Bull City Bares 86 Peaks Island Wookies 68 All week long, Owner Randy Chambers walked with the air of someone who had already won the much hyped first place battle with the Peaks Island Wookies. He even went without uttering anything about always respecting a Wookie. In 2005, that respect had been tossed out the window. Chambers knew he had history on his side and that every year, like the inevitable change of season, the Wookies may start quickly but they always fade in the end. Ever a student of history, Chambers noted the passage of time had made him feel old in that “[I’ve been at this crap for] nine years of fantasy football! I used to think I was nine years old, and now I've just been playing this fantastic sport for nine years. Wow.” In fact, the only thing that amazed Chambers about the Wookies was “how so few of them avoid detection on 'roids. C'mon!” Things were not looking so rosy as gameball earning Carson Palmer (6/117) did what he has consistently done this season – scored another all-pro performance. With shades on a late 90’s Drew Bledsoe, Palmer zinged a couple of scores for 21 points. He also handed off with aplomb as his running mate Rudi Johnson (6/46) scored a third Bengal/Wookie TD (ooh, imagine if a tiger and a wookie mated!). With those early scores on the board, the Wookies seemed to relax and did not get much else going. RB Corey Dillon (6/55) – a former Bengal – took the day off and TE Antonio Gates (5/35) looked more like the 2003 version (unheard of) than the 2004 version. Still, Owner Will Mitchell is impressed by NFL player’s “size, strength, and toughness.” Third string K Nate Kaeding (1/9) did a fine job as a replacement, but the non-Bengals meager output had to cause Mitchell plenty of worry. Chambers had plenty to worry about as well as his early players played poorly. For example, QB Daunte Culpepper (5/29) “is ice cold.” Culpepper was bothered and busted by the black and blue Bear defense enough to make him look like a feeble rookie. In fact, the vaunted Culpepper to Randy Moss (5/41) connection managed a mere one point. Hines Ward (5/42) matched Dillon’s output and play and RB Stephen Davis (5/41) did little better. The only TD for the Bares during the lighted hours came from RB Warrick Dunn(3/33) who managed 13 points. Only the indefatigable Bear (proper spelling!) D-flex held their own with a combined 27 points. Their performance this season has appealed to all, much like the Princess Bride, which is a “chick flick with enough funny lines to get the guys through it.” In the late game, Jerramy Stevens (2/11) played like raw suet. While the rest of the players played like loose dander, they were just setting the stage for Shaun Alexander (6/117). The running back with all-pro performances of four, did something the Vikings are adept at: score! Now, no more rhymes, and this time we mean it! Does anybody want a peanut? Alexander scored 33 points for the second time this season and single handedly lifted the Bares into first place. Chambers, whose team now has the longest winning streak since the Beers won 9 in a row in 2003, happily gave his long time RB (and companion) the gameball and summed the game up by pronouncing, “What a shock. The Wookies fold in the face of a championship-tested team. Any early votes for MVP candidate? We've never tasted that hardware.” Mitchell could only reply, “It was the game to define my season and I came up short. With Culpepper and Moss combining for ONE point I should have taken him to school. But Dillon sat and Alexander would not sit til he had 33 pts and sole possession of first place.”
