Brentful Brents 133 Bull City Baers (sp?) 85 Things have been going very well lately for Owner Steve Johnson. He has the Brents rolling along. He �redid the whole laundry room, lights � drywall, and I didn't kill myself.� And even his Packers are winning (having defeated the three wins over teams who combined wins equal three). If only life continued to be this easy. Generally, when reading the preceding sentence and big �but� or �however� is coming, but not for Johnson � he can even overcome the dreaded �if only life continued to be this easy� sentence. In Week Eight, the Brents � who are now Brentful, something that will no doubt cause problems for young QB�s Carson Palmer (5/53) and Eli Manning � met the reigning champion Baers and played the kind of smash mouth football that is becoming the envy of the league. Johnson made the late switch of QB�s, always keeping his QB platoon on their toes, and received an all-pro performance from Palmer with 17 points rather than Manning�s decent 11. Palmer�s favorite target was apparently rookie Marques Colston (5/52), who broke through with 22 points. He would be the leading tightend scorer if he always played there, but Johnson saw no reason to sit Todd Heap (4/29) who scored another TD. With the deluge of TD�s hitting them like the ability �to change a light bulb without starting a fire,� the Baers had to struggle just to stay on the same field as the Brents. The QB-TE connection kept Owner Randy Chambers� team in contention. Drew Brees (7/99) returned from the bye with 20 points with two of his three TD�s being brought down by Desmond Clark (3/23), who turned out to be an excellent replacement for Chris Cooley. In fact, Clark�s 17 points were more than Cooley scored in his first six appearances. With Clark�s all-pro performance, the Baers are now the only team to have all-pro games from a QB, RB, WR, TE, K, and defensive player. Unfortunately, the rest of the Baers scored fewer times than Chambers has fired a gun: �My Alabama-born housemate once let me shoot clay pigeons with his shotgun. Only time I've ever handled a firearm.� The Baer O-flex was particularly putrid as they combined for just six points. They are worst O-flex in the league by a fairly decent margin, scoring just 12.0 ppg. After two weeks of either Hines Ward (7/58) or Torry Holt (7/78) setting the world on fire, the two combined for just eight points. Chambers overlooked both of them and pinned the week�s blame on �Our defense. Allowing the other team's running backs to score 8 TDs is U-G-L-Y... we ain't got no alibi.� It may be that Chambers� math skills are as bad as his grammar � �ain�t got no�� Of course, it may have seemed like LaDainian Tomlinson (7/126) scored eight TD�s by himself as he bludgeoned his was for 33 points on three scores. Johnson (as well as Chambers) gave him the gameball and gave him a cute pet name, �super stud.� He also could have chosen his namesakes Steven Jackson (7/70) or Steve Smith (6/58) for the gameball, but that might seem like nepotism. Speaking of which, Johnson noted, �Well... if I went to my father-in-laws more often.. I could do [shoot a gun] a ton. As of now... maybe twice.� There�s a shotgun wedding joke in there somewhere. Among the many accolades that the Brents have achieved recently are the top scoring team for the last three weeks, the best set of keepers (254 points), the most TD�s (44 on the season, 10 for the week), the two highest winning margins, and the best rated RB (16.63 ppg), TE (7.00 ppg), D-flex (26.38 ppg), and overall score (101.00 ppg). All in all, the rather concise Johnson put it thusly, �I got TDs from everyone except Maroney.. and he had some good points. Whats not to love.� Chambers, whose team allowed triple digits for the first time this season, was left to just shake his head in amazement and utter, �Steve's team has got the goods, so when they are on, there is little we can do.�
Peaks Island Wookies 80 County Coroners 64 In the past few weeks, something odd has happened to Owner Will Mitchell. As he has been chained to his computer, trying to figure out how to unearth the best college basketball players in the country for his new venture, the Patrioyas, his skin tone has faded from a rich coffee color to a rather bland latte tone. He has almost completely stopped speaking in Jive, preferring the King�s English (although every now and then he�ll drop an �Aahh Be Bad!� into the conversation), when he speaks at all. This gradual whitening has also caused a shift in the Wookies demographic: the African-American players are no longer selling out for every play and the Wookies have had to rely on their whities to propel them to victories. Against the undermanned Coroners, the whitie Wookies had a fairly easy time. Once again the Missner corollary hurt Owner Chad Nuss. In case you didn�t already know, the Missner corollary states that if you want your NFL team to win, your Modano team is going to have to be sacrificed. In Week Eight, the Oakland Raiders beat the Pittsburgh Steelers (who included Coroner RB Willie Parker (6/56) who led the team with 12 points and scored one of the only two TD�s). Therefore, the Coroners had to lose. If one were to look for a goat in this game, it might be QB Jake Delhomme (6/46) who has now scored an equal amount of points as backup QB Marc Bulger, although it only took Bulger two games to tally the 46 points. Bulger, meanwhile, scored 22 points from the bench. By our reckoning, that point differential would have been enough to tip the scales of the game. The earth also returned to its axis as Courtney Anderson (7/14) scored nothing after a two week, nine point binge. It should be noted that Derrick Burgess (3/18) returned the Coroners and scored 12 points. Duly noted. For the Wookies, the scoring was simply not impressive. Keyshawn Johnson (6/49) seems to be most hurt by the bleaching of Mitchell. Johnson, playing against his old team the Cowboys who preferred TO to him, had just one point and glared furiously at Delhomme throughout the game. On the other hand, Mitchell seems to have Cedric Benson�s (3/22) routine down pat. Mitchell put Benson in the lineup, despite being a backup, and Benson scored a TD. Rudi Johnson (7/65) also scored a TD, but the team was led by Rex Grossman (3/21), who put the awful Week Six performance behind him with a beautiful first half of football and 26 points, his first all-pro performance. With Mitchell favorite Drew Bledsoe now off the team (with a restraining order that Bledsoe not come within 50 yards of a barrel of soup again), Grossman is now the Wookie QB for the future. If the Wookie D-flex keeps up their excellent play (allowing the fewest points in the league � 75.38 ppg), Grossman may be in line for one championship or another.
San Francisco Cubists 82 Syracuse 44�s 58 Pre-game banter during the week from these two owners centered on rookie Reggie Bush (7/35), who despite all the hype has yet to score on anything other than a punt return. Owner Jason Moore tried to get Bush involved in as many crazy plays as he could, but Bush was not up to running, receiving, or passing as he through a lofting pass right into the teeth of the 44 defense. All in all, Bush ended up with a -2, the Cubists� first non-positive performance of the season and was really not a factor, except for the 44 D-flex which focused all of their resources to stopping the former USC student. Owner John Stoer was so focused on stopping Bush that he went slightly crazy, put on a suit, and demanded that people call him either Scott Anderson, John Kruk, or Dick Vitale. �I don�t care,� he demanded, �as long as it someone from the Worldwide Leader.� As such, Stoer/Stu Scott related a number of amusing tales: on home improvement �To be more like the world's idol, T.O., I installed my own ab-crunch machine in my driveway.� On the undefeated status of the Bears and Colts: �They'll go undefeated until one of them has to play T.O. and the Cowboys because, let me tell you, neither one of them has an answer for T.O. when T.O. is making plays like only T.O. can do.� On how many times he has fired a gun: �Look, it's not about how many times, what's more important is that like T.O., I've never missed at what I was shooting at.� Man, it�s like Stoer was in production meeting for ESPN and stole their notes. How did he do it? And what made him go so crazy? Perhaps it was that he almost no one to give the gameball to because his team only scored two TD�s. One coming from �Javon Walker (4/27) caught a TD pass just like T.O., the most important figure in the history of humanity, does every week when his stupid QB gets him the ball.