Weaselicious Cookies 88 Bull City Baers (sp?) 70 - Every year starts the same for Owner Dan Weitz. He shows up for the draft, drafts early in the round, makes some crude remarks at the expense of the Deputy Commissioner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, and watches his team quickly fade away from respectability, whether in the name of family squabbles, anger management, or general ineptitude. However, in 2006, Weitz spent all summer training (i.e. saying the prayers, taking the vitamins, complaining that there are no hot neighbors to use his telescope with to spot in various stages of undress, etc.) and when he looked at his squad as they donned the yellow and brown of Weaselicious, he felt something new, something odd, and something delightful: confidence. Maybe his best move was to allow QB Donovan McNabb to call his own plays. When healthy, there are few players in Modano history who produce like the artist formerly known as D-Cup, now he is a gameball earner called �D�Nabb, as we say in the hood.� McNabb cut through the Baer (sp?) defense like a hog with smell of scrapple in his nose. Donovan did not ignore his crew of RB�s either, handing off to Julius Jones and Fred Taylor for a TD apiece and 25 points between them (equaling the QB�s total). The Jones TD was especially irksome to Owner Randy Chambers, a hater of all things cow-related (except cheese � Chambers loves cheese, especially unpasteurized soft cheese like brie or edam). It�s nearly as annoying as �Having two freakin' conservative Republican U.S. Senators is slightly worse than the millions of Tar Heel fans, the summer heat, and the hurricane season.� The Baers (sp?) did get off to a pleasant start with Hines Ward scoring a Thursday TD (even though his production was balanced by Cookie LB James Farrior). The Baer D also stepped up with Keith Bulluck and Terrence McGee combining for 27 points. Chambers refused to give them the D-flex the gameball though, handing it to practice squad player Donte� Stallworth, who scored a TD from the bench. Perhaps his stubbornness was caused by 2005 MVP Shaun Alexander going scoreless, but there was really no reason for his next comment: �Saints & Cardinals. You heard it hear first -- both will make the playoffs.� That�s what we call using the projected 16-0 pace after Week One in the NFL incorrectly. Chambers continued to use the projected record when he noted, �Broncos [will regress]. Already calling for Plumber's head, after the 2005 season he had. It ain't fair.� As much as we kid him, Chambers had to be disappointed and confused after Monday night when his �Skins lost to Brad Johnson and his mates. Making matters worse, The Baers (sp?) could not overcome a 15 point deficit despite having their TE, and O-flex and D-flex member playing. Chambers commented on instant reaction sports radio, �Al Saunders [was lousy]. We pay $2mm for a new O-coordinator, and not a single player gets in the f#$%ing endzone after Heinz? They played like toilet water.� In order to calm the waters outside the toilet, Skins owner Daniel Snyder called his fellow franchise owner and reminded him that the Baers (sp?) also lost in Week One last year before reeling off six straight wins. Chambers still added, �Important advice from me: ignore the advice from the little FFL blurbs on your players. I say Donte' because one of them said it'd take him a while to get his rhythm with Philly. I cannot imagine him getting much more rhythm than he had Sunday! Of course, if I had not been staring at TomKat in the Danny's box, I would have noticed that Dan was playing McNabb, and Donte' could have neutralized him. My hat's off to Dan. I guess we were not ready for the regular season.� Meanwhile, the Cookies � with the help of replacement K Nate Kaeding�s nine points on Monday � achieved their 50th franchise win and helped erase some of the memories of the 2004 Week 87-161 drubbing they took at the hands of the Biers (sp?). The Cookies are now 5-4 in Week Ones and Weitz commented, �While I am not much of a drinker, I can tell you that Miller Lite sells better in this area.� Interesting. He then predicted doom for his fellow Riponite, �nothing personal only because he took over for that weak [mammary gland] Einar but I have to say the Blatz. Einar as special enforcer, lol the kid couldn�t beat up his own shadow. Why you ducking me, Einar?�
Belarussian Blatz 88 Brentless Brents 63 - (Green Bay, WI � AP, Reuters) A man who took the game of football to dizzying heights of spectacularity and inbrededness made his way to the podium on September 13, 2006 to make a solemn announcement. �I am retiring,� said Brent Farf, long time quarterback of the Green Bay Packers after his team was demolished on infamous (from the exploits of the ghosts of Mossy Cade and James Lofton) Lambeau Field. �Clearly, I was drunk or possibly my IQ dropped below my usual imbecile level some time during the summer for me to come back and think this team, with these players, would be competitive. I should have quit ten years ago when I started hinting at retirement just to get more media attention focused on me. I�d like to thank Owner Steve Johnson for drafting me and Owner Josh Kowalske for picking me up after Johnson cut me for a third string running back. Now, if