Belarussian Blatz 72 Weaselicious Cookies 70 - What was once one of the signature rivalries in the Modano Mi Hermano league crumbled away in the near hours before Week 1. While our investigative reporters have been unable to piece together a coherent picture of what actually happened, the result was the sudden retirement of Owner Steve “Einar” Olson and the selling of his team to fellow Wisconsinite Josh Kowalske. The causes of the Einar’s 11th hour abandonment are somewhat puzzling, but we do know that he had committed a great deal of time to his many philanthropic activities, including, according to his statement for the press: “leading his church choir, helping disadvantaged youth learn German, and reading the Brett Favre autobiography simply entitled Favre to the blind and illiterate.” Hail to the Einar! The Einar also mentioned that he had become tired of slanted media reports that gave the Packers a less than fair representation. Media members were both aghast and outraged at this report, but promised to be more evenhanded in the future. Other inside sources, closer to Ripon, claimed that last year’s Cookie sweep over the Losers had more to do with the Einar vamoosing than anything else. These sources also said that the Target ads featuring the Einar would be the talk of the Super Bowl (which would be won by the Cowboys, 34-28, over the Colts.) We promise to get down to the brass tacks as we have assigned no less than three reports to cover the Einar at his compound and at work with his various ministries 24 hours a day. The Losers head off into the sunlight with a 43-41-1 record, but they never won a championship. Shoved into the spotlight, Kowalske quickly refashioned the roster into something resembling a fantasy team, rather than a team selected by a draft committee. Kowalske and Cookies’ Owner Dan Weitz have a more of a friendly rivalry than a blood feud (in fact Weitz cooed, “Josh has nice hair.), once the coin was tossed, the tough play started. Things looked good early for the Cookies as RB Deuce McAllister showed off his red zone skills with a couple of TD’s and 16 points. Later, Julius Jones added another TD ands cored 13 points. Meanwhile, the Blatz featured a scoring attack that was based more on the people rather than the highs and lows of a capitalistic system. Jason Taylor did a great job by leading all defensive players in scoring with a fumble return for a TD and 19 points. In the late game, more workers contributed to the part when comrades Marcus Pollard and Kevan Barlow each scored TD’s and Edgerrin James added 5 points on Sunday night. RB Ahman Green also ran well, despite limited blocking and scored 5 points. LB Nick Barnett also played well, adding a pleasant 6 points. Unfortunately, one of the Blatz’s three inherited keepers, Javon Walker, went down in a heap with a torn ACL. We hate to see that happen to anyone. Heading into Monday, the Blatz held a 6 point advantage with QB Michael Vick up against Cookies’ QB Donovan McNabb and LB Keith Brooking. Vick scored on an early QB keeper and tallied 7 points, while McNabb threw for one TD but was unable to produce much more due to a bruised sternum. Brooking provided 6 points, but it just wasn’t enough as the Cookies fell by 2 points. Weitz blamed himself for the loss, noting that he could have waited to tell the Einar his team was floating aimlessly without any player. As we all know, Weitz is a man of integrity and could have never lived with himself if he had done that. Weitz, who is clearly off his meds from last season said, “Surprise Surprise I'm [Flipping] starting off the season pissed again. Get that [flying wombat} mic outta my face.” Kowalske became the first successful entrant in the league Owner Will Mitchell joined the league in 1999.
