Brentful Brents 102 The Ballbusters 76 Busters� QB Peyton Manning (10/177) is a lot of things: He is a thoroughly unexciting adman, does an excellent impression of a chicken, and has a stunningly accurate right arm. The one thing that Manning is not is forgiving. He has never forgiven the state of Florida for sponsoring a team that crushed his Vols year after years during his college days. He still doesn�t like Mel Kiper Jr. for saying the Colts should have chosen Trent Dilfer when he knew his destiny was to be Indianpolis�s QB. And, of course, he has never forgiven Owner Steve Johnson for choosing inbred, hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf (5/81) over him in 2001. Whenever either Johnson or Farf are mentioned, a new tension comes to Manning�s jaw and he changes the subject. Manning made his own personal agenda to defeat Johnson and Farf in Week 11 even if the rest of his team did nothing. That�s pretty much what happened. Manning was at his best, throwing for 28 points and three TD�s. He has scored 81 points over the last three weeks and has 6 all-pro performances for the season. It was his supporting crew that let him down. Owner Rich Joseph was especially hurt by the play of Joey Galloway (5/42) who did not score, despite being formerly known as the Farf-Buster. The Buster D-flex had another pitiful day with just 5 points and is now rated as the worst in the league (15.55 ppg). Without any help, Manning was overwhelmed by the talent rich Brents. Still Johnson was displeased by his own performance, so much so that he had to distance himself from himself and speak in the third person �I could call out Steven Jackson (6/76) , but everyone has a bad game (Arizona?). The worst performer this week was Steve Johnson. Steve Johnson had enough depth to survive, but didn't put the right players in to take full advantage. Steve Johnson wasted so many points (including Chris Brown�s 19, Marion Barber�s 15, Mewelde Moore�s 10, and Adrian Wilson�s 26 points), his bench could have beaten the Bares itself.� Ah, the self-referential third person � is there anything funnier? Just think how Johnson feels when he loses. But all was not lost. New Brent Edgerrin James (10/148) earned a gameball for his 18 points day, his fourth all-pro game. LaDainian Tomlinson (10/181), Plaxico Burress (7/59), and Alge Crumpler (9/51) all added TD�s. The Brent D-flex also added 28 points for a rather sweet day. Heading into Monday, the Brents had Farf going against Donald Driver (6/51), but the inbred hillbilly moron could not stay away from the only guy on the other team (how unusual!), but the Brents lead was too steep already. Johnson celebrated the win by referring to himself in the odd second person, �You are so great! Your team is excellent and you will undoubtedly will everything � including the Modano championship.�
Bull City Bares 77 Weaselicious Cookies 61 Owner Randy Chambers is somewhat of a mystery. He enjoys asking questions that no one can answer, then he refuses to supply an answer. For example, he stumped the league by asking who Joe Lapchick was � Owner Rich Joseph had �no idea,� Owner Steve Johnson said, �Some guy with an awesome name for high school. Wahhhhoooo! [and �Heyoooo!�]�, and Owner Will Mitchell said, �What�s the generic name for the guy who always has a babe on his lap during Celtics games?� More seriously, Owner John Stoer said, �What NBA Hall of Famer could only bare to stand about three months of shared existence with our current leader, shameless Shaun Alexander shill, and creator of this insane exercise?� and Owner Perry Missner said, �I am pretty sure that Chris Ford hit the first three pointer in NBA history, so I don't really know how Lapchick was. The first guy to replace Larry Bird? Or was that Ed Pinckney?� All of these answers, some made clearly in jest, were wrong, but what was the correct answer? Chambers wasn�t saying. He decided not to reply to media inquiries until reporters designated RB Shaun Alexander (10/192) as the leading candidate for the La-la-la-lafontaine MVP Award. While it is generally against media policy to stump for any candidate who is not named Brian Urlacher, we simply must know who Joe Lapchick was. Please, Randy, we guarantee that Alexander will finish in the top 5 of the MVP voting? Not good enough? How about top 4? In any case, Alexander once again proved just how valuable he could be taking his team, which was having an off day against the Weaselicious Cookies, who are owned by Owner Dan Weitz who has also forsworn speaking to the media since they got all the details on his near date with Jennifer Aniston, who sources tell us is now dating either Jon Favreau or that guy named Sue from Swingers. Weitz had the first time decision of naming a new QB. Had he left in Donovan McNabb and won, he may have won back Aniston for an actual date, but he decided to poke Chambers in ribs with his selection of Drew Bledsoe (1/3), who didn�t do much. The only Cookie to have an outstanding day was Donte� Stallworth (5/46), who snatched a couple of TD grabs and an all-pro 17 point performance. Weitz did slow the clock with dive after dive by his runner � Julius Jones (7/47) � into the line for 2 yards, keeping the score within a manageable distance. Unfortuantely, his D-flex, which scored 18, had no answer for Alexander who had his 7th all-pro performance of 19. Alexander has had 71 points over the last three weeks. WR Torry Holt (7/82) also had a successful Bares re-debut with 14 points, despite QB Jake Delhomme (4/43) being completely stifled and confused by a superior defense for just 1 point. RB Stephen Davis (8/71) was also negated by superiority and did not score. When asked for a comment, Chambers stuck out his chin, pointed his temple, and had his assistant coach Terry Robiskie tell the media that the identity of Joe Lapchick would be revealed in the near future.
