The Setting: The Green Bay VFW (Veteran of Foreign Wars) Hall was chosen by our humble champion. Unfortunately, the scent of cheese and broccoli soup has lured almost every Green Bay resident out of the hovels and shacks. The convention hall is filled to the brim with saddest, skuzziest, ugliest, worst smelling throng ever assembled. They are noisy too. At first, there is no rhyme or reason to the noise, but the people seem to be all saying the same thing. Again and again, the same two syllables are heard, but it is hard to get a sense of what language the horde is speaking. Gibberish? Gobbledygook? As the noise rises, so does the smell. Then clapping starts and the syllables are becoming aligned.
Awful Smelling Horde: Nure! Nure! Nure!
[There is a small opening in the horde where one man stands, but it is hard to see who he is. The noise crescendos.]
ASH: Nure! Nure! Nure!
The Man: Quiet please � I have an announcement.
[The horde instantly obeys and all is quiet. The man jumps on the stage but it is still too dark to make out his features. He taps the microphone � ear crunching feedback resounds through the hall.]
TM: Hello? Hello?!? I�m glad to be-- Hello? Can everybody hear me? Please raise your hands in the back if you can�t hear me.
[Confused by these simple commands, the horde begins to clap again and shout rhythmically � it sound something like this]
ASH: Nure! Nure! Nure!
[Unsure what to do, the man lifts his hands again for silence � and there is silence.]
TM: Lights please.
[Two white hot spotlights illuminate the man and he is Deputy Commissioner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, also known as the unofficial Mayor of Green Bay.]
Steve �the Einar� Olsen: Good afternoon. Welcome to the 2006 Year End Awards Banquet and Ceremony. Since all of the broccoli cheese soup is gone-
[The crowd boos and hisses.]
SEO: All right, all right. Calm down, people. You are from Green Bay � behave like it.
ASH: Nure! Nure! Nure!
SEO: Sadly, Commissioner Todd Tugwell will not be able to join us this year and he will not be able to serenade us with Whitesnake, Whitney Houston, or his special medley of songs from Broadway Musicals.
ASH: Nure! Nure! Nure!
SEO: No, no friends, I can�t and won�t sing, but I would like to introduce my co-host for the ceremony.
[The spotlights move from the stage to the entrance and what looks like a cadaver with a skinny, wired microphone is propped up.]
SEO: Mr. Bob Barker and his special Barker beauty for the evening, NESN�s Hazel Mae!
Bob Barker: Hello. Spin the wheel. Don�t forget to spay or neuter your pets. Good night, everybody.
SEO: Bob � remember you agreed to co-host the Modano Mi Hermano Awards Ceremony in Green Bay, Wisconsin?
ASH: Green Bay! Yeah!
BB: I never touched any of Barker�s beauties! They�re liars!
Hazel Mae: It�s true � he never touched me. I am more of a Cam Neely kind of gal anyway.
SEO: Please, Bob, just read the card.
BB: I never said, �Come on down!� That was Johnny. Did you say there wasn�t anymore soup?
SEO: Oh, Bob. Why did you retire? You�ve clearly lost your direction-
HM: [stealing Barker�s thunder] Perry Missner, come on down!
ASH: Boo!
[A clearly creeped out Missner makes his way to the stage � not making eye contact with anyone. The stench is nearly unbearable for him. He has been told many times that he is not welcome in Green Bay and the feeling seems to be mutual. Fortunately, Missner is shadowed by his newly hired bodyguard, Curtis from 24.]
ASH: Hiss!
Perry Missner: All right, all right! Don�t make me send Curtis after you!
[Curtis tries to crack a smile, but it is beyond his acting range. He then mock threatens the nearest stinky hooligan, send a shiver through the crowd. Intimidation Curtis can do, but happiness? Impossible.]
BB: Tell us young man, what did you learn this season?
PM: Well, I learned many things. First, if someone in the league has to come in last, it may as well be me because I know I�ll keep trying. Second, I learned that sports are better without announcers. They don�t have anything to tell me that I haven�t already heard 100 times. It�s too bad that Troy Aikman was shot and killed at this ceremony a few years ago because if I had to unmute the TV, I might learn that his zombie corpse had returned from the dead just to begin every sentence with �yeah.�
HM: Wow, that�s quite a statement. How do you feel about women announcing sports?