San Francisco Cubists 90 The Ballbusters 64 - As the sun rose to its apex on this glorious fall afternoon during an Indian summer period, both owners could only smile and bask in the day’s luxuriousness. Cubists’ Owner Jason Moore described it as “78°F with a slight breeze that lets the Frisbee sail, but doesn't make the beer any less refreshing,” while Busters’ Owner Rich Joseph said, “75°F and slight breeze.” Both teams entered the week with something to prove – the Busters had come up empty in their first two Week 1 appearances, while the Cubists had never bested the Busters in four previous attempts. Joseph’s team took the early lead with RB LaMont Jordan and K Adam Vinatieri scoring 11 points during the Thursday opener. On Sunday, the Cubists eroded the lead quickly, getting four double digit performances in the early games, including TD scorers TE Randy McMichael and gameball earning WR Larry Fitzgerald as well as K Shayne Graham and LB Takeo Spikes, who scored 10 apiece. The Busters tried to counter to the onslaught of Cubists’ points, but only Thomas Jones (8 pts) and platooning Priest Holmes (11 pts) found the endzone. The Buster d-flex tried real hard, but was always a fingertip away from making a tackle or an interception. They combined to score as many points as Vinatieri, who according to Joseph should be kicking plenty of PAT’s in the Super Bowl when the Pats maul the Cowboys 42-18 after which everyone talks about the Monster.com ad. When Cubists’ QB Marc Bulger took the stage, he knew that he could pretty much set the game out of reach, and that’s just what he did. By tossing a couple of TD’s and scoring 21 points, Moore figured he had amassed a lead even 2004 MVP Peyton Manning could overcome. Manning – who Moore believes will lead the Colts to a 30-23 win over the Eagles in Super Bowl XL – took on the Baltimore Lewis boys and did what he could, nearly matching Bulger’s production: 20 pts on 2 TD’s, but it wasn’t enough. Ray added 8 and Jamal scored 3 to push the lead further out of reach. Adding the cherry on top, as he usually does, WR Terrell Owens scored 7 points on Monday evening to push the game into blowout status (25+) – only the second blowout loss the Busters have suffered and the first since 2003. Joseph tossed the gameball to the “team mascot – Baldy the Busted Ball.” The Cubists have now opened the last three seasons with wins and the blowout win was their league leading 40th. The Busters, however, have failed to win in all three of their Week 1 attempts. As Moore went to shake Joseph’s hand, he mentioned, “You have a tremendous nucleus of keepers.” Joseph went the other way, saying, “Nice job on the draft.” Moore summarized the win thusly, “Nice late scoring by Bulger and a great start by McMichael, Shane Graham, and Takeo Spikes in support of Larry. Still, we are going to need more TDs out of our RBs and WRs if we are going to be a factor this year.”
County Coroners 82 Bull City Bares 49 - In recent years, meetings between these two teams have gone one way – in favor of Bull City with the newly named Bares winning 6 of the last 7 games. Owner Randy Chambers likes consistency as much as he likes his days “like a warm, sunny autumn Sunday afternoon, when the smell of football is in the air. After tossing the kids in the leaf pile, I can watch the Skins from my front porch in shirtsleeves and shorts.” and his team had sailed over smooth waters for many a season using his two Viking and one Seahawk keepers. When WR Randy Moss was traded, Chambers was left numb. When Moss was traded to the Raiders, Chambers believed he had the advantage he would need to beat the Coroners once again. However, the 2005 Chad Nuss is not your mother’s Chad Nuss. While he still bleeds silver and black, his team had no more Raiders than many other league teams, including the Bares. Things looked bleak for the Coroners as Moss smoked the County’s defense, including Rodney Harrison, for a long TD catch and 14 points. The Coroners lone Oakland representative must have felt out of place because K Sebastian Janakowski was only able to score 2 points, both on PAT’s. While Chambers had been slightly concerned with Moss’s induction into the Just Win, Baby club, perhaps he should have spent more time in the offseason in counseling his other keepers. RB Shaun Alexander suffered an acute case of diverticulitis before the kickoff and was only able to score 4 points, a total matched by two of the Coroners’ keepers – Curtis Martin and Mushin Muhammed. Nuss proved that a ground attack was more potent than an aerial assault by stacking his O-flex with runners, who all scored 10+ points (rookie and gameball earner Cadillac Williams with 15, former-Bier Tiki Barber with 14, and Rueben Droughns with 10 – all on yards). Nuss claimed, “With Droughns, I have the four-headed monster!” He continued that he thought “the Super Bowl will be the Colts winning by a nose over the Eagles, but everyone will be talking about the new Google ads in which they threaten to take over the earth.” Bubba Franks scored but one point, but