Brentless Brents 137 Weaselicious Cookies 76 We all know that there is some luck involved in the Modano Mi Hermano football game. Scientists over the years have tried to determine what percentage of the football is luck and what percentage skill. While many journal articles have been printed on the subject, few experts can agree, but an average of all of the analyses indicates that approximately 83.5% of fantasy football is luck. For example, look at the Brentless Brents: they have a cadre of great running backs, an excellent QB platoon, and a fine receiver or two. Yet, coming into Week Six, they were a mere 2-3. The Cookies, on the other hand, boast the game�s best QB, Donovan McNabb (6/147), a steady, but hardly more than serviceable group of runners, and a decent WR. And this team topped the league at 4-1. Maybe QB�s are more important than at first thought. In Week Six, McNabb was once again brilliant with 17 points (a season low), but even a sixth straight all-pro performance could not hide the tremendous burden that the Cookies QB has had to shoulder in the early season. McNabb did set up Kevin Jones (6/50) for an all-pro day of 16 points, but the rest of the Cookies came up stale. The Cookie D-flex failed to score on their own (only 14 points and now the worst rated D-flex in the league at 14.67 ppg), but they failed to contain the Brents at all. It was as if Owner Dan Weitz�s gameplan was to focus all of their energies on stopping Maurice Morris (1/2), while letting the Brent studs run free. Owner Steve Johnson said, �I didn't expect much more than some yards form Morris, and he did well enough there for a bye week fill in, but the fumble killed him.� Johnson estimated the chances of Morris playing for his team again were about the same as his watching a Lifetime marathon of �Golden Girls Strip Poker.� Carson Palmer (4/36) helmed the offense with 14 and helped Steve Smith (4/40), Todd Heap (3/20), and Marques Colston (4/30) into the endzone. With the passing game humming, the Brents running game made easy work of short yardage situations. Johnson said, �Everyone played well, but LT was a stud of studs this week!� LT, as Johnson calls LaDainian Tomlinson (but only behind his back) (5/76) hit pay dirt four times and scored a season high 32 points, setting a running back record. The owner�s little, but bigger brother Steven Jackson (6/56) scored 11 points to complement Tomlinson. Johnson and Jackson aren�t really brothers, but their relationship is more likely than �Ben and Queen Latifah... Bentifah.� With the game firmly out of reach heading into Monday, Johnson had his defensive guys � Lance Briggs (5/42) and Adrian Wilson (5/47) � play as if �Madden [were out there], just so he can describe how the guy who is going to destroy him... 'Now heres a guy lowering his shoulder ..Boom!'� Briggs and Wilson combined for 39 points as the Brents set the season team record as well as the margin of victory record. The Brents also took over the scoring lead (93.00 ppg) and became the third team this season to score nine TD�s. To acknowledge the victory, Johnson pumped a fist in the air three times.
The Ballbusters 98 Syracuse 44�s 90 There are just certain combinations that augment one another: peanut butter and jelly, of course, Crosby, Stills, & Nash, and even �one that still has me confused- Seal and Heidi Klum. He must be fishing with a longer pole.� Well, here�s one more than you can add to your list: Owner Rich Joseph and QB Peyton Manning. Since Joseph joined the Modano Mi Hermano league in 2003, his one constant has been his Peyton. In fact, Manning has come to be closer to Joseph than he is to his brother Eli, his father Archie, but not his �celebrity dog,� Snoops. In Week Six, the Busters were like a jelly sandwich, a Stephen Stills solo tour, or just Seal: they were without Manning and Joseph had to entrust his offense to Michael Vick (1/9), who was recently on the cover of the Sporting News with the quote �I am sick of people trying to tell me how to play my game.� Since the start of the year, Joseph has tried to get Vick to emulate the chicken dancing routine of Peyton, whereas Vick preferred to run around the line post-snap like a chicken with its head cut off. After a frustrating week of practice, Joseph finally told Vick to image he was playing against �Pam Anderson. She can be your Margo Adams.