PM: You? Excellent. Suzy Kolber? Less so. Linda Cohen? Yikes!
HM: Thanks. Now who are you bringing back next year?
PM: After a long talk with both my priest and my therapist, I have decided to bring back Willis McGahee (for the third year), Edgerrin James, and Cedric Benson. Benson and Jones were neck and neck, but I prefer the hard hitting style of Benson. Matt Leinart was also a possibility, but QB�s not named Daunte are a dime a dozen. Daunte isn�t even a halfpenny.
SEO: Interesting picks, but I think you are in for another last place finish. McGahee and James were lousy last year and Benson will probably have to share his carries again next year. Where�s the green and gold on the roster?
[Upon the mention of green and gold, the ASH goes berserk. So much so that Curtis has to launch himself into the crowd, taking out Packer fan after Packer fan with his variety of killing methods. He does this until the crowd swarms him under and he disappears forever (or until his guest spot on The Unit). Missner tiptoes to his protected box seat.]
BB: Charlie Mitchell! C�mon down! You�re the next contestant on the � where are we?
Charlie Mitchell: Hi everybody. I stoked to be here at my first award ceremony. I have been accompanied by Tommy Chong - his arrest and prosecution helped humiliate the Department of Justice as much as any of my work on the PATRIOT ACT. I was in the crowd three years ago, but it is an amazing event with amazing people like you, Hazel Mae.
HM: [blushing] Aw, I am not amazing. I�m just doing what I do. Tell me, what did you learn in your first year in the league?
CM: I learned a lot about the Belarusian people and their strong sense of pride. I learned that dictatorial style coaching (see Tom Coughlin) is not a recipe for success, and loosened up a bit late in the season with the additions of TO and Merriman. That influenced my decision to move the franchise out of Belarus. You may notice I brought the entire team in town tonight, though some are off at a strip club. That was the ruse we used to get them out of the country - attending an awards ceremony. Now we can never return. I am pleased to announce that we have a new home, and name, however. In 2007, the Golden Horde will become the Red Herrings. We will be relocating to Portland, Maine - a mere 15 minute ferry ride from archrival Peaks Island Wookies.
HM: Oh man, that will be quite a rivalry. Who will you bring back to combat the evil Wookies?
Tommy Chong: I am so wasted!
CM: Good point, Tommy. By the way, Hazel is right: Wookies are evil � and hairy too. My keepers will be Larry Johnson, Shawne Merriman, Matt heasselbeck. It was hard to let Reggie Wayne and Javon Walker go, but Wayne started tanking as soon as I traded Harrison, and Javon Walker was just in a stretch Hummer that was shot up with automatic weapons killing his teammate, so Hasselbeck seems like the safest option
SEO: While Javon Walker sold me and my people out, he should have been kept. He has skillz. Matt Hasselbeck is a very nice keeper. He has clipboard holding skills that are unequaled. I am not sure about Merriman as well.
[The crowd is loving Einar�s pandering to Green Bay. Every so often, his speeches are interrupted by chants of �Nure! Nure! Nure!� Mitchell heads to the owners� area behind the velvet rope and now it is Bob Barker�s turn to be woken up.]
BB: What�s that say? Nad Chuss � C�mon down! Oh, right, Chad Nuss! Is he here?
Chad Nuss: Yes, I am here. I�ve been traveling around the world, looking for people who might be next in line to take over for Al Davis since he has no heir apparent. Unfortunately, for me and my Raiders it looks like Al Davis may even outlive you, Bob.
BB: I�m alive?
CN: Not sure. Anyway, I decided to keep Marc Bulger, Willie Parker, and Darrell Jackson. It was hard to let Tiki Barber go, but if he wants to fake laugh at 5AM that�s his choice, I guess.
HM: I am a bit worried that he may want my job.
CN: Who are you again?
HM: I am the eye candy reporter on NESN!
CN: NESN? Aren�t they the ones that rebroadcast the tuck game every year?
