The Setting: A long red carpet leading to a cruise liner docked off of Lake Winnebago. Not too far from the Menominee Park Zoo and within running distance of the public restrooms. The liner is filled to part capacity by Oshkosh�s wildest skanks and hos. There are three. A crowd is milling along the red carpet and there is a palpable tension in the air. What shocking revelations will be made tonight? What random acts of violence (or kindness perhaps) will be perpetrated? All will be settled soon enough. However, we must start by taking tickets (keepers) along with a few other important questions. Your hosts for the red carpet presentations are the morning ESPN radio guys Mike (Greenberg) & Mike (Golic).
Greenie: Well, buddy, it looks like 2006 is going to be the Year of the Mikes. First, we have our award winning radio show on ESPN radio. Second, our award winning radio show is now broadcast on ESPN2 in the mornings. Third, I still co-host SportsCenter on occasion and you still have a job analyzing football on ESPN. Would you not say that this is going to be a great year for us? Or would you say that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Perhaps we could have our station in a few years � M&MTV. Would you agree or disagree with what I have just asserted?
Golic: Ulp.
Greenie: Now, on top of the fantastic success we�ve been having, we have been tabbed to provide commentary for this Modano Mi Hermano fantasy football year end awards. Clearly, the Modano league is the best fantasy football league in the country, if not the world. However, I do have some questions about our hosting? Will we receive our payment all at once or in installments? Do I really need to be so close to the microphone so that the lemmings in the audience can hear me? Would it or would it not make sense to look at our contract again and see if we are allowed to use the public restrooms over there by the zoo? Well?!?
Golic: The thing is-
Greenie: I can see that you have nothing of relevance to say, so I will prattle on. For the people at home who don�t know, we are talking to you from the historic shores of Lake Winnebago in the city of Oshkosh where many a fish has been caught but nary a sex cruise has been onset. Until today! With Captain Fred Smoot in charge, Barry White and Enrique Yglesias on the boombox, and a tank full of lubrication � we are almost ready to set sail. And now, I�d like to introduce our special guest who will provide commentary on the owners� keeper choices: Pat Robertson.
Pat Robertson [smiling plastically is quickly horrified upon noticing Smoot and his boat, the S.S. Penetration] It is a pleasure to be here. Hopefully, Jesus�s light will wash away the sins of the fornicators.
Fred Smoot: [unhappily] C�mon now, Pat, what we do on the Penetration is not a sin. It�s a divine right, baby!
PR: The act of sexual congress is only to be made between a man and his wife for the purpose of procreation.
FS: Or recreation. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[All of the sudden one of the many waterspouts on Lake Winnebago swings by and takes Smoot away. This causes Mike & Mike to be afraid, while Robertson simply smiles.]
PR: Do not doubt my power to whisk away fornicators or call out for assassinations on insane South American leaders.
Golic: D�uh.
Greenie: With that ample display of power, why don�t we get the festivities started as I see our first coach is arriving. It�s Owner Chad Nuss.
Chad Nuss: Hello, everybody!
Mike & Mike: Hello, Chad!
Greenie: It was a tough season for you, Chad. The Raiders were rebuilding and the Coroners did not seem to be a high priority on your action list. What do you account for your last place finish?
CN: I am glad you asked that. I really think my bad lineup changes at the wrong times � or lack thereof � really hurt. I was tempted many times just to shake things up and make a deal with the 44�s for a few of their many Raiders, but then I remembered I had to wash my hair or something slightly higher on my to-do list. I do promise to be more involved next year. I promise!
Greenie: Sure you do. Speaking of next year, who will be returning to the Coroners in 2006? Of course, I have my own guesses, but let�s see if they correspond with the actualities.
CN: While I would have loved to have brought QB Drew Brees back, I can easily draft him with my first pick. So, I decided to keep my own version of the famed three-headed monster: Tiki Barber, Carnell �the Cadillac� Williams, and Willie Parker. These are a whole new group of keepers for me.
PR [shocked, and dismayed]: Willie Parker?!? This will not do. Parker couldn�t even start for his college team and now he is a keeper in the Modano Mi Hermano league? I know the kid has heart and spunk, but it is clear that Nuss should have been assassinated two years ago. I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.
CN: What are you talking about?
PR: Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping.
