San Francisco Cubists 96 Big Bad Bretts 71 16 weeks of hard fought, scrappy, and often times quite lucky football had been played by these two past champions. Week in and week out, these two storied franchises made the right calls on player/personnel match-ups and never failed to improve their clubs through judicious and timely use of the waiver wire. And, as 70�s rock icon Bob Seger would say, �they�ve got one thing in common, they got the fire down below.� Both owners hungered for this �07 title, for Cubists owner Jason Moore, it would be his record-setting 5th Modano crown, for Bretts owner Steve Johnson, it would be back-to-back titles and the beginning of a Brett dynasty. While both owners relied on their passion for victory, they also both employed super-evil weapons to help them attain their lofty positions a top the league. For the Bretts, it was namesake and Axis-of-Evil founder, the inbred hillbilly moron Brett Favre who ran his �07 campaign. The team MVP for Johnson�s green-and-gold Bretts, Favre went undrafted, and then was sent to the Bretts by the annually short-sighted 44�s in the first half of the season. Favre went on to great things and was often seen giggling maniacally on the sidelines as resident Brett fan Will Smith taunted the opposition after Favre had thrown yet another TD. Unfortunately for Johnson and every fan in the enormous Brett-nation, Favre was mysteriously on the bench for this crucial week 17 title matchup. As the only Brett to put up an all-pro day with 16 points, he earned Johnson�s gameball in a losing effort as the Cubists rolled to a 25 point victory. The win did indeed guarantee the Cubists another Modano league title and it also avenged their earlier 51 point loss to the Bretts. A disconsolate Johnson said after the painful loss, �Week 17 championships stink. I have to admit it stings a little bit, but it was a great season that went down to the wire and you just have to hand it to Moore as he did everything right in the second half and proved why he is the class of the league.� Sage Rosenfels took over for Favre and scored a respectable 7 points, but RB Kenton Keith was a no-show as a replacement for Joseph Addai. With the bulk of the load squarely then on the shoulders of RB�s Steven Jackson and LaDanian Tomlinson, the usually outstanding duo crumbled under the weight of such heavy expectation and managed a mere 10 points combined. On the other hand, the blue and green clad Cubists were hitting on all cylinders as Moore pushed all the right buttons in fielding replacements for his week 17 squad. Both of the new RB�s in the Cubist lineup, Dominic Rhodes and Darius Walker, outscored the SJax/LT combo individually, scoring 13 and 11 respectively. Stud WR Brandon Marshall, who has been in and out of the starting lineup this season, put up an all-pro 15 and the only Cubist keeper to play on the day, Ocho Sinco, danced and taunted his way to 20 point, earning a gameball and a kiss from long time Cubist supporter, the beautiful actress Diane Lane. Even new TE Tony Scheffler scored a TD and had 9 points. About the only play that Moore misjudged was that of RB TJ Duckett who earned some scorn, but he didn�t care as the champagne flowed over his head and he was getting fitted for a championship ring. Said Moore in a triumphant Cubist locker room, �The offense came up huge. If Dominic Rhodes and Darius Walker outscore LT and S-Jax, you know it must be week 17. Kudos to the Bretts on a great year but not quite enough good fortune.� Yes Karma was definitely in the Cubist locker room on this day, and was seen amidst the post-game celebration making out with her greatest disciple, the infantile QB Tony Romo. Romo, who wisely sat out the championship game after peeing himself all week in practice at the mere thought of playing, is clearly the luckiest no-talent slob in the league. His luck continued as Jessica Simpson walked into the Cubist locker room and instigated the greatest cat-fight in history as she and Karma went at it in all their hair-pulling glory. When Diane Lane entered, on Moore�s arm, and tried to put a stop to fight, the two love-crazed women just pulled her into the melee and all three proceeded to scratch and claw and shred, which prompted defensive MVP DeMeco Ryans to say, �I love this team!�, and offensive MVP Tony Romo to sit back, smile, and take pictures with his cell phone. Yes, everything went well for Jason Moore and his Cubists on the final week of the �07 season. While the love orgy continued into the wee hours in the Cubist locker room, a disappointed Johnson wandered around the barren upper deck concourse looking for Baron Von Raschke�s rumored wiener stand and wondered about what might have been. For the rest of the world, we were treated to two evenly matched champions doing battle on the final Sunday of the season. To illustrate how even these two teams were all season, the Bretts outscored the Cubists by two points over seventeen weeks, 1521 to 1519, and allowed one more point, 1363 to 1362. But at 12-5, one game better than the Bretts 11-6, the Cubists hold the league�s best record at the end of the season and are the 2007 Modano Champions!!!
