Brentful Brents 113 Bull City Bares 65 Owner Randy Chambers considers himself a fairly well-read individual. He enjoys a good thriller or a yarn about people overcoming insurmountable odds. However, it appears that his education is lacking in one area in particular: Greek mythology. As soon as the Bares� Owner, whose team had a 2 game lead on the rest of the league, uttered, �C'mon, somebody challenge me. Winning big is making this a bit uninteresting.� He should have remembered the story of Icarus. Sure, Chambers knew all about the Ickey Shuffle, but nothing about Icarus. To summarize, Icarus and his father, Deadalus, were trapped inside the minotaur�s labyrinth on Crete. Since Deadalus had designed the labyrinth, he figured out how to escape (much like Sean Connery in the Rock), but King Minos of Crete had the surrounding seas covered. Cleverly, Daedalus fashioned some wings out of feathers, wax, and walrus penis bones. He told Icarus that they had to fly in conservative manner or else bad things would happen. He of incomparable youth, Icarus did not listen to his father, flew too close to the sun, which melted the wax, causing Icarus to fall into the sea, only to be eaten by fierce walruses. The moral of the story are twofold: don�t get too big for your britches and sometimes it is best to shut your yapper. Oh, if only Chambers were more widely read, but he prefers eating to talking and listening, �If you don't believe it, think of Troy Aikman talking.� Frankly, Troy Aikman eating doesn�t do much for us, and worst of all would be Troy Aikman eating and talking at the same time� Scene: Troy Aikman �[gulp, chomp] yeah [sputter, sputter], I agree, Joe [chomp, slobber] Brent Farf�s backside [drool, drool] does look firmer [choke, choke] than ever this year [belch!].� Now that we are all totally disgusted, we can get back to the disgusting display of hubris by Chambers. Clearly, he needed to be taken down a notch, but who would have guessed that Owner Steve Johnson and his band of players with girl�s names would be the team to do it. Honestly, look at that roster, you have Kerry, Marion, Heather [Miller], Stevie (you know, like Stevie Nicks), Annie [Smith], Shelly [Quarles], and Lady [Tomlinson]. It�s a girlie roster, and we didn�t even mention Brent, which is a lousy name for a girl or a boy. Johnson made the excellent move of benching Farf (who ended up with 0 bench) and the inbred, hillbilly moron showed he might just be going blind by throwing 5 interceptions to a team clad in bright orange. Sadly, years of inbreeding will do that to a species. Replacing Farf was drinking buddy, Kerry Collins (6/92) who had his first all-pro performance with the Brents after two earlier in the season with the 44�s. The Collins directed offense ran as smooth as cold Bud. Debuting and gameball earning RB Marion Barber (1/21) blasted in two TD�s and Steven Jackson (4/71) rumbled for 18. The TD deluge continued with sweet T.J. Houshmandzadeh (4/24) on a pass that might have been called the �Improbably bobble� from LaDainian Tomlinson (7/136), who is the league�s second leading scorer. The Brents were so effective in the redzone that Jason Elam (8/58) only had the opportunity to score on seven PAT�s. In fact, the Brents have been money in the redzone all season long with a league leading 46 TD�s. As well as things went for the Brents, it seemed that everything was against the Bares. TE Chris Cooley (3/12) typified �The Redskins. What a disaster. Mara schmara.� As he couldn�t hold onto the ball and became the third tight end to score in negative figures this season (equaling the total of running backs and quarterbacks). Cooley�s poor play was a pittance compared to what happen to Bares franchise QB Daunte Culpepper (7/53) who lost the lower part of his leg on a QB keeper. Culpepper managed just a point before being hoisted out of the stadium and his play caused Randy Moss (6/42) to only have a point as well. Chambers reported, �In our somber post game locker room, long-time team punk Mike VanderJerk (who was on the bye) led a stirring tribute to Daunte. Two rings, no knee. A real American hero. So feared that G. Gordon Libby himself tried to discredit Daunte by outing Matt Birk, undercover bodyguard. We ride the legend of Daunte to greater glory!