San Francisco Cubists 106 Peaks Island Wookies 91 Owner Will Mitchell has seen his team get off to a fast start before. He has tried to keep from getting his hopes up, but being the pie-in-the-sky optimist that he is, Mitchell just had a feeling that 2005 would be his year. Through the first three weeks, the Wookies dispatched the 44�s, Cookies, and Coroners with relative ease, but none of those teams had the championship pedigree of the Week 4 opponents: the four-time champion San Francisco Cubists, who had chewed up the Wookies like so much chum in the recent past. Reviewing the tapes of the recent wins over the Wookies, Owner Jason Moore was reminded of the �Shawshank Redemption got better; the first time I was thinking too much about the book.� That Stephen King can sure pen a thriller, although the Apt Pupil was rather stupid. The Cubist plan was to use the running game to set up the passing game. Marc Bulger (4/66), being a master of the play-action fake, worked the overmatched Wookie D-flex like a master marionette player. He pulled his own strings for 17, his third all-pro performance, and hit WR Reggie Wayne (4/19) for his first TD. Once the pass and catch was going, holes opened up for Jamal Lewis (3/10) who had his first decent game. Red rover, red rover, we call T. Odor (4/57) over. The deodorant shill earned Moore�s everlasting respect as well as the gameball for his 18 points, including a TD, which was his second game of the season above 15. The Wookies also hit the ground running with Corey Dillon (4/48) running over the disappointing Jamie Sharper (2/10) for 11 points. Moore compared Sharper�s play to �Star Wars Episode II [which just] got worse. The terrible love story dialogue really stood out the second time.� Moore did not mention the mind-numbing plot. It may be that Mitchell may start taking QB Carson Palmer (4/80) for granted, since he has consistently put up all-pro numbers. In Week 4, he squeaked by with 15 on just 1 TD. Unfortunately, Palmer ignored many of his receivers, including Deion Branch (4/22) and the ultra-effeminate Terri Glenn (1/4). The game looked out of reach as the sun set, but that was mainly due to the media overlooking the debut of K Neil Rackers (1/19). Rackers, who plays for the Cardinals who Moore happens to favor in the World Series, starting kicking figgies early on Sunday evening to the odd delight of Paul McGuire, who pronounced, �Let me tell you something, I�ll even tell you what: Rackers can kick the football. He can play on my team any time.� Joe Theisman immediately agreed. Theisman then told his audience that he had been talking to Moore before the game and the Cubist Owner had told him he�d rather not try to tackle, �Daunte [Culpepper]. It would be pretty embarrassing to hurt myself trying to take down a QB, even if he did outweigh me by 50 pounds.� How�s that for an inside scoop? Despite Rackers heroics, which even Moore admired, the Cubists were able to attain glorious victory when Larry Fitzgerald (4/35) balanced Anquan Boldin (1/13), causing the Cubists� O-flex to go triflexa. Moore said, on his franchise�s 80th win, �An important win for us. Nice job by Larry Fitz to hold off the valiant comeback effort.� Ever the hard-nose coach, Mitchell could be heard behind a locked locker room door cursing his players, but he refused to comment to the press.