SEO: Now, let�s not get feisty. Hazel is our honored guest. Darrell Jackson plays for Mike Holmgren, so he�ll assuredly keep up the excellent production and work on his problems with dropping the ball. I might have considered Ronnie Brown, although he was pretty bad this year.
[Nuss, still angered by NESN being represented, looks like he is getting ready to punch Hazel Mae, when Curtis from 24 � a bloody mess � leaps from the crowd and takes Nuss out. A wild melee ensues and is only broken up when Bob Barker gets involved and uses his wired, skinny microphone to make peace. Nuss is incapacitated and is thrown in owner�s area. Curtis expires again. Next up is Dan Weitz who is clad in armor and surrounded by Lyndsey lohan, Paris hilton and Britney Spears � none of whom are wearing underwear.]
Dan Weitz: Every year I am attacked and something horrible happens to me � like last year�s Yanni-lobotomization. This year, I am wearing armor and am surrounded by people much more hated than I am, even in the Modano community in which I did not contribute much. Long live the Weasel!
Paris Hilton: Weasels are hot.
Lyndsey Lohan: Where�s Tommy Chong?
PH: Cheech is hot.
HM: So, what did you learn about life in general this year?
DW: Steve Johnson owes Einar a big sloppy kiss for trading him LT for Ahman Green two years ago. HMMMM I smell a conspiracy that needs investigating by the media.
SEO: It was an excellent trade at the time.
[The crowd goes wild at the mention of Ahole. �Nure! Nure! Nure!"]
DW: In case anyone is interested, I decided to keep Jones-Drew, Duece and Rom.....................Marion Barber III. It was very hard to let McNabb go however its time to shake some things up. We really wanted to bring Romo on board but his [flank steak] sucky performances the last four weeks means has been cursed due to his Farva beans lovin.
SEO: I don�t really understand why Dan would keep Marion Barber. He�s not even related to Tiki or Ronde. It will be an Envy-Cookie battle for the basement next year.
[DW takes the sword out of his scabbard, slices at SEO, and beheads Britney Spears. The nation morns, then realizes she never even sang her own songs. It was Milli! Weitz makes his way to the cordoned area and up next are a smiling John Stoer, an unhappy Salman Rushdie, and a vacant Padma Lakshmi.]
HM: Hey, girl. It�s nice to see some fellow eye candy.
Padma Lakshmi: [monotone, as if reading from a card] Yes, it is good to be eye candy. Tonight, we will have to decide who the 44�s should keep. As always, it will be a tough decision.
Salman Rushdie: I don�t understand why I am here. Curtis from 24 should be here to guard me in case someone finally decides to call in the fatwah. And, young man, what are you smiling at?
John Stoer: Well, your wife is delicious � I mean she was cooking up something delicious. No need to get upset, Salman. Really, you need to learn my life lesson number one: Don�t take things too seriously. It is supposed to be fun after all and so...
[JS gives PL a big smooch. PL does not react and SR punches JS in the gut and leaves with PL.]
BB: I guess the price was wrong, bitch! Did someone say something about keepers?
JS: [doubled over, croaks out] My keepers were 1) Vince Young, 2) Brian Westbrook, 3) Shaun Alexander. It was tough to let Marvin Harrison go. I think I�ll go to the cordoned area and get the same kind of medical attention as some of my fellow owners.
BB: Will Mitchell! C�mon down!
[Will Mitchell arrives flanked by Stephen Colbert.]
BB: How much would you pay for this package of Alpo Doggy Chow?
Stephen Colbert: Don�t answer � it�s a plot to get you involved in the Bush administration�s theatrics!
Will Mitchell: No, I know this one and I think if I get the price right, I could win an Alaskan cruise.
BB: An Alaskan cruise!
WM: $4.29
[Buzzer]
BB: No, I am sorry. On Rodeo Drive, this package of Purina Puppy Chow retails for $449.99.
WM: Blast!
HM: Hi, Will. Did you learn anything this season?
WM: Yes. You cant win a championship on lucky breaks and mediocre talent. Unless you are the Patriots.
HM: Oh, that Tom Brady is cute.
SC: But I hear that he is a ponce.
