Golden Horde 92 Peaks Island Wookies 56 As soon as the Comrade General announced that he would be unmasking himself at the start of his game against the Peaks Island Wookies (for whatever reason), league owners really began to speculate just who (or what) this Comrade General was. For example, Owner John Stoer jumped to this conclusion: “I think it's those cursed plastic helmets of yours [which are currently picking football games against the spread better than 99% of the country] who, like in Terminator or WarGames, are taking their first steps towards the destruction of humanity. I fully expect them to trade for T.O. before the season ends.” That trade has already been rejected. A suspicious Owner Rich Joseph thought the general was “my wife,” while the more realistic Owner Steve Johnson thought it might be “Einar (..or perhaps Mr. Blatz himself.)” These were all excellent guesses, but wrong. When Wookies’ Owner Will Mitchell went to shake the hand of the Comrade General before the game, he thought there was something familiar to the texture of his opponent’s hand. Just as a ray of sun glinted off the scary iron mask the Comrade General had been sporting, he lifted a hand and tore open the Velcro straps holding the mask on. [The following sentences were specially written for us by author Dan Brown] What was below the mask was so shocking, so unbelievable, and, yet, logical in its own way. Everyone was surprised, even the Comrade General’s team, the Golden Horde, who had assumed that their leader was a cybernetic organism from the future brought back to ensure peace and wins for the Golden Horde. So surprised was Mitchell that he instantly blanched, turning from Greg Gumbel to Bryant Gumbel in an instant without a trace of jive talking. While the face was familiar to some, it was unfamiliar to others. Yet, the voice – that voice with its low pitched timbre – was so familiar. It could only be… [end chapter] [next chapter] It could only be someone who knew the inner being of Will Mitchell, who knew just how to throw Wookie QB Rex Grossman (4/22) off his game, and who knew that the secret to defending Antonio Gates (8/47) was to send him a basket of strawberries before the game because Gates would eat them all and not want to play very hard. Yes, it could only be newest league Owner Charlie Mitchell, the brother of Will! The elder Mitchell was completely bamboozled and his team’s performance showed it. Grossman was cowed into a single point performance, tying Gates, while Cedric Benson (4/24) failed to score. Further confusing matters, the younger Mitchell gave his “Christmas game ball goes to [Larry] Bubbie [Johnson (9/131)], who wears red and keeps on giving, with honorable mention to Will, for giftwrapping that victory.” The Horde was also paced by Marvin Harrison (8/72) who had an unenjoyable 21 and Cato June (3/23), whose 11 points paced the offense. The entire Horde joined in the scoring fun (including TD’s from Lee Evans (2/14) and Wes Welker (3/22), but Charlie did not care for “Brad Johnson (1/-5), who gets a least valuable trophy on his way out the door, continuing the series of awful one week QB auditions while Hasselbeck recovers - results so far, 2 games, negative 8 points. Next up, Seneca Wallace...” Johnson was summarily executed by dink passes. Asked about his future plans, Comrade General Charlie said, “South Africa, Malawi, Madagascar, Burundi, Rwanda, Congo, Chad, Sudan, Liberia, Senegal, Togo, Benin, Mauritania, Ethiopia, Somalia, Egypt, Tunisia, Morocco, Libya, Algeria, Eritrea, Ivory Coast, Nigeria, Niger, Angola, Liberia, Uganda...now I am curious to go see which ones I left out - the Horde will eliminate those nations.” As for his overall performance (as an employee), Charlie said, “I'm a General and I manage the office softball team, so a 7.” And he’s modest too! A disgusted Will could only silently curse at himself (not in jive though) and hope to figure out the enigma that is Rex Grossman.