� This seemed to focus Vick and he really rallied the Buster offense. Although Vick only scored one TD, he was able to repeatedly set up his receivers for more scores. L.J. Smith (3/18) and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (2/18) scored TD�s, while Joseph gave the gameball to �Lavernues Coles (3/25) ... what a waiver pick up!� Coles scored 19 points on two TD�s and led all scorers in the game. Joseph was less impressed by �Lamont Jordan (5/23) � speaking of waivers!� The keeper running back just hasn�t put the pieces together in 2006. Owner John Stoer�s team was able to keep the score close going via a difficult route � the fewer TD road. The 44�s received two TD�s from the hometown Skins Mark Brunell (1/11) and Clinton Portis (5/65), but Brunell�s performance was not enough to satisfy the hard-driving Stoer, who said �ba-bye!� The Champion of Christ QB�s next appearance was slated for �Celebrity Acting on FOX. "C"-list celebs all try acting in various scenes from Shakespeare to David Mamet. Since no one who watches FOX has ever heard of Shakespeare or David Mamet, they are left to wonder what hell Todd Bridges and Eve Plumb are really doing on stage.� Riveting TV! The 44 special teams helped bridge the TD-less gap. Nate Kaeding (4/48) set a 44 K high with 12 and was matched by �The Dynamic Duo- Adelius Thomas (6/63), the league�s leading defensive scorer, and Will Witherspoon (5/44),� who were each given gameballs. The game was still close enough for Monday night to matter as the 44�s held a three point lead with Desmond Clark (2/6) going against Anquan Boldin (6/51). Unfortunately for Stoer, the Bear defense did not adjust to Boldin early in the game and the Buster receiver busted a TD and a 15 point all-pro performance. Clark did score four points, but it just wasn�t enough. While Stoer would have liked the win, he would settle for seeing �Jet Li maybe putting a flying kick to T.O.� Stoer summed up the game like this: �Our defense was simply not up to stoping the Buster air attack. Their 4WR/1TE set accounted for 62 of their 98 points. Who expects Coles, Boldin, and Housh to all go off in the same week?? Our O-flex was outscored by Coles alone. We're simply not going to win many games when that happens.�
County Coroners 108 Golden Horde 106 Speculation throughout the league, nay, the world has run rampant on who the newly appointed owner of the Golden Horde really is. The Comrade General, as the owner is only known by, has allowed interviews, but only through an interpreter who provides the questions over a phone. For example, the Comrade General said that he most like to see �Spa Day with the Bengals� as a show, perhaps on HBO or possibly America�s Most Watched Network, CBS. Whatever, the case, the Golden Horde was best by bye week defections in Week Six and had to start a rusty O-flex of Kevan Barlow (1/3), Lee Evans (1/5), and Wes Welker (1/7), none of whom had appeared in a game before. The rust was evident as they were the only members of the Horde�s offense not to score a TD. Matt Hasselbeck (5/72) had his second best game of the season with three TD�s and 27 points and Larry Johnson (6/58) and Chris Chambers (5/34) both scored TD�s. The gameball was given to Jeremy Shockey (6/28), who more than doubled his season�s output with the first TE all-pro game of the season. The General stated, �It's hard to bring ourselves to give a game ball after a loss that kind of crushes our hopes, but we will give it to Shockey, since he came back from being the worst player last week and handled several near trades this week.� Is Shockey maturing? Doubtful. Despite not being able to scout the opposing owner�s tactics, Owner Chad Nuss had his team rolling once again. The combination of Marc Bulger (2/46) and Willie Parker (4/44) was like �Condoleemadinejad� as the two combined for five TD�s and 43 points. Bulger�s 27 points kept a Coroner streak alive in which the Coroner QB has scored more points in each successive week of the season. RB Ronnie Brown (6/56) stuck in another TD and had 14 points and the semi-retired Tiki Barber (5/48) had 15 points, all on yards. The three all-pro games made the Coroner season total 10, tying the Cookies and Wookies for most in the league. You can tell that this is a new Coroner type of team because the Coroner O-flex (26.00 ppg) is the best in the league, but the kicking game (5.67 