Brentful Brents 112, P-Miss Envy 72 Owner Steve Johnson, a student of history and all of its tragedies, knows that a person’s (or team’s) time at the top is fleeting. He knows that he can’t take anything for granted and he also knows that he will not “get too conservative with a slight lead.” Yet, he should enjoy his time pummeling the rest of the Modano league because it won’t last. The nine other owners will figure out ways to crack the Brent monopoly on success sooner or later. For now, though, no one is coming close to knocking of the Brents. In Week Twelve, it was the woeful Envy who managed a weak fart of an offense and prayed that someone would shut down LaDainian Tomlinson (10/224). The fall from grace of the Envy has been as incomprehensible to Owner Perry Missner as listening to “The Clash. It sounds somewhat like English and it might be English, but I can’t understand more than a few words. I can understand the Sex Pistols, the other seminal punk band, and that makes them much better, in my opinion.” Thanks for that. As is usually the case with Envy, they start out with a TD in the first ten minutes after noon, then satisfied with their effort, shut things down for the rest of the week. This week it was Michael Vick (4/36) who scored and had his best game for the Envy with 13 points. Thomas Jones (10/77) and Edgerrin James (10/61) ran well, but not for any TD’s. As for the gameball, Missner announced, “There will be no more gameballs until we win.” No gameballs until 2007? That’s not fair. Things started a little slowly for the Brents as well. First, TE/WR Marques Colston (5/34) went down with a sprained ankle and RB Stephen Jackson (10/103) got confused after trying to interpret the Pretenders. Laurence Maroney (9/83) scored an easy TD on the ineffectual Packer defense. Steve Smith (8/86) burned his former team with a TD and 13 points and has outscored James by 25 points this season, despite playing in two fewer games. There weren’t even any defensive TD’s for the Brents. In the second half, Carson Palmer (7/106) started the big time scoring with 24 points, his fourth all pro performance. By the time Palmer was finished, the Brents held a nice lead, but Johnson was not at all satisfied. He told Tomlinson that if he didn’t score at least 30 points against the hated Envy, he would be on the bench next week. The fear of the bench caused Tomlinson to score four TD’s yet again for a season high 35 points (tying Larry Johnson’s record) and pumping the victory margin to near certain blowout proportions. Thoughtfully, Missner compared Tomlinson’s play to “November Rain [which] has it all. The overindulgence of the group and the best guitar solo that Slash has ever cranked out. There are numerous solos, actually, but I really like the one at the end where it sounds like he is revving up his guitar, then plants a facemelter on us.” Johnson merely asked, “Do they have other songs other than Welcome to the Jungle?” Johnson gave gameballs to LT and Carson...score all the points you want.” The Brents have scored more TD’s in the last four weeks (36) than the Envy have scored all season (34). Commenting on the team’s sixth straight win (one off the franchise record set in 2005) and 100 point performance, Johnson confusingly said, “Another 100 point win, but all I care about is the win. And against the Bears is all the sweeter.” Apparently, he thought he was playing Owner Randy Chambers’ team. Missner excoriated himself for poor strategy, “Going for it on fourth down seems like the big one, but I think coaches should go for two points more often. It’s just two yards and you get an extra point! Punters should also be instructed to angle the ball out of bounds more often. The punt might be a few yards shorter, but the net will be better.” Then he pointed the finger outward at his players, “Our defense leaks like Huggies and the other team protects their QB better than Pampers. I don’t have the strength anymore to cut anyone, so you all get to stay around another week.” Missner then cut WR Reggie Brown. Finally, Missner spewed, “My team sickens me. We aren’t even competitive anymore. Yards are meaningless. Only TD’s matter. At least we were able to injure Farf as he watched from sideline, then we took out Duck Rodgers, so the week wasn’t a complete loss.” There’s always a silver lining.
