Brentful Brentful Brents 156 The Golden Horde 60 Stop me, oh-oh, stop me. Stop me if you�ve heard this one before! Owner Steve Johnson has his Brents firing with all cylinders and the little team from Minneapolis (although no one had thought to contract them) is making a mockery of the highest level of fantasy football competition imaginable. Of course, this is the same team that had five blowout wins in the middle of 2005 and looked to be on their way to their first ever championship when the wheels fell off and they dropped their last four games. It was inexplicable, but it was a lesson learned for Johnson. In Week Ten, he sought some vengeance on the team, if not the owner, who dealt the Brents their first loss of the season in Week One. Back when they were still the Belarussian Blatz and owner by Owner Josh Kowalske, the team was ruled very loosely (almost as if you no one was controlling them at all). Now under the reign of Comrade General Owner Charlie Mitchell (or CGOCM, if you prefer acronyms), everything is micromanaged down to the slightest detail. Wake calls are at 6:07AM precisely. The all-gray uniforms are tailored precisely one size too small. And no one disturbs the now unmasked Mitchell between 4-5 PM because is his time to unwind and relax with his friends the Golden Girls. Oh, that Blanche � what a hussy. She has a new guy each week � sort of like the QB position of the Horde, which was ably manned by Seneca Wallace (1/13) who made a positive Modano debut. Positive enough to earned him a gameball from Mitchell for valorous service and �for scoring positive points at QB.� Something the last two QB�s were unable to accomplish. Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (10/142) found the endzone and Reggie Wayne (9/86) scored the fourth and final Horde TD. Wayne is tied with Baer WR Torry Holt for the lead in WR scoring. CGOCM was not pleased by Wayne�s teammate Marvin Harrison (9/73) who scored just a point, a total equaled by the departing Jeremy Shockey (9/37) and not quite met by veteran LB Ray Lewis (9/71). The three players all disappointed Mitchell by saying they would vote against �reciprocal citizenship with EU nations� if the President tried to make it a law. All in all, the Horde could have doubled their total, but they still would have been crushed by the tsunami known as the Brents. With Carson Palmer (6/82) and LaDainian Tomlinson (9/189) facing each other, it looked they were trying to duel for Johnson�s affections. Palmer whipped three TD strikes while Tomlinson ran for four scores and his third straight game of 30 or more points. Johnson, unable to choose who struck his fancy more, split the gameball between them, �LT and Carson...score all the points you want.� It was very presidential, much like Charlie�s favorite character on 24, �the black president� otherwise known as David Palmer. The devious Johnson preferred, �That bad guy who knew the first amazing plan was just a rouse, and the second, and the third and the forth. That guy must have been smart.� It�s always smart to have a backup plan (or several, for that matter). Even with two players outscoring the Horde, Johnson kept his foot on the gas. Joseph Addai (5/45), Steven Jackson (9/100), and Ronde Barber (9/96) all missed an all-pro game by one, but Steve Smith (7/73) hit the 15 point magical plateau for his second all-pro performance. Johnson excitedly claimed, �Everyone was great. If [fellow Golden Gopher alum Laurence] Maroney (8/70) wasn't gimpy ... we would have a nice 4 headed monster.� The epic blowout was the largest in Brent franchise history, eclipsing a 135-71 win over the 44�s in 2005. Two records that the Brents just missed out on were highest total (161 by the Biers in 2004) and greatest winning margin (by one point, also to the Biers, who defeated the Coronerrs in 2003 by 97, 124-27). To sum up, Johnson said, �I'm sure he has some dozies left,� while Mitchell was on his way to see �The Departed� again because it was �fantastic� the first time. He summed up the game, thusly, �Removing the mask seems to have backfired. We were clearly less intimidating. We took a thumpin'