WM: Actually, he�s a very good quarterback and a ponce. My keepers are Antonio Gates, Rudi Johnson, and Roy Williams. It was hard to let go of Rex Grossman (not). Dillon � but hes giving it over to Maroney even more next year. Lewis and Burress were options but not appealing ones. Peppers too. None of my guys are top 10 material � lot of team players.
SEO: Roy Williams seems risky to me and I don�t like taking risks. Grossman should not have even been in the consideration. Can�t argue with Rudi and Antonio.
WM: I didn�t realize you were on a first name basis with them.
SEO: As deputy commissioner of the Modano league, I run in pretty fancy circles.
[Mitchell and Colbert make their way to their own fancy circle.]
BB: Jason Moore � C�mon down! It�s cold in here and I want to go home.
Jason Moore: Me too, Bob. Wisconsin is the pits. I like sunny California. Based on that, I decided to keep Larry Fitzgerald, Chad Johnson, and Reggie Bush. It was hard to let go of Tom Brady, but once I learned what a ponce he is, I just couldn�t keep him around.
SEO: That doesn�t make any sense. You shouldn�t let the media coerce you. Why, I am free to say whatever I want including calling Brent Farf a god among men and Mike McCarthy the greatest coach in NFL history. What other coach could take a team like this and rally them to an 8-8 record. Certainly not Nick Saban!
[All is silent as the crowd and owners wait for the bolt of lightening to crash through the roof of the VFW and toast SEO, but it never happens. Odd. JM backs his way into the cordoned area and is replaced by Randy Chambers who has Lauren Graham with him.]
HM: Wow � Lauren Graham � I am such a big fan. You were in the Golden Girls, weren�t you?
Lauren Graham: Uh, no, it was called the Gilmore Girls and it is still on your WB.
HM: Oh, great. Thanks for showing up. Randy, could you please tell us what you learned this season?
Randy Chambers: That I hope that Sto is willing to make a trade with me in 2007.
HM: How so?
RC: Well, Hazel, two of my keepers came in a propitious deal with the 44�s: Frank Gore and Clinton Portis. The U is one of my favorite schools anyway. We also decided to hang onto Drew Brees. Letting our locking room leader, Hines Ward, go, hurts. Leaving Torry Holt to the draft jackals hurts even more. Hopefully, Portis will run to glory in '07 and prove me right in my choice.
SEO: Wow, a break in Modano tradition. The Bear triumvirate of past championships is no more. I may shed a tear as a think of the days that Daunte Culpepper threw bombs to Randy Moss and handed off to Shaun Alexander. However, I think it was the right thing to do. As a manager of Target, I have to make tough choices all the time and I can see by the look in Randy�s eye that he is confident with his choice. Great job!
RC: Thanks, Einar.
SEO: You the man, Randy!
[Randy, please with the world, moves on and is replaced by his league archrival, Rich Joseph, who has brought his own bodyguard to the proceedings � Jason Taylor]
Rich Joseph; Hazel, let me first say that I am a huge fan of yours. No one reads the scores or does interviews like you. No one! If I weren�t married already, I�d propose to you on the spot.
HM: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. The good ones are always married: Wade Boggs, Ted Williams Jr., Robert Parish, Irving Fryer� That�s the downside to the Boston sports scene. Anyway, d�ja learn anything this year?
RJ: Yes, You're never out of the race.
HM: Interesting. Now, you know what I think about Peyton Manning (he�s a geek), you didn�t keep him again, did you?
RJ: I hate to disappoint you, Hazel, but I did. After looking at the Modano website (which is my second favorite after your fan site, Hazel), I noticed that Peyton is now the only player to be kept all seven years. I decided to back him with two backs: Travis Henry and Chester Taylor. It was hard to let Tony �Gonzo� Gonzales go and there is someone else I am forgetting.
Jason Taylor: Uh, hello? How could you!?!
[Taylor covers his eyes, runs into the house, and sobs in the bathroom.]
SEO: Wow, Travis Henry! That�s a longshot. He�ll be backing up Lendale White by Game five. Chester Taylor is a Viking and should not have been kept. Peyton, however, makes up for a lot of flaws. You should be ok next year.