The Ballbusters 81 Peaks Island Wookies 71 When one reminisces about all of life’s events, what are some of the major ones? Let’s see, there are weddings, births, deaths. The time in which your brother tried to eat two dozen bananas. And, then there is that time you were scalded by a barrel full of New England clam chowder. Now, that’s the kind of painful memory that just doesn’t go away. For Owner Will Mitchell, the scalding caused a complete change in personality, causing him to cut one time favorite QB Drew Bledsoe. In Bledsoe’s stead has come a steady line of pretenders to the throne: Matt Leinart, Jon Kitna, and now Rex Grossman (5/31). Yes, Grossman is one of the better stories this year in the NFL, his first as a starter, but he and Mitchell just don’t seem to be on the same wavelength – at least, not like Mitchell and Bledsoe were. With the second Chowdah Bowl in the offing, Mitchell tried to get Grossman to eat the soup, but Grossman steadfastly refused. Meanwhile, Buster QB Peyton Manning (10/204) was seen downing chowder on one of his many ads repeatedly. Reports even filtered through the media that Manning had been bathing in chowder to prepare for the second annual meeting between these New England-based teams. Manning did not have his best game with just 11 points, but his incomplete pass that hit Julius Peppers (8/79) right in the schnozz, knocking him out for the game, set the tone. As Peppers was being carted off, Manning pointed his finger at the downed lineman and screamed, “Do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby!” Manning also hit replacement TE L.J. Smith (4/27) for a TD and set up Travis Henry (3/20) for his first score in years. The one guy that Manning ignored was starter T.J. Houshmandzadeh (7/48), who scored just a point. Also disappointing was Ahole “Put it on the” Green (10/67) who didn’t even fumble to get to his one point. With their coach looking everywhere but the field for chowder attackers, the Wookies looked disjointed. Keyshawn Johnson (10/55) basically sat out and Jeff Wilkins (10/87) did nothing. Deion Branch (7/52) put some spark in the game with 14 points and Lofa Tatupu (10/81) led the D-flex with 11, but Peaks Island looked as confused as Owner Rich Joseph listening to Bob Dylan’s nasal nonsense. As the clock was winding down, Joseph decided against going for a “FG instead of going for the 4th down conversion,” and made the bold move of putting Jason Taylor (5/71) in as a fullback. Taylor responded with a TD and was given a gameball by his owner, who said, “He loves playin' for the Busters!” It was Taylor’s third all-pro performance of the season and his second defensive TD. A downcast Mitchell could only kick the dirt of what might have been, while Joseph shouted to a mob of Boston reporters, “81 points and a "W" is lucky.”
Bull City Baers (sp?) 93 San Francisco Cubists 85 What used to be the signature rivalry in the Modano league has, by Week Eleven, turned into a battle for mere respectability. Owners Randy Chambers and Jason Moore own seven of the eight Modano championships, but it looks like neither will win it in 2006. Perhaps we are speaking too soon because the current top teams have collapsed before, but do either the Baers or Cubists really seem like a champion this year to you? For Moore, this has been one of the most trying years in Cubist history. It’s as if the three dimensional shapes just won’t fit on two dimensional paper. The Cubists were buoyed by two incredible performances in Week Eleven. QB Tom Brady (10/153) was licking his as he lined up against the incredibly terrible Packer defense, which offered no resistance at all to his four TD assault. Brady ended up with 29 points and his 7th all-pro performance, tying Donovan McNabb for the most by a QB. His favorite target was WR Chad Johnson (10/100) who outpointed his own season record for WR with 30 points (he had 29 in Week Ten). Johnson is now the league’s leading WR and has thanked everyone from Elvis to the Good Lord Above that he is no longer with cellar dwelling Envy. After seeing his team shredded for 59 points between two players, Chambers called an audible and gave free reign to his players. They responded to the new found responsibility by coming together and achieving something that no single