Wookies 107 Bretts 106 It�s been well documented so far this season that, much like a talking parrot with an eye patch for a pirate, Lady Luck (a.k.a. Karma), has been riding steadily on Steve Johnson�s shoulder so far in �07. When Steve has asked for her help, she has been there without reservation. But in week 14, with the Modano crown squarely in the balance, Steve once again turned to her for aid, but on this occasion, she turned her back on him and said, �Not this week, honey. All I do is give, give, give, and what do you ever do for me? Look what I�ve done for your stinkin� quarterback this season! Is it too much to ask for a little somethin-somethin� to come my way for a change?� A stunned Johnson could only look on in horror then as Karma vanished after a 107-106 loss to the dazed and confused Wookies. Like a man with a phantom limb, Johnson walked around numbly after the game, snapping out of it only when someone mentioned the name of soon-to-be WalMart Greeter LB Derrick Johnson. With that, he immediately snapped out of his fog and lit in to the new Brett LB, saying �One Point! Your a @#$%@ LB! You should be guaranteed to get 4 tackles at least. Did you realize you were in a game? This loss is on you pal.� Johnson�s one point effort in a one point loss ruined some superlative performances from his team mates. Two of the three superb Brett RB�s, Joseph Addai and LaDanian Tomlinson, turned in gameball days with 23 and 22 points respectively. The inbred hillbilly moron continued his assault on our senses with an all-pro 17, and new LB Karlos Dansby added 14 himself. The Brett WR�s on the other hand were completely shut down by the stoned Wookie corners as they only managed 6 points together. After being given a mild sedative, a reflective Johnson said after the loss, �We had good performances from the RB�s and Favre came back. Finally we scored in triple digits and... What!? We Lost? What the hell? Karma is a bitch!� The loss dropped the Bretts to 9-5, one game off the lead with three games to play, and it will be curious to see if Steve and Karma kiss and make up with so little time left in the season. But for the Wookie nation, this was a sweet victory in a season otherwise mired by extensive losing streaks. To offset the divide that has plagued the Wookies since Ricky Williams� arrival a few weeks ago, the ever- generous Will Mitchell decided to build a second locker room off the original and the team happily severed down the middle. Team leader, and gameball earner, WR Randy Moss was so pleased he didn�t have to listen to that no-good, used car salesman WR Steve Smith constantly bitch and moan about the marijuana haze in the locker room anymore, that he celebrated on the field with 21 points. RB Jamal Lewis was so happy that the Xbox was now free to play �Rod and Todd�s Bible Camp Adventures� that he scored 20 points and thanked the Lord. Antonio Gates, 9 points, dropped to one knee to join him. A delighted Mitchell smiled, passed a joint to DE Adewale Ogunleye, and said contendedly, �This makes up for that bogus week 5 tie breaker loss. Never look past a wounded Wookie.� At 5-9, the dreams of a Wookie title have long since passed, but with three weeks remaining, it at least looks as if a little peace has settled into the Wookie family.
Cubists 87 Herrings 66 The dreams of a 5th Modano title are very much alive in San Francisco as the Cubists continued to steamroll their competition by thrashing the up-and-down Herrings 87-66 in week 14. Owner Jason Moore�s Cubists have now won 6 in a row and have not lost since their week 8 game against the karma-challenged Bretts, winning by an average of about 31 points a game in that span. In week 14, they were once again led by their infantile QB, Tony Romo. Romo was once again brilliant on the field with 23 more points, but his questionable off the field behavior took a disastrous turn for the Cubists this week. After Romo left his Star Wars Lego�s all over the locker room floor, superstar RB Reggie Bush entered and promptly slipped, fell awkwardly, and burst everything in his knee that could be burst. A shifty-eyed Romo whispered, �This is my team punk,� to his fallen teammate and then went to have his bottle and a nap. The loss of the Cubist keeper didn�t stop Moore from reloading from a deep bench as his gameball went to ever-steady RB Ernest Graham and his all-pro 19 points. Fan Fave ChesTay added 13 of his own points to aid the inconsistent Cubist ground game. The recently acquired Shaun Alexander, or perhaps a lesser clone of the one-time league MVP, earned some scorn from Moore who felt that if Alexander didn�t improve quickly that he�d soon be driving the little golf cart that picks up the golf balls at one of Moore�s own Cubist-themed driving ranges. Alexander managed a mere two points, which were matched by the certainly lesser clone of Adrian Peterson. Those 4 points equaled the output of struggling Cubist WR Chad Johnson, which prompted Moore to bring in ex-Redskin (and Syracuse) great Art Monk as his new WR coach. Noting that his team had not played their best but had still pulled out a victory, Moore commented, �We got lucky. Hasselbeck and Brackett looked great on the bench for them.� That would be QB Matt Hasselbeck and LB Gary Brackett who both put up big-time all-pro days for the Herrings to no avail. Hasselbeck had 33 points and Brackett 16. Their sterling efforts, while not counting on the scoreboard, still earned them gameball�s from owner Charlie Mitchell, who dubbed them his new �celebrity bench couple� Hasselbrackett. While Hasselbrackett performed their newest country mega-hit song, �If Only We�d Played (Perhaps You�d Have Stayed)� from the bench, their on-field teammates struggled against the league-leading Cubists. Gun-slinging QB Derek Anderson did score 15 points, and do-everything RB Brian Westbrook added 12, but WR Andre Johnson was the only other player in double digits. Most galling to Mitchell was Anquan Boldin, who informed Mitchell right before kickoff that he wouldn�t be playing because he had a new gig as a roadie for Hannah Montana. So with the team in a musical disarray, half the team enjoying a sideline concert and others disappearing into a nightmarish teen netherworld, the effort that the inconsistent Herrings put forth was unable to deal with the Cubists, even on an off-week for them. Perhaps Karma has taken up residence in a cozy furnished townhouse overlooking the Bay as the Cubists are now 10-4 and in sole possession of first place. With three weeks remaining, they are the only team that controls its own destiny.
