Brentful Brents 149 Peaks Island Wookies 94 Life as Modano owner has not always been easy for Owner Steve Johnson. In the early years, it appeared as if he had no idea what he was doing, but did he blame his subpar education (Oshkosh West, errh) or his favorite player � who just happens to be an inbred, hillbilly moron who should simply retire or end up like �Muhammad Ali was the greatest, but came out of retirement to many times. At the end, he look like a Larry Holmes double. Looking at him now, it is quite sad.�? No. He kept on scrapping. He scoured the waiver wire daily, made trade offers to improve his team and even refrained from smoking, except for that �one time�� The Brents have had many a setback, but Week 9 of 2005 may be their most glorious moment to date: playing another contending team, the Peaks Island Wookies, and needing a win to stay within reaching distance of the Bull City Bares, Johnson got all of the players in the proper places and ran roughshod to victory. He won half the battle when he submitted his lineup card that did not include Brent Farf. Besotted QB Kerry Collins (7/106) laid off the hard liquor so that his beer buzz was not disabling and he zinged a couple of TD�s for 14 points. Collin�s DTs did not start until after the game, so he was able to hand off effectively so that the Brent offensive line, which included Heath Miller (2/13) who apparently concentrated on blocking (0 pts), blasted enormous holes in the Wookie D. LaDainian Tomlinson (9/170) was the chief beneficiary of the blocking in netting his second 34 point day of the season on four TD�s. Tomlinson�s Grandmama, Larry Johnson (3/27) also busted out his TD dance twice and scored a season high 22 points. Johnson enthused, �Anyone who scores more the 20 deserves a gameball!� Even Chris Brown (5/24) shook off his myriad of injuries to score 12. So much running that you�d think the Brents were a one dimensional team, but you�d wrong. Very wrong. The D-flex also showed up on this most critical day with a Brent season high of 34 points, led by Keith Bulluck (9/82), who scored 14. For awhile, the Wookies were able to keep pace. Weekly All-pro QB Carson Palmer (9/166) notched two more TD�s on his belt and scored his 8th all-pro game with 20 points. He hit Jerry Porter (2/12) for once score and handed off to Rudi Johnson (9/67) for another. TE Antonio Gates (8/82) continued to dominate from the TE ranks with 9 points, all on yards and Jonathan Vilma (8/82) continued to lead the Wookie D by his fine 11 point example. Still, heading into Monday with four players left, the Brents held a �Glenngary� lead of 49 points. Owner Will Mitchell sat in Foxboro Stadium, hoping for a shootout and for WR Marvin Harrison (6/45) to sprain something. Neither hope panned out as Harrison grabbed two TD�s for 20 points (his first all-pro performance) and Mitchell was restrained by security guards as he tried to streak the field. The Wookies did have four played on Monday night, but they only combined for 14 points with Corey Dillon (8/71) and Dwight Freeney (8/55) scoring naughts. A smirking Johnson sympathized with Mitchell, whose team became the fourth squad this season to score 94 and lose, �It�s always tough to score in the 90s and come up short. Everybody really came through against a great opponent.� The 149 points were the highest in Brent history (eclipsing the 134 points against the Busters in 2003) and the third highest score in league history (161 points by the Biers last season and 151 by the Cubists in 2000).
