Bull City Bares 90 San Francisco Cubists 84 There are many things that Owner Jason Moore knows that most of the other Modano owners couldn�t even begin to fathom. For example, what type of person memorizes the script of Brian De Palma�s The Untouchables (Moses?)? Of course, there is also the fact that Moore knows what it�s like to be a four time champion � knowledge that Owner Randy Chambers will have to win this year and next year just to have a glimpse of. There is also a wealth of technology knowledge bouncing around in that neuron popping brain of Moore�s. Who can answer what the average salary for a specialty pharmaceutical sales representative with 8 or more years of experience? No one but Moore, but we�ll give you a chance to guess. For example, Chambers said, �I would be certain it is less than their peers on the street with similar drug-peddling experience. Perhaps in the 80-90K/year range, whereas their street peers would be bringing home a solid six-figure income, with no tax liability.� Not bad, not bad. Owners Steve Johnson (�guessing about $75K�), Josh Kowalske ($78,500), and Will Mitchell ($105,000) were all a bit low, but could keep playing on the Price is Right, while Owner Perry Missner (�Eight years of experience seems like a lot, so I'll say a billion dollars.�) was a bit high. It was evident from his guess that Owner John Stoer ($125,000) has extensive experience in the pharmaceutical industry as Moore proudly announced the correct answer was $124,000. A gold star goes to Stoer. Yet with all of this knowledge, be it great or small, Moore knew he needed something extra to get his Cubists back in contention, especially against the league leading Bull City Bares. He made the ultra-astute pick up of London Fletcher (3/25) who came through with 11 points. He switched Dominick Davis (9/82) into the RB slot and was rewarded with a season high 13 points, and he even coaxed a TD from TE Randy McMichael (10/50), who hadn�t scored a TD since Week 5. Yet for all of his maneuvering, he put too much faith in Drew Bennett (3/9), who had been dumped by the Cookies and Coroners earlier in the season. If that�s not an omen for disaster, we don�t know what is. Bennett contributed 3 points, but kept Jamal Lewis (15) and Isaac Bruce (16) on the bench. That would be key. For the Bares, Torry Holt (8/96) led the team with his second straight 14 point performance (meanwhile, Randy Moss has scored 3 points in his two week 44 debut), but the team was led in spirit by K Lawrence Tynes (6/54) who received the gameball for his 14 points (a Bare season high) and , �for keeping us in it on Sunday.� Although Chambers did not comment on Shaun Alexander�s (11/205) play it is the duty of the media to report that he did not have an all pro game (13 points). Chambers certainly could have been disappointed by current Skin TE Chris Cooley (6/22) or former Skin Stephen Davis (9/72) for their one point performances, but instead he called out, �As has been the case for three weeks, the Redskins fourth quarter defense and lack of ball control offense continue to disappoint.� The game was still close heading into Monday (83-80, Bares advantage) with Hines Ward (11/82) playing against Reggie Wayne (11/73). Ward scored an early TD and Wayne was overshadowed by Brian Fletcher, handing the victory to the Bares once again. A glum Moore said, �We should have won this game. The only good thing that can be said is that we did not lose 3 starters to injury again this week. At this point, the players are auditioning for keeper status.� Meanwhile, Chambers did his happy Snoopy dance and said, �Heinz Ward gets the second game ball for his OT game-winner. Sweeping Jamo is an extraordinary achievement, even in a rare off year.�
Brentful Brents 135 Syracuse 44�s 66 Of all the holidays that dot the calendar, Owner Steve Johnson loves Thanksgiving more than any. He likes it better than Easter, Christmas, and even Martin Luther King day. Of course, he loves turkey and he enjoys kibitzing with his family (especially his pleasant brother Phil), but most of all he loves the football. It was an especially happy for the Johnson family this year as they all gathered around the old black and white 12� TV and watched Alge Crumpler (10/70) snag a couple of TD�s and 19 points. With Crumpler�s performance, the Brents were off and they did not look back � they did not even look to who they were facing, the downtrodden 44�s. While Crumpler was setting a personal best, 44 RB Michael Anderson � just one game removed from a 26 point performance � couldn�t hold onto the ball and settled for -1. Anderson was even outplayed by Ron Dayne (ho hum). Kevin Jones (8/37) made sure that Stoer did not have to sit in negative land for the weekend with 2 points, but things were not looking good for the 44�s. On Sunday, the onslaught continued as Johnson wanted to let the league know that he remembered who had beaten his team in the first half and he was getting vengeance on his personal �enemies list.� Hit man LaDainian Tomlinson (11/212) recaptured the RB scoring lead with 31 points on three TD�s � his 6th all pro performance. Johnson said, �I had a few all pros, but LT is, and shall be, the man.� Those other all pros included two members of the O-flex � Chris Brown (6/39) and Stephen Jackson (7/92) who combined for 31 points. The defense also got into the act with a combined 28 points, including 12 from Syracuse alum Kevin Bulluck (11/101). The only disappointment to Johnson came from his QB�s. Starter QB Kerry Collins (9/124), a former 44 spokesmodel, seemed quite shaky with five points, while �Brent Farf did what Brent Farf does best,� according to John Madden: �lose and throw interceptions. A disgusted Johnson said, �Both my QBs were drunk and stupid this week.� As opposed to other weeks? We�re guessing he forgot to mention inbred, hillbillyish, and moronic, (although Collins blamed it on his old friend/brother who he was helping with his Budweiser addiction). Meanwhile, Stoer could only sheepishly give his gameball to Brian Westbrook (11/115) for his 13 point day, while QB Trent Green (4/48) had his second all pro performance with 16. Stoer said �pretty much everyone else played stinky-poo.� In fact, he hearkened back to the period of baseball between 1985-1995 which was �a bleak period for the O's, so with outside interests, and Kirby ineligible, I'll go with Darrell Porter [as my favorite baseball player from the period]. Always loved the Portlete Power.� He also said he liked Billy Ripken, while Johnson remained ignorant of America�s National Past Time, �What is this 'baseball' you speak of?� In an effort to do the right thing, Johnson called off the dogs and did not go for the triflexa as Edgerrin James (11/156) had to settle for the same 8 point scored by 44 DE Robert Mathis (7/66). The 69 point victory was the second largest margin of the season (bested only by the Busters 141-71 squashing of the Coroners). The Brents succeeded in breaking their franchise record for a win streak (they had a 5 game win streak in 2003) and have now blown out 5 straight opponents (which ties a record). Stoer related the current iteration of the Brents to a scifi hit movie, �Damn Steve, was it something I said? Actually I think the new look Bretts are more like the dispassionate Terminator and I doubt they gave me a second thought as they rolled over me. Since Collins and Jackson were mine to begin the season and Harrison and Heath Miller (turned into Edge) were too, really, it's my own damn fault. I deserve to be terminated. (Plus Holt for Moss, oy, gotta lay off the weed.)�
Belarussian Blatz 103 The Ballbusters 97 How did our president George W. Bush put it? �Fool me once, shame on somebody; fool me twice, shame on�� That�s pretty much what the league is saying about the Belarussian Blatz. Despite scoring less than any other team in the league, Owner Josh Kowalske has found some indefinable quality that allows his team to sneak out wins. While we aren�t sure what that quality is, we�ll just say that the last three letters of that four-letter words are u-c-k. In any case, Kowalske has found a variety of ways to win and in Week 12, he decided the defense would be showcased. He knew Jason Taylor (9/83) could be a male model, but he wasn�t sure about being a role model. Mr. Kowalske can have no more doubts about Mr. Taylor because JT did