Peaks Island Wookies 86 Syracuse 44’s 58 When Owner Will Mitchell finally had his mummy-like bandages removes from his various skin graft procedures, it was a scene slightly reminiscent of Batman, when the Joker finally sees what he looks like. Well, very slightly. At first, Mitchell and his friends and family gathered for the unveiling didn’t really notice a difference. The fluorescent hospital lights are never good for one’s complexion, but Mitchell was happy with skin grafting and promptly slipped his doctor a five dollar bill via handshake. As soon as Mitchell was wheeled out of the hospital (by procedure!) and the sun hit his skin, a noticeable darkening occurred. The various pills that the doctors had provided for Mitchell’s pain had a curious side effect as well: they turned Mitchell’s once bushy hair into a tight curled afro. As soon as Mitchell reached practice (where he went immediately for fear that his brother Charlie was planning a junta), the Wookies’ owner found that he could relate better to most of his players, especially Rudi Johnson (4/47) and Corey Dillon (4/27). Meanwhile, Drew Bledsoe (3/38) found he could not understand the “new” Mitchell at all and K Jeff Wilkins (4/51) just tried to shun his coach and concentrate on his kicking duties. “Whut in de wo'ld?” thought Mitchell. Nevertheless, he had a game to coach and the rival Syracuse 44’s were worthy of his finest strategies. The 44’s entered the contest unbeaten, but with a brewing QB controversy. Kurt Warner had been benched for Chad Pennington (1/6) since Warner had trouble handing the ball off to the 44’s four back attack. Pennington had problems with fumbles, and he did not inspire the 44 O-flex, who only combined for three points. Owner John Stoer was very unhappy with Frank "Stop F-ing Fumbling" Gore (1/2), who has now lost four fumbles on the season. Stoer compared the fumbling problems to another pathetic display: “Did you see the season premier of Saturday Night Live?” Ben Watson (3/7), who had been pushed for a big week, was also disappointing with just a pair of points. Stoer was somewhat happier with Clinton Portis (3/44), who earned a gameball for his team-leading 14 points and Randy Moss (2/9), who found his way into the endzone and scored six. Overall, the 44 performance did not add up to much, but you know what would? A clone that combined the best of “Darrell Green and LT. Green's speed, longevity, and character to go with everything else LT.” Meanwhile, Mitchell found that he could dance better than ever, especially when celebrating touchdowns. He looked to the top of the lineup when giving out the gameball, “Rex, fo' pushin' Drew fum de Bench and bein' some true team player. Ah be baaad... Also Peppuh's fo' pacin' de D.” Julius Peppers (2/21) had 21 points and the D-flex combined for a season high 25. Mitchell was somewhat disappointed in his blood brother, Antonio Gates (3/12), who had just two points, “I gots'ta say Gates – he be bustin' mah' heart.” Mitchell did get 21 points from the two aforementioned running backs and Wilkins had focus enough to score his second all-pro performance with 15. A glum Stoer offered this summary, “Congrats to the Wookies. A solid team effort which deserved a victory. Practice in Syracuse this week will focus on one thing and one thing only- protecting the football. We've had 13 turnovers in four damn weeks! That's too many points to give away particularly in a week like this where the o-flex scores a combined 3 points. Totally unnacceptable. I'm disgusted.” Stoer was still disgusted when asked if he missed Prime Time, “Not at all. I've stopped watching the T.O. network all together because I just can't stand it any longer. When does college basketball start?” Oh, you mean Duke/Dickie V.’s is awesome, baby season? Meanwhile, Mitchell had Deion Branch as his human beatbox as he rapped out his summary, “Takin' waaay down de 44s wuz big - some majo' step down fo' dis Wookie team. WORD! Not fine, but we gots de W. You's gots'ta feel fo' de dude when 2 previously productive RBS in Go'e and Taylo' combine fo' some -1 and den Westbrook sits against da damn pack. Ya' know? Dat and Randy Moss not givin' some %$%# and not playin' hard. Oh yeah, and we love our kicker. Ah be baaad...” Word.
