Brentful Brents 103 Bull City Baers 61 What can be said about the 2006 Brentful Brents that hasn’t already been said numerous times? What adjective can we add to great, dominant, super, excellent, Brentastic, and possibly best ever? While we’ll leave the best ever discussion to the historians (oh, what a debate that will be), but for now Owner Steve Johnson can bask in the glow of his mighty season, even if the last game was tinged with a bit of Pete Rose controversy. That controversy was brought to light after shrewd media members noticed that Baers Owner Randy Chambers picked the Brents to win the game (not such an unusual occurrence – for an owner to pick the other team) and started QB Drew Brees (15/254) who was not slated to play much. Chambers even said, “'twas brainless to put Brees in the lineup.” Not exactly a coverup, but then again it was Week Seventeen where even the unimaginable is possible. Brees scored just one point in limited action and his laissez faire demeanor at the most important spot on the offense transferred to the other starting Baers who refused to score any TD’s. Frank Gore (15/160), Chambers’ nominee for Sneaky Pete Most Surprising Player Award, led the team with 12 points and Terrence McGee (14/130) and Julian Peterson (9/70), who grew mustaches to look like either Rollie Fingers or Magnum PI, each scored in double digits. Meanwhile, the Brents had the offensive attack working from both land and air. QB Carson Palmer (11/151) led the aerial assault with 20 points, his sixth all pro game, and connected on two TD’s to Steve Smith (13/129), who had 18 points for his third all pro performance. Rookie RB Laurence Maroney (11/94) scored a TD and set his owner off on a touting jag that no one else came close to (surely costing his team some votes with his over-enthusiasm), “Rookie of the year? Take your pick! Marques Colston (11/91) came out of nowhere and put up pro-bowl numbers. (Didn't anyone notice I was using a WR as a TE this year? Brilliant!) Addai (12/101) went over 1000 yards even with a time share, and is taking over for Edge without missing a beat. Maroney will be a star in his own right, scoring 7 times even with that old man stealing goal line carries. If Colston isn't rookie of the year, he is definitely most surprising. He was almost Mr. Irrelevant and now is a star. On D, I have 4 Pro-Bowlers to pick from. Adrian Wilson (15/131) puts up numbers it in every defensive category and has been a top D player for years. Ronde Barber always gets the tackles and you know he will take a few to the house sometime during the year. Aaron Kampman (3/19) went nuts with the sacks this year [although not for the Brents]. And Lance Briggs (14/124) is the best [complementary] LB in Chicago.” Whew! The one guy he left out in all of his ranting was this week’s gameball earner from both squads, Steven Jackson (16/231), who scored 34 points and finally broke out of the shadow of potential MVP award nominee, LaDainian Tomlinson (16/233), who scored just four points. LT was honored nevertheless as Johnson made a rambling 45 minute speech, inducting Tomlinson into as the “Uber stud of the league. We will add him to the ring of honor, retire his number, and no one will be able to use the letters L or T from now on.” No one in the Brent organization at least, including Bren Farf, a leading candidate for Pussier status once again. After the game, things turned ugly in the Baer lockerroom as WR’s Torry Holt and Hines Ward, who each thought they should be the featured receiver, got into a brawl that was reminiscent of “Malice in the Palace.” Chambers finally broke the fracas up by reminding the two players that they were Baers first and foremost and if they wanted to stay in Bull City they had better comport themselves as such. No word on whether Chambers will factor the wild melee in his keeper consideration, even though the fighters did $30 of damage by destroying one of the many life-sized Randy Chambers posters that are pinned up all over the Baer locker room. If the fight weren’t humiliating enough, reporters told Chambers that the Baers were blown out in consecutive weeks for the first time in the team’s history and only the Cubists have never been blown out twice in a row. Across the way, Johnson was handing out non-alcoholic champagne to his players, spraying everyone who came near, and shouting, “Who cares! We scored 100+, went 14-3 and 12 straight wins. What's there to bitch about?” Johnson became even more giddy when told that his team had smashed various records, including 38 all pro games, 114 TD’s, 693 keeper points, eight blowout wins without a loss (equaling the record of eight blowout wins set by the 1998 Cubists (the only other team to win 12 in a row and finish 14-3) and the 2004 Baers, ten 100+ games (equaling the 2003 Busters), and the highest scoring team in Modano history (108.53 ppg, topping the 2004 Biers who scored 100.94 ppg). All of those numbers made Johnson swoon, but hopefully he will be awake in time to make his tough third keeper choice before the deadline.
