Bull City Bares 143 P-Miss Envy 59 It had been a tough two week stretch for Owner Randy Chambers and his Bull City Bares. They watched their nearest competition, the Brentful Brents, drop games in both weeks, but they were unable to take advantage in order to clinch their third championship in four years. It seemed like destiny that the two teams would meet in Week 17 with everything on the line. Destiny was deferred. “Enough,” cried Chambers, “I am as offended as when I saw the American Taliban who had ‘JESUS is the reason for the season’ and ‘Put the CHRIST back in Christmas’ written on the windows of their minivan as I was driving north for the holidays on Saturday morning. Jesus H. Christ may be the reason for your season, but he sure ain't the reason for mine! Repeat after me: De-mo-cra-cy, not a the-o-cra-cy.” It was as if those people hadn’t read that non-fiction classic, the DaVinci Code. Chambers then added that Jesus died for “Roughly 3.141519265 [of my sins] plus one for the blasphemy above,” clearly alluding to the Golden Ratio, which was brought up in Dan Brown’s classic, The DaVinci Code. Whatever higher power there is, he was clearly a Bare (and Bear) fan during the Christmas weekend. It easy to get to the high points for the Bares, just listen to this roster of gameballs that Chambers doled out, “Everyone except our kicker [Lawrence Tynes (10/71)] and Loafing Tatupu (4/29) went balls-out, so we give out eight balls to the other players, in keeping with the Hannukah cheer. First, the defense, led by Messrs. [Terrence] McGee (12/137) and [Donnie] Edwards (15/142). An all-time defensive single week record [the 54 point total topping the 52.5 points the Busters’ D-flex scored in 2003], and both are contenders for the top scoring defender {Jonathan Vilma leads with 149 points]. The Bus (3/8) and Ward (15/121) got of their heinnies and gave us the leadership we were looking for. The last ride of the great Bare Bus rolls this weekend. Cooley (8/48) gets one for catching a TD against the hated Giants, while Delhomey (8/83) , Holt (11/122) & Dunn (12/97) continue to plug away. Finally, the MVP gets a whole Santa-sized sack of balls, cuz his sacks got two big ones. No one is laughing at the La-la-lexander (15/278) campaign now. They mocked us two months ago when the postcards first went out, but if the Walrus lets him play Sunday, he's within a few points of the all-time non-QB record and might well beat out the pusswad QB on the middlin' Busters whose team we lost to two weeks ago.” The excited Chambers then took a breath. The only disappointment for Chambers came in the form of “Quite frankly, and that's my name, I expected a heartier challenge from Perry. He must have been in the bathroom cleaning himself up following the Bears win to notice what was going on.” Yes, we all did. The Envy managed just one TD on Saturday from WR Chad Johnson (15/140), but just did not have the fight that one normally associates with a Perry Missner owned team. Struggling to keep back tears, Missner said, “Quitting clearly offends me. Maybe due to my natural persistence, I rarely see a reason to quit. This leads to reading long books that are not so entertaining, but it can also lead to benefits down the road. I also find group think offensive, hence [among many other offensive reasons] my unabated abhorrence of the Packers.” Those Packers were swept by the Bears on Sunday, so Missner did not weep for long. Missner could not even find a member of his own squad worthy of a gameball, giving his kudos to “The Bare D-flex. Wow. Now, that's how a D-flex should play. I seem to remember, the Envy D-flex was once highly regarded, but that seems like a long time ago. We'll study the tapes of this performance to see if we can surround Urlacher (15/130) with better talent.” Despite his teams many sins, Missner did not believe Jesus’ crucifixion absolved him, “As a Jew, I don't believe in that nonsense. Better yet, as a thinking person, I don't believe in that nonsense.” Maybe he was better off not thinking about it as the Envy absorbed their worst loss since an 85 point drubbing by the Cookies in 2003 (134-49). Missner quietly said, “Look over there, boys, that's a champion,” and left the lockerroom. In the other lockerroom there was much rejoicing and champagne corks popping as the team came up with 11 TD’s (a season high tying the Busters from Week 6 and Brents from Week 9) at just the right moment for the team’s 40th blowout win in franchise history. Chambers announced, “Week 16 last year proved to us that there is no such thing as enough points to win in this league. With the possibility of Alexander the Great sitting in week 17, it was now or never.” For the Bares, that time is now.
