Peaks Island Wookies 87 P-Miss Envy 70 The Wookies and Envy are two franchises that have seen some serious lows along with a few notes of surprise. Each had started the 2007 season with a pair of pleasing wins, but they couldn�t both win in Week 3. And, with the rules eliminating ties, a pleasing-to-no-one tie would not be in the offing. Therefore, it came down to coaching, plain and simple. Owner Perry Missner hoped to use his ground attack and defense to slow down the aerials of the Wookies. No part of that plan worked. Owner Will Mitchell had his counterpart on the field, Jon Kitna, firing on quick strikes that eventually ended up with TD�s. Kitna had two for 17 points (and his second all pro performance) and he found gameball earners Roy Williams and Randy Moss for 19 points apiece. Moss has had all pro performances in all three games and looks like he did before he got braces. The Envy offensive line did not seem bothered by the litany of former-Bear Wookie defenders, but they did not follow the rules very well. They were called for multiple false start and holding penalties, killing all momentum of Envy drives. Marshawn Lynch still found the endzone, but he was the only Envy back to do so on Sunday. As the lead widened, Missner had to hope that QB Carson Palmer had another 43-point effort in his back pocket. All Palmer had was a tin of chew. He did score 11, but it was not what Missner had hoped for. He immediately banned all tobacco products from the locker room, causing half of the team to take up chewing toothpicks. The only bright spot of the weekend for Missner was �Brian Urlacher. It was a rough week for our crew, but Urlacher had a couple of stiff sacks. Nice to see him get after the QB.� Missner then locked himself in his sound studio to record some new tracks with his band. As Mitchell wandered by, he wondered, �Is that Cyndi Lauper?� A tech quickly answered him and said it was Missner�s new �acoustic version of �Killing in the Name Of.� Oh yes, �some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses!� Missner, ever the one to point the finger, needed someone to blame for the loss and he chose, �The kicker. Elam � you�re cut. Jeff Reed is our new guy.� He then locked himself in the pantry and planned on a diet of �Ice cream for breakfast, Doritos and Oreos for lunch, and ice cream for dinner.� It�s just one fantasy loss, buddy, take it easy. Mitchell celebrated the win and his team�s best start since 2005 by downing a bucket of �HGH and lard,� and watching various Flight of the Conchords videos. It�s so funny: they�re conchords and they are flying! After his smorgasbord was over, Missner related the following summation to the media: �I�d happily trade a battle for a war. Will, you can have Week Three in Modano, but I�ll take the Turf World championship. It�s gonna be close. Our runners never got going and there wasn�t enough else to win. Will�s damn receivers are so good, I wish I�d drafted that team��
Brentless Brents 110 The Ballbusters 71 It�s always a special occasion when Owner Steve Johnson meets QB Peyton Manning, who he had the gall to trade many years ago. Manning has openly despised Johnson for not only trading him but making fun of his chicken dance behind his back (caught on Youtube video, which also shows that Johnson favorite �Robot Chicken: Star Wars (If anyone didn't think I was a geek already...)� Actually, that�s my second favorite too, just behind �One guy (Owen Pallett), his violin, a sampler, and Mariah Carey�s �Fantasy.� I�ve watched it a number of times and it is really good.� The only time the Brents started 0-3 was their first season in the league, 1999, a season that scarred Johnson so that he never even wants to be reminded of it again. Therefore, Johnson made the executive decision to take the play calling out of Mike Sherman�s hands and let QB Donovan McNabb �do whatever the hell he wants.� That plan seemed to work as Donovan rekindled early 2006 and scored 33 points on four TD�s. Johnson gave McNabb the gameball �for finally showing up.� He also noted that his McNabb plan was �I wanted to make sure McNabb zeroed in on only his own teammates, so I dressed them all in clown suits. The union wouldn't let me use the really small car for the intro, though.� Clowns are funny. He was not quite as happy with his defense, who combined for ten points. He noted, �I expect an all-pro game out of someone every week.� Steve Johnson: He has high expectations. Just as he was about to sit down for a nice meal of �Pizza... and pasta. Maybe a pasta pizza� Manning scored a TD (and 15 points, his second all-pro game) and that turncoat Donald Driver scored another TD and 14 points. Johnson did not feel like eating much after that and his indigestion worsened after learning that Steven Jackson pulled his groin. �That�s just not an image I needed,� he said and proceeded to throw out all of the pasta pizza. His mood lightened as his own charges started to score TD�s in support of McNabb. Joseph Addai scored a couple for 17 and LaDainian Tomlinson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (whose names take up a whole line!) each found paydirt. Even inspirational play Ronald Curry crossed the plane and the route was on. Owner Rich Joseph wondered whose side Ahole �Put it on the� Green and Javon Walker were on. Neither scored on the Brents. Julius Peppers and Lofa Tatupu also did not fair well, combining for three points. In the Brents 40th franchise blowout win, the team improved to 3-6 in Week Threes. To further celebrate the league, Johnson made his team Brentful by signing the inbreeded one. A terrible mistake in the estimation of the media. We guess one Modano championship was enough for Johnson.
