Peaks Island Wookies 109 Bull City Bares 91 How long does it take for disrespect to dissipate? For some, disrespectful comments are forgotten almost instantly, but the shelf life for disrespect in the mind of Owner Will Mitchell definitely endures for longer than nine weeks. Mitchell�s team, the Wookies, had championship aspirations early in the season, opening the year with three consecutive wins. However, as has happened in previous seasons, the Wookies puked up their lead, hitting the bottom of the barrel against the Bares, allowing Owner Randy Chambers to dismiss them as �chokers.� Despite being eliminated from contention of their first ever meaningful championship, the Wooks decided to take a bite out of the top rated team, using their multitude of scoring options. Corey Dillon (12/111) pushed the Wookies into the lead on Saturday with his fourth all pro performance of the year � 16 points on two TD�s. Dillon was matched by Lawrence Tynes (9/70) and Terrence McGee (11/110), but two for one is always good (unless it is for the Sisters Bouvier). The Wookies continued to apply pressure on Sunday with Darrell Jackson (4/36) making his return to the lineup for the first time since Week 3 with 10 points and Anquan Boldin (8/91) hitting the all pro level for the third time with 15. The early receiving led to holes in the top rated Bare D-flex (25.13 ppg) for the Bengal/Wookies. QB Carson Palmer (14/265) had his season leading 12th all pro day with 21 points and handed off to Rudi Johnson (14/157) for another 19. Johnson has had five all pro Sundays in a row and the Wookies lead the league in all pro performance with 37 (the Envy and Brents are tied at distance second with 25). The one slot in which the Wookies usually dominate, known as the Mitchell slot or tightend, was completely dominated by the Bares. Chambers gave his gameball to Chris �C-O-O-L-E-Y. Coooooooley� (9/54) who had an Antonio Gates-like 22 points, while Gates (13/120), the league�s leading tightend by a wide margin (24 more points that Jeremy Shockey) scored a Courtney Anderson-like one point. Cooley�s fine performance (beating the previous Bares TE high by 12) made Chambers grin because �when the Redskins slaughter the Cowboys, basically everyone met expectations. That said, it would have been nice to have our clubhouse leaders -- the Bus [Jerome Bettis (2/1) and Heinz Ward (14/108) -- put up some points.� The Bare D-flex did score 22 points, but Chambers still pined for �How about Deion [Sanders to come out of retirement], so we can have more video to show young defensive backs how not to tackle. Wait, he's already come out of retirement and plays for Baltimore? If a football player unretires to play badly for a lame team, does he make a sound?� Deion does � it sounds like this: �splat.� And that rhymes with flat, which the Bares were in Week 15, although it could be due to the fact that Chambers has been spending a majority of his time writing his memoir, �How Nimble Typing Fingers Got Me Where I Am Today,� which he hopes will be optioned into a big time Hollywood movie in which he thought �the kid from "Rudy" would be pretty darn good for me as a young fella. Small white kids with wild football dreams. Of course, I've heard that I'm beginning to look like, old leatherface himself, Bob Redford as I age. Oh wait, maybe, I think they said Bob Newhart. Same diff.� Not wanting the Week 6 tension to continue past 2005, Chambers took a more conciliatory tone when summarizing the Week 15 loss, �I guess we're OK so long as the Brents keep backing up behind us. Of course, the joy of Sunday's gridiron event in D.C. is so joyous that I'd gladly trade an FFL loss for the results on the field. Plus, Will has the best O in the league (98.47 ppg). No shame in getting outpointed by his squad.� Although amazingly, the Wookies have still allowed more points (98.75 ppg) than they have scored.