something no one in the long, long history of Modano league football has been able to accomplish � a 30 point defensive performance! He did so without the benefit of a TD as well. Taylor managed 6 tackles, 3 sacks, a fumble recovery, a forced fumble, and a safety (worth 5 points) in amassing the 30 points, eclipsing the former record of 28 points held by Brian Urlacher from 2001 and DeWayne Washington from 1998. Taylor�s second all pro game of the season even radiated onto his fellow D-flex mates as both Odell Thurman (4/28) and Roy Williams (4/28) scored 10 points apiece, setting a season record for the D-flex with a proud 50 points. The Blatz�s opponents, the Busters, actually hold the all time record with 52.5 points from 2003. Coincidentally, Taylor was involved in that performance as well (along with 24 points from Simeon Rice). One more not on the gameball earning Taylor� he is the only member of the Blatz�s Week 1 lineup who is still starting. With the Blatz D-flex controlling the action, the offense did not have to do much. Kowalske, who was a big fan of Bob Dernier (whose name means �last� in French, the ultimate Cubbie) received TD�s from Jake Plummer (3/29) and Larry Johnson (6/78). Fred Taylor (8/52) refused to suit up for anyone other than the Envy. Offense was not a problem for the Busters as LaMont Jordan (11/144) led all scorers with 21 points � his 4th all pro game and Santana Moss (9/70) returned to the endzone for the first time since Week 7. Owner Rich Joseph was let down by Donald Driver (7/54) who had a disappointing 3 points and the Buster D-flex only scored 16 points, which called for poor reviews on the debuts of Andra Davis (4/26) and Dwight Smith (1/6). Still, the Busters had a chance on Monday night with local favorite Peyton Manning (11/194) hitting the gridiron against Blatz� Marvin Harrison (9/74) and Heath Miller (4/16). Miller did not contribute to the winning cause by Harrison grabbed Manning�s first TD toss and went 80 yards to pay dirt with it, thereby ending the game for all intents and purposes. For the record, the Busters have never won in Week 12 and now the Blatz have never lost.
Weaselicious Cookies 116 Peaks Island Wookies 82 Once you get in the tabloids, they never completely forget you. Owner Dan Weitz had his 15 minutes of fame by nearly dating Hollywood starlet Jennifer Aniston and now the league rumor mill was twirling. Although some league members say they don�t read Star, the Enquirer, People, or The New Republic (like Owner John Stoer �I wish I had some, but I got nuthin.� And Owner Jason Moore �I am uninformed.�), others apparently read back issues like Owner Perry Missner, who said, �I heard that Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson broke up. It's really a shame because they seemed so compatible. Bodies and hearts of plastic.� Owner Randy Chambers seems to read current issues, but not with a lot of comprehension, �Something about Jessica Simpson breaking up with some guy. I never knew that anyone cared about the love life of any of the Simpsons, other than Homer and Marge.� They�re only The Newlyweds for Cripes sake, Randy!!!?!! And, no, they have nothing to do with that slimy Bob Eubanks. Owner Will Mitchell read that �Dick Chaney is an alien,� but Owner Steve Johnson had the juiciest rumor, �Well, I spent the last week in Hampton IA, and, you didn't here this from me, but the people who bought the new land outside of town are putting up a church. But (gasp) its a Morman Church!� While Ripon native had the goods on Weitz, �that Dan shaves his pubes for Monday night volleyball.� [Oop, I just vomited.] While no one, including Aniston for the time being, can verify the truth of Kowalske�s rumor, there is no doubt that Weitz has been looking for vengeance on the league since he was stood up. In Week 12, he found the perfect opportunity as he brought QB Drew Bledsoe (2/22) out of his moldy casket and propped him up to face his former best friend, Mitchell and his Wookies. Bledsoe had a turkey of TD�s, including one to TE Jason Witten (11/52) and another one to his own, personal Roy Williams (6/29) to set the Cookies out to a nice lead. On Sunday, the Wookies came rallying back behind Carson Palmer (11/213), who earned the gameball, �of course.