Brentful Brents 84 Weaselicious Cookies 77 It was the biggest week in Owner Steve Johnson�s fantasy career, and something was just not right. His team had been rolling along, winning nine straight games, but there was a voice in his ear that was annoying. Johnson thought he knew the voice, �Who else could it be other than Gumbel?� but it was even more annoying than Barney Gumbel. Finally, Johnson figured it out, it was the call of the Farf. For much of the season, QB Brent Farf (2/6) had been chained to the Brent bench, not simply waiting for his opportunity, but sabotaging the other Brent quarterbacks in a sad display of �There is no Brent in team.� The voice, generally singing awful country tunes, did not die down until Johnson gave in and named Farf his starting QB for Week Fifteen. Of course, the media (who Farf has never been particularly nice to) went berserk. They wanted to know what Johnson had been drinking (orange juice), whether Farf had peppered that drink with date rape drug (no, he had not), and whether Farf had staged a junta and had taken over control of the team (possibly). All in all, Johnson said it had to do with matchups and that he could not overlook the Packers playing the toothless Lions at home. The result? Not pretty as even the toothless Lions had more bite than the should-be-retired-by-now QB, who continually threw into triple and quadruple coverage � something that not even Rex Grossman would do. With a competent QB at the helm, the Brents would have rolled, but Farf had given the date rape drug to both Carson Palmer and Eli Manning, and they had to settle for five points combined from the bench. Johnson quipped, �All my QBs played poorly and were sponsored by Gateway. Who would have thought that 280 yrds and 2 picks was going to be the best of the week?� Fortunately, Farf had snuck into Cookie camp and put several vials of date rape drug into Owner Dan Weitz�s bug juice, causing the absent owner to bench Michael Vick (34 uncounted points) and start David Gerrard (2/23). Gerrard ended up with three points, but he did toss a TD strike to Matt Jones (3/10), who ended up doubling his QB. Gerrard was also successful handing off, giving the ball to Marion Barber (4/52) and Maurice Jones Drew (3/62), who each had their second all-pro day and combined for 34 points. Deuce McAllister (9/74) also scored a TD and caused the Cookies to go proflexa. Things looked dire for the Brents, but they had two slaps left in their open hand. The first came from Steven Jackson (14/171) who ran over the Raiders for 20, closing the gap. Sunday night it was LaDainian Tomlinson (14/321) who once again dominated in perhaps the greatest season the Modano league has ever seen from a running back. Tomlinson scored another two TD�s and 25 points, his eighth straight game of 23 points or more and his 11th all-pro game this season. On Monday, Johnson had the same devil-may-care look when he kept Joseph Addai (10/93) in the lineup as he did when he pronounced his prospective Final Four teams: �NC, Butler, Wisconsin, and Arkansas.� Despite holding a three point lead (an Addai fumble�s worth), Addai came through, scoring four points and giving the Brents their first victory of the season by less than 10 points and a Cookie sweep. The current ten game winning streak is the second longest in Modano history (during one season � the Cubists won 12 in a row in 1998) and a clearly inebriated Johnson slurred, �Finally! The great prize is mine at last. I have a great team this year and luck was with me as the injuries started only late in the year and didn't hit my marque players. Lets now look to repeat baby!� He then gave his gameball to fellow Owner Perry Missner, for�
San P-Miss Envy 77 Bull City Baers (sp?) 57 To keep pace with the Brents and to not have the last two weeks of the Modano season be a quiet denouement, the Bull City Baers would have to extend their winning streak to seven games. The opponent was the basement dwelling P-Miss Envy, who had just broken their second six game losing streak of the season in Week Fourteen. Was that Envy win just a fluke or was it the start of something great? Early on, it looked like Owner Randy Chambers had his boys ready to dominate and make Week Seventeen possibly very interesting. RB Frank Gore (13/131) spit at the Seattle winds and scored a TD for 17 points, his fourth all-pro game and third since joining the Baers. LB Julian Peterson (8/60) added seven more to complete the early 24 point edge. Earlier in the season, the Envy would have looked at a double digit deficit and run for the hills, but this is a new Envy era behind QB Matt Leinart (3/18). Statistically, it would be hard to say that Leinart�s two points were significant in the game, but it was the little things, the intangibles that the former Trojan QB brought to the Envy cause. When he noticed that the Baers were about to bring a big blitz, Leinart called the perfect draw play, getting both Ron Dayne (2/12) and Edgerrin James (14/89) into the endzone. Cedric �the Annointed One� Benson (7/47) was also working his A-game with a TD and nine points. Meanwhile, the Envy D-flex, which combined for 26 points, was confusing Baer QB Philip Rivers (2/11). Rivers, a former Envy draft pick, would have had the worst score of the week (-3, the Baers first negative of the season), if it weren�t for an inbred, hillbilly moron. Chambers said, �My entire f$#*ing team [was f$#*ing lousy], but particularly Philip Rivers.� It is becoming increasingly apparent that Baer WR Torry Holt (14/124) and Hines Ward (12/85) can�t be on the field at the same time. Both need to be in the limelight or else they get pouty and don�t score much. The Baer O-flex reverted to their previous stinkiness (after a surprisingly nice week in Week Fourteen) with a combined six points. Missner gave the gameball to K Robbie Gould (12/105), noting �One week after hooking a couple of field goals, Gould straightened things out, hit for ten points, and gave the Bears (not Baers) a win. That�s textbook gameball stuff.� He was not quite as happy with Bernard Berrian (5/29), who has scored just four points in three Envy appearances. Missner said, �I had a feeling I shouldn�t start Berrian, but I read Muhammed might not play and Chris Chambers had already packed his bags. Sorry Bernie, you were lousy.� Speaking of hard to listen to, Missner said, �I am going to stick with Troy �Yeah� Aikman (as the worst announcer), but I heard Tom Donohoe for a few games early in the season. That guy just spouts clich�s and nothing else. Poor.� Chambers was still annoyed by college football announcer, �Paul McGuire. Let me tell you something. This [insert name of second string chump who made a good play] is a real star.� Of course, when it comes to college basketball, �I am the expert, according to my by-line, so you can write these four teams in ink: Vanderbilt, American, UW-Milwaukee, and Tennessee-Martin! Just kidding, I�ll take Arizona, Ohio State, Wichita St., and North Carolina.� Chambers noted, �don't know who the other three will be, but Sauron and the Orks (UNC) will be there. Ugh.� In summary, Missner yelled to no one in particular, �The Baers looked like a team that did not take us seriously. Our record is dismal, but our spirit is alive. For that, no championship for you, Randy! Well, he didn�t really deserve one anyway. All hail, King Steve � Lord of Modano and Father of One!� Chambers echoed, �All Hail Steve J for breaking the Sidwell-Syracuse hold on the one ring. 110 points/week was just too much pressure, even for the Bull City gang. Scary factoid: Steve is leading in scoring by 333 points. LT2 has 321 points, so he might well still be in the lead, even if LT had not scored a point all year!� After the game, Missner said that he had already started scouting for 2007. With his first pick in the draft, he said he would take �Well, since Rex Grossman is the clear choice (unless Will, that unmentionable, keeps him), why debate it?� Other people chimed in, including Owner Steve Johnson, who said, �Whoever I decide not to keep,� Owner John Stoer, who agreed, �It's still an "if" the Envy pick 1st, but I was figuring out keepers and who might be available earlier this morning, and I think the top 3 picks next year will all be Bretts and so the choice will be between Addai/Maroney/S.Smith/Palmer- only one of whom Steve will keep. I guess Steve will keep a back, therefore Steve Smith returns to the land of Envy.� Owners Rich Joseph and Charlie Mitchell also offered, �Ted Housh....I don't want him!� and �Devin Hester.� Chambers said sensibly, �Jim McMahon.� Of course, everyone was ignoring the even more obvious than Grossman, the pick will be Ricky Williams.