Brentful Brents 118 County Coroners 106 How big of a lead is enough? That must have been what Owner Steve Johnson was asking himself as he sleptwalk though his day on Monday. For another Sunday, the Brents blasted through the opponent, scoring seemingly at will. But on this Sunday, the County Coroners refused to yield. Every time LaDainian Tomlinson (8/156) would break the plane – three times for 30 more points and his 6th all pro game – Willie Parker (7/76) or Tickles Barber (8/74) would scratch and claw into the endzone. Tomlinson got the gameball for his performance and caused Johnson to ask rhetorically, “How does LT not have his own religion?” Meanwhile, young Marques Colston (8/66) scored another TD and 14 points from the WR slot. The ingenious Johnson has used Colston all over the field to make it difficult for opponents to gameplan for the rookie from Hofstra. Steven Jackson (8/86) and Joseph Addai (4/31) added to the TD party feeling. Jackson’s 16 points made for his second all-pro performance and the teams’ 17th (most in the league to go along with the most TD’s in the league as well – 51). Only somewhat disappointing to Johnson was Eli Manning (4/55): “Hey.. everyone put good points so I feel good. Expected a bit more out of Eli, but who can stay mad at the little guy.” The 6-5 Manning then spat on Johnson and asked “How’s the weather down there?” Also disappointing for Johnson was that he could only name a handful of African countries: “Lesotho (friends adopted from there) South Africa, Angola, Algeria, Zambia, Zaire, Zimbabwe... Ethiopia, Eritrea, Djibouti, Egypt, Morocco, Sudan, Chad, Congo, Republic of Congo, Ivory Coast, Gold Coast, Liberia, Tanzania, Ghana... I'm forgetting a lot but..that's all I got.” What about Libya, dammit? How could you forget Libya?!? He also forgot to gameplan for London Fletcher (8/89) who seemed to be Manning’s face all game long. Fletcher scored his second defensive TD, some blame Farf for this, and hit for a season high 25 points to keep the score close and the Brents honest. Marc Bulger (3/60) also continued his fine play with 14 points and a touch. Come Monday the Coroners found themselves in a thirty point hole, but they had five players left to go. Let’s see thirty divided by five is something less than ten, so the deficit seemed manageable. The Raider defense, as has been usually the case of late, did its part with Derrick Burgess (4/24) and Kirk Morrison (2/16) getting 16 points to allow three offensive players to share a 14 point burden. Those three combined for two points, causing the Coroners to fall to the Brents for the eighth straight time. Courtney “Binary” Anderson (8/14) looks like he was satisfied with his previous two week, nine point outburst and K Sebastian Janakowski (7/35) never even got an opportunity. Nuss’s team has now dropped three consecutive games, following a four game win streak. A relieved Johnson gave himself a good rating: “With 10 as a high... 7.5 to 8. I am not perfect, but am an asset.” The ass-et also said, “Definitely not a Gimme Game. Luck and LT prevail.”
The Ballbusters 106 P-Miss Envy 62 We can all agree that there are great powers out there that none of us can define or come close to understanding. Take, for example, the apparent power of negative advertising in politics. You can say anything you want about your opponent and some percentage (however small it might be) of your constituency will believe the ads. Former-RB and current hashish expert Ricky Williams seems to have a similar power. Twice in the last four years, the higher-than-a-kite Texas graduate has convinced his owner to keep him around for another season. The first time he was kept, Owner Perry Missner was backstabbed when Williams decided to retire just before the season. The P-Miss Envy subsequently went 9-8 and had championship aspirations all season long. Before the 2006 season, Ricky was up to his old tricks again. Owner Rich Joseph signed him up for another year after Ricky promised his owner that he had kicked the habit and would never inhale sweet, sweet Mary Jane again. That promise lasted a week and Ricky was once again caught toking away, resulting in a one year suspension and the loss of a keeper for the Ballbusters. Joseph, like Missner before him, was undaunted. He used his motivational techniques (he does rate himself a nine as an employee) to keep his team together and they started to string wins in a row. The key to the