San Francisco Cubists 71 Weaselicious Cookies 66 Owner Jason Moore and WR Terrell Owens have been partners for many, many years. Ever since Moore took Owens as a 13th round draft pick in 2000, he knew that he could count on his loud-mouthed WR to bring consistent results home to San Francisco. Of late, however, Owens has become increasingly volatile off the field. Yes, he still scored TD�s, but after every game the media, including ESPN�s T.O.Center (formerly SportsCenter � but when you devote half your airtime to one guy, you get renamed), would shove microphones in the receiver�s face and ask him for his comments. Owens has recently taken to verbally abusing Moore and Cubist franchise: �First off, they did not hold a parade when I recently scored by 100th career TD. Secondly, Moore is cheap and he should renegotiate my contract, which nets me 20 cents less than Randy Moss. Lastly, I know that the owner�s box has heated toilet seats, but Moore never asked me if I wanted a heated toilet seat.� To make matters worse, after their Week 8 loss to the Coroners, Owens kneed Moore in the lower abdomen, then kicked him in the head, followed by hocking a yellow-green loogie in his face. Moore had no choice but to suspend Owens for conduct detrimental to everyone. The next day, Owens appeared on T.O.Center to apologize, �If anything I�ve done was considered offensive or (what�s this word, Mr. Rosenhaus?) injurious, then I�m sorry semi-heartedly. I promise not to do it again for a whole day, but when I get what I want I will happily bash every to anyone who will listen. Now, let me introduce my special guest to my press conference: the ghost of Reggie White!� A dark presence then neared the podium, sucking the intelligence out of everyone around. The gravelly voice of White announced, �I�d just like to introduce my agent among the living. A guy who knows as much about money (he�s white) as I do about celebrating: Drew Rosenhaus.� The shrill Rosenhaus then grabbed the mike and said, �T.O. is a great person. I don�t think any of you understand how great he is and how much money he makes for me. All of T.O.�s quotes were taken out of context and he always gave 111%. T.O. should be president and is more popular than Jesus. T.O. has nothing but love in his heart for everyone and I�d like to announce that I love T.O.� Rosenhaus and Owens then skipped merrily off, never to be heard from again. A confused Moore still had to get his confused team ready for a game against the Cookies. Things started off poorly as Todd Heap (4/7) scored in negative figures (-1) becoming the second Cubist to give points to the other team this season (Jamal Lewis had -1 in Week 2). Lewis (6/18) was slightly better in Week 9 with 3 points. Meanwhile, Owner Dan Weitz has vowed never to watch Friends again � except the special wedding episodes � had his second string WR corps producing again. Laveranues Coles (5/22) caught a TD in the early game and he was supplemented by Joe Jurevicius (5/34) and Donte Stallworth (4/29) in the late games. Cubists� QB Matt Hasselbeck (2/24) was able to keep the score close with his first all-pro game of 17. Then, Cookies� QB Donovan McNabb (9/140) pushed the Cookies into the lead (by the way, Moore thinks he could convert 45 qualified sales leads out of a raw list of 1000 prospects) with 13 points. Moore found his team down 9 points heading into Monday night. He couldn�t sleep, smoked three cigarettes, and ended up looking like Gordie Howe. Happily for the Cubists, Reggie Wayne (8/52) came through with 14 points, keeping the Cubists above .500. Moore commented, �We were lucky. Zach Thomas (6/66 � 11 points) stepped up, and Hasselbeck played an efficient game. But Reggie Wayne was the man, performing when it counted.� The two teams now have mirror overall records with the Cubists at 82-46 and the Cookies at 46-82.
Bull City Bares 89 Syracuse 44�s 65 In Week 8, Owner Randy Chambers learned a stern lesson. His bold statements had caused a cosmic shift that caused his team to lose. Prior to Week 9, mum was the word in the Bare camp as Chambers waited for lightening bolts to flash from the sky. He believed � possibility correctly � that only divine intervention could cause his team to lose to the suddenly sinking 44�s. Owner John Stoer, who convert all 1000 of those qualified sales leads because �he�s got brass balls, baby� was tempting fate in his own style by playing two Eagles, neither whom went to Syracuse, against his beloved Skins. Commented Chambers, �Quite frankly, I was saddened by my opponent sullying his team with not one, but two Eagles playing on Sunday night against the Redskins. While I made the embarrassing, but honest [!?!] error of leaving the MVP in against the Skins earlier this year, I am really starting to wonder about Mr. Stoer's sobriety and whether his burgundy-colored blood is starting to change color to some kind of puke green.