[Joseph moves on and suddenly a phalanx of D-list celebrities and �sexy� dancing partners juke and jive their way onto the stage. They are led by the bottom rung of the D-list, which includes Emmitt Smith who sashays his way around, tarnishing his legacy with every step.]
Emmitt Smith: Please allow me to introduce, the one and only 2006 Modano champion, and I am proud to say, my best friend, Steve Johnson.
Steve Johnson: Thanks, Emmitt. Although sequins, really? I�ve lost all respect for you. You could have never played for Mike Holmgren or das uber coachen Ray Rhodes.
[SEO stands and nods.]
ASH: Steve! Steve! Steve!
[Johnson, awash in the applause � even though some of it is intended for the Einar � beams proudly for several minutes, what seems like several hours to some of us. Eventually the din dies down. And Johnson, who refuses to dance, does his own lurch/shuffle onto the stage.]
HM: Wow � what a reception. It has been a great year for you, Steve. As a winner like Mike Shanahan and Rick Pitino, you can probably offer up a lot of useful life tips that will help revolutionize not only sports but business as well.
SJ: Gosh, Hazel. Really, what I learned was I thought luck made up about 80% of your fantasy year (20% info). Its actually more like 95%. Also, babys are a lot of work.
BB: That�s it?!? That�s a disappointment. Where are my pills?
SJ: Speaking of pills, trying to choose some keepers from my stacked lineup gave me a number of headaches. Eventually, I had to make a choice and I went with LaDainian Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, and Joseph Addai. It was really tough to let go of Carson Palmer, Steve Smith and Laurence Maroney.
SEO: I�ve been there, but I think you made the right choices. Addai should be a Edge-like stud in Indy and the other two were no-brainers. But, I can�t help but think you might have given consideration to someone else.
ASH: Farf! Farf! Farf!
SJ: What? Didn�t I mention Brent? He played an instrumental role in our championship by diverting the media attention from my talented squad and taking the burden all on himself. I don�t know how he dealt with such attention but those empty bottle of Vicodin my have something to do with it.
ASH: Vicodin! Vicodin! Vicodin!
SEO: Four out of five Green Bay residents abuse it. And now we�ll take a short break while we change sets and I will entertain you with a number of excellent magic tricks. Bob, you may return your crypt. Hazel, I�ll see you later. Now, would someone like to pull my finger?
[SEO entertains the ASH with third grade magic tricks to their rapt amazement while the stage is set for the awards ceremony. After minutes � but what seems like hours to some � the stage is finished.]
SEO: And now to present the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player, I�d like to welcome two excitable fellows who need not much introduction. Denny Green and Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson [falsetto lisping]: I don�t know what you�re so excited about, Denny. It was just a game.
Denny Green: [quite upset} They were who we thought they were!
MT: I think you need to spend some time with pigeons or snort cocaine or something.
DG: They were who we thought they were! If you want to crown somebody � crown their ass right now!
MT: I am sorry, Denny. I don�t know what you are talking about, but we�re hear to present an award.
DG: I said crown their ass right now!
MT: Denny, a crown belongs on a person�s head, not their bottom. Anyways, in third place for Sneaky Pete, we have Brent TE Marques Colston who received first place votes from the Coroners and Horde.
DG: They were who we thought they were!
[MT tired of listening to this crazy ravings, bops DG with a right cross, sending DG into the ASH, never to be heard from again.]
MT: Finally, some peace and quiet. It�s like I�ve just choked Robin out again. What was I saying? Oh yeah, in second place is super surprising QB Drew Brees who received first place votes from the Wookies and Busters. Finally, the winner of the 2007 Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player is Cookie RB Maurice Jones-Drew, who received first place votes from the Coroners, Cubists, and Brents.
Maurice Jones-Drew: What do you get when you combine the best of Jones with the best of Drew? Maurice Jones-Drew. He�s like a bowling ball who is impossible to tackle. He�s got the moves, he�s got the motion. And now�s he�s got the Sneaky Pete � Thank you, everybody.
SEO: Thank you too. Mike Tyson � what a guy! Here to present the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player are two guys who never disappoint me � Bob Dylan and Sylvester Stallone!