Bull City 89 Envy 61 For most of the season, first place in Modano was occupied by Perry Missner�s Envy. At 8-1 at the midway turn of the season, it looked as if they were destiny�s darling this year. But then Missner stole out of his longtime home of Wisconsin in the dead of night, dragging his beloved Envy through the wind-swept plains of mid-America into the fetid swamps of central Louisiana, all in the name of the almighty dollar. The price of that move has been 4 losses in the past 5 weeks and a slip into a tie for second place after a deflating loss to The Bull City, 89-61. It�s also possible that this losing has caused the impatient people of Lafayette to place a curse on the Envy. How else can you explain their QB situation in week 14? While starter Carson Palmer threw multiple interceptions on his way to a fat goose-egg and earned some derision from Missner, �A zilch against the Rams? Ugh, double-ugh,� his two backups, Sexy Rexy Grossman and Super Jason Campbell got into a wrastlin� match with each other and figure-four leg-locked each other to death, which no one knew was even possible. A distraught Missner mourned by seeing the silver lining, saying �Unfortunately, our two backups destroyed each other and had to be put down. Fortunately, we have two roster spots to play with. Carson, expect some competition in practice!� Might we see Doug Flutie in an Envy uniform soon as Palmer was seen preening for the E! Network after the game? His leadership would certainly help this sinking ship. It would also help if the Wondertwins started transforming into some touchdowns as this week they managed a pathetic 4 points, equaling the total of super-rookie Marshawn Lynch, newly returned to the Envy lineup. A couple of bright spots in the Envy lineup were Braylon �Batman� Edwards and Reggie �Bruce� Wayne, two sides of the same coin with 10 and 8 points respectively. But the greatest superhero on the Envy in week 14 was kicker Shayne Graham who earned a gameball and a reprieve from the Modano scrap heap with his 13 point afternoon. Still, when your kicker earns a gameball, it almost always spells defeat. A foiled again Missner commented after the loss, �I guess my players never really liked Benson either. After Randy called him out (after he was already put down), I figured the troops would rally behind the Viva La Benson banner. Instead they laid an egg. I don't like not being in first place.� It�s a feeling that perennial power Randy Chambers has struggled to accept in �07 as well. After a 1-6 start doomed his team from the outset, the Bull City has played very well in the second half of the season winning 5 of their last 7 and bringing their record back to a respectable 6-8. The resurgence has been led almost entirely by the brilliant play of QB Drew Brees and his trusty sidekick WR Marques Colston. In week 14, they were the only two BC members to reach double-digits with a 28 point and 18 point day respectively. Suffice it to say, they earned gameball�s from Chambers. Chambers was disappointed in RB Frank Gore, his two fumbles, and his 1 point lack-of-effort, and took a page from fellow owner Jason Moore by bringing an ex-Redskin on to the coaching staff after the game, in this case LT Joe Jacoby to help with the BC rushing attack. Captain Hiney 2 points of leadership helped the BC cause, and both Big Game Torry Holt and stud Chris Cooley matched each other with a pair of sixes. Still, while happy with the victory, Chambers echoed a sadder note in his post-game comments, �Thank goodness for the Monday Night Saints connection. It's nice to be able to upend the contenders, and it would have sucked to lose after giving up 61 points! Sadly, as I predicted, winning wasn't enough, as Mr. Moore has officially eliminated the Bull City from the title race. Best of luck to those of you still in the chase for the chalice.� With the Cubists holding a one game lead over the Bretts and Envy, it would seem that Chambers best wishes would extend to one of those three teams, but a fourth team is not-so-quietly attempting to pull off a second half rally like never seen before.