clearly blocked very well. Nuss complemented Franks by saying he played as perfectly as “a 88°F day with a crisp ocean breeze and small poofy white clouds.” Ever steady QB Drew Brees substituted ably for Trent Green by scoring a couple of TD’s and 12 points, but perhaps the biggest contributor to the Coroners somewhat surprising upset was DL Michael Strahan. Strahan, scorer of 13 points, was in the Bare backfield all game long, harassing Bare QB Daunte Culpepper into one of the worst games in Modano history (actually tying the worst performance, previously held by Kerry Collins in Week 4 of last year). Culpepper threw three interceptions and lost a couple of fumbles in taking 8 points away from his own team. Adding insult to poor performance, Culpepper threw two TD’s to Bare TE Jermaine Wiggins that were called back on penalties (negating Wiggins’ exciting version of the breakdancing move called “the Worm” after the first such TD). The opening day win marked the first time the Coroners had won in Week 1 since 2001. The Bares 49 point output was the first time they had scored less than 50 points since 2002 (a 48-42 win over the East Bay Brothers) and was only the 6th time in team history, the Bares had failed to score 50. Chambers began his post-game locker room interview with his Super Bowl XL pick, “Falcons 20, Steelers 17 and people will be milling around the water cooler talking about the comeback of Enron.” Chambers then said, “He had the fortune of playing against my stink-o-la team this week. Is -8 an all-time record low? Sounds like January in Minneapolis, not friggin' September. All Nuss could respond with was, “I am so sorry.”
Peaks Island Wookies 93 Syracuse 44’s 72 - Oh, to be young again. Surely, you can remember times when it seemed like every day was either “sunset, 65°F, a light breeze coming off the ocean” or “a day like Today. 78°F in September in Maine, full sun, dry air, clear sky, perfect.” Or perhaps you can remember the days when you could shrug off a previous night’s drunken revelry in a matter of minutes, rather than days. Both the Wookies and 44’s started off the 2005 season like the brashest of young colts, points flying up on the board with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Owner John Stoer knew that he would get some heady QB performances from Kerry Collins and he got one in Week 1 when Collins’ flew a number of pretty deep passes to awaiting Raider receivers, who according to Collins will be playing into February “Raiders 37 - Giants or Panthers 13; Coors Light with me and those Twins, baby!” The 44 QB handed himself the gameball. Collins’ 23 points actually spurred on the competition as the trio of Wookie/Pats knew they had to keep pace and did so with three TD’s and a combined 33 points. RB Corey Dillon, who Owner Will Mitchell had been pining for since early last season, made his new owner proud enough to give him the gameball with a couple of TD runs and 18 points. WR Deion Branch snagged another TD and 12 points. The Pats play inspired Mitchell to predict “a Pats threepeat (® of Pat Riley) 32-23 over the Panthers with everyone talking about the Google ad in which they threaten to destroy cyberspace.” Unfortunately, for the 44’s, Collins excellent play failed to inspire his Sunday followers. Only WR Torry Holt and DB Troy Polamalu scored more than 5 points (a combined 15), while the rest of the team fell flat like that can of beer that was opened on Thursday and left alone. Meanwhile, the Wookies’ party kept on raging with TD after TD. QB Carson Palmer (16 pts), the heir apparent to Drew Bledsoe in the Wookies’ tradition, zipped a couple of TD passes – one to WR Darrell Jackson (10 pts). RB Rudi Johnson also scored a TD and 14 points, finishing the big scorers for the Wookies. In order to win, Stoer knew he would need a record setting day from RB Brian Westbrook that could include as many two point conversions as he could handle. Westbrook gave his best effort, but fell short of the 40 points needed by 27. QB Collins questions his owner’s desire to win in that he did not place WR Marvin Harrison in the lineup, but even with Harrison’s 10 points, the Wookie lead was out of reach. Collins commented, “The Wookies took advantage of some favorable matchups (Pats v Raiders D, Bengals v Browns D) and exploited them with good, steady numbers. Playing the right guy on the right week is the key to fantasy football and the Wookies mastered it in Week 1, whereas our coach f-ing bricked it.” Mitchell proved he was no gentleman, however, when the only nice thing he could say about Stoer was “Hmmm…I fondly remember watching Georgetown beat the Orangemen – they’re from Syracuse, right?” Mitchell added, “My crazy trade good for now…so happy to have Dillon home.” A weary Collins told reporters, “Coach says he wants to try this running game b.s, says it helps to win, blah, blah, blah, I say you got to "Let Kerry Be Kerry". Marvin on the bench?? C'mon man. F-ing nonsense. We gotta get back to 3 wide and winging the ball around the field. I don't know. Just what I think.”
