San Francisco Cubists 88 Belarussian Blatz 55 There are some people who like the openness of new beginnings: a wide open future that could have many turns in any direction. Such was the feeling of Owner Josh Kowalske coming into Week 2, fresh off a Week 1 against his fellow Riponite. He must have mused that what he had heard about the Modano Mi Hermano league being the league for the big boys was inaccurate. The Blatz were used to winning against the small fish in backyard pond. But these here waters are no mere pond, they are an ocean with toothy sharks such as the four-time Modano champion San Francisco Cubists. As if toying with their prey, the Cubists allowed the Blatz to maintain a small early lead. They allowed Edgerrin James (2/26) to roam free between the 20�s, tallying a 10 point day all on yards, but whenever James got in the redzone, Ray Lewis (2/17) would awaken and speed into James like a car going 105 mph. Lewis� ranting was unable to inspire his fellow Raven, Jamal (2/2), who had his second subpar game of -1, earning Owner Jason Moore�s scorn. The one Cubist who clearly has bought into Lewis� pomp was fellow dancer and prancer, Terrell Owens (2/28) who set the season record from the WR position with 21 points. By the time Blatz LB Nick Barnett, who is also known for his ill-timed dancing, got over to cover Owens, the Cubists� gameball earner was gently setting the pigskin on the other side of the goal line. Barnett was used as Kowalske�s scape goat and cut before he could take his pads off, even though Kowalske said that he was disappointed by �my whole team.� With Owens drawing triple coverage, QB Marc Bulger (2/31) � although not a hall of fame QB that Moore would prefer over a hall of fame RB because �he gives a better chance of getting to the Super Bowl � had plenty of open passing lanes for 11 point scorers TE Randy McMichael (2/21), who bettered his own season TE record, and RB Dominick Davis (2/12). On Bulger, both Moore and Kowalske agreed that his coach, Mike Martz takes the most chances. K Shayne Graham (2/23) also tied the season K record with 13 points for the third Cubist record of the week. Moore, commenting on his team�s second blowout win to open the season, noted, �Lavar Arrington (2/2) � who may be a better host of Soul Train than he is a football player - had an inspirational one point for the second straight week... unfortunately byes mean he has to go, at least for now. Our TE and K continue to play great, but we need more from our RBs to have a chance at succeeding this year.� Speaking of RB�s, the Blatz would prefer a hall of fame RB to a QB, but they have neither. RB Ahole �Put it on the� Green (2/11) was stifled by the mighty Browns defense and QB Michael Vick (2/19) was limited by his own hamstring pull. By the time, DB Anthony Henry (1/5) took the field, the game was out of reach and no one could tell if Kowalske was �drunk or sober.�
Syracuse 44�s 93 P-Miss Envy 81 TNever known as a complacent man, Owner Perry Missner needed something to spend his ample leisure time on, since he decided to stick with the same Week 1 lineup. With Envy merchandise sales outpacing other teams� offerings and receipts from stadium nachos hitting all time highs, Missner decided to open shares of his team�s stock to the unwashed masses. Upon going public, the Wall St. Journal indicated that public sales of Envy stock should be brisk and the enterprising owner should be in store for �a fricken boatload of cash.� In fact, after their booming Week 1 win the price of Envy stock was bullish, rising 120% prior to the weekend, speeding along much like Missner in high school when he �got my parents' Camry up to 100 on the backroads in Oshkosh (and, no, smart guys, all of the roads in Oshkosh aren't backroads). Things went by faster and smaller bumps were more noticeable.� Missner knew that he should not take his newfound riches for granted and was keenly aware that the Week 2 weather was not as fair as the opening week. The foul wind of the 44�s blew into town with all of the cigar smoke and puked up Bud the fastidious Missner could handle. Now that Owner John Stoer has spent a complete summer with his frolicking QB Kerry Collins, the two have become nearly inseparable � trade rumors aside. In fact, they seem to speak in one voice. Stoer loves to hear about Collins� wild days at Penn St. that included: �This one time, after a blowout party at Penn State, I took Ki-Jana's car and had it going 116 or 161, something like that. We'd kicked someone's ass earlier that day so the cops gave me a warning and some weed they'd confiscated earlier in the night. Ahh, the good ol days.� Collins was so happy with his play, he called himself �a Hall of Fame QB on the roster!! No seriously, since I'm not going anywhere- I think- I'd love a HOF RB.