Red Herrings 96 P-Miss Envy 70 All championship teams know that a season is long and that to succeed you need to have the proper winning mentality week after brutal week. It�s difficult to maintain such rigid focus, and only the very best teams are able to accomplish the challenging task. Owner Perry Missner has watched with horror as his team has lost all sense of focus as this Modano season winds down, and week 15 was no different as his Envy were thoroughly routed by the musical Herrings. Now losers of three straight and five of their last six, the Envy dropped to 9-6 and a tie for third place. While many believe that this string of bad games stems from Missner�s callous abandonment of his Wisconsin faithful and their snow covered field, it�s far more likely that the Envy, much like Missner�s beloved Bears, are simply missing the leadership that a strong quarterback brings. Carson Palmer, the #1 pick of the �07 Modano draft has been a clear disappointment and after the week 15 loss, Missner finally vented his long repressed feelings about the play of Palmer saying, �OK, let's say you've got a QB you took in the first round and he has games against the Rams and 49ers. You'd expect a pair of all-pro performances, right? Not six lousy [^$&**&] points. Here are five words I hoped I wouldn't have to say: Palmer, sit on the bench.� Palmer actually managed 14 points in the loss, a total only surpassed by LB Brian Urlacher who earned a gameball with his 17 point defensive effort. Missner thanked Urlacher for his �devotion to the Envy�, then, in a move that reeks of desperation, he sent the long-time Envy defender to the hand-crafted, tech-savvy Termination Super Computer. A gameball and a pink slip in one afternoon, ouch! If there was blame to be passed around for the loss, perhaps some should have gone to the Wondertwins who continued to avoid the end zone as if it shielded by kryptonite. Kellen Winslow joined his �U� brothers with a lone point of solidarity while super-rookie Marshawn Lynch was limited to a pedestrian 5 points. But what irked Missner the most was listening to John Madden mention the 55 points and 5 TD�s left on the Envy bench in between ranting blathers on the potential sainthood of Brett Favre. Still, Missner is quite aware of his team�s recent slump and commented, �We are choking like dogs in the endgame. We have two weeks to make things right and win our championship.� Helping the Envy choke away their season was Charlie Mitchell�s Herrings who moved closer to .500 with the victory. Led by the new musical sensation Hasselbracket, the Herrings used a balanced effort to storm past the Envy. After singing the National Anthem, Hasselbracket performed their new hit song, �We�re in the Starting Lineup (Of Your Heart)� and then took the field together. The incredible performance moved sideline reporter Tony Siragusa to blubbery tears. The duo then scored 17 points and provided some much needed inspiration as another pair of teammates decided to form a group of their own. This new duo, Bironey, earned a game ball from Mitchell with their combined 26 point day. They are currently working on their first single and hope to release it next week. Mitchell meanwhile was jubilant in the locker room saying, �Nice job guys! We�re happy to play spoiler, and would love to finish over .500 in my first full season as head coach.� Aiding Mitchell with his dream of a .500 record were RB Justin Fargas, WR Andre Johnson, and DE Jason P. Taylor who each scored 11 points to ensure the victory. So while Mitchell�s dreams of a .500 season seem attainable, Perry Missner�s dreams of a Modano crown seem to be slipping away from him. With only two weeks remaining in the Modano season, the Envy need to win both of their final two games and hope for some help.
