County Coroners 105 Peaks Island Wookies 79 In the first few weeks of the season, Owner Will Mitchell had his Wookies as comfortable as Chewbacca behind the co-captain�s seat of the Millenium Falcon. The high octane offense was rolling along and Jon Kitna (4/67) had the Lord working on his side � over time. Mitchell seemed to take it for granted that his team would win again in Week Four, but if there is one law in the land of Modano (and there aren�t many � it�s a damn free for all), it�s that you should not take any opponent for granted. Owner Chad Nuss took his Coroners into the win column in Week Three, but he had his eyes set on a bigger prize in Week Four � take down that guy at the top of the standings. To do so, Nuss called up an old friend for help. Last Tuesday, he rang Daunte Culpepper (1/33) to see what the huge QB was up to. �Nuffin�� replied Culpepper and made his way to Coroner Stadium (yes, the Black Hole) and found that the Coroner jersey fit him very well. In his first action of the season, Culpepper made like it was 2004 all over again. He scored five TD�s (two, fortunately, thrown to Coroner teammate Jerry Porter (2/16) who had 15 points) and provided 33 points. Culpepper ran for two TD�s and hit Tony Gonzalez (4/19) for another score. The gameball earning Culpepper was doing in his little rolling dance again and again. Mitchell was so surprised that he left Charles Tillman in the lineup, despite the Bear CB being injured. Kitna did have his third all-pro game of the year with 17 points, but while the Lord loves him, he did not favor the Wookies in Week Four. RB Rudi Johnson was out and the Coroner D-Flex did not have the same type of fear for Jamal Lewis (2/14) and Warrick Dunn (1/4). This allowed the Coroner safeties (including Darren Sharper (1/22)) to play very deep and keep Roy Williams (4/39) and Steve Smith (4/43) from going long (the two combined for five points). Nuss�s continual disappointment with Thomas Jones (4/17) continued and Willie Parker (4/29) only scored three. Nuss commented that the Tuck Rule was still giving him a reason to beat the Wookies and he figured if that call had gone as it was supposed to the Patriots would have never won a Super Bowl. Nuss then started a rumor that Jamo is looking forward to the Oscar parties in San Francisco. Jamo denied the rumor and called it a scurrilous lie. As has happened all too often in sports, when the number one team is defeated, the Coroner fans rushed the field and tore down the goalposts. Nuss, himself, was ecstatic, and compared the win to �losing your virginity.� The Coroners have definitely turned things around: in Weeks One and Two, they were the lowest scoring team. By Week Four, they had the highest score. Daunte Culpepper!
P-Miss Envy 77 Syracuse 44�s 77 Winning is always great. Losing is always awful, but there are generally lessons learned. Well, according to Owner John Stoer �Losing is only OK when it's to small children or the terminally ill.� Similarly, Owner Perry Missner believed �There are only two people that I would consider losing to on purpose: the retarded guy from LA Law and Corky from Life Goes On. Other than that, I must win.� Yes, Missner revels in beating both small children and the terminally ill. Ronnie Brown (1/18) is neither and he showed something in Week Four that had not been in evidence through his first two years in the league: talent. Stoer said about his gameball �Gotta go to be Downtown Ronnie Brown.� Brown gave the 44�s the early advantage with his first game and all pro day of the season. Patrick Willis (3/22) and Adrian Peterson (4/45) also played well for the 44�s, but the Envy battled back behind TD�s from Edgerrin James (4/42), Marshawn Lynch (4/35), and Reggie Wayne (4/33). The game was taut and the buzz was electric. Sort of like the Oscar buzz that Missner had heard �I understand that Roseanne Barr is getting naked in a December release. She�s ugly, she�s naked, give her an Oscar.� Stoer had also heard some Oscar buzz: �It's a little early and I haven't done my homework on this so I'll say Cate Blanchett for Elizabeth II and Ben Affleck for writing and directing Gone Baby Gone.� With the Envy holding a slight edge heading into Sunday night, despite the ineffectiveness of Jeff Reed (1/2) (Missner commented, �Oh, Jeff Reed. Two points? Get lost.