Busters has always been Peyton Manning (8/180), who gouged the Patriot defense for 19 points and his sixth all-pro performance. With Cookie QB Donovan McNabb (8/178) on the bye, Manning took over the point leadership. Joseph was even more impressed by DL Jason Taylor (5/53) who made some lucky plays in his 21 point deluge, his second all-pro game in three weeks. Joseph said, “Amazing!” Also not to be overlooked were TE Tony Gonzalez (6/46) who continued his resurgence with 16 points, his first all-pro game of the season and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (5/42) who scored another TD and 10 points. Joseph found he hated Lamont Jordan (6/27) almost as much as he “hates geography.” Jordan scored an inconsequential four points on Monday night and Joseph said, “hope he enjoyed his last game as a starter!” For Missner, Week Nine was more of the same except much, much worse. He noted, “Well, it was about time injuries started taking their toll on our team. [Bernard] Berrian (3/25), [Willis] McGahee (8/48), and Derrick Johnson (5/19) – combining for one point - all left their games, and as it happens each left before doing anything. Thanks, football gods, thanks. Couple this with the Bears loss and it was a crappy football week.” LB Brian Urlacher (8/61) was also injured with a sprained toe, but he politely waited until the end of the game to get hurt. Missner, who doesn’t think highly of himself as an employee either (“3 out of 10 – I reliably get my work done and am generally pleasant (a point apiece), but I couldn’t give a crap about corporate initiatives or what’s going on in the rumor mill. Plus, I don’t like to spend extra minutes there – 4:28, I am out the door.”) also noted, “We expected Patrick Kerney (1/3) to be in the Detroit backfield all game long. He’s cut.” On the plus side, he gave the gameball to “Roy Williams (7/65), who leads all wide receivers in all-pro performances (with three). We’d like to take this time to give mention to Robbie Gould (6/67) as well. He’s been inspirational.” The game marked the third time the Envy allowed 100+ (with an average allowance of 94.6 ppg) and the second time they’ve been blown out. For the Busters, it was their fourth 100+ score and their first blowout of the season. Joseph, who finds his team in a tie for first place after four straight wins, commented, “What a great feeling having a victory after the 1:00 games! That will never happen again! I actually watched the Pats game and rooted against Peyton!”
Bull City Baers (sp?) 91 Syracuse 44’s 80 Owners John Stoer and Randy Chambers have had their differences over the years. There was the time that Stoer ate Chambers’ last slice of pizza (it was pepperoni and mushroom). There was also a memorable clash over who was the bigger jerk Terrell Owens or George W. Bush that they still haven’t settled. Yet, when it comes time to make a deal, the two seem to be able to smooth out their differences and come to an equitable arrangement. While the details of the bargaining sessions that probably took place leading up to the teams’ latest blockbuster will be lost to the sandhills of history, the result was a league altering swap that erases the last vestiges of what was once a feared Baer trio. Even before kickoff, the ink was starting to dry on a deal that sent long sought after RB Clinton Portis and fumbling guy Frank Gore to Bull City for RB Warrick Dunn and – wait for it, wait, wait… now – reigning MVP Shaun Alexander. The three healthy players suited up, knowing that it would be the last game for their respective teams. Portis (7/79) ended his 44 career on a high note with a TD, 11 points, and a gameball, while Stoer cast a suspicious eye at Gore (7/53), who has been on a downward trend since the opening week of the season. Dunn (8/61) did what he has been doing all season: quietly scored and had 10 points. Upon hearing of the trade, Alexander (who has never appeared in the league in anything but a Baer uniform) burst out in tears, said that the thought his broken foot was actually getting worse, placed himself on the IR, and demanded a trade back to Bull City. Now that’s a way for the new fans to get to know you. Stoer said he would be happy to oblige Alexander with a trade, but it could only be to one of the following destinations: “S.Africa, Egypt, Angola, Libya, Cameroon, Morocco, Ivory Coast, Tunisia, Ghana, Somalia, Congo, Sudan, Botswana, Kenya, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Niger