The Ballbusters 111, Golden Horde 104 The Comrade General had hoped to reveal himself to the league and to the world in the near future, but he had hoped it would be to a ticker tape parade heralding a new era in the Modano Mi Hermano league. If recent events continue, however, the unveiling of the General may be at his funeral due to heartbreak over his team�s lack of luck. Since taking over the team, the General has put his personal stamp on the team, excising parts of the team he did not like and adding players like Wes Welker (2/13) and Justin Miller (2/16) who caught his fancy. In Week Seven, he employed a cagy strategy by noting his opponent�s lineup that included the second highest scoring player, Peyton Manning (6/130), and taking away as many of Manning�s weapons as he could. The strategy was semi-successful as the Horde�s combination of Marvin Harrison (6/49) and Reggie Wayne (6/43) combined for 30 points, nearly negating Peyton�s 35, a league high for the season. Owner Rich Joseph gave Manning the gameball nevertheless. The Horde kept the attack on getting a pair of TD�s from Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (7/79), in his second all-pro performance, and an early TD from Matt Hasselbeck (6/62) before he went down with some minor injury that will sideline him for at least a month. Wuss. The General said, �Hasselbeck gets the gameball - just because we aren't going to see him around for a while, and he was on pace to help us before the injury.� The General was not as happy with Greg Jennings (2/13), who went scoreless, got hurt with another trivial oowie and �gets a party sub of rancid tuna.� Speaking of Jennings, the General thought �Opposition to gay marriage confuses me. Why does anyone care?� While Joseph, who accesses �fantasy� website more than any other, used the common counter argument that �At least it keeps them off the streets!� The native of Shrewsbury was not pleased once again with Santana Moss (7/50) who scored one point and sentenced the Redskin receiver to a week spent at Burger King. While Manning ignored Moss, he hit T.J. Houshmandzadeh (3/28) for a TD, TE Tony Gonzalez (4/21) for nine points worth of yards, and even got Ahole �Put it on the� Green (6/34) to stop fumbling long enough to score 13. Jason Taylor (4/32) led the Buster defense with 17 points, making the Packer offensive line look as silly as they are. Taylor credited the General�s recommendations on using �usaa.com a lot. Too many accounts. Plus youtube for deleted Borat scenes.� The General also commented that the �worst fast food would be the chilis/applebees/olive garden/macaroni grill/tgif/outback conglomerate, maybe tied with the waffle house.� With both teams nearing triple digits, the game went into overtime, pitting Jeremy Shockey (7/35) against Osi Umenyiori (3/11). Despite Shockey�s TD, both Giants scored seven points and the Busters kept their seven point lead. For the second straight week, the Horde scored in triple digits and lost � a feat never before accomplished in Modano history, although the Baers, Busters, and Cookies all lost twice with 100+ points in the 2004 season. In case you are interested, the Baers have the most 100 point losses with six. Meanwhile, the Busters (who had only won two games by less than ten points in their previous three seasons) won their fourth game of the season by less than 10 points. The record for such wins in a season is five, set by the Envy (2000), Cookies (2001), Coroners (2002), and Beers (2002). All in all, Joseph exclaimed, �Second win over a foe with 100 points or more? I love it!� A downcast General replied, �We are scoring more each week, and have set a new goal of leading the league in overall points by year end regardless of our record. We hope to continue our upward trend, despite the devastating loss of our team leader and QB.� He then went on an extended rant about how he hates furry things, which was concluded when he crotch-chopped at the media repeatedly. Finally, Justin Miller grabbed the General of the media dais and tried to console the grieving owner.
