Brentful Brents 69 P-Miss Envy 64 The theory of the few remaining fans of the P-Miss Envy is maybe the team would be better off without the Owner, Perry Missner. The Envy’s two best seasons have come when Missner took leave of his cubbyhole and let the players work out the plays and strategies on their own. He seems to like monkeying with the works and his “motivational messages” seem to have really messed up the head of one Carson Palmer. Missner was so disenchanted with Palmer that he benched the 14-game starter in lieu of Vince Young. A jubilant Owner Steve Johnson, who has his own championship aspirations to worry about, thought the benching was gutsy, somewhat inspired, and almost completely without rational thought. Of course, Johnson also believed that Missner cut Envy long time favorite Brian Urlacher because of a lover’s spat. The cutting, in fact, with prompting from the media caused the league-wide rumor mill to go into overdrive. Some owners believed that Missner knew that Owner John Stoer would claim Urlacher on waivers and have a record setting day. Missner had no such knowledge. Owner Rich Joseph thought that Urlacher might be getting old and figured Missner had lost his marbles when he named his fantasy basketball team the P-double-R and 2B dribbling crew. That is a name that should be rectified. Owner Randy Chambers thought it might have been something to do with “the 200 pound package of HGH that was delivered to Urlacher's locker last week.” Of course, that package was actually for F.P. Santangelo. One side of the story did come out when Missner addressed the media: “After his gameball winning performance in Week 15, Brian and his agent Drew Rosenhaus scheduled a meeting on my calendar. In said meeting they made all sorts of outrageous demands – Brian wanted out of latrine duty, he wanted his own locker, he wanted to call the blitz coverage – these are things that have never been done in Envy history by anyone other than me and I let Brian and Drew know. It got pretty heated and spittle (mostly Drew’s) was flying. In the end, I told Brian he needed to shape up or ship out. Upon receiving a terse email from Drew, I made one condition on their new team – no Brents.” Johnson reportedly made offers to Stoer after the waiver claim to pick up the league’s best defensive player ever, but Stoer and Urlacher held true. With Missner combating the media pressure caused by the Urlacher imbroglio, he had no time to give Young the playbook. Young clearly had no idea what he was doing on the field and scored -1. Missner shouted, “Vince Young [was disappointing]. Carson Palmer was his usual lousiness, but Young was supposed to be better and all he does is match Farf. Vs. the Jets. That is not a good way to earn a roster spot. Seeya!” While Young was bad, he was no worse than Brent Farf who for nth time in his career couldn’t figure out the difference between his own players and the defense. For a short time, Farf even thought Urlacher was on his squad. Despite Young’s horrendous play, the Envy forged a minimal lead behind TD’s from Marshawn Lynch, Reggie Wayne, and Braylon Edwards (who scored a pair). The new and completely dispirited Envy D scored seven points. The Brents were able to keep the score close by virtue of TD’s by T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Steven Jackson, and Joseph Addai. The sun fell on Sunday and the Envy held an eight-point lead with LaDainian Tomlinson left to play. Tomlinson who scores eight points in his sleep, put Missner to bed early with a first quarter TD. Missner noted glumly, “For the second week in a row, we needed a prayer on Monday to come true. I knew Christmas was a farce, but couldn’t LT have waited a bit longer to dash the Envy’s hopes? We’ve played like crap in the stretch run, but this does set up a delicious Brents-Cubists battle for everything. Week 17 is always interesting.” As he watched LT, a gameball earner, break the plane, Johnson took off his pants and began running in circle, waving his pants around. After he got dizzy and stopped running in circles, he said, “Perry used his new found Voodoo connects to conjure up a storm for his worst enemy Farf. The effects racked his team as well .. and only a power like Urlacher would have held the team together.” Although the Envy lost the battle, the Bears won the war. 35-7 and all is right again.
