44�s 111 Envy 108 The week 13 game of the week was a barnburner between longtime Pizza Week rivals, the first place P-Miss Envy and the also-ran Syracuse 44�s. In a game that wasn�t determined until late on Monday night, the 44�s ran out winners 111-108 behind the return of their uber-rookie Adrian Peterson and an out-of-the-blue monster effort from their defense. Peterson earned the gameball with his all-pro 19 point 2 TD performance, but that strong defense was also lauded by 44�s owner John Stoer, saying, �Man it was nice to get Peterson back on the field, but how �bout that D? I knew Merriman would be fine once he went back on the juice, but I didn�t know he�d share. Spirit of the season, right on Shawne!� The 44�s defense totaled 48 points with 18 coming from Merriman, 17 from rookie tackle machine Patrick Willis, and 13 from newcomer Julian Peterson. They were aided by Kurt Warner�s 14 and a rejuvenated Ron Dayne�s 12. Still, not all was rosy for the 44�s as Stoer called out his New York Giants, Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey, saying, �They basically took a dump today.� Shockey in particular could have read The Great American Bathroom Book cover-to-cover as he�s been stinky for most of the season. But while Stoer is disappointed over his TE�s consistent lack of performance, that disappointment is nothing in comparison to Perry Missner�s lack of faith in starting QB Carson Palmer. After the defeat, Missner singled out Palmer�s 6 point effort saying, �Earlier in the season, I thought I had the Envy QB conundrum solved for years to come. Now, it looks like the only way Carson Palmer will be back is through next year's draft. Had I started Grossman, I would have won. Ugh.� When Rex Grossman is your better option, you have some quarterback �issues� to say the least. What made Palmer�s result even more atrocious was that he did not heed his owner�s pre-game words to simply TCB or Take Care of Business. Nearly everyone else on the squad did though. The Wondertwins were magnificent totaling 23 points including Willis McGahee�s Monday Night all-pro 16 point effort. The Envy aerial attack was flying high again as well as both Reggie Wayne and Braylon Edwards went off for all-pro days as well. The Envy gameball though went to unheralded FA Justin Gage who was pulled off the Modano waiver wire specifically for this game, as if Missner knew ahead of time that he�d score a respectable 10 points. Some new found Cajun hoo-doo foresight perhaps? A pleased with himself yet unimpressed Missner commented of Gage, �Whenever I pull some jerk off the street and he goes out and gives me a TD, I know I have a shot at winning. Nice job, Gage, now hit the bricks.� Still despondent, Missner continued, �This is what I get for ordering Pizza Hut. There's nothing wrong with Pizza Hut pizza, but it won't get you many wins. The 44 defense stepped up in a big way (not that our 30 points from the D-flex was particularly bad) and Adrian Peterson looked pretty good out there. Curses.� Winners of two in a row, the 6-7 44�s avenged the week 4 tie-break loss to the Envy. The loss dropped the 9-4 Envy into a three way tie for first. It can be difficult on a team�s psyche to put up 108 points and still lose, and it will be interesting to see how the Envy respond in week 14 with their title hopes still very much alive. The 44�s however will have to be content to continue their role as spoiler.
Cubists 118 Bull City 88 A team that is unfamiliar with the spoiler role, but who is quickly growing into it, is Randy Chambers Bull City squad. A 1-6 start essentially doomed their season, but a mid-season resurgence has seen them vault back into the middle of the Modano standings and has made them a dangerous team to face once again. Standing in their way in week 13 was the hotter than a habenero San Francisco Cubists. Winners of four in a row heading into the matchup, they have been riding the scorching play of infantile QB Tony Romo. Romo did not disappoint in week 13 either leading the Cubists to a fifth straight win with a 118-88 trouncing of their high school rival Bull City. The student is becoming the master right before our very eyes as Romo had another 31 point day, and, amazingly enough, earned a gameball from his owner. It was, remarkably, not enough for Romo though who screamed, �Yeah great, a football, I already have like ten of those, what I want is a pair of Heelies. Like, everyone I know already has them, and if you really love me, I�d get me a pair. And I want an XBox too. And a puppy.� As Romo rambled on, Moore went around the locker room shaking the hands of the supporting cast which also played very well against the Bull City. TE Dallas Clark had an all-pro 16 points and steady Ernest Graham led a powerful Cubist ground game with 15 all-pro points of his own. While Mo Morris and �the other� Adrian Peterson were more than adequate with 19 combined points, fan fave ChesTay and recently acquired Shaun Alexander combined for 21 from the bench. An abundance of quality rushing performances, but notably absent from that list was keeper Reggie Bush. After yet another 1 point game, Moore equated his day to �dropping the kids off at the pool�, if you get his meaning, but Bush didn�t stick around to listen to Moore berate him after the game. Instead of wasting his time on the ineffectual Bush, a statesman-like Moore complimented the players who had satisfied him on this day, �As they have for most of the season, our QB, TE, and defense stepped up this week. The Bears are a class organization, and any victory over them is a great accomplishment.