The Ballbusters 108 Syracuse 44�s 76 Generally, Owners Rich Joseph and John Stoer are only interested in championships. The two boast many baseball and basketball titles between them (although just one shared football title), so seeing their game relegated to non- championship status, the two had to play for something and so they decided to play for the second best thing � pride. Stoer, the ultimate player tester, gave rookie Vince Young (1/2) his first Modano start in hopes that Young could repeat what he�d done from the bench. As the numbers after Young�s name indicate, it wasn�t so. Stoer may have hamstrung his own QB a bit by throwing Marty �What was Sto Smoking?� Booker (1/0) out there after no Modano experience this season. Booker was clearly rusty and Stoer may have been wiser to use a more experienced wideout (such as Marvin Harrison, who had 23 bench points). Knowing that little was coming from the QB, the 44 O-flex revved itself up and scored 39 points, led by gameball earning Brian "The Most Underrated Back in Fantasy Football" Westbrook (13/153), who had his fifth all-pro game of the season. Based on the nickname, we�d guess that Westbrook is going to be a 44 again next year, preserving a nice streak of Stoer keeping his beloved Eagles. Shaun Alexander (7/57) scored 10 points, but the next best player on the team was league-leading K Nate Kaeding (13/117), who scored nine points to keep a one point edge over Jeff Wilkins. Speaking of excellence, Stoer nominated these college teams as his Final Four (with scores!), �UNC, Ohio St, Tex A&M, Marquette(Dominic James Player of the Year). UNC-OSU classic final. UNC 79-77.� The Buster offense was doing nothing much on Sunday. Joseph was especially unhappy with �Ted Housh (9/65) ...so inconsistent� A recurrent nightmare for Joseph has �Phil Simms� saying Houshmandzadeh over and over again. Houshmandzadeh actually played on Monday, but the other Sunday guys were also poor with new runners Sammy Morris (1/4) and Chester Taylor (10/80) combining for six points. The saving grace of the Busters were the kicking and defensive-flex. K Adam Vinatieri (11/87) had ten points and the D-flex combined for 36, led by gameball winner Chris Hope (10/85), who scored the Busters� third defensive TD and was the fourth different defensive player to have an all-pro game for the team. Joseph said, �nice game.� The game turned into a route on Monday as Peyton Manning (14/270) asserted his authority and commandeered the game with 33 points, his first all-pro game since Week Nine. Stoer said he merely dislikes Manning, but �I loathe Joe Buck and his corporate vanilla Styrofoam cartoonishness.� It�s still funny to think about Buck having a heart attack when Randy Moss fake mooned the Packer crowd. Who will ever forget Buck shouting, �I think I�ve just gone blind from observing such a sin!� Oh yes! An unhappy Stoer waxed philosophically after the game, noting, �What can I say? You play 'em one at a time. This was a tough one. We gave it our all and left it all on the field. You win some, you lose some, sometimes it rains.� This just in as well, the better team won today.