Bull City Baers (sp?) 89 Peaks Island Wookies 67 You have to give Owner Randy Chambers credit. While some people continue to believe that fantasy football is more luck that skill, season after season, Chambers lines his team up and no matter the defections or injuries, they continue to win. The Baers are, in fact, the only team to post more wins than losses in every year of Modano and it looks like 2006 will be no different than past year. Sure, Chambers could have had a fit when reigning league MVP Shaun Alexander went down, but he didn�t bat an eyelash. He calmly changed the focus of the team from a three yards and a cloud of dust offense to an Air Coryell inspired gameplan. Against the team (the Wookies) with the best record (5-1) coming into Week Seven, Chambers had to change things up further. He sat QB Drew Brees, the league�s third leading scorer through six games, who was on the bye anyway and brought in untested QB Philip Rivers (1/14). On all plays, he had the max protect offense in, keeping Greg Lewis (2/1), Keenan McCardell (1/3), and Reggie Williams (2/9) to block. The Baer O-flex only scored four points as a result, but they also negated blitzing Wookie D-flex players like Julius Peppers (5/57) and Lofa Tatupu (6/46), who combined for just six points. Owner Will Mitchell, who is in the field this week (which means no Dialectizing this week. �Slap my �fro!�), had to like his chances early on after Corey Dillon (6/45) scored a couple of TD�s for his first all-pro game of the year and Antonio Gates (6/42) re-staked his claim as the game�s best tight end with ten points and a TD. Unfortunately, those two did the majority of the Wookie scoring on Sunday and were overshadowed by the Baers up front, who went nutty loco for the second straight week. Chambers gave the gameball to �Heinz [Ward (6/53)], for one-upping Big Game. Rivers, for making a solid debut.� Ward burnt Troy Polamalu (5/48), who was more interested in protecting his hair, repeatedly. Hiney, as Chambers like to call him, scored three TD�s and 29 points, breaking the 28 point record set by Torry Holt in Week Six. Ward�s fantastic play opened up the middle of the field for Chris Cooley (7/26), who continues to improve after a dismal start, and Warrick Dunn (6/47), who galloped for a TD and double-digit points for the second straight week. Chambers was anti-Bolts as he waved bye bye to Shaun Phillips (1/0) and McCardell, (about whom he said, �They all stink to hog heaven. Damn Marty Ball�) but he is �standing erect, in favor� of gay marriage. Plaxico Burress (6/48) would have needed a 45 points night on Monday to tip the scales in the favor of the Wookies, but he came up 33 points short. The Wookies fell to 1-7 in Week Sevens and have the worst rated QB position (5.00 ppg) despite a 14 point improvement from Week Six to Week Seven. The Baers are allowing the least points (75.00 ppg) in the league and Chambers said, �About time we started rolling. .500 is the first step toward the precious fourth ring...� After a rough start, the Baers are only a game and a half out of first, despite four teams within that margin.
P-Miss Envy 87 County Coroners 82 Streaks come and streaks go � in the end it all equals out, so it is best to keep an even keel when it comes to ownership demeanor. Owner Perry Missner knew that there was nothing essentially wrong with his team that a dash of better luck and a spark of interest couldn�t heal. However, when facing the hottest team in the league, the County Coroners who had won their previous four games, Missner knew that he�d need more than sparkling luck or even lucky sparklers. Luckily, he had a defensive scheme that did just the trick in confusing the ground attacking Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss has a preference for using the running attack 75% of the time, so the Envy�s stacked eight to nine D-flex members in the box and made Jake Delhomme (6/48) and Darrell Jackson (3/36) try to beat them. Both components of the Coroner passing attack had big games with 16 points apiece and three TD�s. The Coroners have a nice streak of four straight all-pro performances from their QB�s (two from Marc Bulger with a couple of Delhomme 15+ days on either end). But, for once, an Envy plan worked as the Coroner runners were stymied. Willie Parker (5/44) couldn�t find an inch to maneuver and Cadillac Williams (6/32) and Ronnie Brown (7/63) both wished they were back at Auburn after the licking they took from such Envy D-flex members as the roided out Shawn Merriman (6/51). Speaking of merry man, Missner had this to say about gay marriage, �Where you stick your thing � as long as you aren�t hurting anybody � is your business. If you prefer men, that�s fine too. It�s okay with you too, isn�t it, Jesus?