Belarussian Blatz 112 Brentful Brents 75 Even with the Bares winning in a laugher, Owner Steve Johnson had a chance to keep his team in championship contention with a win, setting up the crucial Week 17 battle with the Bares. Unlike the Bares, however, the Brents faced stiff competition in the form of fellow Packer fan Owner Josh Kowalske, who has seen his team rise in the second half of the season. A lion’s share of that rise is due to the ill-fated (for the Brents) trade that brought Edgerrin James to Brentful for Larry “Bubbie” Johnson (10/174), Marvin “Chutzpah” Harrison, and Heath “Zaydee” Miller. Of the four players, only Bubbie played in Week 16 and once again rolled like a matzah ball over the opponent to the tune of 23 points, for his fourth straight all pro performance and sixth of the season. A concerned Bubbie then made sure Kowalske had been eating, noting that his coach looked like “skin and bones, wouldn’t you like a nice piece of fruit?” Kowalske did not want any fruit, but he offered Bubbie a gameball. Another Blatz trade also started to blossom as Fred Taylor (9/64) enjoyed his role as the No. 2 back for a tidy 12 point sum. WR Chris Chambers (11/108) continued his second half resurgence with 16 points, his fourth all pro game, and Todd Heap (9/42) scored another TD. Even Lee Evans (4/14) , who spent three games earlier in the season with the Cookies scoring 1 point, caught on in the TD frenzy with a TD and 13 points. Over the last three weeks, the Blatz have scored 26 TD’s. Meanwhile, in the heat of a championship chase, the Brents have really taken the pipe as they have only scored six TD’s in four weeks. QB David Garrard (2/31) made any trade talk for clipboard holders meaningless with 17 points, but he had to do so all on audibles as inbred hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf was calling in the plays from the sidelines. Farf started cursing out Johnson, telling him that “I am a legend, and you are just a punk.” Farf’s ranting continued for the entire game and his agent faxed requests for the inbred moron to be traded to a team that would coddle him more. Johnson tried to ignore the idiocy spewing from the over-the-hill idiot, but when Farf intentionally tripped LaDainian Tomlinson (15/235), Johnson had seen enough and threw Farf out of the stadium. Yet, the hillbilly inbrededness had already infected the entire squad. RB Steven Jackson (11/111) was able to score a TD and DB Adrian Wilson (5/53) scored 14 points, but the Brents took their first blowout loss since Week 1 (vs. the Envy). Farf’s actions also offended Kowalske who equated Farf with “the Bush administration.” The five 100+ games for the Blatz is the third longest streak in league history (following seven by the Busters and six for the Bares, both in 2003). A chatty Kowalske told many stories in his post-game press conference, but saved the best ones “for a possible move to satellite radio,” commenting that Jesus would have “to die a thousand times to cover all the [fecal matter] that I’ve done.”