�) Stoer thought he had a good chance of blowing the game open behind Eli Manning (1/7), Plaxico Burress (3/42), and Jeremy Shockey (3/7). Manning and Burress did combine for a TD, but the Giant trio only provided 15 points, giving the 44�s a seven point lead heading into Monday with Envy QB Carson Palmer (4/79) left to play. Of course, Palmer was going against the Patriots, who according to John Madden are �the greatest team to ever play the game. If only the had traded for Brent Farf.� Speaking of the Patriots, Stoer thought �How many did they win with cheating, three? I'll always believe they deserved two since Tom Brady definitely fumbled in the snow- tuck rule or no- and so they must have cheated somehow to get that bogus call in their favor.� Missner replied with some nonsense, �Their transgressions seem pretty minor in the grand schemes of things, but one can never tell what minor advantage will cause great things. Therefore, I would say that the Patriots not only would not have won any Super Bowls, but they would have moved to Tallahassee and become the Tallahassee Mountain Men.� Why that makes no sense. Missner turned on the Monday game briefly, but it was enough to see Palmer toss a TD to put the Envy up by a point. Soon after the TD, Palmer threw an interception, putting the 44�s back in the lead. Then, Missner went to bed. When he awoke, he found that Palmer had not provided enough to win outright, but not enough to lose. A tie? Yes, in previous years this would have ended up in a tie, but we now have tie breakers in place. The first tie breaker was TD�s minus turnovers. Each team had two. Next, 50+ field goals. Neither team had any. So, we went to the third tie breaker � total defensive points. Unfortunately, the 44�s have the worst D-flex in the league and their three combined for two less points than the Envy D-flex. A relieved Missner said, �What�s that they say about better being lucky than good? That�s how we were this week. Carson Palmer deserves a week off because he is clearly being frayed by the pressure. Sadly, his understudy was on the Bears� bench so we�ve had to bring in someone new.� A whisky stained Stoer slurred, �Frick, frick, frick!!! In a tie, everything gets magnified, but one stinkin point from Farrior (On Farrior, he said, �The putrid and soon to be cut James Farrior. How lazy a game do you play if you only score one frickin' point on defense?? Run to the ball and tackle someone you gigantic asswipe.�) and LaMont getting knocked out in the first half cost us huge. Still, it was never going to be our week. The Cubs make the playoffs, Perry wins his baseball title by the slimmest of margins, and the pepperoni on top is a tie-breaker win over my 44's. I'll take 1/10th of the good fortune for which Perry must be sacrificing the nubile virgins of Wisconsin. I'm going to go drink in a dark corner alone.� He happily did not mention the Bears or their rivals.
Brentful Brents 100 Weaselicious Cookies 80 In the past 15 years, the demographics of Oshkosh, Wisconsin have gone through a remarkable change. In the late 1980�s and especially in the early 1990�s, the north side of town was better in almost every conceivable way: the people were smarter, the air was cleaner, and the Piggly Wiggly was better. As the population shifted away from the downtown area and toward the highway, the upper crust also moved to the west side, which use to be the wrong side of the tracks. Owner Steve Johnson grew up in the difficult environment and it has made him the man he is today. He has lived through adversity and triumphed over it, culminating in his first ever Modano championship in 2006. What to do for an encore? Well, he had bandied about an undefeated season but that dream came apart like an Oshkosh West gameplan in Week One. In fact, the Brents dropped their Week Two battle as well. They rebounded in Week Three and had their favorite opponent, the Weaselicious Cookies, in Week Four. Owner Dan Weitz grew up on the affluent north side of Oshkosh and never really had to work for anything. He had the silver spoon and all that, and has coasted through life. The difference in the two competitor�s upbringings was the focus of the pregame shows that try to make some sort of fuzzy human nature stories. Weitz had no time for any of that because he was involved in mediation sessions with his QB Tom Brady (4/104) all week. Dr. Van Nostrand praised Weitz for making progress, but Weitz had promised that if his QB did not score five TD�s in Week Four, he would �tan his hide.