P-Miss Envy 86 Syracuse 44�s 73 Ah, pizza. Is there anything quite as delicious or multivaried? No, no there isn�t. Most people like their pizza with a bit of sausage, perhaps some pepperoni, a few succulent black olives, and maybe a mushroom or two on top. Yet, you can put almost anything on top of a pizza and it will still be delicious. Both Josh Kowalske and Steve Johnson wouldn�t mind trying �shrimp� (although Johnson adds, �If you haven't tried kraut on your pizza, its actually quite good. Especially if you want to have gas for three weeks afterward.�) Will Mitchell would like to try �bananas� and Owner Rich Joseph has apparently never tried �anchovies,� which only those with refined palates enjoy. Then, there are the two combatants in the biannual Pizza Bowl. Owner John Stoer, who �in the spirit of the season, wouldn�t mind trying turkey,� and Owner Perry Missner, who has �tried many toppings, but I think an Indian pizza with the spicy spinach and homemade cheese (palak paneer) would be quite tasty.� [Damn it, now I am getting hungry and I still have two more hours to go before I get to have some of my own leftover pizza � anchovie paste in the sauce, garlic in the crust, topped with pepperoni, artichoke hearts, and more anchovies. Deliciousoso!] When it comes to his team, the P-Miss Envy, the baking of pizza generally sends them to a win. Why is that? Simple � generally, the Envy cooks only make gruel for the players three times a day, so on the odd weekend when pizza is served, the players feel like they have been rewarded and play to win, unlike when they are weak from vitamin deficiency. Missner explained, �If I only made pizza every week, I could be undefeated. But I like pizza as a treat, so I would get sick of it after awhile. Tom Brady (9/137) continues to be the man and he was effectively the difference in this one. Of course, we were stoked up to crush Ed Reed, but he is simply not man enough to put on the pads and face us. Ed, go stand by Frank Gore (1/0).� Gore refused to play for anyone who would claim that Ed Reed was a poor fifth round choice, so Missner screamed, �we give you a try out and you don't even suit up. Take your place next to Ernie Conwell.� In fact, it was the constant Ed Reed bashing that Stoer sarcastically claimed allowed the Envy to achieve victory, �Knowing the strategy worked for the Weasels some weeks back, Mel Kiper effectively left a roster spot open with the inactive Frank Gore, clearly confident that my 44's would fold under such mind games. And as right as he was about Ed Reed being a terrible 5th round pick, he was also correct in his assessment of my teams mental stability. The Man is a Genius!!� Such is the spite one will receive when snapping a four game losing streak and once again wresting the series advantage away from the 44�s. While Brady was magnificent, Missner gave the gameball to Steve Smith (10/127) because �despite his QB having a terrible day and being the only member of his team that was a threat, Smith came up with a number of big plays and happily no TD's. Yes, I am happy one of my players didn't score TD's. Wouldn't you be?� Although Smith, Brady and the other Envy members of the Envy � including Chad Johnson (10/100) who had his fourth all-pro game, and Jeremy Shockey (10/69) who only caught one ball, but it was in the endzone � were all overshadowed by �11th round pick Mike Anderson� (7/71) , who earned a gameball, �of course� for his three TD, 26 point day. Oddly, it was Anderson and 44 bench QB Trent Green (22 points) who led the Envy to their greatest run in team history in 2000. Anderson combined with K Nate Kaeding (3/27) for 40 points, but the rest of the team was let down by Mark Brunell (4/40), who claimed that his lack of ability to preach caused him to be swayed by the devil and have a terrible game (2 points). To sum up, pizza tastes good, don�t mess with Ed Reed, and Envy win.
