Peaks Island Wookies 92 Weaselicious Cookies 90 As Owner Will �the Black Streak� Mitchell and his Wookies made their way to Ripon to play the Cookies, they did not feel at all at home. Walking down the main street of town, there were no fried chicken joints, no places to get baby back ribs, and only one check cashing store. In fact, the only Wookie who really felt at ease was QB Drew Bledsoe (4/40), who thought it was neat that they made cookies there. Bledsoe had some mixed feelings about playing the Cookies because Owner Dan Weitz has let his Cowboy love show through. Nevertheless, it was as the great Winston Churchill once said, �Bledsoe sucks and runs like a little girl.� That may be true, but truer still was that Bledsoe ate four dozen cookies prior to kickoff and had a tummy ache throughout the game, causing him to only score two points. Mitchell commented, �Mr. Ah be baaad... Bledsoe stunk.� Meanwhile, Bledsoe�s counterpart, QB Donovan McNabb (5/130) continued his trend of torching the league, blistering the Wookie D for 26 points. McNabb was given his fifth gameball for his fifth all-pro game and Weitz noted, �at least 1 guy, D�nabb, doesn�t suck [posterior].� Like usual, McNabb did not receive much help, but Fred Taylor (5/39) did some nice work for 15 points and his first all-pro game of the year. The Cookie D-flex was led by new recruit David Thornton (1/13), but apart from the three mentioned players, the points were fairly hard to come by for the Cookies. Weitz screamed at Kevin Jones (5/34) and Joe Horn (2/8) and said they could �share the suckdom award.� While the Cookie scoring concentrated on one player, Mitchell had his Wookies scoring from all over the field. Most surprising, perhaps, was the play of Cedric Benson (1/15), who was so happy to get some playing time that he hit pay dirt twice and scored an all-pro game in his first appearance this season. Benson earned a gameball from Mitchell, who proclaimed, �Gotsta cut it t'Cedric Benson � finally digtin' on de field and responds wid 15 big points. ah' have anoda' one fro Grossman who once mo'e inspired fum de bench [with 18 points] and gots pushed Drew t'de brink again. 'S coo', bro. Todays 3rd and final game ball goes t'Julius Peppuh's (3/36) fo' anoda' outstandin' game.� Peppers had the other all-pro game for the Wookies with an even 15 points. The enormous defensive lineman then quoted the great Winston Churchill, who said, �Never try to invade and occupy Iraq.� The Wookies also received TD�s from the resurgent Keyshawn Johnson (5/41), the resplendent Antonio Gates (4/21), and the irreverent Plaxico Burress (4/23). The Patriots� Rodney Harrison (5/25) scored seven points, prompting Weitz to yell, �Damn Patriots I'm soooo sick of hearing about them.� Even with all of those TD�s, the Cookies held a one point lead after Sunday with just one player left to go: Wookie WR Derrick Mason (4/11). Before Mason could play, Mitchell had to finish his night job of coaching soccer. He said he was �A little [embarrassed by the US�s performance in the World Cup]. ah' am coachin' U-10 socca' now, so cut me some slack, Jack. We is France. Lost t'Mexico yesterday 4-2. Off t'a 1-4 start, but no haid-buttin' yet. Man!� When Mason finally did hit the field, he produced enough for the team from Peaks Island to eke out a victory. Prior to Monday, Mitchell commented, �Well it be only Monday � and ah' am goin' t'have t'wait and see if Mason kin brin' crib 2 points and da damn win tonight. Man! If he duz, I�m elated. If not, week 5 wuz some bust fo' mah' baaaad QB decision. 'S coo', bro.� Mitchell was elated. A subdued Weitz, whose team lost for the first time ending a franchise long four game winning streak, said, �Did I mention Week 5 sucked donkey [ears]; to outscore every other team and still lose is [a load of turds]. If I ever see a wookie I'm going to kick his [ears].�
Syracuse 44�s 79 Brentless Brents 68 What do you do if you are facing your hero? What do you do if said hero is an inbred, hillbilly moron who has led your franchise to disarray in more years than you can count? That was the situation facing Owner Steve Johnson who needed the wisdom of the great Winston Churchill to get him through an impossible situation. Churchill once said, �However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results,� a sentiment that Johnson found appropriate for fantasy football somehow. With the bedeviling Brent Farf (1/10) standing on the opposing sideline, Johnson went with the only possible counter, the ever annoying Eli Manning (2/32). Like all Mannings, especially Cooper, Eli called his own number repeatedly, allowing him to score a team high 14 points, but causing the rest of the team to function as well as an inkless pen. When casting aspersions, Johnson noted, �Everyone gets to share this lose [sic, should possibly be loose or loss]. If someone, anyone, had stepped up, we could have had it.