� The Brents, who have their own issues at QB, kept the ball out of the hands of Donovan McNabb (4/52) and concentrated on the running game and D-flex play. Johnson noted, �McNabb. 1 point vs NY? What the hell? You should have gone Abe Lincoln on there asses!� Abe Lincoln? A mustacheless beard? Huh? LaDainian Tomlinson (4/46) and Joseph Addai (4/57), who is the league�s leading rusher, each had their second all pro games with 15 points, but Johnson was more impressed by �My D. They saw how the QB was throwing the game away and decided to win it themselves. Amazing!� Julian Peterson (4/49) led the way with his second all pro game of 19 and new recruits Marlin Jackson (1/13) and Derrick Johnson (1/12) held up their ends of the bargain. Heading into Monday night, the Brents held a 42-point lead, but Tom Brady and his promised five TD�s were still left to play. Johnson said, �Brady would have had to score 30 to win. So.. naturally.. I was a little worried.� He was also worried about �That guy... you know, the one who was in that thing. The tall one.. with the hair.� Uh, Tom Brady? Speaking of the Patriots, had they not cheated, Johnson said, �Nothing would have changed. The ones who won the games were players on the field, not assistant coaches on the sidelines.� Brady did score three TD�s, but his 22 points fell twenty points short. Weitz, whose team suffered their 100th loss, regressed and a week�s worth of therapy was thrown down the toilet. The Brents have now won two in a row and Johnson can�t even remember losing since �My first Tball game. After that.. DESTROY!�
San Francisco Cubists 80 The Bull City 44 It used to be that when the Cubists and what was once known as the B[*][*]rs played, it was big news in the league. Each had championship pedigrees and fantastic players. Winds blow, times change, and good teams begin to stink like old fruit. Yet, just like when the Lakers and Celtics meets now, there is a sense of nostalgia. Neither team wants to lose and with Owner Randy Chambers team on the precipice of being the first Modano franchise with 100 wins, this game still had a bit of media appeal. For Owner Jason Moore, losing is never acceptable unless it is �virginity-wise.� What is it with the West Coasters and their virginities? The game also hinged on Moore�s decision to play and prosper with Cowboy QB Tony Romo (4/110) who has been the best signal called through for weeks. Chambers considers the Cowboys to be sub-Packer (if that is possible) and is feelings of brotherhood with Moore have changed considerably since Moore and Romo have become buddies (some tabloids call them Momo). Yet, it was Romo who was flinging TD�s all over the place in matching Randy Moss and Tom Brady with four all pro games in four weeks. The Romo and Dallas Clark (3/26) combined for 50 points and would have beaten the Bull City by themselves. On the gameball, Moore said, �Any time my TE outscores any two of the other team's players, I have a pretty good feeling. But when I look at The Bull City, all I can say is "There but for the grace of Romo go I." So apologies to Clark, but Romo gets it.� This caused Chambers� grimace to deepen significantly. The only saving grace this season The Bull City has been K Adam Vinatieri (4/40) who leads all kickers in points and led the offense with eight points. Bob Sanders (1/10) led the team despite free lancing the entire game and not paying any attention to Clark. BC has had real trouble at the QB slot. Philip Rivers (1/-2) filled in for Drew Brees, who was on the bye, but had a Brees-like performance � the third negative QB game for The Bull City. The team scored no TD�s and its 44 points were the second lowest total in franchise history (they scored 32 points in 2002). Chambers has no idea how to turn it around, but Moore suggested watching �The King of Kong, which should win a best documentary Oscar.� Moore was still not happy with �Joey Galloway (2/2) who should have been watching Santonio Holmes from the bench,� but he said, �And a good QB makes my team's myriad weaknesses a little less glaring... but let's face it, my team is destined for another finish in the middle of the pack where there are no RBs left in the draft.� When asked if he had ever heard of trading, Moore replied with a shrug.