� While the one-time Bears, now Bull City, may be a class organization, after this loss, they are now also 5-8 and have lost to the Cubists twice this year by a combined 66 points. BC QB Drew Brees did an admirable job with his 17 point day, hitting longtime favorite WR�s Big Game Torry Holt for 15 points and Captain Hiney for 18, but the rest of the team failed to show up big for this rivalry game. Standing atop his usual soapbox after the game, Chambers handed his gameball to his Captain saying, �Captain Hiney did his best to mount the miracle SNF comeback, badly outplaying Ocho Cinco, but alas, was to no avail. That said if "Someday Hines Ward will be in Canton", quoth Al Michaels, wtf is the reason Art Monk ain't there yet?� Continuing, he commented, �Our D was atrocious. They just let Tony (R)homo eat them alive. 31-12 to the bedwetter? Come on, fellas, but my hat is off to Jamo. He's on a roll and I'd be surprised if the Brents or P-miss can stop him from getting one for the thumb. I still don't understand how he can actually set himself up to support (R)homo's successes, but I guess he's been a Bay Area sports fan long enough to learn that the ends may well justify the means.� Then, with the thought of Romo still in his head, he finished by inexplicably saying, �My favorite toilet paper was the "Don't Mess with Texas" roll Berg gave us, but quite frankly, we need a toilet paper with Darth Cheney and the Bush for wiping on.� At that final comment, he stepped down and walked out of the press room, leaving many wondering what they had just witnessed. While the press was left to wonder about Chambers state of mind, there is no doubting what they saw on the field of play. The 9-4 Cubists are now tied for first place following their remarkable last month of play, and as Chambers noted, it will be tough for anyone to stop the Cubist train from rolling to a title.
Bretts 85 Cookies 68 If anyone wants to win the title this year, the first thing they will have to do is knock off the defending champion Bretts, a task that is looking more difficult every week. At 9-4, they are the third team that is tied a top the standings, and they have one things going for them this �07 season that neither the Envy nor Cubists have and that is Lady Luck riding shotgun. While everyone knows the old saying, �It Doesn�t Matter if you Win or Lose, it�s How You Play the Game�, Bretts owner Steve Johnson has adapted the saying for his team this year by saying, �It Doesn�t Matter how You Play the Game, it�s about whether You Win or Lose�. Week 13 was yet another week for Johnson where he easily could have seen his team lose since they did not perform particularly well, but instead they snatched a victory thanks to Lady Luck. At a loss to explain the turn of events, Johnson said, �It�s a tough break when your star goes down with negative points and you�re playing the MVP... What! We won? You�re kidding me!?� Team namesake and inbred hillbilly moron Brett Favre was well on his way to giving the game away with a -5 point performance when he unbelievably was broken by the Wookie D and the damage was limited to only the -5 points. The Bretts were saved then by their MVP LaDanian Tomlinson who had his best game in weeks with 177 yards, 2 TD�s, and 24 points. He earned a Johnson gameball along with RB mate Steven Jackson who had 16. Johnson, not overstating in the least said of his two backs, �They saved our game�.maybe our season.� Truer words were never spoken since, including Favre�s stats, the rest of the offense managed just 5 points. Rookie Selvin Young was spotlighted by Johnson for �pinching a loaf� with his stellar 9 yards of kick returning. What saved the Bretts was the ineptitude of their opponent, Dan Weitz�s Cookies, who played as if their season was already complete. Planetary MVP Tom Brady has worked magic for the Cookies this season, but it appears as if the weight of carrying the team has caught up to him. He had an all-pro day with 17 points, but seemingly gone are the +30 points days that he casually accumulated in the first half of the season. A weary Brady said, �I�ve given up on the Mid-east thing, and Bono�s a wanker, so all I�m trying to do is get my team a win, but enough is enough. If I don�t get some help from ownership, I�m going to opt out of my contract at the end of the year.� Brady was helped in week 13 by RB Mo Jo-Drew and the ageless Joey Galloway who each had 10 points, but after that, Jason Elam was next with 8 and once again Mike Peterson remained in the Cookie lineup while sitting in his wheelchair, limiting his sideline-to-sideline mobility. At 6-7 and losers of three straight, the once-promising Cookie season has tumbled into seasons past, while the 9-4 Bretts continue to chug along with Lady Luck looking over Johnson�s shoulder. An interesting side note on this game; the benches would have played a game almost as interesting as the one played by the starters, though the Bretts would have won that also, 70-53.