The Golden Horde 79 County Coroners 68 Sometimes you can do the right thing and still you don�t get the right result. Take Owner Chad Nuss, for example. All season long he had stuck his team with blocking TE Courtney Anderson, thereby reducing his QB�s targets by one. Sure, Anderson did a nice job with the blocking, but that�s why you draft a nameless, faceless, numberless, nearly invisible offensive line. After many weeks of media pressure as well as big fat zeros from Anderson, Nuss finally did the right thing: he replaced Anderson. He still kept things in the Bay Area with rookie physical freak Vernon Davis (2/7) and he was rewarded with an early TD and seven points. One can�t blame Davis or Nuss, for that matter (even if he did play the pathetic A.J. Hawk (4/28), who had one stinking point) for the loss. You could blame someone for the play of Cadillac Williams (14/54), which has been lackluster all season long. Williams has been hampered by Chucky�s reliance on the passing game. The one thing that Nuss did not do a good job with was coming up with a good game plan to defend Horde WR Terrell Owens (12/129). That spitfire Owens got the Horde going on Saturday night by taking Matt Hasselbeck�s (10/129) one TD throw and somehow scoring twice. He is amazing! So amazed was Owner Charlie Mitchell that he did not give Owens the gameball, something that has Owens miffed enough that he said he may have to sit out a couple of games before he can feel up to playing football again. Mitchell chose to give the gameball to Leonard Little (6/47), noting �Bill Cosby was great in that movie.� Uh, no. That movie was not called Leonard Little, it was called Ghost Dad. Duh! Mitchell was also pleased by Javon Walker (10/59) who scored a TD, but was not so happy with Owen Daniels (3/6) whose one point contribution caused Mitchell to blurt, �Owen Daniels gets his one chance and he blew it.� With fine running performances from Tiki Barber (14/124) and Willie Parker (13/156), the Coroners forged a nice nine point lead on Sunday, but Mitchell wisely left two players on reserve for Monday. LB Cato June (9/63) and WR Reggie Wayne (14/131), the league�s leading wide receiver who snagged Manning�s fourth TD throw, combined for 20 points more than enough for the Horde�s fifth win of the season. After saying that the Redskins should fire Sonny Jergensen for clear bias in reporting, Mitchell said, �Big win allows us to lock up no worse than 11th and hold off the hard charging Envy.� He then came up with his Final Four, which was comprised of �UNC, Ohio St, Clemson and Florida,� of which one team is undefeated and that same team was the least likely to actually make it to the Final Four. Perhaps you can figure that mystery team out.
San Francisco Cubists 73 Peaks Island Wookies 67 [the following was heard spoken by Isiah Thomas as he paced the sideline at the end of yet another Knicks loss] Look, all am I saying is that it might not be the best time to go down the lane. Geeze, Carmelo, don�t you get it � don�t go close to the basket. I�ve got Mardy Collins in the game and you�re still playing? What in the name of Jesus are you trying to prove? I think George Karl is trying to show us up in front of all of our fans [who are heard booing vociferously in the background]. Now, it one thing to call me a Ponce (14/184 � 15 points for his seventh all-pro game), but I really think that trying to score in a game of basketball is uncalled for an unprofessional. There�s a code about these things. You want another code? How about if play Jeff Garcia (3/40), you are probably going to lose. That dude is white and white players just can�t cut it. I mean if Larry Bird had been black, he would have been nothing special. You know that. Look at my team � I have one white player, David Lee. He�s nothing special, so I am not going to play him. In fact, if some GM signed Latrell Sprewell for a long term deal at $14 million per year, then I would trade Lee and six future first round picks for Sprewell in a heartbeat. Spree never played better than he did as a Knick. I know I could sign him to a $14 million contract, say for six years, right now, but I�d rather trade Lee for him. That�s just how Isiah works, my brother. What? You think that is a racist policy? Well, it�s not and let me tell you why. I played with Bill Laimbeer and Kelly Tripucka. If I were a racist, would I have played with those guys? Yeah, I didn�t think so. Sure, you can be Zack Thomas (14/113) and have a nice game now and then, but I agree with my good friend Michael Irvin about matters concerning race. Irvin has helped me now and then with my team as well � he�s a good guy with a lot of interesting things to say. Ugh, the Nuggets just scored again. This is embarrassing for the NBA to have someone like George Karl tell his team to keep scoring. What did I ever do to George? No, I didn�t go to North Carolina and I did try to freeze out Michael Jordan at the 1987 all-star game, but George should learn to forget those kinds of things. I�ve learned to forget how dismal my stints as coach of the Raptors and Pacers were. I�ve also forgotten how I single handedly buried the CBA. Yeah, I did that, but honestly Tatum Bell (11/57) scoring -2 is much more embarrassing than my past business ventures. If you want the truth, you should know that Knicks Owner James Dolan has put a lot of pressure on me to win now and he won�t even let me trade for Dwight Howard, Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant, and Tracy McGrady. I could have had a great team like that if it weren�t for that meddling owner. Now, I just have one more thing to say: you probably shouldn�t go under the basket right now.