� The league�s leading scorer � one point ahead of Tomlinson � zinged three TD�s of his own for his 10th all pro game and even handed off with precision to Rudi Johnson (11/103), who had his second straight all pro game with 19. After those two and Charles Tillman (2/26), who scored 9, no other Wookie scored more than 5. For the Cookies, the TD�s kept raining down. Joe Jurevicius (8/59) had his second all pro game of the year with an astounding 22 points and Donte� Stallworth (6/55) continued his resurgence with another scoring grab. The Cookies D-flex stood up as well with 30 points as the team from Weaselicious netted a season high total with the same lineup that scored 61 points in Week 11. In snapping their three game losing streak, the Cookies scored a season high 8 TD�s. Maybe now Weitz will reopen his lockerroom � or maybe if Aniston calls him back�
County Coroners 62 P-Miss Envy 61 (�1) [The following recap was written by Lakers star Kobe Bryant as he played against New Jersey Nets on Sunday evening] Yo, Smush, gimme the damn ball. Yes, I am open and guess what? I am going to shoot it. Damn, I am smooth� Kobe from the corner � swish! Yes, I am that damn good and you best believe that I am going to dunk on Richard Jefferson�s ass repeatedly. Oh? What�s that? Air Canada? You don�t like me D-ing you up? Well, I got two letters for ya, Vince: T and S. I am going to be here all night long � hitting jumpers in your face and playing defense with you with my kung fu grip. Awww, hell ya. I am just like by buddy Jeremy Shockey (11/85) who talks the talk and walks the walk. Sure, I pretend to listen to Pheel, but Jordan told me he never listened to that hocus pocus hokum, so I ain�t gonna either. Oh yeah, oh yeah, here I come, baby. Down the lane, 360� and reverse around Nenad Crapstitch for the bucket. Now, if there is one player in the history of baseball that I patterned my game after, I would have to say that Kobe resembles �Keith Moreland. He had a great nickname - Zonk - and I remember once predicting he would hit a homerun on the third pitch of an at bat, and he did. He was not fleet of foot, but he had excess intestinal fortitude.� Intestinal fortitude! Yeah, I got that and here Kobe goes on a 1-on-3 fast break. Yeah, take that � old man Clifford Robinson. You know what makes me sick? It�s stiffs like Kwame Brown who are no better than �Every frickin' guy I pick up and give a flyer to who does nothing. This week it was Antonio Bryant (2/3) and Heath Evans (1/1). I guess they are just filling Michael Clayton's spot.� All right, all right � just give me the ball and get out of Kobe�s way. What? Are you trying to diss Kobe? Well, biotch, I got three rings and I earned them all. Who? The big fella. Sure, he helped me out and he would have helped me a lot more if he wasn�t addicted to the Sizzler buffet. C�mon Shaq � I worked out when I was on trial for rape, but I guess you were too busy filming Kazaam 2 to care about what�s important � the basketball, much like Drew Brees (8/102). Uh oh, time winding down in the fourth quarter. This is what I call Kobe time! I am taking over and ensuring that a team like the Coroners doesn�t score a TD in either appearance against the Envy. OK, OK, timeout. I had better pretend like I am listening to Pheel as he reads from the Bagadavita. �While we have petitioned Yahoo to give Polamalu an extra point because of his 36 yard interception return, we really did not deserve to win. As Dan would say, every frickin decision I made was wrong. Benching the Houshman for the guys we cut and not playing Antoine Winfield. Even Tom Brady was wrong call at Arrowhead. Cripes. I guess this season is boiling down to one of those poker sessions in which you win the first hand and everything goes into the crapper after that. We had a nice opening, but one of these seasons we will sustain it.� OK, back on the court. It�s time for me to win this thing. Down two, clock winding down. Kobe rising, rising � shooting. [Clank � followed by Jason Kidd walking up to Kobe and pointing a finger at the scoreboard, which reads that Kobe and the Envy lose.]
