Peaks Island Wookies 102 The Ballbusters 79 It seems every year when the weather turns cooler and everyone has to get their coats out of summer storage, the Wookies and Busters meet in one of their two annual Chowdah Bowls. With both Owners Rich Joseph and Will Mitchell hailing from the upper Northeast and carrying the regional sports fervor to an extreme, the battles between the two teams are always hard fought despite wafting aroma of New England clam chowdah enveloping the arena. It�s enough to make anyone salivate. The Busters took an early lead behind QB Peyton Manning, who resumed his crushing of the league with 31 points (a season high for all players) and three TD�s. Manning was given the gameball. Unfortunately, Manning played selfishly, calling for repeated QB sneaks when the Busters got the ball in the red zone and no other starter scored. When Manning was stymied by the Wookie D-flex, who combined for 18 points, K Adam Vinatieri was there to knock some points through the up-stretched posts. Vinatieri hit for 13 and leads all kicking scorers. Beyond Manning and Vinatieri, the only other Buster to show up was Robert Mathis, who knifed through the Wookie offensive line for 15 points. Joseph was particularly displeased by TE Tony Gonzalez, who went scoreless. In fact, Joseph was considering demoting Gonzalez to Shrewsbury High School where he could properly display his skills beside Brent Farf. Mitchell thought Farf should go to the Jets. The play of Lamont Jordan (2 points), or as Joseph calls him �Chunky Monkey,� also caused concern and the Busters now have the lowest rated RB slot in the league. Priest Holmes seems like a distant memory. When Wookie QB Drew Bledsoe was given some blocking he was able to direct an offensive onslaught. Everything played off of the brilliant running of Rudi Johnson, who set a season RB standard with 21 points. Once Rudi made the Busters stack eight or nine players in the box, Bledsoe (19 points) was able to pick apart the Buster secondary like it was nonexistent. Plaxico Burress had his second consecutive week with a TD and had a season WR high of 13 points. Corey Dillon (11 points) also fell into the endzone as the Wookies set a high for the week with 102 points. At his post game press conference, Mitchell said, �I sure do love beating Manning. Well the big news was the dramatic comeback upset of the homers over Empear. But the Wookies at 2-0 is also, surprise�� And just he said said, �surprise,� Mitchell�s players unveiled a surprise for him. To properly enjoy the victory, the players, led by Bledsoe, dumped a Gatorade barrel of the aforementioned Chowdah on Mitchell�s head. Sadly, the thermal properties of the barrel did not allow the soup to cool and the dousing scalded Mitchell�s pale body. After screaming a string of curse words that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush (if he is still alive), Mitchell was taken to Boston General Hospital where he is currently resting comfortably. The third degree burns covering 95% of his body will heal eventually, but will the mental scars? In a completely unrelated move, Deputy Commissioner Steve �the Einar� Olsen banned all soup-like substances from being held in Gatorade barrels near the sidelines.
Bull City Baers (sp?) 84 San Francisco Cubists 58 Fantasy football analysts like to point out the importance of every facet of the game: from draft preparation to schedule analysis to the incredible luck needed to win in any particular week. However, the one component they generally omit is the moral aspect of the game. For example, morally, it is nearly impossible to win with a Green Bay Packer playing on your roster. Yes, you may win a few games, but how can you look yourself in the mirror? Owner Jason Moore faces these moral ambiguities every week since his main man WR Terrell Owens has moved on to the hated Dallas Cowboys. Rival Owner Randy Chambers had chided his fellow Sidwell Friend for even considering using the most overexposed athlete of our time against their team � the Redskins. Under such overwhelming and incessant teasing, Moore finally �did the right thing� and benched Owens. While Owens did not do much (one point) beside strutting and careening for the press, the rest of the Cubists seem to think that Moore did not have winning over morals at heart. RB Reuben Droughns (12 points) ran for a rare TD (earning a reluctant gameball), but QB Tom Brady only managed seven points from his TD. Other than that, Donald Driver got 11 points on yards, but that didn�t really matter. Moore, who believes that �Mario Williams (hopefully)� will be a bust, found it �tough to pick just one [player who was lousy]. How about Ed Reed?� Reed, who was spectacular in 2004, just hasn�t responded to his big contract the way the Ravens assumed he would. He had no points. Meanwhile, Chambers got his team its first win after making Moore backpedal out of Owens. QB Drew Brees had a tough start against the Packers, but everything ended sweetly as he tallied two TD�s, 14 points, and a Saints win in Lambeau. One of his TD strikes went to former Saint WR Donte Stallworth, who had 11 points. Chambers gave part of the gameball to Stallworth, noting �we love guys who respond to bench balls with big balls.