� Making matters worse, neither Eagle scored much as Brian Westbrook (8/81) and L.J. Smith (6/22) were held to four points, all scored by Westbrook. The trickle of 44 scoring came from Clinton Portis (8/72), who earned the gameball, and Trent Green (3/32) who scored 10. Kevin "Performed Below Expectations" Jones (7/35) was taken to task for performing below expectations. Stoer said Jones reminded him of the esteemed Bronco and Seahawk Jerry Rice. Only new LB Mike Peterson (5/43), a former Cookie, played with passion, scoring 16 points and his first all-pro game. Without their leader, Daunte Culpepper, the Bares relied on RB Shaun Alexander (8/144) who scored his 5th all-pro game with 23 points. Chambers noted, �The Heisman, er... Lafontaine watch is on. Shaun Alexander DVD will soon show up in all the voters box, with a picture of this week's gameball and a reel of the 88-yard TD run.� If the Bares stay in first, one player may just win an award � possibly the Sneaky Pete! Of course, it may not work out because Chambers professes that he is not a huckster, �Unless I am working for Balco and Barry Bonds is on my prospect list, the answer is the same as the number of cigarettes I've smoked. I just ain't a pitchman.� Speaking of Bonds, Chambers noted, �Steve Carlton and is his near 6.00 ERA for the late 80s Minnesota Twins (C'mon, the guy was a National Leaguer!) definitely comes to mind [for holding on too long]. However, my pick is a current player, Mr. Barry Bonds. Every game he plays dishonors baseball and sport in general.� Stephen Davis (6/60) scored 12 points and was pronounced by Chambers to be �threatening to be the best last round pick of the decade.� Sadly, he had already forgotten about the Brents pick of Marc Bulger two years ago. Warrick Dunn (5/45) scored 12 and Lawrence Tynes (3/28) tied the team high for kicker with 9. Chambers was less happy with �The illiterate, now former, tight end who should be called Jeremy Stephens (4/17), Heiny (8/55), who is allowed a bad game each year and Mike Brown (4/15). Damn bears.� The aforementioned lightening, which Chambers had also already forgotten about, then struck Chambers, making his hair stand on end and causing numbness in his extremities. Nevertheless, the Bares still hold the keys to their own destiny and Chambers credits cleaning living for his success, including never trying smoking tobacco, �No approximation. The exact answer is zero. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. Nein. I prefer to dip.� Speaking of dipping, the expectations for the 44�s are headed south and Stoer, who smoked two cigarettes when he was 7 years old, commented, �Bares good, 44's bad. Bares strong, 44's girly men. Bares score many touchdowns, 44's sniff own ass.�
The Ballbusters 83 P-Miss Envy 75 The stockholders gave Owner Perry Missner one more chance to tell them why he should remain as Owner and Coach of the P-Miss Envy, who had been losing money steadily for the last two weeks. Over teleconference, the shareholders asked Missner �How many qualified sales leads can you convert from a raw list of 1000 prospects?� which seemed like a familiar enough question. Yet Missner hemmed and hawed, and finally blurted, �I am not sure what this means, but my salesmanship is terrible. If you don't want something, that's fine with me. However, I think I could convert about 10, just through sheer luck.� �That�s not good enough,� replied a quiet, tough, but eerily familiar voice, �You�re out, and I am taking over.� �Bu-bu-but, who are you?� stammered Missner. �I�m J.B.!� came a more forceful reply, �Jack�s back � Jack Bauer. Yes, I know I�ve been in hiding from my own government as well as other great forces around the globe, but I couldn�t stand to see a proud franchise be run into the ground, so I�ll be calling the shots from now on.� Missner fled the scene � and then commented that he did not want to end up like Steve "Mongo" McMichael. He should have retired as a Bear, instead he took his used up corpse up to Green Bay and tarnished his legacy forever. FOREVER!� Bauer immediately cut Jarrett Payton (�the past is over�) and Chris Perry (�I don�t want any more reminders of the previous regime.