� But that�s putting the cart before the horse. The Brents dropped from a losing 116 points to a losing 68 points mainly due to the young O-flex which scored nary a TD and the starting backfield, which combined for just 10 points. TE Marques Colston (3/22) remains the top scoring TE in Modano land, but his two points were somewhat disappointing. The only thing that made Johnson smile was the thought that �It�s great to see the cocky US stars get schooled by teams that actually know basketball is a team sport.� And who was it who would pit the moronic QB against the team named for him? It could only be the Trickster, Owner John Stoer. Wearing his Trickster mask and cackling gleefully, Stoer sort of gave the gameball to himself, �Since this was a very close game, my late QB switch turned out to be instrumental in the victory so it has to be Brett [sic] Favre [sic].� Farf scored ten points, but when the game got close, he fumbled, allowing the Rams to win. Fumbling has been a major problem for the 44�s and playing Farf seemed to exacerbate the problem. WR Randy Moss (3/18) was able to hold onto the ball and score a TD and RB Brian Westbrook (5/61) scored eight more points to pad his leading RB total. Stoer was embarrassed by �Bye bye Ben Watson� (4/9), who was given the heaveho after four uninspiring games, and by the US�s performance in the �World Cup. The hoop team at least got the bronze.� That�s right, LeBron James � bronze medal winner! While bronze medals are ok for Stoer, �The New York Football Giants [are not], though the Eagles will regain their spot as co-2nd least favorite when Donovan retires.� Up by three heading into Monday, the 44�s could only lose if Adelius Thomas (5/51), the leading defensive player, scored in negative points. He did not. Johnson was so mad, he had nothing relevant to say about the game, but Stoer had a few comments, �This was the first time I've ever played Brent Farf [although there have always been legends about a 1997 season in which Stoer had Farf and Dorcus Levens lead him to a supposed championship] and he really came through. Sadly, we lost our defensive leader to a season-ending injury though, so this was a very costly win. We'll take it of course but in the long term we might have been better off if we'd lost and kept Petersen healthy. Of course, the great Winston Churchill probably said it best: �I don't know about fantasy, but in reality, there is nothing like winning.�
Bull City Baers (sp?) 70 The Golden Horde 70 Just when it appeared that the Belarussian Blatz would be dissolved as a franchise and the team sold as scrap (much like Owner Randy Chambers� current plans for the Baers), the proud people of Belarus stood up as one and took ownership of the once proud team. The people nominated a man who was only known as the Comrade General to be their owner and showing what a firm grasp of fantasy football knowledge the said general appeared to have, his first move was to whack incumbent problem maker QB Brent Farf. Farf would find a new home soon enough in Syracuse, but his disappearance made the Belarussian people shout with glee. Next, the Comrade General renamed the team, the Minsk Golden Horde and promised his people that he would not look to relocate the team. His next move was to erase the Minsk from the team name and start negotiating with the Rose Bowl for a place to play. Nevertheless, these negotiations were carried out behind closed doors so the people of Belarus would never find out. Right? As for the Horde�s first game in the Modano league. It had some good points and some bad points. The team did score a lot of TD�s, led by QB Jon Kitna (1/7) two TD game. RB Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (5/50) led the team with 14 points and Greg Jennings (1/13) received the people�s gameball �for outclassing his highly paid receiver mates, Reggie Wayne (5/29) and Marvin Harrison (5/33)� who each scored a TD with very few yards. The Comrade General was less pleased by Jeremy Shockey (5/13), who did not score and �called out his coaches then sucked.