Ballbusters 114 44�s 58 Like the ripples in the water glass in Jurassic Park, signs are subtly showing that a growing menace is rapidly approaching the Modano leaders. And while objects may appear closer than they really are, there is no doubt that the red-hot Ballbusters are preparing to snap their mighty jaws on any of the leaders if they should stumble. Averaging almost 108 points a game over their current 4 game win streak, the 8-6 Busters are peaking at just the right time. Led by their angelic QB Peyton Manning and his superlative 32 points, the Busters had no trouble walking over the down-trodden 44�s in week 14. But Manning has had a lot of help over the past month as the Busters have unearthed some terrific performers who are blossoming before our eyes. Ryan Grant continued his impressive second half with an all-pro 16 points and was aided by his fellow green and yellow clad friends WR Greg Jennings (12), TE Donald Lee (10), and K and latte-fetcher Mason Crosby (8). The performances were so universally good that Envy owner Perry Missner threw up while watching Sports Center on Sunday night. Sadly, after blowing through town last week, Buster owner Rich Joseph was back in the D-Rep this week after getting a tip from a local contact that he�d seen a 5 year old with a wicked curveball and a love of lobster rolls. So the post game was left to Peyton Manning, who didn�t seem to have his heart in it, saying, �We won by 56, what d�ya�ll want me to say about it? You saw. You got eyes. It�s like beating Eli at something, sure it�s fun, but it�s not what you�d call satisfying. And speaking of satisfying, Snickers really satisfies when I have that afternoon hunger. Snickers satisfies.� He then left the locker room after throwing his spare change on the floor. So while Manning was lass than satisfied by the victory, 44�s owner John Stoer was even less pleased with the effort his 44�s gave on Donovan McNabb Homecoming Day in Syracuse. After a pre-game of all-you-can eat Buffalo wings and limitless refills on beer, the 44�s played like the overstuffed besotted fools they were. McNabb was given a gameball before the game, then proceeded to earn it with 11 points throwing a TD to WR Plaxico Burress who had his first all-pro day in over a month with 15 points. But for the most part, the drunken 44�s just watched the Busters ease to victory. Stoer was especially angry at TE Jeremy Shockey saying, �I don�t even want to drink with him anymore, and I�ll drink with anyone.� Shockey was promptly axed from the squad, but quickly found employment as a boxing analyst. Another loss to the squad occurred when freakishly large LB Shawne Merriman exploded after one too many injections of steroids, leaving large ripples of muscle all over the floor. In a quick post game comment, Stoer said, �Frick, just when I think things are getting back to normal, we pig out, get drunk, and tank a game. Oh wait, that is normal. Okay then, better luck next week, right?� Stoer can only hope that uber-rookie Adrian Peterson does not get shut out again as his team, now an uneven 6-8, seems to win or lose depending on his play.
Cookies 118 Coroners 76 If a game is played in an empty stadium, is it really played? We may never know since Giselle and the rest of planetary MVP Tom Brady�s posse took over one luxury box in an otherwise empty stadium and watched their man lead the 7-7 Cookies to a 118-76 win over the luckless 4-10 Coroners. Brady was back in mid-season form throwing the ball all over the field for 37 huge points. A massive dose of help came from manic RB Marion Barber III who jittered for 24 points and two scores. WR Bernard Berrian added 12 as did TE Jason Witten, and K Jason Elam put the cherry on top with 11. While scorn would rightfully have befallen mini-RB Mo Jo-Drew, it would be hard to fault the effort of wheelchair bound LB Mike Peterson who, while once again failing to score, gave it his all, but after tipping over early in the first half and getting no assistance in getting back up, his day was essentially over. Still Brady was enough on this day, and while we hoped for comment, he was swiftly rushed out a back exit after the game, and none of his other team mates wished to go on the record. Essentially over is an apt description of the Coroner season after the loss which saw Envy-esque problems at QB. Jeff Garcia joined longtime buddy, Herring WR Anquan Boldin, as a late scratch due to Hannah Montana activities, but no other Coroner QB was prepared to play, so the Coroners played the entire game snapping directly to RB Willie Parker. Parker had a fine day with 9 points and connected with WR�s Joey Porter and Bobby Engram for 9 points each as well. K G-ski returned to the lineup in fine form with 10 solid points, while J-ski sulked on the bench with 1. Owner Chad Nuss was so frustrated with his team�s poor fortunes that he shut the door to his locker room, his clubhouse, and the entire Coroner training complex, though the hardy faithful, standing outside the fence looking for any sign of activity, did notice a strange glow coming from inside 2 Coroner Way as a long line of cars queued up the winding drive leading to the complex.