The Ballbusters 124 Brentless Brents 116 Here’s the thing about fantasy football: your team can play very well and they can still lose. It’s better to come to grips with this reality than to remain ignorant because eventually, your team will play as well as it can, and it still won’t be enough. For Owner Steve Johnson, his team had an unprecedented scoring assault through almost every imaginable combination, but whatever he could do, it simply wasn’t enough to overcome the Busters’ big performances and D-flex. Owner Rich Joseph had to be a bit worried as he saw the Brents racking up points with foray after foray into the endzone, but he kept with his gameplan and let his QB, Peyton Manning (4/81), figure out the rest. The Buster gameplan was to stop Carson Palmer (3/22) and LaDainian Tomlinson (3/40) and not to worry about the rest of the Brents. The plan worked fairly well as the QB/RB combo were limited to 10 points, but the rest of the team from Brentless went wild. Johnson posited that Palmer had been sponsored by Secret, deodorant for women, during this week. Marques Colston (2/20) set a new TE season standard with 14 points and he leads all tight ends in scoring, despite playing just two games. The Brent O-flex went triflexa, led by the seemingly untacklable and gameball earning Laurence Maroney (3/40), who scored 21, and Steven Jackson (4/38), who had an all-pro day (his first of the season) with 15. The Brent D-flex, which scored a season high 29, was also propped up by a rare defensive TD from Adrian Wilson (3/24), who ended up with 14 points. The defensive TD combined with a triflexa is almost an unbeatable combination, much like, “Sweebuhtness 'n Nitschke, uh uh uh, dgust t' piss pehry off. ( Isn't dat duh, how dey made Sehpentor, duh...uh...?)” according to Johnson. For the Busters, it was business as usual for Manning, who loves to scorch the Brents. Manning had his third all-pro game and second consecutive game of 19. His main target was Santana Moss (4/40), who was nearly benched but came off the pine to score 27, a season WR record. Moss was given the gameball and Anquan Boldin (4/25) received his owner’s scorn for scoring just two points. Sadly, Joseph could not derive as much pleasure as he once could from the offensive pyrotechnics because he missed Prime Time so much. He said, “[I miss it] tons!.....they can't be replaced.” Now for a real combination, even better than Berman and Jackson (who would make an odd clone as well), Joseph nominated “Montana and Mean Joe Green.” If you need Joe Montana, he’ll be up in his room masturbating. Once the Brent defense caught on to the Manning-Moss combination, the defensive gaps were so wide even Lamont Jordan (3/17) could run through them. All of the offense set up another incredible kicking effort for the Busters who received 13 points from Robbie Gould (2/26). The kicking scores for the Busters have now looked like this: 14, 13, 13, 13. Incredible! Even more incredible was the Buster D-flex, which previous to Week Three had been the worst in the league. See what dumping Nick Barnett can do for you? Bart Scott (1/15) led the D-flex with an all-pro performance in his debut and the threesome combined for a season record 41 points. Now, if Joseph would only do the right thing and dump Ahole “Put it on the” Green (4/21), we could all be happy. Green, by the way, did not suit up for the Busters because he figured that the only thing that could overcome the six point Buster lead heading into the Monday night game was his own butterfingers. Joseph congratulated his team with a terse post game locker room speech, “Big swing game!” Then the partying began in earnest. Meanwhile, the mood was sullen in the Brent locker room, where the fume coming out of Johnson’s ears said, “too pissed to speak” more or less.
Weaselicious Cookies 105 P-Miss Envy 81 Some outside observers have begun to believe that the 2006 Modano league has somehow been transferred to Bizarro world and everything is upside-down. “Only in Bizarro world,” these commentators say, “would a Week Four game pit the undefeated Cookies against the winless Envy.” To make matters more bizarre, the Envy never really had a shot at winning. Owner Perry Missner may be an oaf when it comes to fantasy football, but it appears that he can predict the future whenever he wants. Lest we forget, last week he noted, “Since we are clearly not going to win in Week Four because no matter how big a lead we can build on Sunday (if any), Donovan against the Packers is sure to be a record setting performance.” That statement set the wheels of fate in motion and so it was and so it shall be. Verily. Missner’s troops came out slowly. He had high hopes for Leigh Bodden (1/1), but “while I’d like to nominate the Seattle Seahawks for failing to show up and make the Sunday night game interesting, it was Leigh Bodden who really failed. Your playing the Raiders for cripes sake – one measly point? You’re gone.” Speaking of gone, that is the state of ESPN Prime Time, of which Missner noted, “I would have never known it wasn’t going to be on if ESPN didn’t continually show commercials of Chris Berman and Tom Jackson walking across the stage to shake hands. You’re doing highlights for cripes sake – it’s no national tragedy.” Knowing that the audience was his, he continued, “Speaking of which, I was in a meeting a few months ago when the speaker decided to play the Prime Time game of “From?” [pregnant pause followed by the relevant university.] 