P-Miss Envy 106 San Francisco Cubists 94 While there are only a few people left who believe in predestination (like who could have predicted that That 70�s Show would still be on, while Herman�s Head was cancelled long ago), it seems every time QB Steve �Pear� McNair (1/25) steps onto the gridiron against the San Francisco Cubists, the results is predetermined. McNair has spent the last few years in continual rehab as he adjusts to his bionic implants, which just goes to show that the nearly 30 year old Seven Million Dollar Man was fiction (because they never showed the extensive rehab of Steve Austin � although we think that might have made the perfect musical montage). Although he has had numerous set backs in his rehabilitation, the one guy that McNair could always count on to be on by his side � whether he was playing for his team or not � was Owner Perry Missner. And with the Envy stock bottoming out during Week 4, McNair knew that he had to lift the franchise. As it just so happens, McNair often takes the spare bedroom in the Missner home so that he can make use of the finest rehabilitation center in northeast, central Wisconsin. After being named starting QB, the only argument that McNair and Missner got into was the QB�s starting TE. McNair preferred an option that he was more familiar with like Erron Kinney or Ben Troupe, while Missner preferred Ernie Conwell, who was sure to burn the Packers who had been giving up the most points to tight ends in the league. McNair was right as Conwell opened the game with a fumble. Conwell�s play was as weak as �watching Randy Johnson try to hit. It's an abomination and no paying customer should have to see that. Frankly, I think the NL should just submit and have the DH already too. It's nutty that the two leagues are so different.� Missner, sensing the worst, grabbed Conwell by the jersey and screamed at him, �You are forever banned from the Envy campgrounds and as far as we are concerned, he is of Packer status. Just hold onto the damn ball, idiot.� Wow! Strong words. Fortunately, once Conwell was excised, the team ran smoothly and productively. McNair looked like his younger self in throwing for two TD�s and running for another. Speaking of two scores, Missner commented on his favorite Simpsons� episodes, �The first runner up is the episode in which Homer becomes the food critic. I laugh just thinking about Homer's initial submission in which used mamatoes and spasetti. The best is the Frank Grimes episode though. They often refer back to it as if they knew they were onto something great. Just quality laughs throughout, including Homer's line at Grimey's funeral: "Change the channel, Marge."� Meanwhile, Owner Jason Moore enjoyed �Oh! Streetcar.� What�s a lonely paper boy to dooooo? McNair used his receiving corps well with the league�s top WR Steve Smith (5/66) scoring his third all pro game on two TD�s and Chad Johnson (5/51), the league�s fourth best WR, scoring an additional 9. RB Willis McGahee (5/46) scored the team�s 7th TD. The Envy�s special teams and defense also came to play with Rod Bironas (1/11) setting a Envy season high and Brian Urlacher (4/45) and Kyle Vanden Bosch (1/11) equally the kicker�s output. Although clearly intimidated by McNair, the Cubists struggled on. Moore thinks he may have found something special in the connection between Marc Bulger (5/86) and Larry Fitzgerald (5/50), who each scored all pro games and a combined 35 points. Fitzgerald was given the gameball, but Moore was less than enthused by the play of �TO (5/60), Reggie Wayne (5/24), and Ronnie Brown (1/4),� who combined for 12 points. Moore had to break up fights between the three which reminded him of his opinions he felt he needed to expound upon, including �[the DH} increases the likelihood of brawls by letting pitchers hit batters without worrying about stepping up to the plate,� but that �[boxing had declined because] movie and TV special effects are so good now that people are desensitized to the violence in boxing.� Always blaming the mass media! Missner had his own theory on boxing�s decline, �I think it all started to collapse when Lennox Lewis became heavyweight champion. Because it had been so long since there was a British champ, no one could take his educated accent seriously. Having 25 belts did not help either.� On the team�s second loss and 7th loss in 13 tries against the Envy, Moore commented, �Clearly, 90 points a week isn't enough. We'll have to try to get into triple digits a little more often.� Missner gave kudos where kudos were due, �All thanks go to McNair for making us believe we could win. We seem to be good one week and not so good the next and the one player that typifies that inconsistency is Steve Smith. The defense also did a nice job, especially in shackling Terrell Owens.� Nevertheless, the Envy stockholders were not happy by the mere 12 point victory margin. A critical midweek vote was taking place in which majority shareholders would decide the corporation�s future. A number of multinational conglomerates were said to be interested in adding the Envy Corp. into their portfolios.