San Francisco Cubists 76 Peaks Island Wookies 43 In Week 16, Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists needed to reassure the Bay Area that they were not going to suffer an Envy-like collapse. After being thoroughly humiliated in Week 15 by the hot-n-cold Syracuse 44’s, the Cubists needed a win to keep their share of first place. Fortunately, the only thing that could keep them from victory was getting too much of a contact high from the better-hazy-than-never Wookies. So powerful was this week’s marijuana cloud emanating from the Wookie locker room that Owner Will Mitchell actually bridged the gap between the warring factions of his team. With the blaring soundtrack of “Everybody Must Get Stoned,” even holier-than-thou QB Jon Kitna was baked out his mind. The only Wookie to go pretty much unaffected by the team’s reefer madness was Randy Moss who scored a pair of TD’s and was fined by the NFL for lighting up a roach in the endzone after the second TD. The rest of the team spent the 2.5 hours on the field just giggling and uttering sentences of apparent significance. Moore decided to spend the game in the pressbox so that he could remain clear headed. The tactic worked and he noted, “Dallas Clark outscored Randy Moss--what more can I say?” Clark had 17 points, trumping Moss by two. Tony Romo overcame a sprained thumb and the goggling of blonde starlets to score 11 (and ChesTay did not even play), a figure that was matched by K Nate Kaeding. The rest of the Cubists’ offensive squad was clearly looking ahead in the schedule, but they did not need to bring their A-game against the hapless Wookies. Moore was still not pleased by the two-point performance of Michael Boley and said in no uncertain terms, “Linebackers on bad teams should get more than 2 tackles.” The Wookies had been playing some competitive games and had not been blown out since Week 6 (pre-Ricky Williams era), but they fell to 6-11 against the Cubists and were swept this year. The Cubists won in blowout fashion for the 6th time this season and the Wookies were their fourth opponent to score less than 50 points. That’s good defense! Or something. Ever the perfectionist, Moore had hoped his team would look better heading into their championship battle with the Brents, but he commented, “Thanks to the Lions for taking the week off. It wasn't pretty, but we survived.”
The Ballbusters 87 Weaselicious Cookies 72 Owner Rich Joseph knew he would need some help to achieve his second championship in his Modano stint. Because the Busters started slow, they needed every bit of their six game late season winning streak to stake their claim as the best team. Yet, when the Brents and Cubists won, the Busters were effectively eliminated from 2007 championship glory. It didn’t hurt that Joseph figured he was a sure winner in Week 16 because Owner Dan Weitz has abandoned his team. While it took awhile for Weitz’s departure to be noticed, rumors had been gurgling around the league as to what had set the league’s all time losingest owner to finally cut bait. Joseph surmised, “He knows he done!” While other owners believed it had something to do with Weitz’s preoccupation/loathing of his all-intergalactic QB Tom Brady. Owner Jason Moore suggested, “A deep-seated hatred of Tom Brady” and then offered Darren Sproles for the Patriots QB straight up. Owner Steve Johnson thought it was because Weitz was “obsessed with Brady's sex kittens” and his amazing ability to impregnate them. League conspiracy developer Owner John Stoer said, “This ties in to my long held theory that Dan and the Einar are actually one and the same person and a leopard can not change his spots.” That may have been insulting to Weitz, Owner Randy Chambers was even more damning, “The usual lengthy year-end menstruation. Kick him out, I say.” But he’s a founding father! When one wants to know the truth, one should just ask Owner Perry Missner, who came up with this gem: “From what I hear, Dan has finally decided to emulate the great Rob Ouaou and think about humanity and its place in the universe on a mountain peak in Nepal. The rest of us usually do these things in the offseason.” All good thoughts, but actually in a scene captured by the non-traditional media, some jerk near the Cookie campus just happened to have his camera phone running and caught tape of Weitz throwing his playbook down, destroying his computer, and somehow blaming Microsoft for all his troubles. Whatever the case, the Cookies needed their leader in the last stretch of the season, but were sent on a downward spiral (losing five of six) in his absence. Tom Brady, Marion Barber, and Maurice Jones-Drew – the presumptive Cookie keepers if Weitz can be located in time – combined to score 44 of the team’s 72 points. Joseph gave the gameball to Peyton Manning for his 28 points and was relatively happy with Jared Allen and his 12-point game. Mason Crosby managed just a point in the swirling winds of Soldier Field as the Packers were swept by the Bears in a 35-7 rout. Amazingly, the Cookies still lead the league in TD’s with 90. What could have been. Had ties not been abolished in the offeseason, Joseph would still have something to play for in Week 17. Now? Not.