Week 15 previews: After a dramatic week 14 saw the Cubists leap into the lead, week 15 will see all the contenders get their final week against lesser Modano squads before multiple head-to-head matchups loom ahead in the final two weeks. You have to start on top and so Jason Moore�s 10-4 Cubists will face longtime whipping boy John Stoer and his 44�s. The Cubists have used the 44�s as a stepping stone to multiple titles and will be looking to do so again, though under the watchful eye of Moore, they will surely not take them lightly. Said Moore, reflecting on the week 6 138-72 drubbing his team took at the hands of the 44�s, �Given that AD scored 0 in week 14, I am expecting him to go off against us again. We'll have to choose the right flex players to match up against their ferocious D.� Peterson had 37 against the Cubists in week 6 and Stoer, as well as others, will be looking for him to duplicate the feat. An emotional Stoer said, in anticipation of the big game, �Sure Peterson had the big day on the ground for us last time, but don�t forget that Sean Taylor had 16 for us in that game too. Number 21, this one�s for you!!! So no Shockey, no Plax, and I�ll see you on the battlefield Moore!� The 44�s have made multiple changes to their lineup highlighted by Kurt Warner�s return to QB, Matt Stover�s return to kicker (he had 16 in the week 6 game too), and Heath Miller taking over for Jeremy Shockey. One the teams rooting for a 44 upset are Perry Missner�s Envy. At 9-5, they will go to war against Charlie Mitchell�s Herrings. While neither team has adjusted their starting squad, Missner has added ex-44 keeper Vince Young to the practice squad. Aware of the situation, Missner said, �We need a sweep. The Herrings seem ripe for the picking. Perhaps we'll get some Brown TD's on reverses and whoever comes in to challenge Carson will take the job and rev this team up. Go 44's!� Mitchell and the Herrings will be looking to snap a three game losing streak as well as avenging a 96-69 loss in week 6 that saw the Wondertwins go off for 21 points while Mitchell�s psychological ploy of Devin Hester paid dividends with 24 points. Might it happen again? The 9-5 Bretts are surely hoping that their week 15 fortunes are similar to their week 6 110-79 destruction of the 4-10 Coroners. The Bretts used 4 LT TD�s and 38 points to forge a victory then and played without Addai or Jackson, both of whom will be back in the Brett lineup this time. Said Johnson, �We should be able to get to 10 wins vs. the Coroners�.but this year who knows?� To further aid his cause, Johnson has added rookie RB Selvin Young to his lineup and he hopes that Ernie Sims will produce more than one point like departed LB Derrick Johnson. The Coroners have made no change to their lineup as of yet, but there are reports that JaMarcus �Jesus Christ� Russell may make his first NFL start this week so stay tuned. At 8-4 and needing to win and get some help, Rich Joseph�s Ballbuster squad will do battle with his �Chowdah� rival Will Mitchell�s Wookies. The Busters found a way to win in week 6 without Peyton Manning behind 23 from WR Wes Welker. The 5-9 Wookies were led by QB Brian Griese which explains how they found a way to lose. Mitchell has added RB Kevin Jones for stinky WR Steve Smith and commented succinctly, �We are still playing to win.� That�s the fighting Wookie spirit!! Finally, the 6-8 Bull City square off against the 7-7 Cookies in a duel of two teams playing for pride, respectability, and bragging rights. The Cookies destroyed BC 133-56 in what is surely a low point in Bull City history. Planetary MVP Tom Brady had 5 TD�s and 39 points in that game, almost single-handedly defeating his opponent. Neither team has altered its starting squad so it�s possible that the rejuvenated BC running game will take advantage of Mike Peterson�s limitations on defense. Said Chambers in preparation of the home stretch of the Modano season, �Nothing like playing out the string in December and not even having any matchups left with contenders. Perhaps we can feed off the bottom and move ourselves into the top half by year-end. I'm hoarding popcorn for the season finale between the Brents and Cubists. Sounds like Cowboys-Patriots Super Bowl rematch to me!� While we must wait to see the week 15 results, there are some interesting games to be played in the season�s final two weeks should form hold as the Bretts get both the Envy and Cubists and the Envy get both the Bretts and Busters. Still, if the Cubists win out, they will be the �07 champs, but with three weeks to go, nothing is yet decided.
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