Brentful Brents 165 Peaks Island Wookies 82 It has been awhile since the league has seen a force equal to this year�s Brents, who are currently making a mockery of the competition. Just when it seems like Owner Steve Johnson�s team has reached their peak, they shatter that ceiling and approached even more rarified air. In fact, there is just one person that can derail this hurtling locomotive, and it isn�t even Johnson himself. It�s his third string QB, Brent Farf, who has his owner�s ear at all times for any suggestions this �legend� might have. Lately Farf has been making noise about joining the ranks of players who became general managers. The inbred hillbilly moron noted, �I take a look at my friends in the NBA and all of their success in building teams. Look at guys like Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, and Michael Jordan himself. They get all sorts of glory and they don�t even have to get hit by 300 pound big guys. Since this team is named for me, perhaps I�ll even take over here.� Johnson had nothing to say about his QB�s ambitions, but did note that question about worst QB tradition in the NFL was �a tough one. I was going to say the Ravens. When their best team was lead by Trent Dilfer, QB is obviously not a strength. But I'll have to go with Arizona. Jack the Snake is the best they can do.� Both Jake Plummer and Neil Lomax took offense. In Week Twelve, the opponent was the Peaks Island Wookies, who have started their annual fade from the top spot. For a few days, the Wookies actually held a lead as Champ Bailey (3/24) out-pointed Ronde Barber (11/105) on Thanksgiving. That was all just part of Johnson�s strategy: lull the opponent into a sense of complacency, the lower the hammer. On Sunday, the hammer fell with a thud, crushing all hairy being beneath it. QB Carson Palmer (8/130) started the big time scoring with 25 points on three TD�s, his fifth all-pro game. Owner Will Mitchell, who believes that �Devil went down to Georgia� is the best violin concerto, had his team close for a short time. After much waffling about his QB position, he landed Jeff Garcia (1/13) who did better than any of the other options (including the not so good Rex Grossman who could have cost his team six points). Mitchell noted that �Baltimore� had a similar QB tradition to his own team. Speaking of the Ravens, Jamal Lewis (9/74) had a successful Wookie debut with ten points and was matched by Rudi Johnson (11/104). Johnson, who wondered aloud �How can you not put Bach at the top of your list?� (answer - it�s not that hard, although kudos to Johnson for actually knowing a classical composer. Yes, I am a snob.), had Steve Smith (9/94), Todd Heap (6/43), Steven Jackson (11/121), and Adrian Wilson (10/87) all scoring TD�s in the early games. While the lead was comfortable, it was not enough for Johnson, who ordered his team to score TD�s like had never been scored before. As always, LaDainian Tomlinson (11/249) did his part with three TD�s and 25 points, his 9th all-pro performance. Comparing Tomlinson to last year�s MVP, Shaun Alexander, it looks like LT2 might be in for a La-la-la-laFontaine Trophy of his own. Through eleven games last year, Alexander scored 205 points, so Tomlinson is 44 points ahead of him. Incredible. Even more incredible was that Tomlinson did not even lead the team in scoring. Joseph Addai (7/85) pumped in 37 points on four TD�s to erase not only the season RB record but also the team record in Modano history (previously held by the 2004 Biers who scored 161 points in a game). Both owners gave their gameball to Addai. Mitchell commenting, �He outplayed the top 3 players on my squad combined,� and Johnson adding, �4 TDs from someone other than LT? Sweet!� The Brents tied their franchise longest winning streak at seven and have scored in the triple digits as well as being the highest scoring team in each of the seven weeks. The only thing that troubled Johnson was himself �for not putting Maroney in. I thought the Bears could stop someone. Boy was I wr...� but just as he was about to finish his sentence, the skies opened up and he was zapped by a powerful current of lightening (see Yahoo picture), melting his glasses to his face. However, even that worked out for Johnson as the lightening was like Lasiq surgery, eliminating the need for those glasses. Incredible! A glum Mitchell noted, �Let�s face it - the wookie fire has faded. The boys played mediocre ball and ran into a [gee willickers] buzzsaw. I dare say this league has never seen a 165 before. [True that.] And that�s after I smirked at Ronde Barber�s Thanksgiving day start of 1 point. Ugh - hats off Big Bad�s - you deserve this championship.� Shrugging off the early championship scent, Johnson said, �My team is playing at the top of its game right now, but we have to keep it up for a couple more weeks at least.�
Bull City Baers (sp?) 82 The Ballbusters 79 The Modano Mi Hermano league is filled with enough rules that teams usually don�t have to make up their own internal policies like no headbands, mustaches, or polygamy. Some owners, however, take it upon themselves to add additional regulations to their teams so as to not interfere with their NFL interests. We thought that Owner Randy Chambers was one of those owners with his rules about not playing players against the Redskins. As it turns out, Chambers apparently adheres to this rule when it is convenient. For example, last year Chambers was unable to find a replacement for Shaun Alexander, the league�s MVP, when the Seahawks played the Redskins last year, so there was Alexander running rampant against the Washington defense as he accrued points for the Baers. Of course, the ever morally vigilant press corps tore Chambers a new one. This year Chambers thought he could sneak a kicker, John Kasay (11/77) vs. the Skins past us. Think again, Randy! If we don�t hold you to your own moral clauses, who will? Would Kasay�s output come into play as the Baers took on their archrivals, the Ballbusters? You bet your sweet bippy he would! Once again the Baer lineup was top heavy. QB Drew Brees (11/189), who thankfully did not choose to go to Arizona (because the �Cards [have the worst QB tradition]. Was Jim Hart their last pro bowler, or did Neil Lomax sneak in a pro bowl appearance 20 years ago?� an opinion that Buster Owner Rich Joseph agreed with), who scored 23 points for his seventh all-pro performance. Brees is having quite a season. Frank Gore (10/98) and the resurgent Chris Cooley (11/58) supplied the rest of the Baer scoring. The Busters started slowly with Jason Taylor (8/79) drafting a zilch on Thanksgiving. A perplexed Joseph said, �What the hell happened to Jason Taylor? No word of not playing. A goose egg after a 20+ week? [even though that was two weeks ago.]� Anquan Boldin (11/82) heated up the desert like �Charlie Daniels� with 15 points, his second all-pro game, and Lavernues Coles (6/42) returned to the Buster lineup with 13. Santana Moss (8/51) also returned after a lengthy bench stint, but only managed a meager one against Chambers, an avowed Skins fan. Joseph gave the gameball to �L.J. Smith (5/34) for �a nice job filling in for Tony� but had to be concerned about Travis Henry (4/19) who cost his team a point. The Busters narrowed the gap on Sunday night thanks to a combined 18 points from Peyton Manning (11/213) and Adam Vinatieri (8/66). Each team had one player left on Monday and the Baers had an eleven point advantage. Unfortunately, the Busters only had Ahole �Put in on the� Green (11/78) left. Green raised Joseph�s expectations with an early TD, but was rendered ineffective after his flourish by the Seahawk D, led by Julian Peterson (5/37), who earned a gameball for his game-saving five point effort. Chambers said, �He hit A-hole enough to save the win.� As for the aforementioned Kasay, a league special task force is being convened to determine whether his eight points, more than enough to tip the margin back to the Busters, should be allowed. Early word is that it should be allowed because the league feels sorry for the pitiable state of the Baer O-flex, which scored just five points and is averaging just 11.5 ppg. Other hardliners would like to see the victory taken away from the Baers, who are now in second place due to their current four game winning streak, just 1.5 games behind the Brents. Either way, Chambers seemed satisfied with the �win,� commenting, �If we were one place higher in the standings, it'd be where we expect to be come December, but we always celebrate any win. Our annual goals are always laid out thusly: 1. Beat Rich (check) 2. Have Winning Record (hope to get there) 3. Win One for the Pinky (need Steve to trade LT like he traded LJ, otherwise, we are gonna be the color when black is burnt).�
Syracuse 44�s 106 P-Miss Envy 78 2006 has easily been the worst season in P-Miss Envy history. Yes, there was the 4-13 debacle in which the Envy lost ten of their first eleven, but their misery seemed somewhat mitigated by the fact that Coroners were also terrible (and ended up with a 3-14 record). This year, no one is really close to as bad as the Envy and league owners each had opinion about what happened to the once proud franchise. For Owner Rich Joseph, it was that �The owner drafted with his heart!� (true for second round pick Brian Urlacher, not true for first round pick Daunte Culpepper - that was the moldy brain all the way). Owner Steve Johnson commented enigmatically, �Somehow you must have got all my bad mojo this year. Now you are double dipping. And not in a good way,� while Owner Will Mitchell was more philosophical, �It is inexplicable. No one knows for sure. They may reveal it in the next season of Lost.