Syracuse 44�s 87 P-Miss Envy 84 It has been said that football is a game of inches, but fantasy football is a game of gut wrenching, mindless decisions. Yes, there are the points on the board and there are a few passable strategies (like load up on runners, stupid), but this game requires the mental will of a black belt breaking a dozen boards and the intestinal fortitude of Hulk Hogan during his heyday. Owner John Stoer � or the Trickster as he is called in Finland � has a boatload of good runners, as it turns out, and his biggest problem week in and week out is trying to choose the right ones. Throughout Sunday morning, as his pizza dough settled, he vacillated between a number of options, but at �12:42 on gameday and I'm torn between Chester Taylor who I have in against Perry's tough Bears D or an iffy Brian Westbrook (3/53) who I have out against a weak Niners squad. I roll the dice on Westbrook and am rewarded with a healthy 28 point performance whereas Taylor scored 5.� In the words of the ancient knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, a movie that couldn�t be made today because �both Sean Connery and Harrison Ford look like grandpappies,� �he chose wisely.� Westbrook teamed with RB Clinton Portis (2/30) for fifty points, leading the 44�s to their third straight victory to open the season. Portis and Westbrook were given gameballs. Although Owner Perry Missner�s team has had his plans for league domination ripped asunder in the opening three weeks, he is remarkably upbeat. He said, �I am going to give the gameball to Daunte Culpepper (3/24). You can see how he is improving each week and that his attitude is really that of a winner. Is he producing big numbers? No, but he will be � I can just feel it � in the air. Big numbers in the air.� What in the world? He did say that �I don�t know what�s up with the Bears running game. I guess their going with the efficient passing game because that�s what opponents are giving them, but Thomas Jones� (3/11) lack of yards is a concern � a big concern.� The Envy were led by Roy Williams (2/17) who had the Envy�s first offensive all-pro game and Edgerrin James (3/28) who scored a TD. Chad Johnson (3/14) went scoreless. Although Missner claimed to be surprised at his team�s winlessness, what really �surprised (and disappointed) [me] was how useless Fox�s score update/10-minute ticker has been. I know Fox broadcasts baseball, but I am watching football, so I want to know the football scores. I also know that the scores are in a continuous loop in the upper right hand portion of the screen, but I want to know who scored the TD�s. Fox never tells me. Jerks.� Stoer said he was surprised about �The Saints making RC's prediction look good and the Dolphins making me look bad.� Despite the win Stoer was displeased �by everyone else [other than Portis and Westbrook] on offense� and the fact that �2001- A Space Odyssey will never be remade with Carrot Top as part of the cast.� In all, Stoer who made four delicious pizzas over the weekend, trumping Missner�s sausage heavy green pepper affair, said, �I can only hope my luck holds.� The 44�s do a have an alarming trend: in the first three weeks they have scored fewer points and had a smaller winning margin in each week. The ever-buoyant Missner, who team last started 0-3 in 2003 (a season that ended in 4-13 ruin) said, �I�ve always said that if you set your goals low enough, you are sure to achieve them. This week, the goal was to score more than two TD�s and my guys succeeded. They scored three! Had Sto kept Chester Taylor in the lineup, we would have won, but this is not about winning or losing, it�s about achieving your goals.�
Brentless Brents 89 Peaks Island Wookies 69 It was a long week for Owner Will Mitchell. Despite the inner giddiness at being 2-0 heading into Week Three, Mitchell had to deal with the severe pain caused by his dousing by a barrel full of New England Clam Chowdah. There were reportedly chunks of clam in his ears. With Mitchell recovering in the hospital, he gave command of his team over to his brother Charlie, who came to the Wookie practice facilities, pronounced them unsafe for human presence, and left in a whirlwind. The Wookie players were on their own and without the leadership of QB Drew Bledsoe, who had been suspended for one week due to the chowdah incident, practices were generally less than ten minutes. Meanwhile, Brents Owner Steve Johnson had his own difficulties. Security blanket RB LaDainian Tomlinson was on the bye, so without his main runner, Johnson did not want Carson Palmer to get crushed. He benched Palmer for the week and gave Eli Manning his first, non-bye related start. Manning came through, for once, with 18 points, a TD to Amani Toomer (1/7), and a gameball award winning performance. Johnson noted, �I thought my week was over watching that game early. But the little guy pulled it out.� Uh, yeah� No other Brents scored TD�s, although Ronde Barber (3/31) had 13 for the D-flex. Johnson was particularly displeased by �Todd Heap. Who injures themselves, at home, while stretching? I'm just glad Colston has TE in his description.