San Francisco Cubists 90 Brentful Brents 82 Respect. It is a word that is used often in our society, but never really given its due … respect. Sure, a few of us respect our elders and a large percentage of us respect our betters. However, when it comes to the Modano Mi Hermano league, respect seems to be in short supply. Each week there are owners cursing each other out and writing to the commissioner about plays and strategies they thought were unfair. Yet, when it comes the relationship between Owners Steve Johnson and Jason Moore, we can honestly say that there is something there that verges on respect. Johnson knows that Moore has earned what the Brents aspire to be: championships. While Moore knows that Johnson and his team possess something that the Cubists have lost: innocence and a sense of naïve grace. So, it was out of respect that Johnson benched inbred hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf to allow this game to be played by true professionals. True professionals like current Brent QB Kerry Collins (5/70). Er, true professionals like Mr. Punctual, Plaxico Burress (4/38). Ah hell, let’s face facts, the Brents only have one true professional that garners respect in all corners and that’s LaDainian Tomlinson (6/124). Watching Tomlinson score repeatedly (like a boatful of Vikings in “international waters” which caused Johnson to be amazed by “How short sighted they are. Perhaps it is just a result of pampered youth, but they believe they will always be able to perform (and act) like this and do not need to think of others or the future.”) was to Moore like a movie that appeals equally to men and women: “Groundhog Day.” Once again, Tomlinson did it all, even throwing for his second TD of the season. To no one’s surprise, Johnson handed LT the gameball once again. Tomlinson’s performance was so amazing (like those 300 lb offensive lineman who amaze Moore with their grace), that the rest of the Brents stood around and gaped at him (or, the same as usual for Farf), like Johnson gaping that his nephews are starting school, making him feel old. “School!” Even Johnson was struck dumb as he spoke in the first, second, and third person, all in the same paragraph, “I have to blame Coach Johnson for this loss. Steve Johnson relied to much on LT to get it done. LT is simply the best football player out there today, but we have to win as a team. Steve Johnson did not get his other players prepared for the game, as they slacked off to watch LT do his thing. You can not do that when playing a quality team like the Cubists.” The Cubists did not really get it revved up on Sunday either as only WR Rod Smith (2/25), who makes Moore feel old because “he’s my age and he’s nearing the end of his career,” scored a TD. The defense was present as gameball-earning Zach Thomas (3/45) and Ray Lewis (5/45) scored 28 points. Heading into Monday night, the Brents held a one page edge, but were outnumbered in players remaining – 4 to 2. Brent RB Steven Jackson (3/34) scored an early TD, but succumbed to Ahman Greenitis later in the game. The Brents then narrowed the odds by taking out Cubist QB Marc Bulger (6/93), but not before he could hit Kevin Curtis (1/10) for a TD. Reggie Wayne (6/33) and Marvin Harrison (4/15) offset each other, allowing the Cubists to get their 4th win of the season and first by less than 10 points. Started his post-game interview by mocking reporters, “Didn't we already answer this one?” then Johnson noted, “There was an openning with Jamo having some costly byes, but we couldn't get it done.” That’s respect! Moore said, “Great performance by our WRs. Tomlinson is the frickin' man but we were lucky that the rest of their team had an off week.” That’s respect!
The Ballbusters 141 County Coroners 71 You can say this about Owner Rich Joseph: he knows how to put on a show, even if no one is watching. The Modano network carted out their worst pair of announcers – Corky from “Life Goes On” and Bill Walton – and decided to air the game on the Outdoor Life Network, but Joseph kept boasting all week long about how his team was going to bust out in a big way and how everybody loves “The Sting.” Few people listened, but Owner Chad Nuss was one that was buying into Joseph’s rants. Nuss knew his banged up team had better prepare or go home a five time loser. The only one who listened to Nuss was second year Coroner Curtis Martin (6/46), who sipped enough juice from the fountain of youth to score his second straight all-pro performance – this time with 16 points. The Coroners received two more scores from QB Drew Brees (4/54), but only 11 points. Only LB DeMorrio Williams (2/20) scored in double figures (13) as the rest of the team ran in circles and into each other. Ugly. Meanwhile, it wasn’t “their size” that amazed Joseph about NFL players, it was their ability and frequency to score (and we didn’t even mention any of the Vikings). The team was led by Santana Moss (3/35) who earned the gameball, a rousing a capella edition of “Oye como vas” from Joseph, followed by Joseph’s personal guest Rob Thomas singing “Smooth.” The party continued with Priest Holmes (5/60) who apparently likes his position in the O-flex enough to score his first all-pro performance. RB Thomas Jones (4/44) spent the afternoon running over spent Vikings for 14 and Joey Galloway (2/17) snagged a TD for 12. The only Buster that Joseph was unimpressed by was Tony Gonzalez (5/7), who “will go back to the bench.” RB LaMont Jordan (5/59) stuck a dagger in Nuss’s heart by scoring 17 points and allowing the Busters to go double-triflexa! Two TD’s for each member of the O-flex. Sweet. The 63 points by O-flex were the most since the Bears O-flex scored an incredible 73 points in 2001. As if being up by 31 points wasn’t enough, Joseph decided to pour on the kerosene and light the fire with a super blowout on Monday. QB Peyton Manning (6/83) had his third all-pro game with 18 and two members of the Buster D-flex combined for another 21. The 70 point margin made Joseph feel old “like the top of my head” and was the biggest blow out since the opening week of 2004 when the Bares blew out the Cookies historically (by 74 points). The Busters also set a season record for TD’s scored (11) and most points scored this season (eclipsing the 135 by the Bares in Week 3) and in franchise history (upping the 136 scored on the Cookies in Week 8 of 2004). The Coroners have now dropped five in a row, their longest losing streak since 2003 when they dropped 7 to open the season. The last four losses have all been of the blowout variety, equaling a record set by three teams in 2001 (the Brents, Wookies, and Mountain Devils). Joseph summed up the game easily, “I'd hate to be playin' the Busters!”