Bull City Bares 99 Belarussian Blatz 41 [This recap was written by documentary film maker Michael Moore (who is a distant cousin of Jason) � Moore was nominated for the Palme D�or for his investigative work in his new documentary, �Einar & Me.� Moore appears on the screen, wearing an NRA t-shirt and a dirty Milwaukee Admirals hat. See, he really is just one of us!] Although I had been contacted by the Modano Mi Hermano press corps to file a story on the disturbing and sudden disappearance from the league of Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, I had little success gaining admittance to his mansion because I was told the Einar was too busy to meet with me. [Cue picture of Olsen, sitting on the toilet, reading People magazine.] I had heard of his giving away of a football team to his friend Owner Josh Kowalske [Cue picture of the Dude from the Big Lebowski], and I wondered why the Einar hadn�t given a football team to my hometown � Flint, Michigan. I was able to get some file footage of the Einar playing golf and it just so happened that he was making a statement on global terrorism. [Cue picture of the Einar at the local pitch-n-putt]. The Einar said, �I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. [The Einar brandishes a golf club] Now, watch this drive.� Obviously, the Einar had nothing to tell me, so I started with the recipient of the team. I asked Kowalske a seemingly endless array of non sequitur questions, in which I found out that the Dude was rooting for the White Sox [Cue picture of Chet Lemon], would not want to tackle Jamal Lewis [Cue picture of O.J. Simpson], and thought Heat [Cue movie poster from the Godfather II] got worse with each viewing, (�liked it first time. second time just liked Pacino-Deniro scenes.�) I then watched the team that had been outsourced from my fellow workers in Wisconsin to Eastern Europe. [Cue footage of 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers] They were terrible. But at least they played to their own code. Now, when I started to investigate the Blatz�s (mmmm, Blatz beer) Week 4 opponent, I found an owner who was willing to overlook all codes, just to attain victory. Owner Randy Chambers [Cue picture of Larry Linville from Mash] had stated through the years that he would never play a player against his beloved Redskins. When I did a closer analysis, I found out that Shaun Alexander (4/64) � one of the top players in the league � was in the Bare lineup. How could Chambers do this to the many loyal Bare fans? Sure, the sly owner tried to acknowledge the blunder [Cue a blubbering Jimmy Swaggert], �Quite frankly, the coach [performed below expectations]. Though with byes and injuries, I had no choice but to play Shaun against the 'Skins, it was not worth the sacrifice. Woulda been better to get some chump on waivers and sit Shaun than to break the cardinal rule.� A lot of nice words, but what did they mean? Yes, the victories Chambers could hand out cigars to his fat cat buddies and give gameballs to �[Stephen] Davis (2/20) & [Warrick] Dunn (1/14). Sounds like a country act, but they were the bomb in their respective debuts.� In the end, what did I learn from my time in Modano land? America has clearly gone in the toilet, so I am moving my fat butt to Canada where the only things I�ll be able to investigate are why Canadians can�t pronounce �about,� why Quebec wants to secede, and how quickly slanted journalism will get me bounced out of another country.
Weaselicious Cookies 95 P-Miss Envy 53 Joni Mitchell probably did not know she was referring to Owner Dan Weitz when she sang, �Don�t know what you�ve got, til it�s gone,� but she must have had him in mind when she wrote those lyrics. Weitz had been lost in a sea of his own misery to start the 2005 Modano season. While the disappearance of his mortal enemy Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen had shocked many league members and members of the community at large, Weitz seemed most affected by the departure. He had neither showered nor shaved in three weeks, causing him to smell like an odd combination of Fruit Loops and feces. His team had also tanked, dropping three straight by increasing margins to the Blatz, Bares, and Wookies. He had episodes of imbalance before, but this was new for Weitz. Perhaps the only thing that could help him out of his pit of despair was to see a fellow human being fall into. In Week 4, Weitz could not have received a better remedy. After living like MC Hammer in 1992 (i.e. buying a country villa with a swimming pool with gold lining, lighting his Corona gold cigars with $100 bills, etc.) with his corporation hitting records highs, Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy stock suffered a horrific crash, causing Missner to live like MC Hammer in 1993 (declaring bankruptcy, living in a van down by the river, and experiencing an epiphany and becoming a man of God). Well, all except the last point. Missner, a man of boundless ambition, pushed his company too fast and too far, making himself a social pariah among the Wall St. set. It did not help that his team, upon which all of this quick success was based, had also fallen on hard times. Although the Envy received a few TD�s in Week 4 � Tom Brady (4/50), Willis McGahee (4/37), and gameball earning Jeremy Shockey (4/26) (�because lord knows he wouldn't be able to find any recognition on his own.