� Hint, hint. Collins had to wait until Sunday night to take the field, but in the early games his exhortations of his starting backfield fell on deaf ears. Marvin Harrison (1/2) got out to a slow start and Todd Heap (2/5) got cut. Missner gave his gameball to �Steve Marucci. I guess he didn't watch the Bears-Skins game in which the Skins eventually wore down the Bears D with power running. Instead, he put the game in Joey Harrington's inaccurate hands. I thought I was going to have to worry about Kevin Jones (2/6), but he hardly entered the picture.� The 44�s excelled in the flex area though as they became the first team in the season to go triflexa (� of Jason Moore). Williw Parker (1/13) and Brian Westbrook (2/26) both were lucky with 13�s and Torry Holt (2/18) added a late game 10. Meanwhile, the Envy O-flex was once again outscored by the Green-Eyed Monsters, Missner�s name for his D-flex. In fact, the entire Envy O-flex was equaled by Brian Urlacher (2/27), the league�s leading defensive scorer who had his first all-pro game. The Safety First 44 D-flex had its ups and downs, as Collins noted when he handed the gameball to �The Big Kahuna- Troy Polamalu (2/26). He was so good I decided to throw a post-game luau- rockin' good time [even Dean Cameron showed up].� Polamalu tied Jason Taylor�s Week 1 defensive player record. But Collins could only shake his head at �fellow safeties Ed Reed and Sean Taylor. The two ex-Hurricane safeties were brought in for their ball hawking and playmaking skills. Each gets the week off this week to think about things.� The 44 defense was able to contain Willis McGahee (2/10), who Missner commented �should be able to drop more than a deuce.� Finally, the inebriated Collins (2/34) took the great stage and he did not disappoint, scoring 11 points (to outscore Tom Brady (2/30) by 2) and getting the entire audience to join in on an impromptu concert halftime, featuring Collins� rendition of Bob Marley�s �No Woman, No Cry.� Collins saluted the victory, thusly: �We knew it would be a shootout- the Envy are the league's leading scorers- so it took a consistent team effort and some timely D. The Envy are a great team and a great organization so let me give a great big belch of satisfaction over our victory- Bbrrrrrruuuhhhaahhhppppp. Ah!� A disgusted Missner could only retort, �I knew I was going to need some help to get a win because our boys were facing some fairly fierce defenses. I am happy with the 81 points, but I credit Stoer, Collins, and the rest of the 44's with coming up with a winning game plan.�
Peaks Island Wookies 85 County Coroners 75 The pre-game banter/smack talk between Owners Will Mitchell and Chad Nuss featured some rather ugly references to a game that has shaped the history of both franchises. Mitchell, noticing that the Raider-loving Nuss was next on the scheduled, blurted out, �Tuck rule.� An angered Nuss, whose team was severely jobbed in the snow in 2001, cried out, �It was fumble.� So angered was Nuss that he could not think rationally and set WR extraordinaire Muhsin Muhammed for WR mediocaire Eddie Kennison (1/3). Benching Muhammed has caused the Coroners to have the league�s least keeper points � 19 in four appearances. Knowing that he wouldn�t have worry about his opponent�s passing game, Mitchell set his entire defense in the box and the three � John Abraham (1/11), Dwight Freeney (2/11), and Jonathan Vilma (2/14) � came up with tackle after tackle for a nice 26 point sum. Even with the entire focus of the Wookie D on them, the Coroner runners � aka the Four-Headed Monster or Quadrabeast � were able to produce a majority of the team�s points. Tiki Barber (2/31) pounded the inside for 17 points, his first all-pro game, and Cadillac Williams (2/29) drove on the outer lane for another score. Barber and Williams are the league�s number one and two RB�s, respectively. The two have also led the Coroners to the league�s best O-flex. Owner Nuss was disappointed, however, by the rest of his troops, especially TE Booger Frankfurter (2/2) who scored his second consecutive bullet and even hurt himself. Time for the employment line for Booger, since the Coroners have the league�s worst TE scoring. The aforementioned Kennison (1/3) scored little and Julius Peppers (2/8) remained consistent. Peppers was expected to put pressure on Wookies QB Carson Palmer (2/41), but Palmer was unphased by Peppers� freakish athleticism. The guy who got the gameball from Mitchell (�C-C-C-Carson� � Heeyyoo!) is the only player in the league to open the season with two all-pro performances. Fortunately, his 26 points in addition to the defense was enough to pull the Wookies into victory lane (going like Mitchell had once driven in Germany � about 120 mph� , because as Mitchell said, �The rest of my offense [was disappointing], including the bench, and The PATS!� The Wookie/Pats included Corey Dillon (2/20) and Deion Branch (2/16), who combined for 6 and Jimmy Smith (1/3) who followed his great bench performance of 20 with a simple 3. Mitchell commented on the win, �With my pea brained draft, trade and keeper strategies I can�t believe I am 2-0.� The Coroners lost in Week 2 for the third straight year and have a 2-6 record in the second week.