� But when it comes to TO, �Randy Moss (5/33) [was disappointing with just one point], who is nowhere close to as good as T.O., but it can't be his fault because his QB must not have thrown it to him where he could make plays.� Prior to that statement, Stoer insisted that his followers call him Michael Irvin and snorted a long line cocaine, followed by a long line of gibberish about TO. While the 44�s were driving Stoer crazy, the Cubists weren�t doing much better for Moore, who is �not sure I have ever topped hanging some blinds.� Chad Johnson (7/39) scored the first of many TD�s while wearing a Cubist uniform and Alge Crumpler (7/53) continued his recent hot streak. Moore noted, �Nice to see Ocho-Cinco get his first Cubist TD. And Donnie Edwards (7/47) seems to be rounding into form.� The Cubists had a seven point deficit going into overtime, but had Tom Brady (7/117) going against Chester Taylor (4/38). Moore said, �I have fired a .22 7 or 8 times, but never a handgun, and I am putting Brady in the shotgun.� Brady responded to the new alignment with a season high 33 points and four TD�s, while Taylor was flummoxed with only two points. A disgruntled Stoer, who refused to be called anything but Linda Cohm, cried, �The Cubists have a QB who knows how to let his receivers make plays while our QB threw 4 picks- to give us 22 turnovers in 8 weeks, a little shy of 3 a game. Can't win consistently like that. Oh yeah, also, we were just lucky the margin wasn't greater since T.O., God to all, is no longer a Cubist.�
The Ballbusters 103 Weaselicious Cookies 90 What�s Owner Dan Weitz to do? Just a month ago, he had the world on a string with his Cookies flying undefeated above the rest of the league. Fast forward a month and the Cookies are now in the middle of the pack, suffering through a four game win streak. What happened? Where did Weitz go wrong? We sent our pack of investigative journalists to find out. The results: nothing has changed for Weitz or the Cookies, but the competition has changed immensely. Let�s take a look at the stats. As you can see from this table, the Cookies scored 92.5 ppg in their first four games. Now, you�d expect a huge drop off from a four game win streak to a four game losing streak, right? Ah, but the Cookies have scored 87.25 ppg in their last four games. What in the Sam hell is going on? Well, we�ll need another column for our powerpoint table. You see, in the first four games, the Cookies allowed a league low 72.5 ppg, but lookee what happened in the last four games � allowing 110.0 ppg. Another point of interest is that the first four teams on the Cookies schedule all have below .500 records while the last four are all above the even water mark. Interesting! In Week Eight, we finally saw the undoing of the incredible Donovan McNabb (8/178). McNabb�s streak of all-pro performances ended at seven as he was stymied by the complicated Buster D-flex with just seven points and zero TD�s. The rest of the Cookies picked up the pieces though as five others scored in double digits. Only Deuce McAllister (3/11) failed his owner and failed to score. Of course, there was another team playing here and it was Owner Rich Joseph�s Ballbusters. Much like the Cookies had, the Busters have been relying heavily on their QB and Peyton Manning (7/161) has been up to the task. Manning now has a higher per game average than McNabb and has scored more than 30 points in the last two weeks. Joseph even gave him the gameball because �I would never give it to Ahole out of respect to the media.� The aforementioned Ahole �Put it on the� Green (7/54) punished the ineffectual Cardinal D for 20 points and his first all-pro game. Yet, no gameball � the power of the media! K Adam Vinatieri (4/41) also returned with a booming 14 points and Tony Gonzalez (5/30) continued his renaissance with nine points � all on yards. Joseph was unhappy with the play of RB Travis Henry (1/1) and trumped all of the other league owners by �adding a second floor� to his house. Even with his love for Peyton, Joseph predicted that the Colts would only stay undefeated one more week and the Bears would make it two weeks. All in all, Joseph was satisfied and happy that his team had scored 100+ for the third time, won five of their last six games, and was in sniffing distance of first place. The Cookies fell to just 1-8 in Week Eights.