� Jesus did not comment. While the Coroner running attack was stuck in neutral, the Envy passing attack had its most glorious day of the season. David Carr (2/18) erased memories of his poor Week Six performance with 19 points and two TD strikes. His two TD�s translated into three TD�s for his receivers as Heath Miller (6/25), Reggie Brown (2/22), and Roy Williams (6/50) all found the endzone. Williams pronounced that the Envy would not lose another game � a thought shared by no one else. Despite the many passing TD�s, the Envy ground game did not materialize. Missner commented, �I don�t know what Edgerrin James (7/40) is doing in Arizona either. Of course, I probably wouldn�t have been able to trade for him if he wasn�t a Cardinal. He�ll be fine.� He also noted, �Although I generally like how Burger King�s food tastes, it always makes me feel sick thirty minutes later. Probably not the best of signs. It�s been a while since I had a flame broiled Whopper, so maybe I should give them another shot.� Thirty minutes later, he felt sick. Despite the excellent strategy and the overcoming of the loss of four Bear starters, the Coroners held a two point edge heading into overtime. The Coroners still had Tickles Barber (6/54) going against Terrell Owens (4/48) and Mike Vanderjagt (1/2). While the Cowboys were lousy, they did what they needed to do to get the Envy their first win. Missner slapped TO five and said, �For the second straight week, TO demands the gameball and he gets it. Carr was sensational and there were other fine performances, but TO won this game for us. He has been the spark that we needed and he deserves all the acclaim he can get. You the man, TO!� TO immediately asked to renegotiate his contract. Missner thought he had also taught Nuss a broader lesson: if you want your NFL team to win (like the Raiders did in Week Seven), then your fantasy team must lose (like the Envy did in the first six weeks to supply the Bears with victories). You see, we do effect the environment around us! A nearly speechless Missner said, �A win! I am almost at a loss for how to react. Losing had become endemic in our clubhouse, so we needed to change things. Say what you want about TO, but when it comes to fantasy he is winner. �Give me the ball every down,� is the perfect attitude for fantasy. I am a little sorry to cut the Coroners win streak short and cost them a share of first place, but there is little time for pity when you have so much ground to make up.�
Syracuse 44�s 108 Weaselicous Cookies 93 It was just three short weeks ago that Owner Dan Weitz said via his Yahoo! smack talker, �Can we end the season now?� While he could claim to be prophetic, Weitz knows the history of the Cookies all too well to believe that his 4-0 start was anything more than a mirage. What has happened in the last three weeks, then, has surprised absolutely no one. You simply can�t change who you are. The same could be said about the Cookie QB, Donovan McNabb (7/171) who was injured and embattled last year. In 2006, McNabb has had one of the greatest first halves of a season in Modano history. He is especially good after he has been contained for the first half. In Week Seven, he threw two interceptions that were returned for TD�s, but even his own mental errors were not enough to stop his raging production. By the time he was done, McNabb had scored another three TD�s and 24 points, his seventh all-pro game of the season. He hit Kevin Jones (7/64) � a 44 washout from a year ago � on a screen pass for a TD and Andre Johnson (6/57) on a bomb for a TD. He also made the mistake of negating most of his points by setting up Brian Westbrook (7/85) for a TD and 20 points, his third all-pro performance. Owner John Stoer gave Westbrook the gameball and noted, �100 yards rushing and receiving, the most underrated back in football, Mr. Brian Westbrook.� Speaking of Westbrook, Stoer commented, �A legal marriage is essentially a legal contract and for homosexuals [or ferries, as they liked to be called] not to have the same legal standing as heterosexuals is incomprehensible in a free society.� Stoer also received excellent performances from Chester Taylor (3/36) who had his first all-pro game of 18 and WR Randy Moss (4/32), who scored a season high 14 points, including a TD. The newly recruited D-flex also scored a pleasant 24 points led by Al Wilson and Antonio Pierce, who had nine points apiece. The only problem for the 44�s was the guy at the top of the lineup, �Chad Pennington (2/15), who had the opportunity for a big day and didn't deliver.� Pennington�s performance was like eating at �Subway: Sure their food has no grams of fat, it's because there is no food in there! Nobody gets fat on bread and lettuce. And it tastes like crap too.� At least they have artists making your food � what other fast food restaurant can make that claim? Weitz and his Cowboys had one last gasping attempt to break the cruel fate of nine years of history by stealing a win, but Julius Jones (6/49) and Jason Witten (6/14) were simply not up to scoring more than four point apiece. Stoer, whose team now shares a piece of first place and is 5-2 for the second time in franchise history (2001), said, �We were lucky to win. MVP had 24 points even with 3 picks. The Weas also had 4 other guys in double digits. Fortunately, Westbrook is a beast and Chester had his 95yd gallop. The new D played well too. A solid effort to put us into first place, and, on a side note, man it's nice to watch the Cowboys get beat down on Monday Night Football especially when you are facing a couple of their guys.�
Brentful Brents 117 San Francisco Cubists 97 Here is some inside information: it used to be that the fifth game of the recaps was usually one were it was going to be a tough write to get the required 32 lines of text. In 2006, however, with parity sweeping the league, it�s hard to know who to put on the top and who to shove down here. In many other weeks, a battle between two 3-3 teams who have very different luck this season could have been the top story. However, when Owner Steve Johnson signed QB Brent Farf to join his team again (after being relegated to the only Packer fan in the group), the game lost its luster as well as its cache. Farf�s appearance had no bearing on the game, but his place on the waiver wire seemed appropriate. Owner Jason Moore had commented on the point scoring disparity between the two of the same record coming in. That disparity is wider now as the Brents are now the top scoring team in the league (96.43 ppg) and the Cubists are the lowest scoring team (75.71 ppg), despite season highs in overall score as well as QB, RB, and TE positions, but that�s getting a bit ahead of ourselves. Everything looked set for the Cubists to have a huge week and in many respects they did just that. QB Tom Brady (6/84) made use of all of his weapons in scoring 18 points, his fourth all-pro game. He seemed to be aware of where TE Alge Crumpler (6/43) was at all times and Crumpler, who was given a gameball, scored a TE season record 25 points on three TD�s. It was the highest tightend score since Week 8 of 2006 when Antonio Gates scored 27 points for the Wookies. Brady and Crumpler are the only Cubists to notch all-pro games this season. Donald Driver (4/34) found the endzone on a fluky play and later Tatum Bell (5/40) hit pay dirt. With all of these scores, you�d have thought that Moore would be satisfied � he wasn�t. A little pre-kick off tinkering Lenar Marshall and Leon Washington out of the lineup and replaced them with Jerricho Cotchery (2/7) and Adam Archuleta (1/3), who combined for seven points. Let�s just say, for the sake of argument, that Moore had left Washington (who ended up scoring 20 points, the exact margin of victory) in the lineup and benched Reuben Drougns (4/17), who did not score. Moore commented, �Droughns is terrible.� Well, it would be a different world we are living in wouldn�t. However, doing things for argument�s sake can lead to � consuming a Taco Johns 6 pack and a pound of Potato Oles, like [Owner Steve Johnson has], you wouldn't even ask that question.� He�s sick! At least, he was. Johnson noted, �I watched Crumpler and Washington score at will early on Sunday. Imagine my surprise when I checked the scores. There were 20 whole points I didn't have to worry about.� With the Cubists scoring a season high seven TD�s, the Brents had to use all of their skills to compete. RB LaDainian Tomlinson (6/93) ran for a TD and passed for another in amassing his fourth all-pro game, but the rest of the Brent offense on Sunday could not find the endzone. Johnson was particularly incensed by �Laurence Maroney (5/48). 29 yrds? How could you let that old guy steal your touches?� Also incensing Johnson was the gay marriage amendment. He noted, �Like the Governator, I think gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.� So, if a ferry (as they prefer to be called) and a lesbian get married � that�s ok? Anyway, Johnson did not have to worry so much about his offense because his D-flex came to the rescue. Ronde Barber (6/71) ran two interceptions to the house and scored a season high 30 points. Johnson shouted, �Ronde Barber. Who says your [sic] getting old? You get a gameball!� Moore said, �Ronde Barber is the man... but this organization already knew that.� The two Cardinal defenders added 18 more points, leading to a D-flex season record of somewhere between 40 and 60. The Brent D-flex (27.43 ppg) is now the top rated threesome in the league. As he likes to do in his victories, Johnson put in the coup de grace on Monday as Eli Manning (3/47) scored a meaningless all-pro 15 points. The Brents scored more than 100 points for the third time in four weeks and Johnson claimed that the league was his.