San Francisco Cubists 83 Syracuse 44’s 81 Mythology, where does it come from? Although the myths of various cultures have to come from some basis of reality, what kind of nut would make up a story like a god (Zeus, in this case) appearing like a swan to impregnate a woman. That makes no sense, but it must have come from somewhere. Over the years, a similar mythology has come into being around QB Steve “Swear” McNair (3/27). The legend had it that although Owner Jason Moore and his frequently mighty San Francisco Cubists were nearly unbeatable, they suddenly became all too easily crushed in the presence of McNair. Such had been the case in the past and such was the case again in Week 5, when the Envy beat the Cubists behind 25 points from the demigod McNair. However, something strange happened in Week 14 when the Envy and McNair once again faced the Cubists. The fear that had so shaken the Cubists in the past at the mere mention of McNair’s name was not there. The Cubists triumphed and the curse was broken. Along came mythologist Owner John Stoer, who enjoys a good debunking as much as the next guy. He needed a QB, saw McNair’s name among the rubbish heap, and signed up the Titan with the hopes of an instant victory. Without his godlike powers, the mere mortal McNair had to rely on schemes and deviousness. The Cubists were buying, so the punky QB ran around in the backfield like a headless chicken, ending up taking five points away from his team. Stoer was offended as he thought “a double standard” was being perpetrated as McNair’s powers could not only work for the Envy, could they? Making matters worse Cubists’ QB Matt Hasselbeck (7/122) threw for 17 points, hitting WR Larry Fitzgerald (15/136) – who seems like a good bet to be a Cubists next year as well – for 12 points. Hasselbeck earned a clipboard and a gameball. K Jason Elam (15/112) hit for 10 and WR Drew Bennett (4/20) materialized from the nether regions to score 11. Moore was upset with Dominick Davis (12/111), who did not play (making this the fourth loss for the 44’s against a team with an inactive player), but not as much as when “people forget when they have met you,” although that seems nearly impossible in the case of a man with Moore’s charisma. Despite the chasm at QB, the 44’s kept chipping away at the lead. Clinton Portis (15/156) used all of the weapons in his arsenal to score 19 and earn gameball honors, “this time for his throwing ability too.” Frank Gore (2/16) led the O-flex with 16 and Michael Anderson (11/99) scored 10 more. Mark “Not that Piece of Crap Bust Micheal” Clayton (2/20) had his second consecutive game with a TD and Jerramy Stevens (5/25) was brought out of the abyss to score a TD as well. Heading into Monday night, the 44’s found themselves down by just three points with Rosevelt Colvin (1/1) left to play. Stoer commented on Colvin’s play, “F-ing Rosie Colvin- all I needed was one stinkin’ sack on Bollinger or 4 measly tackles against crappy Jet backs. Na-na-Na-na-Na-na-Na- Hey! You Suck! [Charlie!]” Stoer named playing McNair as the nicest present he has ever given “There you go Jamo, just for you,” and commented, “Oh well. A bad QB and a bad defense blew what otherwise should have been a nice week. Hats off to the Cubists for taking advantage.” The best present Moore has ever given was a “home-made Mother’s day card” and said that Jesus died to absolve all of his sins, while Stoer said that Jesus dies for “hopefully none” of his rather minor sins, like the one time he coveted his neighbor’s ass. All in all, the game was a triumph for reality over mythology and Moore shouted, “Take that, McNair.”
Peaks Island Wookies 100 The Ballbusters 82 Regional pride and potential winning seasons were on the line as the Wookies and Busters faced off. Few people have forgotten their thrilling Week 7, which the Busters won 128-74, behind a record 59 points from their O-flex. Remember? Is it coming back to you? At all? The Wookies were 4-2 at the time and Carson Palmer (15/279) looked unstoppable. Well, the Busters stopped him, and in Week 16, they did so again – more or less. Palmer was held to 14 points, his third lowest total of the season. Even more impressively, the Busters stopped Rudi Johnson’s (15/162) all pro streak at five games, holding the smallest Huxtable to just 5 points. Owner Rich Joseph had his team taking the early lead behind a 2005 record setting day from WR Santana Moss (13/108), who had 28 points, eclipsing Steve Smith’s previous WR high of 26. In fact, the 28 points equaled the most by a WR since Joe Horn had 32 points in 2003. Moss’s fine day took the focus away from the inactivity of LaMont Jordan (15/150) and the quiet first quarter from Peyton Manning (15/251), who had just three points and looked like he would be no threat to Palmer as the season’s top QB. The Busters’ D-flex, the worst in the league at 15.5 ppg, actually lowered their average with just a combined 12 points. With their Bengals relatively quiet, the Wookies had to rely on other teams’ players to score. This year’s top TE Antonio Gates (15/130) scored another TD for 10 and WR Anquan Boldin (9/103) proved that he may have been the best waiver wire pickup of the season with 12 more. The aforementioned Jonathan Vilma (15/149) scored his third all-pro game to tie him with Jason Taylor for the most outstanding defensive performances. Charles Tillman (6/73) chipped in a healthy 11, but was offset by the fine running of the Busters’ Thomas Jones (13/113). On Monday night, Corey Dillon (13/128) sealed the game with 17 points, his fifth all pro performance. Dillon scored two TD’s and the Wookies lead the league in TD’s scored with 90 as well as points scored (98.56 ppg) and points allowed (97.67 ppg). Joseph could have won the game by inserting Ricky Williams (17 points) and Maurice Hicks (13) for Jordan and Dickless Driver (10/68), but it was not to be a Chowdah Bowl sweep. The Wookies clinched a winning season for the first time since 2002 and have scored 100 or more in four consecutive games. The Wookie faithful were so excited by the win that they dumped a huge cauldron of steaming hot clam chowdah on Owner Will Mitchell, scalding 90% of his skin and leaving him virtually unrecognizable. Mitchell was said to be in stable condition in his bed at the Barbara Bush Childern’s Hospital and he vowed to be on the sideline for the Wookies’ Week 17 battle against the Envy.
