The Bull City 102 Brentless Brents 98 On their way to their first ever championship in 2006, the Brentless Brents ran over Bull City and made a mockery of league history. In 2007, Owner Randy Chambers aimed for revenge for all of Bull City and all of the other league members. No one likes being mocked, least of all Chambers for his remembering �the 1982 Orioles-Brewers pennant chase. Earl Weaver's last season (prior to his post-retirement return). Sadly, Palmer got bombed on the last day and the Brew Crew took the AL East. Still, coming off a shaky Week One performance, Chambers knew his team would have to do much, much better against the well grounded Brents. Frank Gore paced the BC ground attack with his first all-pro game of the season (17 points) and Chambers also saw Torry Holt and Marques Colston score TD�s. Meanwhile, Owner Steve Johnson thought things looked good for his team�s first victory of the season after T.J. Houshmandzadeh enjoyed the outpouring of scoring in the Browns-Bengals encounter. TJ had 16 points and was supplemented by TD�s from Todd Heap and Joseph Addai, who each scored 11. Johnson had been worried that Drew Brees would overcome the lethargy that seemed to plague him in Week One, but Brees managed just 11 points (still 14 betters than his opening week). The Brents held a three point lead heading into Monday, mainly due to the efforts of gameball earning Lance Briggs (21 points - a season high for defenders and the second Brent D-flex all pro performance). Speaking of the Bears, when asked the playoff chase that was most memorable, Johnson noted, �I would say the [Bears], after decades of futility, finally winning it again. They had the #1 [Defense] and a top [Offense] in the league that year. I would say that, but I know it would fall in deaf ears. Who are you calling deaf? That was great. How would it end? Chambers answered, �Shoot if I know. Ask me about sportswriting or something else of low social value that I understand. Johnson was somewhat more conclusive, �To some extent. To have a resolution in mind is good, but let the characters get you there. The protagonist of the Monday night battle was Brents QB Donovan McNabb. He still seems to be adjusting to the puke green and yellow jersey and failed to score a TD. He did manage nine points, but largely ignored Reggie Brown (1 point). Meanwhile, the Monday BC�ers - RB Clinton Portis and TE Chris Cooley - each scored TD�s and ten points to ensure the team victory. Somehow, Chambers managed to pass over both of them when giving out his gameball to �Laron Landry. Though he is not a member of the Bull City squad, his last-second lick was representative of our late-scoring team. A bedraggled Johnson thought dynasties were good for sports because �to build a team that can last for years is almost impossible. Give teams a reason to build up a team and not just over pay for a one year shot at the crown. Chambers agreed mostly, �so long as the Cowboys are not one of them. He then summed things up by saying, �It was a good team effort. Everyone but Hines scored and we overcame the Vinatieri errors and Holt fumble. Johnson could just shake his head and whine, �I must have gone to the 'Norv Turner School of Game Day Prep' as I have not had my team ready to play. Depressing to watch. To actually think I had a chance to pull out a W with just one defensive stop or just one score on Monday night. I couldn't get either. Bull City upped their Week Two record to 8-2 while the Brents Week Two record fell to 7-2. Johnson noted, �I never thought my QB and RBs would be the ones dragging be down.
