Bull City Bares 87 P-Miss Envy 49 Just as his hastily put together corporation was about to erupt Enron-style, Owner Perry Missner caught a glimpse of one possible future. In that time and place, the Envy would come together, despite being down a player or two, and upset the powerful, first place Bull City Bares. This victory would cause the EnvyCorp stock to shoot up, making the stockholders fatter and happier, and everyone would just leave Missner alone. Sadly, we live in this plane of the multiverse and none of the preceding events occurred. What did occur was harsh reality where only the strong survive and in 2005, nothing is stronger than a Bare. Fortunately, something did occur that made everyone happy � Daunte Culpepper (6/52) broke out of his slump in the second half against the ridiculously awful Packer defense and scored his second all-pro performance with 23 points. Owner Randy Chambers crowed, �I hope Daunte gets a gameball from both owners, including one from Perry for beating the Peckers. He certainly gets one from here.� While Daunte�s performance was as inspiring as Envy�s the game of QB Josh McCown (1/7) was poor, Missner had another Viking in mind when handing out his gameball: �K Paul Edinger [who notched a sweet 56 yard field goal with time expiring to win the game] - even before the Bears played that aesthetically unpleasing, but eventually very pleasing game, Edinger made me very happy. Packer fans had been telling me how lousy the Vikings were. Now, they have nothing to say.� The last comment about the Vikings win came from RB Mewelde Moore (1/10) who snatched one of Culpepper�s errant throws and ran it in for a score. Moore and McNown scored the only Envy TD�s, while replacement players Anthony Thomas (1/1) and Ricky Williams (1/0) failed to produce and were cut for their ineffectiveness. Adding fat to the fire for Missner � who believes that �Ted Washington could find a place to fit another 10 buckets of chicken (with gravy) - easy. He might come back and play a year later, causing color commentators to chortle at his listed weight.� � was that the Bare D-flex has eclipsed his own as the league�s greatest. The Envy D-flex scored a mere 13 points, their low, while the Bare D-flex (averaging 27.43 ppg) scored 25 points, including a relatively mild 3 from Mike Brown (2/8). WR Hines Ward (6/50) returned for recent injury troubles to score 8, which was matched by Mike Vanderjagt (7/45), who seems to have trouble with �every QB.� Warrick Dunn (4/33) provided the sac punch with an additional 10 on Monday night, pushing the win further into the blowout stratosphere. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team is off to their best start ever (they were 5-2 in 5 other years, but never 6-1) summed up the Week 7 experience by saying, �A perfect week. Daunte gets hot against the Peckers, the Skins hit the half-century mark and the Cowgirls choke like the puss-wad girlie men they have always been.� Meanwhile, J.B., the mysterious new owner of the EnvyCorp, has given Missner a written ultimatum to win or else get out. A nonplussed Missner, who saw his team fall to 1-7 in Week 7�s, commented, �We could bemoan the fact that we were missing four starters, including two important ones, but our choices for replacements stunk. And as a relative told me when I decided not to marry within the Jewish faith, �it's all about choices, Perry, choices.� By the way, that person was surreptitiously given the appropriate finger.�
Syracuse 44�s 110 San Francisco Cubists 84 Why, it seems like it was a mere month ago that the Syracuse 44�s were led by a drunken lout who a mere one belch away from vomiting at all times. Yes, in fact, it was just a month ago that Owner John Stoer used QB Kerry Collins as his spokesmodel and talking head. After a little angel whispered in Stoer�s ear that the time might have come for him to start getting serious about life and cast off his hell raising ways, Stoer told the angel to �shut the hell up.