Big Bad Bretts 84 County Coroners 71 Just a week ago, owner Steve Johnson was lamenting the loss of Karma. Coming off a brutal one point loss to the Wookies which dropped him out of first place, a quiet sense of desperation had seeped into the Brett clubhouse. Needing his guide and protector ever more, Johnson glanced at the week 15 schedule and instantly knew that his love had not forsaken him. The timing could not have been any better as Johnson knew that his week 15 opponent would be Chad Nuss� Coroners, long considered Karma�s whipping boy. Having created the matchup, Karma stepped aside and let nature take its course as the Bretts did just enough to defeat the downtrodden Coroners 84-71. Johnson handed out a pair of gameball�s, one to LaDanian Tomlinson for his 19 points and one to Steven Jackson for his 16. He also praised backup QB David Garrard, not only for his fine play from the bench, but also for helping him get up to date on all the new phones and game consoles- just in time for Christmas! So while LT, Jackson and Garrard were given fine champagne and victory cigars, the rest of the Brett squad was forced to listen to Johnson rip into them for a full hour after the game, summing up by saying, �Pretty piss poor effort from everyone not named LT, SJ or, of course, Favre.� The Brett D continues to under perform and the wideouts, a consistent strength early in the year, have fallen on hard times. Still, rookie K Nick Folk has been solid, and was again in week 15 kicking a pair of FG�s through the warm rain which fell throughout the game. A grateful Johnson said after the victory, �Everything fell into place this week and I'm back on top. Will anyone actually play for me again this year�who knows?� Yes, the final two weeks might prove very difficult for many Modano owners who rely on players who may be getting ready for the playoffs. And while that might be a problem for Chad Nuss� Coroners also, it will only affect him in terms of getting the number 1 pick in next season�s Modano entry draft. After this loss dropped his squad to 4-11 on the year, the Coroners are at the bottom of the league standings. Still, his team put up another valiant effort getting double-digit games from the ManBeast Brandon Jacobs and WR Deion Branch and another solid game from K G-ski, who outbooted J-ski 8 to 2. But it was poor performances from veterans like Tony Gonzalez (1 point) and supposed break-out stars like Vincent Jackson (2pts) which continued to doom the Coroners who have yet to put together a string of solid performances. The silver lining around the dark Coroner cloud was this stat line: 2/5/0/10 TD:0. While technically a zero point effort, little baby Jesus is taking his first steps in his cuddly Coroner booties and for now Coroner nation must be patient for �un miracolo�. At 10-5, the defending champ Bretts aren�t patient at all. They want another championship and they want it now. With two games to go, they are tied for first place and in a fine position to grab it.
Syracuse 44�s 104 San Francisco Cubists 55 Going into his week 15 matchup against the 44�s, Cubist owner Jason Moore had to believe that Karma had interceded on his behalf as well by placing the 44�s in front of him. The Cubists owned an 11-4-1 record against their rivals from snowy Syracuse proving that the Cubists like the snow just as much if not more than their brethren from the northeast. And if history was no factor, then revenge from a 64 point week 6 butt-kicking had to be a large motivational tool. And if history and revenge were not enough, then protecting a slim one game lead in their chase for �One for the Thumb� was certainly more than any team needed to get ready to play. Instead, the Cubists fell flat again and the 44�s pounded them by 49 this time. Complete and total blame went to infantile Cubist QB Tony Romo who had his worst game of the season with a -1 point diaper-filling performance. After literally being placed in the Cubist doghouse, Moore tossed Romo a box of crayons and told him he�d be released as soon as he drew three blue triangles, one for each of his interceptions. Romo just stared blankly at his owner and started eating the crayons. Moore just hung his head in exasperation and said, �Wow, my whole team basically [pooped] the bed. Well, maybe not Earnest Graham.� Yes, steady Earnest had 13 more points though the gameball went to kicker Nate Kaeding and his all-pro 15 point day. Still, as we always say, a kicker getting a gameball can only spell defeat. But Moore didn�t really have any other options as most of his team stunk up the joint including ex-44 RB Shaun Alexander (1pt) and fan fave ChesTay (2pts) as well as hit-or-miss TE Dallas Clark who missed with a goose egg. While Moore was irked, like he gets when he has to listen to Mike Tirico, 44�s owner John Stoer was in seventh heaven. And when told of Moore�s Tirico comment, Stoer defended the Syracuse alum saying, �I heard of Jamo�s dislike for, perhaps the best announcer in the business, Mike Tirico and at halftime I just told my boys to keep laying it on them and not to let up until we had squashed every hope and dream they ever had. And if you want to hear bad announcing, just listen to ESPN college announcer Rod Gilmore. Now he sucks.� A fired-up Stoer clearly pushed all the right buttons in this game as QB Kurt Warner ably replaced Donovan McNabb with 19 points and uber-rookie Adrian Peterson dominated again with 18. Even one week substitutions, Heath Miller and Shaun McDonald scored TD�s and K Matt Stover returned to Syracuse with 10 points, but the gameball went to RB Fred Taylor for his all-pro 15 point day. The 49 point victory moved the volatile 44�s to 7-8 and Stoer said after the game, �It�s always nice to beat a rival and particularly a rival who is in first place, but I�m under no illusion here, we are a hot and cold team and the Cubists were just unfortunate enough to run into perhaps our two best games of the year this year. I�ll take it, but I�d rather be in his place.� That place would still be first place and the Cubists do still control their own destiny. Two more wins and they are the �07 Modano champs, but they will need to put forth a much better effort than they showed in week 15 if they are going to earn that title.