Red Herrings 79 The Bull City 77 Each year only one team the Modano championship. Yes, yes, we know Randy, there were co-champs in 2003, but that was due to a freak of luck and scheduling. Yet, even when a team is out of championship contention, they can still have goals. Some teams like to play for the first pick in the draft and then lose again the next season. For the Herrings and The Bull City, Week 16 represented a chance to get back to .500 and perhaps even have a winning season. Neither team had had a losing season before, but that was more historically significant for Owner Randy Chambers, who had never endured more losses than wins. Owner Charlie Mitchell, who has seen his team besieged with injuries all year long, had to deal with two more hurt players. He pleaded with Justin Fargas and Ben Watson to take the field, but neither won would. Fortunately, his other guys were up to the task. Anquan Boldin led the way with 22 points and Andre Johnson also found the endzone. Laurence Maroney finally proved he might have been worth a pick before Tom Brady by rushing for an all-pro 16 points. Mitchell noted that Boldin and Maroney were “both making last minute cases to be keepers.” Derek Anderson had an off game with four interceptions but was able to put eight points on the board. Mitchell was not so pleased by his defense, which combined for 13 points. The Bull City was able to keep pace by relying on their ground attack. Clinton Portis won the gameball for his 20 points and Frank Gore scored 13. The passing attack was not very potent. Drew Brees managed just six points – a figure matched by the vaunted threesome of Marques Colston, Torry Holt, and Hines Ward. (Meanwhile, benched receivers Kevin Curtis and Jericho Cotchery both had all-pro games.) Chris Cooley and Adam Vinatieri outscored all three receivers with eight points apiece. Like Mitchell, Chambers was not pleased by his defense: “Two picks, and we still cannot muster more than 16 points?! Tackle someone, please.” Donnie Edwards might be showing his age with just three points. A saddened Chambers said, “What a heartbreaker to lose our bid for a 10th consecutive winning season on a week when only two teams broke 80 points, and we posted 77, and tackled like a bunch of sissies.” The Herrings reached 8-8 mainly due to Mitchell’s steely determination – that is the only way to explain the team’s 4-0 record in games decided by less than ten points. Mitchell said, “I'm happy to be at .500, so I'll give you my favorite name - The Dayton Yo'Mamas.”
Syracuse 44’s 119 County Coroners 72 [the following recap was taped as Cookie Monster announced the 44’s thrashing of the Coroners] Hello! Me Cookie Monster and me want to say that me love football. Me love coin toss. Me love shoulder pads. And me especially love the spread in the pressroom. Syracuse owner give us sammiches, juice, some green stuff, and me favorite – cookies! Yes, me love chocolaty chippity cookies, but me wait to eat them until later. Me also love to see Donovan McNabb play good. Me hear that he earn game ball for his 25 points and 44 defense play good too. That Brian Urlacher is great and Patrick Willis. Watchoo talkin’ about, Willis? Ha ha ha. Those guys played like cookies (not Cookies) to combine for a delicious 41 points. Me like to see touchdowns too. Urlacher had one, McNabb had three, and Santana “Macadamia Nut” Moss also had one. Fred “Crumbling Cookie” Taylor found pay dirt and Kenny “Elementary” Watson scored a scrumptious TD. Wow, who knew Cookie Monster could hand out nicknames like Chris Berman? Speaking of TD’s, did you realize that the Coroners had not scored more than three TD’s since Week Five. That cause Owner Chad Nuss and his team to lose eight of their last nine games. Poor Nussy, maybe he need a cookie to lift his spirits. Sorry, Chad, me eat them all. Umm-numm-numm! Cookie Monster have lots of hidden talents and me do not want to be typecast as just a monster who loves cookies. Yes, I do love cookies (but not Cookies), but me think it is a shame that Heath Miller and Matt Stover not score more points. Still, me think it impressive that 44’s have the second high scoring average and have scored in triple-digits in four of the last five games (and seven times this season overall). Me think Owner John Stoer was just being nice when he said, “Uber-rook picked a perfect week to ease up.” Me think he talking about Adrian Peterson, but me think he may have meant Marshawn Lynch. Me confused. Me do feel bad for Willie Parker who broke his leg before scoring any points. Poor Nussy. Me think Brandon Jacobs have good game (21 points), but me think that Nussy be picking early in the draft – again. Now I wish that I not eat all the cookies (not Cookies), so me could share with Nussy. Umm-numm-numm! Stoer say true: “Just like ARod, we are playing our best ball after we've been eliminated from contention. Donovan is a true leader, a man amongst men, and his performance this week may have cemented his spot atop our '08 roster.”
