Brentful Brents 81 County Coroners 79 The Brents own the Coroners, or to put it into language even Pedro Martinez would understand: Owner Steve Johnson is Owner Chad Nuss�s daddy. We�re not sure where that phrase came from, but it is self-evident in the case of this series history in which the Brents have won the last six meetings. Maybe Al Davis snubbed Johnson at one point or Johnson holds Rich Gannon responsible for never becoming the QB he could have while he was with the Vikings, only to become the league MVP with the Raiders. Who knows? What we do know is that in Week 13, the Coroners came to play. Nuss used every trick in the book, and some that he memorized and didn�t need the book for, to try to pull the upset win. Unlike all of the previous weeks, he concentrated his offense on Courtney �not Alexander� Anderson (9/21) who scored the first TE TD for the Coroners in 2005. Anderson, not to be confused with the Courtney Alexander who was once drafted by the Washington Wizards, found the endzone and did a dance like he had never been there before. Drew Brees (9/119) led the Coroners with 17 points (fourth all pro game) and Michael Strahan (10/69) had his best game in a while with 14 points. Tiki Barber (11/134) and Eddie Kennison (3/23) also had seven apiece � all on yards. Meanwhile, Johnson, �who thinks the death penalty if ok if we 100% knew the person was guilty. But we can not be that certain,� tried to steer his team through a down week. All-World RB LaDainian Tomlinson (12/218) was held to 6 points by the Raider defense and Stephen Jackson (8/94) and Greg Jones (3/21) combined for just 8. It was up to the new guy, Edgerrin James (12/171), to lead the four pronged rushing attack with his fifth all pro game (15 pts). The team was led by DB Adrian Wilson (2/23) who had his first all pro game with 17 pts and may be a Romulan like Johnson likes because �they don�t [Fuddruckers] around.� QB Kerry Collins (10/134) was extra soused for his game against the Raiders� #1 fan and he threw his only TD to Anderson (not Alexander) for 10 points. Still, that was 13 points better than veteran QB Brent Farf in a richly deserved whipping of the inbred hillbilly moron. The fact that Kyle Orton made better decisions than Farf, who single-handedly killed his team�s chance of winning by throwing dumb interception after dumb interception, should tell you all you need to know. Obviously, Johnson was wise to bench Farf, but he would be even wiser just to cut him outright. He might, in fact, guarantee his team a championship in that manner. Johnson then opined that �Farf should do something away from the limelight after this season, when he retires. Give up the spotlight already.� The team�s generally lackluster play had them heading into Monday night down four points with K Josh Brown (5/37) left to play. Against the normally ferocious Eagle defense, four points would not be a given, but seeing as Mike McMahon was shaming the family name, Brown was able to lift his team to victory via 6 PAT�s. Johnson handed the gameball to Brown and said, �thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.� He commented further, �Everyone except James and Wilson was off. They are the ones kept us in it. Thankfully, we had just enough.� Even further Johnson said, �Props to LJ. I never thought he would up to a #1 D like that.� The Brents have now won seven in a row, the longest streak of the season, but their blowout streak of five ended, tying the record of Cubists (1998, 2002) and Bares (2003).