County Coroners 72 Weaselicious Cookies 23 [the following recap was given by Steven A. Smith during his show “Quite Frankly,” which may or may not refer to Owner Randy Chambers] OK, listen up, people. I know that you want opinions and I’ve got plenty. Oh yes, I have plenty of opinions and I am not afraid to drop some mind altering thoughts on you. People, it has come to my attention that this is the battle for the first pick in the draft and that Owner Dan Weitz wants this first pick that he will do anything (including sacrificing his dignity – what there is left of it after seasons upon seasons of losing) to attain that status. In Week 16, Weitz and his team, the crumbling Cookies, put on a pathetic display (nearly as pathetic as my attempts to dance my way into your hearts with my mix of brown nosing and yelling opinions, but that is neither here nor is there, people) by leaving his lineup completely empty. Only some last minute guilt tactics made him play Lavernues Coles (7/41) and Alex Brown (4/14), both of whom are fine players and deserve better to be with such a dire franchise. Now, Owner Chad Nuss of the Coroners is not much better as he has barely given any attention to his team this season. Sure, they have some fine running backs like Tiki Barber (14/188) and Cadillac Williams (14/97), who combined for 24 points this week – enough to beat the Cookies (equaled by the benched Julius Peppers – a reprehensible decision in my mind) by themselves. Nuss awarded the gameball to the Coroners equipment manager and said ending up in last place offends him as he thought his team was perennially mediocre, not terrible. Now, I’ll take some questions from my audience. [Smith pauses, places his hand on his moustache as if he is listening, and interrupts the audience member before the question has been asked]. That’s an interesting question, but I am of the opinion that Weitz should be punished and severely for his actions and his threatening of league integrity. In fact, I polled Modano owners about the situation and one thought his team should be contracted so that there would only be nine teams left. Would you like to know my thoughts on that idea? Well, would yo- Will you let me fin.. Will you let me f… Will you LET ME FINISH?!?!? That’s asinine because then every week one team would have a bye. It’s no good. [A production assistant scurries onto the set and hands Smith a card.] My producers at ESPN have just handed me a card that says Commissioner Tugwell (who was introduced to his wife by Owner Randy Chambers, how’s that for a gift?!?) has decreed that Weitz will be suspended for the rest of the season, will not be allowed to have the first pick, and will be sentenced to death via listening to Yanni on repeat loop for as long as it takes. Hopefully, those punishments will be enough for Weitz to remember not to mess with league pride. And that’s my show for this week. I’d like to thank my guests Isiah Thomas, the finest GM in the NBA today, and Bill Walton, who I did not let get a word in edgewise. Tomorrow on the show, we’ll have Howie Schwaub from ESPN’s Stump the Schwaub contest. It’s my house but you’re welcome any time. [And with that familiar pronouncement, Smith starts slowly spinning in something he calls the ESPN shuffle – all the way to the bank, baby]