player could do by himself. For the gameball, Chambers look around and said, “We could go with the guy who threw for 500 yards (Drew Brees (10/166) who had 20 points, his sixth all pro performance) or the guy who ran for 200 yards and still did not rack-up an all-pro performance (Frank Gore (9/83) who ended up with 13 points), but since both of them were outpointed by Jamo's big guns, we'll select the man who led the shutdown of the Cubist O-flex -- Keith Bulluck. (9/86).” Bulluck, who prefers not to be called Kevin, scored 16 points and kept RB Tatum Bell (8/43) off the field by suggesting to Denver coach Mike Shanahan that it was the other Bell’s turn. Mike Bell, by the way, scored 19 points off the Cubist bench. Oops! Chambers could have also mentioned Chris Cooley (10/47) who scored a TD or Terrence McGee (10/104) who ended up with 10 points. Instead, he said, “Calling timeouts anytime before the final two minutes of the first half or the last five minutes of regulation [is a terrible piece of strategy]. Take the darn 5 yard delay of game and save the timeout, please.” Also terrible, according to Chambers, was “The shoot part of the run n' shoot offense. Four wides earned 20 total points. Ick.” The once formidable duo of Hines Ward (10/80) and Torry Holt (10/87) has really gone to the potty in the last few weeks. They played like Yanni singing Sweet Child of Mine. Overall, Chambers noted, “A truly bizarre Bull City-SF matchup. Brady & Chad go for 59, yet we hold the Cubists under 100 points? A far cry from the legendary week 16 matchup back in ought four.” Meanwhile, a steamed Moore shouted, “$%#! Mike Shanhan and last-minute Broncos running back changes. Tom Brady and Chad Johnson are great, and that's all I have to say.”
The Golden Horde 96 Syracuse 44’s 77 As Owner John Stoer settled into his seat at 1PM EST at the generic corporate sponsored name for Ravens Stadium with his foot long wiener and 32 oz plastic contained of suds, he knew something was in the air. Perhaps it was the scent of rejuvenation. He had a trio of Ravens playing and every time QB Steve “There” McNair (3/36) dropped back to pass or handed off to RB Jamal “Huey” Lewis (8/64), Stoer would hold his breath. Lewis had a fantastic day, shredding the Golden Horde D-flex for three TD’s and 25 points, his first all pro performance in eons. McNair and the third Raven of the cawing trio, Adelius Thomas (10/94) were less impressive. Meanwhile, Stoer had no idea what was happening around the league, including his other players. Had he known, he might have been pleased with former-Raven Chester “Tim” Taylor (7/64) who somehow turned two TD’s into just 11 points. The rest of the 44’s performances were as forgettable as “Any semi-famous loser who tries to belt out Take Me Out To The Ballgame at Wrigley when Harry simply did it best.” Other things that Harry did best were to say Candy Maldonado and Tanyon Sturtze as well as being the best Cubs announcer, barring Steve Stone, in the past two decades. The guys are as exciting as toast. Speaking of toast, that’s what Owner Charlie Mitchell likes to have for breakfast. And you know what other player likes toast? Why, Terrell Owens (8/85), that’s who. Why? Because you can’t spell toast without T-O! Anyway, Mitchell said that the biggest mistake that NFL coaches make in strategy is that they “They don't get the ball to TO enough, right TO? Great having you with the Horde!” Owens just smiled, shook his head, mumbled something about sycophancy, then decided to favor us with a song, "...it's so easy, when everybody's trying to please me..” In his Horde debut, Owens was mostly ignored, scoring just four points, but attracting the notice of the 44 D-flex, which plainly forgot about Larry “Bubbie” Johnson (11/164), who kvetched his way to 22 points, his fifth all-pro performance. Seneca Wallace (2/26) had his second straight acceptable performance and hit Reggie Wayne (10/99) for a TD and 13 points and threw another TD to Ben Watson (7/27), the former 44 flunky. That TD made Stoer snap like “Dane Cook on his Comic Relief 2006 performance for emboldening me to express, in the face of media censorship, [Friend] you Ben Watson! You are a [gosh darn], [mother fathering], [rooster patrolling], [fecal matter removing], turncoat and I