95% of the audience had no idea what he wanted after he asked “From?” and the 5% of us (i.e. me) had no idea where he went to school (Purdue, as it turned out). It was like watching a golf high five – magnified by 1000 in lameness.” Anyway, the Envy were able to keep pace with the Cookies through Sunday. Daunte Culpepper (4/38) continued to improve steadily and slowly with 14 points. Despite the improvement, the Envy are the only team without a QB all-pro day. Roy Williams (3/27) also played well, racking up 10 points on yards and even TE George Wrighster’s (1/3) performance was a small surprise. Missner gave the gameball to “Thomas Jones (4/29) – with our expectations lowered away from victory, we needed a multi-TD guy to succeed. Jones did it. While I am still worried about the Bears’ running attack, Jones’ first two TD’s (as well as Willis McGahee’s (4/32) first TD dive) were very nice to watch.” As well as the Envy played, they could not break away from the Cookies who had their share of TD’s on Sunday. Kevin Jones (4/31) led the tasty treats with 18 points and Julius Jones (3/30), Andre Johnson (4/38), and DeShaun Foster (4/22) each scored TD’s. On the other hand, Owner Dan Weitz did not receive much production from Jason Witten (3/6), Fred Taylor (4/24), or Matt Stover (3/12), so they along with D-flex (10 points combined) were required to watch Beaches each night after practice without Kleenex. On Monday, the inevitable occurred as Donovan McNabb (4/104) carved the porous Packer D up like a hot knife through butter. While the Packers were able to keep the score close for a half, they are no better than a half’s worth team. McNabb set a season high with 33 points and continue his all-pro streak to open the season. He claimed to have the power of “Beaches!” McNabb said, “Friends come and go but there's always one you're stuck with for life,” quoting the tagline from the movie. To recap, Missner noted, “While I know I will probably be kicked out of American society for saying so, this was one week in which I was not that sorry to lose. First, we have Dan’s incredible turnaround, which I think has to do with his embracing of tearjerker movies and leaving his lineup alone for the most part. Second, I predicted the outcome last week: we had a nice lead (9 points) heading into Monday and McNabb was an unstoppable force against the weak fart defense of the Packers. Plus, the Packers got smushed in front of everyone’s eyes, while the Bears made mincemeat out of the former NFC champion. All in all, I can take the loss.”
County Coroners 87 Bull City Baers (sp?) 57 Some outside observers have begun to believe that the 2006 Modano league has somehow been transferred to Bizarro world and… Huh? Oh, the last recap started that way? All right. All right. We are not in Bizarro world, it’s just that the jarring changes that the opening of the 2006 season have held for us has thrown the poor members of the media for a loop. We are used to the Cookies being on the bottom and the Baers being on the top. This changing of place has been challenging our whole value system. Perhaps if Owner Randy Chambers would use his spell check, he could turn his team’s fortunes around. But it looks as if the hard-headed Chambers is trying to cut and run Enron-style rather than trying to patch the many leaky holes in the Baercraft. After losing to the Busters in Week Three, the Baers had hoped to rebound against the Coroners in Week Four. To make matters more auspicious for Chambers, the entire Coroner O-flex, consisting of three highly rated runners, was on the bye. It was almost like a Raider bye week for Owner Chad Nuss, but he was more than equal to the task. He sent in Doug Gabriel (1/9) and Braylon Edwards (1/6) who had barely learned the 600 page playbook. They prospered, but nothing like WR Terri Glenn (3/35) who fed on Chambers’ hatred for the Cowboys to mince his way to 17 points and his first all-pro performance. QB Jake Delhomme (4/32) used his knowledge of the Baer defensive scheme to blaze a 17 point trail. Meanwhile, TE Courtney “Binary” Anderson (3/2) did his usual and Coroner fans were seen passing around a petition in hopes that Nuss would never again play Anderson, who once scored a TD in 2003. The Baers did receive a season best performance from Drew Brees (4/47), who threw for 19 points, including a TD score to WR Torry Holt (4/39). Brees was given the gameball, but Chambers said that, “absolutely everyone [played like Terri Glenn] except Brees and Torry Holt. This team is a mockery of the Bear/Bare/Beer tradition and we are ashamed by our dismal performance.” Chambers’ shame was so great, that he decided to issue the follow “Important Announcement: Out of our disgust with losing to Rich and Chad, back-to-back, let alone in the same season, the Baers are now for sale. Given the franchise value (three rings!), bidding is expected to be high.” Reportedly, the first bid was by Donald Trump, who offered, “two bits.” One cause of Chambers depression could be the cancellation of Prime Time: “Since I don't subscribe to ESPN prior to college hoops season, I do not currently miss them. That said, it is absolutely atrocious that Prime Time has been cancelled. The Costas crew is not the same. I will miss Boomer & TJ on cold winter nights giving me the key plays in the big games down the stretch. Ack.” He then shouted, “Stumbling, bumbling, mumbling!” Chambers then compared Boomer and TJ to another interesting combination, “I would take the maniacal relentlessness of the best defensive player of my lifetime -- LT -- and mix it with the precision and consistency of the best skill position player of my lifetime -- Jerry Rice. The result is what Randy Moss should be, but is not, because he is neither relentless, precise or consistent.” But he does have crazy hair! Among the many lowlights for the Baers were a season record low for O-flex, just two points, a mocking 19 points from Reggie Williams who could not play due to moral consequences, and a mere three points from K John Kasay (4/33). Chambers announced soberly, “Get your bids in early. Everything is for sale. The franchise. The naming rights. The coaching position. The GM's suite. Our three rings. The players. Did I mention the players?” Trump quickly re-bid for just one bit at the mention of the players.
