Bull City Bares 135 San Francisco Cubists 89 There are so many angles to report when it comes to Bares-Cubists matchups that we generally have to send at least 10 newsmen to the stadium to catch them all, and we�re not talking about Michelle Tafoya-Melissa Stark fluffery. First off, Owners Jason Moore and Randy Chambers have the best winning percentages in Modano history and are owners (or co-owners) of the last five championship trophies. While there are some reports that the two huddle in the offseason and dissect the rest of the league, there are other reports that the two can�t stand the sight, presence, or odor of the other. Secondly, the Bares and Cubists boast leading WR�s, the Cubists Terrell Owens (3/39) and the Bares Randy Moss (3/33) each of whom has been on their respective teams for the last 6 years. When comparing the two, Moore took a grass is always greener approach in claiming that he preferred Moss over Owens, causing his WR to have a conniption fit and say that Moore was clearly a racist. More on that story as it develops. Chambers took a more scientific approach when analyzing the two star WR�s, �Very tough call. One has to consider that Moss's sublime exclamation after wiping the Peckers at Lamboo in January was a creative, team-based response to the moronic mooning that he endured for 7 years in Green Beans. On the other hand, T.O.'s Sharpie moment more than makes-up for his silly (though obviously heartfelt) Star-stomp in Dallas. All in all, a virtual tie, but I will pick Moss for two reasons. First, loyalty. Second, he can return punts, as he proved a few years ago by bringing one to the house without practice in a key December match-up, overcoming the only QB he ever played with who was more selfish than either TO or Moss, the much-hated Jeff George.� As much hated as George may be, it was he who took QB Daunte Culpepper (3/23) under his wing many moons ago and taught the youngster how to play. Among the main lessons George taught Culpepper were that you have hold onto the ball and you should not throw it to the other team to be successful. For the first two weeks of the season, Culpepper seemed to forget those lessons, but nothing reminds one of Jeff George like a -8 performance. Culpepper shot out of the gates in Week 3 with a 30 point explosion, throwing for three TD�s, and erasing all memory of two weeks ago. Two of his TD�s strikes went to WR Hines Ward (3/37) who had his second all-pro game, overshadowing the quiet play of Moss, who scored just 5 points. Chambers said Moss�s poor play was due to listening to bad music like �that gawdawful grunge band [Stone Temple Pilots] from San Diego with the dope-shooting lead singer name Scott who sang that horrible song [�Plush� with its modified D chord opening] when Modano was king?� I guess someone�s guitar playing wasn�t appreciated back in the day. Culpepper also remembered how to hand off as he successfully gave the ball to Shaun Alexander (6/52) for a near record day of 33 points. The Culpepper/Alexander combo reminded Chambers that �Riggins and Theismann (rhymes with Heisman!) has no rivals. The brief flame that was back-to-back-to-back MVPs from Warner & Faulk was quite sweet, but Warner's brief flame leaves them second to the colorful combo of Riggo ("Hey Sandy baby, why don't you lighten up") and Joey T ("shut up, Paul").� All Moore could think of when he saw the 63 combined points of the Bares QB/RB combo were Joe Montana and Roger Craig, who ruled the 80�s. For whatever reason, every time the Bares scored a TD (9 in all), the Bare band struck up the �USC's first down song,� which seemed to enervate Moore, so much so that he replaced Ronnie Brown (15 bench points) with Marcell Shipp (1/3), whose performance disappointed him. The Cubists did receive above average play from QB Marc Bulger (3/49), who had his second all-pro performance with 18, and gameball earning LB Zach Thomas (1/17). Both teams lost a player when Cubists LB Takeo Spikes (3/18) and Bares WR Isaac Bruce (3/15) collided, instantaneously combusting. Chambers noted, �I would have liked to see a little more production out of Ike Bruce, but his team prayer after the game was indicative of the locker room mood as we watched the late scores come in: "If 135 points is not enough to beat Jamo, then there is no Frigging G_d."