Bull City Bares 109 The Ballbusters 60 Ever since Owners Rich Joseph and Randy Chambers shared the championship in 2003, the only thing the two owners have shared is a growing animosity toward each other. Chambers felt it was like fingernails on his proverbial chalkboard when Joseph would try to draft yet another already drafted player. Was Joseph being cagey or just dull-witted? No one knows, but no one was more annoyed than Chambers who kept track and remembered each of the players previously drafted. When the two teams took the field, there were a number of stars missing due to silly bye weeks. While that through network coverage off somewhat, the bad blood between the owners was enough to give Troy Aikman something to talk about and talk about and talk about. Aikman opined that this game would really come down to the QB�s and Peyton Manning (5/65), the league�s reigning MVP, would lead his troops to victory over replacement QB Jake Delhomme (1/17), who � don�t get him wrong � Aikman admired, but he simply wasn�t on the same level as the very handsome and wittily articulate Manning. The Bares landed the first punch, a solid body blow to the Busters� gut, as RB Shaun Alexander (5/84), rumbled through the middle of the Busters� league worst D-flex (12.6 ppg) for 20 points, his third all pro performance. The league�s best D-flex, which has used the same 3 player for all five weeks, scored well again with 35 points, 13 of which came from the league�s leading defensive player, Donnie Edwards (5/55). Chambers then commented what brought down boxing was �like George Steinbrenner's millions, it was the stinkin' money.� Chambers was also pleasantly surprised with his replacement TE �The last-minute replacement, Jeramy Stevens (1/10) [sic Jerramy] even if he cannot spell his own first name correctly. Reminds me of John Lackey, without the slacker bullpen.� Huh? Speaking of baseball, Chambers basically said the DH was indefensible, except for �Paul Molitor, there really is no good argument. Pitchers have hit at every level for nearly 100 years before this silly rule went into place. No reason to let fat, middle-aged guys who can only play one way gin up their Hall of Fame credentials, drive up payrolls, and hence, ticket prices, without playing the damn game!� That is what is called in debating terms, sticking with your message. Now, Chambers and President Bush have something in common! :> J L :< Anyhoo, the Busters also used the backup TE, Chris Cooley (1/11), who snatched a TD and earned a gameball for his trouble. Cooley�s output was more than keeper TE Tony Gonzalez had scored in the first four games in total. Even though Joseph said Cooley earned the gameball, he said he was disappointed in everyone. Keyshawn Johnson (2/1) was especially disappointing in not scoring, not being able to hold onto the ball, showing up his QB, then blaming the media for taking the entire situation out of context. Johnson combined with Joey Galloway (1/5) and Santana Moss (2/12) � playing two Skins against the Bares? Bold � for the Busters� worst O-flex performance. The usually mild-mannered Joseph said he was out for �blood,� also known as the main cause of boxing downfall, according to Joseph. By the way, Joseph likes the DH for many reasons, most of which have to do with David Ortiz. When we looked to Aikman�s prediction for the game, it turns out that he was completely wrong. Manning was stifled for the third time in five games and scored just 8 points, while Delhomme zinged a couple of TD�s and had his first all pro game. Chambers may have to consider him as a starter over long time incumbent Daunte Culpepper. Chambers summed his team�s fourth straight win of the season and over the Busters by saying, �It's nothing personal [cut to Fox promo � �Oh Yes It Is!], but we've still got a bitter taste from the so-called "co" championship of 2003. Gotta take it out on the runner-up from that year.