� Fellow Canadian Bryan Adams joined Vanderjagt in a poetic reading of Dante�s Inferno, another learning lesson for Chambers. The only highlight for the Bares came on Monday night as Hines Ward (7/55) made what Chambers called the greatest catch in NFL history, �knocking the ball in the air over the Raven defender and then catching it on the other side of the defender as he was hammered by a safety. Another real American hero.� Ward and Derrick Mason (6/30) were outscored by the Brents� TE, Heath Miller (1/13) who debuted with two short TD�s. Afterwards, a weeping Chambers commented on his team�s worst loss since a 125-51 drubbing in Week 12 of 2003, �We dedicate the rest of this season to our fallen leader. Daunte has led us to two titles. Just as Drew turned to Brady for greater glory, Daunte now passes the torch to that capable Cajun, Del-hommey [the Clown].� Johnson started off quiet, �Come on! Have you ever heard me say more then 30 words.. ever?� but then felt more comfortable, �A little luck and good performances got us through.�
County Coroners 95 San Francisco Cubists 81 Over the years many legends have arisen around the league�s most reticent owner, the Coroners� Chad Nuss, who has surrounded himself with corporate lackeys to provide insulation from eager press members. When he does approach a reporter, it is usually through a third party and all of the quotes must be translated to Chinese then back to English. Yet, somehow the media members generally know when Nuss is going to approach them. Generally, it is after a win of mighty importance or similar earth shaking event. When the Coroners meet their oldest rival, the San Francisco Cubists, there is always a possibility that Nuss will leave his compound. In Week 8 of 2005, the Coroners � coming off a sweet win over the Cookies � let their momentum guide them. Nuss had troubled long time fans by going with a minimum of Raiders, but he went with a trio of Oakland players (the same number starting for other teams) and received 10 points from Sebastian Janakowski (6/46) and nothing form the other two. Speaking of the Raiders, Nuss mentioned the greatest catch in NFL history was �1974 Playoffs Raiders vs. Miami, Kenny Stabler getting tackled throws to Clarence Davis for an 8 Yard TD to beat Miami in the final seconds!!!!! Go Raiders!� While Owner Jason Moore remembered that catch fondly, he thought it was the second greatest, just below �The Catch, Dwight Clark... took down the Cowboys!� Moore tried to get his receivers to model The Catch and gameball earning Terrell Owens (7/86) and Kevin Curtis (2/24) each found the endzone in a similar manner. Unfortunately, they were the only Cubists to hit paydirt. The Cubist RB slot has been a source of trouble for Moore all season long and has the lowest per game average in the league (6.25 ppg). Moore has tried to show the runners how to score, but he prefers eating to talking: �Sensory input, baby.� Moore was also disgusted by his defense, which had been stalwart all season long. Lavar Arrington (3/4) looks better than he plays and Zach Thomas (5/55) had his first off game. They couldn�t tackle Coroners RB Tiki Barber (6/78) who took home a gameball for his efforts, or WR Eddie Kennison (2/16). Mushin Muhammed (6/27) also snagged a sweet TD, bouncing off two defenders in the process. Even Drew Brees (6/95) made the Cubists D-flex look silly, scoring 25 points � league high for the week � for his third all-pro performance. After the win, Nuss took his entire team out to Super Taco instead of having them into his office for a heart-to-heart chat because �At least when you eat you're not bothering other people, people that derive pleasure by talking are annoying and like to hear themselves.� Furthermore, Nuss said, �Finally beat Jamo, starting to pull together some nice wins.� A sensitive Moore commented, �If the owner of the 44s doesn't pick us to beat the Coroners, we must be doing something wrong. If we don't prove him to be an idiot by beating down the Coroners, it is a catastrophe.�
Peaks Island Wookies 121 P-Miss Envy 94 Every evening before he nods off to sleep, Owner Perry Missner prays fervently that God grant him the strength to accept the things he can not change, the courage to change the things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Unfortunately, this prayer did little for Missner when he took a closer look at the schedule for Weeks 7 and 8. Missner whined �The Yahoo schedule maker [is not performing well]. First, I am up against Daunte vs. the porous Packer D, then the league's highest scoring QB against Green Bay. That can't be a coincidence. I can only guess that Rich will trade for Bettis, Parker, and Hines Ward next week.� Nevertheless, the Envy had their entire rambling crew together for the first time in awhile, so they had reason to feel confident. Fred Taylor (6/48), who will henceforth be known only as Boobie Miles, broke off a long TD run and hit all-pro status for the first time in ages with 17 points. Then, Steve Smith (7/99) went off like a Stewart Scott sentence with his fourth all-pro game of 19. He leads all WR�s. Then, Jeremy Shockey (7/49) pulled in a TD which reminded Missner of �back in 1994 when Bears' TE Chris Gedney made just a sick, one-handed catch in the back of the endzone that was on the highlights for the next 10 years. I think that catch was so good, they should use it as the NFL logo, making Gedney the NFL's Jerry West.� The rest of the Envy rested. Meanwhile, Missner could only watch sympathetically as Wookies QB Carson Palmer (8/146) carved up the Packers� defense for three scores, 22 points, and his 7th all-pro performance. Anquan Boldin (4/38) had a TD and 10 points, but the Envy spirit was broken (and raised to levels in which losing no longer mattered) when Wookie late waiver claim Charles Tillman (1/17) intercepted an errant Lion throw and sashayed his way into the endzone for a sweet, sweet win and NFC first place, for the time being. Immediately, Missner handed his gameball to �Owner Will Mitchell. He not only had the good fortune of two Bengals (see more below), but made the incredibly good decision to play Peanut Tillman, whose exploits need not be mentioned they were so good.� But we already mentioned them! Tillman became only the second Modano defensive player to score a TD. Shawn �I am not a� Merryman (1/15) complemented Peanut with a second defensive all-pro game. The Wookies put the game out of reach when TE Antonio Gates (7/73) started scoring TD�s at an unprecedented rate. Gates scored three times and had 27 points, equaling the all-time Modano record for tight ends � set by Tony Gonzalez is 2002. Mitchell presented the gameball to Gates along with a detailed map of the Maine coastline. Mitchell then went back to his meal, �because I am the quiet, listening type.� Mitchell then proceeded to give a speech, �This was huge. We took some key beatings limping into this one and it was time to put our A-game back on the field and keep after the title this year. The key was our defense�bringing in Tillman worked exactly as expected � got into Missners head, intercepting Brady and taking it to the house for a 17 point breakout. Our other new guy Merriman kicked in a solid 15, and the D was emotionally fired up and led by Bruschi (1/2). Palmer keeps firing 20+, Dillon pounded in 2, and Gates just went nuts. It was up for grabs going into the key Sunday night matchup, but McGahee and Brady couldn�t crank up the numbers to catch us in the end, even with Branch sitting out.� Missner noted, �Kudos to Will on a job well done. The Wookies beat us from A to Z. I had some hope when Taylor and Smith scored early, but I knew I was in trouble when Tillman allowed me to turn off the TV for the first time yesterday. Seeing Gates catch his 3rd TD, I knew this one was probably out of reach. I was hoping Brady would give Tillman a little bit back, but it was not to be.� Missner was then escorted out of the Envy offices as the sale to J.B. was made final. But, who was this J.B.? No one knew, but that did not stop speculation from running rampant. Both Owners Randy Chambers and former-Owner Perry Missner had the same idea: �James Brown. The King of Soul,� although Missner �had not communicated with him, my sense is he is the King of Soul, James Brown. I am not sure why he is being so mysterious, but he is getting up there in years. Perhaps he's completely lost it.� Owners John Stoer and Jason Moore mentioned J.B.�s closer to their heart, Jim Boeheim and Jim Beam, while Owner Will Mitchell thought it might the star of K-9, Jim Belushi. Owner Steve Johnson figured it was Fox�s Joe Buck, who was immediately outraged by the suggestion, while Owner Josh Kowalske believed it was his �third grade buddy, Jimmy Baxter: It�s just something he�d do. He�s crazy.� We are fairly sure the truth will be revealed next week, but can you stand to wait?