Greenie: Chad Nuss is a founding father. He can�t be assassinated or kicked out of the league, for that matter. He is an institution!
PR: Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him.
CN: I think I�ll get on the boat now and call myself Captain.
Golic: But-
Greenie: Now, the controversial Owner Dan Weitz is next. He intentionally lost a game to get the first draft pick, but that was taken away from him. He tried to field a decent team and all of his players got hurt. He even tried to maintain his arch enemy, only to have the Einar quit on him. What�s next from this nut? By the way, where is he?
[Everyone looks around and to their surprise Weitz is nowhere to be seen. Then, one of the many TV screens on the boat lights up and we see that Weitz is by himself standing on a large blue star.]
Dan Weitz: Hi everybody. Each year at the banquet, it seems that I get tazered, brutalized, or otherwise injured, so I decided to come to a place that goes unused each year in January: Cowboy Stadium [joke supplied by Owner Randy Chambers]. From here, no one can hurt me and I can live through the banquet in peace. I am not a violent man and I know my Week 16 actions were deplorable, so to anyone who was offended I sincerely apologize.
[Weitz starts blubbering, which soon becomes all out sobbing.]
DW: [slowly regaining his composure while tears continue to stream down his face and his glasses fog up] It�s just that all of my players keep getting hurt. First, Deuce, then Donovan. Then I also lost my mortal enemy. The Dude is ok to hate, but nothing brings out the best in me like the Einar. Also, I have been in this league forever and I never win. It totally sucks. One time, I even dumped Priest Holmes. I dominate against my friends in Ripon who never check their teams, but for some reason I always lose in Modano. Why am I so cursed?
Greenie: Well, there is always next year. How about your keepers?
[Just as he is about to announce his keepers, the sounds of helicopters can be heard over the monitors.]
DW: What the hell� My keepers are Donovan McNabb, Deuce McAllister, and Julius Jones. There, I just gave those three the kiss of death.
[Weitz�s hair is blown around as three Blackhawk choppers land in Texas Stadium. A team of green berets surrounds the perimeter and Weitz is hit by tranquilizer dart. He falls to the ground and a team of doctors jump out of the helicopters and prepare their instruments for surgery.]
PR: What in hell fire and brimstone is going on down there?
[A familiar face, especially to Weitz, steps in front of the camera. It is Dr. Van Nostrand.]
Dr. Van Nostrand: While the loss of the first pick was voted on by league members, the punishment that everyone really wanted was for Weitz to be forced to listen Yanni for the rest of his days. Therefore, we are implanting a chip in his brain that has Yanni�s Live at the Acropolis album, featuring his megahits �Until the Last Moment� and �Within Attraction,� as well as a super new track in which Yanni whispers sweet nothings to Linda Evans. This chip will be activated by Dan�s own brainwaves, so the angrier he gets, the louder Yanni will get. We expect this type of therapy to work for Weitz and it wouldn�t surprise me if it produced a winner for the Cookies in 2006. As you know, nothing leads to winning more than repetitive Yanni listening.
PR: My God! That�s the worst punishment that I�ve ever heard of, and I�ve read the Bible twice! Frankly, I think the rest of the league has it out for Weitz, who has always seemed like a nice, God fearing man to me. It�s just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.
[A surgical saw is heard from Dallas. Golic gets up and turns off the monitor, saving us all from a Discovery Health channel style bloodfest.]
Greenie: Ugh, that was awful. Perhaps we�ll check back in Dallas later on, but for now let�s get moving. By the way, McNabb is a second year keeper for the Cookies and McAllister had been kept by the Wookies the last three years. Next up is Owner Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters.
Rich Joseph: [a little spacy] Oh man, Wisconsin is cool � and cold. This is worse than some of the trade offers I get. You�re killing me!
Greenie: We apologize for the weather. When you win next year, you can choose the locale. Did you make any mistakes this year that led to your sub par record?
RJ: Just one � keeping Tony Gonzalez. He was awful. My keepers will be much better in 2006. They are Peyton Manning, LaMont Jordan, and Ricky Williams.
PR: What? What devil has taken the souls and minds of the owners in Modano land? First, Willie Parker and now Ricky Williams?!? I blame the liberal judges in America. Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that�s held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings. That and the marijuana. What�s with you owners from New England? Can�t you get off that stuff?
