Bull City Baers (sp?) 82 County Coroners 79 How does Owner Randy Chambers do it? On paper, his team the Baers does not look like a championship contender. They have the worst O-flex by a wide margin (12.31 ppg and the Busters have the ninth best at 17.23 ppg). They aren�t being bailed out by an MVP caliber runner (seventh best RB slot at 7.46 ppg) and they have just the sixth most points scored. Yet, week after week � including the last five � they win. Even more astounding is their phenomenal record in close games, 4-1 in games decided by less than ten with those four wins coming in the last four games, snapping a record held by 1999 Wookies, the 1999 Chippies, and the 2000 Envy. How does it he do it? Chambers said, �I put my pants on one leg at a time and I have eaten so many turkey sandwiches with cheddar that I am surprised I don't peck for my food.� It doesn�t hurt that he has received super steady play from his QB, Drew Brees (12/201), who pushed another 12 points across the board. WR Torry Holt (12/104) also had a good game with 14, but only seems to play well when Hines Ward is out of the lineup. Could there be friction between these two Baer keepers? The Baers also received a TD from former-Coroner (that is who the Baers were playing this week) Braylon Edwards (2/14), who was unable to celebrate the TD �because of T.O.� Chambers was displeased by Frank Gore (11/101) who ended his Baer string of fine play with a lousy three. The Coroners, actually, did not play badly. Marc Bulger (7/87) overcame a string of poor starts to score 13 points and surprise starter Justin Fargas (1/9) opened his Modano career with a TD. The Coroners received a second Raider TD from D-flex member Kirk Morrison (6/46), whose 13 points were the lowest defensive score of the year of a player who had scored a TD. Even more inspiring than the TD�s was the one point scored by Courtney Anderson (13/22). Owner Chad Nuss was not at all happy with the play of Cadillac Williams (12/52) who equaled Anderson�s single point. Nevertheless, the Coroners held a seven point advantage heading into Monday night with David Akers (6/44) taking on John Kasay (12/83) and Donte� Stallworth (7/33), who had been replacing Reggie Williams� production of late. Akers pushed the advantage to ten by outscoring Kasay by three, but to everyone�s surprise, Stallworth scored a TD, tallied 13 points, and earned a gameball from Chambers who commented, �Donte' Stallworth from Jeff Garcia for the overtime steal.� Chambers, whose team has never lost in Week Thirteen, then took out his clipboard and made a thick red check beside two of his goals, �Goals for the year: 1. Beat Rich (check) 2. Clinch Winning Record (check) 3. Win One for the Pinky (still need LTII to blow out the knee).�
Brentful Brents 107 The Ballbusters 79 This has been the season of Owner Steve Johnson�s dreams. After some early trouble (it�s always best to get the trouble out of the way early), Johnson�s team has run off a string of eight wins with triple digit totals in each and every game. How did he come about such success? Well, last week we polled league owners about the poor showing of the Envy, this week they were asked about the secret to Steve�s success. Many gave credit to the draft day trade with the aforementioned Envy, including Johnson himself, �Getting rid of Edge for Steve Smith. Nice.� and Owner Jason Moore, �Unloading Edge for Steve Smith and an upgraded draft slot helped make up for the LJ mistake. Along those lines, Owner Randy Chambers said, �Not trading another franchise running back.� Owner John Stoer thought Johnson was using more sinister methods, �Kidnapping LT's wife or whatever it is that he has motivating LT to dominate. Set her free, Steve!� but that may have been due to too much 24. Owner Charlie Mitchell commented, �Intimidating the Blatz into early retirement.� And Owner Perry Missner thought, �Steve sent a message that he was serious about winning this year when he cut Brent Farf early on. Farf was clearly humbled and has tried to accustom himself to clipboard holding, but you know that he will find a way to screw the Brents in the end.� Finally, opposing Owner Rich Joseph said simply, �not retiring!� It�s true � you can�t win if you retire. And the Brents have not won yet, although they appear to be headed in that direction. In Week Thirteen, there were a few warning flags. For the first time in eight weeks, the Brents did not have the highest overall total, mostly due to an off week from the O-flex. Johnson noted, �[Laurence] Maroney (10/84) got his bell rung early but I was expecting more from [Joseph] Addai (8/88).� The two rookies combined for just four points after amassing 48 points in Week Twelve. Where the O-flex failed, the D-flex picked up the slack, scoring 35 points led by Adrian Wilson�s (11/104) 17 � his second all-pro game in a row. The Brent D-flex was concentrated on stopping Buster QB Peyton Manning (12/224) and they were as successful as any team can be. The master ad man had just 11 points and hasn�t had an all-pro total since Week Nine. Call in Jim Sorgi! The Busters were led by gameball earning TE Tony Gonzalez (8/70) who had 19 points and his second all-pro game. Joseph said, �Tony G! Nice game!