Syracuse 44�s 104 Brentless Brents 80 - Syracuse 44�s 104, Brentless Brents 80 - It has been a long and lazy offseason. The fingers don�t feel quite as nimble and the brain is firing offbeat, but the recaps must be produced and they must be the best ever. So crank up the nasty meter and turn the anal compulsiveness dial to 11 because Modano Mi Hermano is back and badder than ever. And what a week of games to imagine starting with the league�s big daddy being knocked off his cat bird�s seat. In 2006, the Brentless Brents ran over the league like the Bears defense running over LaDainian Tomlinson. But before anyone gets too cocky and thinks that the Brents might be in for some trouble in the new season, we should remind you that Owner Steve Johnson�s team also lost in humbling fashion in the first week of 2006 and at one point had a 2-3 record before ripping off 12 straight wins. That win streak, which extended through the offseason, is now over thanks to power running and QB shenanigans from the great sage and eminent junky, Owner John Stoer. Who else would think to use an inbred hillbilly moron QB as a decoy and set the Brent camp all over themselves. Seeing the �great� Brent Farf in enemy colors seems to do bad things to Johnson and he could not get his team properly revved up for victory. It had the opposite effect on the 44�s as the non-QB players knew they would have to step it up to compensate for the yawning chasm at what is usually considered the lead position. Farf was unable to score and had a couple of turnovers, but just seeing him on the field seemed to buoy the spirits of his fellow 44�s. Asked why Farf continues to garner so much media attention despite what looks to be the onset of senility, Stoer said, �Nothing that isn't already wrong with our society; it's simply a mirror.� Knowing that he was on his own, Plaxico Burress set a season standard for WR�s at 27 on three TD�s. Stoer said, �Take a bow Plax, the gameball is yours.� The 44 running attack was in full force as well with Lamont Jordan (15 points) and rookie Adrian Peterson (16 points) having all-pro days. Holdover 44�s Shaun Alexander and Brian Westbrook also combined for 44 points. While Farf had a terrible effect on the 44�s, one had to wonder where Brent QB Donovan McNabb�s favor lied. The new Brent QB looked a half step slow and may have been Donighy�ing it. He�ll never tell. He still outscored Farf by nine. Steven Jackson had a rough opening game, dropping three points and losing Orlando Pace in front of him. Julian Peterson led the team with 19 points. Stoer summed up the week by saying, �I've rarely if ever been more surprised by a performance by my 44's. I give full credit to Brett Favre for feeding me the Bretts playbook before the game and to Donovan McNabb who is forever loyal and knows where he is well and truly loved. �
The Ballbusters 96 The Bull City 66 Ever since they shared the 2003 championship, there has been an odd vibe going on between Owners Randy Chambers and Rich Joseph. While one tends to take a laid back approach and draft players that may have been drafted by another team, the other tends to yell about bedtime. Simply put, they just don�t mix. Another two items that don�t tend to mix well are Chambers and losing. For the first time in franchise history, the Bull City team lost three straight games to end the 2006 season. Because we all know that streaks do not stop at season�s end, a loss in Week One would drop the BC�s losing streak to four. Things could not have started out more poorly for Chambers. In the opening game of the season, Bull City QB Drew Brees, fresh off of taking a full page ad in the Bull City newspaper to thank the fans for their support in 2006, dropped a big pile of dog doo. Only the efforts of WR Marques Colston could get the team formerly known as the Bears to 0. Adam Vinatieri salvaged what he could of the opening game with 11 points. Meanwhile, weekly gameball winner Peyton Manning did not seem too complacent coming off a Super Bowl win. The league�s top QB in 2006 scored 27 points and staked his team to an early lead. Over the years, Joseph has come to think of rooting for Peyton like eating liver, he did not like it at first, but Manning is starting to grow on him. It may take Joseph a while longer to become accustomed to the me-first stylings of Terrell Owens, but as long as the receiver scores 17 points a game, Joseph thinks he can do what he wants. Travis Henry donned the Broncos uni for the first time and had 11 and the Buster D-flex was led by Lofa Tatupu, who scored 14. Jared Allen�s zero play left Joseph feeling like he was �at a family get together with no football fans.� Meanwhile, with Brees out of sync, Bull City just never got it going. Frank Gore, Torry Holt, and Hines Ward all scored TD�s, but did little else and none of them provided all-pro numbers. Donnie Edwards and Terrence McGee also put up solid points, but the team was undone by players like Fred Taylor (1 point) and local institution Chris �Cam� Cooley (a big fat nothing). A furious Chambers was seen punching the wall after the game. Now that�s passion! After the game, Joseph hoped to turn on sports radio and hear some analysis (especially about how great he was), but he had to turn it off it mere minutes because �there was too much arguing.� One item that Joseph was extremely relieved about was that he finally got off the opening week schneid, the Busters had been 0-4 in Week Ones.