RJ: Hey, I don�t smoke it, I just supply it to Ricky and get a buzz off the second hand smoke. I never inhaled.
PR: Eh, you�re no better than the other sinners. Get on the boat.
[RJ complies and is replaced at the radio booth by Owner Perry Missner.]
Perry Missner: Hi, Pat.
PR: Hello there. Certainly you have no wickedness to be accounted for, do you, young man?
PM: Well, I think Satan made me draft Michael Clayton with my first pick and that turned out rotten. Trading Larry �Bubbie� Johnson for Cedric Benson turned out more rotten.
PR: I once heard Satan say, �Jesus is playing you for a sucker.�
PM: Right, Pat, it was Satan. Well, I am sick of dwelling on my mistakes in 2005. It�s 2006 and I have a new keeper � he of the �Tree Myself� TD celebration � Steve Smith to go along with two hold overs � Chad Johnson (for the third straight year) and Willis McGahee. It was really hard to let Tom Brady go. He was a steady presence on our spiraling ship. Still, QB�s are easier to come by than RB�s and I am pretty sure that Willis McGahee will not become the next Stephon Marbury (who utters that he is the best in the game, then tanks). In 2006, Willis will be the one saying, �Whachoo talkin� about?�
PR: Tom Brady is on the straight and narrow and you should have kept him. Furthermore, my personal feeling is that oral sex is against nature.
PM: Whatever you say, Pat. See you in Hell, buster!
[PM hocks a Sean Taylor sized loogie on Robertson on his way onto the Penetration. Owner John Stoer leaps through the crowd and gives Greenie, Golic, and Robertson a big hug.]
PR [visibly shocked] Get away from me. Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up. That should take care of the sinners in Annapolis too.
John Stoer: Aw, Pat. You so crazy. But we all make our mistakes, don�t we? To quote Lenny from the Simpsons, �That�s why pencils have erasers.� I wish I could erase the Torry Holt for Moss deal which helped solidify another Bares championship, and my previous trade helped Steve challenge for the title- though I still think with Portis I came out ahead on that deal- but trading Kerry Collins has to be my biggest error. When you lose four out of five games against opponents with inactive players on their roster, who else do want to take advantage of that kind of situation than Kerry Collins- and he proved it in week 17. Just a huge mistake.
Greenie: But you plan on rectifying things in 2006, right?
JS: Oh yes, with a threesome like Clinton Portis, Brian Westbrook, and Randy Moss, it would be hard not to go undefeated. It was tough to let go of Mike Anderson, a true warrior this year, and someone who should get some votes, damnit!
PR: Hey now! There�s no need for cursing. But let me just say this: The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
JS: This sounds familiar.
PR: Oh, so you�ve been watching the 700 club?
JS: No way, but certain family members of mine do. �nuff said. Where�s Bryant McKinnie at?
[JS gets on the boat. A downcast Owner Jason Moore is next.]
Greenie: What�s the matter, Jason?
Jason Moore: [glumly] I don�t like finishing .500. I don�t like not finishing in first. And I am still beating myself up for keeping Jamal Lewis instead of Larry Johnson. My worst decision after the draft was cutting Santana Moss. Then I had to choose my keepers for this year. I thought about Ronnie Brown, Jamal Lewis, and Matt Hasselbeck. In the end, I went with Dominick Davis, Terrell Owens (for the sixth year � the only keeper to remain with the same team throughout the Modano keeper era), and Larry Fitzgerald. I just hope the Texans are smart enough to either trade their pick or trade Davis. Still, my mind will not rest until I am the champion once again. I am not happy, not happy at all.
PR: Maybe some prayer will help settle your mind.
JM: Right, prayer. That will help. Thanks a lot.
PR: You�re welco-
JM: Thanks for nothing!
[Apparently something is in the air tonight and JM runs onto the boat, blubbering away. Next up is Owner Josh Kowalske.]
Josh Kowalske: Pat, Pat, Pat. When are you going to learn? The only city for you is Orlando.
PR: No, no, no! I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor
JK: That makes no sense at all. I�d like to announce my keepers now, if I may, they are Larry �Bubbie� Johnson, Marvin Harrison (a six time keeper), and Chris Chambers. I figure we are going to give Bubbie the ball a lot in 2006, so defenses will have to put eight in the box. Therefore, Harrison and Chambers will be open a lot. All we will need is a good QB, like Craig Nall.