Belarussian Blatz 80 Syracuse 44�s 69 Oh, what a season this has been for Owner John Stoer. Unlike seasons past, the dizzying array of highs and lows seem to be causing Stoer near paralysis. He has sought to deal with life�s inconsistencies in a number of ways: first, with the long-lasting pleasure at the bottom of a bottle, then with the ephemeral nature of prayer to the divine. In the end, what he might have needed all along was a good, stiff slap in the face. Luckily for Stoer, there is nothing that gives Owner Josh Kowalske more pleasure than smacking strangers, so he and his team did that for the 44�s both literally and figuratively in Week 8. The Blatz were going with a bare bones crew and were without their only decent player, Edgerrin James. Those Blatz who were on the field banded together and made hay while the sun shone. New QB Byron Leftwich (1/16) may have nailed down the starting position with his first all-pro performance and the team�s first all-pro game from the QB slot. They were the last team to have one. Unlike the previous Blatz QB�s, Leftwich seems to feel secure in the pocket and does not run at the first hint of pressure. Kowalske noted, �I honestly did not expect much.� Leftwich hit Chris Chambers (3/22) on a crossing route for a TD and later handed off to Tony Fisher (1/11) for a TD. Kowalske intelligently played two members of Bengals defense and Deltha O�Neal (6/39) and Odell Thurman (1/10) rewarded him with four interceptions and 21 points. Donald Lee (1/1) and Michael Pittman (2/5) did not play well, but they didn�t need to because the 44�s were in the midst of yet another conversion. The trouble actually started before the game when a power made Mark Brunell (2/25) sent Simeon Rice (1/0) home for blasphemy after Rice said, �Jeeze!� Brunell did not inform Stoer of his decision. When times were good, QB Brunell seemed to be speaking reason to Stoer, but something about Michael Strahan � possibly his legendary B.O. that even felled a squirrel � made Brunell weak in the knees. Brunell was unable to recover his composure, scored in negative figures (-1), and lost his holy light. Stoer jeered, �God-boy facing the 30th ranked passing defense in the NFL and negatively impacting the team. Boo God!� A single tear streamed down Brunell�s cheek. Clinton Portis (7/61) was not able to do much beside get the Skins back to 0. There were some positive performance for the 44�s, including �Michael Anderson (5/35) who deserved one after all his consistent hard work� and Tatum Bell (4/26) making like �Franco Harris against the Raiders, hit, deflection, shoestring TD.� Kowalske simply nodded in agreement. Bell and Anderson joined the other 12 players who have scored an all-pro performance for the 44�s once. Only Kerry Collins has two all-pro games for the 44�s. Brian Westbrook (7/77) and L.J. Smith (5/22) also scored TD�s, but it just wasn�t enough. Troy Polamalu (6/48) could have won the game with a huge performance on Monday night, but he, like Charlie Brown, only came up with a rock (6 points). Kowalske cheered, �I have made a grown man cry, but I�ve never watched a Swedish gladiatorial film.� A sober, agnostic Stoer, who has played 40 different players while no other team has played 30, said, �I'm retaking the microphone. I've had it with the ups and downs- be it drunken playboys or bible-thumping do-gooders. Dan Snyder had to learn this lesson too. No more trades- Steve, you�re welcome for Steven Jackson and Marvin Harrison- no more free agent pickups, continuity will be the key, and we will win or lose with the guys we have.� He then checked the waiver wire.
Weaselicious Cookies 70 The Ballbusters 57 After coming up with huge performances in Weeks 6-7, Las Vegas installed the Busters as a 25 point favorite over the flaccid Cookies. A quick scan over the lineup sheet gave Owner Rich Joseph more reason to believe his team could win even without franchise QB Peyton Manning, seeing names like Troy Williamson (2/4), Antwaan Randel El (1/2), Lee Evans (3/1), and retreaded Marshall Faulk (2/2). A quick scan over People magazine also provided Joseph with reason to keep the faith because Owner Dan Weitz was on the cover and mentioned on every other page. After being stood up by Jennifer Aniston, every B- and C-list starlet had been calling the Weitz household. A confused and disappointed Weitz had to turn down such lovely luminaries as Ashley Simpson, Roseanne Barr, and Felicity Waterman (aka Dana from Miracle Beach). Weitz decided to get off of the rumor wheel and concentrate on the things that really mattered to him � finishing with an above .500 record. Despite his roster being crowded with the aforementioned cast of lousy receivers, Weitz knew he could depend on Donovan McNabb (8/127), and QB formerly known as D-Cupp, awarded that faith with 21 points and his 4th all-pro performance. McNabb was one of 6 QB�s who scored 15+, a high for 2005. The Cookies had 0 bench points. Weitz also had the D-flex humming as he coaxed a pair of 12 point performance out of Andra Davis (2/19) and Antonio Pierce (3/38). The D-flex also used simple schemes to confuse the even simpler QB Aaron Brooks (2/12), who might have made his only appearance for the Busters this season. Brooks bobbled a handoff intended for Santana Moss (5/47) causing the previously untouchable Moss to have �.....*&^%*ing negative! (-1).� The WR slot has been trouble for the Busters all season as they are only getting 3.25 ppg from it, a league worst. Nate Burleson (4/10) continued to have a bust of a season for the Busters and the D-flex only combined for 13 points. Joseph tried to talk Priest Holmes (7/81) into a better performance, but then realized that �most talk is waste of time unless it gets you money or.....nevermind.� LaMont Jordan (7/101) did play well with 14 points and earned a gameball, but Joseph still said that the greatest catch in NFL history was made by �Franco Harris.� Still, Jordan does lead the league�s best O-flex (30.25 ppg). Perhaps Joseph should have listened to the suggestion of some reporters that he shouldn�t have messed with his O-flex success with Jordan, Holmes, and Moss, but did he listen? Noooo. The loss was the first for the Busters in Week 8, but more surprisingly, it was the first time the Cookies had ever won in Week 8 � in their 8th try.
