Brentful Brents 96 San Francisco Cubists 90 Last week everyone was asking, what do you get for the person who has everything. This week no one wants to buy anything for anyone. Anyway, Owner Steve Johnson already has his first Modano championship in his pocket, now he wants to be known as the supreme commander of the universe. No? Perhaps not, but the schedule maker gave Johnson the opportunity to meet former champions in the last two weeks. First up was Owner Jason Moore (the champion in 1998, 2000, 2001, and 2004) and his San Francisco Cubists, who were hoping to stay above .500. The Cubists also had another record that the Brents were taking aim at – a winning streak of 12 games (from 1998 – the Cubists also had a 15 game winning streak that spanned from 1999-2000). The Cubists also hold the best record in Modano history at 14-3 in 1998 – one more thing for Johnson to shoot for. With the clock winding down on the 2006 season perhaps you should know that a “ticking clock” is something that soothes Johnson. Cubist WR Donald Driver (13/115) gave six points to the team that did not have a Packer Backer as its owner and the Cubists were off. On Sunday, Tom Brady (15/200) had his eighth all-pro game with 16 points. Brady shares the lead in all-pro performances for a QB with Peyton Manning and Drew Brees. Brady hit Larry Fitzgerald (11/83) on a hitch and go for a TD and handed off to Reggie Bush (12/109) for another. Bush had his third all-pro game of the season with 15 points and was matched by D-Flex member Derrick Brooks, who had the Cubists’ first defensive TD of the season. Moore was confounded for yet another week my Denver coach Mike Shanahan, who wouldn’t let Tatum Bell (12/57) do much, while Mike Bell (10 bench points) got into the endzone. Further bamboozling Moore was WR Chad Johnson (15/121) who lost a point for the Cubists , the third consecutive week in which someone has provided negative points for the team. Johnson tabbed QB Eli Manning (5/60) as his QB for the first time since Week Nine. Johnson said, “QBs [were poor]. Maybe I should explain that TDs are better then INTs.” Backup QB Brent Farf seemed confused by this concept. Johnson then nominated Blink 182 as the Rock’n’Roll hall of fame’s initial wuss rock group, while Smashmouth qualified as Wiener Rock. Manning showed rust with just five points, but he did hit Lee Evans (5/31) and Marques Colston (10/91) for TD’s. RB Steven Jackson (15/197) blew holes the staunch Cubist defense with 26 points and two TD’s to lead the team. Johnson said, “RBs [get the gameball]. LT doesn't score but everyone steps up to keep us winning. Even Maroney on the bench comes thru.” The aforementioned LaDainian Tomlinson (15/329) was held out of the endzone and had his all-pro streak snapped at 10. Johnson was surprised by that, but not as surprised as “I thought Pitt would be better, and thought GB would be a lot worse.” Yeah, beating the Vikings and Lions is very tough. On Monday, the Brents held a 15 point lead with Reggie Brown (6/29) going against Zach Thomas (15/123). Thomas won the battle 10-1, but the Brents won the war. Johnson screamed in Moore’s face, “What a team! My QB sucks and my marque player doesn't score, but we almost score a hundred points anyway.”
Peaks Island Wookies 110 Bull City Baers 71 September baseball usually features a team or two that is 35-40 games out of first place. The players are getting paid, the games are getting played, and all the right things are being said – but you can tell, they are just playing out the string. As soon as the Bull City Baers were eliminated last week, it was as if the team started listening to King of Wuss Rock, Yanni (something Owner Dan Weitz knows all too much about) and had lost their passion, much like Jethro Tull, whose touring for 30 years has netted them a Weiner Rock nomination. Last week, the Baers put up a pathetic effort to lose to the P-Miss Envy, but Owner Randy Chambers said that he still valued a second place finish. Sadly, his team does not look like it shares Chambers’ values which include finding peace in “The sound of a pass bouncing off T.O.'s chest.” He is injured, you know. Things started ok for the Baers as QB Drew Brees (14/253) hit TE Chris Cooley (15/77) for a TD and the two combined for 21 points. Unfortunately for the Baers, Brees looking cross-teams for Cooley meant that he ignored Devery Henderson (2/0) as well as Braylon Edwards (4/25), both of whom scored zero for the disappointing “Aw-flex.” The Baer O-flex is scoring a league low 12.25 ppg (for comparison, the ninth best team, the Busters, score 17.75 ppg from the O-flex) Chambers said he was also disappointed by “My Super Bowl champion pick from Carolina,” even though he did nail the resurgence in New Orleans. You are now halfway through the second recap and you may be wondering if the Baers had an opponent. As it happens, they did – the Peaks Island Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell had given his team a week long tongue lashing after their Week Fifteen loss to the Cubists and whatever he said must have sunk in. Despite not having an all-pro performance, the team had consistency up and down the lineup