Peaks Island Wookies 130 Syracuse 44�s 98 The two teams that put their best feet forward in Week One met on the hollowed grounds in upper New England. It was a contrast in styles as Owner John Stoer used his ground attack and powerful defense, while Owner Will Mitchell used his mincing 49�er-style passing attack to stretch the field and score in bunches. While the former might work better in the actual NFL, in fantasy football it�s all about the minciness. The week started out well enough for the 44�s as Stoer gave his QB Brent Farf an extra Viagra and that seemed to make the senile, inbred, hillbilly moron QB perform that much longer. Farf scored 24 points for his first all pro performance in the new millennium but he hogged the ball (and the gameball) too much as usual. Farf�s handoffs were terrible and it really hurt the 44 rushing attack, which had been bolstered by the arrival of Larry Johnson in a late week trade. Shaun Alexander, who is used to terrible handing off from clipboard holder Matt Hasselback, was the only 44 to score a TD, but Johnson, Lamont Jordan, and Adrian Peterson did combine for 22 points sans TD�s. While the Wookie defense bent some but did not break, the Wookie offense was once again flying high. The Jon Kitna (snicker, snicker) led attack was in full strength as every member of the Peaks Island team�s offense scored a TD. They were led by Steve Smith, who broke Plaxico Burress� Week One record with 28 points on three TD�s. With Smith commanding double coverage in the second half, Randy Moss was able to run free and scored two TD�s of his own. Kitna�s personal favorites, Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson each scored ten points. Antonio Gates scored for the second consecutive week and Rudi Johnson kept the 44 defense honest with 12. Had Mitchell started Jamal Lewis (20 points), it could have been even worse. Of course, Stoer could have also started reclamation project Cadillac Williams (16 points), so the point is moot. Stoer lamented, �I was hoping the 44's would save me on the football front this week, and yet, I must say to the esteemed gentleman from Maine that, yes, I am your multi-sport fantasy bitch. Feel free to gloat, toke, chug, and then urinate on my pride. You the man! He was talking about the Turf World fantasy baseball league, which featured one of the most exciting playoff chases in fantasy history (13 teams all within reach of the playoffs at the end). However, for his most memorable playoff chase, Stoer remembered, �As a proud Syracuse alum, this is too easy, and it's not Melo leading us to the title. It's GMac and his four day span of last second heroics at MSG two years ago to lead us to back-to-back Big East titles. The best thing I've ever seen in sports, and an NCAA hoop version of a playoff chase, right?
P-Miss Envy 125 San Francisco Cubists 98 Owner Perry Missner is too old and too wise to let a Week One victory get him excited. His memorable Week One victory over the Cookies caused barely a ripple on that implacable Missner face. Unlike, say: �You never forget your first - and that would be the Cubs in 1984. I remember they beat the Pirates to clinch the division and Jim Frey ran out and took his shirt off (hard to erase that memory). The 1998 Cubs chase was also very memorable. The competition upped itself in Week Two with multi-platinum Grammy award Winner Owner Jason Moore. Moore has installed a West Coast style offense as a tribute to the late Bill Walsh. Moore noted, �Walsh was utmost innovator in NFL history, so I feel it is my duty - nay, my honor, to try to replicate everything he did. It appears that all of the offseason work that Tony Romo (who seemed destined to be a Cubist) and Chad Johnson did together paid off. Romo only had eyes for Ocho-Cinco and they two combined for a couple of gorgeous long range TD plays and 45 points. The rest of the Cubist offense: stymied. Perhaps it was the glare of benched Envy LB Ray Lewis who was madder than spit at not being in the game. That menacing look (and the sure tackling of Brian Urlacher (11 points)) seemed to unnerve Reggie Bush who was held to three points. Meanwhile, the Cubist defense put no pressure on Envy QB Carson Palmer who had plenty of time to survey the field and whip TD passes all afternoon long. Palmer produced six TD�s and 43 points (the highest score since 2005 when Daunte Culpepper had 45 points for the Bares). Missner said, �Carson Palmer, come on down. His excellence reminds me of the early days of the Envy when a pre-bionic Steve McNair scored six TD�s seemingly every weekend. Ah, the memory is the first thing to go. Palmer hit Kellen Winslow Jr. for his first TD in an Envy uniform and the ground attack earned its keep with Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee scoring in honor of the U. A happy Missner said, �Hard to fault anyone, except maybe me for benching Ray Lewis and holding Braylon Edwards down. Ernie Sims, you�ve been warned! With a kicker and two D-flex members to play on Monday, it would have taken a minor miracle for the Cubists to overcome the 45-point deficit. Clearly, Jesus was looking the other way (or possibly giving all his support to the Cleveland Browns) and a miracle did not ensue. The 2-0 start is clearly better than the Envy�s ruinous 2006 season, but a dynasty? Not hardly. On that topic, Missner claimed, �I think dynasties are good for casual sport fans and sports media, but for actually being good for the sport, I doubt it. The NFL model has every team (except maybe the Packers) having a chance at the playoffs. I like that. Imagine being a Pirate or Royal fan - you have no hope even before the season begins.