The Golden Horde 98 P-Miss Envy 44 From the penthouse down to the cellar. The Horde and Envy learned a great deal about one thing in 2006 – playing for pride. In the last three weeks, it had looked like Owner Perry Missner’s team had a little bit of pride, but one managerial decision by Missner made the win streak blow away like dust in the wind. Hoping to “embrace the other,” Missner signed up former-Packer, continual poopy pants McGee, Najeh Davenport (1/1) to see if he was missing anything. Envy fans around the country immediately castigated Missner as a lunatic who was ruining the franchise by bringing in deviant elements. Things started off poorly as during the contract signing on Missner’s lawn, Davenport dropped trou and crapped all over the brown grass. He used some blown away newspaper to wipe and didn’t bother to wash his hands before shaking hands with his new owner. Davenport stinkily made his way into the team lockerroom and problems ensued. Missner noted, “I don’t know whether to condemn or praise Ron Dayne (4/34). If he is just a wuss, then I hate him. If he was taking a political stand for being in the same backfield as the crapper, then I understand. I did hear that he and Najeh got into fisticuffs before the game, so I am lukewarm on Dayne who will probably never be back on my team.” Owner Charlie Mitchell, who happened to be wandering by the Envy lockerroom compared the fight to “Pedro/Zimmer - Varitek's glove vs. A-Rod's face.” Meanwhile, Davenport’s fellow Hurricane alumnae – including Sean Taylor (7/46), Ray Lewis (15/123), and Willis McGahee (14/199) all came to the Crapper’s rescue in a scene of “The helmet swinging Hurricanes that did my team proud this year.” Only Edgerrin James (16/106) stayed out of the fight because he was concentrating on playing football. James scored the only Envy TD and received the gameball as Missner said, “No one really deserves one, but Edgerrin James did score a TD and ended up with more than 100 points, so I’ll throw him a bone.” Sadly, the fight marred what was supposed to be a day of honor. Missner said, “We were all set to roll out the red carpet for Steve “Pear” McNair (6/64), but he was pressed into service because of Leinart’s sprained shoulder. So we cancelled McNair day and flew in Brad Radke, who was honored, roasted, toasted, and feted by all member of celebrity, sports star, and our emcee for the evening, Mr. Johan Santana. It was just a sorry thing we couldn’t put on a better show for the ultimate team guy.” Radke was able to see a few good players, who were on the Envy roster at one time or another. Larry “Bubbie” Johnson (17/244) scored three TD’s and 28 points for his seventh all pro day. Mitchell said Johnson was “gameball, team mvp, and keeper.” Shawn Merriman (12/141) was also honored “by naming him a keeper, and promising to relocate the franchise to the United States in 2007.” Merriman was also touted for win the Sweeney award “because he sat out four games and still managed to win three or four MMH games for me by himself.” Mitchell also touted “Justin Miller for Sneaky Pete - always predicted to get 0-1 points, he ended up starting for a long stretch and scored over 100 points,” most of which were collected on the bench. All in all, Missner noted, on his second 4-13 in Envy history, “I had noticed that my cellar dwelling team hadn’t had the lowest score in any one week all year – so they decided to do something about it. Our replacement guys did not come up with any surprises and the crapper debacle is all on me. Never again! Former Envy players Merriman and TO (14/149) looked pretty good.” He was realistic in his touting, “The only award any of our players should be in consideration for is the Pussier, which I imagine Farf will win anyway. Culpepper deserves major Pussier notification and Edge might get a few votes. Former-Envy Shawn Merriman should be at the top of everyone’s Sweeney ballot and despite all the problems he caused Terrell Owens was the top scoring wideout.” Along with Merriman, both owners agreed that Tom Selleck or Magnum was the man with the mustache.