Peaks Island Wookies 85 P-Miss Envy 63 To say that the 2006 edition of the P-Miss Envy has been disappointing would be an understatement. Yet, despite the string of emasculating losses, Owner Perry Missner has refused to see the glass as 90% empty. He was simply sure that anything he attached his name to would be pure quality and the bounce back string of wins was just around the corner. In fact, he believed that string would start in Week Ten against the Wookies, who coming into the week had only scored 13 more points than the team with the worst record in the league. Before the game even started, Missner stunned and thrilled Envy fans by trading leading scorer WR Terrell Owens (7/81). Owens scored another TD in his final Envy performance and received a standing ovation from Missner as well as a gameball. Missner said, �It�s gotta be Terrell Owens. He was the utmost gentleman in his time here with P-Miss and we regret having to trade him. My advice is to dump your hangers-on Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders, and listen to coach Parcells more often. Maybe then you�ll see more even success with the Golden Horde, but something tells me that Charlie�s authoritarian ways and TO aren�t going to mix too well.� QB Michael Vick (3/23) scored another seven points and Thomas Jones (9/69) did something that Cedric Benson did not � scored a TD. Unfortauntely, not much else went right. Missner noted, �We�re still looking for defensive pieces. Clearly, E.J. Henderson (1/4) was not one. He�s gone.� Missner compared Henderson�s performance to the last movie he saw, �The DaVinci Code. It sucked.� The Wookie offense did not do much to distinguish itself either. RB Rudi Johnson (9/87) busted in for a TD and Jeff Wilkins (9/87) had another double-digit game against the Envy. Owner Will Mitchell was not impressed by �Deion Branch (6/38) and [Jon] Kitna (2/14) � not really Kitna but in comparison to the mighty Rex [Grossman � 26 points] on the bench�sheesh.� Mitchell compared Kitna to his favorite character on 24, �Gotta be his girl.� Apparently, he hasn�t seen much of the show, unlike Missner who said, �My favorite all time is David Palmer�s son, Keith (or Keif, if you prefer), but he hasn�t been around since the beginning of Season Two (Dr. Ferragamo!). Now, my favorite is Curtis. He always looks like he is holding in his gas. Toward the end of Season Five, they had in the script that he was supposed to smile. It was clearly out of his acting range.� The difference between the two teams was the D-flex. Mitchell had his squad going like �an attack on Iran and North Korea � which would probably get me and my children drafted into world war three and then nuked.� Champ Bailey (1/10) and Lofa Tatupu (9/70) equaled the Envy D-flex, but Julius Peppers raised his game on Monday night and scored a season high 20 points for his third all-pro performance. Mitchell gave him the gameball and called him �Julius � I almost got traded for a guy who got suspended � Peppers.� Mitchell, whose team improved to 2-6 in Week Tens, noted, �Sorry to keep you down Perry � you deserve better than 1-9.� For just a moment, Missner shot Mitchell a sour look and mumbled to himself, �I am not impressed by the Wookies � at all. They are barely outscoring us and they have six more wins to show for it. This is a dumb sport.�
Syracuse 44�s 102 County Coroners 86 It has been a common tactic for Owner John Stoer to add a Raider to his lineup when facing the County Coroners, just to needle his old friend and fellow Owner Chad Nuss. It seemed to work all right in Week One, when Stoer started Randy Moss and Kirk Morrison, who combined for nine points and contributed in their own special way to the 118-73 win. In Week Ten, Stoer decided not to play Moss and Morrison had jumped sides and was now on the Coroners. Did it work? Well, let�s take a look. The 44�s got out to a quick lead via Steve McNair (2/32), who bounced back from a poor Week Nine performance after a bionic adjustment. Stoer gave the gameball to �the Bionic one� for his 24 points and three TD�s. So enthralled was Stoer that he invited McNair along with his �Dad to see Miami Vice on his birthday and while I felt that it was not Michael Mann's best effort, my Dad loved it so it was worth the $20 bucks.