Weaselicious Cookies 101 Brentful Brents 77 It is all too easy for a Modano team owner to look over his schedule midway through the season and guess which weeks his team will win and lose. Unfortunately, looking ahead too far can have some serious consequences. Even so, Owner Steve Johnson should have known better to overlook the Coroners (who his team narrowly beat last week) and the Cookies on their way to the Big Game in Week 17 against the Bares. Sure, the Brents had whipped both the Coroners and Cookies in most of the games since the turn of the century, but every foe in the league can be dangerous, even the lamb-like Cookies. Johnson may have doomed his team to failure even before the game started when he filled out his lineup card and included the name Brent Farf (6/80) at the top of it. Yes, the ESPN guys seemed to do a circle jerk at the mere mention of the inbred hillbilly moron’s name, but the only thing Farf is doing these days is tarnishing his career. Does he really want to be the guy who hung around the high school too long? Apparently. It’s not as if he has other skills or interests to pursue, unless you consider drug addiction a skill. With giant void of leadership at the top (even Marques Tuiasosopo with his 0 points would have been better), the team simply couldn’t find the endzone. We must give credit where credit is due, though, and the Cookies defense staunchly kept the Brents out of the endzone. Johnson gave his gameball to “the Weasels for bringing one hell of a good game this week.” Brian Dawkins (10/70) led the Cookie D-flex with 14 and set up numerous short field situations for QB Drew Bledsoe (4/49) to convert upon. Bledsoe used all of his weapons in amassing 29 points, his second all-pro performance as he three different receivers – Joe Jurevicius (10/69), Jason Witten (13/64), and Roy Williams (7/41) – for scores. Even T.J. Duckett (5/16) got off his fat ass to score a TD. Meanwhile, Johnson couldn’t be bothered, “Hey, I'm sick, we stayed up late last night with company, I can get some laundry done between commercials, so Yes, I do not have to move off this couch.” Now, if it were July, he’d be “out there a playing [sports]. Watching is nice and all, but come on. Look at yourself.” Yeah, look at yourself! You’re not going to another entire tub of cookie dough ice cream, are you? Are you?!? A depressed Johnson put down his tub of ice cream and lamented, “Everyone [played below expectations]. When my K Josh Brown (6/50 and 13 points in Week 14) and D (a combined 32) out perform the rest of the team, it is a dark day.” For the Cookies, it was their second 100+ scoring output in three weeks and if they hadn’t scored a turdy 29 in Week 12, they’d be on a hot streak. Johnson, whose team allowed 100+ for just the second time this season and the first since Week 1 and had their seven game winning streak snapped, summarized the game thusly, “How can everyone suck on the same week? I would have needed, like, 50 points from my WR and RB, and that's just crazy talk. I'm lucky I am still only 1 game back. There is still a little hope.” One game back? Yes, that’s because…
The Ballbusters 85 Bull City Bares 73 The Bull City Bares believed that they had their one time nemesis The Ballbusters figured out. You let Peyton Manning (13/237) have his way and concentrate on holding down the rest of the team. At least, that was their strategy in Week 14. Manning did have his way with the Bare defense, tossing a couple of TD’s for 22 points and his 9th all pro performance (look out, Carson!). Thomas Jones (11/88) chipped in a sweet TD and had 11, but the rest of the Buster offense did very little. Owner Rich Joseph was specifically pissed at RB Ricky Williams (2/-2) who flunked his drug test for his second team this season. Joseph commented, “Ricky Williams, he wanted to start and couldn't prove himself!” Joseph then asked the league what all battered women have in common and elicited a number of hesitant responses. Owner Steve Johnson said, “(Ohh, this could be a really bad joke.) Bad reaction times?,” while Owner Perry Missner followed that up with, “I am almost afraid to answer, but I think it has something to do with Tom Cruise.” Owners Josh Kowalske and John Stoer were more to the point, answering “bruises” and “dickhead partners,” respectively. Owner Randy Chambers commented, “Umm... they've been beaten? They are victims? They are women? They need help? In spite of his miraculous win this week, I'm still dubious of Rich.” Maybe Chambers dubiousness will be erased by the answer Joseph supplied, “They don't LISTEN!” So, anyway, how about those Cubbies? I hear it may snow all day long. Did I change the subject yet? Good. Chambers went with battered Brad Johnson (1/4) in the old switcheroo and got limited results. Chambers noted, “Brad Johnson and Rod Smith (4/35) [were disappointing]. Your first starts may be your last, boys.” Even