� A downcast Moore, even though his team has been marvelously consistent with 88, 90, and 89 points in three games, mumbled to the press, �It was a tough blow to lose Takeo Spikes for the year. Once he left the game, the floodgates opened... tough to win when you give up 9 TDs to 3 guys. Kudos to Donnie Edwards and the Bears; they came to play.� Once he was assured of the win, after Rod Smith (1/11) was unable to score 50+ points, Chambers jumped up and down, and said, �When we beat the Cubists, game balls all around! Except to Joey Harrington � we waived his lame-ass.� Chambers then illuminated the press on his inside chicanery, �What a win. After averaging 105 points per game last year while getting swept by Jamo, Daunte and Co. simply had to play like champs. Just for the record: Moss had nothing to do with the dime bag found in Jamal Lewis' helmet and the bloody gun in Ray-Ray's jockstrap before the game. There were responsible for their own criminal culpability (snicker, snicker).�
Peaks Island Wookies 129 Weaselicious Cookies 93 In the early goings of 2005, everything is falling in the right places for Owner Will Mitchell. He seems to be in tune with every phase of his team and the rhythm with which he is calling plays � both on offense and on defense � seems undisturbable. Mitchell kept eerily silent when commenting on his Week 3 opponent, however, because he seemed to know that there was something that Owner Dan Weitz could do to break his stride. Lurking on the Cookies� bench was the man who had all the keys to the skeletons of Mitchell�s various locked closets: QB Drew Bledsoe. Mitchell commented on various matters to the press during week (e.g. he�d choose Moss over Owens because �I could toke with him postgame� and how he�d choose �Brady/Dillon would be a fan pick I guess [as the greatest QB/RB tandem] but I�ll make it. You could say Manning/James, but I won�t.�), but nary a mention of Bledsoe. When the Cookies took the field and their QB was Donovan McNabb (3/64), Mitchell was somewhat relieved, even though McNabb was the leading scorer coming into the week and left the second leading scorer. McNabb overcame a bruised lower abdomen to lead the Cookies with 21 points, including a TD strike to TE Jason Witten (3/13). Although McNabb was unable to rally any of the Cookie WR (4 points combined for Laveranues Coles (1/2), Lee Evans (2/1), and Joe Jurevicius (1/1)), his play opened up running lanes for both Julius Jones (3/34) and Deuce McAllister (3/32) to score three TD�s and 26 points combined. McAllister was able to avenge being traded by scoring 11 points, but he was trumped by former Cookie RB Corey Dillon (3/37) who rumbled for 17 points and two TD�s, despite being tackled by LB James Farrior (3/20) 13 times. McNabb left the game as the second leading scorer because he was passed by Wookie QB Carson Palmer (3/65), who is the only player in the league with three all pro performances in the first three weeks. Palmer, who is of no relation to Arnie, Jim, or Laura, scored 3 TD�s and 23 points against an overmatched and nameless defense. Palmer�s TD tosses went to Antonio Gates (2/17) who set the season TE standard with 12 points and Jimmy Smith (2/11), who was a member of the Wookie O-flex that Mitchell blasted for the underwhelming play � just 19 points (outscoring the Cookie O-flex by 2). Mitchell was more impressed by his D-flex, which was lifted by two all pro performances by John Abraham (2/26) and Dwight Freeney (3/31), who also set a season record with 20 points from the defensive side. Mitchell exclaimed, �Freeney and the D-Flex! And Dillon and Palmer too � this was a huge game for the Wookies and the game balls are flying.� Weitz, who was the only owner who had a closed lockerroom in Week 3, has some reason for hope in that his team�s score has risen all three weeks, his keepers have scored the most points, and his 93 points were the second highest total to lose this season.