PR: Craig Nall? I know two things about him: Like many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler, Nall is a Satanist and a homosexual--the two things seem to go together.
JK: C�mon now, Pat. Those are just rumors, especially the Satanist part.
PR: I don�t know, he does play for an evil presence called the �Peckers.�
JK: I�ve had enough of this.
[JK leaves the radio area and is quickly replaced by Owner Will Mitchell]
Will Mitchell: Pat Robertson � I abhor you. I loathe you!
PR: I feel sorry for you, my son.
WM: I am not your son and neither are Corey Dillon, Rudi Johnson, and Antonio Gates. It was tough to let Carson Palmer go, but he faces a long rehab and if there�s one thing that Wookies hate, it�s rehab. I would have won this season, I think, but I shouldn�t have drafted Foster in the first round�or maybe cutting him was worse. Also Cutting Merriman, cutting Jimmy Smith. Ugh, I get so mad at myself. Most points in the league, but I only came in third place. Why, God? Why?!?
PR: It is best to save the serious questions for the Almighty.
WM: You mean like why hasn�t a bolt of holy righteousness come from the heavens to take Pat Robertson away?
PR: No, let�s take a look at the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there.
WM: Or anywhere!
[WM skips onto the boat and we are now with the top two. Owner Steve Johnson hits the scene.]
Greenie: Steve, it looked like you had your first championship in the bag. What happened?
SJ: Well, Greenie, you wiener, Hmmm, let me think! I should do a Bush and say 'I can't think of any mistakes I've made,' but you would know that's a bunch of BS just like him. I should not have traded away LJ. I thought he would slow against quality Ds, and wouldn't be a good keeper. He might have some questions left, but he sure didn't slow down.
Greenie: I do not appreciate being called a wiener. Or a weiner for that matter. How about some keepers, Steve?
SJ: Sure, jerk. How about LaDainian Tomlinson, Stephen Jackson, and Edgerrin James. How does that suit you? Plaxico had good numbers, but his late season slide made it easier.
PR: Mr. Johnson is surely going to be rewarded by a trip to heaven (or a t-shirt of his choosing). Those three fine young men will no doubt knock the liberal media for a loop. Now, Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court.
SJ: Oh lord.
[SJ gets on the boat and we are almost ready to leave the dock, but before we do, we must honor Owner Randy Chambers � our champion. Queen with Paul Rodgers plays We Are the Champions and RC decides to sing along.]
Randy Chambers: [nearly on key] I�ve taken my bows and my curtain calls. You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all. But it�s been no bed of roses. Now, that�s a pleasure cruise!
Greenie: [cutting off the music with a now forbidden in the NFL slash of the throat] What a season, Randy, what a season. Do you have any regrets? Any regrets at all?
RC: Declining Perry's Brady-for-Culpepper offer early in the season.
Greenie: Ooh, what an excellent offer. Well, don�t let it get you down, man. How about naming your keepers?
RC: No problem. La-la-lalexander, Big Game Holt, and Heinz Ward. With great appreciation, we salute Daunte for many years of leadership and service. Without his play, we'd have no more than one trophy. Instead, we stand, Belichick-like, with three titles in four years. Live long and prosper. Just watch out for boats.
PR: Yes, Daunte should no longer be crowned a champion because he is a sinner. As it says in the Bible, which I have read not once but twice, �sinners are bad and preaching is good.� Of course, I am paraphrasing, but if you want me. I�ll be in the hull of the boat, sitting quietly.
[PR gets a lecherous look on his face and runs off through the crowd onto the boat. RC gets on the boat, shrugging. Mike & Mike hand the microphone to Commissioner Todd Tugwell who proceeds to amaze the owners, players, and Menominee Park bums with his verbal dexterity as he performs an Eminem-style rap with hooks from Toto�s Africa, Foreigner�s Feels Like the First Time, and Led Zeppelin�s The Rain Song. While he is rapping, he busts out dance moves that make it appear like his skeleton is made of silly puddy. The crowd goes wild. The skanks and ho are ready for action. Then Tugwell outdoes himself with a quintuple axel. And he sticks the landing! As the music fades, an out of breath Tugwell has given the crowd his all.]
Commissioner Todd Tugwell: [huffing and puffing] May I introduce your emcee for the night: Mr. T!!!