Peaks Island Wookies 105 Belarussian Blatz 52 Owner Will Mitchell remembers his first year in the Modano Mi Hermano league with mixed emotions. While the team opened that season with three straight wins and finished with a fairly pleasing 11-6 record (second only to that year�s champion, the Minneapolis Monsoon, led by Owner Josh Wilk), what he remembers is the often brutal hazing that the more established owners put him through. Mitchell had to pay five figure sums in hush money to keep the media from outing him for his various bad habits and none of the owners would say hello to him. Nevertheless, he persevered and, in time, became an honored, if somewhat pitied for his less than .500 record, team owner. When it came time to welcome new Owner Josh Kowalske, Mitchell promised himself things would be different. However, after noting that over a quarter of the Blatz�s lineup was not playing due to sundry ailments, Mitchell just shook his head and spit at his rival. Some teams would have taken it easy against a less than 100% team, but the Wookies mashed the Blatz into bits and yelped furiously. Carson �Big Papi� Palmer (5/96) continued his breakthrough season with his 5th all pro performance in five tries. Palmer threw his two TD�s (and 16 points) to Terri Glenn (2/23), who earned the gameball, and had his best game in donkey�s years with 19. The Wookie receiving game � incluing TD�s from Anquan Boldin (2/27) and TE Antonio Gates (4/34) � picked up the slack from the Wookie ground attack which featured 12 points from Corey Dillon (5/55) and Rudi Johnson (5/35), which Mitchell was mildly ashamed of. LB Jonathan Vilma (5/50) led the defense with his first all pro performance of 15. Without injured QB Michael Vick (4/29), ineffective Keenan McCardell (4/26), and worthless Ahole �Put it on the� Green (5/17), the remaining Blatz tried to soldier on. RB Edgerrin James (5/54) earned a gameball for his 12 points, while Packers� WR Robert �Terrible� Ferguson (3/24) and TE David Martin (1/6) each scored TD�s in the embarrassing romp over the Saints. It�s not bad enough that the Saints are homeless, but they have to play a team that keeps on throwing, despite being up 30+ points. That�s classless and difficult to defend, kind of like the DH, which Kowalske commented upon, �Even though I don�t particularly care for it, I'd have to go with �if you pay a pitcher x million dollars a year you don�t want him up their risking injury hitting or running the bases.� I always find it funny when the pitcher uses the jacket to stay warm. Don�t know why but I just don�t like that either.� Kowalske took the blame for the Blatz�s loss, �I will take the next one. Bad coaching to have two guys sit. Wouldn�t have helped me any to put Brooks in and even if someone in for Green I would have lost put still I didn't show up.� Kowalske then lamented on the sad state of boxing, �To start, I'm a huge boxing fan. So I'd say lack of a legitimate heavy weight champion to start off - no Ali, Tyson, Foreman, no personalities in the heavier weights and for some reason the American public loves when the big boys scrap, and its hard to have a legitimate champion at any weight class with 4 main governing bodies creating 4 different champions. The casual fan has trouble following a sport where there could be 4 different champions at one time. I don�t know I could go on forever about this [sunshine]. Still, I love to watch and no matter how many black eyes the sport suffers I still pay out the nose for HBO and Showtime so I can see all the big money fights. I believe I'm possessed by the speakings of Larry Merchant.� When speaking about boxing, Mitchell said, �We got soft. We want our violence on TV, at a distance, and laser guided these days.� In summary, Kowalske said, �I got my ass handed to me.� Mitchell countered, �I felt bad for him, playing Vick and Green and all, but you put your best foot forward and take no prisoners in this league, so we rolled �em hard.�
Brentful Brents 102 Weaselicious Cookies 63 For the longest time, we in the media truly believed that Oshkosh North was superior to Oshkosh West in nearly everyway. However, demographics shift and personnel change, so we are not quite as sure anymore. Frankly, looking back, Oshkosh North was a windowless prison in which the hopes and dreams of many a person were squashed and the worst team colors in football history, but Oshkosh West was little better with its useless courtyards and inability to find a mascot (Indians? Giants? Leprechauns? Westerners?). While that is a debate that will probably never be settled (in that, which is actually worse), when it comes to pride earning ability, Oshkosh West alum Owner Steve Johnson has clearly trumped the proudest product of Oshkosh North, Owner Dan Weitz. The Brents have swept the Cookies each of the last three years and 2005 turned out to be little different. Johnson - who believes that boxing has declined in popularity because of �More entertainment options and better screen resolution. It used to be the only game in town and you heard it on the radio. Now you have 600 channels and can see the guy losing brain cells with each punch.� � relied on the unfathomable tactics of his inbred moron hillbilly QB Brent Farf (3/46) and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. The Cookie D-flex (which combined for a reasonable 22 points) consistently over-pursued Farf in an effort to get a kill shot on him. Somehow, Farf survived and led his team with 25 points. Johnson gave gameballs to �The Offensive and Defensive leaders, Farf and Keith Bulluck (5/49). Najeh �the Crapper� Davenport had a hell of a game, but took after last years Brown a bit too much. One great half and then gone.� Thank goodness. Johnson doesn�t care for DH � �Defensive Holding. Even within 5 yards, there can be contact, but outright holding, that�s just not right.� The Brents also received solid performances from similarly named Steven Jackson (3/23), who had his first all pro performance, Alge Crumpler (5/31), and the coup de grace from LaDainian Tomlinson (5/95), who is third in the league in scoring. Second to whom? Only Cookie QB Donovan McNabb (5/97) (and Carson Palmer), who had an offgame with just 4 points. Nevertheless, Weitz awarded McNabb with gameball �because unlike the rest of the [men without genitalia] on my team he actually will play through an injury. I see I'm blessed again this year with a bunch of sissy girls my frickin kids are tougher!� Weitz then encouraged his entire team to �rub some dirt on it,� which Joe Jurevicius (2/16) did, resulting in an all-pro game. See, rubbing some dirt on it works! Weitz did have probably the most accurate assessment of why boxing was dying out, �I blame the Russian mob, I think Kowalske knows more then he is letting on. Heck its like wrestling I bet Perry's dad could tell me what's going to happen from beginning to end just like the old days of Wrestlemania in Perry's basement.� Weitz, who saw his team�s record fall to 1-7 in Week 5 and suffered his team�s 80th franchise loss, said (sarcastically, we presume), �Another loss WOW I'm so friggin surprised. Excuse me its time for my next electric shock treatment or I'll become unbalanced again. I'll be in the corner chanting Fantasy football hates me.� Clearly, he misses the Einar. While we are unable to print Johnson�s comments on the win due to a strict policy of censorship, we can tell you that his favorite episodes of the Simpsons are �The movie remakes. From The Shining to HOmega Man. Has that show been at all good for the past 10 years?� Not consistently, but it still has its moments.