Syracuse 44�s 98 Brentful Brents 94 It is a rare occurrence when a taut thriller in which both teams scored 90+ points is overshadowed by the usual calm period that settles after the game, but such was the case in Week 2 when the 44�s outlasted the Brents. Before we report the shocking news, let�s report on what was actually one of the more exciting games in a week in which none of the other games were particularly close (although predicted otherwise by some seer). Owner John Stoer had the majority of his team going in early games so as to sway the ever-needed momentum to his side. It looked like his strategy would succeed as the bleary eyed Brents did not seem ready for the plethora of scoring options thrown at them. Stoer gave gameballs to �Brian Westbrook (3/51) and Big Game Torry Holt (3/31) - Gotta share the love this week.� The two combined for 41 points and Westbrook nearly doubled his output from the first two weeks with 25. Ominous in his omission from gameball earning status was QB Kerry Collins (3/57), who had been the spokesmodel for the team. Collins scored 23 points (his second all-pro performance), but was quickly shuttled away from the stadium in a white van before he could even shower. Collins and Westbrook brought shades of other great combos to Stoer�s mind, �The easy #1 answer is way too difficult to admit to, bile is rising in my throat, and since I refuse to be honset, I'll go with my homer call of McNabb and Westbrook right now, but the right answer is, painfully, Smith and Aikman.� Members of the media were alarmed by the van and rumors began to circle that Stoer had forced Collins into rehab, but that would have been a kinder truth that his real fate. Meanwhile, Owner Steve Johnson was trying to quell his own storm among the Brents. For whatever reason, Johnson had benched eponymous QB Brent Farf for Brian Griese (1/13). Of all the insults that could be heaped on an inbred, hillbilly moron, being benched for Griese is among the worst. Griese was able to come up with a couple of beautiful TD strikes to the anti-Farf, Joey Galloway, but Farf was so upset that he threw three interceptions (just three? that�s not so bad) and put his boombox on repeat playing �That Pizzicato 5 song 'Twiggy Twiggy', which is only slightly worse the whoever sings 'Cotton Eyed Joe'.� Plaxico Burress (2/13) had his first productive day of the season with 9, but the real Brent fireworks were supplied by LaDainian Tomlinson (3/59), who demanded the ball enough to run and throw (!) for 4 TD�s and 34 points � a season record for RB�s. Johnson handed the gameball to �LT. Of course.� Then cast an evil eye at �Any WR or RB not named LT! We blew one of the best RB performances of all time! If anyone, anyone, had looked good, we would have won it. Out of 4 guys we got, what, 6 points!? And Johnson, I didn't expect the world, but you owe LT an apology for that crapfest.� Johnson talking to himself � what is the deal with that? Actually, Owner Johnson was commenting on the play of new recruit RB Larry Johnson (2/5) who muffed away a chance at the Brents second win. With the 44�s up by 9 heading into Monday night, the Brents had Johnson and K Jason Elam (3/25) going in an effort to makeup the spread against 44 LB Al Wilson (1/5). Elam did his part with 13 points, including a 50+ yarder for four points, but Wilson maintained the 44 edge with 5 points. All that was needed from Grandmama was a point for a tie and two points for the win. LJ was unable to comply as he got 0 for yards and lost three for a fumble. The Monday Al Wilson gamble was suggested to Stoer by �Bill Parcells. Besides the chances he takes on his roster- Bledsoe throwing to Girl Glenn and Keyshawn- he takes a lot of in-game chances too.� On the win, Stoer commented, �It's always nice to beat the Brents. I'm pretty sure I saw LT handing out programs before the game, selling peanuts during, and driving the team bus after, good grief, even Superman needed a break every now and then too [like bonking Lois Lane]. Still, we did just enough to win, and thankfully, we were not facing the Bares this week.� Johnson, whose Week 3 record falls to 1-6 after his Week 2 record was buoyed to 6-1, commented, �There will be wholesale changes until I put together a winner.� He and Stoer then shocked the Modano community by agreeing on an enormous six player deal that sent Brent RB Clinton Portis (the object of many a 44 desire) along with WR Joe Horn and the aforementioned Griese to Syracuse for two of the three 44 keepers � Steven Jackson (2/8) and, shockingly, Marvin Harrison (2/6) � a four time 44 keeper who was starting �to worry� Stoer � and a team mouthpiece for the last two months worth of games QB Kerry Collins. Ramifications of this deal include Stoer and his team possibly becoming teetotalers without Collins, although his QB platoon of Brian Griese and Jake Plummer could even drive the most anti-alcohol guy to drink. For the Brents, they now have the incredible QB tandem of Brent Farf and Kerry Collins � that can only lead to bad things (like Chmura-in-the-hottub-bad) � but on the bright side, they could start a RB tandem of Steven and Johnson.