though Smith started in Week 13 for the Bares as well. Chambers gave his gameball to the Bus, then mumbled some comments that have been rendered unintelligible. The Bares did receive nice performances from Shaun Alexander (13/234), Lofa Totupu (2/18) and Terrence McGee (10/99), but felt the need to justify his relative inactivity for the day, “I am doing a lot today. Read the Washington Post on-line in preparation for the first truly meaningful Redskins-Cowboys late-season battle since Aikman and Irvin were still running around in pads, not filling our ears with B.S., replying to this insightful interview, two meetings, team holiday lunch, latke party at my kids' school. One busy day. Hopefully I can unwind with some decent college hoops on tonight, though I have not checked the schedule.” Or maybe Chambers and his team were just looking forward to next month, “I am partial to January. NFL Playoffs are the best professional postseason and college hoops hits full gear in January with conference play. Given the cold weather, it's also the perfect time to engorge oneself on sports-on-TV. Of course, there are occasional exceptions. In 2006, with World Cup play, June will reign, but that's a quadrennial thing, and the month can vary.” Wake me when they score. Joseph game his gameball to Jared Allen (4/27) for his “big game” of 16 points. Joseph said Allen was playing like it was October, Joseph’s favorite month for sports. The Bares had one last shot at victory and a two game lead with three to play as Warrick Dunn (10/89) faced a 13 point deficit and Dwight Smith on Monday. L’il Warrick only scored 6 and was offset by Dwight’s 5. Chambers, who saw his five game winning streak disappear, said, “An off week for the Bares matched by an off-league for the Brentful Brents. Fortunately, La-la-lalexander continues to roll.” The Busters snapped a three game losing streak and notched their first Week 14 win and Joseph said enviously and exuberantly, “Nice battle for the lead! Wish I was there!”
Belarussian Blatz 134 Peaks Island Wookies 114 It took Owner Josh Kowalske about half a season to get his bearings within the Modano Mi Hermano landscape. He managed to sneak through the first half of the season getting some cheap wins and taking a few beatings along the way. However, since the turn of the season, the Blatz have found their stride and are starting to play like a team that means business. Serious business. In Week 14, they played the serious spoiler, knocking the Peaks Island Wookies out of championship contention and moving back up to .500 for the season. Part of the resurgence is due to Kowalske’s ability to maximize Edgerrin James’ (13/181) trade potential. While James has scored a pleasant 51 points for the Brents since he was traded, the Blatz have more than recouped their losses via 88 points from Larry “Bubbie” Johnson (8/127) and 47 from Marvin Harrison (11/105). The two former-Brents were again up to their old scoring tricks by combing for a sweet 49 points combined (James had 10) in leading to the Blatzs’ highest score of the season and fourth 100+ output in five games. LJ received Kowalske’s gameball. The duo were supported by the first ever Blatz triflexa which included two more all pro performances from Chris Chambers (9/84) and Samkon “Put it on the” Gado (4/55), helping the Blatz eclipse their high TD total from 8 to 10. Although the Blatz D-flex did not score that much (17 combined), they held Wookies’ QB Carson Palmer (13/244) in check for just the second time this season (Palmer has scored all pro numbers in every week by Week 7 and 14 now). Even though Palmers was somewhat off, the rest of the Wookies scored in droves. TE Antonio Gates (12/119) has all but locked up the top TE ranking and had his second all pro performance of 15, while Terri Glenn (9/69) and Rudi Johnson (12/138) had all pro numbers, which for Johnson was his fourth straight 15+ game. The two helped establish a new Wookies record for the O-flex with a total of 44 points. Jonathan Vilma (13/130) kept his average in double digits with 10 more points. He holds a 12 point advantage over the #2 defensive player, Keith Bulluck. Charles Tillman (4/59) also had a sweet game from the D-flex with 14, but it just wasn’t enough. The Wookies have been plagued this season by playing the wrong team at the wrong time as they have allowed six 100+ games (and scored 100+ games) and an average of 99.5 ppg. Owner Josh Kowalske, who prefers the madness of March for sports months, has seen his team involved in the season’s highest scoring game as well as the lowest (a 62-51 win over the Coroners in Week 9). This was only the second time in Modano history that a team has scored and allowed 100+ points in two consecutive weeks (the Bares did it in 2004 – a 109-110 loss to the Envy, followed by a 125-102 win over the Cookies). Kowalske summed things up by saying, “I did it, I’m done.”