Syracuse 44�s 81 County Coroners 55 Some people may have seen recent mega-trade between the Brents and 44�s as a game effort by both teams to improve their squads. But, when it comes to the opinions of Owner Chad Nuss, he is not of the majority, nor the minority: he is an individual and as such he saw the trade in an individual light. He sensed that the 44 organization was becoming more anti-Raider, trading away leading QB Kerry Collins for below average retread Brian Griese (3/27). If it were at all possible, the Coroners would take that anti-Raider bias and shove it where the sun don�t shine. However, with an unsettled lineup due to byes and injuries, the Coroners rebuttal was ineffectual. QB Drew Brees (3/43) and RB Curtis Martin (5/30) did their best with a combined 26 points, but the rest of the team was running in and out of the lineup. This uncertainty led to poor performances from a wide array of Coroners � far too numerous to mention. Owner John Stoer was shocked by the claim of team bias, but his team played the game � under duress or not. Prior to Week 5, Stoer made what came to be an astute pickup of DB Robert Mathis (1/19), who showed up big time with an all pro game in his first league appearance. While Stoer was impressed by �Mathis and his more points, Big Game Torry Holt (5/59) has been a rock this year. Gameball.� Holt was excellent, much like �season 8, episode 23, Homer's Enemy about the late, great Frank Grimes. I'm a sucker for Whacking Day too.� Holt tallied 14, but he was second on the team�s offense after Kevin Jones (4/29), who finally showed up � scoring 2 TD�s against the Ravens overrated D. Speaking of overrated, that�s what Stoer thinks about the DH, �I don't have [a good argument for it]. The best pro argument- that it extends the careers of players- is a reasonable point, but I'm a purist. Sorry Harold Baines,sorry Big Papi, if you want to get AB's you need to play the field, and just as importantly, pitchers need to hit.� With respect to hitting, Brian Griese�s play might make someone hit the bottle. Stoer commented, �Ed Reed (4/14) is well deserving [of my eternal disappointment and disapprobation], but I didn't cut him, so Griese and his vast array of interceptions gets the nod.� Griese was said to have multiple teams interested in him, but that sounds like a lie � just like boxing is popular, but that is due to �Three simple words: Pay-Per-View.� Commenting on his team�s first blowout win since 2003 (Week 12 also against the Coroners � 105-72), Stoer said, �The Coroners had some tough matchups, and I caught a break with Cadillac having to sit, but still, we did enough to win and mask our overall lackluster performance. We'll take the W. Side note, if I have to sit through an abundance of Coors Light commercials, can we ditch the bullet train theme and get back to the twins, for the love of all things Holy!� The Coroners now have double digit losses to three teams in Modano series history � the Brents, Bares, and 44�s.