P-Miss Envy 111 County Coroners 55 With the price of P-Miss Envy stock rising daily, one would think that Owner Perry Missner would be pouring some of his excess lucre back into the Envy. Such would not be the case for the increasingly conservative Missner, who refuses to spend on free agents in equal proportion to his adamant view of not changing his lineup. In Week 3, the high-flying Envy once again broke the triple-digit threshold and mauled another opponent into submission: in this case, the County Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss�s plan of using a caretaker QB � Trent Dilfer (1/6), relying on the running game, and keeping the score low was blown out of the water when the Envy took an early lead and never looked back. The Coroner D (a season low combined 5 points) was overrun by Envy runners and receivers who lit the TD lamp repeatedly. Leading the way was WR Steve Smith (3/46) who had a hat trick of TD�s for a WR season record of 26 points. Missner said in giving Smith the gameball, �just a huge performance from the WR/flex spot from the league's leading WR. He may challenge Chad Johnson (3/38) for the starting slot, although Chad is doing a good job both scoring (17 points in his own right) and entertaining in a family friendly environment (not like that lascivious T.O.)� Commenting further on T.O., Missner said, �While Randy Moss's game breaking speed is something to behold, I don't think Terrell takes plays off. He's a major pain in the butt, but he always plays hard. However, Moss's moon over Lambeau definitely gives him some TD celebrating points over Owens.� Nuss said he preferred Moss. The Envy RB�s also represented with Willis McGahee (3/25) and Fred Taylor (3/23) shaking off some early season fogginess to score 27 points. Causing Missner a minor panic attack was the D-flex, which �had an off week, but the O-flex (a season record of 40) took up the slack. We need the Green-Eyed Monsters to return to domination if we are going to have any success, but we'll consider the combined 15 an anomaly.� QB Tom Brady (3/40) was unable to find the endzone but scored 9 points, all on yards. Brady is a fine QB, but he is no �John Elway [who along with] Terrell Davis were awesome for the mid-90's Broncos (remember that Super Bowl, Packer fans?). Davis would have been a Hall of Famer with a couple more seasons and Elway, although at the end of his career, had skillz.� Nuss�s opinion turned to a trio he despised, �Joe Montana, Tom Rathman (FB), Roger Craig (I can't believe i just named niners, I hate the niners.)� We would have thought that he�d opt for Marcus Allen and Jim Plunkett. Down by at least 20 points, Nuss seemed confused on what to do � whether to abandon the running game and leave the game in Dilfer�s hands or to stick with plan. It was as if he couldn�t concentrate because he was too busy humming �the Itsy, Bitsy Spider� to himself. In the end, the Coroners were unable to score any TD�s, although gameball earning Cadillac Williams (3/39) scored 10 points without the benefit of the easy 6. The loss was the Coroners 70th in franchise history. For Missner, the 46 point win was as loverly as �Pretty much any Broadway style, such as that Loverly song from My Fair Lady (which is back jangling around up there) and My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music.� Missner shook off his inner light loaferedness to offer a few words to Nuss, �Fantasy football can be easy when your team scores TD's and the other team doesn't. My apologies to Chad for the lackluster play of Muhsin Muhammed (2/9), who even I had hoped would score a TD or two. Nevertheless, we are happy with our early season production. Now, we have to keep it up, which in previous seasons has been the problem.� Using an unusual coaching tactic, Nuss announced that there was a �QB controversy in the County� among Trent Dilfer, Trent Green, and Drew Brees. Among the three, Brees is the only one to lead the Coroners to a win.