P-Miss Envy 110 Belarussian Blatz 67 The day of reckoning had come for EnvyCorp. Scores had been as impressive as ever and margins were gaining, but the board of directors is a greedy bunch of fat cats who like to light their cigarettes with $10 bills. That’s big time! Owner Perry Missner had done all that he could to keep the word out by setting an unprecedented advertising and product development budget, but the goals set by the board and the shareholders were unreachable. Unanimously, the board decided to sell, but they allowed the incumbent managerial staff to get through one more week before they started making “tough decisions.” Missner had worried about team morale in light of the sale and was concerned that the Envy would fall to the lightly regarded Belarussian Blatz, the model of Eastern European efficiency. Fortunately for Missner, the Envy wanted to send the Missner regime off on a happy note and were led by the ultimate leader, QB Tom Brady (5/65). QB Steve “Pear” McNair had been scheduled to start, but his bio-implants in his back started acting up, causing him to tell his coach and buddy to stick on the bench. Brady gave a rousing speech to the early game guys and those who played responded. WR Chad Johnson (6/66) snagged a TD and his third all-pro game and the league’s leading WR Steve Smith (6/80) also grabbed a TD, but fell a point short of another all-pro game. On the WR charts, Smith and Johnson are 1 and 2. Missner expressed amazing at NFL wide receivers in general, “I am amazed how quickly they get off the line.The QB takes three steps back and the receivers are already 8-10 yards downfield. How'd they get there?” TE Jeremy Shockey (5/40) sauntered into the endzone once again and set a season TE record with 14. He is now the league’s top scoring tight end. Brian Urlacher (5/61) finished off the early all-pro Envy games with his second for 16. Missner was only let down by Michael Clayton (6/11) once again and debuting RB Cedric Benson (1/0), “although it wasn't really his fault. Thomas Jones is a gamer, apparently. That and it seems like the Bears coaching staff don't like Benson much - they aren't even trying to get him the ball. He'll get his chance, but it may not be this season.” While the Envy were scoring at will, Owner Josh Kowalske could do nothing to fire up his team. Prior to the game, he hosted a movie screening that he figured would appeal equally to both men and women: “any porn, if you know what I mean.” Men and women were both aghast at the poor production values, but it would have been worse if Kowalske had listened to Missner’s suggestion: “Baby Geniuses - it appeals to no one.” Kowalske then felt old because of all the “young, hot chicks” on screen. The brand, spanking new O-flex for the Blatz did brand, spanking nothing. The three new receivers combined for 6 points and the D-flex did little better with just 11. Kowalske was disgusted by Michael Vick (5/38) who did manage to score 9, but he was amazed by the punishment Vick takes. Only two Envy were left after 3PM CDT – Brady and RB Willis McGahee (6/64). Both scored their second all-pro games, with Brady getting the gameball because “we were iffy on starting him against the Broncos, but he came through for me - outscoring McNair by 13. As long as he's healthy, he'll be my starter.” Heading into Monday, the score could have been downright embarassing for the Blatz, and Leonard Little (4/14) did little to help. Kowalske allowed RB Edgerrin James (6/82) to do whatever he wanted, and James scored a season high 28 points, earning his first all-pro performance and a gameball. Kowalske summed up his team, the lowest scoring in the league, with “every week is tough with this team.” Despite the possibility of this being his last week with the Envy, Missner commented, “We were a bit worried about a let down against the Blatz and it was probably a good thing that James played after the game was out of reach. Just consistent excellency from five or six guys. We seemed to have solved our kicking problem. Now, we just need to get through a few more byes.” Late word had a mysterious company headed by a man only referred to as J.B. as the top candidate to buy Envycorp. More details on the burgeoning story to come.