San Francisco Cubists 76 Belarussian Blatz 65 [the following email was recovered from the hard drive off of Representative Mark Foley’s computer. Only parts of the email could be recovered.] Dear Scottie, I’d like to invite you, along with your friends, to a luncheon in your honor at the restaurant within the Howard Johnson’s on 23rd Street to celebrate the completion of your first week as a congressional page. I know that the first week is the toughest and you probably miss home “like A-rod misses pitches in close games, if you know what I am saying.” I just want you to know that I can be your shoulder to cry on – or even your Bernard Berrian (1/13). Don’t let the performance of Reggie Bush (4/17) get you down. He’ll be fine – and so will you… …now, as I was saying, as a page I think you have all the strengths of a combination of “Bo Jackson and Barry Sanders.” Bo was a powerful engine, thrusting and pumping away, while Barry was sly, bouncing around like a pinball against rubber bumpers. Ooh! It should go without saying that a team without three players is going to lose, but when you have Larry “Bubbie” Johnson (4/36), there’s always a chance. Just like there is for us, Scottie. Those two TD’s from the O-flex were sweet, but leaving Ray Lewis (4/37) alone on D-flex was something that a bad, bad boy would do. You’re not bad, are you, Scottie?... …before I mentioned Bubbie, did I ever tell you about my experiences with a clergyperson. When I was a young man, I went to the Yeshiva and I was molested by Rabbi Rabinowitz. I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but it really made me into the man I am today. Yes, it’s true I am a representative to the US congress and I am proud of that, but that’s not who I really am. I am just a big cuddly bear, Scottie. Yes, I am. Now, Tom Brady (4/50), I could see him becoming a politician and I wouldn’t mind serving with him, if you get what I am saying here. It’s just unfortunate that the Blatz did not have their full squad or an owner – they are just adrift and that’s sometimes how I feel, Scottie. It’s lonely and depressing, sort of like having just 36 combined points from your keepers, like the Cubists. I know what you are thinking about our first encounter: “We got pretty lucky.” But it wasn’t just that “the offense was anemic other than Brady and Berrian. At least the whole team actually played.” You see what I am getting at Scottie? It’s about love. It’s about life. It’s about mentors and protégés, and it’s about you and me, Scottie (plus, your friends). So, what do you say? HoJo, you, me, your friends, and a barrel of whipped cream? It sounds like a plan. Your friend, Mark. PS If Hastert or Rumsfeld ask where you are going, tell them they are not invited this time.