[Owner Perry Missner begins a slow clap that soon includes everyone. Everyone is happy.]
MrT: I pity the foo-!
[Upon his signature line, the crowd goes bananas. First, the Tugwell�s unbelievable performance, then a keystone of �80�s popular culture. After minutes, the din dies down and the proceedings are ready to proceed.]
MrT: Now, as I was saying. I pity the foo-!
[A dramatic pause as T waits for more applause, but there is none. That ship has sailed. Speaking of which, with everyone on the boat, we have now cruised out to the middle of Lake Winnebago. The ice was just thin enough for the liner to break through.]
T: Ahem. I pity the foo who is not on this boat. Tonight, we�ll be unveiling six awards. The winners will not only take home trophies but will also be given coupons for fifty cents off a small curly fries at Arby�s. Yes, there is a lot at stake, but the card says that I should not continue talking and give the floor to our first two presenters. To present the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player, I give you Belarussian President Alexander Grigoryvich Lukashenko, his bodyguard Nikolai Volkov, and Vice President Dick Cheney!
[Volkov begins singing the Russian National Anthem and waits for the boos like those that used to rain down upon him when he was Iron Sheik�s partner. None come and Volkov does not know all of the words, so his singing peters out.]
AGL: Vice President Cheney. It is an honor to meet you. In Belarus, we have saying, �You may leave if you can do splits.� You know what this means?
DC: I can�t say that I do, but it sounds like my former company Halliburton�s mission statement: We don�t split on no-bids.
[Cheney raises his lip as if to laugh, but an act of joy is beyond him. Suddenly, he grabs his chest and falls to the ground. Secret service guard swarm the area and call for the Blackhawk medvac choppers, all of which are now in Dallas. Alas, it is too late. Cheney expires. The secret service members shrug, pick up Cheney, and give him a burial at sea. A big ass northern comes to the surface and swallows the former Vice President in one bite.]
AGL: My English is, how do you say, not so good. But, I have knowledge of like encyclopedia of American government. According to this knowledge, the new Vice President is you, Nikolai.
[Volkov raises his hands and expects cheers. There are none.]
AGL: Well, I guess we get on with show. There were many surprises in 2005. How about Brad and Angelina, eh, Nikolai? But, the Modano world had its share of surprises. Those players receiving first place votes included the Cookies choosing fourth round draft pick from Busters � Thomas Jones (14/117). He also received a third place vote. QB Drew Bledsoe (5/48) of the Cookies received first (from the Wookies � surprise, surprise), second, and third place votes. Santana Moss (14/113), who was chosen at the end of the 11th round, of the Busters received first place votes from a team that cut him (Cubists) and one that traded for his Mossy friend (the 44�s). Moss came in third place here. The runner up was RB Larry �Bubbie� Johnson (11/204), who ran over the league once he came to my country of Belarus. Johnson received first place votes from the Brents (allowed because it was within the spirit of the voting) and Bares.
RC: Though he put up good numbers in 2005, for a sixth round RB to post 200+ FFL points is silly good, especially compared to the top 2 picks � Julie and Kevin Jones.
AGL: Finally, winner of the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player in 2005 is QB Carson Palmer (16/280). Palmer had nine games of 20 or more points. Amazing. Palmer received first place votes from the Coroners, Busters, Envy, and Blatz as well as two second place votes.
PM: Palmer was a quiet 6th round pick for the Wookies, but he ended up outscoring Peyton Manning by 30 points. It didn�t shock me that Manning was unable to put up another 400 point season (those things just don�t happen), but Palmer had been a non-factor in past Modano years, so Will hit a homer with him.
Carson Palmer: [on a cart] Gosh, this almost makes up for my losing the bottom half of my right leg and having it replaced with a baboon�s leg. By the way, I dedicate this trophy to my friends Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei. I hope they have a long life together.
T: I have one prediction for young Carson Palmer: Pain! Palmer is the first Wookie to take home a Sneaky Pete. Next up � jibber, jabber � we have the Einar, Mike Tice, and Mike Sherman to present the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player.
Ein: Oh, Coach Sherman, I thought you really got the shaft. You did a great job in Green Bay and I am so sorry that egomaniac Ted Thompson let you go. You are the greatest, Coach, the greatest!