Bull City Bares 110 Belarussian Blatz 105 The Bull City Bares are having one of the greatest seasons in Modano�s lengthy history. What does Owner Randy Chambers attribute his success to, even though his keepers (Culpepper � broken, Moss � traded) have not been only 33% successful? There is the training, of course. Let�s not forget the vitamins, about which every Hulkamaniac knows. But, more than anything, Chambers has relied on the fervent and sweat-provoking prayers. Mainly, he prays to Mr. God that Shaun Alexander (12/220) stays healthy and that the Walrus does not decide to go too pass wacky. Chambers had to sweat during prayer and while watching football in Week 13 to maintain his one game lead over the Brents as he took on the surging Belarussian Blatz. Speaking of prayer, Chambers said that �you will be saddened to know that we FFL professionals don�t dwell on schlock 70�s wannabe sci-fi shows. That said, saince Shatner was the token Jew on board [Did Leonard Nimoy convert? I�d better read my Jewish newsletter. I did know that Zulu changed teams though.], we�ll take the captain.� Owner Josh Kowalske, who is opposed to the death penalty because �I have always thought being shackled to a wall in just a loin cloth for life would be a fair punishment. Add in paper cuts, random beatings, and a series of bad haircuts, and I think that would equal death,� has his team humming along in the second half, ready to prove that four game losing streak was a fluke. He made his team better by trading his best player, Edgerrin James, for a pair of productive guys. Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (7/99) has actually been more productive than James of late, including his 21 point outburst this week. Johnson achieved his third all pro game and hit pay dirt twice. The other incoming player, Marvin Harrison (10/84), who was a Bare a long time ago, had had to pack his bags twice this season. Even with his frequent flyer miles raging, Harrison was comfortable enough to grab a Jake Plummer (4/38) pass and score 10 points. Kowalske said that �he was looking more from the snake,� and �I like Williams Shatner because he is William [Flagrante Dilecto] Shatner.� Chris Chambers (8/64), earner of a gameball, had a huge game from the yards standpoint (238) and scored a TD for 18 points, his second all pro game, while Samkon �Put it on the� Gado (3/37) had a fluky TD in a losing effort. Todd Heap (6/11) played poorly for his third team and was the Blatz�s 7th different starting TE (the high for other teams is three). For the Bares, the scoring was top heavy. Jake Delhomme (6/58) had a decent 14 point game, but was able to hit Hines Ward (12/101) for two TD strikes and 19 points. Ward had his first all pro game since Week 3 and his third overall. Ronde Barber (10/81) once again took advantage of that na�ve Aaron Brooks, his former Virginia teammate for three years, and scored 17 points on a trio of interceptions. Kowalske commented that Brooks� imminent departure from football would leave many career paths open, including, �insurance salesman, realtor, or clown.� Barber was given a gameball for �continuing to keep the UVa connection alive and well. Jamo taught me a long time ago to always play Ronde against the �aints.� Chris Cooley (7/31) also added a TD, his first in a Bare uniform, and received a gameball. Chambers hoped that Cooley becomes a car pitchman when his playing days are over, �because it always a good second career. Down in Carolina, we even have Deacon Jones Chevrolet, which goes to show you that you can go from making commercials [and Police Academy movies] to owning the whole darn lot!� Mike Brown (8/46) also got a gameball for �his big day on D. Sack and forced fumble in one play is something every coach adores.� Chambers was not pleased with the production of his O-flex (11 pts), which included a mighty 0 from Stephen Davis (10/72). Chambers commented, �Davis was a big disappointment after such a great first half of the season! Of course, we�ll blame it on Coach Fox, since Stephen is an all-timer in our books.� Still, Davis shouldn�t be sentenced to death for his lousy play because Chambers is �95% against the death penalty. Killing people to show that killing folks is bad seems darn screwy. That said, there�s some folks that it just ain�t worth keeping around (Hitler, Stalin, and their pals [like Troy Aikman] come to mind as obvious choices.� Ah, folks, that takes me back. As the week turned, the Blatz held a 10 point lead with the Bares holding an Alexander card left in their deck. Alexander, who is the focus of three headline stories per day in Bull City newspapers (although this type of saturation coverage is making the rest of the country feel like he is T.O. all over again), came through with two short range field to endzone TD�s, allowing the Bares to eek out a win. Chambers gave him another gameball and said, �La-la-laxender for winning it on Monday night, even when the Seatlle defense seemed unwilling to share the ball near the endzone.� The Bares are now 3-0 in games decided by less than 10 points and remain undefeated in Week 13, a perfect 8-0, causing Chambers to shout at the top of his lungs, �Like the Duke-Virginia Tech game on Sunday night, this one made me sweat until the last points were scored. Getting out of Belarus without Lenin and friends knocking us off took some moxie. Sadly, the Seahawk defense scored enough to give SteveJ his five points, so we did not open up any breathing room heading down the stretch.�
Peaks Island Wookies 139 San Francisco Cubists 82 With the Brents and Bares winning, the winner of this game would have only a slight glimmer of a faint hope of winning the greatest championship of them all. Much like last week, Owner Will Mitchell used his Bengal connection to forge an early lead. Carson Palmer (12/238) has been enjoying an unbelievable hot streak this season, and he has been even hotter lately. Palmer, who has 11 all pro performances this year to his name, had his 5th straight game of 20 or more points � 25 in Week 13. Not only did he hit his receivers (see below), but he is handing off with accuracy as well. Owner Will Mitchell, who likes �Captain Kirk, because of the way he sings,� handed Palmer the gameball and named him MVP � Most Versatile Pastry chef. �Oh, his tortes and chocolate sauces,� moaned Mitchell. Rudi Johnson (12/121) has hit his own hot streak with three straight all pro games, including 18 points this week. The two Bengal/Wookie kept Cubist LB London Fletcher (4/49) busy, but for this week Fletcher was up to the task. Fletcher had an incredible 24 point outburst, including the second straight week of a Modano D-flex guy notching a 5 point safety. Owner Jason Moore handed Fletcher, or Fletch as he is known in the Cubist locker room, the gameball and told him that when he retired he should open a car dealership. Unfortunately for the Cubists, the offense did not perform right along with the defense. Especially poor was the Batman O-flex, which included Bruce (5/28) and Wayne (12/82). Batman himself, Jamal Lewis (8/19), had his second negative game of the season and made Moore reconsider his position on the death penalty, �against, but it is too late to discuss it.� While the Cubists were being held to single digits, the Wookies were hitting 10+ at an alarming rate. RB Corey Dillon (10/82) enjoyed his newfound health for 11 (as the Wookies were the only team with their original three keepers playing) and Anquan Boldin (6/69) had his second all pro game with 16. Mitchell noted, �Branch (9/56) and Porter (6/35) were weak (5 points combined), but we put up 139, so no one gets dinged. They helped take the coverage pressure off Boldin and loosened up the D for Dillon and Rudi.� The Wookie D-flex also went crazy with each member scoring in double digits. Dwight Freeney (12/78) and Charles Tillman (3/45) each had their second all pro games with a combined 34 points, and Jonathan Vilma (12/120) extended his lead as the defensive player with the most points (10 more than Donnie Edwards). Speaking of defense, the uber-liberal Mitchell said, �[I am] in favor [of the death penalty], but only in the MOST extreme ases, like where an axe murderer hacks up his family in their home, videotapes it, and admits doing it. There should be more safeguards against mistakes in the judicial system on this one.� Heading into Monday night, Moore tried to use a mind meld on Matt Hasselbeck (4/50) to give him the precision of Vulcan logic (since Spock was his favorite Star Trek character �because his name was cool�), but the meld failed with disastrous results. Hasselbeck only scored 9 points and Moore started holding a clipboard. Moore commented on the trying season in which his team has been blown out three times (equaling the most in any season for the Cubists), �This season can�t end soon enough.� The Cubists, like the Bares, have never been blown out twice in a row. When the Wookies play well (5 100+ games), they win by large margins (5 blowout wins in those games). Even though they are the second highest scoring team in the league (96.31 ppg), they have actually allowed more points (96.85 ppg) than they have scored. Mitchell looked up at the standings and said, �The Brents and Bares squeaked out more wins � can�t be caught now (or can they?) [Yes, in fact, they can.] I am gunning for third.�
P-Miss Envy 98 Weaselicious Cookies 29 Is there anything sweeter than making a prediction, however outlandish, and it coming true? No, there isn�t, although the mythical Mackinaw peach is close. After early promise, the season of the P-Miss Envy was settled into their also ran pattern, but Missner held confidence in his team�s ability to rebound and slam the door on the Weaselicious Cookies. Missner had been upset by rival Owner Dan Weitz�s running up the score in the Week 4 95-53 win so Missner (who prefers �Warf, and I think he has appeared in just about every Star Trek franchise. It is nice to have someone so rude and unhappy to make everyone else look better.�) set his phasers to kill, not stun, kill. The team started out a bit pokey with 10 points combined from 12 game starters Willis McGahee (12/93), Chad Johnson (12/114), and Jeremy Shockey (12/86). Missner was especially put out by McGahee�s recent putrid play: �for one of our franchise building blocks, he sure ain't producing. Frankly, I think it is his offensive line who stinks, whereas McGahee should be good. That never stopped Walter, however.