Ballbusters 118 Herrings 70 While the Cubists are the league�s hottest team with 5 straight wins, Rich Joseph�s Ballbusters are nipping at their heels with a 3 game streak of his own, and now a 7-6 record following a 48 point spanking of the hapless Herrings. Led as usual by their angelic QB Peyton Manning, the Busters used a balanced attack up and down the lineup to administer the aforementioned spanking. With a breakout 30 point game, Manning reminded Joseph of some of his past performances and as Manning stepped to the mike to address the press, in swept Joseph, fresh from his Sox scouting trip to the D-Rep. He shoved Manning aside and said, �Peyton��finally!� He then handed Manning a bottle of rum, which Manning looked at quizzically, then opened and passed around to his jubilant team mates. Continuing to hand out presents from his recent trip, Joseph then congratulated RB Ryan Grant on his 18 point day with a firm handshake and a box of Cuban cigars, then gave T.O. an enormous machete to celebrate yet another all-pro day with his 16 points. WR Greg Jennings got a shot glass for his 11 points, and K Mason Crosby, DE Jared Allen, and LB EJ Henderson all got �The D-Rep is for Lovers� T-shirts for their 10 point days. Wes Welker and his 1 point game was fortunate to watch the proceedings, but worse was after �giving birth to a Crosby�, Joseph put it in a paper bag, lit it on fire and threw it at �My TE�.what�s his name?� locker. Yuck. Clearly a changed man after his long journey to unofficially aid Theo Epstein, Joseph yelled into the mike, �Let�s keep it up and catch Perry,� at which point the Ballbuster locker room exploded in cheers and huzzahs for their long-absent owner. Suffice it to say, the rum flowed long into the night and the Busters appear to be on another late season run. If all was smiles and jubilant rum-soaked towel snapping in the Buster locker room, the Herring locker room was far more like its cold, dead, pickled namesake. Charlie Mitchell has tried his best this year to inject some life into the cursed franchise, but a Modano season can be a long hard grind and Mitchell�s Herrings have fallen prey to despair. While new gun-slinging QB Derek Anderson continues to surprise with 13 more points, and all-everything RB Brian Westbrook continues to enjoy his post-44�s life with another 17 points, the duo can not continue to hold the franchise up. They were given a little help from WR Andre Johnson�s 13 points, but no one else managed to reach double figures and WR DJ Hackett decided to not even play. The lone bright spot in the bleak Herring forecast was that the bench put up 64 points, nearly matching the starter�s 70 point lack-of-effort. Mitchell could not be reached for comment as the trail of empty vodka bottles littering the trail to his office warned away everyone from the media. So while alcohol was drowning Mitchell�s sorrows, it was also lifting the spirits of fellow owner Rich Joseph who poured a helmet full of golden Caribbean rum over his head and said, �Next!�
Coroners 72 Wookies 65 The final game of week 13 pitted the two worst teams in the Modano standings against each other and their play reflected their team�s respective records. Still, as Troy Aikman is proud to insightfully announce every week, someone has to win the game. And on this week 13, it was Chad Nuss and his County Coroners sneakily over Will Mitchell and his divided Wookies. The result moved both teams to 4-9 in a tight battle now for the overall number one pick in next year�s �08 Modano draft. There were few highlights from either squad, but the one player who truly distinguished himself was Coroner RB Derrick Ward. Ward rushed for 154 yards and TD, totaling 14 points, before having his arm ripped from its socket by a vengeful Wookies D. Thomas Jones managed to rumble for 12 points and avoid decapitation from the head hunting Wookies. And hopefully Nuss has decided on his kicker as longtime Coroner J-ski got the nod and delivered a solid 10 point effort, outkicking his rival G-Ski by a point. And one point is exactly what the future savior of the franchise JaMarcus Russell earned from the bench. Even Jesus took little Baby Jesus steps in his life and Nuss and the Coroners are content to wait for the miracles sure to come. TE Tony Gonzalez and his 9 points are not likely to still be playing at that point, but Nuss would take what he could get on this day. After all, the win broke his 5 game losing streak, and anything looks good when that happens. For the glassy-eyed Wookies, their season has hinged on two significant events. The first was the excused absence of its owner Will Mitchell for joyous marital reasons, and the second was the Week 11 signing of RB Ricky Williams. While the first event just left the team without a leader, the second event has been far worse as it has divided the Wookie locker room down the middle. Unfortunately for Wookie fans, that divisiveness has spilled onto the playing field as teammates now routinely stand and watch each other rather than play as a cohesive unit. For instance, when WR Randy Moss scored his 8 points, Ray Lewis, 7 points, was the first to thank him when he reached the sidelines, but all-everything TE Antonio Gates refused to score any points at all because Randy had scored. QB Matt Schaub joined Gates protest by scoring a single point and later urinating in Moss� helmet. Moss of course was so high that he thought it was raining as he put his helmet on, while Ricky Williams just laughed from the sideline. A confused Adewale Ogunleye, new to the Wookies this week, scored 13 points, but was taken aback by the lack of unity on the team. He said, �Man, I�m taken aback by the lack of unity on this team. Hey Ricky, wait up�.� Meanwhile, Jon Kitna sat on the bench with his 11 game-deciding points and merrily continued crocheting a Christmas sweater for his grandmother, oblivious to everything surrounding him. After this game, it was not a bad place to be.