�) � scored TD�s, the team was as bad as watching The Doors movie multiple times. As Missner noted, �I was blown away by the spectacle of the Doors movie the first time I saw. The second time I still liked the music, but by the third time it seemed over-indulgent and silly.� Especially disappointing was the O-flex, who combined to score a season low record 1 point. Missner lamented, �The whole O-flex took the week off, but I know they will be back or else we might have to get the Islamic punishment book out. What's the punishment again for stealing?� Julian Peterson (4/24) was too upset to even suit up. Seeing how fast things can come apart for someone else, Weitz felt better. He told QB Donovan McNabb (4/93) �to rub some dirt on it and get his ass in there. Unless your dead your not hurt so get in there and play. I also have to give mad props to our defense,� who scored a combined 37 points, led by Keith Brooking�s (4/38) 16 and Antonio Pierce (1/14). It was the third time this season that the Envy have given up a defensive all-pro performance. With Donovan and the D clicking, the Cookies did not need much so Weitz decided to take his entire team to the theater to see Barry Gordy�s The Last Dragon, upon which he commented, �After the 50th time, I'm still finding little side stories I missed or moments of Zen.� Weitz was so happy he thought he could tackle any NFL player, �at 5' 10" 125# I'll take on any of those wussy guys. Dynamite comes in small packages and I'm also deceptively strong.� The win was the first blowout for the Cookies since Week 15 of 2003 � a 114-84 win over the Beers � and Weitz, ever the realist, said, �With our first win now we can begin to claim back to being the sub 500 team we are every year.� Meanwhile, Missner had to put his corporation into receivership in hopes of contacting an outside buyer to help in this time of crisis. On the game, Missner whined, �I guess it was time to pay the piper. Oy. We got as many TD's as the Cookies, but Dan had the foresight to concentrate all his TD's in his QB. Plus, he got a great amount of points from the D-flex, while our D-flex ran home to Mommy. Urlacher wouldn't allow such a thing.� At press time, several interested parties were pawing at the skeletal remains of P-Miss Envy, Inc.
The Ballbusters 92 Syracuse 44�s 82 Owner John Stoer had hoped that his rival, Owner Rich Joseph�s attention would be diverted to the end of the baseball season, which ended the same day as the Week 4 action. Stoer knew that Joseph had already predicted that the �Red Sox Again Baby!!!!� would win the World Series, so he tried not to rustle any feathers with his prediction, �I really have no idea, I can see any of the eight teams winning their first series so it's hard to narrow down. I'll guess Cards-Astros NL and Bos-NY AL with Astros and Sox in the Series and Sox repeat.� Stoer also knew the his QB, Brian Griese (2/23) had as much chance of equaling the Busters QB, Peyton Manning (4/57) as he did of tackling QB Daunte Culpepper, �he's just so big.� Manning had been a bit of a disappointment for Joseph the last couple of weeks, but he did not care a wit about baseball and was totally focused on the task at hand. As such, Manning starting whipping TD passes like it was 2004 all over again. When the smoke cleared, Manning stood atop all mountains with 4 TD�s and 32 points � a weekly high and his second all-pro performance. Manning was given the gameball �Finally� and did his best work in ages in handing off to Priest Holmes (4/41) and LaMont Jordan (4/42), who scored 27 points between them. Watching the offense click was like watching Animal House for Joseph, while watching Tony Gonzalez (4/7) and Ashley Lelie (4/10) fail to score was more liking seeing Grease again. The Buster D-flex also stepped up a notch with a season high of 22, led by Brian Dawkins (3/21) 11 points. Griese the best he could with his limited resources by scoring 2 TD�s, but he threw enough interceptions to cause his score just to be 10. Repeated viewings of Griese can be disappointing, much like �Any gimmick movie like Sixth Sense would work here, but this is easy for me- Forrest Gump. Dumb but new the first time, just plain dumb ever after. Stupid is as stupid does.� L.J. Smith (2/11) kept hope alive with a 10 and Torry Holt (4/45) and Kevin Hones (3/14) each scored TD�s. With so many decent choices for the gameball, Stoer chose �Many choices, I'll go with The Matrix because it's just frickin' awesome.� He meant L.J. �The Matrix� Smith. Oh, you didn�t know that was his nickname? Well, it is. Stoer was led down by the Safety first D-flex, yet again, which scored a combined 15 points. Heading into Monday, the 44�s found themselves down by 17 points, so John Kasay (2/14) would have to be Rackersriffic to net them a win. Although the Panthers put up a lot of points in a sweet, sweet victory, Kasay botched a PAT and ended up with 7. Stoer commented, �We gave oursleves a chance to win and couldn't get it done. Got solid performances but had a hard time putting in the end zone. When the Broncos and Redskins blocking TE's combine for 4TD's of 5yds or less, it's going to be a tough day. On a side note, I was quite surprised to see Shaun Alexander running for the Bares against the Skins. I've always admired RC for his golden rule of no Cowboys and no Skins opponents when it comes to his gameday roster, but now I'm left to wonder at what price is he chasing the title this year?� Yes, for shame. FOR SHAME!