� The Buster D-flex scored a respectable 26 points, but the O-flex only scored nine. Joseph was particularly upset by Lavernues Coles (7/43) who scored one point and caused Joseph to cry, �c'mon slacker pick it up!� He was also disgusted by Coles who forgot to bring his favorite lunch: �wraps.� A noted old school person, Joseph said the NFL wanted to rein in the TD celebrations because �the boys get too carried away.....Terrell,� while Johnson thought �They are afraid of everyone breaking out into an impromptu dance number � like in Fame.� I�m going to learn how to fly: Fame! In the end, Johnson got his 100+ point score after Steve Smith (10/109) served the coup de grace on Monday night. Johnson said, �Our big guns and D pushed us past 100 again even with some off games.� Asked if he was going to celebrate his team�s top ranked status with a lunch out on the town, Johnson declined and said he would have what he usually has, �Leftovers, always leftovers.�
Syracuse 44�s 117 Peaks Island Wookies 39 Two of the many teams that were looking up in the standings at the Brents with amazement and awe were the 44�s and Wookies who had been trending in opposite directions of late. The two teams could be symbolized by their QB situations: whereas the 44�s have found some stability with bionic wonder QB Steve McNair (5/60), the Wookies have been floundering with various losers including the still somehow respectable Rex Grossman (6/23). In fact, the Wookies have the worst QB rating (6.38 ppg) in the league. Grossman is a fine talent, but he might not be ready to helm a championship team in Modano land quite yet. Despite his -8 point performance, Owner Will Mitchell gave his gameball to Grossman, adding, �Rex Grossman. He is AWESOME.� No, he wasn�t being sarcastic, but he did sarcastically add, �One for [Antonio] Gates (12/78) too � at least he�s still trying.� Gates led the team with 12 points and no one else scored in double digits. The Wookie D-Flex was particularly poor, scoring just six points and allowing the 44�s to score five TD�s. Owner John Stoer commented, �So many solid choices, and I'd love to give it to [Mike] Vrabel (1/16) or even young DeAngelo [Williams] (2/21) , but it's gotta be Marvelous Marvin Harrison (12/93) . Wow, it's like riding a bike.� After a soul searching journey throughout the league, Harrison finally came home and scored 17 points, his third all-pro performance of the season. Harrison, who has two I�s in his name, echoed his owner�s thoughts on why the NFL is cracking down on TD celebrations, �There's no I in team, my friend. They should allow group ones like the Skins old Fun Bunch though.� Stoer did commit a bit of blasphemy by decrying the one point performance of �The U's own Kellen Winslow (3/10).� Oh, you don�t remember that commandment, �Thou shall not speak ill of The U?� I heard God himself went to the U and got a bachelor�s in Exercise Visual Communication. Not to be forgotten among the 44 honor roll was Ladell Betts (2/20) who had his first ever all-pro game and last year�s MVP Shaun Alexander (5/45) who seems to be fitting into his 44 duds as well as Stoer defined his most eaten lunch in the last five years, �A 3-way tie depending on when in the past 5 years you're talking about: hot dog and banana shake/turkey sandwich/various soups.� Mitchell could only shake his head in disappointment, noting, �Dude, I got 39 total points. Who didn�t [play poorly, sponsored by Jif]?� The point total represented a new season low and was doubly damning by the performances off the Wookie bench: Jeff Garcia � 28 points, Corey Dillon � 19 points, Keyshawn Johnson � 10 points � should I go on? Yes? � Champ Bailey outscoring the entire Wookie D-flex with 10 points. Stoer, commenting on his team�s largest margin of victory ever (tipping the 77.5 point margin in a 2003 victory over these self-same Wookies), said, �I had a feeling on Thursday night that things might go my way when McNair threw that very late TD pass, and I was quite confident come Sunday when I saw that Will was leaving longtime stud Corey Dillon on the bench. It's a very nice win that sets up a very big week.�
San Francisco Cubists 119 The Golden Horde 70 For Owner Jason Moore, Week Thirteen was a short journey into the past � say circa 2000-2001 when the Cubists would roll into town, Moore would snack on a �Turkey and swiss cheese sandwich,� and ride the party train out of town, celebrating yet another victory on their way to hoisting the Modano cup. Times have changed. The party train has become a chartered school bus and celebrations are limited to a marble sheet cake with thick white frosting and maybe a rose or two. In fact, the only thing that hasn�t changed is Moore�s lunch, which today was a �turkey and swiss cheese sandwich.� When the Cubists took the field against the Golden Horde, the game was over almost as soon as it begun because Reggie Bush (9/77) transformed himself from mediocre pro Reggie to USC super man Reggie. Bush scampered, hopped, and flipped for four TD�s and 34 points nearly doubling his season total. Asked who he was giving his gameball to, Moore said, �Reggie Bush. I have been waiting a while to say that.