you don�t mind I am going to go drink myself into a stupor on both Budweiser and Miller Lite (because like me, they both �suck massively like piss water, although some people tell me that a dark wheat has flavor�). Farf�s all-too-expected announcement overshadowed what as a less than competitive game. Kowalske used the unusual tactic of winning on yards with only one TD coming from TE Jeremy Shockey. Matt Hasselbeck�s (8 points) inability to score in the red zone led to a ten point day from Josh Brown. The Blatz D-flex, comprised of season vets like Ray Lewis and Derrick Brooks, combined for 31 points and former Brent Larry Johnson, Marvin Harrison, and Dominic Rhodes all scored seven or more points without the aid of a TD. As for the Brents, the offense seemed to implode on the news that WR Steve Smith would be unavailable. Carson Palmer only scored a point and third string running back Wali Lundy had but two. Johnson was particularly perturbed by the fact that �his area was way too suburban, no culture, and too many strip malls� and that Chris Brown did not make �so much os his Final year of the contract, Show-other-teams-I-can-make-it-thru-the-season toughness. He can't even make it through a game. I never want to see that bum again.� Brown was summarily cut for a much better player. After the Sunday putridness, Johnson surmised that his team had regressed the most from 2005 to 2006, but thought the Coroners might have improved a great deal. The one silver lining was the play of LaDainian Tomlinson who kept the score from blowout status with his all-pro 15 points on Monday against the hapless Raiders. Tomlinson received a gameball for his efforts and Johnson quipped, �he was the only one who remotely deserved it.� An solemn Johnson also noted, �LJ and Hass both can't do crap and LT goes off. Even Jackson did something, but everyone else on the roster couldn't get on the field without shitting all over themselves. The (former)#1 QB plays it as not to hurt anyone�s feelings and the (former) #1 receiver can�t bare a little bit of pain for the team. Disgusting.� After the game, Johnson and Kowalske share a drink at the Packer pub and tried to remember a time when their team was at least somewhat competitive.
San Francisco Cubists 84 The Ballbusters 77- It is always interesting to observe equal and opposite forces of nature at work. Such forces could be observed when the Cubists and Busters met in Week One. On one hand, the Busters had beaten the Cubists in five of their first six meetings. On the other hand, the Busters had opened their first three seasons in Modano competition with a loss. Which streak would win out? Or, would they cancel each other out, creating a tie? The Cubists took the early upper hand behind nine points from LB Zach Thomas on Thursday. The Cubists continued to push things to the limit after QB Tom Brady, WR Terrell Owens, and gameball earning RB Mike Bell each broke double-digits. Brady�s job should be fairly secure with backup QB Jake Plummer issuing a negative seven. Reggie Bush made his debut with seven points and Larry Fitzgerald had eight from the flex. Alge Crumpler also caught a TD pass and scored seven. However, there were some holes in Owner Jason Moore�s gameplan, similar to the annoying plan to have �Garbage pick-up on my block three times a week.� Much like the Baers (sp?) from 2005 to 2006, it looked like Reuben Droughns regressed. K Jason Elam also had a rare off day with just four points. However, the defensive strategy of the Cubists seemed to slow down QB Peyton Manning, who generally goes off when he smells a Cubist. He had just 12 points, somehow using his one TD to split between Anquan Boldin and Tony Gonzalez, who combined for 21 points. Meanwhile, backup QB Michael Vick had 19 points � do I hear a controversy brewing? Buster K Adam Vinatieri also had a fine day, overcoming his broken foot for 14 points. Eddie Kennison scored one point and was put down after the game. Somehow Owner Rich Joseph coaxed a pair of eights out of a two Packers who had no business being on the gridiron. Joseph still had an excellent feeling going into Monday night that his team could steal the win and overcome the burdensome Oh-fer record in opening weeks. He had two offensive jewels in Lamont Jordan and Santana Moss going with a five point deficit and Donnie Edwards to overcome. The duet of Busters did combine for the needed six points, but that was all, and Edwards scored eight of his own, ending any Buster hopes. The Ballbusters fell to a league worst 2-7 in games decided by less than ten points. Moore noted, despite having the lowest score to win, �I prefer Budweiser to Miller Lite (which makes me belch something awful) and Donnie Edwards came up big on Monday night, outscoring Jordan and Moss combined. No all-pro performances, but pretty consistent scoring, and we will take any win we can get against the Ballbusters. I also think the 44�s will improve a great deal from their 8-8-1 record in 2005.�
Syracuse 44�s 118 County Coroners 73 - If there is one thing that Owner John Stoer loves to do, it�s to tweak his opponent. He�ll pull out a player from their favorite team (i.e. Kirk Morrison), make a pointed comment that seems like it is positive (like naming the Coroners as the team most likely to improve) but works out other ways, or yells out just as his opponent is about tee off. Now, some people would call these tactics poor sportsmanship, but when you are playing at the highest level of the game � like all Modano owners do � then you simply must use everything you can to your advantage. In Week One of 2006, Stoer did not have to resort to any of his usual shenanigans as his team just brutalized the poor County Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss got his team running to an early advantage with a pair of Thursday night players � Ronnie Brown scoring 16 on a couple of short yardage dives and Willie Parker scoring seven on yards. The Coroners continued to play well in early Sunday games as London Fletcher scored a defensive TD to hit for 18 points. Just as Fletcher scooped up the TD, the 44 machine began to rumble. Jamal Lewis overcame media criticism as an unwarranted first round pick and bludgeoned his way into the endzone for 11. Brian Westbrook took a McNabb pass to pay dirt and scored an all-pro worthy 15. Stoer used unlikely scoring sources � called Arizona and San Francisco � to push the 44 lead into the insurmountable category. Kurt Warner led all scorers in Week One with 26 points on three TD�s and in the same game Frank Gore score 19 points on two TD�s. Stoer gave the gameball to Gore because �had better numbers but Gore was more of a surprise.� While Warner was going off, Coroner QB Jake Delhomme was going under. Without his security blanket (Steve Smith) Delhomme looked like the confused Southerner and went without a point. Is it possible that Delhomme�s parents were related? Nah. Despite the 33 points deficit heading into Monday, the always optimistic Nuss thought his team, led by three Raiders, could overcome not only the deficit but the three 44�s playing as well. Nuss had planned to shut down Chester Taylor and let Morrison and Moss�s allegiance come through. Only Stoer had one more trick up his sleeve as he substituted a supposedly injured Clinton Portis for Taylor � a move that left Nuss discombobulated. This discombobulation filtered its way to the Raiders, who went scoreless including two naughts by perennial naught Courtney Anderson and K Sebastian Janakowski. Meanwhile, Portis scored a TD to give the 44�s a triflexa and Moss actually ran out all of his decoy routes. A tired Stoer, who had stayed up to watch all of the late Monday action, said, �A balanced effort. Good start. Oh, and tourists are annoying and Bud is way better [than Miller Lite]. They sponsor the World Cup.�
Peaks Island Wookies 85 P-Miss Envy 75- Owners Will Mitchell and Perry Missner are getting to know each other pretty well. Their respective team�s played in baseball two weeks ago, then the Wookies met the Envy, followed by another baseball matchup in the semifinals as the Homers meet the Evyl Empear. Of course, baseball and football have nothing to do with each other, but we were just trying to comment on the familiarity of the combatants. If this were chess, the Envy would be white because they made the first move. Daunte Culpepper made his non-Bear debut on Thursday in an inconsistent affair. He showed some zip on his fastball, but threw two late interceptions that caused Missner to cry (or possibly turn over in his sleep). Missner said, �I am going to be like Nick Saban and be crazily positive, no matter the outcome. Yes, Daunte did not play especially well, but his fourth quarter interceptions were because he is such a winner that he refuses to compete at anything less than the highest level. (Huh?)� Thursday did feature an Envy highlight though as TE Heath Miller ran and ran and ran, and was awarded for all his running with a TD and 12 points. Missner noted, �maybe he did step out of bounds, but I flipped on the TV to see what the score was and saw Miller run away from the Dolphin defense. At that point, I thought I had a chance, even though I did not like what I saw from Culpepper in the first half.� Troy Polamalu did more than his share of overcoming the two-to-one odds with 11 Thursday night points of his own. On Sunday, the focus shifted to the Wookies and their start backfield and kicker. Rudi Johnson (12 points) kept the ball away from Chad Johnson (3 points) and Drew Bledsoe overcame inaccuracy troubles to score a TD and five points. Neither offensive flex was stellar as the two three player units combined for 21 points. P.U. Edgerrin James equaled the Wookie O-flex with ten points, while the Envy O-flex was offset by Plaxico Burress�s 11 points. The aforementioned kicker, Jeff Wilkins, just kept booting figgies to the total of 19 points, equaling the 2005 record set by then Wookie Neil Rackers. Rackers is now a Envy member and he scored 10 points of his own. Continuing the theme of tough decisions, Missner said, �Well, one is the king of beers and the other tastes great and is less filling. How to choose? They both look the horse piss to me.