. The needs that are met by the qualities human beings bring to other human beings. The qualities that can not be reproduced on a computer.� Now, would you like to give me some questions or would you rather I did sit ups for you while you throw quarters at me. Oh, a question from the audience: [mumbling is heard to which Blaise responds,] �HMM your just asking for trouble with this question. I'm going with the safe answer of Amazons.� Thanks for your questions, now please empty your pockets of change and start throwing them at me while I go through my work out. Yes, I know the Cookies made a great comeback and won on the efforts of Jason Witten (4/35) who has scored all but one of his points in the last three weeks. Yes, I know I should be taking these things seriously, but I am Blaise Winter, dammit. I don�t take drugs anymore and I continue to seek excellence. Do you seek excellence, then perhaps you need Blaise Winter to come speak at your next function, party, wedding reception, Bar Mitzvah, informal get together, or Larry Craig bathroom encounter. You know I�ll do it. And just remember, folks, words don�t motivate � people do!
Week Six previews - The Week Six schedule features three of the more lopsided series history, but before we talk about them, there are some matters at the top of the standings. Two teams that have a history are facing off in the biannual Chowdah Bowl. The bragging rights of New England are at stake as the Wookies and Busters meet. Neither team will be with their starting QB, which is more of a loss for the Busters (Peyton Manning being replaced by Derek Anderson) than it is for the Wookies (Jon Kitna whose replacement has not been named). Owner Will Mitchell will have to do without his many beloved Lions and Owner Rich Joseph has also had to find a replacement for Travis Henry (in this case, Chester Taylor). DeShawn Wynn is also in the Buster lineup. The teams have split their series the last two years and the series is tied at four apiece. The top ranked P-Miss Envy meet Owner Charlie Mitchell for the first time officially. Owner Perry Missner said, �The Herrings are one of the most hot and cold teams in the league. They are battling through injuries, but we have some players on the bye to compensate. It will be great to have Carson back and hopefully he can mesh with the Brown receivers.� The Envy have also named D�qwell Jackson as a defensive replacement. Owner Charlie Mitchell will need to name a replacement for Champ Bailey and get some of his ailing troops healthy again. The Herrings have lost two straight and the Envy have won their last two, for those of you who like to keep track of trends. Now, to the one-sided series. The worst of the lot is the Brents vs. Coroners. Owner Steve Johnson simply owns Owner Chad Nuss and the Brents have won the last eight encounters (dating back to Week Four of 2002) and hold a 12-2 edge. To make matters worse for the Coroners, they will be without Willie Parker. Nuss can count on his Raiders being well-rested and they are coming off a bye. Johnson welcomes back Donovan McNabb and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, but has replaced 67% of his three horsemen lineup. Browns RB Jay Wright makes his debut and Lance Briggs is back in the D-Flex. Week Six could be the chance for Owner Randy Chambers to get his team back on the right track. The Bull City has defeated Owner Dan Weitz�s Cookies more than any other team against an opponent (15-3 series history). The Cookies did knock off the then Baers in the opening week of 2006, but have lost five of six to their betters. Weitz promised, �Amber take over and put the guys through hell, if anyone is left standing I take away the phone!!� Interestingly, Tom Brady will be going against Weitz�s Cowboys and Amber has made the decision to play Maurice Morris. BC will be without Frank Gore and Terrence McGee. The fifth game pits the Cubists and 44�s against one another. The Cubists swept the 2006 series and hold an 11-4-1 edge. Man, I hate ties. Owner Jason Moore, �Not feeling real good about this matchup considering that I can't log in right now. Stoer's gang of RBs looks like trouble.� Moore can log in, but those problematic RB�s remain. Adrian Peterson returns to the 44 lineup and Eli Manning is set to take the helm. Stoer said, �Hopefully the Cubists used all their luck this past week. We'll need to show a little more on O since the Cubists have given up about 120 points less than we have. I don't know who is going to score, but look for some changes on our side since some players have been undiluted crap.� It will be interesting to see if Moore decides to replace Dallas Clark because the team suffered no ill effect without K David Akers. Chad Johnson returns from the bye and Mike Peterson has switched sides.
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