with six players scoring a TD apiece and all three defensive flex members hitting double digits. QB Rex Grossman (7/35) of the “surprising 13-2 Bears” led the offense with 12 points and the O-flex went proflexa behind a combined 32 points from Plaxico Burress (11/95), Jamal Lewis (12/102), and Rudi Johnson (15/147). The D-flex was led by a pair of lucky 13’s from Champ Bailey (6/50) and Lofa Tatupu (15/110). Even WR Roy Williams (14/94), a relative bust since coming to the Wookies, scored a TD and 11 points. Mitchell shouted, “Wahoo!” and then was silent. He then waxed poetical on gameball earning, “Tom Brady. Takes a bone crushing hit then comes back 2 plays later and throws a dart for a long first down. Leads the Pats to a hard fought victory and another division championship. He rocks. Oh, and on the Wookies, I’ll give on to Rex for Perry’s sake – he didn’t screw me over this week.” The bright side for the Baers was that Frank Gore (14/148) had his fifth all-pro game with 17 points and was given a gameball by Chambers, who said, “If only his brother, Al Gore, had been this good in November-December 2000, the world might be at peace.” As it turns out, Frank and Al Gore are unrelated. The Baers had one last chance for redemption on Monday night as WR Donte’ Stallworth (9/38) needed 44 points for the win – he scored a tenth of that. A bitterly disappointed Chambers said, “To say we played like girls would be an insult to my two daughters.” Not to mention women around the world. NOW was thinking of suing Chambers for the statement before agreeing to settle out of court. Mitchell retorted, “The whole team came to play this week and put up a solid 110. It’s a statement game that we wont fade completely away, just out of contention late in the season like every year, but still scrappy.”
P-Miss Envy 91 County Coroners 82 You have to give Owner Perry Missner credit: He never gives up. Assailed by one of the worst fantasy seasons on record, the Envy could have just thrown in the towel and settled for their first pick of the draft, but Missner believed that the Envy fans deserved better than that, so he pushed and cajoled his team to do better – and they have. He even pulled a plot in Week Sixteen that never works – he played a Raider against Owner Chad Nuss, who had two Raiders of his going. Nuss’s Raiders – RB Justin Fargas (4/20) and Kirk Morrison (9/74) – actually outscored the one Envy Raider, WR Ronald Curry (1/7), but Curry’s play seemed to break the Coroner spirit. Nuss had to pause to know who to root for and that slight indecision gave the Envy D-flex enough time to corral the Coroner running attack. The one guy that the Envy had no solution for was Coroner QB Marc Bulger (10/154) who was able to throw any pass he wanted in scoring a season high 37 points. Sadly, Nuss left him without receivers on Sunday (although TE Vernon Davis (3/13) had a tidy six point sum) and the Coroner offensive line offered no push to the runners. Willie Parker (14/155) was stymied for -1 and Cadillac Williams (15/54) did not score. Missner compared Parker to They Might Be Giants are the kings of Weiner Rock, while late period Def Leppard lost more than an arm – they lost their ability to rock, making them wuss rockers.” Missner was also surprised by the Coroner lack of running as he was by “The Titans with the Bills in second. Neither team seemed competitive at the beginning of the season but Vince Young is a gamer and the Bills defense is for real.” The Envy passing attack looked fine early, but once Matt Leinart (4/29) sprained his shoulder he had trouble shot putting the ball past three yards. Leinart, ever the gamer, stayed in and handed off to the surprisingly potent Envy O-flex. Missner gave the gameball to “The fat piece of [junk] Ron Dayne, who apparently needs negative reinforcement to play well and did adequately. Frankly, we’ve been expecting this from the round mound of found fudgsicles for years. He has one more week to prove to me that he is something more than waiver filler.” Willis McGahee (13/100) broke triple digits on the season with 13 points and even Edgerrin James (15/96) had seven points without a TD (again). K Robbie Gould (13/119) led the special teams with 14 – a total equaled by the Envy D-flex. Missner seemed calm throughout the game because he had “the sounds of geese honking high in the sky” piped into his headphones rather than complicated plays and analysis from the booth. If there was one disappointment for Missner, it was “[Jeremy] Shockey (15/67), dude, you have to catch the ball and run forward, not backwards.” All in all, the Envy have now won three straight – their longest winning streak since 2002 when they won four in a row and are now 7-2 in Week Sixteens. Missner said, “We are the 2005 Miami Dolphins – winning after being eliminated to fool people into thinking we have a chance next year. Of course, we do have a chance next year, but we are going to need some breaks and some better drafting. Bulger was an ogre, but we used a mirrored running attack which became a necessity after Leinart hurt his arm and had to hand off on every play. Curry was just the spice we needed to throw Chad off.”