Week 17 previews - With the Bares already ensure as champions, Week 17 is all about pride. With the prize committee shuffling their feet, it has been about pride in Weeks 1-16 as well, but pride is clearly a much sought commodity for nine of the league owners. The anticlimactic battle between the Bares and Brents takes place with few of the players being locks to play. Owner Steve Johnson can still hope the sweep over the Bares, something no other team can claim, but even with a win, he’ll find his team one game back. Owner Randy Chambers noted, “I learned over the last two years to follow the Jamo Rule: Never wait 'til week 17. Too many guys sit. The Bus told the fellas in the locker room that we simply had to keep the state[s] of Wisconsin [and Minnesota] 0-for-ever in Modanos. Sorry, Steve, but there won't be a championship game in the central time zone. Ever.” Sentencing the Midwest to eternal bridesmaid status seems a little strong, but who can question the past. The Brents did win in Week 8 by a 113-65 margin, but the Bares still hold a 7-4 series edge. Chambers has left his Week 17 lineup alone, possibly in tribute to the Week 16 victory, while Johnson has inserted Marion Barber and Andre Johnson for a tryout. The surprising Belarussian Blatz go for double digits wins in their battle against the 44’s. The Blatz won 80-69 in the team’s initial meeting and Owner John Stoer commented, “Who better to QB the 44's on New Years Eve/Day than our old friend Kerry Collins. Hopefully he'll be so tanked that he won't feel the pain and will actually play the full 4 quarters for me. It would be a nice change. Also, Congrats to the Bares- Champions of Modano again.” Yes, it’s what we in the making stuff up business call closure. The 44’s started with the drunken rebel and they will finish with him. Zack Crockett, Jeff Reed, Adelius Thomas, and Marcus Washington also make their debuts for the 44’s, while Kowalske knows enough to leave good things alone. This year, the league’s top scoring team, the Peaks Island Wookies, will not win a championship. They can secure 10 wins by knocking of the reeling P-Miss Envy, losers of three in a row. The Wookies stomped the Envy 121-94 in Week 8 and hold a 7-4 series edge. Owner Perry Missner said, “Well, the Brents-Bare matchup is no more meaningful than than our matchup against the Wookies. We have brought in some new defenders for the underperforming safeties and Cedric Benson will have one more shot to show that he was worth trading away Bubbie. If Brady doesn't play (although he should with playoff seeding on the line), we have brought in old favorite Patrick Ramsey (the best QB I have ever seen live!) as a backup.” Benson has already been benched and Dominic Rhodes is in his place. Willis McGahee also makes his return to the Envy lineup, while Owner Will Mitchell returns Terri Glenn and gives Chris Gamble a try. The battle of the bay is renewed when the County Coroners look for a rare sweep over the San Francisco Cubists. Owner Chad Nuss, in a rare appearance, said, “Two game winning streak, here I come. It will be nice to beat the Cubists, and it would make the year worth it.” Hold on there, chachee. While the Week 8 95-81 win was nice, Owner Jason Moore isn’t just going to give you this one. Moore is starting Josh McCown (1/7) and Ronnie Brown. He said nothing about this battle, but had other comments, “Thanks a lot, Brents, for rolling over and handing another championship to the Bears. At least the Redskins game will be meaningful.” The Coroners are 5-2 in Week 17’s. Finally, the controversial Cookies wind up another losing season (their seventh in eight tries) against the Busters. Owner Dan Weitz has not commented on his public debacle of only starting two players, but we have just learned that the competition committee will consider the game a win for the Cookies in everything except the official record book. Weitz has inserted players for Week 17, but they include the broken Donovan McNabb and Deuce McAllister. The Cookies beat the Busters in Week 8 behind 21 points from McNabb, while Peyton Manning was on the bye. Maybe McNabb will gut out another game, we’ll have to see. Owner Rich Joseph has not changed his lineup and his attention is focused almost entirely on providing cool soothing to the hand of Marcus Camby.
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