The Ballbusters 79 Red Herrings 59 Owner Charlie Mitchell has often stated that he has never met a person he did not like. To every rule there is an exception and for Mitchell, that exception seems to be Busters QB Peyton Manning (4/85). Prior to the game, Mitchell was doing his usual dancing routine for the Herring faithful and happened to bump into Manning, who was none to pleased to have his pregame ritual spitting interrupted. Manning, in fact, spit on Mitchell and a brouhaha started up. The two were separated by various wrestling officials and referees, but it seemed like Manning had a little extra flap in his chicken dance. He threw for 30 points, four TD�s and carried the Busters on his shoulders once again. Each time he scored a TD, he spit in the direction of Mitchell, causing a 15-yard penalty for the Busters. Manning said he�d spit at Mitchell if their paths crossed again. Mitchell was able to anger his own QB as well by repeatedly calling him Hasselhoff and asking him when he would bring Baywatch back to syndicated TV. Matt �Mitch Buchanaon� Hasselbeck (3/51) led the team with 18 points (his second all pro game) and flipped a TD to Lavernues Coles (2/18), but the Herrings were stone cold after that. Mitchell said, �My training staff stunk. Hard to win with so many injuries.� Neither of his starting RB�s � Laurence Maroney (4/15) and Brian Westbrook (4/50) played and Anquan Boldin (4/36) sat out as well. Mitchell screamed, �What the hell is wrong with you guys? I am paying you in good, crisp Monopoly money and all you want to do is sit in the training room and watch VH1?� Ben Watson�s (4/22) TD streak was also snapped at three. The Herring D-Flex played well with 26 points, but it was not enough. Mitchell said he did not have time for Oscar buzz because he was �Too busy watching gamefilm, trying to set up plays involving no RB or WR since they're all hurt. Hasselhoff to Hobbs, lateral to Rackers - week 5.� Other than Manning, the Busters were led by Lofa Tatupu (4/42) who had 11 points and Travis Henry (4/35) who scored eight all on yards. The Busters remained unbeaten in Week Fours (4-0) and achieved their 40th franchise win. Mitchell considered things and said, �We lost the battle to win the war.� The Busters also gained a share of first place, while the Herrings fell into the mire of the 2-2 teams and had their modest two game wining streak snapped.We have three teams sitting at 3-1. Of the three, the Wookies face the sternest test in the form of the resurgent Brentful Brents. And to make matters worse for Owner Will Mitchell, he will have to face Brent Farf himself. The Wookies have not beaten the Brents since 2004, but the series is tied 7-7. Owner Steve Johnson said, �I have to go against the Big Dog (Wookie) this week with no WRs. Lets to RBs.� T.J. Houshmandzadeh is on the break. Patrick Crayton and Michael Pittman make their debuts. For the Wookies, Antoine Winfield will need to be replaced and Calvin Johnson is back from his break. The P-Miss Envy take on a down on their luck Bull City team in what should be a very exciting game. The Envy are coming off a so-so performance in their winning tie against the 44�s and will be without QB Carson Palmer. Owner Perry Missner said, �There�s nothing more dangerous than a wounded beast. Well, maybe a wounded Bull City. We are wary. With six players coming back from the bye, they will be well rested and due for a bunch of TD�s. Shaun Suisham may be the difference.� Jay Cutler will take the ball from center. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team leads the series 9-8 and has won three of the last four meetings, is going with Philip Rivers again and brings back Marques Colston, Chris Cooley, Keith Bulluck, and Clinton Portis. The Busters have been the quietest 3-1 team and they face the Syracuse 44�s, who they have tortured routinely (a 5-2 series edge and a 2006 sweep). Owner John Stoer said, �Our best shot for a victory this week against the Busters is to hope that the Red Sox play a lot of late, close extra-inning affairs and Rich is too preoccupied to notice that we are even playing this week.� He is giving Vince Young the QB nod and is bringing Sammy Morris and Larry Johnson off the bench. Jonathan Vilma is playing to add a bit more U madness. Owner Rich Joseph, who may be preoccupied with the Sox, had placed Javon Walker in the lineup and hopes that Mason Crosby doesn�t get too many kicks blocked. The Herrings and Cubists are each 2-2, but the Cubists are coming off a win and the Herrings are not. Currently, Owner Jason Moore has an illegal lineup and is in danger of forfitting the game. Yes, it�s good to go for any edge you can find but playing a four-man O-flex and only two defenders is illegality in its worst form. Once he gets things figured out, Ernest Graham or Dwayne Bowe may be in his lineup. He noted, �We'll be lucky to miss Westbrook, but that's a pretty talented roster. Somebody besides Romo needs to score some points for this team. Owner Charlie Mitchell is hoping he has enough bodies to fill the lineup. Andre Johnson is tipped to play and Hasselhoff will start at QB again. Mitchell said, �We need cortisone and HGH, stat.� Finally, the league�s two losingest franchises renew their battles. The Coroners have owner the Cookies of late, winning five of the last six meetings and holding an 11-5 series edge. Even still, Owner Chad Nuss said, �Shake up in the County, Stay Tuned.� He was no doubt referring to the Raiders being on the bye. That being the case, he has placed old friend Jeff Garcia in the lineup along with Vernand Morency, Vincent Jackson, Donovin Darius, and D.J. Williams. The Cookies have their own personnel troubles and Owner Dan Weitz hopes someone can help Tom Brady. DeAngelo Williams makes his debut and Maurice Jones-Drew returns.