Syracuse 44’s 111 Weaselicious Cookies 71 If you want to see Owner John Stoer go berserk, tell him you don’t mind the band Coldplay. He hates them. He hates them even more than he hates the Moody Blues – and he hates the Moody Blues. In fact, if you asked Stoer which he hated more Coldplay or Brian Mitchell, he would say Coldplay without hesitation and we all know how he feels about Brian Mitchell. Perhaps the better question is why hate Coldplay so much. They seem relatively harmless and easy to block out – something Stoer seems unable to do. If you ask him, he’ll tell you they are just a weak ass rip off of most Billy Joel. At best, they are Air Supply without the cheesiness. Stoer would much rather listen to “Oddly is the key and it's the quiet of my dog after she has finished barking at the door. A very nice momentary quiet.” Then he’ll start hopping around like a monkey and making nonsensical assertions about the pedigrees of the various band members – like the piano playing guy or the drummer with one arm. In any case, Stoer had his team stoked with hatred for Coldplay and similar sounding Cookies in Week Sixteen. Clearly, the 44’s respond to hatred better than they do encouraging pats on the fanny and supporting coos of praise. Relatively untested QB Jay Cutler (2/22) was a model of efficiency for the 44 offense and was as surprising as “The Lions. 2 wins? I know they have no history of winning, but 2 wins?” It seemed like Cutler knew who Stoer wanted him to throw the ball to (TONY SCHEFFLER!, bellowed Stoer) and everyone profited. F$#^&#g TONY SCHEFFLER!!! (1/7) caught a TD toss and 44 favorite Marvin Harrison (14/118) snagged two more TD grabs for 19 points, his league leading fourth WR all pro game. Meanwhile, Stoer said he was disappointed by “Tony Romo and Kellen Winslow for two late season trades who sat on my late season bench.” The ground attack also was chewing up yards and Cookie defenders as Ladell Betts (5/59) and Shaun Alexander (8/78) each scored two TD’s and combined 40 points. It was Alexander’s first all pro game of the season after having ten last year and Alexander became the seventh different RB to have an all-pro game for the 44’s. Stoer gave the gameball to “So many choices, I'll go with Alexander for the first of hopefully many future times as a 44.” LB DeMarco Ryans (8/52) was spying on Cookie QB Michael Vick (7/50). Vick was unable to do much, scoring a -1 and setting passing offense back approximately 250 years. DB Antonio Winfield (12/80) did score an all-pro game for the league’s worst D-flex (19.56 ppg) on Thursday with 15 points against the dreaded Packers, but the Cookie offense looked stuck in second gear. Maurice Jones-Drew (4/84) had his third all-pro game in four appearances and looks set to be a Cookie-for-life. Deuce McAllister (10/87) scored the third and final Cookie TD, but Owner Dan Weitz’s team was never really in the game. Even with little Warrick Dunn (10/68) scoring just one point, Stoer could not dismiss the win. In fact, the 44’s clinched their first non-losing season since 2002 when they won ten games and equaled the team record with its sixth 100+ point performance. Stoer summed everything up by saying, “I wish I had this week against Steve, but Dan is no Steve and so this was sort of hollow. Can we end the season today?”