� Chambers, who was very busy trying to sell stock in Shaun Alexander�s future, received decent play from QB Drew Brews (5/58), league leading WR Torry Holt (5/47), and new recruit Reggie Williams (1/9), the rest of the team could not break out of the 70.0 ppg average doldrums. For example, RB Mike Sellers (1/1) managed a point and Marcus Washington (5/26) has been holding the D-flex back from greater glory all season long. Chambers said, �Like a Sno-ball, the Redskin defense was soft and disgusting. In honor of such behavior, Marcus Washington get's our Sno-ball of the week award.� He then quoted the great Winston Churchill, �All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope... and football.� Neither team had an all-pro game and both only have two apiece on the season. Even the winless Envy have more than that. With Monday night upon the owners, the Baers held a five point lead against LB Ray Lewis (5/42). Lewis, who attended the �U� by the way, managed those five points, but if he were half the man he were five years ago, he would have taken a flamethrower to this place. Lewis, quoting his favorite 20th century leader, Winston Churchill, said, ��Don�t talk to me of naval tradition. It�s nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.� And, furthermore, �I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma: but perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest.� Fascinating! See what you can learn by attending the �U?� The proud people were not happy with not winning, but were not unhappy by not losing. They then said in unison that they hated, �the j-e-t-s JERKS! JERKS! JERKS!�
San Francisco Cubists 83 P-Miss Envy 78 Owner Jason Moore and his star WR Terrell Owens (2/15) have been through a lot together. They won championships and had some less than stellar seasons. When Owens contracted VD, Moore was the first person he called. When the firm asked Moore to be partner, Owens was the first to congratulate him. Lately, though, it seemed that the two friends had been drifting away from each other. Moore had been tied up in meetings with marketing and the once hot dinner that Owens had made would cool to a state of inedibility on the dining room table. When Moore would finally come home, Owens would shout, �you could have called!� And it would just devolve from there. In the past few weeks, Owens had found new friends to rely on: his trusted staff of advisors which included former NFL player Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders. Some would say that Irvin and Sanders were simply yes men for Owens and would do anything that the star WR would ask for, but the relationship was more complicated than that. The three prima donnas seemed to feed off each other, so no one is really sure who the TO trade demand came from, but it was clear for Cubist team unity that something had to be done. Prior to Week Five, there was little Moore was apt to do. He needed Owens to help defeat the winless P-Miss Envy. Owens, overcoming a broken hand and his own suicide attempt, scored three points, but opened the rest of the field for the burgeoning Cubist O-flex which went triflexa. RB Reggie Bush (5/31) received a gameball for scoring his first TD on a punt return and he was complemented by Bernard Berrian (2/25) and Larry Fitzgerald (5/32). While QB Tom Brady (5/66) continually underthrew Owens, he was able to score 16 points for the third week in a row. Meanwhile, the Envy had flashes of competitiveness like they have all season long. Owner Perry Missner found success in playing new players, so we might see a roster turned over quite soon. New QB Damon Huard (1/18) made like his brother Brock and hit an all-pro total. New WR Reggie Brown (1/11) scored a TD and the gameball went to �Robbie Gould (3/43). Thanks to Rich for cutting him loose. I now have a legitimate threat at one position. I just have to do something the other ten positions, although Damon Huard deserves mention for his excellent play.� The returning players for the Envy were not very good, scoring a combined 32 points. Roy Williams (4/27) was hurt in the first quarter and did not score, but Missner seemed to let loose about his disappointing season, �I have held my tongue long enough about Duante Culpepper. The truth is that he could never learn our four play system. Our entire offensive system fits on an index card, so I figured even a monkey could learn it. Culpepper, apparently, has sub-monkey intelligence � I�d guess somewhere around a kangaroo or marmoset. Good luck to Jamo handling that guy � I don�t have any idea how Randy did it for so long. He must truly be a genius.� That last bit was some of what we call foreshadowing. Culpepper was unable to get even the simplest of jokes, including the great Winston Churchill�s favorite, �pull my finger.