� Owners Randy Chambers and Charlie Mitchell were more exact with their critiques, noting respectively, �Rex Hex. Shoulda picked Gross-man.� and �Too much envy, too little P-Miss.� Week Twelve opponent and part time conspiracy theorist Owner John Stoer said, �A lack of plane-breaking is an obvious response, but you have to ask yourself, who benefits from the Envy's nightmare season? I tend to believe that Dan has contributed heavily to Marsela's college fund in return for Perry keeping him out of the basement this year. Follow the money.� An interesting theory... Missner himself really had no ideas, stating, �Players that score TD�s would help, but mostly I blame El Nino. (i.e. the boy).� The lack of TD�s was once again a problem for the Envy. Only surprise starter RB Willis McGahee (9/64) hit pay dirt and that was only because he had not practiced with the team for the last month. Those practices routinely include tripping over oneself within the five yard line, fumbling during premature celebrations, and gingerly stepping out of bounds, Franco Harris-style, when blown by even the slightest wind. McGahee, however, did not get a gameball for his efforts due to a new �team policy.� McGahee�s partner from the U, Edgerrin James (11/59), cost his team two points and caused Missner to shout, �Edgerrin�s season just gets worse and worse. His replacement scores four TD�s and he can�t even hold onto the ball. Do I have to keep any of these players?� In fact, the best runner for the Envy was their QB Michael Vick (5/49), who ran for 166 yards but failed to score a TD, earning some well earned rest on the bench in the future. Other than his own team�s poor history at the top of the lineup card, Missner said, �I�d say it is a toss up between the Lions and Bears with the Lions being a bit worse. Of course, for every Scott Mitchell, there is a Kordell Stewart, but the Lions have botched up high draft picks like Andre Ware and Joey Harrington, while Jim Harbaugh was at least serviceable. Let�s not mention Cade McNown.� In part, Stoer agreed, �I'm going to have to go with the Lions which might help explain their consistent futility.� The 44�s were led by the bionic wonder, Steve �Bruised Pear� McNair (4/46) who scored a simple ten points on a TD. Yet, even the threat of a passing TD opened up running lanes for the powerful 44 O-flex. Chester Taylor (8/78) and Brian Westbrook (11/126) each scored a TD and Westbrook had his fourth all-pro game with 17. Adelius Thomas (11/109) had a big game from the D-flex with the 44�s first defensive TD and 15 points, his second all-pro performance. Stoer was only disappointed by �Sweet Caroline, it's Javon Walker (7/44), who is no longer mine,� but he was impressed by �Hey Hey My My, it's Shaun Alexander (4/33), aka the new guy� who returned with 13 points, all on yards.� To get away from it all, Missner thought of his favorite violin concertos, �To play, Mendelsohn - because that was the height of my violin powers. Get the CD some time, even I am impressed that I could play that. To listen to, I like Brahms or Tchaikovsky - neither of which I ever attempted to play.� Stoer responded with, �James Bond would have the perfect answer to this question, but since I drink beer instead of martinis and sleep with the occasional plain woman rather than multitudes of exotic beauties, I'll just have to stare blankly, drool, and turn the TV back on. Man, that Emmitt dance good.� He commented further, �I know the Bretts hold all the gaudy stats and scored a ridiculous 13 TD's this week, [a record setting 14, actually, including Adrian Wilson�s DTD] but I'm proud that the 44's ran for over 500 yards this week. It's never fun to beat a friend, much less kick him when he's down, but this win could be huge if Carson Palmer, LT, Steve Smith, Steven Jackson, and Joseph Addai all get hurt this week.�
Weaselicious Cookies 101 The Golden Horde 78 What was once one of the league�s signature rivalries has devolved into an odd affair. Owner Dan Weitz used to have a blood feud with Deputy Commissioner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, but Olsen suddenly handed his team to Owner Josh Kowalske. When the team became available again, Olsen offered to take over again, but was denied by the league constitution which claimed that one could not be both Deputy Commissioner (or Commissioner, for that matter) and an owner. Since the team was based in Belarus, a local, Owner Charlie Mitchell, took over. Now, as Weitz put it with a bit of a cry in his voice (he had just been watching Beaches, of course), �It�s like I don�t even know you anymore.