� Things started to heat up when the O-flex got involved as Missner finally picked the right combination in the proper week. DeShaun Foster (2/26) came out of nowhere to score 23 on a couple of scores and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (6/44) had another two TD�s and 17 points. Steve Smith (12/141) finished off the triflexa with another TD and 10 points to pad his WR scoring lead (Chad Johnson is second). Missner bypassed all three players for his gameball though, awarding it to Brian Urlacher (12/105), commenting, �not since Samurai Mike was patrolling the middle have I seen such viciousness at the point of attack. It almost reminds me of a black and yellow blur by the name of Don Sweeney!� Now, that�s the indirect way to tout a player! For the Cookies, nothing went right. QB Drew Bledsoe (3/20) was unable to put together consecutive fine performance as he had a Farf-like -2. Speaking of Cowboy QB�s, Missner noted on careers for football players after they hang up the cleats, �Clearly, color commentator is not respectable as they all end up hurting my ears (except for Moose, who actually watches the game). I think if they are looking for respectability, they should own fast food franchises, such as Wendy's or Burger King (i.e., �Jimbo Covert, who owns 12 McDonalds' restaurants...�)� Missner then took a curious line on the death penalty, �It seems to me that if you wanted to make someone suffer for their crimes, a terrible, long life would be worse than no life at all, unless you believe in all that heaven/hell mishmash. For example, an eternal audio loop of those three ESPN Sunday night dingbats talking would be as bad as any hell I could imagine.� The Cookies did get a pair of 9�s from Julius Jones (9/59) and Keith Brooking (12/91) and a 7 from Brian Dawkins (9/56) on Monday night, but no one else had more than 3. It was the worst Cookie performance since 1998, when they hung up a 29 and a 27 in consecutive weeks. It was the lowest output for a Modano team since the Coroners threw up 27 in Week 7 of 2003. For the Envy, it was the largest blowout in franchise history (surpassing the 85-22 rout of the Devils in 1999) and tied the second highest of the season. Missner noted, �All I had to do was ask? That almost seems too simple. Of course, we finally got the right combination in the O-flex and Dan's team barely showed up, but we needed this one. A bit of respectability and a boost to send the playing the out the string feeling away.�
Syracuse Syracuse 44�s 100 The Ballbusters 76 It has been one of those seasons for Owner John Stoer. His team is talented enough to beat anyone, as they showed in wins over the Brents, Wookies, and Cubists, but they are missing an ingredient that makes teams consistently great. What is that missing spice? We don�t know, but perhaps Kurt Warner (1/11) was the answer. In Week 13, Warner � the 44�s fifth starting QB - had the daunting task of matching up with football�s crown prince, Peyton Manning (12/215). Each had won one La-la-la-laFontaine Award � Manning last year and Warner in 1999. What turned out to be the deciding factor was Stoer�s insistence on using the run to set up the pass, while Owner Rich Joseph used the pass to not set anything up. The 44 defense allowed Manning (who has helped the Busters attain the most keeper points, despite the injury to Priest Holmes, who may be on his way to being a �personal training or coach,� and the down season by TE Tony Gonzalez (11/45)) to get his points� 21 in all for his 8th all pro performance and 5th straight � but concentrated on shutting down the two-tined Buster running attack. Based on his wonderful work within commercials in which he roots for the common man, Stoer said he wouldn�t be surprised if Manning became �a sit com guest star when he retired, or if he is lucky, he could have a show of his own.� Joe Theisman would be perfect as the Dad who was always talking to the neighbor or the offensive coordinator and calling them � a word he doesn�t like to use with just anyone, but happens to use with everyone � a genius. Joseph gave the gameball to Manning, but said that Dickless Driver�s (8/58) four points were substandard. Joseph then commented on the death penalty: �I am in favor of it because there is no sense in crowding jails with losers that will never get out.� LaMont Jordan (12/144) was completely stymied and Thomas Jones (10/77) only faired slightly better. Gonzalez and Joey Galloway (7/62) did manage TD�s, but it just never is enough. Warner, who has been compared to an alien because of his dramatic debut in 1999 but is more like �Data because he is an excellent mirror humanity,� scrambled for 11 points, but his real talent for handing off shown through. Clinton Portis (12/116) commented on how soft and appropriately placed Warner�s handoffs were, while Mike Anderson (9/88) commented on the preciseness of Warner�s manicure and softness of his palms. Portis and Anderson combined for 39 points as the 44�s bulldozed to the win. Portis was given the gameball. Even the exquisite handing off of Warner and the numerous carries bestowed upon him, could not help J.J. Arrington (2/5) overcome his seeming lack of desire. Stoer noted, �If you can�t run against the Niners�� In related news, Stoer said he was a staunch defender of the death penalty because �Some individuals don�t deserve to draw breath (ahem, Brian Mitchell) with the rest of us.