Week 8 previews - With just three teams under .500, almost everyone still has their eyes on the prize. The Week Eight games could provide some differentiation between the contenders and the pretenders. Ancient archrivals the 44�s and Cubists meet in a battle of former Sidwell Friends. Owner John Stoer analyzed the game thusly: �We are in huge trouble this week. Four reasons why: First, we are playing the Cubists, who own us. Second, our matchups across the board suck. Third, no Clinton Portis- nice scheduling Jamo. Fourth, I'm absolutely certain that Reggie Bush is going to make me his bitch this weekend. We might need another 100 point effort to win. It's going to be tough.� Owner Jason Moore countered, �Reggie Bush says, �What better time to get my first TD of the season?�� The 44�s did win the series last year by a 1-0-1 margin, but the Cubists still lead the series history 9-4-1. The aforementioned Buch is back from the bye and unfortunately benched Leon Washington gets to try to score 20 points again for the Cubists. LB Derrick Brooks and LB Jeremiah Trotter also make their Cubist debut. Stoer has left Pennington in as his QB and returns Jamal Lewis, Frank Gore (a SF native), Adelius Thomas, and Will Witherspoon to the lineup. The Wookies will see if the Coroners are a streaky team. The Coroners opened with two losses, followed by four wins, and now a loss. The Wookies lead the series 8-6 and have won the last three meetings. Owner Will Mitchell is giving Rex Grossman another shot as his QB, even though Grossman cost the team a record -14 points in Week Six. Owner Chad Nuss has not made any lineup changes, but will have to find replacements for Ronnie Brown and London Fletcher, who are on the bye. We suggest Justin Fargas and Kirk Morrison. Two teams with two game win streaks meet when the Brents and Baers face off. Owner Randy Chambers looked over the lineup sheet and said, �I foresee a hard fought battle. Steve has one heck of a roster and no one on the bye. Drat.� Marques Colston, John Carney, and Steven Jackson all return from the bye. The teams split last year, but the Baers have had the best of the series 8-5 and have won four of the last five games. Chambers returns Drew Brees and Torry Holt from the bye, but is without TE Chris Cooley. In naming TE Desmond Clark as the replacement, Chambers has showed great wisdom. The Baers also return Keith Bulluck from a two weeks absence and he is complemented by new recruits Jermaine Phillips and Julian Peterson. Jermaine et Julian? Owner Steve Johnson breathed a sigh of relief in noting �That's right Shaun [Alexander], take another week off. No need to rush back too soon.� A pair of 4-3 teams heading in opposite directions butt heads as the Busters and Cookies reacquaint themselves. Ever the optimist, Owner Rich Joseph said, �I see an against odds chance at moving into a first place tie.� On the plus side, he is giving RB Travis Henry � a long time Cookie � a try out. The Busters also bring back Adam Vinatieri, Chris Hope, and Bart Scott. The obvious mistake in the lineup is Charles Woodson. Yes, he scored a TD last week, but that was the last one of his career. Last year, the Cookies swept the Busters and have won the last three match ups (after the Busters had won the first three meetings in the series). Owner Dan Weitz has return Deuce McAllister to the lineup for leading RB Kevin Jones, but that is the only change he has made. While he did not comment for the record, people in his inner circle said that he may turn the team over to eldest daughter Amber once again before the season is completely ruined. The fifth game, which will most likely be the fifth game reported next week, pits the one win P-Miss Envy against the one win Golden Horde. The difference being that the Envy�s win is fresh from Week Seven, while the Horde have not won since the opening week of the season. The Comrade General took his opportunity to let everyone know his opinion about something: �Bledsoe never had a chance in Texas. He's not a local good ol boy, or in lieu of that a young kid the messianic fans of the Cowboys could claim as their own. I'm not saying he looked good this year, but what a bs situation. The whole thing has renewed my dormant hatred of the Boys.� Somehow he will have to find a replacement for Wes Welker and has a hole in his D-flex. Owner Perry Missner hopes his team can start a winning streak to combat the six game ditch the team dug itself. He said, �Two teams with two wins combined. Neither team is out and out Ouaou awful though. We�d love to make it three 100+ point losses in a row for the General, just to see if he would pop a vein or something. In TO, we trust.� The Envy lineup is once again Bear-laden (not bin laden). Thomas Jones, Muhsin Muhammed, Robbie Gould, and Brian Urlacher are all back. Is that a good thing? It is if the Envy and Bears both win.
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