� McNair, who did not sit with Stoer and his father but did buy them both Goobers, said he preferred Don Johnson to Colin Farrell, but �that Jamie Foxx. Damn.� Moss�s replacement, Javon �Post� Walker (5/37) scored a TD (and not from the bench) and the 44�s finally got their first tightend touchdown from former-Envy TE Heath Miller (8/33). As for disappointment, Stoer looked to �Marcus Washington (9/56) and the entire Redskin organization.� Washington did not compare to his fellow D-flex mates, Adelius Thomas (9/90) and Will Witherspoon (8/74), who had his first all-pro game of the season. While Nuss was alarmed by the disparity between McNair and his own QB, Marc Bulger (4/64), who had four points, he didn�t let it stop his team�s ground game. Willie Parker (8/102) had his best game of the season with two TD�s and 26 points. It was his fourth all-pro game, tying him with Larry Johnson for second most as a running back (behind Tomlinson�s seven). Ronnie Brown (9/84) scored a TD and Darrell Jackson (6/60) hit double digits due to his entering the zone at the end of the field. Replacement kicker David Akers (3/24) also did not disappoint with nine points and London Fletcher-Baker (9/98), the league�s leading defensive player, had another nine points. By the way, Courtney Anderson (9/14) who usually doesn�t score, did not score. Heading into Monday, the Coroners had a 15 point deficit and second year player Cadillac Williams left to play. Stoer commented that an all-pro day by Williams would be as disappointing as the President �increasing the sales tax on beer though gas wouldn't be great either.� Williams, who is of no relation to Greg �Cadillac� Anderson, was not up to the task and scored -1. Stoer said that Nuss was a good rival, but nothing like Jack Bauer�s �Nina. Every hero needs an equal anti-hero. They should never have killed her off.� Stoer, whose team started the same QB for consecutive weeks for the first time since Weeks One through Three (all wins), said, �I'm stunned to have beaten the Coroners twice this year since I think his roster is better than mine at virtually every starting spot [like that matters]. 10 weeks in and I still feel that only the Bretts and their embarrassment of riches have a better roster. Fortune, with the aid of The Bionic One, smiled on the 44's this week.�
Bull City Baers (sp?) 91 Weaselicious Cookies 82 Apparently, Owner Dan Weitz performs best, much like every movie sport team, when they chips are stacked against him. In Week Nine, he was without his MVP-caliber QB Donovan McNabb (9/191) and left a gaping hole in the D-flex to confuse the opponent. In Week Ten, McNabb was back from his week at the spa and the gap was filled by DeMarco Ryans (3/19). The result? Not quite as good. Of course, the competition was better in that Owner Randy Chambers had studied hours of game film and had his team prepared to ignore the gap and score some TD�s. QB Drew Brees (9/146) had another solid outing with a TD and 19 points. It was his fifth all-pro performance. Just imagine if some idiot drafting one place before Chambers had decided to select Brees instead of the highly disappointing guy he went with � everything would be cookies and nuts! Of course, that would be a world in which the president �would learn to speak in English so I can understand him.