still called Niger?, and does Madagascar count. I'm missing an easy one I know, but it eludes me tonight.” We believe that would be Chad, which offered three Russian missiles in exchange for Alexander. Stoer said no. As for the game at hand, it was a case of what could have been for the 44’s. Chambers gave the gameball to Nick Novak (1/8). Although the Baers were paced by Drew Brees (8/127) who struck for three TD’s and 28 points, including a TD strike to TE Chris Cooley (the Baer tight ends have now scored eight or more points in four straight weeks), Stoer’s team had the antidote to Brees. Unfortunately, that medication was Javon “Post” Walker, who told his coach he was too sick to play after eating a barrel of strawberries (Walker and Antonio Gates often like together for strawberry eating parties) and left his 30 points on the bench. On a scale of 1-10, Stoer gave Walker a -13, but gave himself “an 8.25. A solid, dependable team player who would absolutely not, on his own, add one more piece of flair than required.” The 44’s did have one shot at redemption, but it was in the hands of WR Randy Moss (6/38) who was doing combat with Baer LB Julian Peterson (3/26) and a seven point deficit. Moss, who may be joining fellow former-Bear Alexander on his good will trip to Africa, scored five points and Peterson scored nine. And that was that. Stoer commented, “Crap. Kudos to the Baers for putting up a tough score to beat but it hurts to leave all those points on the bench and lose to the Cubists and Baers back-to-back yet again. Same old, same old in Syracuse. Crap.”
Weaselicious Cookies 89 San Francisco Cubists 58 Things just haven’t been the same for Owner Dan Weitz since NBC decided to end their long-running sit-com Friends. While Weitz used to be able to laugh and laugh at the antics of stupid Joey and neurotic Phoebe, now there is a hole in his Thursday night schedule that antics of stupid Joey by himself just don’t seem to fill. Over the past month, this hole has burrowed itself deeper and deeper into Weitz’s psyche and the only person who could keep him close to level was his QB, Donovan McNabb. With McNabb taking a one week break from shouldering the team’s load, Weitz resorted to crazy and desperate tactics to break himself and his team out of their slump. First, he replaced McNabb with ex-Cubist QB Jake Plummer (2/30), a move that reminded of him of nervous, pathetic, but still cunning Ross. Then, in a continuity gap as great as the Chandler-Monica relationship, he left a hole in his defense, hoping that it would be the only thing that Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists would see. The hole, like the naming of Plummer as starter, turned out to be a master stroke. The Cubists were so consumed by exploiting the lack of defenders, they could not execute even the simplest of offensive plays. Sure, Donald Driver (6/49) and the league’s leading tight end Alge Crumpler (8/62) snuck into the endzone, but Cubist running plays were fraught with disaster. Mike Bell (3/15) stumbled and tripped with big eyes looking at the hole rather than his offensive linemen. Rueben Droughns (5/20) could not catch even the softest of screen passes because he was ready to exploit the hole. For the Cubists, it was a lot of three downs and punt. When the Cookies got the ball, Plummer already had a plan. He threw for two TD’s and 25 points to keep the Cookies QB slot as the highest rated in the league (22.56 ppg) and handed off for another three scores. RB Kevin Jones (8/85) made a claim as the second most valuable Cookie with 21 points and his third all-pro performance. Deuce McAllister (4/19) also climbed out of the owner’s doghouse by scoring a TD and eight points. Despite being down a man, James Farrior (8/66) did his damnedest to get to Cubist offensive players who were drawn to the hole. As dusk settled on Sunday, Moore had one more chance for victory. Tom Brady (8/111) saved the Cubists in Week Eight, but Week Nine was another beast entirely. Intent on exploiting the hole, Brady continually stared at his receivers entering the chasm and did not take any notice of Antonio Winfield (5/24). Brady puked up a -6 and thereby killed any chance the Cubists had to get over the .500 mark. The Cookies, however, find themselves just a game out of first place and without a losing streak burdening their thoughts. In fact, Weitz came back to a familiar thought, “Why not us?”