P-Miss Envy 82 Ballbusters 55 For owner Perry Missner, 2007 was a tale of two seasons. After opening the season 8-1 and holding a comfortable lead, the Envy collapsed during the second half of the year, going 1-6 and falling out of title contention. So their week 17 matchup against long time fantasy rival Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters was little more than salt in an already irritated wound for Missner. Still, Missner is not one to wallow in misery and he did his best to rally his troops for the game, telling them that sweeping the Busters, while not the same as, say, playing for a title, was still an achievement worthy of admiration. So as they trotted out in their traditional all-black uniforms with those fire lit green eyes glinting off their helmets, a deranged Missner, doing his best Tracy Morgan impression, was heard shouting, �No, Palmer, you�re on the bench pal. You too, McGahee. Where�s Gary Russell? I want Gary Russell in there now!!� All the players and coaches stared blankly since no one on the team had ever heard of Gary Russell, but then a fan from the front row held up his hand and said his name was Gary Russell. Missner pulled him from the stands, suited him up, and put him in the starting lineup, much to the amazement of everyone involved. Another surprise starter was Missner�s poorly designed Adrian Peterson clone. Not satisfied with his changes, Missner grabbed a beer vendor named Igor Olshansky and reassigned him to the defensive line, but when Olshanky said he never went anywhere without his twin brother and peanut vendor, Brandon McGowan, Missner simply put them both in the lineup told them to hit people. This unconventional strategy confused many of the Envy players and staff, but it thoroughly confused the Ballbusters who were no match for the crazed Envy as the Envy did in fact complete their season sweep of the Ballbusters. They were led by RB Edgerrin James who earned a gameball for his 14 points. Substitute QB Todd Collins added 11 and WR Braylon Edwards cemented the victory with 10. Meanwhile, fan turned RB Gary Russell rushed for 20 yards and 1 point leading Missner to question his own instincts. Those instincts made Carson Palmer the number 1 pick in the �07 Entry Draft and while Palmer earned team MVP honors, a disgruntled Palmer put up 25 frustrated points from the bench and called out his coaching staff after the game, saying he wasn�t sure he�d able to win championships under the current situation. Team mother and celebrity hanger-on Nell Carter immediately crushed Palmer to her ample chest and said, �Hush now, don�t be runnin� yo� mouth like that sweet child. Let Nell make it all better,� and she then proceeded to hug Palmer almost lifeless. Missner quickly rushed his MVP QB to the hospital and then gave Carter a lifetime ban from the locker room. Missner was happy to return and actually comment on the game that had been played, saying �When I saw Rich was starting Cleo Lemon, I raised my fist in victory because I knew this was a done deal. It was nice to get one sweep after our rousing first half and this will springboard us to better things in 2008. Congrats to Jamo on an incredible championship (shades of the 1999 Monsoon). He had better not rest on his laurels this off-season because we are going to be game-planning starting now.� One assumes that part of that game-planning will entail bringing back defensive MVP and soul of the Envy LB Brian Urlacher, though rumors floating out of Syracuse say that Urlacher may be very happy with his new team and angling for a coveted keeper position in Syracuse. As for Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters, the �07 season is finally over and he can get back to what he really loves and that is following his beloved Red Sox. A quick text message from the passionate owner said that he was pleased with his Busters late season surge, happy with the play of Manning, Owens, and his Packers, but that he couldn�t really talk right now as he was in a limo full of hookers and cash and was headed to Johan Santana�s house to have a �talk� with the Twins pitcher. The Buster loss and Envy win gave them equal 10-7 records on the season, but the coveted Envy sweep ensures that the Busters will draft before the Envy in next season�s �08 Entry draft. And, really, that was sadly all either team had to play for on this final week of the �07 season after treating their fans to solid seasons. As Missner said though, perhaps this glimpse of championship aspirations will help springboard their clubs to an �08 title.