MS: Thanks, young man. I put a lot of hard work into coaching the Packers. I sure hope Mike McCarthy knows what he�s getting into. My years as GM left the cupboard pretty bare.
MT: Well, Mike, just in case you�d like to see the Packers at Lambeau next year, I�ve got plenty of good tickets. Of course, I would have preferred to remain coaching the Vikings. I really thought we got it turned around near the end of the year. I have no idea why they fired me.
Ein: Maybe because you could never figure out the instant replay rulings.
MS: In any case, let�s keep this moving. I gotta get home so I can write my article for the Daily Northwestern about how my wife is sick of my snoring. A lot of players had disappointing seasons, although none quite as disappointing as the Packers, so there were a wide variety of first place votes here.
MT: You�re right, Mike. The Cubists selected the second pick of the draft, the 44�s Kevin Jones (8/37) and lone first place votes also went to the Cookies Donovan McNabb (10/149) from the Wookies for getting hurt, I guess, the Envy�s Willis McGahee (14/102) from the 44�s for mere mediocrity rather than putrescence, the Blatz�s QB Michael Vick (6/45) from the Busters, and Ahole �Put it on the� Green (6/22) from the Brents.
Ein: Ahole was lousy then broken.
MS: Yes, that did not help at all.
MT: Speaking of not helping, Randy Moss (14/94), the 2001 Pussier winner, received a first place vote from the Coroners as well as third place vote.
MS: Coming in second were two players who Coach Tice know quite well. Each one received a first, two seconds, and a third. QB Daunte Culpepper (8/53) was named by the Blatz, partly for his memorable -7 on the opening week.
MT: And let�s not dismiss Brent Farf (7/89) who single handedly crushed both your coaching career with his repeated dumb throws but the championship hopes of the Brents. The Cookies would have given all three votes to Farf if they were allowed.
PM: Farf stunk and he buried the Brents championship hopes with his inbreded moronness. Hopefully, next year, the media can find a new whipping boy. Aaron �Duck� Rodgers?
Ein: How dare you? Even though it is true. The winner of the 2005 Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player is Cubists RB Jamal Lewis (10/29). He was mentioned on seven ballots and received first place votes from the Bares and Envy.
PM: Lewis was hideous all season long. Just when he�d have a good game from the bench for Jamo to put him in the lineup, he�d revert to crap form.
RC: 29 points? Didn't Jamal have 29 points in a single game two years ago? No more need be said about Farf other than his INT total. I�d also like to mention for Alex Smith, though he was a free agent all year, any guy who was the first pick of the NFL draft who puts up a NEGATIVE FIVE for the year while starting has his team's game deserves special recognition as a total lame-o Farf-like disappointment.
Jamal Lewis: This hasn�t been the best year for me. I was in prison. My goldfish died. My blockers didn�t block for me. And now I am peddling drugs again. This award just caps it off. I�d like to apologize to Owner Jason Moore who stood by through thick and thin. I�ll be back in 2006 and I will crush people like 2005 Pussier winner Clinton Portis did.
T: Jamal, I ain�t gonna cry for you. As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal. How�s that � jibber, jabber? Now, before we get to the next award, let�s check in with Dallas and see how the surgery is coming along.
DVN: Hello, Mr. T. By the way, how is the scar healing? Do you stay �jibber, jabber� and tell the kids to take their vitamins?
T: Yeah, I am down to a jibber, jabber � jibber, jabber � every few sentence. Other than that, I feel good. It�s as I�ve always said, �It takes a smart guy to play dumb.�
DVN: Interesting statement. The surgery is complete and young Mr. Weitz is in post-op recovery. I think I can speak to him now. Dan, how do you feel?
DW: You know, not too bad. A bit breezy maybe, kind of light. Perhaps like an autumn sunset in which the leaves crackle around you in the wind and sun�s light provides a particular glow. I am ready to run suicides against anyone in the league and beat them all. Oh, and one more thing.
DVN: Yes?
DW: I have a burning desire to mount Linda Evans.
DVN: That�s to be expected. It seems as if everything is going well down here. Dan�s will be in rehab for the offseason, but when 2006 starts he should be as good as new.
DW: Now, where�s that Linda Evans?
T: I love it when a plan comes together. Next up, we have the Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Award for Rookie of the Year. To present this award, here�s Terrell Owens.