Week 10 previews - With a three way tie on top of the leaderboard, things are getting very interesting in Modano land. Two of the three teams are currently buoyed by four game win streaks. The Brentful Brents, who are just 2-5 in previous Week Tens, have scored nearly 100 more points than any other team, but that lofty status does not take them out of the dogfight for first. In Week Ten, they get to shoot for a first bit of revenge by taking on the Golden Horde of Owner Charlie Mitchell. Both teams only scored one TD in Week One and the Horde had their ton of yards lead them to victory. Mitchell noted, “I can't change much, I missed the first four games - we'll be welcoming back Hasselbeck soon I hope. We're probably just going to have to run the table. Bubbie, Big Welk, J-Mill, Reggie, Marvin, you guys up for it? More pregame borscht.” Just stay away from the strawberries. Seneca Wallace is the new QB. Owner Steve Johnson used a pet phrase of the crypt keeper, “Just win baby!” He is going with Carson Palmer (for now) and returns Steve Smith and Adrian Wilson to the lineup. Owner Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters are also on a four game win streak (which ties the season high previously set by both the Cookies and Coroners). The Busters – who are undefeated in three previous Week Tens - take on the sinking Cubists and Joseph will also have revenge on his mind. In Week One, the Cubists took an 84-77 victory behind the inspirational play of Terrell Owens. Owens is now gone and so too is the inspiration. Owner Jason Moore has not made any changes to the Cubist lineup, but he should – he really should. Joseph has returned Anquan Boldin from the bye and gives Anthony “A-Train” Thomas his 2006 debut. Nice to see you again, A-Train. Joseph also said, “What will I do differently? .... have a winning record this year hopefully!” The Busters own a 5-2 series advantage. The third 6-3 team is the Peaks Island Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell does not have to look to avenge a Week One loss to the P-Miss Envy, but he still needs to put his jaw in place after being stunned by the appearance of his brother as a league owner. For now, Mitchell whose team won in the opening week by 10 points behind 19 points from Jeff Wilkins, has not made any changes to his lineup, which means that both Rex Grossman and Cedric Benson – the center of many one-sided trade talks - could be playing against the Envy. Owner Perry Missner, whose record is 5-8 against the Wookies, noted, “Hopes falls eternal! Now we start wreaking our revenge. First, our old friend Will, who should be shocked out of his shoes by now at the appearance of his brother. While we fear Grossman and his amazing powers, we are going to knock the snot out of Benson for not demanding a trade to the only home of the Chicago Bears. Unproductive players will be cut.” The Envy return Edgerrin James and Reggie Brown from the bye, Sean Taylor from the netherworld, and E.J. Henderson from the trash heap. At this point, Owner Dan Weitz hopes to ensnare another Sidwell Friend, Owner Randy Chambers, in his defensive gap strategy. Few people have forgotten how the Cookies opened their season with a 88-70 win over the Baers behind 25 points from a now rested Donovan McNabb. The Baers still lead the series 14-3, are 6-2 in Week Tens, and the Cookies are just 1-8 in Week Tens. Chambers has inserted newly acquired RB Clinton Portis into the RB slot and Frank Gore into the league’s worst O-flex (11.22 ppg). He also wished “Shaun Alexander well” and said cryptically, “sometimes the heart beats the head.” McNabb should return to the Cookie lineup as well as a third D-flex member. Finally, the 44’s hope recapture their finest hour when they take on the Coroners for the second time this season. In Week One, Owner John Stoer pushed his series advantage to 11-5 over the Coroners by demolishing the County by a 118-75 score. The 44’s were led by the now departed Kurt Warner, Frank Gore, and Clinton Portis, who combined for six of the team’s eight TD’s. Warrick Dunn makes his 44 debut and Brian Westbrook returns from the bye. No changes, as of yet, on the Coroner front, although the team is a surprising 6-2 in Week Tens. Stoer commented, “I don't know if Alexander will be return this week, next week, or at all this season, but we are happy to welcome him into the fold here in Syracuse and hope that his, as well as Warrick Dunn's, championship experience can help drive us down the stretch this season. And as this past week illustrates, we need to stop worrying about our opponent and start putting our best players on the field each and every week.”
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