The Bull City 80 Syracuse 44�s 79 For Randy Chambers Bull City squad, their season played out as a mirror image to Missner�s Envy. When they opened the season 1-6 behind some atrocious play by their keeper QB Drew Brees, Chambers contemplated pulling the plug on the entire Brees experiment with the determined BC club. The suddenly in week 7, Brees rediscovered what it was like to be a QB (a motivational speech from ex-Durham star Nuke LaLoosh said to be a factor) and from then on, the Bull City went on a tear. After their week 17 win over their high school rival 44�s, the Bull City played their final 10 games with a 7-3 record and renewed Chambers hope for a future title. While Brees and his 19 final week points would have normally secured a game ball from his owner, instead Chambers gave his game ball to fellow owner Jason Moore of the Cubists for his inspired last week maneuvering. Even if he hadn�t given it to Brees, WR Marques Colston would have been a fine choice with is 18 points or even RB Clinton Portis and his 16 would have sufficed. Portis was named the BC offensive MVP for the year as the ever-subtle Chambers said, �Clinton in �07, need I say more?� While Chambers was quite taken with Clinton and hopes for great things in �08, one thing he is certainly going to take a look at in the off-season is the play of his erratic defense. Chambers commented, �My defense was atrocious, again. I guarantee wholesale changes on D in '08 after sticking with the same group for the last few years.� Still, Chambers complimented one of his defenders on helping to seal the win in style, saying, �It was fitting that Bulluck's last tackle sank his alma mater. In spite of Brees and Colston running up points in a game the Saints needed to lose, my hat is off to Clinton Portis. A tough keeper choice after his injury-plagued 2006, Clinton was marvelous down the stretch. Of course, we let Brees call the plays this week so I could watch the Modano bowl and marvel at Jamo's run for the thumb. It's good to see the trophy back in Sidwell hands.� While the burgundy and purple clad Bulluck sank the 44�s with 2 points, 44�s owner John Stoer didn�t seem to care. He was pleased to see his QB, Donovan McNabb put up 14 points, and was elated to see his dynamic defensive duo of Patrick Willis and Brian Urlacher total a studly 27 together. Still, for Stoer and his all-orange clad 44�s this final game was a way to pay tribute to slain defender Sean Taylor. Inserted into the starting lineup as a tribute, Stoer noted, �I�m actually kind of happy we lost by one point. It just illustrates Taylor�s absence all the more. He was terrific for me this season, and I was hoping he would be a mainstay of the 44�s defense for years to come, but alas, it is not meant to be. Hopefully my young players will learn from this season and take it to the next level next year.� Two of those young players, offensive MVP Adrian Peterson and defensive MVP Patrick Willis, were rookies in �07 and Stoer will certainly look for even more out of them in the future. But after leading the league in scoring for the first time one has to wonder how much more Stoer can get from his team. The 44�s became the first team in league history to lead the league in total points scored as well as total points allowed. While they edged the Bretts by 2 points in points for, they allowed almost 200 more points than Johnson�s club. Said Stoer while commenting about his chances in �08, �I know I can always count on the unwavering support of our long time fan Danica McKellar, and hopefully she can help me woo Karma over to our side next season.� It sounds like Stoer is attempting to recreate a little Cubist magic there, and even just the attempt sounds like a win-win situation. For The Bull City, a long and frustrating season came to a satisfactory conclusion and they put the league on notice that they will return in �08 prepared to return to their natural spot at the head of the league.