Peaks Island Wookies 101 Red Herrings 70 There are few things that stick in one�s craw more irritatingly than losing to one�s brother. Yet, in the battle of the Mitchell brothers, one had to lose (especially now that the Modano league has ridded itself of those inane ties). Charlie the Younger took the opening battle in the on-going Mitchell war in 2006 but he had the element of shocking surprise on his side, releasing his face from the iron mask. Will the Elder had an offseason to prepare, so when the schedule maker put the two Mitchells together in Week One (just a week before the season), Will had a feeling that all of his preparations were going to pay off. First off, he had his Lions playing the woeful Raiders and second off, he had a rejuvenated Randy Moss, who wanted to prove that he wasn�t a washed up hack who took 75% of the plays off. For at least one week, Moss proved himself to only take 40% of the plays off. In fact, Moss led a dismantling of the Herrings and earned a gameball from Charlie for �making my crushing loss easier to take.� While the Brothers Mitchell do not share much, they do share an affinity for the New England Patriots. They also agreed with Charlie�s take on sports radio, �a few good shows, but mostly a bunch of idiots that think arguing and fake controversy is interesting. Juvenile jokes. And Boston sports radio - jesus, they thrive on making fans worry or feel bad. Jerks.� Charlie then added, �Oh, and another thing. Sports radio shapes opinions for everyone - much less interesting talking sports when everyone just repeats Rome or whatever.� Both Mitchells were also willing to play lesser Pats such as the Wookies Donte Stallworth (1 point) and Herrings� RB Laurence Maroney (a very disappointing four points). Yet, Charlie let Maroney�s play go, but he had severe words for �LJ and Merriman, who look upset to be back with the Herrings. If they are trying to play their way out of town they are off to good starts.� Only three Herrings scored in double digits, QB Matt Hassleback, WR Andre Johnson, and DL Jason P. Taylor. Speaking of brothers (at least formerly), Taylor was offset by LB Zach Thomas. While the Pats were playing, the Lions were roaring. QB Jon Kitna had his greatest week ever with 22 points and he hit Roy Williams (as well as benched WR Calvin Johnson) for a TD. Antonio Gates caught a TD pass from Tomlinson for 13 and Steve Smith scored another unlucky number�s worth. The younger Mitchell compared the loss to football �on one�s own wedding day, because you'd be really distracted.� And finished his press conference by noting, �We took it on the chin. We knew it would be tough facing Will in his new stadium. And with the emotion of coming off his life altering event. We'll bounce back.�
San Francisco Cubists 98 County Coroners 47 When the lights go down on the cita-ay-ay, and the sun shines on the bay-ay-ay. Oh yeah, it�s football rivalry, Northern California style. What could be better? For Owner Jason Moore? Not much. He has owner the series with a 10-6 lead and in Week One of 2007, he demonstrated the awesome power of the Cubists. Sure, the ever pessimistic Moore tended to focus a bit too much on the performances of Reggie Bush (2 points), Vernon Davis (naught), and Larry Fitzgerald (1 point), but the 51-point victory even caused him to crack a smile. One thing not causing Moore to smile is the announcing on sports radio. He said, �It�s awful!� QB Tony Romo almost outscored the Coroners by himself with a 2007 record 38 points. Romo�s output was the highest total since Drew Brees scored 42 points for the then-Baers. When awarding the gameball, Moore said, �It might take a few weeks to get used to saying this... Tony Romo.� You see, the Cowboys have not always been Moore�s favorite team, but he appears he is changing his ways. He also used to not eat fish, but now he does. Some day Moore will be a fish-eating, Cowboy-rooting son of a gun. Romo hit Chad Johnson (12 points) and Marvin Harrison (11 points), while DeMarco Ryans lived up to his first LB taken status with another 11. Meanwhile, the Coroners had all sorts of problems acquitting themselves to the 2007 season. Brandon �You�re No Tiki� Jacobs fell flat in his debut with one point and he was matched by Tony Gonzalez and surprise flyer Vincent Jackson. Deion Branch and Terrell Suggs did not score. If the team�s play does not improve in a hurry, Owner Chad Nuss has threatened to implement a �100% Raider� lineup to the glee of local supporters (and to the horror of league commissioners). The fact that the lone Raider, Kirk Morrison, scored more than 30% of the team�s points (14 of 47) is a fact in Nuss�s pocket. QB Marc Bulger also broke double-digits and he was joined by London Fletcher. It came as a surprise to no one that neither Brandon Jackson nor A.J. Hawk disappointed, but Moore was content with the win. He said, �The passing game is looking pretty good so far, but the running game obviously needs some work. It would have been nice to hit the century mark, but a 50-point win is a 50-point win.� Moore then said, to no one in particular, �Football during the first weekend of the NCAA basketball tournament would reduce me to complete catatonia.� Interesting. The Cubists own a league-best 7-3 Week One record.