� Mitchell did not respond as he was busy getting QB Matt Hasslebeck ready for his return to the lineup (extended massages, motivational speeches, etc.). Both teams used the odd Thanksgiving player to maximum advantage. Cookie QB Jake Plummer (3/40) and Marion Barber (1/17) combined for 27 points and Horde RB Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (12/180) and Terrell Owens (9/98) enjoyed Turkey day even more with 29. TE Jason Witten (11/35) two point day evened things out heading into the long weekend. Mitchell �gave the gameball to Larry. Another solid week.� On Sunday, the Cookies used a little bit of Deuce and a whole lot of D to forge a solid and eventually unsurpassable lead. RB Deuce McAllister (7/55) had his second all-pro game of the season with 16 points and the D-flex combined for 30 points, including 13 from Kerry Rhodes (3/34) and 14 from Antonio Winfield (8/52). Texan WR Andre Johnson (11/97) scored another 13 with a TD, even as Mitchell decried the �Texans� for having the worst QB tradition in the NFL. Is David Carr really that bad? Speaking of the worst, the Horde D-flex did not show up at all, scoring a combined four points, including a big fat doughnut from Mitchell favorite Justin Miller (6/39). Still, TE Ben Watson (8/38) scored for the second consecutive week and the Horde had plenty of players in prime time. WR Reggie Wayne (11/110) enjoyed the night lights with 11 points and is now the leading WR scorer. His former partner in crime, Marvin "cracklin rose" Harrison (11/76) didn't even have the professionalism to show up for his last game. Guess he's pissed about the trade.� Harrison is definitely pissed about something. The last two chambers in the Horde�s gun belonged to a pair of Monday night performers. WR Greg Jennings (4/17) looks like he will be a bust and scored just three points and Matt �The Excellence of Clipboard Holding� Hasselbeck (7/95) did a fair imitation of his mentor by flinging three passes to the wrong team, before correcting himself with three TD�s but just 13 points (the third Seattle 13 point QB performer in a row for the Horde). Assessing the loss, Mitchell said, �We need to get the f*#@ out of Minsk,� while Weitz just smiled broadly and did the cabbage patch.
San Francisco Cubists 73 County Coroners 61 [The following recap is the taped transcription of the description of events taking place between the Cubists and Coroners as spoken by the Incredible Hulk] �like me when I am angry!� [a loud ripping noise, which may or may not be of purple pants, is heard, followed by stomping and grunting, smashing of televisions sets, and the disemboweling of several media corps members] Hulk not like when team owner not respond to questions! Hulk smash! [more loud noises] Hulk look at Cubists, look at Coroners. Hulk not see much and Hulk want to smash that ponce Tom Brady (11/161). Who Tom Brady think he is?!? He think he something special? Well, Hulk tell Tom Brady that he not special! He a ponce! If Hulk ever meet Tom Brady, first Hulk smash Patriots offensive line, then Hulk smash Tom Brady�s head like a big, stinky watermelon. This might make Hulk laugh, but Tom Brady try to make more commercials like that ponce Peyton Manning, Hulk get mad again! Hulk also not like Courtney Anderson (11/21). Courtney Anderson block good, but no catch. That make Hulk mad! Hulk smash! Hulk not understand [A.J.] Hawkman (1/10). Who Hawkman think he is? He think he better than Hulk? No! Hulk Smash! Donald Driver (9/80) also make Hulk mad! Donald Driver think Lambeau Leap some super power. It not! Donald Driver leap at Hulk, then Hulk smash Donald Driver! Yes! Hulk smash! Now, Zach Thomas (11/84) - he not so bad. Zach Thomas tackle, at least, which is more than Hulk can say for Derrick Brooks. He no tackle. He no smash. He no nothing. Hulk like Ocho-Cinco - he funny and Hulk not understand why NFL not let Ocho-Cinco dance when he scores. Hulk like dancing. Watch Hulk dance now. When Hulk dance, Hulk like to listen to Smashmouth. Hulk know Smashmouth too commercial, but Hulk like name: Smashmoth. Hulk smash! Like Owner Jason Moore, Mike Shanahan make Hulk confused. Too many damn Bells. Play one, play other - Hulk not care. Just choose, Shanny, or Hulk smash you too. When Hulk think about two teams scoring less than 75 point, then Hulk not think either team deserve win. Hulk look at Cubists - how Cubists 6-6 Hulk have no idea. Hulk not believe Cubists only allow 79.42 ppg. Hulk think that lucky - very lucky. Cubists have worst RB slot (4.33 ppg), worst D-flex (19.00 ppg), yet somehow Moore gets Cubists to win. This make Hulk very confused and Hulk no like being confused. When Hulk get confused, Hulk get frustrated. When Hulk get frustrated, Hulk get mad. When Hulk get mad, Hulk smash! [Many smashing sounds are heard and the tape ends].