Golden Horde 98 P-Miss Envy 79 The General of the Golden Horde has elicited a number of responses from various league owners in his short time in the league. He has not been able to crow too loudly, despite his team�s increased point production because the wins have not been forthcoming. Yet, he was proud of himself and his �building of several houses. I guess putting up roof trusses is the most fun part of the whole process.� In Week Eight, he noted the poor opponent, the P-Miss Envy, who came in with the same number of wins but one more loss, and licked his lips. Things got off to a rough start for the Horde, as the Envy scored three quick TD�s a half hour after the first games had started. Edgerrin James (8/52) hit pay dirt for the first time in awhile, Thomas Jones (7/53) scored a TD on a sweep, and Owner Perry Missner gave the gameball to �my hunch pick, Muhsin Muhammed (1/10), who came through with an early score.� The Horde defense then settled in and made a mockery of the Envy, just as Missner makes a mockery of home improvement: �I have been very successful in changing light bulbs. I also once unclogged the garbage disposal without losing any fingers.� The General made the saavy move of paying off several of the opponents, which is legal and expected in Belarus, causing the Envy to fall. David Carr (3/12) was the worst of the Envy, losing the team six points before being benched, then cut, then drawn and quartered, but Missner saved his anger for his tight end: �I blame all of our early season troubles on Heath Miller (7/25). What was I thinking? Heath is a girl�s name, isn�t it? Short for Heather? No one would name their girl Edgerrin or Willis or Brian! We have now excised Heather and will be sure to win more without him. He didn�t even score that TD in the first game.� The Envy did received a strong game from Shawne Merriman (7/68) who had three sacks, followed by a total destruction of the Envy locker room in one of his many roid rages. It wasn�t all peaches and sunshine for the Horde either. The General announced, �Like Lipitor, [QB Chad] Pennington (3/12) really needs diet and exercise to do anything.� Pennington lost his team just three points, half the negative production of Carr. Spite play Rashied Davis (1/2) also never got going, but that was probably because the ball was dominated by two Horde members, Larry Johnson (8/114) and Reggie Wayne (7/72), each unstoppable in their very own way. The General claimed, �Great games from Wayne and Justin Miller (3/32), but Larry Johnson cut down Seahawks like Crestor through cholesterol.� Yes! All three had all-pro games and Johnson and Wayne each notched season records for their 35 and 29 points, respectively. Upon the win, breaking a six game non-winning streak (five losses and a tie), the General took out all of his arsenal and fired �around 200-250 shots.� He also predicted, �The Bears will lose in two weeks at the NYGiants. The Colts will run the table and lose the AFC title game to the Pats.� This prediction was counted by Missner who saw the future and it looked like this: �I think the Bears will beat Miami and the New York teams, then lose in three weeks when they travel to Foxboro. The Colts will beat the Pats this weekend (it�s still the regular season) and go on to win every game until Week 14, when they have little to play for and lose at Jacksonville. Eerily similar to last year.� Summing up the game, Missner noted, �Except for being unable to contain two players and a kick returner, we held the Horde fairly well. I suppose if they had scored 100, we would have won because I would have started Vince Young (whose 22 point difference from David Carr would have made the difference). And the General teased me that we should start Young and Charlie Batch.�
Week 9 previews - In Week Nine, the General of the Golden Horde has promised a special announcement. Some of the details of the announcement have leaked to the press corps, but we are only able to divulge that the General will assure the people of Belarus that he will bring a championship to their fair country in the next five year plan. He also stated, �This matchup against the Wookies is our Super Bowl. He comes in talking smack in a dialect I barely understand - but the Wooks do lead the league, and that means media interest in the game, so this is our time to shine before the bright lights and cameras disappear from the steppe. We've been [close to] 100 three straight weeks, and now with a win under our belt, I feel pretty confident we can pull this off. Yo Will, the General's gonna slap yer fro.