ppg) is the worst. Of course, it doesn�t hurt that the Coroners are only allowing 75.00 ppg, but their four game winning streak ties the longest in the league this season (equaling the Cookies� opening streak � Coroners and Cookies � longest winning streaks � how soon is the apocolypse?) as well as the longest in franchise history (first set in 2002). Despite scoring their first triple digit game, the Horde took the loss like Borat being squashed by a safety blitz. The General exclaimed that �We give the least valuable to your American computers and statisticians, suspiciously giving Bulger exactly 360 and Hassalbeck exactly 268, when a three yard swing would have given us a tie.� He continued his rant by shouting, �This was a crushing defeat. The players have all had their heads shaved for disappointing us. It will take all of our resolve and �motivational tools� to get them to keep playing hard with such an improbability of championship glory.�
Bull City Baers (sp?) 120 P-Miss Envy 78 What it is about Terrell Owens (3/36) that makes him such a lightening rod? Is it that he has his own television station which broadcasts and analyzes his every move? Is it that a routine hospital visit to refill his prescription for anti-wart medicine is misconstrued as a suicide attempt? Or is it, as Owner Randy Chambers asserts, that the brash wide receiver is having an illicit affair with the sitting president (�TO-W.�)? [Missner had his own odd celebrity pairing: �I would be fairly surprised if Barbara Bush left George Herbert Walker to have an affair with Haley Joel Osment.�] Probably a little of each, but all eyes were plastered to Owens as he made his Envy debut against Chambers, who seems to bare much ill will for the untamable player. With all of this attention, Owens couldn�t help but come up a little short, but he did nothing of the sort. Despite being mugged on every play by a variety of Baer defenders, Owens quietly went about his business and scored 21 points on three glorious TD�s. Owner Perry Missner, with a glaring Deion Sanders behind him, gave Owens the gameball and said, �Not only because he demanded that I give him the gameball or else he threatened to commit suicide, but because he showed us what a spark he could be. I know he has received some negative press, but really he is just a player and he just makes plays. By the way, I am just a ventriloquist�s dummy for Michael Irvin now.� Owens play was so inspiring that Roy Williams (5/43) couldn�t help but have a second all-pro game with 16 points. Unfortunately, that receiver glow did not stop at the Envy bench. Baer WR Torry Holt (5/75) scored his own three TD�s and had WR season high of 28 points. Chambers whooped, �Plenty of game balls today, but Big Game gets the Big Game Ball for showing T.O. how to score three TDs with style.� He then thought TO should try out for, �Celebrity Soldiers in Iraq. Tagline: �Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.�� That sounds like a Living Colour song. Holt�s wonderful day was helped along by Drew Brees (6/79) who had 21 points and is now the third highest scoring QB. He had 21 more points than Daunte Culpepper in Week Six. Warrick Dunn (5/36) and Chris Cooley (6/16) also had their best days of the season, while Terrence McGee (6/57) had an all-pro day for the defense. Beyond the two Envy receivers, the Envy lineup on Sunday was pretty ugly, but not as ugly as the new show on Fox: �Celebrities on the Crapper: Jim Belushi finally overcomes a debilitating case of constipation [cue picture of a red-face Belushi screaming]: ooooohhhh, yeah, oooooohhhh, gaaaawwwddddd, yeah! [Proudly] Now that�s what I call a Long Island steamer!� Every crevice! Missner was most disappointed by David �Up on the blocks� Carr (1/-1), because �we would have been better off playing a benched Daunte Culpepper. Not a good sign.� Come Monday, the game was far out of reach, but that did not stop Brian Urlacher (6/46) from trying to overcome the insurmountable advantage. What a gamer! Urlacher had 16 points and would have earned a gameball had a gang of thugs not had a gun to Missner�s back. Missner, who saw his team fall to a franchise worst 0-6, said, �Well, I told me so. The Baers had really been dragging coming into Week Six, but it did not surprise me that they put it all together to defeat my sad team. Brees, Dunn, Holt, and McGee will probably never score that well again and Cooley doubled his production. What can you do?� Meanwhile, an ebullient Chambers said he�d like to see psuedo-celebrity �Shaun Alexander [on the grid iron]�, but more to the point, �About time we laid an ol-fashioned Baer-family butt-whupping on someone. Of course, it shoulda been Rich, but we'll take this one.�
Peaks Island Wookies 75 San Francisco 59 This is what is known in the journalism business as �burying the lead.� Coming into the week, we had two teams who had more wins than losses, so why should be the last game mentioned? Well, let�s just say that neither team was functioning at full capacity in Week Six. For Owner Jason Moore, he�d rather watch �Celebrity Strip Tease with Kathy Bates and Woody Allen� than lose. Hmmm� Kathy Bates and Woody Allen? If they had a child would it be anything like a cross between Joe Theismann and Tony Kornheiser, a Jony? Anyway, each Coroner play that Moore called seemed to get screwed up. He summed up his team�s performance concisely, �Other than Tatum Bell (4/27), my whole team sucked ass. Bottom of the barrel was Ron Dayne (1/0). Do not expect to see him as a Cubist for long.� Dayne was cut at halftime. For the dark-skinner Owner Will Mitchell, things were somewhat better. The Wookies received big games from Antonio Gates (6/32) and Deion Branch (3/22) as well as an awesome performance from the D-flex, which combined for a season record 45 points. Julius Peppers (4/55) had his second all-pro game with 19 points and Troy Polamalu (4/38) made people forget that he needs a haircut by scoring 15. The 45 points propelled the Wookie D-flex to the top of the ranks (26.67 ppg). The Wookies held a 30 point lead heading into Monday night, but Mitchell had no idea what the evening had in store for him. Rex Grossman (2/-5) single-handedly tried to give the game away and force a trade to the more Bear friendly Envy by losing the ball six times and costing the Wookies nearly half their lead with a record �14 performance. Mitchell cried, �Well dis week Rex took upside fo' old batta' Drew and look whut happened � old Happy Feet posts 19 while yung Rex chokes waaay down some MINUS FOURTEEN! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah! So's Drew kin gots some symbolic game ball. But da damn real game balls � 3 uh dem � go t'de Wookie D! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Right on! Led by Peppuh' again, de D put down some monstrous 45 point show, so cut me some slack, Jack.� Moore even gave his gameball to Grossman for the ugly show. Cedric Benson (2/15) followed up his surprising all-pro performance with a naught. Benson received slightly more playing time than �Pauly Shore, punt returner.� A glum Moore said, �Let's see, TO and Berrian combined for 23 points and Chad Johnson and Ron Dayne combined for 6. Difference of 17, I lost by 16... nice.� Them grapes is sour. Meanwhile, Mitchell, whose team is alone on the top, said, �De Wookies showed some grit dis week and took crib an impo'tant victo'y � it wuzn�t fine, but some win be a win. 'S coo', bro. And ah' ran out uh gameballs but some special recognishun be due Mr. Ah be baaad... Branch and Mr. Ah be baaad... Gates finally awakenin'.�
Week 7 previews - The schedule maker continues to do fine work in Week Seven as we have another slate of five interesting pairings. Starting at the top, we have Owner Will Mitchell, who is finally get comfortable in his new skin. The Wookies know to be the best, you have to beat the best. In this case, that is last year�s champion, the Bull City Baers, who are coming off their best week of the season. Owner Randy Chambers noted, �Good time to be on a roll. We always respect a wookie. [lower case, intentional] Hopefully Philip Rivers can show some Pack Pride and take down them down.� Rivers makes his Baer debut along with Keenan McCardell and Shaun Phillips, while Reggie Williams returns from the bye. The Baers hold a 9-4 series edge and the teams split their games in 2005. The series edge is not the only thing against Mitchell�s favor: his team is just 1-6 in previous Week Sevens. Mitchell said, �We�re givin' de reigns t'Matt Leinart. Man! He had some stellar fust half on MNF against da damn freakin bears. Now we�ll see whut he kin do in his fust Wookie start next Sunday. Slap mah fro! He�ll be out t'prove his manhood vs de downstart Phillip Rivers makin' fo' an intriguin' understo'y. Slap mah fro! We know we�re targeted now, sittin' in dat rare sole possession uh fust posishun. We�re goin' t'play hard and try t'hang onto dat. Man!