� The other part went to �Jamo. I believe it was Lord Byron who first penned the immortal limerick, "Ode to the Terribly Obnoxious, Wearing the Hated Star:� �To lose with class/is much sweeter/than to be crass." The poem caused Moore to add, �Oh, shove it up your %#*.� The Bares received a bounce back game from Shaun Alexander, who scored 11 and a TD, and Torry Holt took a step toward taking the WR slot with eight points over Hines Ward (1 point). Chambers was not happy with the play of Chris Cooley (1 points), commenting, �He was so good getting open last year, even Brunell could hit him stride. Barely open is not enough with the Saint chucking them to you.� Speaking of former-Packer QB�s, Chambers thought Brent Farf could be useful on �the Colts who would do well to pick him up as their practice QB. Peyton is so accurate that the Colt defense does not know what to do when the opposing QB throws it right into their arms, nor have they ever practiced defending a QB stupidly chucking a ball into a triple team. Thus, they can average Farf and the anti-Farf of Peyton to approximate defending an average QB.� Interesting, but what about team chemistry? Moore offered his opinion on the topic as well, �The Skins. It would be a nice change to see bullets picked off instead of moonballs.� An interception is still an interception. And speaking of interceptions, Chambers thinks Jay Cutler will be a bust. In the end, the Bares picked up their 90th franchise win � a Modano record � and are now 7-2 in Week Twos. Chambers gleefully announced, �We covet the one (more) ring that the Cubists possess. Until we can grab the one ring, the rest of us is just a bunch of little hobbits running around in the forest. Oh yes, and there was one good thing in the Sunday night game -- seeing T.O. play like crap and be beat by Mike Rumph (!!), whilst breaking his little pinkie.� He added, �Personally, I'd recommend Julius [of the flavors of Dr. Pepper]. The rest are crap.� Moore just shook his fist at the heavens and cried, �Yo, karma--how about some help when I do the right thing by benching TO?� Karma did not reply.
Syracuse 44�s 99 Belarussian Blatz 83 For many years, Owner John Stoer � or the Trickster as he is known in superhero circles � has seethed with quiet envy as his former high school classmates added Modano championship upon championship. He knew that if his team could just get off to a fast start, the pieces might fall into place and he could claim his own place in the Sidwell Friends Hall of Fame. That fast start has eluded the 44�s year after year and until 2006, they had never won their first two games of the season. You could blame on Stoer�s wacky drafting or bad luck, perhaps, but things look slightly different for Syracuse this year. In Week One, the 44�s came out swinging and crushed the County Coroners. In Week Two, the totals weren�t quite as impressive and the opponent was somewhat stauncher, but the 44�s survived to break a long standing curse. The balanced offense was led by �Fumblin' Frank Gore for the second week in a row.� Gore earned a gameball for his 11 points. He was matched in double figures by QB Kurt Warner, RB Brian Westbrook, and K Shayne Graham. Stoer was displeased by �Big Ben Watson and his two points. Not living up to the �featured receiver� or �matchup nightmare� label as of yet.� At least Watson is not a bust the size of �D'Brick. He's so slow, he was tripping up his own runners yesterday.� In Week One, the 44 O-flex scored 38 points. In Week 2, it was the 44 D-flex�s turn to score 38, led by a season high defensive player total for DL Adelius Thomas, who had 24 points. Will Witherspoon, in his first action of the season, chipped in 12. In honor of the performance, Stoer gave each of the D-flex members a can of Dr. Pepper, but not just any Dr. Pepper ��In honor of our commish, I know he'd enjoy the vast array of one-liners that comes with anything entitled Berries and Cream.� At that line, Commissioner Todd Tugwell entered the press conference, smiled, took a bow, and left. Owner Josh Kowalske could not be blamed if were somewhat frustrated by the Week Two result. The Blatz did pretty much everything the same as in the Week One win: lots of yards, even more TD�s, and an excellent D-flex total (29 points), but the competition was just too good. The Blatz D-flex is tied with the 44 D-flex as the top rated unit in the league, but the team will need some more outstanding performances (like the Cubists and Baers, the Blatz have yet to have an all-pro performer) to notch more wins. The sad presence of Brent Farf (26 bench points) on the sideline, made Stoer wonder where he would end up next, �He will certainly end up a Raider, but the team that could use him most is the Skins. About the only way Brunell could get worse is if he masters the Farf shuffle pass in traffic move, and what better way than to learn from the master. Maybe then Gibbs will take off his Ned Flanders glasses and realize that Brunell now has the arm of an average high school QB and that might be his best attribute left.� Overall, an excited but weary Stoer commented, �Another fine effort, this time led by our D. We were pretty fortunate with the distribution in the Indy-Texans slaughter, and I'm pleased that our superlative bench play wasn't needed. We really need to cut down on our fumbling though but heck (sorry, too much Madden last night) I'll take a 2-0 start with a lousy Moss and an injured Portis yet to contribute to their abilities.�
Brentless Brents 85 P-Miss Envy 70 Week One did not treat Owner Steve Johnson kindly. Not only were the Brents drubbed by the Packer-loving friends, the Blatz, but the Packers were shut out in Lambeau Field by the Chicago Bears by a score of 26-0. Let�s not forget that. To make matters worse, standing before Johnson in Week Two was his arch-nemesis, Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy. The game had a number of interesting sub-plots as well, including the first meeting of QB�s Daunte Culpepper and Carson Palmer, who decided to have the other�s elbow tendons placed in their knees. Palmer, apparently, is healing faster because he scored 17 points, but one of his TD tosses went to Envy WR Chad Johnson (11 points). Culpepper rallied of a late, meaningless TD (11 points), but he just doesn�t look right in the white and aqua. Missner still refused to criticize his leader of the offense, �[adopting the crazy Nick Saban voice again] While we did not get the production at the top of the lineup that we would have liked, we really can�t point the finger or put the blame on Daunte Culpepper. He is still adjusting to a new system as well as a new leg. Bionics, especially those run by nanotechnology, take some time to adapt to the host environment. Daunte will be jumping over huge walls soon.� The big QB also doesn�t have the right sound for his bionics yet. When he jumps, he says, �ner-ner-ner-naaah.� It sounds terrible. Speaking of terrible QB�s, Missner figured QB Brent Farf would �end up on the Redskins. Only Napoleon Danny will give him the kind of scratch his wife demands and the Skins seem to like splashy signings. Sadly, the Farf saga will end badly as Farf can�t take the booing he receives upon returning to Lambeau and once again hits the sauce. Farf will get cut (as the Redskins once again pick up Jeff George) again, sign a contract with the Seahawks, never get a chance to play, and join the Arena League, saying, �anything that gets me out of the house is fine with me.�� Scratch? Sauce? Johnson thought that �TB could use him now. Trading him for a bunch of draft picks would be great for GB.� Sadly, only Ted Thompson would be dumb enough to fall for something like that and the rumors are that he has traded his entire 2007 draft to get Craig Nall back. The Brent O-flex (22 points), led by gameball earning Laurence Maroney in his Modano debut (12 points), beat the underperforming Envy O-flex (15 points) to offset the difference in the D-flex�s (23 for the Envy, 14 for the Brents). Missner gave the gameball to �Brian Urlacher. He was active in tackling and fell on that fumble like no one else could. He also has the presence of a winner, or maybe that is just the smell of his red zone deodorant.� Speaking of linebackers, Missner gave his thoughts on the first round bust, going with the obvious: �I�ll bet you are all betting that I am going to say AJ Hawk. Nope. He�ll be decent this year, get hype going into next year, get hurt, rehab, get hurt again, get cut, and come back as a special teams player with the Pats. Greenway already got hurt and he won�t be coming back.� The game was still close until LaDainian Tomlinson took the field. His 19 points were the difference and even the potential Heath Miller dominant performance on Monday night did not scare the Brents. Miller�s performance (zero points) was not dominant and the Brents earned their first victory. The team is now 7-1 in Week Twos. Missner noted, �The TD�s seem to be in short supply at the beginning of the season. Two each week ain�t gonna get it done. We seem to have some decent players, but they just haven�t received the red zone opportunities. I think things will turn around. A nice win for the Brents, who got enviable production from a number of slots (although Lance Briggs chose to wisely not go against his own).� In a show of genuine friendship, Missner offered Johnson a can of cool, refreshing Dr. Pepper, causing Johnson to exclaim, �Who doesn�t like cabbage?� Missner then whispered to the press crew, �If you read the fine print of a Dr. Pepper can or bottle, you�ll find that there is 0.0001% bull semen in it.� Unfortunately, the rabbit-eared Johnson heard the remark and did a classic spit take all over his new yellow-and-green Brent warm-ups, which actually improved the look of the sweatsuit.