Peaks Island Wookies 124 County Coroners 98 The bad blood that exists between Raider and Patriot fans still exist despite both teams fading into mediocrity. Owner Chad Nuss still insists that �it was a fumble,� while all Owner Will Mitchell can respond with is �Damn.� Like the Raiders and Patriots (although Mitchell still claims �Pats are going back to the super bowl. And we�re taking out the undefeated Colts at Indy to get there.�), the Wookies and Coroners have faded from the championship aspirations that every teams starts the season with. For the Coroners, hope was dashed early, but the Wookies got off to a hot start before being banished to the second division. None of the fans had high expectations for this game, but it seemed as if the Wookies and Coroners brought out the best in each other for just this week as the Coroners had their highest score of the season only to be bested by the Wookies going TD crazy. Nuss cashed in on the unlikely TD monopoly between Kyle Orton (2/6) and Mushin Muhammed (9/41) who everyone appreciated for their 16 point production. Ruben Droughns (10/82) and Cadillac Williams (9/50) also scored TD�s from the flex and Derrick Burgess (4/29) had a massive 18 point day from the D-flex. Not to be outdone, the Wookies also had an all pro performance from a defender: Jonathan Vilma (10/104) who had 17 points and is the only defensive player in the league to score in triple digits this season. Vilma�s second all pro game was the 5th defensive all pro performance this season for the Wookies � a league high. They have had the most all pro games overall with 23 and that total includes four more from Week 11. Mitchell was displeased by the D-flex despite Vilma�s performance, mainly due to overhyped Tedy Bruschi (4/15) only scoring 5 and Dwight Freeney (10/61) refusing to hurt his own team�s QB, Carson Palmer (10/186), who had his 9th all-pro game and sixth game of 20 or more, earning the gameball for his points, leadership, and white bread name. Palmer threw TD�s to nearly all of his masculine receivers, leaving out only Terri Glenn (7/44). Anquan Boldin (5/53) and Jerry Porter (4/28) each had their first all pro games with 15 apiece and Rudi Johnson (10/84) ran the pigskin for another 17. TE Antonio Gates (9/93) continues to lap the tightend field, leading second place TE Jeremy Shockey by 24 points, despite playing in one less game. Neil Rackers (6/72) scored another 13 and the Wookies have the best rated K game in the league (8.91 ppg). While Mitchell seemed generally pleased by the win, he was not pleased by his second string QB Eli Manning who once again lit up the scoring wires with 25 points from the bench. Mitchell spat, �Eli, you big wanker. Nice timing.� Mitchell then went on to muse that maybe his season would have turned out differently if his team hadn�t allowed the most points in the league (9.45 ppg).
San Francisco Cubists 93 Belarussian Blatz 65 It is pretty clear that everyone loves Jeopardy (except for that curmudgeon Rich Joseph who only likes the commercials for Jeopardy). Categorically speaking, Owner Will Mitchell enjoys �Geography Challenge, while Owner John Stoer dominates �baseball themed categories.� Generally, Owner Steve Johnson enjoys �Showing off your worthless knowledge to your amazed friends,� while Owner Perry Missner �used to love the Daily Double exclamation music, but I've come to like Alex Trabec, especially the way he cuts off contestants who are eager to get another answer in before the first commercial break. I also like how he repeats answers that people get wrong, as if he is trying to teach someone something.� But, the one thing that sets Owner Josh Kowalske apart from the rest is that he loves the Jeopardy parodies on SNL, especially �when Sean Connery messes up the titles.� That is funny. What is not funny is vapor lock. And, the fact that for the second time this year, the Cubists demolished the Blatz remorselessly. The Blatz did get a gameball earning performance from of their trade winnings, Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (5/68) who mashed the Cubist D for 26 points, knocking out both Dan Morgan (4/18) and Zach Thomas (8/77) in the process. Keenan McCardell (9/54) also had a TD, but that was about it for the Blatz. Owner Jason Moore had his passing game going well. Marc Bulger (8/125) slinged a couple of TD�s for 19 points (his 5th all-pro performance) before getting hurt. It was a tough week for the Cubists. Moore was also again criticized by Michael Irvin, who could not understand why Moore would want to be so petty and let his Terrell Owen�s small misdeeds get in the way of the most important thing � winning. Irvin said, �The Cowboys told me not to do so much coke, but I never stopped. Did that cause them to stop playing me? Hell no! C�mon Moore, give T.O. another chance. Please!?!� Even without T.O. the Cubists still have the #1 WR production (11.64) and Larry Fitzgerald (10/95) kept up that average with a sweet 12 point game. The Cubist O-flex was buzzing like it was Week 4, when they similarly went triflexa. The combined 36 points of former-Bare Isaac Bruce (4/26), Dominick Davis (8/69), and Reggie Wayne (10/69) set a Cubist season high. Moore didn�t even grouse about the 12 points he left on the bench with Kevin Curtis, mainly because he also left Jamal Lewis� lousy -2 on the bench as well. Surprisingly, the 6 TD�s by the Cubists in Week 11 tied their season high. Moore can still feel content in knowing that Reggie Bush will be his next year.