� Yet, those damn angels are persistant, so they kept whispering in Stoer�s ears until he did the unthinkable � he signed QB and Champion of Christ Mark Brunell (1/26). Brunell, who had been barnstorming the country, preaching the holy gospel, and trying to sell paper goods, had heard about that the 44�s had fallen from salvation. He was always up for a challenge, but he didn�t know that the greatest challenge would come from Stoer himself. Still, it only took a week of late night chats about spirituality, souls, and the hereafter before Stoer was a complete convert. He swore off beer (except for the non-alcoholic kind), took a vow of chastity, and got one of those bowl haircuts. Stoer also demanded his entire team do the same and the results were obvious. With an army of Champions of Christ in his corner, Brunell started tossing short passes to tight ends like the kingdom had come. Brunell ended up with 26 points, but his play inspired RB Clinton Portis (6/60) to nearly double his season�s point production with 24 points. Each 44/Skin scored 3 TD�s and Brunell pronounced, �This was a team lost to sin and debauchery, fortunately we are all brothers now in the Lord's eyes and in the locker room.� Unlike most self-professed prophets, Brunell did not take all of the credit for the victory as proclaimed, �Humility is important so Ass, I mean Az, Hakim (1/17) deserves this special honor.� And verily, Hakim, who was plucked off the waiver wire just before gametime, found his place among the disciples and scored his first all-pro performances since the time Methuselah was young. These three wise men � Brunell, Portis, and Hakim � combined for all 7 44 TD�s and 67 points. The opponent, the San Francisco Cubists (ah, San Francisco, another den of sin), hardly mattered as the 44�s seemed to be on another plane entirely. Mere mortals, the Cubists struggled against the righteous tide. The ever-effective Cubist wideouts, Terrell Owens (6/69) and Larry Fitzgerald (6/60) each scored a TD and Dominck Davis (6/50) led the offense with 12, but T.O. and Ray Lewis (6/50) had to be separated several times, despite being on the same team. LB Jeremiah Trotter (1/18) seemed to be blessed with Brunell�s awesome power and was given a gameball for his all-pro performance. Owner Jason Moore was not pleased by replacement QB Matt Hasselbeck�s (1/7) play and Jamal Lewis (5/15) came up empty against the staunch Bear defense. The two owners agreed that 44 backup Jerome Bettis was most likely to gain 100 pounds after retirement, although Brunell was a bit kinder, �Brother Jerome will feed off the Lord's good graces for many years to come.� Moore, whose team is allowing the most points in the league (91.86 ppg) commented on the recent history against the 44�s, �Last time it was Collins and Porter, this time it was Brunell and Portis... at least I support the 'Skins scoring. We missed Bulger's leadership.� Mark Brunell, who led the 44�s to their first ever blowout win over the Cubists, commented piously, ��I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see.� It is with regret that the Cubists, a truly respected rival, had to be the first casualty, but our drive for excellence will tolerate no opposition.� While the startling transition from hellish to saintly has transformed the 44�s, no one can tell how long such a movement will last.
The Ballbusters 128 Peaks Island Wookies 75 When it comes to New England, what comes to mind? Yes, there is Red Sox nation which is nicely symbolized by Jimmy Fallon. Sure, you can mention the people�s funny accent in dropping �R�s.� And, you could even talk about fine educational institutions like Harvard, BC, BU, Tufts, Colby College, Hampshire, and Middlebury. But, the two things that leap instantly to my mind are Wookies and Ballbusters (or, Gapshots, if you will). These two teams have always battled for regional pride and in Week 7 that pride was evident. No one really believed that Owner Rich Joseph�s team had turned the corner after their 141 outpouring against the Coroners in Week 6, but Joseph believed. He knew he had something special going and that specialness continued into Week 7. Once again led by their suddenly dominating O-flex, the Busters have found that touch that propelled them into a co-championship in 2003. Much like in Week 6, the O-flex scored 59 points on 6 TD�s, but in Week 7 the scoring was not quite as balanced. LaMont Jordan (6/87) was given a gameball for his 28 point outburst, his third all-pro performance of the season. Jordan was backed by an early Friday bust out by Priest Holmes (6/78) who knocked in 18 points, setting the tone for the week. The flex was rounded out by Santana Moss (4/48) who has formed a special connection with QB Peyton Manning (7/96) that Manning and WR Keyshawn Johnson (�can we say �clash!