San Francisco Cubists 75 Brentful Brents 58 With the Bares losing for the second consecutive week, Owner Steve Johnson had yet another chance to push his team into a tie for first and a chance to win a championship without the help of those nefarious tie breakers. However, much like Neil Patrick Harris, who Johnson would choose to play him in a feature length biopic, as Doogie Howser, M.D., the Brents seem to be held back by something. For Doogie, it was the unimaginable fact that his friend, the 45 IQ�ed Vinny had somehow already lost his virginity with ultraeasy Janine, while Doog had yet to step up the plate with the luscious Wanda. For the Brents, it�s not Vinny holding them back. But what is it? I know it it�s something, but how to put one�s finger on the problem. Whose presence could it be that is holding them back? What one person or entity could hold back an entire team with so much potential and so many fine running backs? Whoever could it be? Could it be SATAN? Er, Brent Farf? Yes, it could and is. What Johnson must do is cut Farf and a championship will almost be assured for the Brents. Yet, Johnson is a very stubborn man, so he has kept the useful Farf, who is a mere shell of the inbred hillbilly moron he used to be. He started David Garrard (1/14) and was awarded with 14 points, rather than the -2 Farf came up with. For some reason, Garrard always reminds me of Buck Rodgers � tweedee, tweedee. The team�s only other TD was scored by the high priced Edgerrin James (14/189) who came up with 8 points. In the middle of the championship stretch, the Brents have only scored four TD�s in the last three weeks. One time MVP candidate LaDainian Tomlinson (14/229) is blowing his chance at receiving the highly coveted La-la-laFontaine MVP Award with just 17 points over the last three weeks. Johnson cried, �M. Turner? M. Faulk? Come on, even when the matchups work, it�s for the wrong guys.� The lousy RB play of the Brents made Johnson wish for the return of �Jim Brown. I'm sure he still has it left in him. Besides, then we wouldn't have all this 'Better than' talk. We would give these whiny bitches something to chew on.� Meanwhile, the Cubists did just enough to hold the Brents down. QB Matt Hasselbeck (6/105), who unconfirmed rumors had being offered to the Brents, threw down his clipboard and played like it was preseason all over again. Hasselbeck scored 27 points, his fourth all pro game, and the Cubists never looked back. Other unconfirmed rumors had John Cusack playing Jason Moore in the Lifetime Original series: �Jason Moore, PI � Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.� Moore gave Hasselbeck the gameball and said, �Wow, you would think this guys would appeal to someone trying to win a championship.� One of the QB�s TD tosses went to Larry Fitzgerald (14/124), who other unconfirmed rumors had being thought of by Owner Jason Moore as a keeper. The Cubists continue to lead the league from the WR slot (10.47 ppg), including Fitzgerald�s 11 points. Speaking of wide receivers, Moore wished �Phil McConkey [would come out of retirement], so that Sean Taylor could hit him this weekend.� Zach Thomas (10/100) led the D-flex with 10 � right on his average, but Moore could not be pleased with the Raven/Batman O-flex which was outscored by Jamal Lewis and his ward Drew Bennett. Despite the second straight loss, the Brents still control their own destiny and Johnson commented, �I have gone from unbeatable to beaten and bruised. Injuries and schedules have me going nowhere, but somehow I am still in it.� When it comes to the Sports Guy, Moore thinks �overall, excellent, although his material has one glaring weakness: no college basketball.� We know of one excellent college basketball writer� On the game, Moore reiterated an earlier point, �If a certain GM had listened to me two weeks ago, his team would be in first place right now.� Still, Edgerrin James is a pretty high price to pay.
Belarussian Blatz 126 P-Miss Envy 111 Break up the Blatz. Seriously, let�s break them up. Has the league ever seen such a dramatic turn around from a 70 ppg team in the first half to a 100 ppg monster in the second half? Does anyone know? I know, I know � I�m the one with 15 Excel spreadsheets, so I can answer this query. No. While the trade with the Brents has done wonders for Owner Josh Kowalske�s team, it isn�t just Bubbie�s matzah ball soup that is causing this upward trend in scoring. The presence of Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (9/151) has certainly helped the Blatz as he had his fifth all pro game of the season with 24 points. Johnson was supplemented on Saturday by Jake Plummer�s (6/72) first all pro game of 21, and the Blatz were off like �Barry Sanders [who should come out of retirement] because he was great to watch.