� Ah, horse piss � a recurrent theme. Missner continued to talk although it seemed as if no one was listening. When reporters took the time to take notes on his comments, they sounded something like this, �I don�t have any major complaints, but I am pretty sure the previous owner was a lightbulb salesman because every fixture requires a different type of lightbulb. I think we need about ten different types. Annoying! Seattle Seahawks will regress. It wasn�t just that they looked mediocre against the Lions on Sunday. I don�t think Alexander is going to be super productive again and their passing game is only fair. Their defense won�t be able to stop teams effectively either. But the Cleveland Browns will improve. I think their defense will coalesce and they will be able to control the clock on offense.� That man can ramble. On Monday night, the Envy faced a 25 point bulge and Antonio Gates, but Shawne Merriman did his damnedest to get the Envy back into the game. His 18 point performance caused Mitchell�s jaw to drop and billfold to open with a quick trade offer for a broken down, TD scavenger. Gates� seven points were enough to hold off the Envy and snap P-Miss�s two year Week One winning streak. Always ready with a quote, Missner summarized the game like so, �While it�s never good to lose, my team usually starts hot and fades or starts slow and comes together. I prefer the latter. Also, when I start the season off well, I always think of poker: when I won the first hand, I�d usually have a lousy night for the rest. If I didn�t win the first hand, I might break even. Will got his TD�s and added field goals rather than PAT�s afterward.�
Week 2 previews There is a chance that four teams could head into Week Three with undefeated records. Many things would have to fall in place for that to happen. There is also a chance that there will only be one undefeated team after Week Two. The one thing we can state with certainty is that either Brents or Envy will notch their first win. Last year, the Envy started out hot by squashing the Brents in Week One. That broke a four game Brent winning streak. Owner Steve Johnson reaped his revenge in Week Ten with a blowout of his own. Both teams have made slight adjustments to their lineups, trying to give some Stoer-like tweaking to their opponent. Owner Perry Missner is giving Joe Horn a start after he saw what Bernard Barrien and Muhsin Muhammed did to the Packers in Week One. He also hopes that Shelton Quarles can rebound from a certain injury that kept him out of the Week One contest (anyone want to guess? That�s right a strained groin). Johnson for his part has inserted former Envy-keeper Steve Smith into the lineup as well as Laurence Maroney, Brandon Jacobs, and impressive Bear Lance Briggs. The Brents lead the series history 7-5. The only battle of undefeateds in Week Two pits two of the top scoring teams from Week One � the 44�s and Blatz. Owner John Stoer has been busy on the waiver wire, almost making as many moves as any other two teams combined. Most of the moves have been made to strengthen the bench, although it looks as if LB Will Witherspoon will start. At this point, Chester Taylor is in for Clinton Portis, but that will probably change many times before gametime. Owner Josh Kowalske has yet to make any changes to his lineup. The teams split in 2005 with the Blatz earning an 11 point victory in Week Nine and the 44�s running up the score for a 50 point win in Week Seventeen. Stoer commented, �Hope to keep it up against the tough Blatz and an eager LJ.� Week One�s surprise team, the Weaselicious Cookies hope to run their record to 2-0 for the first time since 2003 and the second time in franchise history against the Coroners. This may be easier said than done because the Cookies have dropped the last four meetings and the Coroners own a 10-4 series edge. Neither team has made any changes to their lineup. While it is not first in the lineup sheet, the always interesting battles between winners of all but one Modano championship, the Cubists and Baers (sp?) is on the docket for Week Two. Owner Randy Chambers said, �Fortunately, I don't worry about us getting up for the Cubists. Until their mathematically eliminated, the championship always runs through the Cube. The real question is: will he play Terribly Obnoxious against the Skins on Sunday night? Where do thy loyalties lie, my friend!!� If the past is any indication, TO will be strutting his stuff for the Cubists on Sunday night. Last year, the Baers (sp?) won both contests but it is only fair to note that the Cubists swept in 2004. Could this game be the barometer for the 2006 championship? The Cubists lead the series 8-7. Both owners have made one slight change to their lineups. Owner Jason Moore substituted Tatum Bell for Mike Bell and Chambers sat Brandon Lloyd and replaced him with Donte� Stallworth. Interesting. On a cool, Fall day such as today, there are few things that are as satisfying as a nice, steaming bowl of chowdah. And so it is, that the 2006 Chowdah Bowl (part one of two) takes place in Week Two when chowdahhead Owners Will Mitchell and Rich Joseph try to determine who loves the Pats more. At this point, the Busters have a hole in their lineup where Eddie Kennison (who was put down) used to be. Joseph has inserted TJ Houshmandzadeh into the lineup and Santana Moss is sitting. Mitchell has made no changes, as of yet. The two northeastern based teams have a 3-3 series history and last they split the series. You know what that means? Chowdah for everyone!
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