� The Envy did manage another decent output with 78 points, but they only held a five point lead with Cubists Tatum Bell (3/16) and Jason Elam (4/25) left on Monday night. A blip of hope came to Missner and the dwindling Envy faithful as Bell fumbled, but Elam more than made up for it with seven kicking points. In the end, the Envy fell again. As the clock wound down on the Monday night game, the teams announced a blockbuster trade that sent Culpepper and WR Chad Johnson to the Cubists for TO and Berrian. Missner summarized, �I thought we had a good shot at winning this one, but it was just too much O-flex for the Cubists and not enough from us. Roy Williams getting hurt didn�t help. Our team has lacked a certain spark, a certain life, a certain combustibility in the past five weeks � that is no more.� Meanwhile, Moore, who saw his team rise to 3-2 despite scoring less points than the winless Envy, concluded an era, �Tatum Bell had us worried for a little while but he turned it around and put Jason Elam in position to sew up the win. It is very difficult for this organization to say goodbye to TO. He has probably scored more points for the Cubists than any other player, but the star on the helmet shifted our perspective on the rest of his behavior. We wish him the best, except for four days a year--when he is playing the 'Skins or the Cubists.�
County Coroners 76 The Ballbusters 46 Starting a season 0-2 can place a team firmly under the radar. If the league�s media had radar, which we don�t, the Coroners and Busters would be covered in mud, just led Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of Predator. Of course, the Busters busted into the nation�s imagination by scoring 124 points in Week Four. People wondered who Owner Rich Joseph would follow that performance up. With just one change to the lineup, he loused it all up. By inserting Ahole �Put in on the� Green (5/21) late on Sunday morning, Joseph signaled to his team to take the week off. Yes, Green had been in the lineup in Week Four, but he had not played because he had an ouchie. Green once again did not play (due to said ouchie) and brought down K Adam Vinatieri (3/27) with him. QB Peyton Manning (5/95) strove to hold the team together and he combined with Anquan Boldin (5/36) for 25 points, but the rest of the team looked out of sync. Meanwhile, Owner Chad Nuss had his Coroners fresh and ready to go. With the majority of the team on the bye in Week Four � a game the Coroners still managed to win � the troops were rested. QB Marc Bulger (1/19) took off the plastic wrapping and slung an all-pro game, but the performance that really set the Coroners into orbit was something special. It�s said that rare events are made all the more special because of their rarity, at least I think that�s what either the great Winston Churchill or John Madden said. For example, Haley�s comet is special, but it is dwarfed in amazement by the occurrence in Week Five. That�s right, Courtney Anderson (4/8), an oft criticized player who rarely scored more than a point or two, scored a TD. If the Coroners weren�t going to win with a Courtney Anderson TD, they never were. Owner Chad Nuss reportedly gave Anderson the gameball as well as a pat on the head. RB Ronnie Brown (5/42) rumbled in for a TD and K Sebastian Janakowski (3/16) doubled his season�s output with eight points. Joseph had hoped to top 50 points, leaving his team with some pride, but LB Bart Scott (2/19), who had so brilliant the week before, managed just four points. The Busters scored less than 50 points for just the second time in franchise history and the first since Week Three of 2003 (a 49-48 win over the Envy). Joseph�s team has allowed the most points in the league at 89.4 ppg. On the other side of the coin, the Coroners have allowed the least (75.00 ppg) and have their first three game winning streak, the longest current streak in the league, since the last three weeks of 2004. Even more impressive, their three wins have come by an averaged of 28.3 ppg and are over every current team that has won a Modano championship. The consecutive blowouts were the for the Coroners since Weeks Four and Five of 2002. These are some right crazy times. Owner Steve Johnson commented, �Busters go from 124 to 46?�
Week 6 previews - As we head into Week Six, three teams head the standings at 4-1. Since none of them face off � the Wookies and Cookies having played in Week Five � there could be a three way tie for first come Week Seven. For the first time ever, there was much respect being bandied about between Oshkosh native Owners Steve Johnson and Dan Weitz. Weitz noted, �Us Basketball sucked, maybe if they had someone teaching our youth the jumpshot instead of dunking on every play. I have a coach for them Steve Johnson, he of the smooth fadeaway.� That�s mad respect. Of course, the Brents have earned some respect with a 9-3 series edge, even though the teams split last year. On the matchup, Weitz said, �Watch out Brents, I'm pissed which usually means my team begins their downward spiral to crappiness.� An interesting take. Weitz has replaced Fred Taylor (on the bye) with Deuce McAllister, while broken John Hall might need a replacement. A disgruntled Johnson, who doesn�t like being 2-3, said, �Whatever. Put in the best matchups and see what happens.� Those matchups include the return of Carson Palmer and Todd Heap, Marques Colston making his way into the O-flex, and the debut of Maurice Morris. The Wookies are the only 4-1 team that faces another team that has more wins than losses, the San Francisco Cubists. Owner Will Mitchell said, �Cubists gots'ta brin' deir A game � but we�ll be eyebally fo' dem. WORD!� Mitchell wisely returned Rex Grossman to the lineup along with Deion Branch and Lofa Tatupu. If Cedric Benson scores 15 points again, I may have to stop using the Dialectizer to translate all of Mitchell�s quotes into Jive. The Cubists hold an 8-5 series advantage, even though the teams split last year. For the first time in a long time, Owner Jason Moore will not have to worry about drama queen Terrell Owens. He commented, �This is the wrong week for us to be missing Brady, and we are going to be scrounging for players thanks to the byes, but we'll try to make it work.� Replacing Brady will be Jake Plummer. Chad Johnson and Ron Dayne should make their Cubist debuts. No word on whether Daunte Culpepper will play. The third and final 4-1 team is the Syracuse 44�s. Owner John Stoer said, �Another week where we face a frustrated team coming off a loss. We always love facing Rich, and while he will be without his beloved Peyton, hopefully Our Holy Brunell can out play the playa Mike Vick. We'll see if we are living right after this week.� The Busters without Peyton are like a PBJ sandwich without bread: they nearly cease to exist. Former 44 kicker Shayne Graham has joined the Busters and Jason Taylor replaces Robert Mathis in the D-flex. The Busters hold a 3-2 series edge and � guess what � last year the teams split. For Stoer, Brunell is slated to start, unless the owner changes his mind, and Ernie Sims makes his Modano debut. Jamal Lewis is also back in the flex. The league�s hottest team, winners of three in a row, the Coroners face the Comrade General and his Golden Horde. Last year the team from Belarus beat the Coroners in their only matchup. The Horde returns Matt Hasselbeck and Chris Chambers and has a parcel of players making their debut, including Wes Welker, Lee Evans, Kevan Barlow, Rian Lindell, and Justin Miller. No changes yet for the Coroners, but a replacement for Doug Gabriel (possibly Willie Parker, who may or may not be speedy) is in the offing. Finally, the lowest of the low are the Baers and Envy. Owner Perry Missner�s team has never had such an awful start. The team has not been awful, but mediocre scores will never lead to many wins. Owner Perry Missner said, �With TO on board, I expect things to happen. Unfortunately, as part of the deal, I had to take TO�s hangers-on as advisors. So I�d like to welcome my two new coordinators to the team: Michael Irvin will guide the offense and Deion Sanders will guide the defense. Both guys have a rich tradition in Modano football and I expect the media black hole of TO to keep the focus away from the other players so that they can work hard in practice and score some damn TD�s. Randy�s team is beaten and bruised, so if we can�t take advantage this week, it could be a long, long, loooooooooong season.� Owens has selected his own personal QB, David Carr, to throw him passes. For the Bares, who hold an 8-7 series edge thanks to their 2005 sweep of the Envy, they are going with a bare bones crew, which is almost sure to get them a win somehow. Mike Sellers makes his way to the O-flex along with injured Donte� Stallworth. Chambers claimed, �We're dead last in points and Alexander is still on the mend, so we won't even take the winless Envy for granted. Still, we need to follow-up this big tie with a win, and start running downhill.� Terrell Suggs replaces leading D-flex member Kevin Barlow, who is out due to religious reasons (playing the Skins).
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