Weaselicious Cookies 71 Syracuse 44’s 62 Owner Dan Weitz was having a great day. First, he found a $20 bill in his fall jacket that he hadn’t worn since last year. Next, he decided not to be a fat cat and light his cigarette with it because he found a lighter next to the money. Then he went out to the mailbox and found out that he may already be a winner in the Ed McMahon sweepstakes. He threw that notice away and started leafing through his daily copy of Variety. Looking through the casting calls, one called out to him like a message from above: “Wanted – one boyfriend for recently separated ‘Friend.’ Needs to be as far away from Brad Pitt in every respect possible. Please call 213-555-8632 and ask for Ms. Aniston.” “Hmmm,” thought Weitz, “I’m perfect.” “Honey,” he called across the house to his wife, “come look at this.” After reading it over, Weitz asked his wife what she thought. She agreed that it sounded perfect, but reminded Weitz, “remember our deal.” Weitz then dialed the number, ramped up his courage, and began chatting with Jennifer Aniston. When asked for references, Weitz said that he owned his own football franchise. Aniston, an avid football fan and blog reader, asked in what league. When Weitz answered that he was an owner in the Modano Mi Hermano league, Aniston yelped and said she was a big fan of the recaps and whoever wrote them “is dead sexy.” Weitz lied, “I write those recaps.” To which, Aniston yelped again, then she was quiet for a bit. After thinking, she’d hung up, Weitz said, “Hello?” Aniston then said, “Well, you sound really nice, Dan, but if you are really serious about taking me out, you’ll have to do something amazing, something unheard of, something nearly impossible: I want to you to win this weekend in the Modano Mi Hermano league without a QB.” Weitz gulped and promised he’d do his best. He knew that he was one step ahead in that his team would be without QB Donovan McNabb, who was on the bye. “Heck,” thought Dan, “I’ll just leave him in there.” He then started to gameplan against his opponent, the Syracuse 44’s. First, he sent phony injury reports to the Syracuse head office, claiming that WR Joe Horn (4/16), RB Jerome Bettis (1/0), and RB Kevin Jones (5/30) were all completely healthy. Without verifying the reports, Owner John Stoer put all three in his lineup and they contributed a single point. Stoer commented, “Horn and Bettis can watch from the bench for a while and die.” Stoer said he was amazed by “How truly spectacular [NFL player] can be after I trade them, and how downright putrid they can be after I acquire them. Actually, I'm not amazed by that at all.” Clearly, the Weitz strategy of demoralization was working. Then, Weitz went through back channels to recommend LB Lofa Tatupu (1/4), a name he figured was made up, and TE Jermaine Wiggins (5/14) from the worn out Vikings. They each contributed four points. For his own team, Weitz coaxed TD’s out of Joe Jurevicius (3/23), Jason Witten (6/30), and Donte Stallworth (1/11). Each played like a teenage watching Evil Dead 2, which made Stoer feel old. He pushed his D-flex for 25 points and his ever stead K Jeff Wilkins (6/46) for 8. All of the subterfuge and deviousness (almost as much as in a single episode of “Friends”) provided Weitz with what he needed to attain the victory and a date with Ms. Jennifer Aniston, causing Stoer to comment, “$@#%*@&%#^*&@%#*&%@*#&%@*&#%*@&#%@*&%^^**)(*#&)#(&)!&OY##^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,” but at the same time be happy for Weitz. While out on their date at the Viper Club, Aniston asked if Mrs. Weitz would mind if her husband were out on a date. Weitz replied that she was with Will Smith right now. Aniston countered, “Oh, you mean that sleazy Saints defensive lineman,” and Weitz just smiled.