Week Seventeen previews - I think there are a few words uttered by a wise man in a long forgotten movie that are particularly appropriate to the Week 17 battle for everything between the Cubists and Brents: “Hold onto your butt.” Yes, in a world where the trivial has become commonplace, there is nothing trivial about this game and the fate of the universe may be on the line. It looks like Owner Steve Johnson may have clinched his second consecutive championship with one simple move: the benching of Brent Farf. The inbred hillbilly moron was reportedly livid that Johnson would dare to break his start streak for something as meaningless as the universe. Johnson has named David Garrard (who scored 22 points off the bench in Week 16) and has surrounded him with players. Not household names mind you, but this is Week 17. Samkon Gado has been released from wherever he was being held and Roddy White brings his gamesmanship to the field. Johnson said, “What a perfect way to end the season. When has a weak 17 game meant anything in years and now it is for the whole shooting match. Hats off to my rival this week as he built a winner this year.” Moore replied, “Tough to have it all come down to a week where so many good players will be resting, but thankful we don't have to face Tomlinson and Addai. We'll just have to fill in some holes and see how it turns out.” Tomlinson and Addai combined for 30 points in the Brents 112-61 mushing of the Cubists in Week 8. Donovan McNabb also realized the importance of the game and came up with 17. The Cubists lineup is filled with strange name – Marc Bulger, T.J. Duckett, Dominic Rhodes, and Darius Walker. The Cubists lead the series 10-6. The other four games on the schedule are just that – four other games, being played for pride. It will be interesting to see if the Envy have any pride left after completely collapsing in the season’s second half. They face the Busters who they demolished in Week 8 (94-62) behind three all-pro receiving performances. Owner Perry Missner dumped Vince Young for Todd Collins, the ultimate system QB (Brad Johnson, excluded) and has brought on a new defense, another guy named Adrian Peterson, and Aaron Stecker. Owner Rich Joseph trumped all of those moves by signing Najeh Davenport, who will undoubtedly crap in the wrong place. Many of the Buster starters may play limited minutes. Missner said, “Week 17 is always interesting, but this year it is really special. We’re playing for 3rd place and we are going to do our best to knock the crap out of Jim Sorgi. Expect a new defense and a new QB.” I already mentioned that! The Busters hold a 3-4 series edge. The 44’s hope to get back over the .500 hump for the season and in their franchise history when they face their old rivals The Bull City. Owner Randy Chambers said, After we whimper home with our first second division finish of the millenium and first-ever losing record, I can assure you there will be some serious changes. More 'roids and HGH and less coddling of unproductive veterans, for starters. It's time to shake up some Bull, Steinbrenner-style.” Whew, he sounds serious. Much like he was in Week 8 when his team womped the 44’s by a 112-43 margin. The BC has generally had their way with their friend from the North, winning 13 times in 17 meetings. Chambers has not made any changes to his lineup, but Stoer has inserted Julian Peterson and Kolby Smith. Stoer said, “I truly felt that I assembled a championship level squad this season, but our inability to consistently overcome our injuries is going to leave us hovering around .500 yet again. Best of luck to the title contenders, it should be an exciting final week.” The Herrings are also vying to be an above. 500 team as they face the Coroners, who are trying to clinch the top pick (Darren McFadden?) in the 2008 draft. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “First full year in the league was a good one and I'd love to finish over .500.” Yes, yes, I already mentioned that. Mitchell’s team served up a Red Herring special in Week 8 by nipping the Coroners by two points. Derek Anderson and Brian Westbrook combined for 44 points. Neither team has changed their lineup? Cookies vs. Wookies? Eh – air vs. smoke. Let’s see who wins?
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