Brentful Brents 104 County Coroners 64 [This recap was written by college football analysis, formerly of CNNSI and ESPN, Trev Alberts] Lee Corset and Kirk Herbstreet. I am so sick of those two jerks. Are they so big on college football that ESPN runs their picks of who is going to win on their bottom line? Are they bigger than Trev Alberts? I don�t think so. Trev Alberts is the man. Sure, Herbstreet looks good in a suit and Corset was head coach at Louisville from 1969-72, and led the Cardinals to two Missouri Valley Conference titles and their first bowl game ever, the 1970 Pasadena Bowl, but I went to Nebraska, dammit, and if it weren�t for that meddling Mel Kiper Jr. who also sabotaged my career, I would have been a perennial all-pro linebacker. Still, I am not bitter and I was more than happy to be contacted by the Modano Mi Hermano league to cover one of their premier matchups between the Brents and the Coroners, or as Owner Steve Johnson called it �the Gimme Game,� since the Brents were 8-2 against the Coroners with 5 wins consecutively. Could Corset give you a stat like that without falling into dementia? I doubt it. Coroners� Owner Chad Nuss actually had his team ready to go when the whistle blew. QB Drew Brees (2/32), who led the team to their only win, zinged two TD�s, including one to RB Tiki Barber (4/50), who had his second all-pro performance. Now, all-pro performances were something I had a lot of when I was an All-American linebacker at Nebraska. In fact, I�ve been called one of the greatest defensive players in Nebraska history! Has Herb Kirkstreet ever been called that? I think not. Of course, the rest of the Coroner barely showed up � much like me on ESPN. Ha. When I talked to Owner Steve Johnson, we starting chatting about movies. Johnson told me, �Classic comedies like Young Frankenstein or Blazing Saddles [get better with repeated viewing]. They have been around for 25 years and are still damn funny. New comedies like something About Mary or American Pie [get old real quick]. You might laugh the first time around, but after you hear the joke, there is no need to see it again.� Does Dan Patrick ever ask sports people about movies? Fo�ge�abow�it! And movies are relevant to today�s youth! Just don�t ask Johnson about baseball or else he�ll fall asleep, and I quote, �ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.� The Brents once again put the hurt on the County when LaDainian Tomlinson (4/81) and Plaxico Burress (3/38) made like Mike Rozier and Irving Fryer to score 47 points between them. Johnson told me they earned �Burress and LT for great performances.� He then garbled something about a hillbilly moron, but I couldn�t understand him because our cell phone connection was not good. In Modano franchise history news, this was the Brents 25th blowout win and the Coroners 25th blowout loss. How about those numbers? Speaking of numbers, I�m a little short this week so I need to get paid up front. What�s that? I don�t get paid? Well, a man of my stature doesn�t have to take such upfrontery! [Alberts tears off his microphone and stomps off into another early retirement.]