Week 12 previews - As we near the final turn into the homestretch, we have two horse leading the pack, but a few other teams within reasonable shouting distance. The top-seeded Bares face another great challenge in their nemesis, the San Francisco Cubists. The Bares were able to eviscerate the Cubists in Week 3 behind 9 TD�s from the trio of Shaun Alexander, Daunte Culpepper, and Hines Ward. The Cubists still lead the series 8-6, but will have to rely on some backups in Week 12, including Matt Hasselbeck � who will do his best to ignore Alexander � debuting Mike Vrabel, and returning Ray Lewis. There are no changes in the Bare lineup that produced 77 points against the Cookies in Week 11. The second-seeded Brents face a similarly active owner when they face the Syracuse 44�s. Owner John Stoer cut DB Ed Reed due to conduct detrimental to the team (i.e. not playing) and is going with former-Brent Derrick Brooks in the D-flex. Trent Green and Kevin Jones also make their return to the 44 lineup. Stoer commented, �Which 44's team will show? The one that actually scores TD's and can reach the 90 point plateau or the one that yawns its way through 60 point stinkers? Clearly, we'll need our best effort to top the high-flying, 5 game win-streaking, 3 Headed Monster-led Bretts.� The 44�s had their A-game in Week 3 when they won 98-94, despite a 34 point day from LaDainian Tomlinson. The 44�s were led on that day by Kerry Collins, who just happens to be the Brents QB for the day. Owner Steve Johnson must figure that drunk is better than stupid. Johnson, whose team holds an 8-5 edge over the 44�s, claimed, �I can't let up as I have another good competitor and have to win out to take the title.� That is coach-speak for I�ve got nothing interesting to say. The only other team that is above .500 is the Peaks Island Wookies, who have had their problems with the Weaselicious Cookies in the past (the series is tied at six apiece). However, Week 3 was not one of those problem weeks because they Wookies won going away, 129-93, including a record 45 points from the D-flex. Owner Will Mitchell said, �We�re gonna thrash the Weasels and jump back into contention.� He has started in the right place by reinserting Charles Tillman into the lineup. No changes to the Cookie lineup have been made yet, but he has four players going during Thanksgiving. Scrolling down the scoresheet, we see a pair of 5-6 teams facing off, both coming off of humiliating losses (although I suppose all losses are somewhat humiliating). In Week 3, the Blatz took advantage of Peyton Manning playing ball control offense and won 79-67. Owner Rich Joseph said he was looking at �any type of victory,� but hadn�t made any modifications to his lineup yet. Owner Josh Kowalske had not made any changes either, but it may be time to get one week wonder Samkon Gado out of the lineup. Finally, the Envy take on the Coroners who know have more Bears in the lineup than the Envy do (Kyle Orton and Mushin Muhammed against Brian Urlacher). Owner Perry Missner noticed and said, �Our season was shiny and new when we faced the Coroners in Week 3. Now, we have to compete just to remain respectable. Speaking of respect, we like to see both Orton and Muhammed facing us. No Raiders on our side though.� He still remembers the damaging effects of Marques Tuiasasopo, who never played again. The Envy are giving Antonio Bryant and Shawn Merriman tryouts, while the Coroners could have the same lineup for the third week in a row. The Envy hammered the Coroners 111-55 in Week 3 to close the series gap to 8-6.
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