Week 5 previews - I feel like I should take a long, long shower. Well, all in the service of comedy and the recaps. There’s no crevice of the human soul that I won’t adventure into for laughs. Meanwhile, we have a whole new batch of games this weekend, so let’s give them a preview. The undefeated Cookies face a great challenge this week, the 3-1 Wookies. The now dark-skinned Owner Will Mitchell said, “We wuz countin' on de Envy t'snatch waaay down de Weasel but he let him slip away t'4-0. Actually it wuz de Packers who dun did dat lettin' McNabb post some reidiculous sco'e. Now de ball be in our hands so's to rap as we snatch on de weasel in week 5. Losin' Rudi t'de bye hurts, but dis team be determined t'find some way. Slap mah fro!..” Mitchell is giving Cedric Benson his debut for Rudi Johnson. So far, Benson has averaged 10 carries and 30 yards in the three games he has appeared in. Good luck with that! Plaxico Burress returns from the bye and Troy Polamalu will try to spell Lofa Tatupu, who is on the bye. The Cookies lead the series 7-6 and the teams split in 2005, with the winner scoring in triple digits and winning in blowout fashion. Weitz still needs to find a replacement for WR Andre Johnson, but there are no candidates currently on his roster. How incredible would a 5-0 Cookie start be? The league continues to sport just three teams above .500 as parity (or mediocrity) rules. The third team is the Syracuse 44’s who meet the soured Brentless Brents. Owner John Stoer noted, “This is not the week I want to face a justifiably angry and bitter Bretts team. But we've swapped God-fearing QB's to old friend Mark Brunell and hopefully he can bring a divine spark to the club and get us back on track.” Brunell and fellow Bible enthusiast Kurt Warner have been holding marathon biblical reading sessions before, after, and sometimes during 44 practice. WR Randy Moss is not even feigning interest. Chester Taylor makes his return to the 44 O-flex for Jamal Lewis and Nate Kaeding is the replacement kicker. Owner Steve Johnson was still too steamed to comment on the upcoming matchup, so we can only hope he calms down before his blood pressure rises to unsafe levels. It’s just a game, dude! Johnson has returned Eli Manning to the lineup (oop, that’s not helping) and Ronde Barber returns to the Brent D-flex from the bye. The Brents hold a 9-5 series edge, but the teams split last year: the 44’s winning narrowly by four points and the Brents squashing Syracuse in the return bout (by 71 points!). Two teams that lost their opening two games and have bounced back with two straight wins face off when the Coroners and Busters meet. Owner Rich Joseph’s team owns a 4-1 series edge and swept the series in 2005, winning the first meeting by 70 points. Joseph commented, “Stay up guys!” He has returned TE Tony Gonzalez from his two week sabbatical, but has left everything else alone from Week Four. Owner Chad Nuss should have a rested running crew with RB’s Cadillac Williams, Tiki Barber, and Willie Parker returning from the bye. He hasn’t made any changes yet, but he will have to replace Darrell Jackson with one of his other receivers. The fourth and final team that has held even through four games is the San Francisco Cubists, who face their old nemesis, the P-Miss Envy. The Cubists are coming off a win over a team without an owner and Owner Jason Moore said, “The Envy should actually be favored--they've outscored the Cubists so far this year. Here's hoping that it takes them one more week to kick things into gear.” The teams have split the series history, seven apiece, and have split the games in the last two years. Moore returns Terrell Owens from his media seclusion for some game against the Eagles, who apparently hold ill will toward the receiver. Huh, who knew? Tatum Bell and Jason Elam also return to the lineup. For the Envy, it hasn’t been the best of seasons, but all in all, Owner Perry Missner is handling the losing pretty well. However, he was fairly emphatic in his comments for Week Five, “Enough is enough! I don’t envy our next opponent – the all too lucky Cubists who have scored 11 points less than us and have two crappy victories to show for their efforts. Although Chad Johnson will be working on his TD celebrations at home, we will unleash the Dogs of War on the Cubists and make messes of all of their paintings (although they already look like messes to us! Art criticism on the side!) Derrick Johnson makes his triumphant return to the Envy and this is the week that Daunte Culpepper scores all-pro points!” Roy Williams ascends to the WR slot and Muhsin Muhammed takes his place in the O-flex for now. The Envy have only lost more than four straight once, in 2003 when they dropped seven consecutive games. Finally, we have two teams that are not fairing as well in 2006 as they did in 2005. Owner Randy Chambers has gone from the league penthouse to his own outhouse, while Owner Josh Kowalske has checked out all together. Ever the salesman, Chambers chimed, “When you set a new low every week, losing to a guy who quit is not beyond your reach. Everything must go. Buy now. Buy later. Please, buy.” He paused, then a tumbleweed silently blew through. Donald Trump, ever the negotiator, said that he’d take the team plus two bits from Chambers. The Baers have gone from the league MVP at running back to Mike Sellers. Now that’s a comedown. Hines Ward returns and Chambers hopes that Reggie Williams big performance from the bench wasn’t just a tease. The league has appointed Brent Farf as the Blatz QB and Ryan Longshanks as their kicker. Just for old times sakes. The Baers won both meetings last year, first in blowout style then in by a five point margin in which both teams scored in triple digits. Prospective buyers of Baer items are hoping for a Blatz win, which promptly cut prices on items like Troy Williamson’s jock strap and Alex Smith’s used chewing tobacco by up to 50%. Everyone likes a sale!
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