Belarussian Blatz 79 The Ballbusters 67 Owner Rich Joseph is a very friendly, welcoming fellow. Upon receiving the 2005 Modano schedule, he noted that in Week 3 he would making his first acquaintance � on a football gridiron, that is � of new Owner Josh Kowalske. During the week, he invited Kowalske over for an introductory barbeque (Kowalske declined), agreed repeatedly with Kowalske that Randy Moss was superior to Terrell Owens (causing Kowalske to comment, �I�m glad he�s not a Viking anymore.�), and accidentally sent his team�s entire playbook to the Kowalske residence (Kowalske accepted it and read it avidly). Joseph had never been so friendly to former team Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, who is gone but not forgotten from league history. While initial investigators struck out in finding out the real reason Olsen abandoned his team, the media sent the greatest investigative reporter of all time, documentary film maker Michael Moore on the case. The fat and unkempt Moore has pitched a tent outside the Einar mansion, but has yet to get access. Back to the game, the playbook told the owner of the Blatz that the Busters planned to try to keep the score close through Sunday, then run to their first win on Monday with the trio of Priest Holmes (3/29), Ashley Lelie (3/10), and Tony Gonzalez (3/7). With this knowledge, Kowalske set his gameplan in motion. First, he had QB Aaron Brooks (1/7) throw many, many passes at WR Keenan McCardell (3/20) who netted two TD�s and a 17-point all-pro performance. Kowalske claimed he should have stuck with Vick, who had 18 points from the bench. He then decided to ignore RB Ahole �Put it on the� Green (3/15) in favor of RB Edgerrin James (3/30). James responded with his best game of the season � 14 points. Even WR Robert Ferguson (1/10) � who we still maintain is terrible � provided the Blatz with 10 points. The Buster running game showed some semblances of getting started as both flex members � Thomas Jones (2/21) and LaMont Jordan (3/27) � scored TD�s and combined for 23 points. Unfortunately, reigning league MVP Peyton Manning (3/25) left all of his TD�s in 2004 and he only scored 4 points. The Buster D-flex has yet to show up this season (10.33 ppg) and only combined for 13 points. Heading into Monday night, the Busters found themselves in a 23 point deficit � a point margin that they could once rely on Holmes by himself to nearly overcome. Yet Manning and Holmes are no longer the �Aikman/Smith� combo, according to Kowalske, or the �Montana/Rice� (now, Jerry Rice wasn�t a RB, or was he? His awesome legend is already messing with the facts.), according to Joseph. The three aforementioned Monday nighters combined for just 11 points, causing Joseph to be slightly less anguished than the time he had Neil Diamond�s �Rose� stuck in his head for a week straight. Joseph handed the gameball to backup QB Ben Roethlisberger, who had 20 points from the bench. In his postgame victory party, Kowalske simply gave a poetic reciting of Hanson�s big hit, MmmBop: �Mmmm bop, ba duba dop/Ba du bop, ba duba dop/ Ba du bop, ba duba dop /Ba du / Mmmm bop, ba duba dop /Ba du bop, ba duba dop / Ba du bop, ba duba dop / Ba du /� The loss was the Busters third straight, and dating back to 2004, the Busters have now lost 9 in a row, equaling the Coroners streak between 2003 and 2004. The only longer streaks in Modano history were by the Losers who dropped the last game of 2001 and then the first 9 games of 2002 and the Busters previous iteration, the Mountain Devils who lost 15 games in a row in 1999.