Brentful Brents 97 The Ballbusters 66 One of the many reasons that Buster QB Peyton Manning (2/21) is great is that he has an extremely detailed memory. Let�s say you did Peyton a solid back in 2nd grade by taking the rap for taking two chocolate milks when you only paid for one and giving your spare milk to Peyton, he�d remember. However, he also remembers slights � perceived or otherwise. When, many years ago, Owner Steve Johnson chose QB Brent Farf (2/21) over Manning, and sent Peyton sinking into East Bay, it was a slight that Peyton will never, ever, EVER forget. Usually, this type of anger sends Manning into a seething rage that manifests itself in touchdown spirals to his receivers, but when Manning saw that Farf was back at the helm of the Brents, he lived up to his team�s name and literally busted a nut. All week long prior to the matchup, Owner Rich Joseph had to try to calm Manning down, but his efforts were unsuccessful. By Sunday, Manning was so angry and confused, he could barely tell which way was up. Sadly, he had his worst day in nearly two years with a single point. The mindless Farf, meanwhile, was directing his team to yet another home loss against a vincible foe � the Cleveland Browns. Losing to the Browns at home? The Browns? At home? Ugh. That�s awful. It�s several steps down from losing to the Lions, and that�s nothing to be proud of. Johnson gave Farf a piece of the gameball, however, and the other have to �LT (2/25) who shines even with few touches, and Brent does well against a bad team [in a losing effort]. Not good enough, but..� And just in case you were interested, Johnson defended his choice of Farf over Manning in the following manner: �You can do well with a team built around a quality runner, but the most important position is still QB. Your chances of winning it all are better with a passer then a runner, as an average runner can get it done more then an average passer. If you fall behind, the running isn't going to save you.� Even though it should not be abandoned by NFL coaches like Mike Tice �who goes into a game unprepared and has no thought to the running game is pretty risky.� Jospeh concurred about the QB thing, but said, �I like to drive 130 mph,� which happens to be the fastest driver in the league. Johnson has driven in the �105 to 110 range.� Although his team was down early, Joseph stayed true to his plan and kept running the ball. While the Busters did not win, they did score a couple of TD�s from the ground attack by Priest Holmes (2/23) and LaMont Jordan (2/17). Unfortunately, Joseph had to give the gameball to a bench player � Santana Moss, although he could have easily given it to Thomas Jones or Ben Roethlisberger � all three scored 20 or more points. For the Brents, it was just Week 2 business as usual since they have won 6 Week 2 battles in a row (all but their opening season). Johnson stated with complete sincerity, �Winning feels much better.�
Bull City Bares 94 Weaselicious Cookies 85 In Week 2, the Bull City Bares and the Weaselicious Cookies took opposite tactics in their efforts to attain victory. Owner Dan Weitz laid the ball in his QB Donovan McNabb�s (2/43) hands, and said go get me that win. McNabb took his owner seriously just this one time and started firing TD passes with reckless abandon. He even connected with Roy Williams (2/12) for an early score that wouldn�t mean much in the end result. When the dust settled and it was time for McNabb to leave the field, he had amassed 5 TD�s and 38 points � the new standard for the 2005 season. Unfortunately, the rest of the Cookies were left to gawk at McNabb awesomeness � much like the Washington Wizards, circa 2003. Andre Johnson (2/3) and Lee Evans (1/0) were particularly disappointing with a solitary point between them. Chambers used the opposite tactic in that he emphasized team play. He knew that Daunte Culpepper (2/-7) had the skills to take over a game, but after his QB�s ruinous -8 effort in Week 1, Chambers was suspicious. On the first 8 plays of the game, Chambers called reverses and double reverses, which seemed to be bamboozle the Cookie defense. As it turned out, all of the Bares TD�s were on reverse-type plays, since QB Culpepper was still TD-less (although he did improve his performance by 9 points from Week 1). Reverses led to scores for Randy Moss (2/28) � who shares the WR point lead with fellow media whore Terrell Owens � and Derrick Mason (2/16), while Hines Ward (2/18) scored on a double reverse and a WR option play (he was a college QB) to Shaun Alexander (2/19). Ward and Alexander tickled the all-pro light fantastic. Yet Chambers chose to by pass all of the TD scorers when handing out the gameball as he went back to his Skins� bias with �Stephen Davis. His 1:00 brilliance spurred my late-dayers to prove they were worthy of starting.� Chambers later added a gameball for �Roy Williams. He's a �heckuva football player.� Too bad he never learned why the position is known as �safety� :) Hail Skins, full of glory.� Further baiting Cowboy fans worldwide, Chambers said he would prefer neither a Hall of Fame QB or RB �If he's a Cowboy,. If it's QB who's prolific (Marino, Manning), I'd say QB. If it's a QB who's efficient and wins only (Montana, Brady), I'd prefer the RB.� Isn�t it funny how Chambers puts winning in second place, sort of like �that idiot Mike Martz.� But maybe Chambers should stay away from the QB position all together since �my QBs combined for -0- points for 3 QBs!� Perhaps he needs a caretaker QB such as Kyle Orton. While Chambers was pleased with the win, his franchise�s 13th over the Cookies, he said, �at this rate, we�ll never get into triple figures, but the goal for Week 3 is to get Culpepper back into the black.� Just 7 points! In the words of Rob Schneider, �You can do it!�
Week 3 previews - There are just two undefeated teams left after Week 2 � the Wookies and Cubists. Of the two, Owner Jason Moore�s team faces the more significant challenge in old Yuma St. housemate Owner Randy Chambers and his Bull City Bares. Confounding Moore is the beginning of the byes, which put keeper RB�s Jamal Lewis and Dominick Davis on the bench along with leader of the Cubist D LB Ray Lewis. Moore commented, �Wow. The RB situation is looking kind of bleak, and no Ray Lewis hurts too. We'll see what we can cobble together and hope Daunte's slow start lasts another week.� Right now, the cobblestones include rookie Ronnie Brown, old guy Rod Smith, and defensive newbies Zach Thomas and Jamie Sharper. Perhaps one of them will be �Jamo's sneaky star will be -- this year's Larry Johnson and sending Tonya Harding after him, mid-week� as Chambers put it. The winner of this week�s Bare gameball, Stephen Davis, makes his first start � possibly because Derrick Mason is on the bye, possibly not. The Cubists hold an 8-5 series advantage and swept the series last year � in two exciting matches 110-84 and 137-125 � after losing all three meetings in 2002 and 2003. In other words, this battle could be a key determinant in who wins the 2005 championship. However, let�s not downplay the Wookies chances. They have won their first games for the first time since 2002, when they opened the season 4-0. However, they shouldn�t get too cocky because they are down in the series against the Cookies, 5-6, and are going with a hurt kicker in David Akers. Owner Will Mitchell said, �McNabb can�t do that again. And does he know he�s got some bye week players in?� Mitchell was referring to Andre Johnson and Roy Williams, who have taken their place on the bench to think about the Cookies 0-2 beginning. Weitz has tabbed Laveranues Coles and J.J. Arrington as his replacements. And does he know that Arrington isn�t even starting for the Cardinals? Ugh. For the Wookies, it�s the same lineup that won in Week 2. While both the Cubists and Wookies can boast unbeaten records, neither can claim to be the league�s highest scoring team � that would be the P-Miss Envy, who are the only team to break into triple digits this year. Owner Perry Missner�s team takes on Owner Chad Nuss and his team, �Ah, the Coroners. We haven't had much luck against them since I played Tuiasasopopo against Chad. They have a powerful four-pronged running attack, but I like Michael Clayton to have a big day. I am Ouaouing my lineup for the third week in a row.� In fact, neither team has made any changes. The Coroners lead the series 8-5 and have won two of the last three meetings. Either the Brents of the 44�s are going to eek their week above the .500 line after Week 3. Both dropped their opening contest and came back to win in Week 2. Owner Steve Johnson quipped, �The Portis game doesn't even have they guy playing.� It�s called the Portis game because for the last year plus, Owner John Stoer has been trying to make a trade for his team�s RB � to no avail. Speaking for Stoer, QB Kerry Collins said, �Bretts huh? Consistently one of the best teams in the league and they too have a great owner and a solid organization. Even if we're at our best, it won't be easy, but I'm looking forward to throwing to a new TE and maybe putting up some better numbers. And lastly, let me just say, I don't think there is anything to the rumors being circulated out there. Until anything happens, they are just that- rumors.� Rumors, eh? There�s nothing the media loves more than a rumor, but there are few owners who could properly handle the party-on-wheels that is Kerry Collins. That new tight end is L.J. Smith � the current Brominski � and other new 44�s include their third new kicker John Kasay, LB�s Al Wilson and Andra Davis. For Johnson, he has clearly given up on his team�s namesake, Brent Farf. Instead, he is starting Brian Griese � so much for having confidence in your team � sheesh. T.J. Houshmandzadeh returns to the lineup and Shelton Quarles makes his D-flex debut. The Brents own the series on a 8-4 tip and swept last year�s meetings. Finally, the league�s two newest teams � the Blatz and the Busters � hook up for the first time. Owner Rich Joseph whined, �please let us win one!� The Busters suffered their first Week 2 loss last week and they have never lost in Week 3 before. RB Thomas Jones makes his triumphant return to the Buster flex and hopefully he will score another 20+ pt game. Joseph has adjusted his defense to include Cato June. For Owner Josh Kowalske, he was frightened by QB Michael Vick�s hamstring injury enough to put Aaron Brooks in the lineup. Dallas Clark and longtime Coroner Deltha O�Neal are also in the lineup, but the Blatz have increased their chances for losing for the second straight week by placing Robert Ferguson in the lineup. He�s lousy!
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