� Along with Leinart, the Wookies have K Josh Scobee making his debut and a fresh Corey Dillon returning from the bye. If the Wookies are able to win, the battle for second may come down to the 44-Cookie tilt. You will remember that last year, a QB-less Cookie team beat Syracuse, resulting in a mad affair between Owner Dan Weitz and fading Hollywood starlet Jennifer Aniston. That ended and so have the Cookies� winning ways in 2006, but Owner Dan Weitz can still dream of good times past. Last year, the 44�s saved some face by gaining a split and hold a 9-7 series advantage. Ever the trickster, Owner John Stoer has an open spot in his D-flex. He is starting QB Chad Pennington and has two new D-flex players, DeMarco Ryans and Al Wilson. Stoer said, �This is by far the biggest game of the year for the 44's. The difference between 5-2 and 4-3 is immense in this balanced league. It will be a stiff challenge against the MVP and his 147 points, but we need this one badly before back-to-back weeks against the Cubists and Baers, two teams we have not fared well against in the past.� McNabb is the leading scorer in the league, but he has been the entire team for some weeks. He is joined in the lineup by Fred Taylor and Antonio Winfield. The third and final 4-2 team is the County Coroners, who have demolished their last four opponents. The only thing standing in the way of a Coroners five game winning streak is the woeful P-Miss Envy, who just can�t catch a break. Owner Perry Missner said, �One team (mine) has lost six straight, the other (the Coroners) have won four straight. Chad has a lot of talented runners, so we may have to ask TO to double his production. I hope it doesn�t drive him over the edge.� Excellent analysis. Unfortunately, the Coroners hold a 9-6 series advantage and the Envy are just 1-7 in previous Week Sevens. The ever loyal Missner is once again trotting out David Carr. K Mike Vanderjagt and DB Kerry Rhodes make their debut for the Bear-less Envy, while Reggie Brown returns to the lineup. The Coroners will be without Marc Bulger, who has been excellent the last two weeks, so QB Jake Delhomme is the only replacement from the team that scored 108 points in Week Six. A pair of teams hoping to topple the .500 barrier face off when the Brents and Cubists play. Owner Jason Moore looked at the standings, shook his head, and said, �It is ridiculous that the Bretts and the Cubists have the same record. Their roster is three times as good as ours.� Nevertheless, the oddsmakers have placed the game as a pick�em, based on the Cubists 10-3 series edge an a gaudy 7-1 record in Week Sevens. It doesn�t hurt that QB Tom Brady is back and has an entirely new O-flex to play with in Donald Driver, Rueben Droughns, and Leon Washington. The Brents are coming off the best week of their season, so Owner Steve Johnson said, �Lets not revert to awful after a big game this time.� He has again replaced Carson Palmer with Eli Manning and has turned to Joseph Addai, Bryant Johnson, and Laurence Maroney to man the O-flex. Josh Brown makes his Brent debut and Gabby Hayes returns from death to the D-flex. Lastly, the league�s two newest teams meet again, but in a different form. The Comrade General of the Golden Horde has gone winless in his two weeks, although that does include a tie against the reigning champion Bares. Unfortunately for the General, whose team swept the Busters last year, QB Peyton Manning is back and well rested. On the other hand, Manning will have a tough time scoring points without using a Horde player, including Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne. The Horde also return Greg Jennings. Ronald Marshall and Cato June make their D-flex debuts. Manning will be backed up by Ahole �put in on the� Green and Osi Yumenyiori makes his return to the Buster D-flex. Ahmed Brooks also makes his debut. Owner Rich Joseph said gleefully, �a loss means we're out of the race for the title!� Whereas the Comrade General intoned, �the players know that week 6 is important to their safety. A win and things get easier, a loss and there will be cuts, and visas may or may not be issued.�
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