� Mitchell had made the bold move of naming Rex Grossman as his starting QB. Grossman (1/9) did not have the best of games, but he did manage a late TD for a Bears win. WR Keyshawn Johnson (3/27) seemed to take the chaos surrounding the Wookies in stride, hitting the endzone twice for 18 points � a season high for WR�s. He also earned a gameball, or as Mitchell called in this case, �the damn gameball.� Mitchell�s aches became worse as he watched former-Brent WR Plaxico Burress (3/23) drop the ball and lose a point for his team. Nurses reportedly heard Mitchell cry, �BURRESS and the Gints - pathetic and a MINUS 1?!?!?� Yet Mitchell�s pain was soon quelled by some Reefer Madness and thought that skin graft surgery was not as painful as �castration? or perhaps emergency limb amputation, without pain meds, with a pocket knife?� Johnson noted that skin grafting was also not as bad as �That one Bo Jackson had where they had to go in and scrap all that tissue away from the hip socket and it didn't grow back. Ya, that had to suck.� Surgical procedures aside, there was one simple reason that the Brents won: two guys named Steve. Johnson opted for Steven Jackson (3/23) at RB and Steve Smith (1/7) at WR. With such synchronization that only Steves could offer each other, the team won. Johnson was looking for a QB Steve, but he said that the chances of him starting Steve McNair were about as good as �Ashton Kutcher starring in Birth of a Nation!� While Johnson found nothing particularly surprising about the opening weeks of the NFL season, he did say, �didn't have our stud but everyone stepped up and did their part to win.� Mitchell may be well enough to return to the sidelines for Week Four, but he found a lot of NFL surprises, �The pats stunk vs Denver and Brady is not on his game. They are a lame 2-1 - could be 0-3. But then again they look a thousand times better than Miami who was picked to do well for some reason - the Pats get it right and win the divison and go far again. also the Saints - big surprise there. Carolina - surprise other direction.� He also noted, �we played very poorly in week 3 - I think it was the scalding.�
The Ballbusters 77 Bull City Baers (sp?) 69 What does Owner Randy Chambers do when he gets a bit blue because of a slow start to a season? Two things: he puts the gentle music of Enya on in the background and self-medicates. While we will try not to implicate Chambers in any malfeasance, some of the answers to his post game lockerroom interview pretty much gave him away. Of course, losses don�t come much harder than the Week Three debacle against opposite Owner Rich Joseph. As detailed in last week�s preview, Chamber�s black is Joseph�s white. These two can�t seem to agree on anything. Whereas Joseph said that �hair plugs� would be the most painful surgery, Chambers went to the other end and said, �Anything testicular, since even the application of the anesthesia would hurt. I hate needles, dude.� You see, they are opposites. When Chambers said �Lawrence of Arabia [wouldn�t be made today]. The Bushies would have it banned for being subversive, since it portrays Arabs as nice guys, especially in places like Baghdad, not true Islamo-fascists,� Joseph turned the coin around and said �Caligula.� In even fantasy football strategy, they are opposites. Chambers prefers to led his team�s ground game open up passing lanes, while Joseph lets Peyton Manning (3/62) do his chicken dancing to set everything up. In Week Three, Manning was dancing and squawking like a Purdue roaster. He set up the Buster attack with 19 points on two TD�s (his second all-pro performance). One of his TD�s went to LJ Smith (1/7) and two others would have gone to TJ Houshmandzadeh, who had 18 points from the bench in a gameball earning performance. Housh was replaced by Rod Smith (2/4) who was neglected essentially for two points. Ahole �Put it on the� Green (3/21) scored a fluke TD, but also had a costly fumble and Robbie Gould (1/13) led the special teams with a sensational performance. Speaking of sensational kickers, John Kasay (3/30) earned the gameball for the Baers and Chambers vacantly noted, �Dude, I don't even know if I've ever had a kicker earn all-pro.� Dude. The Baers were also buoyed by Torry Holt (3/27), who shares the WR lead for overall points with Keyshawn Johnson and Keith Bulluck (3/32) who combined for 23 points. Chambers was slightly peeved, but mostly laid back when discussing �Dude. Donte' Stallworth has to forfeit one of his two earlier gameballs for quitting just before kickoff. Dude.� Stallworth�s naught was as surprising to Chambers as �The Packers having a single win. Dude. Seeing a player get de-spleened in a game. Duude. The Raiders being so bad that they've neutralized Moss. Duuude.� Making matters worse, the only longtime Baer left, Shaun Alexander (3/20) has a broken foot and may miss a month of action. Duuuude� Overall, Chambers noted, �Can I pick up the Bus? He cannot do worse than we've done. Who would have thunk that the holy trinity of Moss-'Pepper-Alexander would have three TDs and a broken foot between them in three weeks! Losing to Rich is the absolute nadir... for now.� He then retreated into his smoky den to contemplate the cosmos.