Weaselicious Cookies 81 County Coroners 62 Hollywood sports movies have become so dull and formulaic that the Cookies 1-0 start caused movie script writers to pick up their pens and start penning a movie called, �I�ll Take a Bite of that Cookie: Based on the True Story of Owner Dan Weitz and his Fantasy Football team that Overcame All the Odds to Win.� Steve Buscemi was reported to win the role of Weitz while his famous daughter Amber would changed to a boy named Ambrose and be played by Haley Joel Osment (because Dakota Fanning and Punky Brewster were unavailable). Pat Morita would reprise his role of Gus as played in Miracle Beach. Tony Scott had been attached to direct. However, with the Cookies winning in Week Two, they can no longer be looked as the underdog, so the script was red-lighted. Yes, now 2-0 and full of bravado, there may be no stopping Weitz and his Weaselicious Cookies. Once again, the Cookies leaned heavily on �D�Nabb, my boy,� who earned a gameball for his 25 point outburst, matching his total from Week One and making him the highest scoring player in Modano land through two weeks. McNabb hit Andre Johnson (9 points) for one score and his many forays into enemy territory resulted in a heap of points for Nate Kaeding (16 points equaling a heap). Oh, before we forget to mention, the Cookies were playing someone else, but who was it? Oh yes, the Coroners. Poor Owner Chad Nuss, his beleaguered Raider-laden squad has had a rough opening to the season. The only Coroner to score a TD was Cowboy Terri Glenn. Both Jake Delhomme (six points) and K Sebastian Janakowski (eight points) played infinitely better than they did in Week One, but the Cookie D-flex kept the four Coroner RB�s out of the endzone. Back with the Cookies, Weitz wasn�t completely satisfied, despite the win. �Kevin Jones, damn! You suck. I would pull you this week if it wasn�t for the fact you play the running back friendly peckers whose first round pick, Ass Jockey Hawk, will be a complete bust.� Dwight Freeney (one point) also had a bad game, but unlike Jones does not play the Packers this week, so he was cut. Weitz did waste 16 points on the bench from Deuce McAllister and nine points from Marion Barber III, but he was surprised by the win nevertheless, �2-0. Have I ever been 2-0?� As a matter of fact, yes, the Cookies were 2-0 back in 2003, the only season that ended with the Cookies having a better than .500 (9-8) record. Despite bad luck in the past (coming into the season, the Cookies had allowed an average of 84.4 ppg, the most of any team except the first year Blatz who allowed 88.8 ppg last year), things are swinging in Weitz�s direction as the team has only allowed 66.0 ppg this year. We�re absolutely sure that will continue.