�) Yet, it was too late to change the Envy gameplan so Bauer went with what he had. WR Steve Smith (8/113) and TE Jeremy Shockey (8/60) came through again with a combined 25 points, but the rest of the team floundered. The once esteemed D-flex scored six points, causing Bauer to growl, �Ugh, this team used to pride itself on having consistent defensive performances. There will be changes!� Michael Clayton (8/14) also continued to disappoint � in the same 8 games, he has scored 99 points less than Steve Smith. But, it wasn�t as if the Envy were playing themselves, they were facing the once fearsome Ballbusters. Now, Owner Rich Joseph has been known to smoke a ciggy or two (maybe about 100 in his life) and he can convert qualified sales leads at a 70% tip, but these facts were inconsequential. What the Busters needed was a win to continue to dig themselves out of their early season hole. He didn�t want his team to have the sad legacy of Rickey Henderson, so he got them to play some ball. WR Joey Galloway (3/28) continued his renaissance with 11 and LaMont Jordan (8/110) proved to be an apt replacement for Priest Holmes, who may be toast. The Busters scored just enough on yards to keep 8 points ahead of the Envy. Each team had one Monday bullet left in their chambers � Tom Brady (7/110) against Peyton Manning (8/122). Brady performed valiantly, scoring 26 and earning the gameball, although �He didn't bring home the victory, but he played with a lot of fire and I liked that it looked like he had been kicked in the gut in his postgame press interview. That's the kind of player we need here!� Unfortunately, Brady�s fine performance was equaled by Manning, who also earned a gameball for his 26 points. From his foxhole, Missner wrote in with some summary comments, �Another off week, except for Brady and Steve Smith. I suppose the players can deal with the new owners, who I am sure won't be as lenient as I have been. No more sex cruises for you guys.� Joseph simply stated, �Let�s stay hot.�
Belarussian Blatz 62 County Coroners 51 How are the Blatz doing it? Despite scoring less than 65 points a game, Owner Josh Kowalske�s squad is in the thick of things at 4-5, the same record as three teams who have scored 150 points more. Kowalske describes it as �smoke and mirrors � Russian style,� and who are we to argue. In Week 9, the Blatz were facing fellow cellar dweller, the County Coroners, who were coming off a nice streak of two impressive wins. Although the Coroner lineup did not change significantly, the results did. What happened? Ah, the inconsistencies of fantasy football. What goes up must come down. The Coroners did not help themselves by getting lost on the way to the endzone. Only Drew Brees (7/104) found football nirvana, although Ruben Droughns (8/51) outscored his QB with 11 and K Sebastian Janakowski (7/55) equaled him with 9 on three figgies. The Coroners became the 9th team to suffer a negative performance as Carnell Williams (7/38) put the ball on the ground and did not gain many yards. Now, only the Wookies have made it through the season without someone taking points away from them. Willie Parker (7/39) added nothing. The Blatz suddenly have stability at the QB slot with Byron Leftwich (2/33), who nailed his second all-pro game consecutively with 19 � a QB season high for the Blatz - and was given a gameball and a nickname, Lefty, from Kowalske, even though he throws with his right hand. The Blatz were able to pass the Bares for overall worst QB performances. K John Kasay (5/33), who appeared with the 44�s earlier in the season, had a nice game with 10 points. The Blatz O-flex played like the sad combination of Mike Tyson and Rowdy Roddy Piper in scoring just 4 points and RB Tony Fisher (2/11) did not play at all. How sad. The Blatz do have the worst O-Flex in the league, scoring just 12.11 points per game. Maybe the problem was that Kowalske just could not sell his motivational techniques to his team. However, if they were women, he thought he would have a 99% chance to convert them into qualified sales leads. Despite only scoring 51 points, the Coroners held a 3 point lead as the week flipped onto Monday. Kowalske still had his main man, Edgerrin James (8/115) and his blocking buddy, Dallas Clark (3/4) left to play. Clark narrowed the gap with 2 points, and James heaved his team over the goal line with a TD and 12 more. Talk all you want about Shaun Alexander for MVP, has anyone really been more valuable than Edgerrin James? The second win in a row was the first winning streak in Blatz team history and Kowalske smoked a Marlboro light � his 100,001 � to celebrate.