The Ballbusters 77 Wookies 56 With the 44�s snapping the Cubists 6-game win streak, the hottest team in Modano is now Rich Joseph�s Ballbuster squad. Winners of 5 in a row, they are producing their now seemingly annual late season charge at a Modano title. And following their week 15 victory over the hazy Wookies, they are now 9-6, tied with the Envy a game behind the two leaders. Still, in every win streak, there is going to be a game where you do not play your best and still get the victory and that was the case for the Ballbusters in week 15. Putting up a measly 77 point winning score, they were aided by the coma-inducing purple haze surrounding the Wookies these days. While still in the D-Rep scouting pre-teen fastballs for the Red Sox, Jospeh nonetheless felt fully confident in leaving the reigns of his team in the capable hands of Peyton Manning. And while Manning didn�t have his greatest game, his solid 12 point day and strong leadership helped propel the Busters to victory. He also gave up coffee for the week, switching to Archie�s famous eggnog for the holiday season. The alcohol may explain his performance, but the lack of coffee left rookie latte-fetcher K Mason Crosby refreshed for the first time all season and his new found energy blasted an all-pro 16 points. While WR Greg Jennings was the only other Buster to score in double figures, the rest of his team mates had a jolly time watching the spectacle of the Wookie sideline. Now openly smoking marijuana on the field, not just in the locker room, the Ricky Williams signing has truly turned the Wookies into a degenerative mess. QB Jon Kitna threw 5 interceptions on the day, laughing after every one of them that he�d tried, really tried, to throw to his own guys, but they kept falling down laughing at him laughing at them. TE Antonio Gates was so aghast at the exhibition that he simply walked off the field in disgust after scoring zero points. RB�s Kevin Jones and Rudi Johnson put up a token point, and then followed Gates off the field in protest. Meanwhile Ray Lewis was running around hitting anyone he could see through his bleary eyes and managed to get 10 points. DB Ronde Barber scored a TD in an attempt to get his offensive teammates to see how it was done, but as he was crossing the goal line, all the WR�s were huddled around Randy Moss� 5 ft bong. It�s a mess with the Wookies who are now 5-10. But as owner Will Mitchell is fond of saying, �You can never underestimate a Wookie,� so while week 15 was a disaster, perhaps they will put the weed aside for one of their final two games and put forth a respectable effort. For the 9-6 Busters, they need help in week 16 if their title hopes are to remain alive, but as their 5 game win streak proves, they at least are leaving everything they have out there on the field.
The Bull City 102 Weaselicious Cookies 49 The final game on the week 15 schedule pit Randy Chambers resurgent Bull City against a team they have owned over the years, Dan Weitz�s Cookies. With a 15-3 lifetime mark, Bull City has used many a victory over the Cookies to advance their title hopes. And while a title isn�t in the cards for either of these teams in �07, both of these owners know a little about playing for respect. And after losing by 77 points in their earlier matchup this season, Randy Chambers preached nothing but respect all week long in practice. His players listened and responded with a 53 point win of their own in week 15. They were led as usual by QB Drew Brees who is enjoying a very fine second half indeed. After another 22 point day, Chambers must surely be wondering where this was in the first half of the year. He earned a gameball along with RB Clinton Portis who added 14. WR Marques Colston scored 13 and the three of those players were enough to at least tie the Cookies on this tie. If you were to add dominating TE Chris Cooley�s two point day, then victory would have been had by those four players. Even the tech-savvy Chambers knows than 2 points is less than 3.14159, but he also knows that a win is a win. It just so happened that on this day where the conditions were less than ideal, the mud and water and lime producing a foul stench that reminded Chambers of his youth, the rest of his players were superb as both Captain Hiney and Big Game Torry Holt found the end zone as well. Said a content Chambers after the victory, �When you start 1-6, it sure is nice to close the cellar door and lock it for the year. Not quite as enjoyable as watching the Redskins open up a can of whupass in Giants Stadium after Tony Rhomo hurts his little hand, but enjoyable nonetheless.� At 6-2 over their last 8 games, the Bull City is playing like the glory teams of their past and that can be directly contributed to Chambers belief that the name on the front of the jersey is more important than the name on the back. With two weeks left to get over .500, the Bull City is showing the league the meaning of class and determination. And while their opponent Cookies have loads of class themselves, their determination as the �07 season winds down is surely a bit questionable and it is rubbing off on planetary MVP Tom Brady. Like his fellow Axis-of-evil member Tony Romo, Brady played his worst game of the season in week 15 with a mere 1 point scored. A far cry from the 47 he put up on the Bull City in their first go �round. With the head effectively cut off, the rest of the Cookies dissipated into thin air. LB David Thornton was the only player to score in double digits, and even he only accomplished that task because LB Mike Peterson still can not go sideline-to-sideline in his wheelchair and therefore Thornton was forced to make more tackles than usual. As for the rest of the Cookies, perhaps the less said the better. While they own a similar 7-8 record as the Bull City, the two teams are heading in vastly different directions, as perhaps we should expect given the lifetime record between these two teams.