��) just have not been able to form. Joseph was only displeased by TE Tony Gonzalez.: �I know he was on the bench. I'm trying to get him fired up for the rest of the season. I think he's ready to break out!� While the Buster steam roller (which included an all-pro performance from the defensive side � 17 points from Adam Archuleta (2/25)) was just starting to flatten, the Wookies were flattened by a lack of steam. Owner Will Mitchell tried to stoke the fires with some new blood in Brandon Jones (1/11) and Jerry Porter (1/2), but Porter just got in a fight with Deion Branch, prompting Mitchell to announce, �Porter won�t be around long.� Mitchell centered the plight on one NFL team�s performance, �The BENGALS against the always overrated and overachieving Steelers.� They may be overrated and overachieving, but they stopped up weekly all-pro QB Carson Palmer (7/124) for only 7 points, cutting his all-pro performance streak at 6. Rudi Johnson (7/50) was similar stuffed for four and Anquan Boldin (3/28) gained a measly point by rushing. The good news for the Wookies was that Antonio Gates (6/46) took over the tight end lead in point which is precious to Mitchell�s heart and the defense earned a couple of gameballs, �Dwight Freeney (7/55) and Jonathan Vilma (7/71). Those guys have been consistently good on the D.� Mitchell, who saw his team�s record fall to 1-6 in Week 7�s, said, �Well, we got steamrolled by Alexander last week, Priest and Jordan in week 7. One thing I can say is I saw this coming. The emotion just wasn�t there after last week�s crushing defeat, but that�s no excuse. We�re determined to reverse the curse (or is that copyrighted?). We�ve suffered two embarrassing defeats in a row, but mark my words, look for a Wookie comeback and a string of victories.� Joseph said, �Two big weeks in a row has got the team fired up!�
County Coroners 82 Dan ♥ Jen 4Ever 55 Throughout lockerrooms and around water coolers and bongs, the Modano league was abuzz with rumors and innuendoes about the crazy events that lead to one of our own dating a television superstar and movie supporting roll player. Almost everyone in the league had a prediction on how hot and heavy the action would get when Owner Dan Weitz and actress Jennifer Aniston met for their second date. Some owners believed that Weitz would do well, including Owner Randy Chambers who predicted, Dan would be �succesful beyond his wildest (and wettest) dreams. When Brad tries to off him, Dan's jujitsu will take him out� while Owner Will Mitchell predicted �a walk off homer� and Owner Rich Joseph commented obliquely, �He'll make it to the furnace!� Others were not so confident in Weitz�s abilities, such as Owner Jason Moore, who said, �Let's just say the Princess Leia outfit is still a ways off.� Owner Perry Missner took a more analytical approach, �Knowing the permissive nature of the generic Hollywood starlet, I'd say at least third base. Knowing Dan, a harrassment suit is a possibility as well.� Whereas, Owner Steve Johnson countered, �Do you even need to ask?� Only QB Mark Brunell, speaking on behalf of Owner John Stoer, was unhappy about the relationship, �This match is already the work of, hmmm, Satan?! Get that Jezebel Aniston away from Weitz, remove that temptress, and burn her in the adulterous fires of Hell!!� Strong words, indeed. While no one really knows what happened, we here in the media center of Modano land have learned from someone on the inside of the situation that there was actually no second date yet. It seems Ms. Aniston has told friends that although she believes that she and Weitz could have a future, she couldn�t go out with him last Thursday because she had to wash her hair. When reminded that she washed her hair on Wednesday and didn�t need to wash it again the following day, Aniston stammered and said something unrecognizable. We also learned that Weitz has continued to call her with no reply and, further, that Weitz has been approached by Angelina Jolie, who said she�d always felt like Weitz was a brother to her. Despite our inside knowledge, Weitz released a press statement on Friday telling the media to leave him and his girlfriend alone, and that �I can tell you from first hand experience that many home runs were hit that day.