Red Herrings 110 Weaselicious Cookies 77 Owner Charlie Mitchell works in mysterious ways. Prior to his arrival in Modano at midseason, the sometimes reckless Mitchell wore an iron mask that had some onlookers believing he was a robot. We are assure you, he is flesh and blood. Yet, the Herring faithful had to wonder if Mitchell had a screw loose as he benched two keepers (Matt Hasselback and Shawne Merriman) and traded the team�s marquis player, Larry Johnson, for Brian Westbrook (and DeShaun Foster). Well, the screws are all in place as his master strategy seemed to work against the Cookies. Mitchell knew he might be in for a long day as he faced Tom Brady, but Brady does not seem to be all that he could be due to dissension with his coach. Owner Dan Weitz was promised five TD�s this week from Brady and the Pats� QB failed again. He was held to just three TD�s and 24 points in his second all pro performance. Behind the lockerroom doors, Weitz was heard screaming, �Yes, I know that you are a Madison Avenue pitchman and media darling, but that don�t mean [spit] to me. You give me my five TD�s or else I will send your [tootsie] to the bench. Of course, we are paraphrasing because the language uttered from Weitz�s mouth was so blue that it could make Courtney Love blush. Weitz was very happy with Marion Barber, who claimed the Cookie RB slot as his own with 17 points (otherwise known as 13 more points than the other RB and WR starters as well as new recruit TE Jason Witten). Mitchell benched Hasselback and put Jake Delhomme in. Even Mitchell expressed shock, �Delhomme gameball. Set the tone in replacing Hasselback. A complete surprise. Delhomme threw three TD strikes (25 points), two to Andre Johnson (20 points) and another to Ben Watson (9 points). There�s your ballgame. Neil Rackers chipped in 12 points and Brian Westbrook made his Herring debut a successful one with 10 points, all on yards. Mitchell exclaimed, �Welcome to the Herrings, Mr. Westbrook. The current Herring team is starting to remind Mitchell of �The 2001 Pats team - Snow Bowl, beating up the trash talking Steelers and then the Rams. Just so completely out of the blue after years of Pats stinking. Speaking of which, Mitchell added, �Dynasties are good for sports. Go Cheaters, er, I mean Pats. He also said, �Wookies > Cookies. For the Cookies, it was their 40th franchise blowout loss, second in the league to the Coroners at 43. For the Herrings, it was their first official win and Mitchell took the entire team out to Friendly�s for all you can eat wings night.
The Ballbusters 94 County Coroners 71 Since joining the league in 2003, Owner Rich Joseph had never really concerned himself with the County Coroners. He didn�t bother to scout them, he didn�t bother to meet Owner Chad Nuss, and he didn�t bother to worry about losing. All of that changed last year when the Coroners swept the Busters and damaged their championship hopes irreparably. Suddenly, the Buster camp was awash in Coroner game tape (just like they had been for the other eight teams) and Joseph had a reason to care about the bi-coastal match up. The gameplan was to use Peyton Manning as a decoy for the majority of the game and grind out a win. As is usual with hindsight, it worked perfectly. Manning had what was a subpar game for him (13 points), but he was able to set up his two main receivers Terrell Owens and Donald Driver for TD�s and Ahole �Put it on the Green managed to score his first TD in the new millennium (is this a trend?) Lofa Tatupu earned the gameball for his all pro defensive game, but Joseph gave Julius Peppers and his two measly points the anti-gameball. For Nuss, the Week Two results were ugly, but not quite as ugly as Week One. Marc Bulger improved his game to an all pro status with 15 points and Willie Parker also earned his keeper keep with 14 points, but that was about it. Kirk Morrison keyed the Coroner D-flex with 11 points. One main problem was that Nuss Oauoa-ed his lineup, leaving injured RB Brandon Jacobs in the lineup. The nearsighted eye of the media doesn�t see everything, but when you start injured players (and not game time decisions), the eye feels a need to point these things out. Vincent Jackson (three points) and Tony Gonzalez (two points) do not seem to be learning the Coroner offense as quickly as Nuss would have hoped. Perhaps a change from Bulger to Jeff Garcia (twenty bench points) might be the key for getting back to competitiveness. The Coroners also do not have a great history in Week Two�s. They fell to just 2-8 and have lost each of the last five Week Two encounters. Nuss blames the annual rush at work in September for causing his attention to wander from his charges, but it may also be that the County misses both Tickles Barber and Rich Gannon, who should definitely consider leaving the broadcast booth. Back to the Busters, they now have two solid wins and are 2-0 for the first time in franchise history. Joseph still did not feel the intensity of the game was up to a �Sox-Yanks one game playoff, but he summarized the team�s attitude in one quick word: �Yes.