County Coroners 74 Red Herrings 63 While Chad Nuss and his Coroners have been spurned by Karma on more than one occasion, the �07 season was another story altogether. After piecing together a solid roster, Nuss found himself disgusted week after week as his player�s only consistency was their inconsistency. Half of his team would play great one week, then disappear the next. They would put it all together, only to run into a steam-rolling opposition. At 4-12 and virtually assured of the number 1 pick in �08, Nuss finally had enough and said screw it. Frustrated and tired and looking for anything to distract him from his misery, Nuss turned to QB JaMarcus Russell and said, �Go win me a football game.� And with those six little words, so began the true Coroner career of Little Baby Jesus. LBJ strapped on the silver and black and then went 23 of 31 for 224 and a TD, with only two turnovers holding him to his less than beatific 7 points. Still it was enough to impress his owner as Nuss gave LBJ the gameball and an assurance that even if he is not kept by the Coroners in the off-season, he will surely be selected by them in the �08 draft. Karma would certainly reign down plague and misfortune to anyone who came in between Nuss and the young son of God, no? But as a true sign of his burgeoning power, Russell made those around him even better. The ManBeast ran for a healthy 12 points and Thomas Jones looked downright resurrected with 13. Where has that been all year? Said one fan of the silver and black, �If we�d been playing for a title, I�m sure Russell would have healed Willie Parker�s leg so he could have played.� While Nuss singled out Hall-of-Fame TE Tony Gonzalez for scorn this week, Gonzalez has been a lone consistent force for the Coroners this season. The win jumped the Coroners to 5-12 and amazingly enough brought their week 17 record to 8-2. Nobody wants to play the Coroners in week 17. That task this season though fell to Charlie Mitchell and his Herrings. It�s been an up-and-down season for Mitchell in his first full season in Modano play. He�s been led by his MVP RB Brian Westbrook all season, but the smallish back has worn down by this point and only managed 5 points. In fact it was number 1 pick Lawrence Maroney who led the Herrings on this day with an all-pro 15 points. Where has that been all year? Oh yeah, watching Tom Brady like the rest of us. Still, there were some high points for the Herrings this season, led of course, by the dynamic pop sensation Hasselbracket. They took week 17 off so they could plan their Spring tour of college campuses, but new gun-slinging QB Derek Anderson was more than happy to fill in with 8 points, earning some respect from Mitchell who commented on the season of his silver and red clad Herrings, �We fell short of all team goals, but we did bring in Westbrook and maybe discovered a QB keeper in Anderson, so all is not lost.� No, an 8-9 record in a first full season that pulls in fans like Shakira can hardly be considered a failure. And as for the Coroners, �07 was another season of frustration, but like their most famous supporter 50 Cent, they will look to rebound and defy all the skeptics next season.
Wookies 59 Cookies 58 Modano League Football is always looking for the �next thing�, whatever that may be. Experimentation and cutting edge technology has kept Modano one step ahead of its competition for years. Owners have come and gone, but a playful rule here and a whimsical rule there has kept the league fresh and inventive for all involved. Well, in week 17, owners Will Mitchell and Dan Weitz took it a step further and attempted to push the boundaries of fantasy football as we know it. Taking a page from the inspired NHL rule that allows for 4-on-4 hockey that frees up space on the ice and opens the freedom of play, Mitchell and Weitz each decided before their meaningless week 17 matchup to lower their roster of available scoring players from the standard Modano format of 11 to a less-traditional 8. For Will Mitchell�s Wookies, who incidentally won the game, they played inactive players RB Kevin Jones, LB Ray Lewis, and DB Ronde Barber. All three were happy to sit on the beanbag chairs littering the Wookies sidelines these days and pass a joint around as they watched WR Randy Moss run around between tokes for an all-pro 18 points. K Josh Brown knocked in a few FG�s when the other guys got too tired or lazy to keep playing. They looked and acted much like a college frisbee team, care-free and joyous. As for the Cookies, planetary MVP Tom Brady scored 23 points and walked out of the Cookie locker room in disgust after the game without saying a word or giving his owner the slightest glance. Weitz sat RB Jones-Drew and WR Joey Galloway, and was planning on sitting wheelchair bound LB Mike Peterson to even the squads at 8 players, but instead he sent Peterson out onto the field for a 6th straight week with a destroyed knee. At seeing this travesty befall one of their team mates, the Cookies failed to put any type of effort together at all in protest to their owner�s actions. Excluding Brady, the Cookies totaled 145 yards from scrimmage and 1 TD out of their remaining starters, while backup RB DeAngelo Williams had 121 yards and two TD�s by himself from the bench. After the game, the lawyer for Mike Peterson and a couple of police officers entered a mostly deserted Cookie locker room and told Weitz that he was under arrest. When Weitz asked what the charge was, the officer told him that it was criminal negligence as he slapped the cuffs on the startled owner. As Weitz was being placed in the squad car, a broken and angry Peterson gave his owner the finger and yelled that he would never play for him again as long as he lived. While the evidence against Weitz seems pretty damning, judicial process needs to be adhered to and time will only tell what will happen to one of the founding fathers of Modano football. It�s a cliffhanger worthy of a poor, sad, daytime soap opera and not how the �07 Modano season should be remembered. Still, one can only wonder what extra charges would have been levied against the Cookie owner if he had been playing either the Cubists or Bretts in the final week with a championship in the balance. Fortunately for league integrity, Karma smiled upon the schedule maker this season, and we all benefited from a fine final week.
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