� However, the scrappy P-Miss Envy were not to be left in the dust as Tom Brady (12/176) fired up the TD scoring touch with three TD�s of his own for 26 points, his sixth all pro game. Speaking of New England, Owner Perry Missner offered this commentary on Bill Simmons, known as the Sports Guy, �I generally like his stuff - especially the funny stuff. However, when he tries to be serious, it's like Weird Al being serious. Bad times.� Kowalske questioned, �He�s a douchebag?� The movie star quality of Brady made Missner ponder who�d like to see in a movie about himself, �I'd greenlight Steve Buscemi in a script about me. I am sure he would bring something that I couldn't even imagine because he is so funny looking.� The Envy were able to keep pace with Blatz for a time on Sunday. Steve Smith (14/168) had his first all pro game since Week 8 with 19 points and led the O-flex in a triflexa performance (including TD�s from Ryan Moats (1/11) and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (8/64) for the second time in three weeks. The Envy O-flex has now scored 40+ points three times. Chad Johnson (14/127) scored another TD for 12, but did not celebrate, and Missner gave the gameball to Brian Urlacher (14/126) who matched Johnson�s output and �was sensation on Sunday night and gave us the lead overnight. Unlike wussie Vick, Brian wasn't afraid of the cold. Jeeze, Vick, be a man!� The Sunday lead of seven points was not held for long as Todd Heap (8/34) had the game of his season, maybe his career, with 19 points against the pathetic Packer defense. The Blatz�s previous TE high was 9, scored in Week 1. Heap was given the gameball, but the Monday game was not without its bad points for Kowalske who wept when he saw Samkon �Broken on the Green� Gado (6/58) fall to a knee injury. Kowalske also gave props to Jason Taylor (12/106), who had his league leading third all pro performance. The Monday night debacle caused Missner to state, �Obviously, Farf looks like he has headed into retirement, but I have no desire to see him come back. I'd like to see the Fridge come back as a full time fullback. I miss those Perry TD's.� He commented also, �No disappointments this week - we put out best foot forward but came up a little short against the league's hottest team. It's official.� Then said, �We tied our highest output of the season, but it wasn't enough. It was foolhardy of me to expect the Packers to be able to stop the previously easily stoppable Heap. What a terrible team. It's another losing season for the Envy, but we'll be back.� The Blatz have now played in a record three straight games in which they and their opponent scored 100+. Kowalske has been contacted by Farrelly Brothers who would like to make a movie about him. Kowalske said he�d like Jeremy Piven to play him as a youth, while Christopher Walker would handle the duties of a mature Kowalske. The picture reportedly will be called �My Blatz is Flatz.� Jennifer Aniston had been contacted as the love interest.
Syracuse 44�s 75 Weaselicious Cookies 74 Speaking of Aniston, her one time paramour, Owner Dan Weitz, was once again playing the 44�s. It was just ten weeks ago that Weitz lined up a date with Aniston, which we all thought was cancelled due to a shampooing. However, investigators recently stole the Weitz family computer and located files on the hard drive that indicating that Weitz and Aniston had been dating, although via cyberspace. Weitz, who uses the screen name Kip while Aniston is known as LaFawnduh, managed to keep the relationship secret from the paparazzi for nearly three months. Unfortunately, he made the sad mistake of telling an Us Weekly reporter about his online love and the story was posted on CNN.com within minutes. When asked for comment, Weitz�s brother Dave, who prefers to be called Napoleon, said, �Gosh. I don�t know anything about it. Idiot!� Napoleon did report that Weitz and Aniston had recently had a fight because Aniston wanted the Cookies to be led by broken QB Donovan McNabb, while Weitz asserted his allegiance to the Cowboys by continuing to play Drew Bledsoe (5/48). Apparently, that divide caused Aniston to cancel her bus trip to Ripon, WI, but she said she still come if the Cookies could beat the 44�s again. Owner John �Uncle Rico� Stoer had other plans, including making heaps of moolah by selling plasticware and breast implants to the unwitting people of Ripon. Stoer, who thinks he could be played in a movie by �Jeff Bridges in Big Lebowski or Brad Pitt as Floyd in True Romance and since Bridges is a little too old to play me, I'll take Pitt� went with Kurt Warner (3/28) who tossed a TD to Randy Moss (13/75). Dallas Clark (4/17), the former Blatz, scored a TE season high for the 44�s with 13 points. The Cookies, with Aniston on the line, were not kept out of the endzone. Joe Jurivicius (11/77), Jason Witten (14/74), Donte� Stallworth (9/71), and Roy Williams (8/49) each scored a TD and Jeff Wilkins (14/104) chipped in 11. Things were definitely looking good for a reconciliation, but then Bledsoe took the field. Although he did score a TD, the Cowboys QB had trouble holding onto the ball and ended up with a -1. Remember that because it will be a key to our plot. Stoer was disappointed by the play of Michael Bennett (2/0), who scored 2 points, �you'd think I'd learn, but no.