Week 9 previews - After a humiliating defeat in Week 8, the Bull City Bares will try to right the ship and continue to lead the league. Their opponent: the philosophically confused Syracuse 44�s. After going with distinctive QB flavors in the beer battered Kerry Collins and wine and wafer Mark Brunell, Owner John Stoer is going with Trent Green. What�s unusual about him? Wait and see. The 44�s also welcome back Joe Horn from hamstring trouble and Robert Mathis from the bye. Mike Peterson will make his 44 debut for the team that has a 4-10 record against the Bares, although they won the last meeting after dropping the three previous. Stoer said, �It is what it is, we don't need incentive.� Owner Randy Chambers is putting all of his eggs in one basket: �M-V-P is b-a-c-k. Win one for the Culpepper.� He is doing a little early lobbying for RB Shaun Alexander, who returns from the bye. Lobbying can�t hurt, but solid play would be better. Alexander will have to get used to a new set of hands for his hand offs because Daunte Culpepper is gone. His replacement is the Professor of Wigginomics, Jake Delhommey the Clown, who said, �Yo yo yo, the D-double-M is back streets, y�all. Now lemme here y�all say, Hey-ey!� Jeremy Stevens is back in the TE slot and Warrick Dunn hopes to supply some O-flex power. Chambers has not named a replacement for DB Terrence McGee. The battle for second place is so on. With a little luck, either the Wookies or Brents could have a share of first place after Week 9. Both teams are coming off of 100 point wins, so the fireworks should be ablaze in this meeting. Owner Will Mitchell said, �Another ferocious battle for sure. The Bretts are tough. I�ll be at the MNF game to watch Harrison battling Dillon�which could be the deciding frame.� So, if you see a fan come out and tackle Marvin Harrison on a breakaway TD, you�ll know who it is. Mitchell has inserted Deion Branch, Jonathan Vilma, and Dwight Freeney in the lineup, but should name a replacement for injured WR Anquan Boldin. The Brents have had their troubles with the large, hairy men as they have dropped four of the last five encounters, including a sweep in 2004. The Wookies are 7-4 overall against the Brents. Owner Steve Johnson is wisely going with local sot QB Kerry Collins again and hopes his O-flex of Brown, Burress, and Johnson are the right choices. Johnson said, �The tough streak continues.� Josh Brown is the Brent kicker. The suddenly flagging Cubists, who have dropped two in a row, face the Cookies, who are just a game behind them. The problem for Owner Jason Moore hasn�t been so much his team�s inability to score, but the opponents are racking up huge totals on them (92.25 ppg). Moore commented, �Last season, right about now we had help on the way with Julius Jones and Larry Johnson. This year, it's up to the same team you've seen all season. It's time to start executing.� Perhaps, this year Moore could rely on Ronnie Brown and newcomer Dan Morgan to fire up the troops. Despite being one of the more winning teams, the Cubists record against the Cookies is only 9-5, including splits in each of the last 3 years. Owner Dan Weitz would like to count on Julius Jones himself, but he � along with keeper Deuce McAllister � continues to be plagued with injury troubles. Weitz will try out Marcell Shipp at the RB position. Joe Jurevicius and Keith Brooking make their returns to the Cookie lineup. No one is sure who is going to be leading the Envy after their sales to J.B., but the lineup looks set against similarly inconsistent Ballbusters. Boobie Miles is taking over for on-the-bye Willis McGahee and Mewelde Moore returns to the Envy O-flex. Missner commented, �I am almost glad to see a well-rested Peyton in that he is not playing Green Bay. We'll be without McGahee, but I think we can rally around Brady showing the Colts how winning is truly done.� The Envy and Busters have split both seasons they have met with the Busters winning the earlier battle in each year. Owner Rich Joseph just blurted, �Help!� And Manning was there. Joey Galloway also returns to the O-flex, but Joseph must find a replacement for Adam Archuleta. Finally, a pair of 3-5 teams coming off of wins meet in the guise of the Coroners and Blatz. The two teams are unfamiliar with each other, so there may be a feeling out period. Owner Chad Nuss said, �Must win for the County to get back to mediocrity.� The Coroners have not changed their lineup, but Curtis Martin will probably be back and Al Wilson will most likely be out. Owner Josh Kowalske also welcomes back his stud runner, Edgerrin James. Dallas Clark will try to negotiate the perils of New England. A replacement kicker will be sought for the Blatz.
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