Week 13 previews - Is there a point to playing these games? Why don�t we just skip ahead to Week 17 and let the Brents and Bares face off? Oh no. Nothing is set in stone and with 5 games to play, the Bares only hold a four game lead over the Cubists, Wookies, and Blatz. No, we wouldn�t say it�s anybody�s ballgame, but the future is not predestined, so let us play on. The fodder for the Bares and Brents comes in the forms of the Blatz and Coroners respectively. The Bares stomped the Blatz, 99-41, in their first meeting and the Blatz�s 70.9 ppg gives little reason for optimism. However, the Blatz have won four of their last five and if they can keep it close they are 2-0 in games decided by less than 10 points. Owner Randy Chambers commented, �Worrying about the next game is what keeps me in first place... that and having the best player in the league.� That Mike Brown (7/34) is one helluva player, but best in the league? By the way, ever the literalist, Chambers noted his favorite �baseball� was �the 1987 juiced baseball did not make it into the all-star game, since they always use �special� baseballs for �special� events like the all-star game.� Rrrghg. Chambers has put Stephen Davis on the bench and replaced him with Rod Smith. Owner Josh Kowalske is giving ex-44 and Cubist Todd Heap a TE debut and returns Samkon �Put it on the� Gado to the lineup. That may be a mistake this week. Owner Steve Johnson is already looking ahead to Week 15. When asked if he was worried about Week 13 and his battle against the Coroners, he said, �No. But that Cubists game (Wk 15) could be a close one.� Those words � and the Coroners and Cookies � may come back to haunt him. On the other hand, the Brents have not lost to the Coroners since 2002 (six victories in a row) and to the Cookies since 2001 (seven in a row). Neither Johnson nor Owner Chad Nuss have made any changes to their victorious Week 12 lineups. The Brents won, going away, 104-64 in Week 4 and hold a 10-2 series edge. The battle for third place takes place as the Wookies and Cubists both try to salvage some pride in a seemingly lost season. Neither owner was upbeat after Week 12 losses. Owner Jason Moore said, �Can't get much worse,� while Owner Will Mitchell commented that �Hell yes [I�m worried}. 6-6 and out of the running. Now, does anything rhyme with running?� The Cubists won 106-91 in Week 4 behind 46 points from three players who are either injured or suspended (Marc Bulger, Terrell Owens, and Ray Lewis) to take a 8-4 series lead. K Neil Rackers had 19 points on that day. Neither team has had a chance to change their lineup due to Yahoo server maintenance. Oy. One step down from 6-6 is two teams at 5-7, the Busters and 44�s. Like the Wookies and Cubists, they are both coming off of losses, so any victory would be welcomed. Despite his plan to stay off the wacky weed, Owner John Stoer sang, �Doo-da-da-doo-da-loo---Charlie!! Always love facing Rich and Prince Peyton. Hopefully we can give them a game.� In the post-Thanksgiving week lateness, neither team has changed their lineup. The Busters moved out to a 3-1 series lead with a 92-82 win in Week 4. They were led by Prince Peyton who had 4 TD�s and 32 points. Last and least, we head to Oshkosh, WI were the bottom dwelling Envy and Cookies play. Owner Perry Missner yelled across the yard, �Dan Fricken Weitz. He has offered no help in the interviews since the Aniston debacle and he is coming off a 100 point performance. I ask for so little, but would a 120-20 drubbing be too much? Especially after the 42 point beating we took in Week 4 (95-53 to close the series to 8-6 with an Envy advantage), thereby ending any hopes for this season. We need something to hang our hat on and a 100 point walloping of the Cookies would taste mighty fine.� T.J. Houshmandzadeh, who never should have been benched, returns to the Envy lineup, while DeShaun Foster, Antoine Winfield, and Mike Vanderjagt make their debuts. The Cookies have the same lousy players.
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