San Francisco Cubists 98 P-Miss Envy 74 In Week 14, we learned just how much Owner Jason Moore fears QB Steve “Pear” McNair (2/32). It used to be that the mere mention of McNair’s name would send Moore scurrying under a table or into the bathroom with a locked door behind him. Maybe it was because Moore used to have much more at stake when his team was in championship contention, but this year the Cubists have had to deal with an unending array of problems, including the suspension of stalwart WR Terrell Owens and the falling apart of once scary RB Jamal Lewis. Playing for mere respectability, the Cubists showed little fear of being beaten by McNair and Owner Perry Missner’s Envy did not have a backup plan in case McNair did not put up ridiculous numbers. There were three main differences between the teams – QB, RB, and D-flex play. Matt Hasselbeck (5/78) shucked his clipboard and baseball cap to riddle the Envy D-flex with TD passes. Hasselbeck ended up with a team high 28 points and a gameball, and rendered McNair’s mere 7 points meaningless. Missner whined, “Steve ‘Waiver’ McNair [played below expectations]. His presence was supposed to lift the team to a win, but he did very little against the Texans. Enjoy the imitation gold watch, buddy.” The Envy D-flex has also not been its usual dominant self in 2005, ranking just 7th in the league (22.93 ppg). Although Brian Urlacher (13/114) and Antoine Winfield (2/19) played well, they were completely outplayed by the Cubists trio of London Fletcher (5/64), Zach Thomas (9/90), and Jeremiah Trotter (8/71), who combined for 37 points, a Cubist season high. The RB slot, which has been a season long problem for Moore, finally jumped out of the #10 slot in the league (7.5 ppg) behind 18 points from Dominick Davis (11/111), the Cubists first all pro game from any running back. They were the last team to have an all pro RB. Meanwhile, the once heralded Willis McGahee (13/93) did not score and his 100 point season may be in jeopardy. McGahee has not scored in double figures since Week 8. The RB reasoned, “I did a lot yesterday and I plan on doing a lot tomorrow, so for today "this" is it.” Missner noted, “I have no idea what happened to Willis McGahee - he has completed disappeared. Maybe some bench time will recharge his batteries.” Missner should have been happy with the play of Mike Vanderjagt (9/64) who booted home 14 points as well as continuing to have the top two rated WR’s – Steve Smith (13/149) and Chad Johnson (13/115), but the loss made him unhappy, “Perhaps we are a smidge overconfident, banking on the experience of McNair. Everything was right in Week 13, so things had to cool off a bit and they did so more than that.” Still, Missner looked at the calendar and noted, “December is the best month for sports. I like having the pro basketball and football all the time with a bit of college hoops mixed in. I don't really care about the playoffs unless one of my teams is playing. The only missing ingredient is fantasy baseball, which makes September #2.” Another positive thing is that the Envy are one of only three teams who have scored more than they have allowed (+4.07 margin/game, joining the Bares (+15.36) and Brents (+19.07). Moore summed up the game, “Nice to beat McNair. Great game by Hasselbeck, Domanick Davis, and the defense... but not enough people are stepping up to show they want to be on next year's team.” The Cubists snapped a two game losing streak and Moore said, “I did quite enough, thanks.”