Week 16 Previews While there are three games of vast significance on the Modano schedule in week 16, none is bigger than the matchup between the 10-5 Bretts and the 9-6 Envy. For the Envy, it�s win or go home. After an 8-1 start, they�ve gone 1-5 since and are not headed into the game with much momentum. Said Missner, �It's clear our warhorses are tired and we need a transfusion. Expect big changes in the Envy lineup for the game of games against Brents. Could the Bears and Envy sweep their rivals in the same week?� The Envy surprised everyone in the league by releasing Brian Urlacher and we�ll see if that message gets sent to his players than anyone is expendable. The Envy will sport an entirely new defense and return K Robbie Gould, but the main change will see QB Vince Young take over the Envy huddle and Missner hopes he can bring a little big game magic with him. Steve Johnson on the other hand will make no changes to his lineup, content that his players will rise to the challenge. He said, �It�s all about Perry's P-Miss this week. That�s all I will be thinking about. Concentrating on his P-Miss morning, noon, and night. If you ask me what I am thinking about, it will be Perry's P-Miss. It�s been down for a few weeks now, but this week looks pretty good.� The Envy took the first matchup, but Johnson played that game without LaDanian Tomlinson or Steven Jackson, two players he hopes will key a victory. The other first place team is the 10-5 Cubists who are coming off a dispiriting loss to the 44�s. In week 16, they face the never to be underestimated 5-10 Wookies. A nervous Moore said, �We still control our own destiny, but let�s just say I�m not filled with confidence after last week�s disaster.� Moore, too, has shaken up his lineup in an effort to fire up his team. In are RB Jerious Norwood and WR Brandon Marshall and out are Shaun Alexander and ChesTay. The Wookies, for their part, have added WR Donte Stallworth for RB Rudi Johnson in the hopes that Tom Brady returns to form against the Dolphins. The Wookies would like nothing more than to spring the upset and ruin the title hopes of the Cubists. The hottest team in the league does not control its own destiny, so Rich Joseph will be rooting heavily for his Chowdah rival Wookies to upset the Cubists as well. At 9-6, they need to beat the 7-8 Cookies in their own matchup to have any hope. A loss and they are out. Joseph has added RB LenDale White and TE Vernon Davis to an already potent offense while Dan Weitz will once again refuse to alter his lineup in any way including leaving the wheelchair-bound Mike Peterson in for this meaningful week 16 game. The Cookies took the first game 107-101 in a barnburner that saw Tom Brady throw for 47 points. The rest of the week 16 schedule pits teams who will have one eye on their own game and the other on the scoreboard to keep up with the action around the league. The 7-8 Herrings and 7-8 Bull City meet to see who can achieve the magical .500 plateau. Said Randy Chambers, in words that were echoed by Herring owner Charlie Mitchell, �I've got front row seats for the Envy-Bretts battle of the northland this week, and have stored up a case of fine beer for the Bretts-Cubists in week 17.� Gun-slinging QB Derek Anderson will break up Hasselbracket this week for the Herrings while the Bull City are content to ride the hot streak that his current lineup is on. Finally, the mercurial 44�s face off against the Coroners. For the Coroners, it�s as the old saying goes, if it wasn�t for bad luck, they�d have no luck at all. They picked up one of their four wins at the expense of the 44�s earlier and will look for the season sweep without changing their lineup. Meanwhile, at 7-8, the 44�s also have a chance to reach .500 and will do so by returning Donovan McNabb to the QB slot while adding new WR Reggie Williams and welcoming long-time Envy LB Brian Urlacher to the squad. Said Stoer of the long, grueling season, �By week 16, the opponent doesn�t matter to me, and I don�t care what my record is. I want to win this game just as much as I wanted to win the season opener and I�m sure that Donovan will lead the way as Peterson hopefully will struggle this week.� So, to sum up, it looks this way. If the Cubists and Bretts win this week, they will meet in week 17 for the title. But the possibility exists with Envy and Buster wins, and a Cubist loss, that there would be a 4-way tie for first heading into week 17 with all four of the teams meeting each other, the much-hyped Cubist-Brett battle and an Envy-Buster game as well. Still, before we get to that point, the week 16 games need to be played on the field, and one can only assume that Karma has a few tricks up her sleeve yet.
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