� Asked who he was disappointed by, Moore said, �Nobody. I have been waiting a while to say that, too.� Moore had to be particularly pleased by his O-flex who went proflexa for the second time this season (the Cubists are the only team to hit the hat trick twice with the 44�s and Brents doing the deed once.) Larry Fitzgerald (8/54) scored a TD and so did Alge Crumpler (12/78). WR Chad Johnson (12/114) � the leading WR scorer � had six points and was a direct cause of the NFL�s lack of lenience with TD celebrations, according to Moore, �NFL executives are jealous of Ocho-Cinco.� He is quite suave. Of course, one disappointment for Moore could have been ponce-like QB Tom Brady (12/170) who scored the same number of TD�s as the entire Horde team: zero. Owner Charlie Mitchell said he was disappointed by, �So many players that played poorly. It feels inappropriate to single one out. Let's just give it to the offense.� The eight offensive players combined to score two points less than the defense and Ben Watson (9/37) was particularly poor at -1. Mitchell did give a gameball to �Shawne Merriman (8/89) was excellent. He may not be thrilled by the prospect, but he'll be a Horde man for years to come.� It was Merriman�s third all-pro performance, equaling Julius Peppers and Jason Taylor for most by a defensive player. The only thing that could calm a raging Mitchell was his usual lunch, �Burrito: spinach tortilla, black and tan (refried) beans, fresh salsa, sour cream and mango habanero hot sauce.� Sounds like something you could get at Super Taco, a place Moore used to haunt. Noting owner betting trends, Mitchell said, �Two weeks in a row everyone picked me - we are the irresistible sucker bet in the MMHL.� Moore gave credit to the media, squarely where it belongs, for the victory, �Thanks to the media for firing Reggie up with a little smack talk. Of course, the entire team contributed. Alge Crumpler and Donnie Edwards (12/99) continue to bring it, even though we are out of the running.�
Weaselicious Cookies 95 P-Miss Envy 74 In the long and unenviable history of the Weaselicious Cookies, Owner Dan Weitz has had to suffer through quite a few losing streaks. However, the longest losing streak that the team has ever annoyed their owner with was six games (in the middle of 1998 and to open 2002). His team has had five other streaks of five losses, but even with all of this experience losing, he did not feel any sympathy for Owner Perry Missner, who has had to endure two six game losing streaks in the same season. Of late, the Envy�s problem has been not enough TD�s, but that was not the particular problem in Week Thirteen. Despite not giving out a gameball due to �team policy,� Missner said with increasing fury, �There were a lot of TD�s scored, but we were hoping for more from Jonathan Vilma (9/61) when we brought him in. He had the proper pedigree, but I watched most of the Packer game (and it was quite sweet) but Vilma did not seem to be involved in many plays. Oh, he was patting a lot of fannies and exhorting his teammates, but where is the production? There are plenty of players with the proper pedigree, so I cut you!� Vilma cleaned out his locker and had his agent on the phone to the other nine teams, looking for a late season deal for the 2005 Sweeney award winner. Despite the six Envy TD�s � a season high � there were not a lot of high scores. Cedric Benson (5/34) made his debut a happy one with 10 points and he was equaled by the tempestuous TE Jeremy Shockey (12/54). Wali Lundy (5/28) also had a successful Envy debut from the O-flex and was matched in TD production by Edgerrin James (10/71). Even Edgerrin James (12/66) scored seven points. On another Sunday, these players might have been good enough, but the ever-fiery Missner had called out Cookie QB David Gerrard (1/20) in the previous week, saying and we quote, �he sucks.� Gerrard took exception to Missner�s words, scoring two TD�s and being the only QB to post an all-pro week. Gerrard also handed off successfully to Maurice Jones-Drew (1/12) who scored a TD. The other two Cookie TD�s came from Marion Barber (2/34), who had his second consecutive 17-point performance since being rescued from the Cookie bench. The only defector among the Cookies was WR Andre Johnson (12/97) who refused to score after he saw how many players from the U were on the Envy starting slate. A once again disgusted Missner said, �Swept by the Cookies, two six game losing streaks in the same season, and somehow we have only scored four fewer points than the Wookies who are 7-6. We all know that life isn�t fair, but this is just stupid. All the TD�s (six in all) were a pleasant diversion though.� Still, Missner could find pleasure in the little things, such as his usual lunch, �Peanut butter and jelly. I�ve found the key is a little extra jelly (but not too much!) so that there are pockets of jelly that squirt when bitten into.� Yes, that is good, isn�t it?