� Stoer also said, �I'll be able to tolerate [the Sports Guy] better once we exit this era of New England domination of pro sports that matter. Otherwise, anyone who has seen Hoosiers 250+ times and figured out the players stats for the title game is OK in my book.� The 44�s found themselves down 13 heading into Monday night with Mark Clayton (1/7) and Ed Reed (5/21) left. Clayton scored an early TD on a run play and caused Stoer to long for the return of �Art Monk so he can pad his stats and gets his already worthy ass into the Hall of Fame.� Reed, who was maligned early in the season by the media as being a big bust but was a brilliant choice for a D-flex member considering the competition, was able to equal Clayton�s seven point output, including four defended passes. Seven plus seven equals fourteen! As Aniston later pointed out in an interview with Barbara Walter, had Weitz just played McNabb (or any other inactive player like Roger Staubach) like he told her to, he�d still be getting some cyberbooty. Alas, it is not to be so. Stoer commented, �If we could have won the three games where my opponents started injured or de-activated players, we'd be 10-5 and in the thick of things, instead we are left to watching the Ravens-Packers game to squeek out a one point win over a listless Weasels club. At least with the win, we won't be in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes for the #1 pick in next years draft, oh wait....�
The Ballbusters 68 County Coroners 57 [the following recap was written by Dick Vitale] Oh baby, this is a super, scintillating, and spectacular matchup! You have Mr. Windex man Owner Rich Joseph, who is much like Duke University! If I were to make a movie of Mr. Joseph�s life, I would use Tom Cruise to play Joseph! It would be awesome, baby! On the other side of the court, you have Owner Chad Nuss, who loves his Raiders! Oh yes, Mr. Joseph meet Mr. Nuss! I can�t wait for tip off! I am so excited I am afraid my glass eye is going to pop right out! [commercial break] Goddamn punks. I am Dick Vitale and they want me to keep shilling college basketball. Dick Vitale is so much bigger than the NCAA. If I have to kiss Coach K�s butt again this season, I am going to barf all over the place. ESPN does not value me like they should. [end commercial break] We�re back, baby! There�s no stopping Peyton Manning (14/248). He�s awesome, baby, with a capital A! He�s no diaper dandy though, and he comes through with the trifecter for 11 points! Sadly, his streak of six straight all pro games comes to an end. I am sorry, Mr. Manning, but you did not come up with 15 points, baby! Thomas Jones (12/100) was no slouch either, giving the Busters 12 sweet points and earning the gameball!! After his TD, I have to say, Timout, Coach Nuss, T.O., baby! Sure, Nuss has Drew Brees (11/145), who scored a sweet and super 5, but no one does it like Tiki Barber (13/180). Yes, Mr. Barber is having a fantastic season with a bit of dipsy doo dunkeroo and TD�s two! [commercial break] Who am I yelling at? How long can I expect this shtick to last? I have been yelling for 20 years, maybe it�s time I come up with a fresh approach. Perhaps I could come back as a pirate. Argh. [end commercial break] If I could get serious for just a moment, Coach Jim Valvano was a helluva guy. Here�s a shout out to Jimmy V, who is know doubt looking down from heaven and loving what he is seeing on this court, baby! Seriously, though, NBA teams are making huge mistakes when they try to draft some high school kid who has three babies already or some European dude who has a name I can�t come close to pronouncing. It�s all here in the NCAA, baby! It�s all here! [commercial break] Oh, look at this. With all of my yelling, I�ve slobbered all over my shirt and tie. This is no way to live. Sometimes I just disgust myself. You know, the other day, I was thinking of giving it all up and starting a yoga center in suburban Detroit. Now, that would be a fine way to spend my time. [end commercial break] Oh baby! Oh baby! NCAA equals excitement, much like a Busters-Coroners game. It�s excitement, baby! Oh! Oh! Oh! Please don�t turn the channel! Please! I�m still shouting at you! Pleas�[click]