P-Miss Envy 111 Brentful Brents 65 - Owners Steve Johnson and Perry Missner have known each other for a long time. They have continued their friendly rivalry from the tennis court to the basketball court (that still doesn’t count as a foul!) to the fantasy gridiron. Johnson had stated that one of his two goals for the season was to beat the Envy (the other being attaining 10 wins). Week 1 did not get out to a good start for the Brents as Envy QB Tom Brady took advantage of the dormant Brent D and a pleasant Thursday evening that had the “late night or early morning coolness of early spring/late summer. The daytime may be hot, but once that cool air settles in, I find it very invigorating” (which Johnson agreed to more or less, “early summer, morning when it is still cool but you know it will be a scorcher.”) to wing a couple of TD’s and 22 points. Missner coolly handed Brady the gameball for being “the consummate leader, starting things off this season in a positive direction and there was no looking back.” Missner then predicted the Super Bowl would look like this:’ “Colts 35 Falcons 31 - High scoring affair with Michael Vick rushing for three TD's and winning MVP for the losing side. For the second year in a row, GoDaddy.com will be the biggest hit.” (which Johnson almost agreed with again, “Colts over the Eagles - 27 to 20. Levitra and their now 8 hour erections will shock the nation.”) Yet the Brent faithful kept their hopes up because Johnson had assembled a fine group of players. In the early game, only DB Marcus Trufant stood out, scoring 15 points on an array of tackles, sacks, and fumble recoveries. The Brents’ offense was simply offensive with only Clinton Portis (8 pts) sticking the dagger in Missner’s heart with his extended forays into the Chicago secondary – yet he did not score a TD. In fact, none of the Brent players scored a TD until RB LaDainian Tomlinson hit pay dirt in the late afternoon. The Envy offense was only somewhat better with just two TD’s on Sunday – one coming from all-pro playing WR Steve Smith (16 pts) and the other by late game playing TE Jeremy Shockey (7 pts). It was the Envy D-flex that bottled up the Brents and led the Envy to their biggest win since the opening week of 2002 (a 104-56 win over the Losers). All three members of the D-flex scored in double figures, including all-pro games by Julian Peterson (16 pts) and rookie Derrick Johnson (15 pts), but they were led spiritually by long time Envy member, Brian Urlacher, who scored 12 points. Johnson commended Missner for his ability to pick defensive players, while Missner noted that Johnson can grow a helluva a goatee. “Plus, he has a pretty forehand.” The Envy D-flex even bullied the Brents’ strong-arm…, legendar… Hall of F… No, we can’t do it. We have to call it as we see it and Brent Farf is an inbred, hillbilly moron who couldn’t keep the sides straight on Sunday afternoon. The man who is suddenly looking like he is 63 years old lost a fumble when he couldn’t hang on to the ball (no one touched him) and fired two rockets right into Lion defenders’ hands. He was brutal. Oh God, that is so much better. Some of mentioned Farf’s inability to think clearly in closed-spaces like Detroit’s stadium, but the fact of the matter is the guy is just dense and Packer faithful may be right in calling for uber-backup Craig Nall – the voice of a new generation. So unhinged was Johnson by Farf’s putrid play, he gave the gameball Larry Johnson in a bit of the old nepotiz. “I got him just after I had just left for the weekend, [a likely story] but he came through like I knew he could. I expect more of the same.” The Envy win allowed P-Miss to pass Brentful in the overall standings and snapped the Brents streak of four opening day victories. Missner said, “It is always nice to start the season with a big win, although we know it doesn't mean much as an omen for the entire season. We are going to need to improve our team quite a bit, but right now our defense is humming.” Johnson simply shook his head, looked longingly at the schedule, and muttered, “It will be a long season.”