TO: First, I�d like to say I am disappointed in the Modano Mi Hermano selection committee because I think I deserved to be presenting a more prestigious trophy. Second, I know that the ink has just dried on my contract, but I feel it is a disgrace to me and my entourage, which includes coke fiend Michael Irvin. That�s an expensive habit and ESPN doesn�t pay him near enough to pay it off. I need more money. Now, if I were catching passes from an inbred moron like Brent Farf, my team would be undefeated. You haven�t heard the last of T.O. It�s all about me.
T: How about announcing the award?
TO: I�ll take one of those gold chains from your neck.
T: Get out of my face! I don't need no has-beens in my corner. What the matter, Creed? You want some of this? Come on! Come on, Creed!
TO: Uh, I�ll be doing sit-ups in my driveway if any reporters happen to come by.
T: Hey, boy! Hey, Creed! When I get through with this chump, I'm comin' after you next! The winner of the Eric Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award, by unanimous vote, is Coroners� RB Carnell �Cadillac� Williams (15/102).
PM: Not a great year for rookies in Modano land. Williams was clearly the best and Chad used him as one of his four horsemen throughout the season with pretty good success.
CW: Oh man, you don�t know what this means to me. It means so much. To follow such great players as Randy Moss, Edgerrin James, and Clinton Portis. Not to mention, Michael Clayton! Michael Clayton � now there�s a guy I wouldn�t mind playing next to. In fact, I do. Lucky me. Now, if you�ll excuse me, it�s time for my three minutes with one of the three skanks.
T: Yes, those skanks had no idea what they were in for when they signed up for this cruise. Now, we go to the other side of the ball to present the Don Sweeney Trophy for Defensive Player of the Year. To present this award, Billy Idol and Yanni.
DW: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
BI: So, what�s it like being married to Linda Evans?
Y: Well, we no longer are an item. That ended in 1998 according to Wikipedia, but she will always be my muse for my contemporary instrumental music and my soulmate.
BI: My muse was Jack Daniels.
Y: Interesting. So Rebel Yell is about Jack Daniels?
BI: Yes, White Wedding too. Well, enough music chitchat. Let�s get to this award. LB Brian Urlacher (15/130) was given a first place by the Cookies.
Y: That�s nice. Three players received two first place votes. the Brents� Keith Bulluck (16/144) deservedly from the 44�s and Bares. The 44�s Adelius Thomas undeservedly (1/19) from the Blatz and Busters. He only played in one game, for cripes sake.
BI: Coming in second place was the Bares Donnie Edwards (16/149), who received first place votes from the Envy and the Wookies.
PM: Edwards always surprises me and this year more so than years past when he was a Cubists stalwart. Imagine all those tackles combined with Urlacher�s greatness� grggrehgrehgh.
Y: Disgusting! The winner of the 2005 Don Sweeney Trophy for Defensive Player of the Year is the Wookies� Jonathan Vilma (16/155) who received first place votes from the Coroners, Cubists, and Brents. He led defensive players in scoring and three all-pro games. Like Carson Palmer, Vilma is the first Wookie to win this award.
JV: Don Sweeney � you complete me.
T: Now we get to the big two. These awards are like my A-team and my Rocky III. The others were like my cartoons and my infomercials. To present the La-la-laFontaine Award for Most Valuable Player, here are former President Bill Clinton and Jessica Simpson.
JSi: [Blubbering] Oh, I am so unhappy. Nick left me and now, somehow, he is going to have a better career than me. I should have listened to my dad and been a lesbian like my sister!
BC: I feel your pain.
JSi: Thanks, Mr. President.
BC: [biting his lip] Please, call me Bill.
JSi: OK, but why did some people call you slick Willie?
BC: Well, have you ever heard of a greasy zipper?
JSi: No, what�s that?
[A zip is heard.]
JSi: Oh my god! Put that thing away!
BC: I was just opening my fanny pack to show you some presidential memorabilia.
JSi: Oh, ok. Well, I�d rather be singing and dancing, but presenting isn�t bad. There was a lot of controversy and angst over the voting for this award.
BC: That�s true, Jessica. It seemed a very strong media campaign may have backfired. Envy players Tom Brady (14/195) received a first place vote from the Wookies and WR Steve Smith (16/183) received one from the Cookies.