The Ballbusters 72 The Golden Horde 60 Despite both being Patriots fans, Owners Charlie Mitchell and Rich Joseph just can’t agree on much. Ask them a question, any questions, and they will invariably come up with opposite answers. For example, Mitchell’s favorite color is black, and Joseph’s is, of course, cream (although it’s an off white, really, if you want to be technical about it. Wuss rock nominee? Joseph says Steve Perry of Journey and Mitchell says the exact opposite, Bread. Wiener rock nominee? Joseph says Bob Dylan, whose voice he can not stand, and Mitchell says Rush. Another example is that Mitchell prefers corn tortillas and Joseph likes flour tortillas more. Joseph was surprised by the Steelers’ lack of success and Mitchell was surprised by the Jets’ wealth of success. Even the sounds that they find soothing are the exact opposite: Mitchell feels relaxed by the sound of hair clipping, a noise that annoys Joseph to no end (somewhat like Dylan’s voice – except on Lay Lady Lay, which isn’t so bad), while Joseph finds the sound of his wife snoring to be soothing (and we won’t say what Mitchell thinks about that sound). Yes, they are opposites and it showed in their teams’ performance, both of which turned out to be similarly not so good. Joseph prefers to let his QB Peyton Manning (15/294) call his own plays. The two have been together for four years, so Manning knows most of the plays better than Joseph anyway. Manning led the Busters with 24 points on three TD’s and leads all QB’s in scoring. Manning’s one caught TD wnet to T.J. Houshmandzadeh (10/77) who scored a pleasant 12 points. Manning was given the gameball. Santana Moss (9/52) got off the bench for the first time since Week Twelve and only scored a point, causing Joseph to roar, “you suck!” LB Gabby Hayes (8/49) also did not score. Mitchell had his Horde relying on the running attack of Larry “Bubbie” Johnson (16/216), who scored his seventh all-pro game with 15 points. He also had a lot of confusing end arounds on which Javon Walker (11/68) and Terrell Owens (13/136) scored. It may surprise you that Owens is now the league’s leading WR scorer. Mitchell gave his gameball to Shawne Merriman 11/131), noting he “slices, dices AND juices.” The aforementioned end arounds were a must because QB Matt Hasselbeck (11/129) had one of his “bad weeks.” Hasselbeck, who by all rights should still be holding a piece of laminated cardboard with a small metal clamp on it, had zero points and Mitchell commented, “Hasselbeck and [Dominic] Rhodes (7/34) would make an excellent 70s band.” Joseph, whose team clinched their first winning season since 2003 – their co-championship season – and swept the season series with the Horde, said, “finally the misery stops.....1 keeper...ugh!”
Week Seventeen previews - Many fantasy football pundits will tell you that Week Seventeen is irrelevant and should not be played. Those pundits have never played at the top level of their sport: the Modano Mi Hermano league. In this league, every week counts, even if it is wacky. There is nothing wrong with wackiness. While it would have been nice to have been important, the week still has a number of interesting games. For example, the Brentful Brents take on the Bull City Baers. Owner Randy Chambers’ team has not lost three in a row since 2001 (and they have never lost four in a row). He won’t get a shot at his 100th victory in 2006 (ensuring he’ll be back for 2007), but he did say, “Two major downers. First, only five weeks of football left. Second, we have to derail the Brentful run just to place. Crap.” Torry Holt makes his return and wants to show that he can play with Hines Ward. Julian Peterson is also back in the D-flex for Bart Scott. In Week Eight, the Brents squashed the Baers 133-85 behind all-pro games from Carson Palmer, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Marques Colston. All three are back in the lineup as are WR Steve Smith, RB Laurence Maroney, and DL Aaron Kampman (who will score zero). Owner Steve Johnson, whose team trails in the series 6-8, said, “Another win will keep me on track for a 29 game win streak.” At the other end of the league, we have a meeting of the league’s two worst teams: the Envy and The Golden Horde. Owner Perry Missner’s team has caught fire after being mathematically eliminated. He had the misfortune of running into Larry Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Justin Miller in Week Eight as the Horde took the victory. In a very surprising development, Missner picked up Najeh Davenport, a former Packer, for his Week Seventeen lineup. In explanation, he said, “Although Charlie has no current Packers on his side, I hate the clipboard holder and Longshanks. Nevertheless, I am embracing the unknown by singing up a former-Packer of my own – the Crapper. Perhaps it has been too many moral clauses that have been holding my team back and I have relax things a bit if players have the right pedigree like Najeh does. He is going to knock the crap out of that traitor Merriman.” Davenport then took a crap on Missner’s lawn. No lineup changes at this time for the Horde. Owner John Stoer hopes to send his fellow Sidwell Friend, Owner Jason Moore, to his second losing season on record. Stoer noted, “Sadly the Cubists, along with others, have dropped into the realm where 5 minutes out of an entire week worth of time is too much to dedicate to Modano. Hopefully we can take advantage of the ex-champ and move into 2nd place for the season.” LB Kamerion Wimbley makes his debut for the 44’s and RB DeAngelo Williams gets another shot. The Cubists won 82-58 in Week Eight behind four Tom Brady TD’s and hold a 10-4 series lead. The Cookies and Busters meet in an always entertaining matchup. Owner Rich Joseph showed he had a lot of class by wishing, “Good luck Bears.....until you meet the Patriots!” Peyton and the A-hole did a number on the Cookies in Week Eight, resulting in a 103-90 win and 4-3 series edge for the Busters. Finally, the Wookies and Coroners play. This game used to be about the Tuck Rule, but the statute of limitations on whining about one play has run out. Rex Grossman guided the Wookies to a 80-64 win in Week Eight and the Wookies lead the series 9-6. Here’s hoping there is a brawl or at least some fisticuffs in this one.
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