Week Sixteen previews - For all extents and purposes, the season is over. Yet it still goes on. There is draft placement and a few records to play for. For example, the Brentful Brents have won ten straight, but they could equal the Cubists� 1998 record with two more wins. In Week Sixteen, they can get one step closer to the record by defeating those self-same Cubists. In Week Seven, the Brents womped the Cubists behind a 30-point defensive performance from Owner Jason Moore nemesis Ronde Barber. Barber is back in the Brent D-flex along with the architect of the Week Seven win, Eli Manning. Reggie Brown also makes his lineup and caused Owner Steve Johnson to spout, �11 straight wins?� Moore has been Ouaou-ing and looks like he will do so again in Week Sixteen. The Cubists lead the series 10-4. Owner Randy Chambers is another owner who can look at big numbers. His team is sitting at 98 franchise wins with two weeks to play. A couple of wins and that would be, let�s see � I took a few upper math classes at school � I can do this � yes, 100. Wow, 100 franchise victories � that would be something to tell the grandkids about. To get to 99, however, the Baers will have to face the Wookies. Chambers mumbled, �We always respect a wookie. Hopefully we can get that one win that will lock up the one honor that was open to the other nine teams this year -- second place!� The Baers took a convincing 89-67 win in Week Seven. QB Drew Brees is back from his one week moral clause missionary work and he joins target Devery Henderson in the Baer lineup. Terrence McGee is also back. The Wookies have not made any changes from the lineup that scored 67 points in Week Fifteen. Like the Cubists, the Baers lead this series 10-4. With a Week Sixteen win, the 44�s can clinch their first above .500 season since 2002. They have been circling above water season for the past few, including 2005 during which they went 8-8-1. Their opponent is the Cookies, who had their lone winning season in 2003. In Week Seven, the 44�s overcame a fine performance by Donovan McNabb (24 points) with a balanced lineup to score a 108-93 win. With his eyes on the prize, Owner John Stoer said, �is it baseball season yet?� Stoer is keeping is youth movement at QB alive by starting his 9th different QB, Jay Cutler, an Envy washout. He is giving Cutler his favorite target in TE Tony Scheffler and has brought back fan favorite Dwight Freeney. Marvin Harrison and Warrick Dunn also return to the lineup. Owner Dan Weitz had brought back Michael Vick and DeShaun Foster and hopes to narrow the 7-10 series deficit. The Golden Horde hope to attain their second two game winning streak of the season when they face The Ballbusters. Owner Rich Joseph looked up at the standings and said, �Looks like this could be the best first place record in a while.� True that. In one of the more higher scoring games of the season, the Busters took a 111-104 victory over the Horde in Week Seven. Peyton Manning scored a season high 35 points to outdo the Horde who received TD�s from five different players. Ben Watson and Dominic Rhodes return to the Horde lineup, while the Busters have yet to make any changes. Finally, at the bottom of the standings, the Envy take on the Coroners with not much on the line. Owner Perry Missner said, �I actually picked Curry up before I knew I was playing the Coroners. I am also considering bringing in Warren Sapp (who has the proper pedigree) in a move that would almost certainly not work. I am a bit worried about the Bears taking it easy now that they have things wrapped up, but Benson should get his carries. A sweep in a season such as this would be sweet, but we are going to need Leinart to step up a bit more than he did this past week. C�mon Matty!� The Envy got their first victory (the only one of the first 13 weeks) with a 87-82 win to narrow the series history to 7-9. The aforementioned Ronald Curry of the Raiders is the only new player in the Envy lineup and the Coroners have not made any changes.
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