Week 16 previews - It�s possible that either the Brents or Bares are going to back their way into a championship. Fortunately, a tie for the championship is not possible. Hopefully, Owner Randy Chambers and Steve Johnson will not continue to overlook their competition on their way to their Week 17 battle. In Week 16, the Brents have a tough challenge as they meet the league�s hottest team, the Belarussian Blatz. If the season were just two weeks longer, the Blatz would have some hope of a championship in their initial season. The Brents beat the Blatz in Week 7 behind 22 points from the now retired Brent Farf. Oh, he hasn�t retired? He is just playing like an over-the-hill Floridian? Yeah, yeah, right � tempting fate, right. Owner Steve Johnson commented, �It looks like an atonement game.� Yom Kippur, anyone? Right now, the Brents big trade is not looking so great as Johnson has benched Edgerrin James for Chris Brown and is starting David Givens in place of Plaxico Burress. Meanwhile, one tradee, Marvin Harrison, is out with a broken hand, and Samkon �Indonesian Salad� Gado is done. Owner Josh Kowalske hopes to keep his hot streak going as he substitutes Lee Evans and Fred Taylor in their place. Bubbie will be looking for some revenge! The Bares challenge may seem somewhat lesser, but it�s not. The P-Miss Envy, although ranked 8th in the league have scored the 5th most points and are coming off their most points ever scored in a loss. That�s going to make Owner Perry Missner, whose team is 6-1 in previous Week 16�s, unhappy. Missner said, �Ho, ho, ho - it seems like one of Steve's only hopes relies on us. While we would like to start an all-Bear lineup, we are going to keep up the league's integrity. I don't know if the same lineup can do it two weeks in a row, but I like that we have two big guys going against the Cowpokes to give Randy some half-hearted feelings.� Oh, but Chambers does nothing half-heartedly, including his teams 87-49 win over the Envy in Week 7 to even series at seven apiece. Chambers said, �It's time to start winning, not whining. I'm looking for a big week from La-la-lalexander, the Bus and Heinz, and more importantly, the Gibbskins against Tiki, Ellie and the girls. We'll need some extra special voodoo, so we're sending a FedEx package of asthma drugs to P-miss, courtesy of the Bus's marketing guy. Happy Hannukah to all and to all a good fortnight.� Neither team has changed their lineup, but sticky-fingered Nathan Vasher may make his Modano debut. The Busters hope to win complete bragging Northeastern rights in the second game of the Chowdah Bowl. The Busters dominated in Week 7, 128-75, behind a record 59 O-flex points, to take a 3-2 series lead. However, the Buster O-flex of that game included now broken Priest Holmes and LaMont Jordan. Owner Rich Joseph will need a huge 60 minute game from Peyton Manning to overcome the league�s highest scoring team. Owner Will Mitchell has pulled Terri Glenn in favor of Deion Branch and has reinserted Tedy Bruschi (who scored 21 points from the bench in Week 15) for Charles Tillman. That move may be a mistake. The hand of God, or maybe just Jesus, guided Owner John Stoer in Week 7, allowing his team to forge a 110-84 win over the Cubists. The 44�s made the series 4-9 behind 50 points from Mark Brunell and Clinton Portis. Brunell has since been defrocked, but Stoer made a cagey move in signing up Steve McNair, who is 1-1 vs. the Cubists this year, but has been highly successful in the past. Stoer is also starting former Envy flunky Frank Gore and Shawn Merriman with Rosie Colvin rounding out the new players. Stoer said, �After back to back weeks against the rudderless bottom of the league, it'll be nice to face an old rival again, even if it has less meaning than in past years. Since Kurt Warner is more fragile than Keyshawn's ego, we'll trot out McNair and test this whole McNair vs. the Cubists mojo. Happy Holidays to all!!� Yeah, you�d better not say Merry Christmas, dammit, because we are non-denominational around here with our Holiday Tree, our candelabra with eight festive lights (plus the big one in the middle), and our fat guy Kwanzaa dude. Merry Christmas? That�s offensive! Owner Jason Moore commented, �Even though we have no shot at the title, it's still important to show those Syracuse punks that our last matchup was an aberration.� What in the NFL would be considered the race for Reggie Bush is in Modano land the race for the Brents or Wookies cast offs. The loser of the Cookie-Coroner battle will likely have the first pick of next year�s draft. In Week 7, the Coroners won � 82-55. If you think either team has changed their lineup, you�d be wrong.
----------------------------------Merry Crispness Press------------------------