DW: I�m not voting for Alexander out of spite for the overzealous ad campaign for him. Plus, I hate the Seahawks almost as much as the Peckers. Every week, Steve Smith was awesome and for a wideout, that�s impressive.
JSi: In third place was RB LaDainian Tomlinson (16/245), named on eight ballots, who was incredible in the first half and pooped out in the second.
BC: Sort of like your marriage.
JSi: And your presidency.
BC: Zing! I just love your wit as well as the rest of you. In second place is the Sneaky Pete winner QB Carson Palmer. He received a first place vote from the Bares.
RC: Palmer went gonzo all year long.
JSi: But, despite the campaign. This year�s La-la-laFontainte Most Valuable Player is RB Shaun Alexander (16/285) who led all players in scoring. Alexander received first place votes from the Coroners, Busters, Envy, 44�s, Cubists, Blatz, and Brents.
PM: Although Randy�s incessant chirping about Alexander was annoying, he was right. It isn�t even close, so I decided not to award a second place vote. No else one on the Bares was a consistent source of points and every time they needed a big game, Alexander came through. He led the league in points and had 40 more than the second place RB (Tomlinson).
SA: I�ve deserved this trophy for a long time. It was always me setting up Daunte and Randy. It was me getting those first downs on third and one. It was me lifting this team on its shoulders. I�ll be back next year to win another one and another Modano Mi Hermano championship. It�s all about me!
T: Now, I�m gonna tell you about the voting for the biggest and best award in the world. The Modano Mi Hermano Award for best Coach/Owner. Generally, the owner who wins the championship gets this trophy, but this year we had some dissenters. Owner John Stoer took home a vote from the Brents.
SJ: His team might not be on top, but he is always striving to get better. Be it by trade or the wire, this guy wants to make his team the best.
T: And the newest owner, Josh Kowalske, received two votes from the 44�s and the Cookies.
DW [humming Yanni]: The Dude, just because I wanted to say, �The Dude.� Really though, he brought a crappy team from the grip of the EInar and almost made it into a contender in one year.
JS: Any other year this would go to RC for his remarkable title run, but my vote went to Josh as soon as he entered the league and began to participate. Thank you Josh for not being your predecessor or even Chad to whom I have submitted multiple trade offers only to receive no reply, and nothing is more frustrating. Welcome to Modano, Josh!!
T: The highest scoring team�s owner, Will Mitchell, also received a pair of votes from the Bares and Blatz.
RC: The man on draft day. Among his accomplishments: first draft-day trade in history. Carson Palmer in round 7, Vilma in round 11. Contended all year-long for the scoring title, in spite of his strength of schedule.
T: But, in the end, the winner always takes the spoils. I believe in the Golden Rule � The Man with the Gold . . . Rules. This year�s winner of the Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Coach/Owner is Randy Chambers. He also won the award in 2002 and 2003, the other two championship years for the Bares.
WM: Da Bears.
PM: There were a lot of active owners and I give kudos to Sto, Jamo (despite a rough season) and Josh. Steve may have been a bit too active, but he did reach for the prize and was oh, so close. Will made this vote interesting because he made a number of sweet draft choices (Vilma, Palmer) and in-season pickups (Rackers, Anquan Boldin), but he had some really lousy luck throughout the season (allowing 96 ppg � the second most ever � the Cookies allowed 103.94 ppg in 2004). Yet, it was Randy who managed his team in what could be called a transition year and managed to win. The Bares had the worst QB play in the league (8.29 ppg � the Coroners were next worse at 10.18) and he benefited from some nice fortune (75.94 ppg against), but he rarely made a bad decision and the Bares crushed the Envy twice. The Bares had the best defense and RB slots. Randy traded his namesake Moss at just the right time and somehow managed both Holt (who outscored Moss 56-34) and Bettis out of it. It will be interesting to see how long the Bares survive without their Big Three, but with Chambers running the show, it may be a while.
RC: [blushing, furiously proud] Wow. I don�t know what to say. I know that Perry has promised not to beat me up because he is adhering to a code of non-violence. I�d like to thank Dan Dierdorf and Richie Petibone. And I�d like to thank-
[RC is tackled by Yanni, who screeches and uses Greek martial arts to incapacitate this year�s champion. Yanni then launches himself into the crowd and starts punching and kicking Modano owners into submission. No one is safe from Yanni. No one!]
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