� Please notice, he did not say how many. Nevertheless, the hope for the second date continues, which is good because the Cookies have little hope at this point in the season. In losing to the Coroners, who had been blown out four times in a row, the Cookies fell into a last place tie. Only Donovan McNabb (7/106) and Donte Stallworth (2/17) scored TD�s for the Cookies and team was led by Antonio Pierce�s (2/26) 12 points. Meanwhile, the Coroners won for the first time since Week 1 and were led by an all-pro QB Drew Brees (5/70) and LB DeMorrio Williams (3/35). The Coroners were the only team without a defensive all-pro performance prior to Week 7, even though only 1 defensive TD (Blatz�s Jason Taylor in Week 1) has been scored). Owner Chad Nuss said he was sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston and didn�t see what was so special about her in the first place. Weitz sobbed at his team, �Team your on your own I have better things to do with my time. Good Luck [vaginal exudate matter]. Don�t spend any money and try not to embarrass Jen and I. Oh yeah Mcnabb keep an eye on the kids.�
Brentful Brents 85 Belarussian Blatz 73 While it was clear that the league could not decide the fate of Dan & Jen, there was one thing that almost all league members agreed upon: that once Brent Farf (4/68) retires he will add fat to his list of many adjectives (which presently include moronic, hillbilly, inbred, and � a new one � loser!). Both Owners Rich Joseph and Will Mitchell (�Farvere!�) mentioned the Brent starter as well as Owner Randy Chambers (�Unless he hangs out with Crissy Collinsworth like that fool Aikman, the inbred hillbilly moron will have a huge beer gut within five years of hanging his interception-throwing arm up.�) and Owner Dan Weitz (�No brainer Brent Farve with a name like Brent you cant help but be fat,� which caused Brent Musberger to run off in a wailing cry). Other than Jerome Bettis and Ted Washington, the only other player mentioned was by Owner Steve Johnson, who chose fringe NFL player WR David Boston, �That workout warrior type will balloon up after his active pace suddenly stops.� Either that, or his heart will give out due to the ingestion of massive quantities of roids. The downside of the league consensus is that his impending obesity may cause Farf never to retire, playing into his 60�s as a scrawny, decrepid, toothless, and inept QB. We all know that Packer fans would love such a scenario. Either that, or they�d still be calling for his backup, who at that point might as well be Craig Nall Jr. On Sunday, Farf proved he could still score � in the first half � leading his team with 22 points, but none in the second half. Unfortunately, his misplaced throws caused Blatz O-flex members Robert Ferguson (4/27) and Ahole �Put it on the� Green (6/22) to be mashed by Viking defensive players. It is possible we will never hear from either player again. A mistimed handoff caused Chris Brown (4/12) to be the third Brent to score in negative figures this year and the Blatz were able to confound stud RB LaDainian Tomlinson (7/125) for just a single point. Johnson had a backup plan in his namesake Steven Jackson (4/53), who earned the gameball for, �stepping up when LT has his one bad game.� Marvin Harrison (5/25) also hit pay dirt and Jason Elam (7/51) hit for 11. The Blatz actually scored more TD�s than the Brents, but there was too few yards to compensate. RB Edgerrin James (7/103) scored two more times and was an all-pro for the second time, while Keenan McCardell (6/38) and Chris Chambers (2/15) also wandered into the endzone. Michael Vick (6/45) had a chance to push the Blatz to victory on Monday night, but he needed to outscore Alge Crumpler (7/39) by 14. Despite scoring two TD�s to Crumpler�s none, Vick only won the battle by 2. Check and mate. Owner Josh Kowalske summed up his season in a single sound, �ugh.� Johnson did not offer his fellow Packer backer any sympathy, but noted, �Even with an off game by my stud, the team came together to get us to [a share of] 2nd place."