Weaselicious Cookies 92 Belarussian Blatz 77 If you�ve ever discussed movies with Owner Dan Weitz, you�ll know that he has two favorites. As has been mentioned many times in the past, there is 1A Barry Gordy�s The Last Dragon, which Weitz can repeat the dialogue � word by excruciating word � if you ask him (and often when not asked. Also, once he has started, he will not stop under any circumstances). Choice 1B, however, is actually much closer to Weitz�s heart: Beaches. A gushing Weitz said, �They could never remake that movie today. The Divine Miss M was at her height of fabulousity � both in acting and singing. Although Barbara Streisand comes close to Bette with some of her singing, there is only one Midler. But the part that always gives me a goose is when Bette starts singing �Wind Beneath My Wings.� Oh, that�s so heavenly.� Perhaps the only sensation that Weitz may have that is comparable to when his heartstrings are pulled by Beaches is the amazing opening to the 2006 season of his Cookies. In Week Three, he faced Owner Josh Kowalske and his Belarussian Blatz, but Kowalske was nowhere to be found. The adrift team had Larry Johnson (3/16) who was on the bye in the lineup. Still, Matt Hasselbeck (3/43) would not let the team lose face. Hasselbeck set a season high with five TD�s, but had to settle for 28 points because of his interceptions. Huh, reminds us of his mentor, Brent Farf, who had 29 points from the Blatz bench. The Blatz�s top rated D-flex continued to tackle away with Derrick Brooks (3/29) and Antonio Pierce (3/26) combined for 19 points. Not to be outdone by Hasselbeck, Cookie QB Donovan McNabb (3/71) had his third all-pro performance of the season with 21 points. McNabb is the top scorer in the league and the only player whose total is already in the 70�s. He was able to get ten points out of Andre Johnson (3/25) as well as TD from Kevin Jones (3/13) who should get double points for scoring against the Packers. The Cookie special teams also chipped in with ten points from Matt Stover (1/10) and 26 points from the D-flex, led by James Farrior�s (3/28) ten. Deuce McAllister (1/5) came off the bench to score five points in Julius Jones� stead and the Cookies have the top-rated keepers, mostly thanks to Donovan. The Cookies have been able to get off to their best start in franchise history due to some motivational techniques by Weitz as well as a league low point allowance (69.67 ppg). The three game winning streak also equals a the longest winning streak in franchise history, from 2004 when the Cookies went 9-8, their only winning season in the Modano annals. After the jubilation of the win, Weitz told reporters that he needed some down time. He was seen heading to the basement with a box of Kleenex and a video cassette which may or may not have been Beaches.
County Coroners 98 San Francisco Cubists 73 [the following recap was written by Cubist WR Terrell Owens at his press conference upon announcing that he had no plans to off himself] �Hello, everybody! I am super excited to be here and I can�t wait begin another brand new day on this beautiful earth! It�s great! I�m great and I am feeling great! Great! Great! Great! Unfortunately, I was unable to play in this week�s game because of my broken hand and my team being on the bye, but there is nothing I would enjoy more than being on the football field, where I am just one of eleven guys with a common cause. No, I don�t really care for the media spotlight. I care about winning. I care about Drew Rosenhaus. And I care about Owner Jason Moore, who has seen me through a lot of things over the years. I remember telling Moore that I thought Coroner QB Jake Delhomme (3/15) was gay and that Darrell Jackson (1/16) couldn�t hold my jockstrap with both hands. I won�t even recognize the excellent Willie Parker (3/28) showed in leading the Coroners with 20 points because he is not in the same galaxy as me. You see, I am that talented. I am that real, people. Now, I can understand that some of you are mad at me for calling press conference after press conference just to denounce our QB, Tom Brady (3/34) who refuses to look to me only when we are on the field together. I know our team has talented receivers like Larry Fitzgerald (3/21) and Donald Driver (2/18), who may or may not have scored TD�s this week. To be honest, I wasn�t watching. Perhaps you heard, I was in the hospital. You see, last week, I broke my hand, but gamer that I am, I just wanted it to heal as fast possible. Now, the doctors told me that if I took one of the white pills every six hours that I would be as good as new for our next game. I think I misheard them and started taking six pills every hour � or maybe I just wanted to heal faster, yeah, that�s the ticket. In any case, I couldn�t be happier that it�s all about me again. Of course, suicide is a very serious topic and one I don�t think anyone should try, but I�ll tell you this: attempted suicide almost got me as many headlines as doing crunches on my driveway or saying that Donovan McNabb was an alien who could not throw an accurate pass. There is one thing I�d like Moore to change about the Cubists, which is a name I don�t really get. Isn�t the San Francisco T.O.�s much more tongue-pleasing? Or how about the Terrell Ownses? Yes, that has a nice ring to it. Next, he should cut the rest of the players besides TO. Of course, Alge Crumpler (3/12) can stay because he told me that he�d block for me, but he is the only one. Well, I am glad to be here. I am glad I am alive. And I am glad that everybody is looking at me. If anyone needs me, I�ll be stalking Katie Couric. Bye.�
Week Four previews - Through three weeks, the league only has two undefeated teams left. Two teams that have never been undefeated heading into Week Four before: the 44�s and Cookies. Of the two, the 44�s face the sterner challenge in the 2-1 Wookies, who will have Owner Will Mitchell back on the sidelines after a week of painful skin graft procedures. Mitchell noted, �Bledsoe at Tennessee helps...maybe. But we've lost our 2-0 swagger for sure. Looking to get down to business in week 4 and battle hard.� He was probably on a TO load of painkillers when he made those statements. Along with Bledsoe, Antonio Gates and Derrick Mason returns from the bench to replace the on-the-bye Plaxico Burress. The Wookies lead the series history 7-5 and the teams split last year. Owner John Stoer will juggle his lineup until Sunday morning again, but for now he is going with the same starters as in Week Three with the exception of Ben Watson replacing Desmond Clark at the all-important TE slot. Stoer commented, �I can only hope that Will has his mind wrapped around securing a baseball championship rather than playing a meaningless week 4 game against an average opponent. The Wookies are always talented and dangerous so we will need to play much better as a team this week if we want to pull out a victory.� The Cookies could well be on their way to 4-0 as they face the languishing Envy. Owner Perry Missner commented, �Since we are clearly not going to win in Week Four because no matter how big a lead we can build on Sunday (if any), Donovan against the Packers is sure to be a record setting performance. 0-4, ho hum, so the goal for Week Four is to get one player with more than one TD. C�mon Daunte, I know you can do it.� Can Missner be giving up on the season already? The Envy do have Shawn Merriman coming back and are giving Leigh Bodden and George Wrighster their debuts. Although the teams split last year, the Envy have taken four of the last five meetings and lead the series 9-6. Owner Dan Weitz has decided to return Julius Jones to the RB slot and has two new defensive starters: Shaun Rogers and Antonio Winfield. The only other team above .500 is the 2-1 Brentless Brents who face the Busters and archenemy Peyton Manning. Lest it be forgotten, Manning was once a Brent keeper, but Owner Steve Johnson decided to keep Brent Farf around rather than the Indy QB. A mistake? Not in Johnson�s heart. Johnson noted, �Full strength so let�s keep the streak going.� The Brents have won two straight and are 4-2 against the Busters, including three straight wins. Before Owner Rich Joseph thought his team was going to win in Week Three, he cried, �help!� He received such help from the defenses of the Saints and Falcons, who limited Drew Brees and Warrick Dunn to eight points. Ladell Betts, Bart Scott, and Chris Hope make their Buster debuts, while the Brents return LaDainian Tomlinson and give starts to Joseph Addai and Kerry Rhodes. The Bares hope to overcome complete ignominy when they play the Coroners. Owner Randy Chambers puffed, �Dude, losing to the County and Rich back-to-back would be a new franchise low. We gotta hitch up our pants, find a way to get in the endzone, and get on a roll. Preseason is over.� Chambers will likely have to replace Shaun Alexander with Warrick Dunn in the RB slot and has gone with an untested O-flex of Reggie Williams, Donte Stallworth, and Troy Williamson. The 1-2 start equals the worst for the Baers since 2003, when they ripped off nine straight wins after a loss to the Busters. Owner Chad Nuss has resisted the urge to bench all of his Raiders again and has TE Courtney �binary� Anderson in the lineup. Braylon Edwards and former-Raider Doug Gabriel inhabit the usual RB stocked Coroner O-flex, while Nuss sits Willie Parker, Tiki Barber, and Cadillac Williams. The teams split last year, but the Baers own a 12-4 series edge. In the fifth game we have two owners riddled with bye-losses and a reluctance to make any switches. The Cubists will be without Mike and Tatum Bell, Jason Elam, and Carlos Emmons as well as Terrell Owens who is having a minor reaction to some of the many pills he ingested. The Blatz will be without Jeremy Shockey, Antonio Pierce, and Derrick Brooks. Deputy Commissioner Steve �the Einar� Olsen has promised to stand in the Ripon town square, ringing his bell and calling out for �the Dude� until Owner Josh Kowalske appears and makes some lineup changes. The Cubists won both matchups last year in blow out fashion and handed the Blatz their first ever Modano loss in Week Two. Nothing last forever.
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