P-Miss Envy 93 Weaselicious Cookies 79- There have been few games in the long and contentious rivalry between the Envy and Cookies that featured quite as many ups and down as their Week One 2007 battle. Just when it looked like one owner could smile smugly and know that victory was theirs, the other team would sprint back into the lead. The seesaw started swinging early on Thursday when Envy WR Reggie Wayne staked the team to an early lead with an all-pro, 16-point performance. His fluidity made Cookie Thursday player Deuce McAllister look like a troglodyte (2 points). On Sunday afternoon, the Cookies made their stand behind Tom �Terrific� Brady (27 points). Brady was chucking all over the field and thought he was doing quite well, but when he ran off the field, Owner Dan Weitz grabbed him by the jersey and shouted, �I said I wanted five TD�s. Three is not good enough.� Brady shoved Weitz away and the tension between them grew. Things were a bit scattered for the Envy on Sunday. When describing who did not play as well as he had hoped, Owner Perry Missner said obliquely, �While there is an obvious candidate, we know that his ego is fragile, so we won�t go there. Instead, we�ll go with the pathetic kicker. You stink and you�re injured? Good bye.� Josh Scobee scored four points, doubling up Cookie players L.J. Smith (now cut) and Maurice Jones-Drew (almost cut). Rookie RB Marshawn Lynch kept the Envy close with 12 points and Kellen Winslow made his Envy debut with five. Sunday night the pendulum swung back to the Cookies as Marion Barber and Antonio Pierce (a combined 19 points) provided Weitz with a comfortable lead. Ed Reed made that lead even more cooshy with a defensive TD on a punt return on 13 points. Yet, Missner never doubted his troops. He said, �A lot of nice performances, but we�ll give it to the new QB who lived up to his #1 draft status and made me comfortable knowing that we could come back.� Carson Palmer did indeed score 18 points. He had precise hand offs to Edgerrin James (13 points) and Willis McGahee (7 points) and the Monday night Envy defenders chipped in 14 more points, equaling the margin of victory. Missner said the problem with sports radio is that �it appeals to the lowest common denominator. Idiots trying to make idiotic points vociferously. I don�t listen much anymore, but I remember listening to Andy Pollen in DC. That�s when I had to stop. Idiot. He also noted, �The Cookies gave us a good battle - a nice test to start the season out. When Ed Reed returned that punt for a TD, I thought we might be in trouble. But too many good Monday night performances and a nice haul of TD�s led the day.�
Week 2 previews The league has paired itself off nicely for Week Two. While we could start with the two games featuring undefeated teams or the two games featuring winless teams, we�ll start in the middle - the Coroners and Busters (or the two owners with Charlie Mitchell who I�ve never met in person). Owner Rich Joseph�s team had a relatively easy time with Bull City in Week One, and the Coroners scored 20 points less than BC. The Coroners swept the series in 2006 to close to a 3-4 series margin. The game will feature Joseph meeting his long time TE Tony Gonzalez. The last time the Wookies and 44�s went, Owner John Stoer�s team embarrassed the hairy guys by a 117-39 margin. Whatever the 44�s did went right and whatever the Wookies did went �Aarearargh.� That�s the noise an upset wookie makes. Stoer commented, �We are going to toy with some nickel plus dime coverages in practice this week to combat the amazing aerial attack of the Wookies. I don't know yet who will be handing off to Shaun and the boys this week, but expect us to keep it on the ground again.� At this point, it is still Brent Farf at the controls. Say it ain�t so! The Wookies lead the series 8-6 and the Wookies took the first meeting last year. The Envy and Cubists are also undefeated, but have opposite offensive philosophies. The once well-grounded Cubists are relying on flighty acrobatics of top receivers. Owner Jason Moore praised his opponent lavishly, �The Envy have clearly turned things around--they are deep at the skill positions. We need to slow down their running game and establish some offensive balance of our own.� It is true that the Envy have now won more games in 2007 than they did in the first six weeks of 2006, but Owner Perry Missner is taking nothing for granted. Still, he did not seem overly impressed by his opponent: �The Cubists had a nice win in Week One, but they may think that every team is going to score 47 points. That will not be the case. We have ridded ourselves of the cancer known as Scobee and hope the Dolphin D can hassle Romo more than the Giants.� Missner has replaced Scobee with longtime Cubist K Jason Elam and Ernie Sims will most likely make his debut for broken down Ray Lewis. Past champions Bull City and the Brents face off to ensure that one team makes it back to .500. Neither owner could be reached for comment after their frustrating Week One losses, but rumors were swirling that Owner Steve Johnson had offered Donovan McNabb to the 44�s for Brent Farf and cash considerations. It is my sad duty to report that Greg Jennings will make his debut for the Brents in Week Two. Why, Steve, why?!? The Brents swept the 2006 series, but the BC holds an 8-7 series edge. Last year, the Cookies won their first four games and championship fever swept Weasel Country. The fever turned out to be the flu and the Cookies died their annual death. This year, they broke the ice with a loss and now have to face what was once their nemesis. The fingerprints of the Einar still exist on the Red Herrings franchise, although they are faint. Tom Brady has promised the Weitz family that he will score five TD�s, but he will be hard pressed to do so against the Charger defense. Owner Charlie Mitchell has made the surprise, but ultimately very wise move of benching Larry Johnson. His replacement, Lavernues Coles, is questionable. In the first ever meeting of the teams, the Cookies won 101-78. Cookie local favorite Jason Witten is back and has said that he will give 110%.
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