Week 14 previews - Once again, the Brents can lay the smack down to one of the closest competitors and come another step closer to their first ever championship. This week, it is the Syracuse 44�s, who dealt Owner Steve Johnson his last loss � a 79-68 win that was the last time that LaDainian Tomlinson was held without a TD. In fact, the 44�s were led by the one and only Brent Farf, who may have been brainwashed by Owner John Stoer into wreaking havoc on the Brent sideline this week. Owner John Stoer shaved a Mohawk just for Week Fourteen and said gravelly, �We are the last team to hold the Brents to under-100. It's clear we'll have to top that to win this week. It's the biggest challenge of the season and my prediction for the fight? Pain.� For now, the Trickster, has rookie QB Vince Young slated to start, but we�ve written those words before. DeMarco Ryans and Brian Westbrook are also back in the 44 lineup. The Brents still hold a 9-6 lead and Johnson said, �This is the big one! Huge talent going against me with good matchups. If I can win this one I will be sitting pretty.� If? Where�s the confidence? I knew it! It�s Farf�s doing! The unholy one is casting his evil spell! Farf has not wormed his way into the lineup yet, but Reggie Brown makes his unsuccessful Brents debut and Marques Colston is back in his TE slot. The only other team with a realistic shot at the Brents (there are a mass of teams three games back with four to play) is the Baers who take on a team they were unable to beat in their first attempt � a tie against the Golden Horde. Owner Randy Chambers said, �The next one is sticky. Another team with more points than us, while Donte' heads to the bench. We are scoreboard watching now. Go 44s!� Stallworth is still in the lineup as are the rest of the Week Thirteen Baers. No changes on the other side as well and Owner Charlie Mitchell looked at the schedule and said, �That Week 17 showdown with the Envy looms as an all-time classic.� Looking ahead � a Modano no-no, but in this case, it really doesn�t matter. Other games that don�t really matter include the battle of 7-6 teams, the rhyming Cookies and Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell and his Wookies were riding high after a Week Five 92-90 victory over the Cookies that featured an all-pro performance from Cedric Benson. Benson is now gone, but Mitchell, whose team tied the series at seven said, �Dropped 3 in a row and faded from contender to pushover. At least the Pats are headed towards another Super Bowl. The Wookies will have to wait another year�� Mitchell has unearthed David Carr from the waiver wire. Carr scored 12 points in three appearances with the Envy earlier in the season. Champ Bailey is also back in the D-flex. Owner Dan Weitz has stealthily not made any changes to his lineup. Owner Rich Joseph never struck us as the religious type, but in commenting on his Week Fourteen battle with the Coroners, he said, �Let's get on our knees and start praying!� Prayer couldn�t hurt since the Coroners took a 76-46 decision in Week Five. The 46 points were a Modano season low until Week Thirteen. The Busters still lead the series 4-1 and neither team has made any lineup changes. Finally, the always entertaining Envy and Cubists renew their rivalry. Despite his team�s awful season, Owner Perry Missner has remained as brash as always, �It seems to me that the Cubists barely beat us in Week Five. Week Fourteen we turn the tables and upend the four time champ. Matt Leinart does not have the proper pedigree (and no NFL QB other than Vinny Testaverde does), but he has that certain something about him: winnability! You win a few games for us, Matty, and I got a fat, long term contract with your name on it waiting.� Leinart did throw a goose egg for the Wookies in Week Seven, leading to his dismissal. A goose egg in baseball would be good � in football, not so much. Missner has also brought in Chris Chambers and Sean Taylor. No changes yet to the Cubists lineup, but the team hopes to increase their 8-7 series edge and Owner Jason Moore said, �Kudos to the Baers for doing it with smoke and mirrors. However, it would be great injustice if they somehow caught the Brents, who are simply awesome. Meanwhile, we will try to put up enough points so that the Envy will begin to call out the Wookies in the press, instead of us.� Memo to Moore � fantasy football has nothing to do with justice. Memo to Missner � the Cubists are 8-0 in previous Week Fourteens. Gulp!
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