Week 13 previews - At this point, it�s all about the Brents. They can destroy the title hopes of another contender in Week 13, a week that has them boasting a 5-2 record in previous years, when they face the Ballbusters. Owner Steve Johnson said, �The next two weeks will be a test but I have some good match-ups this week to help out.� He has returned Marques Colston and Laurence Maroney to the lineup and hopes to avenge his 116-124 Week Four loss to the Busters. Owner Rich Joseph said, �[Week 13] will be rough after two weeks of offensive stalling!� QB Peyton Manning could help the cause by ignoring Joseph Addai. Joseph, who could even the series at four with a win, brings back Tony Gonzalez to his TE slot and gives WR Devery Henderson his first start in the O-flex. The second place team for the time being is the Bull City Baers, who are undefeated in previous Week Thirteens (8-0) and have the pleasure of facing the reeling County Coroners. Owner Randy Chambers said, �Facing a Coroner is always rough, especially at the County. Chad has enough non-Raider firepower to scare anyone.� That firepower and a pass wacky attack helped the Coroners achieve an 87-57 Week Four win, narrowing the series history to a 12-5 Baer advantage. Because of an injury to Hines Ward, Chambers has had to bring Braylon Edwards off the bench and Donte Stallworth (6/20) will be starting once again. There have been no changes to the Coroners lineup, but Ronnie Brown is done and will have to be replaced. The 44�s and Wookies are a pair of teams vying for second place with each having at least a shot at a championship this year. The Wookies were humbled by the Brents in Week 12, but hope to bounce back behind new QB David Carr and new WR Roy Williams, both of whom have appeared for the Envy this season. Perhaps a change of scenery to balmy Peaks Island will do the trick. In Week Four, the Wookies stomped the 44�s by a 86-58 margin to take an 8-5 series lead. Owner Will Mitchell said, �It doesn�t much matter anymore. We�ll be playing to win alright, but the wooks take a championship hook fade again.� He then spoke some gibberish about the Patriots and their ponce-like QB Tom Brady. Ponce. After a few weeks of stability at the QB slot, Owner John Stoer has made another change, bringing in former supplemental draft pick and Envy bench jockey, Vince Young. He also made the following announcement, �It brings me great pleasure to say the following words: Welcome home, Marvin Harrison!!� Harrison joins the lineup along with some food for thought for Mitchell in LB Mike Vrabel. Who you going to root for now, Will? The 44�s also have Ladell Betts in the RB slot for now and Kellen Winslow gets a shot at the team that kept him locked on the bench for all but one week. The Wookies are 5-2 in previous Week Thirteens. Speaking of that ponce, QB Tom Brady leads the Cubists against the Golden Horde. Owner Jason Moore has not made any changes to his lineup, but he can�t be pleased with the recent play of Reggie Bush. He also won�t have the pleasure of going against half a team, since Owner Charlie Mitchell is now in charge of the Horde. Mitchell brought Javon Walker for Marvin Harrison and gets Shawne Merriman back from suspension. Mitchell also brought Reche Caldwell to catch some of those poncy passes. Finally, the Cookies and Envy meet up again. Owner Perry Missner said, �A few weeks ago, I made it my goal to catch Dan. Now that is nigh impossible, our goal is not to be the lowest scoring team in the league and to win at least one more. Both teams have QB instability, but at least no one knows what Cutler can do. Gerrard is a bum - a lousy bum, who will have trouble scoring positive points against Ray Ray and B-Url.� Burl Ives? Jay Cutler has been anointed as the QB in Denver, but RB Cedric Benson is the anointed one in Envy land. He makes his first start along with Wali Lundy since being brough in and Missner starts five former Hurricanes. The Cookies have one, WR Andre Johnson. The Cookies took a 105-81 victory in Week Four behind nine TD�s, including four from now broken QB Donovan McNabb. Along with Gerrard, Weitz is giving a start to Maurice Jones-Drew in hopes of making the series closer than its current 9-7.
----------------------------------A Desolated View Press------------------------