Bull City Bares 77 Brentful Brents 58 Prior to their Week 17 battle, Owner Steve Johnson innocently asked what would happen if his suddenly crashing to earth team knocked off the champion Bares for a season sweep. [He might rename his team the P-Miss Envy, who knocked off every champion during an odd 2000-2002 run] To say this was putting the cart in front of the horse would be putting it mildly because the Brents had become consumed with locker room in-fighting as outgoing QB Brent Farf (7/89), who is now fourth on the all-time interception list with 255 (behind George Blanda � 277, John Hadl � 268, and Fran Tarkenton � 266), said that the final month of the season should be played in honor of his past achievements (the same number of Super Bowl wins as Trent Dilfer) and that John Madden should become like the kitty in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, but inside of saying �Meow,� he says �Brent Farf.� Farf, who Johnson nominated for the Pussier Award, refused to let QB Aaron �Duck� Rodgers into the game, even against the fourth string Seahawks defense. Think about the bigger picture, Brent! Don�t you want the Packers to progress?!? No, of course not, it�s all about Brent. Once again, Brent was not able to lead his team as his errant throws caused Alge Crumpler (15/84) to lose a point and Andre Johnson (5/5) to feign injury just to get out of the game. While Farf was celebrating meaningless TD�s, Owner Randy Chambers provided a proper salute to a fallen warrior in carting Daunte Culpepper (8/53) out for a final start. Culpepper could not throw, so he took the snap and handed off to Shaun �La-la-la� Alexander (16/285), Mike Sellers (1/10), and Jerome Bettis (4/28) � who led the Bares with a sweet 20 points. All three received gameballs. Chambers summed up Alexander�s season and his worthiness for MVP status, �Duh. Let's see, who led the league in scoring, set the record for most points by a non-QB and led his team to the title, even as his star QB got knocked out and his long-time WR running mate struggled and was traded?� The media concurs as every time the Bares needed a big game, Alexander provided one. TD�s are the most important thing in fantasy football and Alexander came up with 28 of them and unlike in seasons past, he didn�t score half of them in one game. There�s little reason to tout anyone else, although Johnson gave a mention to LaDainian Tomlinson (16/245) who was on pace for MVP status until he petered out when the Brents really needed him. Johnson cooed nonsensically, �LT got hurt and still is a stud. Think to the future and who would you rather have.� He then nonsensically nominated Adrian Wilson (6/54) for the Don Sweeney Trophy, �Wilson had over 90 tackles and 8 sacks from a safety. Solid!� Yet he only managed one point in Week 17 � again when he was needed. Keith Bulluck (16/144), on the other hand, was once again solid with 10 points and should have been touted at least some as he is in the company of Bare D-flex players such as Donnie Edwards (16/149) and Terrence McGee (13/145), who had 15 points between them in Week 17. About the only thing the two rival owners could agree upon was that Lionel Richie was better than Journey as Johnson said, �at least Lionel still has my respect,� [ooh, burn] and Chambers said, �The L-train. First, a Temptation and the whole Gheri Curl comeback thing was sweet.� No love for Journey here. A shame. Much like the Packers horrible season which also made Johnson feel, �downtrodden, not that I was surprised.� Johnson summed up Week 17 in a sad way, �I wished for 10 wins and thats all that I got. The Top Dog is the only prize to look to.� But he immediately changed faces and tabbed himself as a Modano worthy owner, �Come on people! I reached for the big guy, and maybe it didn't work out, but I am always striving.� True that � but striving and achieving are two different things and an �amused� Chambers achieved, as he noted that Johnson had given his team all the reason to win the exhibition that they needed, �Steve, Steve, Steve. It's bad enough to choke your way into second with a bad trade and three straight losses to end December. Talking smack against the three-time champion after a December collapse is just foolish. We decided to take it easy on you and throw your fellow Minnesotan in for old-times sake at QB and run Mike Sellers out in the backfield, but the smack inspired the Bares to serve crow for dinner.�
Syracuse 44�s 118 Belarussian Blatz 68 Sometimes the best decisions are the ones we don�t make. This is sometimes known as the path of inaction or Wuwei in Chinese philosophy and Owner John Stoer may have learned a lesson in Wuwei in Week 17 when he brought back Kerry Collins (11/163) back from the netherworld to lead his team for their final game of the season. Collins and Stoer have had their dustups in the past, but all was forgiven as Collins raised his level of play and brought WR Randy Moss (14/94) along with him. Stoer noted, �Props to the D, to Moss, and as always, Mr. Portis, but this weeks gameball must go to prodigal son Kerry Collins. I can spend the offseason dreaming of all those Collins to Moss connections in '06.� The aforementioned Clinton Portis (16/175) powered the 44 running attack with 19 points, his fifth all pro game, matching Moss�s output (his first all pro performance of 2005). Collins ended up with a league high (for QB�s) 29 points and was second to only the Blatz�s Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (11/204), who finished his second half brilliance with 30 points on three TD�s. Bubbie finished the season with five straight 20+ performance and Eastern Europe obviously agrees with him as he had six all pro games (all of 20+) in seven Blatz appearances. Somewhere, Owner Steve Johnson just burst into tears, but Owner Josh Kowalske had one thing to be proud of in Week 17. Actually, K John Kasay�s (12/84) play was pretty good as he knocked in 14 points. Other than those two, the Blatz were flat as the other nine team members combined for 24 points, ending the Blatz�s 100+ streak at five games � two short of the record. Collins also propped up the 44 D, inspiring his fellow netherworlders Adelius Thomas (1/19) and Marcus Washington (1/17) into all pro performances. For the season, the 44�s had 17 different players give the team all pro games, the most in the league and their 27 all pro performance was tied for second overall with the Envy (behind the Wookies who had 39). Stoer said that the team�s play reminded him of Lionel Richie, �easy. He rolled with the Commodores before his sappy, pop filled solo career.� Stoer did notice that �a few players played poorly, but with the season over, why single them out now?� Stoer did concede that he felt bad for Kowalske�s Packers in that �[I am] sympathetic to all their injury problems, but not to any level where there is genuine concern. More like, Oh, that's a shame; I wonder if there is a rerun of Cheers on?� Yes, there is. With the win, the 44�s bumped their record up to 8-8-1 and Stoer said, �Nice to get to .500 for the season. Portis has been a monster down the stretch, Collins should obviously be alloted to the 44's for life, and now I just have to figure out which three players will be returning for the '06 squad, none of whom though will be as good as Larry Johnson. Good grief. We were just lucky that the rest of the Blatz were too hungover to play.�
County County Coroners 68 San Francisco Cubists 54 In many respects, 2005 has been a nightmare season for Owner Jason Moore. His vaunted keepers were unproductive, injured, or loud mouthed enough to get themselves suspended. Yet Moore soldiered on. He had the indiginity of having Yahoo take a win away from him with a late scoring half sack � how annoying! Yet Moore soldiered on. In Week 17, the Cubists suffered their worst humiliation since they were beaten by the Cambria Otters and Owner Rob Ouaou in 1999. [Yes, that old chestnut!] Moore�s theme song for the season was �Don�t Stop Believing� by Journey �which crushes anything Lionel Richie produced.� But in 2005, belief wasn�t enough as they were swept by the Coroners for the first time in league history. In fact, the Cubists staked their initial superiority by beaten their cross-bay rival in seven of their first eight meetings. Moore did enjoy the one nice TD pass from Josh McCown (2/16) to Larry Fitzgerald (16/147), which produced 11 points for both players and a gameball for Fitzy, but he was disappointed by the rest of the team: �Let's start with the O-flex... but good gracious. Scoring in the 50s?� The Cubist O-flex tied the season record low of one point (set by the Envy in Week 4), getting a single point from Ronnie Brown (9/33), who �probably deserves some third-place votes, along with Cadillac.� Moore nominated Wookies LB Jonathan Vilma for both the Sweeney Moore did say, �I think Zach Thomas (12/115) deserves some Sweeney attention: his points per game average (9.58) was great, [although second on the team to London Fletcher (8/82 10.25 ave) and well below Terrence McGee�s 11.25 ave] but he was unlucky enough to get hurt.� Meanwhile, Owner Chad Nuss used his Ouaou like lineup (he did not use a new player after Week 10, the last new player being QB Kyle Orton) to forge a seventh win for the season. RB Tiki Barber (15/211) scored the team�s only TD and ran wild for 23 points, his seventh all pro game. Willie Parker (10/69) and Eddie Kennison (7/45) each had 10 points all on yards and they were matched by Derrick Burgess (10/82), who received a Sweeney nomination from Owner Will Mitchell. QB Drew Brees (13/154) finished his break out season with a second negative performance (the third such takeaway game from Coroner QB�s) and Steve Heiden (4/2) was unable to score mainly due to being on the IR. Moore summed up his season in giving Jamal Lewis (10/29) a nomination for the Pussier, �Jamal Lewis is certainlyup there. He was lousy, and he was even worse in the games where he was in my starting lineup. TO was pretty damn annoying too.� Or as Owner Randy Chambers put it, �T.O. � the only man capable of derailing the four time champs by himself.�
P-Miss Envy 69 Peaks Island Wookies 38 Clearly, Owner Will Mitchell and his Wookies thought the season was only 16 weeks long. After scoring at least 100 points for four straight weeks, the Wookies were cooled off for a season low 38 and left Mitchell with a lot of players playing below expectations, �Uh, where do I start?� Perhaps at the top with QB Carson Palmer (16/280), who only had one point, but Mitchell gave him some MVP love anyway, �He got robbed of the title by Alexander�s late points but came in second overall with an outstanding 280, nearly 30 more than crybaby Manning. And the projected to actual rank was 24-2. The other nods go to Larry Johnson and Several QBs � Eli Manning, Bledsoe, Brunell.� With his team�s many disappointments in Week 17, Mitchell was able to nominate many disappointing players for Pussier shame, �McNabb, Westbrook, Owens, Moss, L Coles, McGahee, J Jones, K Jones, C Martin, F. Taylor, J. Lewis, Tony G� And for me, definitely Deshaun Foster.� Foster (6/55) led the Envy with 17 points, his second all pro game of the season, although Owner Perry Missner passed him up for gameball honors, going with �Steve Smith (16/183) gets it this week (14 points). He was the best player on my team this year and he came through with numerous big games. I have finally forgiven him for fumbling twice on kickoffs against the Packers a few years ago.� Speaking of the Packers, Missner noted gleefully, �I knew a lousy Packer season would make me feel good, but I had no idea how good. I don't have to hear about them all the time and they are no longer plastered on the front page of the newspaper. A few more years like this one and it will be just like the 80's, otherwise known as the glory years.� While the Packers fulfilled their manifest destiny, Missner was disappointed once again by �Ed Reed (6/27) - I was expecting a monster game from him after I badmouthed him earlier this season. Six points? Six lousy, freakin' points?� Now, he can no longer vote for Reed in the Pussier category, although Missner had someone else in mind, �None of my players deserve positive awards and, although I tried my damnedest, I don't deserve Modano status, so I'll tout Michael Clayton who was a super bust all season long. I took him in the first round and got crappy play until I finally cut him, and no one took a shot on picking him up from the waiver wire.� Dominick Rhodes (1/3) and Joey Porter (1/2) did not do much in their league debuts, but the Envy had enough from their O-flex (34 points) to get the win. Missner was of two minds when describing his feelings, almost like the difference between Lionel Richie and Journey, �Wow, it is so close. I guess it depends on what kind of mood I am in, although both fit all types of moods. You can slow it down with Lights or Easy Like Sunday Morning or you can put your dancing shoes on with All Night Long or Any Way You Want It. Obviously, I'll be able to enjoy both on commercials infinitum.� Mitchell prefers Lionel. On the win, Missner said, �While it wasn't a terribly satisfying win - just 69 points - we'll take any kind of positivity to end the season that we can get. We kept the Wookies out of the endzone for the first time this season. Now I am going to clean house and try to forget that I tried to use a corporate scandal story for my team.� Mitchell dismissed the loss with a shrug and said, �Yeah, it sucked. But Flutie drop-kicked a field goal. [PAT]� He added, �I still see NE taking out the Colts in the playoffs AGAIN this year�
Weaselicious Cookies 59 The Ballbusters 54 Battle of Who Could Care Less: Do you not hear me anymore? / I know it's not your thing to care / I know it's cool to be so bored / sucks me in when you're aloof / it sucks me in, it sucks, it works / I guess it's cool to be alone / will ya never rest? / fighting the battle of who could care less /everyday you wake up late /sometimes I wish I was /that way / and you think Rockford Files is cool / but there are some things / that you would change / if it were up to you / so think about your masterpiece / watch the Rockford Files / call to see if Paul [Deuce McAllister (6/46)] can score some weed / do ya never rest? / fighting the battle of who could care less /unearned unhappiness / well that's alright I guess / and I've got / this great idea / why don't we pitch it to the Franklin [flash frying] Mint? / fine pewter portraits of / General Apathy [Joey Galloway (11/87) 14 points] and / Major Boredom [LaBrandon Toefield (1/12)] singing / whatever and ever amen / oh well / maybe not /I'll try again / well this should cheer you up for sure / see, I've got your old I.D. /and you're all dressed up like The Cure / ya never rest / fighting the battle of who could care less / unearned unhappiness / you're my hero, I confess.
Year End Voting Instructions � The polls are now open. The scoring for the Sweeney, Pussier, Sneaky Pete and Weinrich voting will be on a 5-3-1 basis. The scoring for the La-la-la-lafontaine voting will be 10-5-3-2-1. Please comment as much as you would like on each awards and your voice shall be heard.
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