� It�s so curious that the General is taking this photo op so seriously, what else will he tell us? Last year, the Wookies and the Blatz split their series, with each winner scoring in triple digits. For the time being, Owner Will Mitchell has Plaxico Burress and Rodney Harrison back in the lineup, while Cedric Benson is sure to score another TD. The General has veteran QB Brad Johnson handing off to Bubbie (who received a gameball from Owner Randy Chambers this week as well) as well as the debuts of Ben Watson and Leonard Little for the big game. With the Wookies out in front by a game (a position that usually makes them yelp nervously), the rest of the league has to start the chase. Heading the contenders are the Brentful Brents who face off against the County Coroners, otherwise known as the Gimme Game for Owner Steve Johnson. In recent years, the Brents have dominated the Coroners like no other pairing, holding an 11-2 series edge and winning the last seven meetings. To break the string, Owner Chad Nuss has loaded up his roster with players on Monday night, including three Raiders � TE Courtney Anderson, LB Kirk Morrison, and DL Derrick Burgess. Where�s Kenny Stabler and Howie Long? For now, Johnson has QB Eli Manning slated to start with Marques Colston jumping into the WR slot. RB Joseph Addai is back and DL Aaron Kampman makes his zero point debut. Johnson said, �All I can hope for is more of the same, but this week we are up against some good RBs.� The Brents have scored 93 more points than any other team. One of those second leading scoring teams is the Ballbusters who taking on the flailing Envy. Owner Rich Joseph said, �Keep are heads on track! Joseph is giving cute little WR Mike Furrey his debut and returns Jason Taylor, who will be pancaked by John Tait repeatedly. Owner Perry Missner has made big changes with the Envy roster � finally. He has brought in former Buster backup QB Michael Vick as well as TE Owen Daniels, and DL Patrick Kerney. WR Bernard Berrian also makes his debut for the Envy, who were beaten by the Busters in their only meeting last year to tip the scales to a 3-2 Buster edge. Missner commented, �We only get one crack at Rich, so we had better make it count. Frankly, I think this whole football fiasco has been an answer to the relatively easy time I had with it in baseball this year. That run all started when Rich stunningly traded me Torii Hunter for Justin Duchscherer and Joey Gathright, a trade he knew was inadvisable as soon as he made it. So, these things tend to balance out, we�ll start our second half romp now!� The other 5-3 team is the Syracuse 44�s, who meet their second ancient rival in a row, the Bull City Baers. Last year the Bears and 44�s only played in Week Nine with the Baers escaping with a victory. Owner Randy Chambers now owns an 11-4 series edge over his old friend Owner John Stoer and the Baers have won four of the last five meetings. To this, Stoer said, �It's a stiff challenge to have to break a losing a streak against the fired-up defending champs, but we'll see what we can do to score some points and compete against the best. And before I forget, where would we be without T.O. to dominate every moment of our sporting lives. I don't even remember how I took a breath before T.O. and I was thinking that maybe we should redefine our calenders to be pre-T.O. and post-T.O. and even that small tribute may not be enough to honor the man.� He then donned his white and blue #81 jersey and began to mimic Ray Lewis. Michael Irvin immediately pronounced Stoer, �the kind of owner I�d like to play for.� A statement that made Chambers retch. When he finally came to, Chambers said, �Is Alexander healthy yet?!� Upon hearing the answer, there was more retching. Chambers has not made any alterations to his lineup, but he will probably replace WR Donte Stallworth and K John Kasay, who are on the bye. The ever-transforming 44 lineup now boasts Steve �Pear� McNair, TE Dallas Clark, and former-Baer Marcus Washington. Two trending 4-4 teams meet in the fifth and final game of the week. The Cookies won four, then lost four, so will they now win four in a row? Or will they continue to lose four more? So many questions. Owner Jason Moore had some answers as he noted, �No complaints here about not having to face McNabb.� It�s true. Donovan McNabb, the league�s leading scorer, is finally on the bye and he takes DeShaun Foster with him. Owner Dan Weitz can replace Foster with returning Kevin Jones but does not have another QB on his roster. Let�s hope he�s not fishing for another date with Jennifer Aniston. She�s off the market � now dating stunt comedian Gallagher. Moore, whose team also notched a one game sweep last year and leads the series 10-5, returns Mike Bell, Isaac Bruce, Zach Thomas, and Rueben Droughns to the lineup.
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