Week 10 previews - We�re on the downward slide. Everyone has faced each other once and the second half is for those who are able to prove that they can do it again � or do better. As is our usual, we start at the top where the Bares face one of the two teams that dealt them a loss, the County Coroners. Yes, the season was young and the Coroners came out of the gates fast while the Bares did not start at all. Daunte Culpepper, who dropped a -7 on Owner Randy Chambers that week, is now an inspirational leader. In his place is QB Jake Delhomme who predicted that �Victory was 100% fershizzle.� Chris Cooley is back as the Bares short yard passing option and Terrence McGee returns from the bye to replace leading defensive scorer Donnie Edwards (9/85). Chambers noted, �It's always a pleasure to see Mr. Chad, especially now that I can torment him with my own super-Raider. All I can assure is that our fellas won't drop another 49 pointer [which was subsequently upgraded to 50 when Culpepper went from -8 to -7] on the County. The real question is what medium will the Alexander-for-LaFontaine PR machine roll out this week that can top last week's highlight reel touchdown run as seen in the JPG file? Stay tuned.� We can barely contain our excitement. Owner Chad Nuss must name a replacement QB for Drew Brees, the team�s leader. Currently, there are no backup QB�s on the roster. RB Curtis Martin may make his return as well. The hottest team in the league and the team breathing on the necks of the Bares are the Brentful Brents, led by Owner Steve Johnson, who was in such a hurry to get his boss a cup of coffee that he accidentally accepted a trade with his Week 10 opponent, the P-Miss Envy. The accept and reject buttons are clearly marked in English, but accidents happen, so we move on. In the past two weeks, the Brents have crushed the Bares and Wookies, so the inconsistent Envy should be a walk in the park. Johnson noted, �I will have to not get cocky and study all the film I have on Missner. With the matchups and byes, he could be the biggest challenge of my young streak.� That streak includes 3 wins in a row and those byes include the league�s leading scorer RB LaDainian Tomlinson. Without Tomlinson, Johnson will rely on former Envy member Larry Johnson as well as Steven Jackson and Greg Jones. Owner Jack Bauer had made a number of lineup changes including the insertion of Cedric Benson and Bryant Johnson into the O-flex and Dunta Robinson and Troy Polamalu to the D-flex. The new kicker is Josh Scobee. Bauer said, �The highlight of our season so far was crushing the Brents in Week 1 [111-65]. We hope to do it again and we hope he puts Brent out there for us to dismember. Happily, we don't have to worry about LT until 2006, but the Brents have a fearsome crew over there, so we'll have to do our best to overcome Chad Johnson's bye.� Two teams still in contention at 5-4 meet two teams that hope to get back to ground zero at 4-5. First, the Wookies, coming off a tough loss, face the 44�s, coming off a tougher loss. Owner John Stoer commented, �Hit the film room, check for Wookie tendencies, make final payment to schedule makers for putting Cinci on the bye this week, Sunday morning pre-game meal: Hash brownies!!� That�s two owners studying film! Stoer has returned QB Mark Brunell to the lineup, but Brunell is no longer allowed to proselytize in the huddle. Brunell�s friends include Torry Holt, Michael Anderson, Tatum Bell, and special surprise Daniel �Grambo� Graham, who was once a Wookie keeper. Owner Will Mitchell has not named replacements for his numerous players on the bye that include QB Carson Palmer, RB Rudi Johnson, and TE Antonio Gates. Eli Manning will most likely helm the team, but a backup TE will have to be found. The San Francisco Cubists needed overtime to beat the Weaselicious Cookies, but they may need a bit more to top the Ballbusters. Owner Rich Joseph�s team has won three of four and he is getting his players in the proper frame of mind with a �group hug.� Joseph has benched super tough RB Thomas Jones and replaced him with Nate Burleson, who made a ridiculous tip catch on Sunday. He also has a hole in his D-flex that will probably be filled by Adam Archuleta. Owner Jason Moore, whose team won 90-64 in Week 1, noted, �Of our three keepers, one is injured, one is suspended, and one sucks. We're going to need tough defense and several weeks of Monsoon-like good fortune.� Moore still doesn�t like that Owner Josh Wilk won a championship in 1999. WR Kevin Curtis returns to the Cubists O-flex and TE Randy McMichael hopes to return to his early season glory. The fifth and final game on the docket pits the Blatz and Cookies against each other for the second time. The league has had its first look at the Blatz, so let�s see what they learned. In Week 1, the Blatz opened their season with a 72-70 squeaker win. Owner Josh Kowalske has benched two time all-pro QB Byron Leftwich for Jake Plummer, but has two holes to fill on his D-flex caused by Bengal byes. He is giving Ernest Wilford his first shot in the league. Owner Dan Weitz hopes RB Julius Jones is finally healthy enough to return to his RB slot and Duce Staley makes his league return in the O-flex. The hole in the Cookie D-flex will presumably be filled by Andra Davis.
----------------------------------High Socks Afternoon Press------------------------