Bob Dylan: [grumbling nonsensically]
Sylvester Stallone: [mostly nonsense as well, punctuated by a few �yo�s and a few �you know what I�m sayin��s]
[Their dialogue goes on for several minutes with no one understanding a word]
BD: [Finally, using his Lay Lady Lay voice] This here�s an award that ain�t no sword and you best believe that you�d better leave if the storm comes rolling in.
SS: [Using his Stop or My Mom Will Shoot voice] Mom! Yo! Mom � you know what I am sayin� Oh, mom. Very disappointing was Randy Moss, who received a first place vote from the Coroners.
BD: Another Raider, who turned out to be traitor, and all in all, couldn�t scored the ball was a guy who ain�t been lordin�, that�s Lamont Jordan. He received first place votes from the Cubists and Brents.
SS: Yo, you know what I�m saying. If you�se can change, and I�se can change. Maybe even the 2007 Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player can change. He was Cadillac Williams of the Coroners. He received first place votes from the Envy and 44�s and second place votes from the Baers and Brents.
Cadillac Williams: I blame Jon Gruden, my offensive line, and my balky groin. [punching self in groin] C�mon groin! Get better.
SEO: That�s a shame. A real shame. I thought that guy was going to be so good this season. I am kind of glad that the first and second place votes for Brent Farf were not noted. This is serious business people! Speaking of serious business, here to the present the 2007 Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Award for Rookie of the Year are Detta Walker and Shakira.
[Shakira is dancing in a sequined outfit clearly borrowed from one of the Dancing with the Stars �stars.� Detta Walker rolls onto the stage in her wheelchair, resenting every hipshake from the Latin pop star.]
Detta Walker: Yo, girly. You don�t quit that tremblin� crap, ole Detta is cut you a new hole. One where God ain�t intending it to be.
Shakira: Yo no hablais English.
DW: Oh, I�ll get you hablaising something if you don�t stand still. You understand me, gray meat?
S: Gray meat? Donde esta el bano?
DW: Ah hell, I might as well read from the honk mahfahin� cards so I can get back to my lobstrosities.
S: El bano?
DW: Aw hell, just go anywhere you likes? It�s Green Bay, ain�t it? In third place was a guy who ain�t no honk mahfah � Marques Colston. He received one vote, like a little candle, from the Envy.
S: El bano?!?
DW: In second place is Vince Young, which is about the stupidest thing Detta ever heard in her whole cursed life. The Coroners, Cookies, and Brents must not have been paying attention because as far as Detta know, Vince Young only played in one game this season and he only scored two points in that one game. That�s worth a first place vote? Detta don�t think so.
[Shakira�s hips really begin to shake � and she�s not dancing.]
S: EL BANO?!?!?!?
DW: Never mind her, she�s just reading from the card. That�s somebody�s idea of being funny. I don�t think that�s funny at all. Making fun of a person because they have to go to the bathroom? That�s just mean. Back to the point � the winner of this year�s Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Award for Rookie of the Year is a repeat winner � Cookies Maurice Jones-Drew. He received first place votes from the Horde, Wookies, Cubists, and Busters. I gotta get a new agent. This is the pits.
MJD: Wow! Two awards in one night. I feel like Randy Moss in 1998, Michael Anderson in 2000, and Anquan Boldin in 2003. Just like all three of them rolled into a bowling ball-like package.
SEO: Shakira, the bathroom is out of the hall, take a left and another left. I hope she makes it. We�re getting to the end of the night as well as the end of the work day. Let�s get these awards handed out then its off to George Webb. To present the Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy, here are the Ultimate Warrior and Mark McGwire.
[The Warrior runs onto the stage, dances around crazily for a minute, then is out of breath. Meanwhile, a 120 pound McGwire just looks embarrassed.]
The Ultimate Warrior: From days of yore, all of the little Warrior-maniacs or the Small Disciples as I like to call them look to the great gods and said unto thee that the Ultimate Warrior was the greatest wrestler of all time. He had the fundamentals, the frundamentals, and favulamentals.
Mark McGwire: Is that really what steroids do to a person?
TUW: I do not know of steroids but the syringe of the gods could be plunged into the beating vein of the Ultimate Warrior and could strengthen him to be that of 12 men.