hope that the sores and boils on your miniscule [eleventh finger] are the least of your multiple medical problems.” Watson did an elaborate dance after his touchdown, but pulled his groin in the process. Poor Watson! Of course, Stoer’s disappointment didn’t end with Watson. He said, “The Raiders allow a sack every 2.38 plays and Aaron Brooks fumbles every 5.75 snaps and Jared Allen (1/2) can't capitalize on such a juicy matchup? He's earned himself a lifetime ban from the 44's.” Yet another disappointment was Guns’n’Roses, “This is a band that should have escaped the late 80's-early 90's with REM and U2 as a supergroup. Instead their best song is Don't Cry- a tremendous song that sums up the band in one single.” And if that wasn’t enough, Stoer said, “I hate any field goal that is made from inside 20yds. Go for it or stick your opponent on the 2 yard line. Kicking is for sissies.” Wow! He had a lot to say. What about Mitchell? Yep, he had a lot to say too. For one thing, Mitchell said he “can’t understand GWAR.” He gave “Huggies to me, for cutting Lee Evans on Thursday. You showed me, Lee,” but “Pampers to Leonard Little (2/23). With Lewis traded and Merriman otherwise indisposed, Little stepped up to carry the D-Flex.” To sum up, Mitchell said, “We got rid of locker room cancer Lee Evans, not selling our souls for points, and brought in TO, a real team-first guy. The results couldn't have been better. Now we're just waiting on Merriman.” Stoer summed up things with, “We could have played better.”
County Coroners 67 Weaselicious Cookies 58 [the following recap was written by Donovan McNabb’s anterior cruciate ligament (ACL)] You know, sometimes it’s tough knowing that an entire team relies on little old me. I am just a wee bit of ligament that connects the posterio-lateral (back & outside) part of the femur to an anterio-medial (front & inside) part of the tibia. Or, if you want to get specific, I am simply the ligament that is attached to the depression in front of the intercondyloid eminence of the tibia, being blended with the anterior extremity of the lateral meniscus. Of course, when Donovan (10/190) is functioning at full capacity, no ever takes notice of his ACL, despite the way I bend and stretch to allow Donovan to accomplish his Herculean feats, such as trying to shoulder the load for not only the Cookies, but also the NFL football Eagles. When players like the league leading defender on the Coroners, London Fletcher (10/107) come crashing into me, am I just supposed to take it and bounce back? Well, I think that is a lot to ask. Did I mention that I have fibrous tissue in me? Now, Donovan usually takes pretty good care of me from Monday to Saturday, but on Sundays I have no idea what gets into his head. If you want to get technical, I am just a short band of tough fibrous connective tissue composed mainly of long, stringy collagen fibers. That being said, this week I decided to do something about my horrible Sunday situation. I should be sitting myself down in church with Mama McNabb and eating a bowl of Chunky soup. At least that’s what I usually do in the spring and summer. Enough is enough! Right? Right. I decided I wasn’t going to score anymore touchdowns this week, so when Donovan was running out of bounds, I snapped. I just went crazy. I made a sudden popping sound and I immediately began to swell. Donovan tried to stand up, but he fell over much like Ronnie Brown (10/81) trying to handle the ball. He had a wobbly feeling and we had to be carted off to visit the training room. Now, the training room I can handle. There’s nothing like the feeling of being an ACL and the whirlpool jets surrounding you. Nothing! Do I feel guilty about letting down the rest of the Cookies? Oh, not really. If Owner Dan Weitz had a backup plan, he probably would have made sure the team had a backup QB. Relying on Jake Plummer and his ACL? Not too clever. By the way, I am really impressed by Willie Parker (9/118) and his ACL. Where did they come from? That guy really amazes me, but what do I know, I am just an ACL. OK, I think I’ve said enough. Once I finish swelling, I am going to be replaced by some muscle tissue from Barbaro, so I guess this is the end of the line for me. Please take care of your ACL and don’t forget to go to church.