Week 7 previews - The top of the heap can be a lonely place, just ask Martha Stewart, or Owner Randy Chambers, if you prefer. Every team with a heartbeat and a lust for championship glory will be aiming for the Bull City Bares and the first challenger is the P-Miss Envy, whose ownership problems must yet be resolved. Another problem that could face Owner Perry Missner, if he is retained, is that his entire O-flex is on the bye as well as QB Tom Brady. Missner noted, “We are going into the week with an entirely new O-flex, which includes third down backs and retreads. Maybe Saban's not just blowing smoke about getting Ricky the ball and maybe Mewelde will run wild. I'll be off a split mind when it comes to the Bares roster, but I'll be rooting for Daunte and Mike Brown as if they were full-fledged Envy members.” But these are minor trifles. Missner can be confident in the fact that the Envy beat the Bares in their only meeting last year and hold a 7-6 series advantage. One reason for pessimism is that the Envy are only 1-6 in previous Week 7’s. Chambers also his own roster trouble, “We are envious of our opponent. With Moss and Heinz hurtin' and Culpepper playing like Danny Wuerful, this is not a typical Bull City crew. Fortunately, we put our trust in Shaun marking up another 4 TDs and offset our other disasters with our new-found devotion to playing tough D.” Moss and Ward are still in the lineup but could be replaced by Eric Moulds and Isaac Bruce. These two teams are well-matched because they have the top two D-flexes, their overall totals are separated by one point, and they both winning by the largest margins (24.67 ppg margin for the Bares and 17.17 for the Envy). We head up to the frigid Northeast for the next battle as the Wookies and Busters vie for the annual Chowdah Bowl. The Wookies are coming off a demoralizing loss at the hands of the Bares and the Busters have been renewed by their thrashing of the Coroners. As promised, Owner Rich Joseph has benched Tony Gonzalez in favor of Chris Cooley and has named Jeff Reed as his replacement kicker. Joseph confidently stated, “I'm the tough matchup!” Owner Will Mitchell, whose team swept the Busters last year to even the series at 2-2, has had trouble finding enough players. He currently has one open O-flex slot and WR Brandon Jones in another slot. DB Roy Williams will be making his Wookie debut, while Tedy Bruschi will be walking the sidelines as Mitchell’s personal aide-de-camp. Mitchell said, “I’m scared. Bye week blues – emotional letdown after last week – manning and holmes – injuries – it all adds up to trouble on Peaks Island.” The third team which is within a game of first place at 4-2 is the San Francisco Cubists. They take on the reeling Syracuse 44’s and their disgruntled Owner John Stoer, who commented, “Maybe Brunell can shine a little heavenly light on my %#^%$#*%##&$#&%()^&$ team. It doesn't matter who we play, if we continue to play like *&^*$#^*)^$&$^%# losers, we will continue to embarrass ourselves and the great city of Syracuse. Mock us, laugh, make jokes, we totally deserve it and more.” Thank you, we will. The aforementioned Brunell tops the lineup and welcomes back Brian Westbrook (who we hope he doesn’t confuse with Michael Westbrook) and debuting 44’s Patrick Kerney, Brian Dawkins, and Tatum Bell. In fact, the 44 O-flex is all current and former Bronco backs. The Cubists, who have three of the last four meetings with the 44’s and hold a 9-3 series edge, welcome back Terrell Owens and Larry Fitzgerald. Owner Jason Moore said without even a hint of sarcasm, “The 44s are never anything but tough. Kudos to Sto for recognizing that the Skins would actually become fantasy-worthy before the rest of the population.” Two Packer fans face off for the first time as they both hope their team doesn’t embarrass themselves against the most embarrassing team in the league. To celebrate, both owners are putting out their green and puke as Owner Steve Johnson has tabbed QB Brent Farf to start along with returning starter Chris Brown and the debuts of Antowain Smith, Kenoy Kennedy, and Gibril Wilson. Owner Josh Kowalske returns David Martin, Robert Ferdisgusting, and Ahole “Put it on the” Green. Blech. Johnson commented on their debut battle in kitchen stadium, “Every team is tough in this league, more so until we get it together.” Down at the bottom of the scoresheet are the Cookies and Coroners. The Coroners hope to keep from being the first team to be blown out five straight times in Modano history. To do so, they will have to replace Cadillac Williams and Julius Peppers, neither who were performing well and both of who are on the bye, as well as keeping rival Owner Dan Weitz’s mind more on Jennifer Aniston than on his team. The Cookies, who have lost 4 of the 12 meetings including a sweep in 2004, welcome back QB Donovan McNabb, but will be without LB Mike Peterson, who is on the bye. Will Weitz and Aniston have a second date? Tune in next week and see!
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