� The Busters allowed 100+ points for the third straight game, while the 44�s had their third 100+ game of the season. Stoer said, �There is really no reason why can�t play like this every week, but in this up and down season, we just happened to be up this week. Thankfully, Doo-da-da-doo-da-loo Charlie didn�t go insane against the Titans.�
Week 14 previews - As we alluded to in the Wookies-Cubists recap, there is only one other team that has championship aspirations beyond the two leaders. By virtue of their win, the Wookies still have a twinkling hope. They need the both the Bares and Brents to go into the crapper and lose the rest of their games while the Wookies sweep all four. Even if the Wookies and Brents end up in a virtual tie, the Brents will win due to the head-to-head loss against Brentful. It all sounds unlikely, but every journey starts with just one step. Of the three teams, the Wookies face the stiffest competition � the Belarussian Blatz, who have scored 100+ points in three of their last four games. In Week 5, the Wookies destroyed the Blatz in their first meeting by a 105-52 margin. Owner Will Mitchell noted, �Palmer at Cleveland�� Owner Josh Kowalske brought us an update from the rumor mill, �I received some false information last week. Dan doesn�t shave his pubes, he waxes them. Just wanted to clear that up.� Thanks. Neither team has changed their lineup. Back at the top, the Bares face their old nemesis and 2003 co-champion the Ballbusters. The Bares put the smackdown on the Busters in Week 5 � 109-50 � to take a 4-1 series advantage, including four straight wins. In that game Peyton Manning scored a mere 8 points while Jake Delhomme scored 17. Here�s betting those scores are reversed. Torry Holt makes his return to the Bare lineup in the only change of the week. Owner Randy Chambers noted, �I am not sure that Week 14 is �always interesting� but everyone knows that our greatest joy is whipping up on the Ballbusters. Hopefully, the Jag defense can contain Manning. Otherwise, we�ll be sledding uphill. Mostly, I am looking forward to a nice weekend at home without college football, with the Redskins game on TV down here Sunday afternoon, and perhaps another 4 TD day from La-la-lalexander.� Owner Steve Johnson is looking for another walk over when his Brents face the Cookies, who are down in the series 2-9. The Cookies have not beat the Brents since 2000, a span of 7 straight games, the longest current winning streak of one team over another. Johnson commented, �Another tough game � and another win.� Johnson has made the mistake of reinserting QB Brent Farf in the lineup. The potent Cookie D-flex, which has never scored less than 16 points, will be sure to take advantage of Farf�s latest idiocy. Chris Brown also makes his return to the Brent O-flex. The Cookies as a team have nowhere to go but up after scoring just 29 points in Week 13. Although it doesn�t have the cache as in past years, the biannual McNair Bowl takes place when the Envy with Steve �Pear� McNair hit heads with the San Francisco Cubists. McNair scored 25 points in the Envy�s 106-94 Week 5 win. DL Adewale Ogunleye also makes his Envy debut. Owner Perry Missner said, �Let me get my checklist out. Playing the Cubists? Check. Steve "Pear" McNair at QB? Check. No T.O.? Check. An undeserved win caused by some fluky happenstance? We'll see.� Moore, who finds his team down 7-6 in the series, said mopily, �I am looking forward to another week of disappointing performances by my team.� Hey, that�s the spirit! On the plus side, the Cubists have never lost in Week 14, but on the minus side, the Cubists had never lost in Week 7 before this season as well before being beaten by the 44�s. Finally, WR Randy Moss gets to meet his maker, the County Coroners, for an unprecedented third time this season. In his first two meetings against Coroner Nation, the mercurial WR had TD�s in each game for a total of 24 points. Owner John Stoer is hoping for something good from Moss who has scored a total of 7 points in his three 44 appearances, �Randy Moss is just aching to break out with a monster game this week.� In Week 5, the 44�s pummeled the Coroners into a 81-55 submission behind 19 points by Robert Mathis to take a 10-4 series lead. Mathis is still in the 44 lineup and Michael Bennett (1/-2) makes his 44 debut after a poor game with the Envy earlier in the season. Tatum Bell is also back. It looks like the same old, same old from the Coroners, but we�ll have to wait until Sunday morning to find out for sure. The Coroners have never won in Week 14.
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