Week 14 previewsWeek 14 will see all the Modano title favorites facing off against team�s from the bottom half of the league. It may just be the week that decides the title if one of the championship contenders is upset by one of the bottom feeders. We�ll start with the defending champs as the Steve Johnson takes his fortunate 9-4 Bretts in to face Will Mitchell�s drug-induced dysfunctional 4-9 Wookies. If the Bretts are to repeat, they may look at their 61-61 week 5 tie breaker win over the Wookies as the game that Lady Luck most intervened in. Who wins with 61 points, much less in a tie breaker? Brett Favre had 10 points in that victory and he hopes to be healthy for the rematch. He is in the lineup as in are WR Patrick Crayton and new defender David Harris while Lance Briggs and rookie Selvin Young hit the bench. Johnson commented on the upcoming game, �A little luck never hurts but we have to keep winning and hope for some great performances. And I still have to play both Perry and the Cubists.� Mitchell has replaced sluggish QB Matt Schaub with crocheting genius Jon Kitna and added rookie Calvin Johnson to replace Kevin Jones. TE Antonio Gates paced the Wookies in week 5. One of the teams in a good position to unseat the champ is the Heidi Klum-hot 9-4 Cubists. They too were quite fortunate in their week 5 game, a 59-48 victory over the Herrings. 59 points?? The Cubists have added Shaun Alexander to their already potent lineup and Moore, with a slight grin, said of the upcoming game against the 6-7 Herrings, �Westbrook and Anderson are a great 1-2 punch, and James Harrison is right there with DeMeco Ryans at the top of the defensive heap.� He will be ever wary as the Herrings have made a few changes to their lineup. In from a productive bench are RB Justin Fargas and WR Lav Coles while DE Jason Taylor will look to harass Cubist QB Tony Romo. The final 9-4 team a top the standing is Perry Missner�s Envy who have led Modano for most of the year. In week 14 they look to rebound from their devastating loss to the 44�s with a rebound effort against a dangerous Bull City squad. The Envy took the first matchup 91-71 behind 22 points from Kenton Keith. While Keith won�t play in the rematch, Missner hopes that the return of super-rookie Marshawn Lynch will spark his club, saying, �I am still not sure why any team would want to disassociate themselves with the Bears, but Randy is still reeling from the effects of said disassociation. We're putting the voodoo on Brees and Colston and hope that Marshawn is back on the gridiron to complete the Wonder Triplets.� For his part, Chambers has returned DB Terrence McGee to the lineup for LaRon Landry as McGee scored 19 against the Envy in the week 5 game. Chambers also spoke about the upcoming game saying, �Now that we are officially out of the hunt, and Joe Gibbs is out of his mind, we'll have to adjust to playing the spoiler. Hopefully, Perry is too distracted by LSU making the BCS title game that he'll leave Benson in, and even out our chances this week.� Rising quickly behind the 9-4 teams is the always strong 7-6 Ballbusters. Winners of three in a row, they face a 6-7 44�s squad that has won two weeks in a row. It�s a mind game battle leading up to the game as neither owner had anything to say about the other and neither team has made a change to their lineup. Both owners have learned from the Art of War that he who moves first is defeated. The final game of the week pits disgruntled planetary MVP Tom Brady and his 6-7 Cookies against a 4-9 Coroner team on a one game win streak. While Chad Nuss continues to make moves like replacing broken Giant RB Derrick Ward with maimed Giant RB Brandon Jacobs and inserting WR Joey Porter for WR Deon Branch, the wily Dan Weitz has decided not to alter his lineup, including leaving LB Mike Peterson and his wheelchair in the starting lineup. I fully expect to hear Troy Aikman, covering the Cookie-Coroner game, to say about Peterson, �He�s not as mobile now that he�s in a wheelchair, but hey, someone has to play and he may be the best wheelchair-bound linebacker I�ve ever seen.� Oy vey.
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