San Francisco Cubists 83 Syracuse 44’s 81 Leave it to Owner John Stoer to make a meaningless Week Seventeen game into a intense on-the-field performance from two of the league original teams. Leave it to Owner Jason Moore to ignore the intensity, field the same lineup for a month, and leave the stadium without commenting on the win. Leave it to the media to sensationalize these differences and talk about other things when both teams were scoring TD’s seemingly at will. Stoer readily admitted that he was playing to the presses at time. For example, his return of “Tony "The Scheffmeister" Scheffler (2/16)” was due to “Media pressure which forced me to bring him back. And now he is my new favorite player.” Scheffler came through with his second TD in as many weeks, but the jury is still out on whether he will be a Wesley Walls, who everybody hates, or Jay Riemersma, who everybody loves. One guy who likes the Scheffmeister is QB Jay Cutler (3/32) who threw his only TD to the burly TE from Western Michigan and scored 10 points. Sleeper play Vincent Jackson (1/7) also nabbed a TD and he was mirrored by Marvin Harrison (15/128), who ended his season with a stylish 10 points. The running game was also in evidence as Ladell Betts (6/71) opened the scoring on Saturday with 12 and Shawn Alexander (9/87) finished the 44 scoring with nine. Stoer was still not too happy with Alexander or himself as he touted thusly, “In true 44 fashion, I think I traded this year's most surprising player- Frank Gore- for this year's most disappointing player- Shaun Alexander. Randy ought to vote me Owner of the Year every year for what I do for him. Otherwise, the rest of my roster was irrelevant for post-season awards.” The Cubists were pretty unstoppable themselves. QB Tom “the Ponce” Brady (16/213) completed his first season with the Cubists with 13 points and his TE Alge Crumpler (16/95) on a beautiful TD strike. Too bad he refused to look at Daniel Graham. For the fourth time this season, the Cubist O-Flex went proflexa with Reggie Bush (13/116), Donald Driver (14/122), and Larry Fitzgerald (12/91) each scoring a TD and combining for 22 points. The Cubist D-flex also had a solid day with 28 points, led by Donnie Edwards (15/98) ten points. In the end, Stoer blamed the media for the loss: “My desire to suck up to the media cost me a victory this week. In a two point loss, Mark Anderson's (1/1) disastrous 1 point was exactly 3 less than A. Thomas' 4 points. Anderson sucked, but it was my crappy decision.” Word is that after the game Stoer got in Anderson’s face and the two had a fight that was eerily close to “This past seasons FIU-"The U" fight will stick in my head for a long time. The fight itself was ridiculous, but the post-fight preening and chest-beating was downright embarrassing. And Brandon Merriweather- the "U" safety seen stomping on heads- is still projected as a late 1st round pick. I'm sure he'll make a fine addition to the Envy next season.” Ever the party planner, Stoer said he planned to honor “LT for the having the finest fantasy season from a RB that I can recall and I'd like to honor him by buying him his own stretch limo in which I'd be happy to drive him to his cover shoot for Madden '07.” That’s very nice. Also very nice is Stoer’s off season plan to grow a handlebar mustache to be more like “Rollie Fingers was the first person to pop in my head so it must be ol' Rollie.”
County Coroners 108 Peaks Island Wookies 83 You have to give Owner Will Mitchell credit for persistence. Despite weekly demands from his QB to be traded to a place where Bears received equal treatment and did not have to use “Bear” bathrooms and eat at “Bear” restaurants, Mitchell steadfastly refused to trade Rex Grossman (8/24) to a better place. At times, Grossman would play well just so Mitchell would be able to trade him for something useful, but there were other games – and we are looking at Week Seventeen in particularly – in which it was obvious that the young QB was disturbed by his owner’s leering looks and pelvic gesticulations. Grossman had the second worst performance in Modano history (to his own -14 Week Six game) with -11, missing easy throws that even Mike Tomczak could make. Grossman declared after the game that he just didn’t have Wookie blood in him and he was retiring from football so that he could learn mystical Indian healing arts “and smoke myself loopy.” It was a shame that Grossman did not have his head in the game because the other Wookies were ready to win and get into double digits in the win column. RB Corey Dillon (14/109) and WR Roy Williams (15/113) each had 19 point days. Williams, Grossman’s roommate from Envy training camp, seemed to catch on the Wookie system in the last two weeks after languishing for a month. Champ Bailey (7/69) had another 19 points for the D-flex and scored the first Wookie defensive TD of the season. On Grossman’s side were Plaxico Burress (12/96) and Julius Peppers (14/99) who scored a point between them with 100 point years in reach. The team could have used Peppers out there because he may have been able to check Tiki Barber (16/162) who ran like crazy in his final Modano appearance. Commonly known in the Coroner locker room as Tickles, Barber opened the scoring on Saturday with a league high 34 points, putting the Wookies in a big hole. The surprising and fast Willie Parker (15/172) continued the attack on the vacated Peppers location by scoring another two TD’s for 17 points, his seventh all pro game. Even the inconsistent Marc Bulger (11/168) got in on the act with 14 points. Vernon Davis (4/14) scored just one point and Cadillac Williams (16/54) proved the sophomore slump is no joke. With Parker, Williams, and Barber as keepers, Owner Chad Nuss was given 47 games (the most from keepers) and 389 points (second most). As the team left the field, sporting a league best 7-2 record in Week 17’s, they hoisted Barber and Nuss on their shoulders. Fans jumped on to the field and everyone began singing the dirge-like Coroner theme song which consists of long sustained notes and screams of “Coroners!”