Week 2 previews: Week 2 Previews – The week sees a nice symmetry in its games with two contests between 1-0 teams, two matchups of Week 1 losers, and one game right in the middle: the 1-0 Envy against the hard luck 44’s, who had the highest losing score in Week 1. To this point, Owner Perry Missner has not changed the lineup that garnered 111 points. He noted, “Kerry Collins had better beware because the wolfpack has a hankering for some Raider meat. All of our matchups are tougher, but we fear no one. Hopefully, Orton can lick his wounds and get back on two feet against the quite powerful Lions (although it looked like the UW-Oshkosh team could have beaten the woeful Packers this week). “ Owner John Stoer has followed his QB’s suggestion by entering WR Marvin Harrison into the lineup along with Willie Parker and new K Lawrence Tynes. Collins then stated, “First game of the Pizza Bowl rivalry, the Envy is obviously smokin' hot after their week 1 stomping of the Bretts, but if we can uglify Pretty Boy Brady and let me do my thing, we'll be fine. Don't want to drop the first two.” The teams split last year with each win coming by just one point. The Envy hold a 7-6 series lead. The reigning champion Cubists take on the league’s newest team – the Belarussian Blatz. Owner Jason Moore commented, “The Blatz have some serious ground threats, starting with their QB. Our LBs will have to be ready!” Those threats include Michael Vick, Edgerrin James, former Cubist Kevan Barlow, and Ahole “Put it on the” Green (aahh!). WR Keenan McCardell replaces Javon “Post-Surgery” Walker (aahh!) and DB Anthony Henry makes his league debut in the Blatz secondary. Perhaps K Ryan Longshanks (aahh!) can score more than 4 measly points in Week 2. The Cubists have not made any changes to their successful Week 1 lineup. Two of the leagues perennial also-rans, the Wookies and Coroners, scored nice Week 1 wins and they face off. The teams traded blowouts in 2004 – a 78-30 Coroner win and a 113-74 Wookie win – and the series history is tied at 6. Owner Chad Nuss noted, “the Wookies posted a strong 93 last week, and since I always have trouble passing the 80 mark, I'm going to have to hope that Carson Palmer implodes against Minnesota this Sunday, and Carolina's D can stop Mr. Dillon.” Mitchell countered, “I don’t think Martin, Barber, Williams and Droughns can combine for 20 next week, and Bubba will get a zero, so I think I can do it.” Antonio Gates makes his return from suspension for the Wookies and Jimmy Smith, who had 20 bench points, also makes his debut. The Coroner lineup is unchanged at press time. Owner Randy Chambers hopes his team can make a quick turn around and he has the proper opponent for such an event to occur. The Bares have dominated the Cookies like no other matchup in Modanoland – holding a 12-2 series advantage including last years opening week 161-74 super blowout. However, Owner Dan Weitz has lost his arch enemy, so perhaps it is time to create some new enemies. Another reason for Cookie hope is the fact that the Bares had previously dominated the Coroners with 11 victories in 14 tries prior to Week 1. Weitz also had other hopes for Week 2: “Here’s hoping Bull City cheerleaders live up to their names. YES!” Chambers countered, “We plan on trying a bit harder this week. A bit harder. A bit harder. I think we can, I think we can.” Neither team has changed their lineup in the hopes that better play is on the way. Both the Brents and Busters are coming off blowout losses in Week 1, so better times are ahead for one of them. The teams split their games in both 2003 and 2004. Owner Rich Joseph wisely cut DB Mike Green, who was benched by the Bears for missing assignments, but has not named his replacement as of yet – be it newly inked DB Michael Lewis or Brian Dawkins. The Brents have inserted newly acquired RB Larry Johnson and WR Plaxico Burress into the flex, but until they pull their god awful QB, there may be little hope for victory.
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