Week 3 previews - The third week of the season features a number of interesting matchups. The top-ranked 44�s had better bring their winning appetite when they faced the slow-starting Envy in the annual Pizza Bowl. Last year the teams split the series and nearly scored the same number of points (a 93-81 44 win in Week Two and a 86-73 Envy win in Week Eleven). Owner John Stoer said, �Pizza Bowl I. Always fun, always a tough test. This will be a fine chance to see where we stand this season. We have to stop Daunte from getting his "roll" on and hope Edge doesn't have his breakout game. I'll have to tell Warner that there will be no talking to God next week if he hands off too much.� Stoer has changed his lineup slightly, but The Trickster may have a few aces up his sleeve. He has inserted Antonio Bryant for the on-the-bye Randy Moss and is using one of his age-old tricks with Bears TE Desmond Clark for the underperforming Ben Watson. Clinton Portis has replaced Brian Westbrook in the RB slot. The Envy have been extremely mediocre this season, but that may all change now that Gibril Wilson is in the lineup. Owner Perry Missner is hoping that Roy Williams takes advantage of Ahmad Carroll and Charles Woodson and said, �While we are without our top scorer (LB Shawne Merriman � sigh), we always know that the delicious smell of oregano will be in the air. A little known fact, at the �U� (place of higher learning to both Edgerrin James and Willis McGahee), if the team wins, the coach takes the players out for pizza at Pizza Hut. Two slices apiece! How�s that for incentive?� The Envy lead the series history 8-7. The second undefeated team, the Peaks Island Wookies, take on a stern test in the Brentless Brents, who will also be LaDainian-less because of the bye. Owner Steve Johnson reiterated, �LT�s out against an undefeated team. This will be a huge test for everyone on the roster.� Including you, Michael Jenkins! Last year, the Brents smushed the Wookies in their only meeting, a 149-94 Week Nine win. Johnson had the choice of two former-Wookie starters and is giving Eli Manning his first start of the season. Eli was fine from the bench in 2005, but choked in actual action. Johnson hopes to team Amani Tommer with Manning and really hopes that WR Steve Smith is ready for his first action of the season. RB Joseph Addai also makes his Modano debut. Owner Will Mitchell has his own bye problems to overcome to increase his 7-5 series edge. He will be without bestest buddy Drew Bledsoe, main man Antonio Gates, and most of his original skin due to the Chowdah dunking. Still, the science of skin grafting is amazing. Despite the excruciating pain, Mitchell made some very wise replacement decisions, including QB Rex Grossman and TE Kellen Winslow, who would like to be a bigger part of the offense. The U! Mitchell said, �Watch for branch to have an impact, and some others to turn it up�led by super-REX.� The third and final undefeated team is the Weaselicious Cookies, who take on the Belarussian Blatz, who have been Ouaou-ing so far this season. That laissez-faire management style has worked in the first two weeks for two 80+ point totals, but in Week Three, the Blatz will be without Larry �Bubbie� Johnson. Will Owner Josh Kowalske name a replacement? Or will Owner Dan Weitz get off to his first ever 3-0 start. The Blatz swept the series last year by a slim margin in Week One (72-70), then a wide margin in Week Ten (48-102). Weitz commented, �As much as I love my dude I have to take him out!! I can taste 3-0. Must have positive outlook � have to fight urge to self-implode.� Weitz has sent Deuce McAllister to replace Julius Jones, but has a hole in his D-flex where new starter Jermaine Phillips should be. Old rivals and co-champions, the Bares (sp?) and Busters meet off in what is always a contrast of styles. Owners Randy Chambers and Rich Joseph are like the Felix and Oscar of the league. Chambers noted, �Our goal in life is catching the Cubists, but the true joy in the Bull City comes with beating the 2003 "co-champs." With a Saint at QB in the Dome-re-deboo, we'll need a little bit of voodoo to turn Peyton into Farf, a/k/a doodoo.� He then shouted, �Use the coasters, people!� Chambers has not made any alterations to his lineup and holds a 4-2 series advantage, despite the teams splitting the series in 2005. A big glop of his sandwich then fell on his brand new shirt. He spooned the glop up with his fingers and ate it. Joseph said, �do or die....already.� It�s true, if the Busters fall to 0-3, they may as well start scouting for baseball season in 2007. Not helping matters is that Joseph has had to promote Ahole �Put in on the� Green to starting RB and his O-flex now consists of Santana Moss, Housh, and Laveranues Coles. Joseph has also replaced Michael Strahan with Osi Umenyiori. The fifth game pits ancient rivals, the Cubists and Coroners against one another. Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists are coming off a 58 point week that was their lowest total since the final week of 2005, when they only managed 54 points. Prior to that Week Seventeen aberration, you�d have to go back all the way to 1999 when the Cubists were beaten by the Bye Week Oauoa�s in Week Two of that season with only 40 points. Once again, the Cubists will be without Terrell Owens, who has the bye, along with Donnie Edwards. Moore has named a double-Bell Driver O-flex and has promoted Reggie Bush to starting RB. He noted, �I will leave a ticket at will call for Domanick Davis to watch the man who should have been the Cubists third keeper last year.� Davis is reported to be in the Bahamas, enjoying the fruits of his guaranteed contract. Generally, the week the Raiders are on the bye is a killer for Owner Chad Nuss and his Coroners. This year, it may actually benefit the team. Vernon Davis and David Akers have been placed in the lineup along with Brian Dawkins and Darrell Jackson. The Cubists have worked a 9-5 advantage, but the Coroners swept the series in 2005, including that Week Seventeen win.
----------------Winding Wheel Press---------------------