Week 8 previews - Just like they have the past two weeks, the Bull City Bares will be able to swat away another contender for their top spot in Week 7. In this case, it will be the Brentful Brents. Owner Randy Chambers noted, �Bring on the next victim!! The Brentfuls may want vengeance on Daunte, but I don't see any half-breed, small-market team keeping up with the Bull City steamroller.� Hmmm, sounds like someone might be a bit too big for their britches. But Chambers has reason for confidence because the Bares have won the last three matchups against the Brents and hold a 7-4 series edge. The downside is that the Bares will be hurt by the byes, missing out on stud RB Shaun Alexander, steady RB Warrick Dunn, TE Jerramy Stevens, and K Mike Vanderjagt. Chambers has named Stephen Davis as a replacement and welcomes back WR Randy Moss from injury with cuts to �F%&!ing Norv -- can't even fill out an injury report correct!?� Owner Steve Johnson has lesser bye trouble as he is without WR Marvin Harrison and TE Alge Crumpler, but he has quickly named WR Plaxico Burress (who sources tell us can�t get along with T.J. Houshmandzadeh) and TE Heath Miller as replacements. Interception thrower extraordinaire Brent Farf is also out of the lineup as Johnson tries to counter Moss with QB Kerry Collins. Cowboy RB Marion Barber makes his Brent debut just to stick one in Chambers� craw. A pair of unhappy 4-3 teams meet when the Envy and Wookies face off. Owner Perry Missner noted, �Both teams are coming off of bad losses, so there is going to be plenty of intensity. However, we were flat out embarrassed by our Week 7 play and we will be looking to mash some Wookies. Our starters are back and Will had better not stand to close to the sidelines.� Those starters include the entire Envy O-flex and QB Tom Brady. Owner Will Mitchell welcomes back his own cadre of starters, including RB Corey Dillon, WR Deion Branch, and WR Jimmy Smith. Mitchell, whose team owns a 6-4 series lead despite being swept last year, said, �We�ve got the Envy on the road � tough matchup � both sitting at 4-3 and feeling like now is the time to surge. But the Envy are too schizo � they score either 100+ or 50. We brought in Tillman to counterpunch Brady and throw Coach Missner into a big of a Bill Cowher scowl�we know his players better than he does and they wont respond when he gets flustered.� Recent history (see Mike Brown) shows that playing Bears against the Envy is not a great play, although playing Packers opponents like Carson Palmer and Rudi Johnson could pave the road to Wookie victory. A couple of old Bay area friends will make each other acquaintances as the San Francisco Cubists and County Coroners renew their rivalry. While the Cubists hold a 9-3 series edge, the teams have split their last couple of meetings. Owner Jason Moore has yet to name a replacement QB and O-flex member for Matt Hasselbeck and Reggie Wayne, but Jake Plummer is a likely QB. Moore gulped, �Looks like another rough week ahead.� Owner Chad Nuss will be without keeper RB Curtis Martin and new found defensive stud DeMorrio Williams. Replacements will be made on Sunday morning. The fourth and final 4-3 team is the sneaky Syracuse 44�s. Well, they used to be sneaky, but they have their lord and savior, Mark Brunell, who speaketh, �We will pray for the Blatz and their delivery from all that is unholy (i.e. Green Bay), and then we will purify them so that they, someday, may see the light of truth as well.� Brunell may need to use his healing powers on WR Torry Holt, who is ailing with some knee trouble. RB Michael Anderson may be in the lineup and Simeon Rice makes his Modano debut. Owner Josh Kowalske has seen his Packers falling like snow. He has now lost three (Ahole Green, Robert Ferguson, and Javon �Post� Walker) to injury, so we can only hope that David Martin and Tony Fisher are somehow able to stay healthy. Kowalske is starting QB Byron Leftwich and has a hole in his D-flex. Finally, two teams striving to get to .500 meet. Sadly, only one has an interest in football as Owner Dan Weitz has been camping out outside of Jennifer Aniston�s door. Weitz is going to have to find time to name replacements for WR Joe Jurevicius, Laveranues Coles, and LB Keith Brooking. A look at the Cookie bench reveals a lot of players who are hurt. Frankly, we just hope things work out for the two lovebirds. For Owner Rich Joseph, who has surprisingly seen his team split with the Cookies in four meetings, things are on the upswing. He said, �We play our best ball without Peyton! We've been doing it all year!� Yes, last year�s MVP Peyton Manning is out on the bye, so Joseph is starting erratic QB and former Blatz member Aaron Brooks. He has also messed with his award winning (32.14 ppg) O-flex by naming Priest Holmes and Santana Moss into the WR and RB slots, respectively, and putting Thomas Jones and Nate Burleson in the O-flex. Joseph has returned Tony Gonzalez to the lineup and Karlos Dansby makes his debut.
----------------------------------Whatever Will Be, Will Be Press------------------------