� Apparently, Chambers does not understand Texan. New recruit Frank Gore (8/69) appeared to be comfortable in a Baer uniform and scores his first all-pro game (with 16 points) since Week One. WR Hines Ward (9/75) overcame some poor performances with a TD, but the real fireworks started with the Baer D-flex. Keith Bulluck (8/70) scored a fine eight, but Terrence Trent Mc'Gee (9/94) went to the end zone wishing well for 19 points and his second all-pro game. McGee shouted in four octaves after hearing that he had received the gameball. All was not well, however, for the Cubists. First, Reggie Williams (5/9) did not score for the fourth straight week. Journalists were investigating if Williams, �who played like the former Clipper� had pictures of Chambers in compromising positions to keep his starting slot. Even more concerning that pictures of Chambers in compromising positions was Clinton Portis (8/80), who claimed a broken hand injury and refused to score more than one point for the Baers. Chambers may have to quell a Portis tantrum, perhaps by taking him to see �Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Since I leave the children in the hands of the neighborhood teenagers about once a year to visit the cinema, I give all movies I see two big thumbs up.� The Cookies had their chances to attain victory, even with McNabb scoring just 13 points. Deuce McAllister (5/35) led the team with his first all-pro game of 16 points and James Farrior (9/77) contributed 11 to the D-flex, but it was a litany of threes that knocked the Cookies back down to .500. Apparently, another four game winning streak is not in store after the four game losing streak was snapped in Week Nine. Chambers, whose team improved to 7-2 in Week Tens and have won four of their last five games, said, �I guess I will just go the whole year without my number one running back. We'll see if we can keep winning that way. Argh.�
San Francisco Cubists 105 The Ballbusters 58 [The following was written by Detta Walker, star of the second book of Stephen King�s Dark Tower series, called The Drawing of the Three. As a side note, if you�d like to hear something amusing, look for the audio edition of this book and hear King � who narrates his own book � read Detta�s parts. It�s excellent.] Now, I ain�t be knowing a whole lot of things, but if there be one thing I know for sho, it�s that Owners Jason Moore and Rich Joseph is a pair of honk mahfahs. I knows they is afraid of Miss Detta Walker who might want to go back and do something with them both, but they probably prefer to suck each other�s little bitty white candles. [Cackling] Little bitty white candles! Sho� �nough. Of course, when it comes to little bitty white candles, there ain�t no one smaller than Peyton Manning (9/193). Oh, sho�, he good for months like September and October, but when the winds start whistlin� and the cold comes out for good, it takes a she-bitch like Detta Walker to stand up, not some shrively, chicken-squawkin� nut with a girl�s name. Course, none of the other Ball Busters [cackles again] was doin� much for Detta as there was no scorin� goin� on. I nevah seen such crappiness like Mike Furrey (2/4), who ain�t got nothin� between his legs. Now, fo� graymeat, Tom Brady (9/124) ain�t so bad. Course, Jamo� say he like the Kim Bauer bazoobies, but look what ole Detta got here, Jamo�. Don�t be �fraid, Mahfah! He not score any mo� than girly-name, but he mo� of a leadah, if youse know what I is saying. He be throwin� the ball all night long! Yeah! And them darkmeat on the Cubists, runnin� and catchin� the ball. Oh yeah! Come over here to Detta, Chad Johnson (I�se like that name � Johnson) and Donald Driver (even better! Drivah!)! They�se know what to do when they see some fine morsel like Detta sashayin� herself along the ballfield. They give it to Detta with big scores (29 for Johnson, 18 for Driver) just the way I�se likes it. Now, it could be that Detta could gives the congratulations to Moore for achievin� some ninety of them victories of his career, but I�d�ve aks him somethin� else. Why can�t he git over the top of the hill (.500, that is). It used to be that the Cubists could pound stuff all night long, just like Detta is used to doin�. C�mon Mahfah! Win for Detta � I mean you�se ain�t had no blowouts since 2005 (Week 11) � Detta can�t go that long without no blowouts! But it must be said that Moore can have Detta any time because he scored in the triple digits for the first time. Whew! That�s the way to do it, honk mahfah. Every team in the league scores in triple digits (�cept one, but I ain�t even gonna mention how itty bitty the candle on that ownah must be). All�s I can say is that this is a bunch of foolishness and Detta out.