The Ballbusters 93 Weaselicious Cookies 76 After Week Four, Owner Dan Weitz asked, “Can we end the season now?” If only it could have been true. The undefeated Cookies were riding an MVP type performance by Donovan McNabb and their newly installed running attack looked unstoppable. By the time Week Seventeen finished, the Cookies had won just three more times in the following 13 weeks, McNabb was broken, and running attack consisted of one many – future Cookie keeper Maurice Jones-Drew (5/99). The bowling ball like running back took the league by storm in the last month, scoring four all pro games in five weeks and being generally untackleable. Why even Buster DL Kyle Vanden Bosch (1/10) couldn’t tackle him. Luckily, the Busters did not have to worry about Deuce McAllister (11/87), who tapped his helmet early in the game and refused to come back in, and Andre Johnson (16/105), who scored just eight points in the last five weeks of the season. The Cookies did get TD’s from DeShaun Foster (11/66), Michael Vick (8/59), and Marion Barber (6/60), but they could not compete at the Busters level. The one guy who keeps the Busters at that level is Peyton Manning (16/321). Yes, it’s annoying that the guy will shill any crappy product out there, but he can clearly play the game of football. You need evidence? Well, look at his 27 point performance and ninth all pro game – the most for QB’s this season. He had two passing TD’s and another on an eleven yard scamper to pay dirt. Because of the gameball earning Manning, the Busters had the highest keeper average – 15.82 ppg. Also because of Manning the Busters had the highest QB slot average (19.42 ppg) as well as tight end (6.82), (although Joseph said “this is Tony Gonzalez’s last year on the Busters”) and kicker (8.29 ppg tied with the 44’s). Manning even had time to make a commercial for Mastercard while in the endzone, as he yelled out, “Priceless!” One of Manning’s TD tosses went to Santana Moss (10/64) who scored 10 points. Joseph decided to honor, “Roger Clemens.....he will set the tone for all pitchers over the age of 40 to start their seasons after the cold months!” Chester Taylor (12/97) also scored his first TD in a Buster uniform and had seven points. Taylor’s fighting effort reminded Joseph of “When Ali challenged Frazier at Madison Square Garden on March 8, 1971, the ramifications reached far beyond the boxing ring. The SHOWDOWN was the most anticipated heavyweight title fight since Joe Louis defeated Max Schmeling in their 1938 rematch at Yankee Stadium. It remains a night to remember.” The win propelled the Busters past the Baers into second place and a late draft pick. As for the Cookies, they ended the season by losing their last four. They did have 24 all pro games – second most in the league, but their lack of defensive scoring (19.41 ppg – worst in the league) eventually did the Weitz family in. Perhaps next year, defensive specialist Amber Weitz will have time to take over the defensive reins and help the Cookies to their second winning season ever. The interesting battle will be between the Cookies, who have 97 franchise losses, and the Baers, who have 98 franchise wins – who will get to 100 first.
Year End Voting Instructions – The polls are now open. The scoring for the Sweeney, Pussier, Sneaky Pete and Weinrich voting will be on a 5-3-1 basis. The scoring for the La-la-la-lafontaine voting will be 10-5-3-2-1. Please comment as much as you would like on each awards and your voice shall be heard.
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