Week 6 previews - Oh man. Oh gosh. Oh man, oh man. Overexcited. Oh man. Take a breath. Oh man. It simply doesn�t get better � oh man � than this. There are two teams atop the standings at 4-1 and in Week 6 they face each other. Who was the genius that made this schedule? The Bull City Bares are the hottest team in the league with four straight wins, including three straight blowouts. The Peaks Island Wookies are the league�s highest scoring team, averaging 100.6 ppg through five weeks. This may be one of the games that you tell your grandchildren about. Owner Will Mitchell commented, �This is what we play for � battle for top dog for at least another week. The Bares are going to be very, very tough to beat. Who�d have thought we�d be carrying 3 kickers? I�m very happy with my 128 pt D-flex with the big games put up by Freeney and Vilma�but Abraham needs to step it up a notch to retain his starting position, watch for some shake up there as we shed some kickers next week.� Happily, neither team is terribly affected by byes, although the Wookies will be without K Neil Rackers (2/27) and are now carrying three kickers with the addition of Nate Kaeding. Deion Branch and Darrell Jackson are both in the Wookies lineup as well, while Owner Randy Chambers welcomes back Daunte Culpepper, but not Randy Moss � as of yet. Chambers, whose team has dominated the series history 8-3, said excitedly, �Whoa Nelly, this will be a real humdinger. So long as Mr. Moss doesn't spend the weekend smokin' ganja in Will's basement, we have a plan to take out the pot-heads from Maine. It's usually about this time of year that the northeast winds start to freeze up his first place dalliances. The re-conquest continues!� The Wookies have split the season series the last two years, but have only been 5-1 once before � in 2002. The undercard for the battle at the top is quite stellar as the number 3 Cubists and number 5 Brents face off, each at 3-2. You may not need to tell your grandchildren about it, but your children should certainly be informed. Owner Steve Johnson said with awed respect, �Timely matchup for me this week, as I take on one of the greats.� That respect has come through hard lessons as the Cubists have won 8 of the 11 meetings, including 3 of the last 4. Johnson has done a very wise thing in demoting QB Brent Farf for the week, because you don�t want a crusty old interception machine messing things up. In his stead is QB Kerry Collins, who scored 7 points in his Brent debut. The Brents, who have scored and allowed the exact same number of points as the Envy, also return Plaxico Burress from the bye. Owner Jason Moore noticed something familiar about the Brents, �LT, Marvin, and 3 2004 Cubist starters [Farf, Crumpler, and Bulluck] ? This is going to be tough.� The Cubists also find themselves without Terrell Owens, so Rod Smith joins the O-flex with Reggie Wayne being undeservedly promoted to the WR slot. The 4th place and third 3-2 team, the P-Miss Envy, get their initial shot at the league�s lowest scoring team, the Belarussian Blatz. Owner Perry Missner, whose team has a history of letdowns in games like this, commented, �We know better than to take a low scoring, wounded team lightly. So we are keeping McNair in the lineup to inspire us. Josh's team won't be weighed down by Packers, so he may stand a pretty good chance of scoring 80 and outscoring us. We are looking forward to hearing if Benson will be in the starting lineup. If so, Clayton can have a week off to recapture his 2004 form.� And yes, Benson is currently in the Envy lineup. Owner Josh Kowalske is giving a pair of Dolphin WR�s their first play of the season in the persons of Marty Booker and Chris Chambers. Michael Vick continues to be the starter and Jason Taylor makes his return to the D-flex (after a 18 point game from the bench). Kowalske said, �I vow to have a full squad this week. That�s a promise I'm making to the blatz fan [please note, singular]. Free tacos for everyone!!!!!� The fourth and last 3-2 team, the Syracuse 44�s, hope to take advantage of another bottom dwelling team that is crippled by byes and injuries, the Weaselicious Cookies who will be without Syracuse favorite QB Donovan McNabb and broken RB Deuce McAllister. Stoer said, �Another break for us as McNabb and Deuce can't play, but just as I hope that Troupe and the Bus contribute off the bench for my missing players [L.J. Smith and Brian Westbrook], I'm sure Dan will find two guys out there ready to scrap on Sunday. Looking forward to the battle.� The 44�s lead the series history 8-6, but the teams have split the last two years. Owner Dan Weitz could insert a pair of Drews into slots in his lineup � QB Drew Bledsoe and WR Drew Bennett. Weitz said, �I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I lose. That damn Einar and his Swedish voodoo, he has put some type of curse on my team.� Oh yeah � it�s all the Einar. In fact, everything is the Einar�s fault. The dwindling economy? The Einar did it. Racial tension in the Mid East? I blame the Einar. That recent bout of constipation? Damn that Einar and his bran hoarding ways. Finally we get to that game in which the announcers will be one of the Albert brothers and J.C. Pearson: two struggling teams, the Coroners and Busters. Owner Rich Joseph�s team had won the first three meetings before falling in an exciting 121-102 battle in Week 13 of last year. Joseph has reformulated his D-flex, bringing back Cato June � a week after he scored a defensive TD � and signing up Adam Archuleta. He also has stuck Priest Holmes and LaMont Jordan in the O-flex, but one of them will most likely have to replace the Busters most consistent performer Thomas Jones. Owner Chad Nuss has not made any lineup changes yet, but he should be able to return RB Tiki Barber, TE Courtney Anderson, and K Sebastian Janakowski � a formidable trio.
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