Week 11 previews - The Brentful Brents are rolling and it�s hard to imagine that abominable P-Miss Envy can stand in their way. Owner Steve Johnson�s team has scored 300 more points than the Envy over ten weeks and scored 100+ in five straight weeks (the record for 100+ is seven by the Busters in 2003), while the Envy have yet to top 90. About the only thing that could hold the Brents, who are 5-2 in previous Week Elevens, back is if Johnson gets cocky and decides to start franchise destroyer QB Brent Farf, who has been pleasantly absent from Modano scoresheets this season. Oh, what a mistake that would be. Johnson also noted, �Meeting the comish with LT at Denver. Never good.� Of course, he didn�t mention his legion of other players who are better than the Envy players and helped the team to a 85-70 Week Two win to push the Brents series edge to 8-5. Lance Briggs returns to the Brent D-flex, the best in the league, to replace Aaron Kampman. A wise move. Owner Perry Missner looked at the scoresheet and gulped, �Good lord. This is truly David vs. Goliath. While I liked to pretend that we have a Snoball�s chance in Jared from Subway�s house, we will need to be extremely fortunate to come out with a win. By the way, we finally have a real tightend on board. Thank you to the U.� When a person starts thanking Miami University in Florida, you know things are dire. By game time, the Envy should have a different tlook with the aforementioned Jeremy Shockey and Chris Chambers coming on board. This week�s defensive replacement is Antonio Pierce and Muhsin Muhammed is back in the O-flex. The other 7-3 team, the Peaks Island Wookies have a more difficult task to stay up on top, the 6-4 Ballbusters. In Week Two, the Chowdah Bowl was won by the Wookies, 102-79 behind big games from Drew Bledsoe and Rudi Johnson to overcome a big day from Peyton Manning. Bledsoe is now at home with his barrel of chowder and Owner Will Mitchell has reinserted QB Rex Grossman, who plays for the second consecutive week at the Meadowlands. Mitchell, whose team leads the series 4-3, said, �Gotta go against evil Peyton. Another tough battle down the stretch now where it counts�� Owner Rich Joseph will be without one his main weapons, TE Tony Gonzalez, but has an able replacement in L.J. Smith. Just one game behind the leaders, the Syracuse 44�s take on the Golden Horde in a match that features owners hoping to welcome back some Seahawks. In Owner John Stoer�s case, his Seattle guy is reigning MVP Shaun Alexander. He noted, �Great, T.O. joins the Colts wideouts and LJ just in time. Let's hope the MVP can get back on the field and give us a good performance. If not we are going to need our RB's to get in the freakin' end zone. This may be the week that the new Bus- Brandon Jacobs- gets his first PT. We'll see.� Ladell Betts and Jared Allen make their debuts in their respective flexes. In Week Two, the 44�s won behind a balanced offensive scoring attack and a 24-point day by Adelius Thomas. Owner Charlie Mitchell (CGOCM) is hoping Matt Hasselbeck feels good enough to play after a QB rotation that did not work out so well. Terrell Ownes should have passed his physical by then (as long as there is no psychological profile included) and Owen Daniels could get a starting nod for the Horde. Ray Lewis has been replaced by Leonard Little. Two teams that know something about winning championships and are not completely without hope for this year�s throne meet when longtime rivals the Baers and Cubists meet. Owner Randy Chambers said, �It's the rare Baer-Cubist duel that does not affect the top of the standings, but it's even rarer to have one without the specter of the official mascot of ESPN, T.O. himself. What a pleasure.� Owner Jason Moore, whose team got whomped in Week Two by an 84-58 margin, has not changed his lineup, but Chambers has elevated Frank Gore to the RB slot and moved Donte� Stallworth back into the O-flex. Moore said, �Time to end any crazy hopes RC has of coming back to win the league.� WR Reggie Williams will be vying for his fifth straight naught. The series is tied at eight apiece. Finally, we have two bottom dwellers who have been quite competitive this year. The Cookies and Coroners have the two worst winning percentages in Modano history, but both are treading water close to the even mark at this point. Owner Dan Weitz is reemploying his gap style defense, but that may not last through Sunday this time. Owner Chad Nuss has yet to make any lineup changes. In Week Two, the Cookies won behind big performances from Donovan McNabb and Nate Kaeding, while the Coroners used the Week Two loss to springboard into a four game winning streak. The Coroners lead the series 10-5.
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