Week 12 previews - The Brents are the big story and they look like an unstoppable machine on their way to their first ever championship. Isn’t that what the media is supposed to do? Build up teams until they look invincible, then act shocked when they lose. Well, when the Brents do lose, it will be sort of shocking, but anything is possible, including losing to a team with the worst QB slot and who has Jon Kitna as their current starter. Apparently, Owner Will Mitchell does not want to risk Rex Grossman going to Foxboro. A wise move? We’ll wait and see. Another media penchant! In Week Three, the Brents defeated the Wookies, 89-69 behind three TD’s from Eli Manning. The Wookies still hold a 7-6 series edge and the Brents are just 3-4 in previous Week Twelves. Johnson commented, “We can't expect LT to carry the team every week. We have to keep up the pressure with a main rival in town.” Johnson has added one week Johnny, Lee Evans to the lineup, while former-Brent Wali Lundy makes his way back to the Wookie O-flex. If the Brents should stumble, the Baers or Busters could be waiting to pick up the pieces. Owner Rich Joseph, whose team won a 77-69 decision in Week Three, said, “We need to get back over the century mark this week or we'll be looking at an "L"!” Chris Hope returns to the Buster D-flex and Lavernues Coles is back. Owner Randy Chambers has not made any changes to his lineup, but said, “Being swept by Rich is simply uncomprehensible.” It may also be incomprehensible. Points in the Baers favor include the series history, led by Bull City 4-3 and the Busters 0-3 record in previous Week Twelves. The Pizza Bowl is always good for a laugh. Take this statement, made by Owner Perry Missner, before the 44’s made a flurry of trades, “Looking over the 44’s roster, I don’t see a single player from the U. How can anyone expect to win without players from the bestest, most smartest, and bestest dressed institution of higher learnings and strip clubs? As for pizza, we’re tearing it down and starting over. Dough, simple sauce, pepperoni, cheese – that’s it.” Now, the 44’s will have Kellen Winslow Jr., the granddaddy of them all. In Week Three, the 44’s beat the Envy by three points behind 50 points from Clinton Portis (graduate of the U) and Brian Westbrook (not from the U) to even the series history at 8-8. Since the week ended, Owner John Stoer has swung a pair of trades. He trade Jamal Lewis for Winslow and Javon Walker for local favorite Marvin Harrison, who is said to be very glad to leave the Stalinist regime of the Golden Horde to his former playground of Syracuse. Both players may be in the lineup along with reigning MVP Shaun Alexander. Stoer noted, “I don't know yet how I'm going to incorporate turkey and stuffing onto my pizza, but I'm making pizza this week and leftovers are going on top. Envy week and Thanksgiving may be too much for the temple that is my body, but I'm willing to sacrifice for a victory.” Missner has put newly acquired Ray Lewis into his lineup, but the rest is the sad sacks who lost in Week Eleven. The 44’s are 7-1 in previous Week Twelves. The Battle of the Bays also renews itself in Week Twelve as the Cubists and Coroners face off. The Coroners will go for a rare sweep in the series after winning in Week Three by a convincing 98-73 margin. Pulling a page out of the Cookie playbook, Owner Chad Nuss has the gap defense currently installed. Friends of Owner Jason Moore are worried what he might do to himself if he loses to another team that is only playing a lineup of ten players. Moore has tried again to understand the inner workings of Mike Shanahan. Right now Moore has tabbed Mike Bell and returns Derrick Brooks to the D-flex. The Cubists still hold a 9-6 series edge. Owner Dan Weitz and his Cookies meet the Golden Horde for the first time. Against the Blatz in Week Three, the Cookies continued their surprising start with a 92-77 victory. The Cookies are just 2-6 in Week Twelves and have yet to name a replacement for Donovan McNabb and his ACL. Jake Plummer is still on the roster. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Next week we're wearing the throwback Blatz jerseys. It’s amazing how many new folks have never worn one. We have also crept within a half game of some folks, and with a win can finally get out of 9th place, a spot we have occupied since I took over seven weeks ago.” Not too shabby. Mitchell may have the services of Javon Walker as well as Matt Hasselbeck for Week Twelve, while Terrell Owens gets another shot at Cowboy fan Weitz.
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