MM: Oh no � what have I done? All I wanted to do was to hit some dingers and make Barry Bonds jealous. Of course, there is no proof that I ever took any steroids even though I have lost 60% of my body mass since retiring.
TUW: Awards� the whisper in my ear from the show�s producers says that we must quit the inane banter and hand out awards for defending one�s turf.
MM: I am not defensive. I am just being honest and I never used that stuff. I would never let Jose Canseco or Jason Giambi poke me in the butt with anything. Anyone who says different is a liar.
TUW: In third place in the Sweeney voting is Adrian Wilson of the Brents who received a first place vote from the Baers.
MM: I had a lot of natural talent and never needed to supplement anything. Sure, I took Flintstones like Sammy, but steroids? No. Never. Just like Raffy.
TUW: In second place, receiving first place votes from the Horde, Envy, and Wookies was Jason Taylor of the Ballbusters who was eviscerated into the crowd earlier in the ceremony.
MM: When I hit that 70th homer in 1998, it was like nothing else. I saw the ball fly through the night air and all I wanted to do was pull down my pants and show my shrunken testicles and backne to everyone. It was worth it.
TUW: The winner of this year�s Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy received four first place vote from the Coroners, 44�s, Cubists, and Brents. He is Shawne Merriman.
MM: What?!? That steroid abuser?!? I demand a recount.
Shawne Merriman: Yo, McGwire � who you calling an abuser. Like you, I took under-the-counter Flintstones. My agent purchased them for me. How was I supposed to know they had HGH in them? Now, I�d like to make an announcement. I was really hurt by those low class Patriots for mocking my post-sack lights out dance. Because of all of the chemicals coursing through my veins, I can�t help the way I react to a sack. You were making fun of a guy with a handicap. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now, in one of my patented rages, (that have nothing to do with steroids at all) I will destroy the trophy.
[SM does just that, runs into the crowd, beats up a few cheeseheads, and just as he is catching his breath.]
SEO: To present the final two awards, the La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award and the Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Coach/Owner, I present Bill Belichek.
[SM gets his second wind, blindsides Belichek, does his Lights Out dance, and is swarmed under by DEA officers. He is taken to a holding facility and tested for illegal substances. The tests are positive - for Flintstones. Belichek, in no condition to hand out any awards, points to SEO, who gracefully takes over.]
SEO: We�re running out of time here, so we�ll cut to the chase. To no one�s surprise the La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award goes to LaDainian Tomlinson of the Brents and the Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Coach/Owner goes to Brent Owner Steve Johnson. Tomlinson won in a landslide with eight votes � everyone except the 44�s and Brents, who gave their votes to Peyton Manning. Johnson received seven votes in Modano polls with everyone opting for the champion except the Busters and Brents (Randy Chambers) and the Coroners (John Stoer).
Ladainian Tomlinson: This is the 40th most prestigious award that I have won this year. I�m outta here.
Steve Johnson: Wow. Just wow. I could gush all night long. I�d like to thank the founding fathers of the United States, especially Alexander Hamilton. A big shout out to my brother Pete for honing my competitive edge when we were tots. Of course, I�d like to thank the academy and my director Paul Greengrass. And let�s see there is little Joe and fat Joe, and�
[Rather than music like they play at other award shows, a giant rumbling is heard and the roof of VFW is torn off. There in the sky flies a giant UFO with dazzling lights of navy blue and orange.]
Alien Loudspeaker: [a deep voice that sounds vaguely like James Earl Jones with a slightly Mexican accent] Greetings, Earthlings. We come from Rigel Seven and we are interested in the lowest forms of life on your world. Based on your literature, we have learned that Green Bay Packer fans are this lowest form, therefore we will transport all Packer fans in the vicinity into our cargo bays for analysis via anal probing. Thank you for your attention and Go Bears!
[A wind picks up and everyone with a Farf or Bart Starr jersey is picked up like a vacuum. It is only through the grace of his fellow owners and the fact that Steve Johnson has become a Charger fan, loyal to LT that he is not among the sucked up. Steve �the Einar� Olsen was not so lucky. The award winning players, team owners, and various hangers on that do not root for Green Bay are dumbstruck, and so we fade to black.]
--------------------------------------------The Rapture Press-----------------------------------------