County Coroners 113 Syracuse 44’s 65 Sometimes the simplest comments are the most profound. Coming off a 100-76 win in Week 13, Owner John Stoer said, “Winning is better than losing.” It is so simple it has to be true. And if it were just as simple as saying five words, no one would lose. All week long WR Randy Moss (12/68) had been ranting and raving about how he always loved playing the Coroners and super Raider fan Owner Chad Nuss. Moss, with his eyes noticeably bloodshot, said his score would be so high, it would put Ricky Williams to shame. Unfortunately, Moss’s words were louder than his deeds as he scored a single point and let his team and his owner down, “So many to choose from [of players of poor quality], but Moss disappointed against Mr. Raider.” Moss scored only a quarter of the points of Sebastian Janakowski (12/81). The Coroners used a combo-running attack and an efficient air assault to put the 44’s down. The 44’s had no answer for Tiki Barber (12/159) and Cadillac Williams (12/80), who each scored 19 points. Barber matched QB Drew Brees (10/140) with his 5th all pro game as Brees threw for 21 points and hit Eddie Kennison (4/36) for a score. Stoer had to make due with Clinton Portis (13/130) who scored 14 and earned the gameball, while Kurt Warner (2/19) threw to WR Koren Robinson (1/11) for his only score. RB Michael Anderson (10/89), the only starter from the 44’s Week 1 lineup left (the Blatz only had one Week 1 starter as well, Jason Taylor, with slightly different results) had but a single point. Stoer couldn’t be bothered to do any more today, “Actually yes it is [all I am going to do]. I have the flu.” Don’t forget, starve a flu and feed the chicken pox, right? In other matters, Stoer gave the best sports month question all due consideration, “Tough, tough choice, but March tops September with Conference Tourneys plus the Big Dance and Spring Training edging the opening of both pro and college football plus pennant races, though this year nothing will top June with the World Cup- the best sporting event in the world.” Obviously, Chambers and Stoer are in league with each other and trying to emphasize a sport in which you can miss the only goal of a two hour game when you get up to go to the bathroom. Oh, but the subtleties! Blah – just hit it hard! Speaking of hitting hard, this was the Coroners 20th franchise blowout win (against 41 losses by >25 points) and represented their biggest win of the season and their first ever Week 14 win. Commenting on all of this, Stoer said, “Chad may not check in often, but he knows the winning strategy to confound the 44's. For the unfathomable third time this season, I have faced an opponent with an inactive player in the starting roster and have lost. I'm discouraged that it has even happened three times, but to lose all three times, I give up.”
Week 15 previews And then there were two. With the Wookies out of the race, there are just two teams vying for the championship and as fate would have it in this crazy year of 2005, just two teams above .500. Both the Bares and Brents face stern tests as both try to rebound from losses in Week 14. The league-leading Bares face off against the aforementioned Wookies, whose title hopes first began to dissipate after their Week 6 86-68 loss to the Bares. Carson Palmer’s 21 points were trumped by Shaun Alexander’s 33 as the Bares upped their series lead to 9-3. Owner Randy Chambers said, “Big, big, big game. Will's boys can play. Can the Bus do it again?” Bettis makes his Bare debut and Jake Delhomme is back in the lineup. The Brents hope to achieve a split with the Cubists (a feat all five teams accomplished in Week 14) as they lost 90-82 in what would be their last loss until Week 14. Owner Steve Johnson hopes LaDainian Tomlinson (13/223) breaks out of his mini-funk that has seen him score 11 points over the last two weeks. Maybe he misses Bubbie. The Brents, who are down in the series 9-3, have installed David Garrard as their QB, but rumors had a potential deal sending Hasselbeck over to the Brents. No changes to the Cubist lineup yet and Moore said, “We have a chance to influence the championship. I think pride will help us play hard.” The Blatz hope their recent success continues as they take on the stumbling Envy, who have lost six of eight. In Week 6, the Envy pummeled the Blatz (110-67) with six players scoring 14 or more. In Week 15, Owner Perry Missner noted, “The Blatz are about the hottest team in Modano land, but we plan to cool them off by picking up the numerous Gado fumbles for scores and taunting Larry Johnson by calling him "Bubbie."” Ooh, the taunting! Missner has benched keeper RB Willis McGahee and installed Deshaun Foster (3/29) as the RB starter. Cedric Houston makes his debut and Troy Polamalu makes his return. For the Blatz, it is the same lineup that scored 134 points in Week 14. Owner John Stoer will be looking for a bit of revenge when his team faces the Cookies. It was in Week 6 that the Cookies knocked off the 44’s without a QB, leading to a date with a Hollywood starlet. Stoer decided not to comment on the low rated game that will only be shown in the homes of its owners, “Good luck to the Bares and Bretts- may the better team win.” For awhile, it looked like the 44’s would go with the crazy lineup of three Bronco RB’s in their flex, which would surely be undone by Ron Dayne having a big game. For now, the 44’s, who lead the series 8-7, are trying out all sorts of new players including RB Stephen Davis, WR Mark Clayton (no, not that Mark Clayton), TE Dallas Clark, and DB Morlon Greenwood. Owner Dan Weitz hasn’t checked his team in two weeks, so someone is bound to be inactive. Owner Rich Joseph noted, “We had more guys going for the title last year,” which is true. It was a mishmash last year and that equals fun. 2005 is rounding into an inevitability. Joseph’s Ballbusters still have a shot at a winning season, but they will have to beat the Coroners to start off. In Week 6, the Busters dominated the Owner Chad Nuss’s team by a 141-71 score to gain a 4-1 series advantage. Lineup alterations may or may not be made later in the week.
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