Week 3 previews - First, there was Danny Ainge, then came Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson. Yes, two-sport stars. Now we have Owners Will Mitchell and Perry Missner. The two are facing off in the championship round of the Turf World baseball league and now they meet in Week Three of the Modano league. Missner said, �Well, well, well - Will and I doing battle across two sports with everything at stake. A championship in baseball and undefeated records in football. Being the greedy guy I am, I want to win both. He�ll have some history to overcome because the Wookies hold a 9-5 series edge and swept the Envy in 2006. Much like the Cubists, the Envy will be facing another crew of excellent receivers. Mitchell has placed one week wonder Jamal Lewis in the lineup and Missner has countered by adding Ray Lewis to his D-flex. Lewis, with just one arm, is still three times the man of any other player. Mitchell will also have new recruit Antonio Winfield assigned to blanketing Envy WR Reggie Wayne. The other undefeated team is The Ballbusters and they face the stunningly winless Brents. The Brents have won four of the last five meetings, even against old friend Peyton Manning, and hold a 5-3 series edge. Owner Steve Johnson said, �I need to win now, but the road doesn't get any easier. The Busters are undefeated for a reason. They have a damn good team and know how to win. Ah, the �know how to win play out of the Bill Maas playbook. Nicely done. Johnson has juggled his lineup and hopes that Matt Schaub can be a spark against the Colts defense. He has also placed Ronald Curry in the lineup in a move of desperation. Owner Rich Joseph signed Barrett Ruud for a reason - to tackle LT. So, he is in the lineup. The 44�s and Herrings have split their opening games and face each other in Week Three. Owner John Stoer said, �My promise for week three, �Pain!� Ah, straight from the Clubber Lang playbook. Stoer long had a disinterested/mildly intrigued relationship with former-44 Brian Westbrook, but he full on in love with Larry Johnson. Each player will meet his former team. This will be the teams� first official meeting, but as Owner Charlie Mitchell was the interim coach of the Horde last year, he won a stunning 96-77 defeat of the 44�s in Week 11. The last two games on the lineup card feature the two winningest teams in league history against the two losingest teams. Both games could have a piece of history to them. Owner Randy Chambers has his team on the precipice of being the first Modano franchise with 100 wins. The Bull City owns a 13-5 series edge, but the teams have split in each of three years. Chambers said, �Whoever made this schedule has it in for me. If we can get to 2-1, I will be one happy hombre. Like there is an easy week ever in Modano land. This is the majors, Mr. Chambers! Neither team has made any changes to their lineup at press time, but Owner Chad Nuss had better take Brandon Jacobs out of the lineup or else face the wrath of God himself. Despite holding a 10-6 series edge over the Cookies, Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists have only defeated the team from Weaselicious once in the last two years. How is this possible? In 2005 and 2006, Moore had the fortune (or misfortune, depending on how you look at it) to meet the Cookies only once per year in Week Nine. In 2006, the Cookies won handily 89-58. Moore has not forgotten. He hopes Tony Romo can keep up the fine play against his number one fan and the tenacious Bear defense. Meanwhile both owners hope that their 2006 darlings - the Cubist Reggie Bush and Cookies Maurice Jones-Drew - remember that the season has started and they had better start producing.
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