Week 5 previews - We have three teams sitting at 3-1. Of the three, the Wookies face the sternest test in the form of the resurgent Brentful Brents. And to make matters worse for Owner Will Mitchell, he will have to face Brent Farf himself. The Wookies have not beaten the Brents since 2004, but the series is tied 7-7. Owner Steve Johnson said, �I have to go against the Big Dog (Wookie) this week with no WRs. Lets to RBs.� T.J. Houshmandzadeh is on the break. Patrick Crayton and Michael Pittman make their debuts. For the Wookies, Antoine Winfield will need to be replaced and Calvin Johnson is back from his break. The P-Miss Envy take on a down on their luck Bull City team in what should be a very exciting game. The Envy are coming off a so-so performance in their winning tie against the 44�s and will be without QB Carson Palmer. Owner Perry Missner said, �There�s nothing more dangerous than a wounded beast. Well, maybe a wounded Bull City. We are wary. With six players coming back from the bye, they will be well rested and due for a bunch of TD�s. Shaun Suisham may be the difference.� Jay Cutler will take the ball from center. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team leads the series 9-8 and has won three of the last four meetings, is going with Philip Rivers again and brings back Marques Colston, Chris Cooley, Keith Bulluck, and Clinton Portis. The Busters have been the quietest 3-1 team and they face the Syracuse 44�s, who they have tortured routinely (a 5-2 series edge and a 2006 sweep). Owner John Stoer said, �Our best shot for a victory this week against the Busters is to hope that the Red Sox play a lot of late, close extra-inning affairs and Rich is too preoccupied to notice that we are even playing this week.� He is giving Vince Young the QB nod and is bringing Sammy Morris and Larry Johnson off the bench. Jonathan Vilma is playing to add a bit more U madness. Owner Rich Joseph, who may be preoccupied with the Sox, had placed Javon Walker in the lineup and hopes that Mason Crosby doesn�t get too many kicks blocked. The Herrings and Cubists are each 2-2, but the Cubists are coming off a win and the Herrings are not. Currently, Owner Jason Moore has an illegal lineup and is in danger of forfitting the game. Yes, it�s good to go for any edge you can find but playing a four-man O-flex and only two defenders is illegality in its worst form. Once he gets things figured out, Ernest Graham or Dwayne Bowe may be in his lineup. He noted, �We'll be lucky to miss Westbrook, but that's a pretty talented roster. Somebody besides Romo needs to score some points for this team. Owner Charlie Mitchell is hoping he has enough bodies to fill the lineup. Andre Johnson is tipped to play and Hasselhoff will start at QB again. Mitchell said, �We need cortisone and HGH, stat.� Finally, the league�s two losingest franchises renew their battles. The Coroners have owner the Cookies of late, winning five of the last six meetings and holding an 11-5 series edge. Even still, Owner Chad Nuss said, �Shake up in the County, Stay Tuned.� He was no doubt referring to the Raiders being on the bye. That being the case, he has placed old friend Jeff Garcia in the lineup along with Vernand Morency, Vincent Jackson, Donovin Darius, and D.J. Williams. The Cookies have their own personnel troubles and Owner Dan Weitz hopes someone can help Tom Brady. DeAngelo Williams makes his debut and Maurice Jones-Drew returns.
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