Week 5 previews - With the Week 4 results tabulated, our crack staff of mathematicians has determined that all 10 teams in the league are within two games of first place. That�s right: it�s anybody�s ball game. Yet, due to some scheduling quirks, only two teams in the top 5 face each other � long time rivals the Cubists and Envy. One man has been center in this rivalry and he is now back on the proper side: QB Steve �Pear� McNair. Once the centerpiece and nameholder of the Envy�s squad, McNair seems to have magical powers when it comes to facing the Cubists. Owner Jason Moore looked at the lineup sheet and gulped, �Ugh. McNair.� Meanwhile, Owner Perry Missner, who is financial ruin, had a small reason to be optimistic, �We have a special treat in the lineup for the Cubists. If Jamo is the poison, Pear McNair is the antidote.� The Envy are using an old Cubist trick by not replacing their on-the-bye TE, Jeremy Shockey. Brian Urlacher returns from the bye and Rod Bironas makes his kicking debut. The only addition to the Cubist lineup is LB Zach Thomas, who had an all-pro performance in his only game of the season. The series history is deadlocked at 6, but the Cubists have taken three of the last four, none of which McNair played a factor. The league�s highest scoring team, the Wookies, hope they don�t have the opposite pattern as 2004, when they lost their first three, followed by three wins. They take on the Blatz, who are coming off a season record low score of 41 points, so they almost have to do better. While neither owner commented directly on the game, there was said to be a vibe of mutual respect between them. Jimmy Smith and Darrell Jackson return to the Wookie lineup, while the Blatz are giving Michael Pittman � a big success for the Losers in 2004 - a try. The hottest team in the league, the Bares winners of three in a row � take on a team that just notched their first win, the Busters. These teams shared the 2003 championship, prompting Owner Randy Chambers to comment, �We are always up for taking on the so-called "co"-champs of 2003. We all know that 4/10 of a point separated us, and in Olympic games, that's gold, baby.� Unfortunately for Chambers, the Modano league is not like the Olympics because everything is on the up and up. The Bares have won the last three matchups after losing the initial meeting, but an undaunted Owner Rich Joseph said, �Train Keepa Rollin....all week long!� Both teams are using skeleton crews due to the byes with stars like Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss, Priest Holmes, and Tony Gonzalez sitting out. Like the Envy, the Bares have not named a replacement TE, but have named Jake Delhomme as the starting QB and the returning Hines Ward as the starting WR. The Busters will rally around QB Peyton Manning who welcomes back Thomas Jones as the starting RB. Also making their 2005 debut for the Busters are Joey Galloway, Skins TE Chris Cooley, and DL Rod Coleman. Oshkosh pride and more are at stake when the Brentful Brents and Weaselicious Cookies face off. Owner Steve Johnson complained, �The bye weeks start hitting home. We can over come that with ease and rally this win into a streak.� The Brents, who hold a 8-2 series advantage including 6 straight wins, are without starting QB Kerry Collins, WR Plaxico Burress, and scrub RB Larry Johnson. In there place, Johnson returns interception machine Brent Farf and new hires Steven Jackson and Marvin Harrison. The Cookies also have a new recruit in the lineup, Donte� Stallworth, along with returning starter Mike Peterson. Owner Dan Weitz said with fury, �We hope that our speed and wiriness can frustrate and confuse Johnson much like our basketball court days because he his just too damn big with sweet jumper. Finally, OSHKOSH NORTH FOOTBALL RULES!!� The last game pits the 44�s against the Coroners, who have dropped three decisions in a row. The 44�s lead the series history 9-4, but the Coroners swept the series in 2004. Owner John Stoer is once again going with QB Brian Griese to lead the same guys who lost in Week 4. He said, �After a week of questionable roster overhaul, we're standing pat this week. Gotta score more TD's, cut down on the turnovers, and the defense really, really needs to pick it up.� Usually, the Raiders bye week would decimate the Coroners lineup, but this year it is decimiated due to the loss of Raiders and Giants, who claim four of the 11 Coroner starters. Owner Chad Nuss has not named replacements for Courtney Alexander (the fourth team with its starting TE on the bye), Tiki Barber, Sebastian Janakowski, and Michael Strahan. He�ll have to do some major roster maneuvering to get a solid 11. Willie Parker, formerly of the 44�s could start, but the Coroners will not have to see former keeper QB Trent Green who is on the bye.
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