Weaselicious Cookies 87 San Francisco Cubists 85 Back in the early days of Modano, when the Cubists were winning championships and mocking the rest of the league, it always seemed as perennial underdog Owner Perry Missner would come up with a crazy strategy to throw the Cubists off and get a win. Moore has stopped winning championships, but he no longer fears the P-Miss Envy. No, he has a new fear � the Weaselicious Cookies. It seems the Weitz family, no matter how disputatious they are, comes up with a game winning plan to overthrow the Cubists. In Week Three of 2007, that plan centered on QB Tom Brady and RB Marion Barber, who combined for 49 points. As Brady threw a deep bomb to Jason Witten (12 points) for his fourth TD, he trotted off the field and smilingly said to Weitz, �Good enough for you?� Weitz, however, did not find anything funny in the comment and reminded his QB that he had been promised five TD�s. Brady immediately ran up to Weitz and did what turned out to be a promising Earl Weaver impersonation. Weitz and Brady were both red in the face and the spittle was flying all over the place. The Cookie team seemed to be unable to move and someone had to do something. As is usually the case in such situations, the voice of reason was Amber Weitz. She ran down from her press box and pulled the two combatants away from each other, demanding that they both sit down and take a timeout. She then proceeded to lecture the two, �Dad, you�re a great Dad.� Weitz nearly cracked a smile and stuck out his chin. �Tom, you�re a great QB, but you guys have to figure out a way to get along.� Both mumbled, �I guess so.� Amber followed up, �that�s why I�ve scheduled you for some couples counseling. Dad, you remember Dr. Van Nostrand, don�t you? Well, I�ve scheduled you and Tom for two hours, five days a week. You are going to keep going until you work out your problems. This is for the good of our family and the good of the team. Go Wildcats!� The elder Weitz was on board until that last comment which caused him to bash his head into the wall. Speaking of head bashing, Moore (who suggested that Missner add Flashlight by Parliament to his CD of covers, believing that Missner has more funk than any white man alive) nearly puked while watching Sunday night football. He said, �If I were the coach of the other team, I would give it to $%#! Patrick Crayton who dropped a ridiculously easy TD and deprived my QB of 7 more points. Since I am me, I will give it to Romo.� Yeah, the Cowboys really needed that extra TD. Moore also noted that �Larry Fitzgerald (3/8) is starting to piss me off.� In order to chill, Moore decided to �Buy some video games and fire up the burrito, beer, and ice cream diet.� He also said, �Thought I was going to pull out the miracle come back, but so far this team just doesn't have what it takes. Happy that Bush finally scored more Tads than Mario Williams this year, but 35 total yards after Deuce got hurt?�
Red Herrings 122 Syracuse 44�s 96 Since joining the league in the middle of 2006, Owner Charlie Mitchell has done things his own way. His ways cause him to be center stage quite often, but nothing has been quite like his treatment of outgoing RB Larry Johnson. Usually, when a player is traded, the owner likes to concentrate on the incoming player (in this case, Brian Westbrook) and simply thanks the leaving player for his contributions. Although publicly, Mitchell said, �I was sad to see LJ riding the pine across the field. He's a very emotional guy, and I'm sure it's tearing him up,� video capture on Youtube (as well as favorites from the 2006 Big East tournament and Bong Hits 4 Jesus) showed Mitchell berating Johnson as he cleaned out his locker. In between f-bombs, Mitchell shouted, �Your performance this year has been miserable. Frankly, I am surprised anyone wants you. I know the previous regime worshipped the ground you walked on, but I think you suck.� A weeping Johnson ran hysterically out of the Herring campus and Owner John Stoer�s first act as his coach was to give him a hug (and a benching). Westbrook, for his part, took the whole trade in step. He knew that he had given some of his best years to the 44�s and Stoer, a card carrying Redskin fan. Perhaps Westbrook had that extra bit of juice this week to show Stoer what he had given up for a crying bag of tears. The Eagle RB set a season record with three TD�s and 32 points. Mitchell said, �game ball and a throwback Herrings jersey. Honorable mention to Foster (20 points from the bench) who came over in the trade too, showing he's ready to contribute.