Week 4 previews - The biggest game on the Week 3 dockets pits the 3-0 Peaks Island Wookies against the 2-1 San Francisco Cubists. Owner Jason Moore, whose team holds a 7-4 series advantage and has won the last three meetings, said, �The schedule doesn't get any easier. Hopefully the bye week will help our RBs.� The Cubists get Jamal Lewis and Dominick Davis as well as LB Ray Lewis back from the bye. Moore is also giving Colts LB Gary Brackett an opportunity. An interesting side battle will be between the league�s leading scoring TE Randy McMichael and TE Antonio Gates, a player that Owner Will Mitchell favors. Mitchell is keeping most of his lineup consistent, only benching K David Akers in favor of K Neil Rackers. Mitchell commented, �The Cubists got steamrolled in week 3 and will be looking to regain a share of first place � a dangerous position for us but we look to roll to 4 and 0 for the first time ever maybe?� That would be a negative, good buddy, since the Wookies opened their 2002 season 4-0 and won 7 of their first 8, before fading down the stretch for a 10-7 record. We believe it was Yoda who said, �Forgotten history, he who forgets, doomed to repeat.� The other game that features two teams with more wins than losses is the Bares and Blatz. Owner Randy Chamber will be without the services of WR Hines Ward, who is out on the bye, but he has WR Derrick Mason returning and he gets to initiate RB Warrick Dunn to the 2005 season. Chambers said, �Next week? Next Week? We have to play a game after beating the Cubists? Come on, we need a week to work off the hangover. Crap. We'll have to eat a lot of apples n' honey and hope the good fortune comes through.� What the hell is he talking about? The Blatz have twice been winners as the lowest scoring team to win and would not have beaten 7 of the possible 9 teams in Week 3, but two wins are two wins. QB Michael Vick returns to the Belarussian lineup as well as DL Jason Taylor. Longtime baseball rivals face off when the 44�s meet the winless 44�s. The now completely sober Owner John Stoer commented, �It's always a joy to face the hardest working man in Fantasy sports- Rich Joseph. I've got a feeling Peyton and Priest are due for breakout games this week (like Culpepper and Alexander last week) but hopefully we can get some consistent performances and overcome the Buster superstars. Plus, attention may be diverted from the football field this weekend with the Red Sox nation, maybe we can slip in under the radar and steal one.� A fine though, in theory. Of course, Communism was a fine thought, in theory. We�ll have to see what ripples the big trade causes on the 44 lineup, but Kevin Jones returns as well as safeties Ed Reed and Sean Taylor. Tony Parrish makes his 2005 debut. For Owner Rich Joseph being 0-3 is simply not acceptable. Joseph stated, �There could be some great underachievers in waivers soon!� Uh oh, Peyton and Priest � you�d better be on your best behavior. WR Keyshawn Johnson is in the lineup, perhaps just to irritate Stoer, whose team has only won one of the three matchups in the opening week of 2004. The other side of the big trade, the Brentful Brents, will have some matchup decision to make as they try to rebound in the self-described Gimme Game against the Coroners, who they have beaten 9 out of 11 times, including the last 5 meetings. Owner Steve Johnson has placed Chris Brown and T.J. Duckett in the lineup along with DB Terrence Kiel. Coroners Owner Chad Nuss will also have to make some replacements as the Coroners will be without the services of Trent Dilfer, Muhsin Muhammed, and Ruben Droughns. Do the Coroners have enough depth to overcome these losses? Finally, we go old school in a matchup of Oshkosh North High School Alums, Class of �89. Owner Perry Missner commented, �While a weasel can be something interesting to see at the zoo (they seem to be about the only animal this awake during the day), an injured (and winless) weasel is nothing to take lightly. Hopefully, new D-flex member Will Witherspoon will be healthy and we'll get some TD's from Tom Brady. We don't want this to be like 2002 when we supplied the Cookies with their first win (after 6 opening losses).� The Envy hold an 8-5 series advantage and have won in the last 3 encounters, but they will be without LB Brian Urlacher, the league�s leading defensive scorer and heart and soul of the defense. Thus, the first Envy lineup change of the season � Witherspoon, or as Missner likes to call him �Spoon.� The byes have also necessitated changes for the Cookies, who return WR Roy Williams and Andre Johnson and replace James Farrior with Antonio Pierce. It should be one heckuva contest.
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