� Westbrook�s play seemed to rejuvenate Matt Hasselbeck and Anquan Boldin and both players had their best games of the season (combining for 44 points, coincidentally enough). The Herrings also received TD�s from Lavernues Coles (8 points) and Ben Watson (his third TD in three weeks). Mitchell was not quite as pleased with his defense, �Merriman - what the F is wrong with him? Thought the LJ trade might have woken him up, and I was wrong.� Apparently, somebody needs his horse pills. The vaunted Herring D combined for nine points, with Merriman contributing nothing. The 44�s had their running and kicking games working fairly well. Cadillac Williams, Lamont Jordan, and Adrian Peterson went triflexa and combined for 34 points, while Matt Stover created a season kicker high with 14 points. Stoer gave the game ball to �the rook � AP� but said, �The return of Mike Peterson was not what I had hoped.� One would think the brothers would have inspired each other. What? That�s a different Adrian Peterson? Jeeze, how many are there? To add to the confusion, Stoer hoped that Missner�s band would record �Neil Young's Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere album - Start to finish� then changed his mind and wanted Thriller. Mitchell wanted �Dr. Dre, Peaches and Herb, Slayer - keep us guessing, mix it up,� summed up the game with two thoughts: �Who all seen da leprechaun say HEYYYY!� and �I think perhaps the 44's celebrated the Louisville game too late into the night.� Stoer responded with �This year it only took me till week three to remember how much I truly do not enjoy the weekly vagaries of fantasy football. I'd like to thank Brian Westbrook and Ronnie Brown for that.�
County Coroners 71 The Bull City 56 The fans of The Bull City have become accustomed to winning. Like any fan-base that has had a taste of success, they feel that the players, the team, and the owners owe them something. Therefore, when Owner Randy Chambers� team started out of the gates slowly, fan and media pressure increased and there was even some talk of the team reaching out to Brian Griese. Tell me they aren�t that desperate. Chambers knew enough not to overlook his Week Three opponent and said, �Always respect a Coroner.� Even with the mad respect going on, Owner Chad Nuss�s team started poorly. QB Marc Bulger took six points away from his team and the only TD was contributed by Vincent Jackson (on a sweet catch, by the way). Willie Parker, Derrick Ward, and Tony Gonzalez did pretty well without scoring TD�s (18 points combined), but it was the Coroner D-flex that provided the real help. London Fletcher and his two Raider friends tallied 30 points and kept the Coroner dream of a first victory alive. They also did a fine job on keeping all non-Redskin BC players out of the endzone. Chris Cooley (7 points) and Clinton Portis (12 points) found the endzone. Chambers gave the gameball to Keith Bulluck for his 18 points and gave an honorable mention to Adam Vinatieri, who kicked 12 points through the uprights. He may have thought Frank Gore, Torry Holt, and Hines Ward were listening to �Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds� as the trio combined for six points. Terrence McGee also did not score. Heading into Monday, Chambers thought there was still a chance to keep the Coroners winless. He had keeper QB Drew Brees, his favorite target Marques Colston, and the defensive stopper Keith Bulluck left to go. Chambers gave the gameball to Keith Bulluck for his 18 points and gave an honorable mention to Adam Vinatieri, who kicked 12 points through the uprights. Brees, however, had a bad game and Chambers wasn�t afraid to tell him about it, �Brees, who incredibly did more damage on Monday night than Bulger did to the Coroners on Sunday.� The Bull City�s 56 points were their lowest total since the first week of 2005 (although they did score 57 twice in 2006). Chambers, whose team was denied their 100th win (just as the Cookies stayed away from their 100th loss) said, �I am embarrassed. Losing to the County is bad enough, but to have your team leading keeper QB put up a negative 8 to move his season-to-date to ZERO is embarrassing. Hopefully, Mr. Brees will use the week on the bench to watch how his understudy performs and get his head straightened out.� Asked how he is dealing with the depression of the loss, Chambers simply said, �Milkshakes. Lots of milkshakes.�
Week Four previews - Oh, to be on the top of the mountain. The air is fresh and the view is clear. Such is the feeling of Owner Will Mitchell, whose records remains unblemished after three weeks. In Week Four, the Wookies will be facing the Coroners who will be without London Fletcher. Not good. The teams split last year with the Coroners winning in Week 17, but the Wookies have won four of the last five. Mitchell said on Monday, �Well we may well be 3-0 v 0-3 next week - not determined yet...and with the Pats and Raiders being the teams they are this year, we like our chances next week...but we don�t want a let down after the big week 3 win vs. Perry and will be training hard all week.� Owner Chad Nuss is right to feel underestimated. No changes have been made to either lineup. The Herrings and Busters meeting features two of three other teams over .500. It could be billed as Son of Chowdah Bowl. Owner Charlie Mitchell has inserted Elias Hobbs into a lineup that already features Laurence Maroney and Ben Watson. He is clearly trying to sway the Patriots contingent. Owner Rich Joseph�s response: Wes Welker, of course. Jared Allen gets into the lineup one week after scoring 19 points from the bench. The fourth and final team above the even water mark is the P-Miss Envy. They had to endure a rough weekend of football in Week Three, but you can�t keep a good man down, especially when he is hit by the delicious aroma of pizza. Both owners commented on it. Missner said, �Ah, the Syracuse 44�s. Always a battle, but a delicious one. We are well matched with runners in the extreme, but I think Carson Palmer is going to be the difference. He and Urlacher.� Stoer countered, �Hopefully the Pizza Week rivalry will force us to play a little better on D. If we continue to give up an average of 111 points a game, our poor fortunes will continue. Sadly it doesn't get any easier with the revitalized Envy on tap.� Also on tap is the foot of Jeff Reed, the latest in the endless parade of Envy kickers. Stoer has given the ball to Eli Manning and signed up dancing idiot Nick Barnett to try to shift the Envy�s focus away from the game. Does he have to dance every time he makes a tackle? The 44�s lead the series history 9-8 and swept the series in 2006. Two Oshkosh natives renew their fierce rivalry for high school supremacy as North and West meet in the persons of Owners Dan Weitz and Steve Johnson. Both teams are coming off their first wins of the season and both have hot QB�s. Johnson has dismissed all signs of Chicago Bear from his lineup. In their place are Cowboys K Nick Folk, Colt DB Marlin Jackson, and Chief LB Derrick Johnson. Derrick Mason also makes his Brent debut. Weitz did not think one Cowboy RB was enough, so he put Julius Jones in the lineup along with Marion Barber. Maurice Morris is also in the Cookie lineup. Ugh. The Brents lead the series 11-3 and swept both games in 2006. Finally, multiple championship winners meet in an effort to get back .500. Owners Randy Chambers and Jason Moore are no strangers to each other. The Bull City lead the series 9-8 and have not lost to San Francisco since 2004. Chambers said, �What a week. The Cubists and Bull City enter showdown week under .500. Alas, how the mighty have fallen. We'll see if Rivers can give us the jump start we need, and if a Brees can use his time on the bench to work the Cowboy Voodoodoo Hex on dear Jamo. What's your soul worth, my friend?� Chambers still has to fill TE and O-flex holes and still has not heard of Cubists starting RB Jerious �aka Scott� Norwood. Moore commented, �With Bush on the bye, the RB decision will be interesting.� Norwood is the best of a sorry lot. Moore has also brought old friend Derrick Brooks back onboard.
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